Super-Wackos of EVA: NERV Freaks Out
by Author0fntent
Summary: The life of one Kensuke Aida changes forever as he inadvertently resurrects a long-forgotten hero...one that'll drive him nuts as much as the very foes he'll face. Will humanity survive? Or better yet, will the Angels keep their sanity?
1. SWOE Prologue

*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax, Khara, Warner Brothers, or Amblin Entertainment. No celebrities were harmed in the making of this fanfic.*

**Prologue - A (Pinnacle) Chip Off the Old Block**

Kensuke Aida was a number of things to the people who knew him. Friend. Obsessive otaku. Shutterbug. Military nut. Over-eager.

And of course, computer whiz. In addition to his usual haunts of the arcade and the hobby shop, another place frequented by the bespectacled junior high student was an electronics shop specializing in different eras of tech. And he'd just gotten quite the score after paying a visit on this particular day.

Whether the shop's owner was aware or just didn't care he didn't debate. What was important to him was the very object he'd just bought. While upon first glance, it looked like an average circuit board, it was what was attached to it that caught Kensuke's eye.

He'd read the stories about it, but never in all his young life did he imagine he'd chance upon getting one in his hands. How for a time it was considered one of the biggest things to hit the world of computer technology. (In 1995, that is.) Yet there it was, in his bag as he made his way home and up to his room.

"Oh this is gonna be great...!" he beamed as he set his school bag down and immediately got the contents of his shopping bag out. Once the circuit board was on his little work table, he set about, with a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers, removing the object of his musings from its present holder. His task accomplished with utmost care, he took a moment to examine it, awed by what he saw.

Under the glass, held in the prongs of the tweezers, was a Pinnacle chip. A microchip once touted as one of the biggest innovations of US-based Apex Microchips, which for a time was one of the biggest computer tech companies in the world; in the years since, it somehow was acquired by NERV, the UN-backed agency that acted as humanity's main defense against the otherworldly menaces dubbed the Angels. The chip was only on the market for about a week, until the head of Apex was arrested after his more unscrupulous activities had been discovered. The reasoning for the chip's recall had been well-hidden by the company, and no one had managed to find out in the intervening years.

And now Kensuke had one in his possession. His level of excitement was astronomical, compared to whenever anything about NERV's Evangelions was brought up. Diligently and delicately, he placed the extracted chip onto a fresh circuit board from his own computer, partly-disassembled for the very occasion. At last, he'd be possibly the first to see the Pinnacle's processing power in action. Once he reassembled his computer, he cracked his knuckles in anticipation.

"Party time," he said with glee as he booted up his computer. Once it cycled on, Kensuke was greeted with something he didn't expect, given how in pristine a condition the chip was in: an error message.

Only it wasn't like any error message he'd seen before. It was a key sequence, one that proved to be baffling to even him:

**" [=g3,8d]\&fbb=-q]/hk"**

"Huh. Weird," Kensuke said. "Probably just a fluke." With that, Kensuke hit the delete button on his keyboard, thinking that once the string was gone, he could get down to business and test the capabilities of his console with the brand-new chip. What happened next proved him wrong.

A flash of light flared from the screen, and bolts of static electricity shot out, taking the otaku by surprise.

"What the?!" he wondered in astonishment. Soon, a strange sensation overtook him, as he noticed that he was somehow being pulled towards the console.

"What's happening?! What's going on?!" he said as fear started to overtake him. "Crud, I knew I should've tested this thing at the stooooooorrrreeee!" he lamented as he was somehow sucked into the screen. The moment he was absorbed, the light and static vanished as the screen dimmed, appearing as if the console had turned off in the now-empty room. A couple of minutes passed before the screen lit up again. The light flared back to life and static bolts arced around the console as a figure was deposited back into the center of Kensuke's room. The figure slowly stood up, as his form was revealed.

The figure was taller than Kensuke, and wore what looked like a set of red spandex long johns, along with a pair of white gloves and boots. On his chest was a symbol, made up of a yellow stylized letter 'F' and an exclamation point over a black ovoid shape. The only skin showing was above the collar of the suit, and it was a light blue. The figure's black hair stood up and slicked back, with a white lightning bolt-shaped streak on either side. On his face was a black domino mask, along with a big, wide grin. The figure, now fully standing, then looked directly our way.

"I'm BAAAAAAAAAACCCKKKK!" he bellowed in a sing-song manner. "Did you miss me?" he then asked in an innocent, childlike voice. And then at that moment...his theme song started playing...

_**Super-teen extraordinaire!**_

_**Freakazoid! Freakazoid!**_

_**Runs around in underwear!**_

_**Freakazoid! Freakazoid!**_

_**Saves the city of Tokyo-3...**_

_**Freakazoid! Freakazoid!**_

_**...Unless something better's on TV!**_

_**Freakazoid! Freakazoid!**_

_**His brain's overloading!**_

_**It's got a chocolate coating!**_

_**He's a textbook case for Sigmund Freud!**_

_**Freakazoid! Freakazoid!**_

_**Check out Kensuke Aida: otaku techie whiz.**_

_**While modding his computer, he got zapped for the hero biz.**_

_**He turns into the Freakazoid, who's strong and super-quick!**_

_**He's driving SEELE crazy, 'cause he's a lunatic!**_

_**He's back in biz in the Freak-A-Lair!**_

_**Freakazoid, freak-for-two!**_

_**Will he stand out with his hair?**_

_**Freakazoid, Son Goku!**_

_**Dustin' off the Freak-mobile!**_

_**Freakazoid, free Zaku!**_

_**Still lookin' for that movie deal!**_

_**Freakazoid, Pikachu!**_

_**He's back to save the planet, so evil'd better can it!**_

_**If not we'll be orange goo...**_

_**Freakazoid! Freakazoid!**_

_**Freakazoid!**_

**END (or BEGINNING...?)**

****Author's Note(s)****

**How's this for a crossover no one expected? Depending on the reception this gets, I may continue on with what I envision as parody inspired by the Superwomen of EVA series. If that happens, who knows what kind of mayhem will ensue...?**


	2. Episode 1

**Episode 1 - Getting to Know Your Inner Freak**

The newly-reemerged Freakazoid took a moment to examine his new surroundings.

"Huh. Bonded to a nerd again. _But_ he's an otaku for once, that's new, I can work with that," the cyberspace-borne superhero said to himself. He then looked towards the bedroom window. "Now just where am I these days?" he mused as he pulled out a pair of binoculars and took a look outside. His observations darted all over the place.

"Hmm...Mt. Fuji...KIMONO GIRLS...the Budokan...KIMONO GIRLS...bullet trains...KIMONO GIRLS...KIMONO GIRLS...KIMONO GIRLS...Of course, it all adds up: I've somehow emerged in Tierra del Fuego!" The sight of a sign that said Welcome to Tokyo-3 made him realize his slight mistake. "Waitasec-Tokyo-_3_? What happened to the first two?" He then aimed his binoculars where, sure enough, he did see the skylines of Tokyo-1 and Tokyo-2. "Boy, things have really changed in the time I've been out of the loop. That Second Impact thing must've done a number on ol' Mother Earth." He then put his binoculars away. "I sure could go for some tacos right now."

At that moment, Freakazoid vanished in a flash of light, leaving a confused Kensuke where he was standing.

"Huh?" he wondered, rubbing the side of his head. A small feeling of panic emerged as he quickly dashed to the bathroom and locked the door. He then turned to look in the mirror, thoroughly examining his face.

"Wha-what's going on? What's happened to me?" he wondered.

_Yo, Kensuke!_ a voice called from out of nowhere. Kensuke turned about, looking for the source of that call.

_Getting warmer, just look down here!_ the voice said, causing Kensuke to warily look down towards his stomach. Nervously, he slowly lifted up the front of his shirt. What he saw made his eyes go wide, as the face of Freakazoid smiled back up at him.

"HI THERE!" Freakazoid greeted enthusiastically.

"AAAHHH!" Kensuke cried out as he pushed the front of his shirt back down. "NONONONONO! This isn't happening, this isn't happening...!"

As he turned back around, Freakazoid spoke again.

_Now let's see you unzip your head!_ he implored.

"WHAT?!" Kensuke asked, bewildered.

_You heard me, unzip your head!_ Like this! Freakazoid replied as his gloved hand popped out of Kensuke's mouth and proceeded to unzip Kensuke's head, revealing Freakazoid's underneath. Freakazoid then looked our way.

"Still pretty gross, am I right?" he asked. Kensuke somehow managed to then grab hold of the zipper and zip himself back together. The fact that he did so further left him frightened.

"Don't do that!" he said, only for Freakazoid to unzip his head again.

"Do what?" Freakazoid teasingly asked, while Kensuke zipped himself back up again.

"Stop unzipping my head!" the otaku replied, further unnerved. "This REALLY can't be happening..." At that moment, he heard a knock on the door.

"Kensuke?" Toshio Aida, the boy's father, said on the other side of the door. "Are you okay in there?"

_CRUD!_ Kensuke thought. _How to respond..._"Uh, I'm all right dad, I just uh...it's just a zit! Nothing more! Just freaking over nothing!"

"Okay then," Toshio replied, his legs crossing as he squirmed, "but do you think you can freak out somewhere else? I have to tinkie."

Kensuke then opened the door and exited the bathroom, much to his father's relief, and headed back into his bedroom. Once in, he closed the door and started pacing nervously back and forth, almost overwhelmed by what was going on.

"Okay, there's gotta be an explanation," he said to try and reassure himself. "Maybe it was just a short-circuit, and the brightness on my computer was up all the way. That's it!"

_Sorry, kid, it's real all right,_ came the voice of Freakazoid. Kensuke, upon hearing that, collapsed onto his bed.

"Man..." Kensuke sighed. "Great...so, what exactly are you, anyway?"

_Oh, what, you haven't heard?_ Freakazoid asked in a dramatic, faux-Shakespearean fashion. _Surely even you've heard tales of the wacky derring-do of Freakazoid?_

Kensuke's eyes widened upon hearing this. "Wait, _Freakazoid_?! As in THE Freakazoid?!" He bolted back up from the bed. "The superhero? The one who disappeared before the start of the millennium?!" His eyes remained wide as the revelation sunk in. "I thought you were just a rumor!...And based in America, last I checked."

_Well, you're right on the money both ways!_ Freakazoid said. _It's true, I did call Washington, D.C. home, back when I was 'rooming' with a geek like you. (I oughta check in on Dexter, now that I think about it.)_ He then slipped on a pair of old party glasses shaped like the number 2000. "Then came New Year's Eve, 1999...Take it away, Paul!"

**-X-**

The scene then cut to a study occupied by one Paul Harvey, leaning on his desk, a pipe in-hand as he addressed us, the audience.

"Where was Freakazoid all this time indeed?" Paul asked rhetorically. "Why was this boy in red long underwear with a high voltage hairstyle gone for the first decade and a half of the twenty-first century? To answer these questions, we must go back to before the dawn of the new millennium..."

A flashback ensued as Paul recounted where Freakazoid was on the final night of the twentieth century.

"On that very night, Freakazoid had separated himself from his human alter-ego Dexter Douglas, and dove headfirst into cyberspace to fight one of the biggest villains to emerge on the web: the Y2K Bug, who was threatening to plunge the world into a new Dark Age by ruining the entirety of the global computer networks. It was a long, dragged-out, and at times completely silly showdown, with neither foe giving way, until finally, Freakazoid managed to stop the Bug by pointing out the wonders of the world he'd be depriving people of, like the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota, or the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog-eating contest. Moved by Freakazoid's words, the Bug surrendered and was imprisoned in a floppy disk, shipped off to parts unknown. What Freakazoid didn't know was that due to the length of time he'd spent fighting the Bug, the pathways to return to the real world had closed as new system upgrades were installed the world over. Thus, Freakazoid was stuck in the Web, keeping up with the world as much as he could, becoming aware of the years that followed Second Impact. This accidental exile also gave him a lot of time to indulge in his hobbies, and catch marathons of a lot of classic, wholesome television...

And now you KNOW The Rest of the Backstory...Good day!"

**-X-**

With that, the scene shifted back to Kensuke's bedroom.

"Did we just seriously go through a flashback?" Kensuke asked, bewildered. "And hold on-didn't Paul Harvey die six years ago?"

_Kensuke, my man, THAT is the beauty of both stock footage and dubbing by a professional voice actor with a good sense of imitation,_ Freakazoid explained as he then began to address us. "How about a big hand for the amazing Paul Rugg, everybody!"

Upon hearing that, applause ensued as Paul Rugg, in a live-action sequence, gave two thumbs-up from his spot in a recording booth.

Kensuke merely scratched his head in confusion, before returning to the main point of the conversation.

"So now you're back, and I basically trade places with you whenever trouble's afoot?" he asked.

_You betcha, kid!_ Freakazoid replied. _And that is your first lesson in 'Superheroing with Freakazoid'! Basically, we each have a code phrase that controls the transformation. Need me to fight some crime? Simply say 'Freak Out!'. When all's said and done, I just say 'Freak in!', and you're back in time for dinner. Buckle up, Kensuke, 'cause we've got a looooonnnnggg journey ahead of us. I can smell it in the air, the public's in the mood for a hero now, and I've got a lot of evil-doers to battle, cats to save from trees, oodles of reruns__ to catch up on! Stick with me, kid, and everything'll be A-O-KAY!_

Kensuke face-palmed as he shook his head. "And they said the teen years are the most challenging..." he lamented.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
I'd say these two are getting along well, don't you think?  
**

**Much of the chapter riffs on two segments from the same season one _Freakazoid _episode, "The Chip, Part 1" (Kensuke freaking out over his newfound 'roommate') and "Freakazoid is History!" (Freakazoid taking stock of his surroundings).**

**Paul Harvey was an American radio broadcaster known for his famous _The Rest of the Story_ segments. He was frequently caricatured on _Freakzoid _proper ("And now you know The Rest of the Backstory..."), and was also voiced by Paul Rugg, the voice director and voice of Freakazoid himself.**

**The "Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota" refers to a song from "Weird Al" Yankovic's 1989 album _UHF _(which partly doubled as the soundtrack for the film of the same name). It's a spoof of the 'storytelling song' stylings of artists like Harry Chapin or Gordon Lightfoot.**


	3. Episode 2

**Episode 2 - A Very Freakish Debut**

Kensuke awoke the next morning wondering if everything that'd just happened to him was only a dream. That notion was dispelled as soon as he went to wash up in the bathroom, where he blanched at seeing Freakazoid gargling in the mirror.

"Morning!" he said after spitting the water out. "Wakey wakey, eggs and bake-y!"

Kensuke let out a low groan as he then started to shower. _Definitely not a dream,_ he thought. After drying off, getting dressed, and having breakfast with his father, he soon packed his school bag and was on his way out. As he walked along, he had a mental conversation with Freakazoid, who'd managed to set up a new 'Freakazone' for himself in a part of Kensuke's head. Kensuke mainly filled him in on what went on in Tokyo-3: NERV and the Evangelions, the city under constant threat from the Angels, and of course his friends, three of whom were the pilots of the Evangelions.

_Yep, definitely feels like I'm in some sort of anime,_ Freakazoid mused. _(Boy, the medium's sure come a long way since the _Hero Boy_ reruns I know and love.)_

"_Hero Boy_?" Kensuke wondered. "WOW, now _that_ is way before my time. I think my dad used to watch it as a kid."

_Believe it or not, _Hero Boy_ came in handy during one of the times I faced off with an old foe of mine, _Freakazoid said._ I remember it like it was yesterday: me strapped to a table, some weird helmet thing on my head, the machine trying to copy my happy personality. I gritted my teeth and, invoking Hero Boy, kept telling myself 'I must succeed! I must succeed! I must succeed!'..._

"Huh, reminds me of something Shinji would say," Kensuke replied.

_The timid guy?_ Freakazoid asked.

Kensuke nodded. "Whenever he's piloting or caught in some situation that puts him on edge, I swear I can hear him saying 'I mustn't run away', or something." Kensuke frowned a bit as he recalled the time he and another friend, Toji, had to be rescued by Shinji during a battle between his Evangelion Unit-One and Shamshel the Fourth Angel. "Now that I think about it, he always looks like he hates piloting."

_Maybe he does,_ Freakazoid suggested. _I mean, from what you've told me, seems like he'd rather be doing something other than working a huge robot._ Freakazoid paused a bit as something else occurred to him. _Y'know, the m__ore I think about it, what is it with Japan and giant robots? I've always wondered..._

"That makes two of us," said Kensuke. He looked up and noticed he was nearing the school, and that there was some kind of commotion going on. On the side of the street where the school was, a crowd of students were looking over the gate at the crowd of people on the other side. Said crowd was wearing weird-looking robes, all with a symbol of a yellow flame with points of light radiating from it. They were also carrying signs.

**Down with those who defer the Final Judgment!** one read.

**Stop the heretics!** said another.

**Keep Calm and Accept Oblivion!** read a third.

**Eat at Joe's** said a fourth, whose owner drew concerned stares from the other members. "What?" the member holding the sign asked. "I got up late and grabbed the first sign I had on-hand as I ran here!"

_Huh, makes the Trekkies look like Shriners,_ Freakazoid noted. _Who're those guys, anyway?_

"Them?" Kensuke replied as he shrugged. "That's just the Light of the Divine."

_The who-now?_ Freakazoid asked confusedly.

"They're a cult," Kensuke answered. "Real whackjobs too. Started popping up after NERV gave the Angels their name. These guys think that NERV's interrupting humanity's well-deserved 'judgment from above', and since they really can't do anything against NERV HQ, they protest out here because the pilots are my classmates. And not just here, they actually tried doing this once at the apartment building Shinji and Asuka live at."

_Why once?_ Freakazoid asked.

Kensuke smiled as he answered. "Their guardian, Misato-who's also their commanding officer at NERV, _and_ a total hottie-apparently did something that kept them from trying again. Ever since, they've just picketed here."

_Yeesh,_ Freakazoid commented. _And what about the CIA-looking guys over there?_ he asked, 'pointing' to the black-suited, sunglasses-wearing large men standing guard at the school gate.

"They're with Section-2," Kensuke replied, "NERV's intelligence division. They're also like the pilots' secret service. Asuka and Misato aren't really fond of them, from what I've heard firsthand."

_Makes for an interesting social life, I'm guessing,_ Freakazoid mused. _Those your friends there?_

Kensuke looked to where Shinji, Asuka and Rei were just now walking up to the gate. All of a sudden, things went screwy as two 'clangs' were heard-which turned out to be from the metal baseball bats meeting the backs of the heads of the Section-2 guards, who fell over unconscious, to the shock of the crowd of students. The two people holding the bats were a couple of cultists that had snuck up behind them-one tall and skinny with longish hair and a beanie, the other short, bearded, and with a backwards ballcap.

"Come, son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod!" the taller cultist quoted. "Snoochie boochies, heheheheheheh!"

With that, some of the other cultists took the opportunity to grab the pilots.

Shinji: "Hey, what the-?!"

Asuka: "Let go of me, _dumkopf_!"

Rei: "..."

"Nobody move!" one cultist shouted. "Stay right where you are, and no one gets hurt," he warned as other cultists took out all manner of blunt objects from within their sleeves.

Kensuke quickly ducked behind the corner of the school's wall and peered out.

"Oh man, this isn't good," he muttered. "If my friends are done in by those psychos, we're finished! Game over! Angels win in the bottom of the ninth!"

_GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN!_ Freakazoid dramatically shouted from within Kensuke's head, as he shook Kensuke's mental self by the shoulders. _THIS is what we've been preparing for!_

"Preparing?!" Kensuke asked, bewildered. "We've only known each other for a day!"

_Relax,_ Freakazoid said, _this is where I do the heavy lifting. I'm a superhero, remember? I've rescued a lot of hostages in my day! And these guys look like lightweights._ Kensuke still looked worried. _Don't worry, I'll make sure your friends live to fight in giant robots another day! Just leave everything to me. Now, remember the magic words?_

Kensuke nodded. He looked around where he was, to make sure no one was looking, then sighed.

"Here goes nothing..." he said, before standing up straight. "Oooooh, Freak Out!"

Soon Kensuke was enveloped in a flash of light and electricity, and standing in his place was Freakazoid, who flexed and stretched his limbs.

"Aaaaahh, fresh air at last! Now to save some kids from men in bathrobes!" he declared. Freakazoid then leaped out from behind the corner where the crowds had gathered.

"UNHAND those innocent children, robed rapscallions!" Freakazoid bellowed. All eyes turned to the new arrival, and stared dumbstruck at Freakazoid's appearance. They didn't know quite what to make of the wacky wonder as he stood there in a typical 'super-pose', with his chest out and his fists on his hips. The cultists looked at each other and then back at Freakazoid, still confused.

"And just who're you supposed to be?" the lead cultist asked. "Some kind of superhero?"

"Yeah, didn't anyone tell you? Comic-Con's not for another few months!" another cultist taunted.

Freakazoid merely looked at the cultists smugly before looking our way briefly. "I see my reputation _hasn't_ preceded me," he noted as he turned his gaze to the three pilots. "Fear not, young citizens, I'll have you out of their grasp in the time it took Roger Ebert to give two thumbs up to _Boogie Nights_!"

Shinji and Asuka, wide-eyed, looked at each other for a moment worriedly before looking back at Freakazoid.

"We're doomed," he said.

"For once, I agree with you," Asuka said in turn.

Rei remained silent as she eyed Freakazoid with a subtle fascination.

The lead cultist then got desperate and threw all manner of logic out the window the way most common crooks would when faced with a masked avenger.

"Get him!" he ordered his flunkies while he pointed at Freakazoid.

Three of the cultists looked at each other for a moment, shrugged, and then dashed towards Freakazoid, their blunt instruments at the ready. Freakazoid's grin merely widened, and as they converged on him, he zipped out of the way in a bolt of lightning, at which point the three cultists crashed into each other, winding up in an unconscious dog pile. The two cultists with the bats felt their jaws drop as they saw what happened to their comrades, unaware as Freakazoid popped up in-between them.

"Does Kevin know you two are moonlighting in this fic?" Freakazoid asked them.

The two cultists jumped, startled by his sudden appearance, and then raised their bats in an attempt to hit him. Instead, Freakazoid merely leaned back as the two bats wound up finding new targets: the ones holding them. Both cultists fell over, seeing stars dancing around them. Freakazoid then zipped behind the three cultists holding the pilots, and proceeded to whack the cultists on the heads with a couple of mallets he produced out of nowhere as if they were a three-man glockenspiel. The three of them fell back, releasing their grips on the pilots, who Freakazoid then zipped to the other side of the street, much to their surprise.

"No need to thank me," he said to the trio as he turned back to the remaining cultist.

_Like I would've_...Asuka mentally grumbled.

Only the lead cultist was left; he stood there nervously holding his makeshift weapon as Freakazoid moved closer and closer. When they were finally face-to-face, Freakazoid raised his right finger upward, before quickly pointing down at the man's feet.

"Shoe's untied," he said.

The lead cultist, dumbfounded by what he'd just told him, slowly looked down at his own feet. While he was distracted, Freakazoid quietly snuck behind him, and did something that took all bystanders by surprise:

He _Melvined_ the lead cultist, who looked back upwards with a wide-eyed grimace full of unexpected pain.

"AAAAAAHHHH!" the lead cultist yelled as he then collapsed to the ground, clutching at his pelvis. Freakazoid, at lightning speed, then rounded up the other cultists, tied their wrists up, and piled them all together with their now-bound leader. Wiping the dust from his hands, Freakazoid then turned to the still-stunned crowd of students and teachers, the pilots among them.

"I'm guessing someone was kind enough to call the cops while I was busy?" he asked. One teacher slowly raised their hand, indicating they'd done just that. "Thought so! Your contribution was very much appreciated." As soon as he said that, a couple of police cars arrived on the scene, as did a news crew with a camera at the ready. Of the officers that got out of the cars, one of them approached Freakazoid; he was a balding middle-aged man, somewhere in his late fifties or early sixties, with a gruff demeanor and what seemed to be perpetually-furrowed eyebrows.

"We got a call about the Light of the Divine trying to kidnap the NERV pilots," the officer said as he addressed Freakazoid. "You the one who stopped them?" he asked, pointing to the pile of bound cultists. Freakazoid eagerly nodded his head yes. "Nice job, kid," the officer said as he held out his hand. Freakazoid eagerly shook it.

"Y'know, you kinda remind me of someone I knew," Freakazoid noted. "What's your name?"

"Kusagabe," the officer replied. "Sergeant Mikio Kusagabe."

"Kusagabe, I think we're gonna be great friends from now on," Freakazoid said optimistically. He then turned to address the crowd of students and other bystanders, ready to speechify like he meant it, just as the camera crew was starting to film.

"Citizens, take heart, for your troubles are gonna get a stern talking-to from here on out!" he declared. "Wherever a shoplifter starts to get antsy, I'll be there! Wherever a baby stroller is about to take a dive off the grand steps of city hall, I'll be there! Wherever some dastardly shmoe threatens to screw up your TV reception, I WILL BE THERE! For Freakazoid is my name, and fighting for the good of mankind is my game! Or was it _Mousetrap_, I forget...Anyway...Oh yeah, and that goes for dealing with the monsters that come to wreck your city every Tuesday!"

Asuka's eyes went wide at hearing that. _You gotta be kidding me!_ she thought. _The guy's nuts!_

"And with that, I'm off! See ya next time!" Freakazoid then turned and raised his arms forward towards the sky, and started running, making swooshing sounds with his mouth, until he ducked around the corner on the opposite side of the school. Those who watched him go just stood there, mouths agape, utterly baffled by who they'd just seen off. (Except for Kusagabe and Rei, who retained neutral looks on their faces.)

Freakazoid, as soon as he was out of sight, crept back to the side of the wall Kensuke had hidden behind earlier, and quickly looked around.

"All right Kensuke, we now return you to your regularly-scheduled school day," he said. "Freak in!"

With that, Freakazoid was enveloped by a flash of light and static, and in his place stood Kensuke, who couldn't believe what'd just gone down while he'd traded places with the hero. Kensuke took a quick glance around, and then slowly made his way around the corner, where he ran up to his own friends while feigning a look of confusion.

"Uh, guys?" Kensuke began to ask. "What happened here?"

"Kensuke! Where the heck were you?!" Toji asked. "You totally missed it!"

"Missed what?" Kensuke asked.

"Asuka and the others nearly got kidnapped!" Hikari clarified. "The Light of the Divine grabbed them, but then this superhero jumps out, kicks their butts, and saves the day! I mean, a real live superhero! How could you, of all people, miss out on something like this?"

"I had to help my dad at home for a bit, that's why I was late getting here," Kensuke replied, before adopting a fake look of surprise and disappointment. "But MAN! I can't believe it! Did the guy have any powers?! Tell me everything! I gotta know!"

_Good job, kid,_ Freakazoid complimented from within Kensuke's head. _The secret identity thing may just work for you yet. And that you already have glasses certainly helps..._

**NERV HQ, a few minutes later...**

"Sir? You've got to see this!" a surprised Maya Ibuki said as she pointed the command staff present on the bridge to a nearby monitor, where she'd turned on a news broadcast that was just coming on. Gendo Ikari, Kozo Fuyutsuki, Misato Katsuragi, and Ritsuko Akagi watched as the reporter went into the details of the kidnapping attempt on the pilots.

"...And just when it seemed that the Light of the Divine was going to get away with mankind's only hope against the Angels," the reporter recounted, "the teenage NERV pilots were saved by the arrival of a masked hero, who subdued the cultists before police arrived on the scene." Footage of Freakazoid's speech was then played while the command staff commented on what they were seeing.

"Well, there's something you don't see everyday," Misato said.

"Something tells me Chiron's going to be chewed out, big time," Ritsuko added, referring to what happened to the Section-2 detail assigned to guard the pilots.

Fuyutsuki and Gendo merely traded glances as the latter then took a moment to take a drink from his water glass. The reporter then quickly asked the pilots for their thoughts about the whole thing.

"Uh, well..." Shinji started to say; he was nervous, as he'd never been on TV before. "I'm very grateful to Freakazoid for saving us. I think it'll be cool having a superhero here."

"Oh, c'mon, really?" Asuka griped. "Did you even see that guy? He's clearly a few loops short of a utility belt! And that boast about him going up against the Angels? That's crazy!"

"I see," the reporter replied as she turned to Rei. "Pilot Ayanami, what about you? Your thoughts on Freakazoid?"

Rei looked at the reporter with her usual neutral face, but something caused her reply to trickle out in a manner unbecoming of her.

"He...he is..." she got out, before her face morphed into something resembling a girl swooning over some teen idol, with a wide, lovestruck smile. "He's soooo dreamy...!" she said with an inflection unheard of when it came to both her usual disposition and tone of voice. Seeing this made Shinji's, Asuka's, Toji's, Hikari's, and the rest of the students' jaws drop as they stared at Rei, wondering what the heck had just come over the normally-stoic and quiet First Child.

In Central Dogma, the command staff's reactions were similar, save for Gendo, who reacted quite differently.

Upon seeing and hearing Rei, the commander's eyes went wide as he spit out the water...for a twenty-two-second long spit-take, with about eleven pauses in-between. This in turn got the attention of the others, who turned to him with astonished looks on their faces. They'd never seen him react like this before.

"Commander? Are you all right?" Ritsuko asked.

Gendo didn't say anything at first, before finally letting out one thing:

"This...was not in the scenario..."

**A hidden estate in the Cayman Islands, around the same time...**

A pinging was heard on the computer console of a technician, alerting them to the notification. Once seen, the eyes of the tech went wide as he immediately went for his phone to contact his boss.

"Sir?" he started, "that frequency you've had us on the lookout for all this time-it just appeared. He's back, sir."

On the other end of the line, said boss, sitting in an armchair in his study, drank in those words as if they were the signal he'd been waiting for.

"Good, good," he replied. "Continue to monitor his presence. I shall inform you of where we go from there." He then hung up the phone and turned to the window of his study, got up from his chair, and walked towards it.

"So, old friend...you have returned," the man mused as a sinister smile formed on his face. "I look forward to matching wits with you once again. Perhaps this time, emerging as the victor...Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Laugh with me, laugh with me! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...!"

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
And now Freakazoid's made his return known to the public. Resulting in, among other things, Gendo delivering a spit-take akin to Freakazoid's own from the episode that debuted Fan Boy.**

**As mentioned before, a lot of what'll go down will be my way of satirizing the popular Superwomen of EVA stories by OrionPax09 and Mike313 (despite my use of a male lead). Kensuke's situation, for example, owes a bit to Orion's Rei-as-Silver Surfer story "Lilith's Herald", while the use of a Japanese-based expy for Cosgrove is inspired by Mike's Mayumi-as-Batgirl tale "Dark Lady of Tokyo-3". I did reach out to the two of them regarding a couple of things I wanted to do, including the use of a few concepts native to their stories, like the Light of the Divine and Section Two's Chiron and Sato. Hopefully I'll hear back from them soon, so consider this chapter a test case. If they ask me to make any changes, I'll gladly oblige.**

**I'll give you three guesses as to who those two cultists with the bats are supposed to be.**

**How Freakazoid deals with the lead cultist is a bit borrowed from _Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey._**

**Freakazoid's speech is meant to riff on Tom Joad's from _The Grapes of Wrath_.**

**And now, like in those same stories, time for some fun!**

_OMAKE 1 - Author's Intent, and other things..._

Author0fntent was sitting at his desk when he heard the door whip open. Upon turning around, he saw Asuka standing there scowling.

_Oh boy_, he thought as she started moving closer towards him. _I should've known someone would question this..._

"All right, buddy, you've got some explaining to do," Asuka declared. "Crossing us over with _Beetlejuice_ is one thing, but...why _Freakazoid_, of all characters, concepts, _et cetera_?"

The author looked our way for a minute, shrugged, and proceeded to answer Asuka.

"Look, Asuka, it's like this," he started to say. "I watched your show-and both movies-for the first time last year. (Still need to see the first three _Rebuild_ movies, but more on that later.) And while I now get why so many people consider it one of the greatest contributions to anime storytelling, in my more subjective view, your universe was _depressing_. Rare is the time where I feel sorry for the denizens of an entire world, and yours was one of those rarities. I mean, look at what you yourself go through in the span of both the original TV show and _End of Evangelion_."

Asuka's scowl vanished as she considered the events he'd been referring to. Her demeanor immediately softened. "Oh yeah..." she said morosely.

"And then I found myself in the rabbit hole that was fan fiction based on the EVA mythos," he continued. "And I'll tell you, there are so many better endings to your story that I'd have taken any one of them over either of the official endings. (Though the manga ending did turn out more hopeful than I thought.) That's when I decided that I'd join in, doing my part to...well, save your universe, one story at a time. And that includes helping you, and your friends especially, overcome your insecurities and neuroses, among other things."

A small smile started to appear on Asuka's face. "Well, when you put it that way..."

"See?" the author said. "Now, I myself am mostly a comedy guy, so a lot of what I tend to utilize in my writing involves injecting enough humor into your circumstances that it completely disrupts the entropy that threatens to close in on you guys. And that means either calling upon old jokes or classic routines, or bringing in...outside contractors." At that statement, Beetlejuice and Freakazoid popped in, and waved at Asuka. Surprised by their sudden appearance, she slowly waved back.

"I think I get it," she said, before chuckling to herself. "What's next, you're gonna bring _The Tick_ into our world?"

"Nah," the author replied. "That sort of got covered in SimmyC's unfortunately dead fic 'Valiant Shinji'. So I'll be fine."

"Oh," said Asuka. "'Kay then, I'll just be on my way. Don't wanna disrupt your creative flow and all that." She turned and started to head out the door, only to poke her head in briefly. "One request, though."

"And that'd be?" the author asked.

"When you get to me and Shinji's first kiss, try not to rip off Panther2G this time," she answered as she started to grin. "Maybe try something fancy for once."

The author considered this for a moment, and then looked back at Asuka. "I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks!" said Asuka before she was finally out the door. The author slumped back in his chair a bit, while Freakazoid looked at Beetlejuice, confused.

"Don't look at me, kid," Beetlejuice said as he started to float away. "You're on your own."

Freakazoid then looked down at the author, who returned his gaze. "What now?" the hero asked.

"Well...back to the old writing desk, I guess," the author said as he turned his chair back to his desk and started brainstorming ideas for the next chapter.


	4. Episode 3

**Episode 3 - Rebuild of Freakazoid**

It was supposed to be an easy job. Don a couple of masks, burst into the bank, get the money, and bolt right out of there in a speeding car. That's what Ichiro and Akira were thinking when they decided to pull this job off one bright and sunny day. And for the most part, they'd succeeded.

The two of them had just jumped into the car, the sacks full of their loot thrown immediately into the back seat, and Ichiro had proceeded to floor it once the engine was running. It was the next words out of Akira's mouth, however, that unintentionally foretold the failure of their job.

"Y'know, it's too quiet," he noted.

"Yeah," Ichiro agreed. "Where're the sirens? I mean, shouldn't we have a bunch of cops on our tail right now?"

"I say we make the most of this, 'cause I ain't lookin' _this_ gift horse in the mouth," Akira said. "Mind if I turn the radio on?"

"All right, but no talk radio, I don't wanna deal with that particular form of noise pollution," Ichiro replied.

Akira then switched the radio on the FM side, and scrolled through the stations until he found a music one, one that had just finished a song.

"Next on our list, comes an old American favorite," the deejay said, "and one you know by heart if you're a die-hard Red Sox fan, from the great Neil Diamond..."

Soon the song began playing, and like clockwork Ichiro and Akira couldn't resist singing along with it.

**_"Where it began, I can't begin to knowing_**

**_But then I know it's growing strong_**

**_Was in the spring_**

**_And spring became the summer_**

**_Who'd have believed you'd come along_**

**_Hands, touching hands_**

**_Reaching out, touching me, touching you..._**

**_Sweeeeet Car-o-liiine!"_**

**_"BAH BAH BAH!"_** sang a jubilant Freakazoid as he suddenly landed on the hood of the car.

"YAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" cried a fittingly freaked-out Akira and Ichiro, the latter slamming his foot hard on the brakes. Freakazoid leaped up as the car came to its sudden stop, and landed in front of the vehicle in a perfect 10, as indicated by the panel of Olympic judges who appeared right then and there. (The judge from Russia, of course, held up a zero.) Freakazoid then walked over to the car, casually opened the door, and grabbed Ichiro by the back of his collar with his left hand; Akira soon followed in Freakazoid's right one. In a blur of speed, Freakazoid quickly had them hogtied and planted on their butts up on the car's roof.

"Now, let's see who's hiding under these masks," Freakazoid said as he pulled the ski masks off the two robbers. "I should've known! And you would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids and their dog!"

Ichiro and Akira just stared at Freakazoid, dumbfounded, then at each other, and then back at him again.

"Dude, wrong cartoon," Akira said as he corrected the superhero.

Freakazoid got a confused look on his face, before realizing what he'd just said.

"Oh yeah, DUH!" he said as he gave himself a light slap upside the head, "Still fun to say, though. Bye!" With that, the wacky wonder was off in a flash of lightning, as the cops finally pulled up and surrounded the bound robbers.

_Man, this was quite a workout for the afternoon,_ Kensuke noted from within the Freakazone.

He was thinking of how before nabbing those two robbers, Freakazoid, in the span of exactly an afternoon, had stopped three stick-ups, saved a kid from being hit by a truck, scared off some punks trying to corner an old lady, and stopped a reckless driver (while giving him a ticket as well...for a live taping of _Maury_, which the driver greatly cringed at).

_So what's next?_ Kensuke asked.

"Next on our docket, old chum, is a trip to the hardware store!" Freakazoid excitedly replied.

_The hardware store?_ Kensuke asked. _Why there?_

"Simple-since I'm back in the saddle, it's time to re-establish my Freakalair!" the nutty hero answered.

_...Freakalair?_ Kensuke wondered confusedly as Freakazoid finally arrived at their destination, where he proceeded to grab a cart and walk in.

**[Suggested music: a muzak version of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Hardware Store", from the 2003 album ****_Poodle Hat_****.]**

Freakazoid went up and down the aisles, grabbing all manner of materials and tools, until his cart was full-_absurdly_ full. He then made his way to the register, where he managed to check out quickly thanks to a variety of coupons he was packing. His purchases secured, Freakazoid then took out the laptop Kensuke had brought with him, opened it up, and zapped them into a save folder.

"Now, quick, Kensuke-to the build site!" Freakazoid exclaimed before breaking off into a super-speed run. His route then took him to the dilapidated section of Tokyo-3 that was once old Hakone, and from there, a cave opening hidden in one of the wooded areas nearby. Freakazoid then ventured down into the cave, until he arrived in a massive cavern that, based on some survey maps he'd consulted, was right underneath the city-or rather, adjacent, considering NERV HQ was already underneath the city, because of the massive size of the Geofront.

_You're really going to build your base here?_ Kensuke wondered. _This is so cool! Just like the Batcave!_

"Even better than the Batcave. Trust me, pal, you're gonna love it! Now then, let's get cracking!" Freakazoid said as he spit into his hands and rubbed them together like one stereotypically would. He regretted that action a second later. "Ewww, why'd I spit in my hands?" he asked himself. He then pushed that thought aside as he picked up a saw and a hammer and immediately got to work, at ludicrous speed.

**[Suggested music: Raymond Scott's "Powerhouse", beginning at 1:14.]**

Unknown to Freakazoid, one of the cavern walls was right on the other side of the Chamber of Gauf, located in the top secret area of NERV HQ known as Terminal Dogma. Imprisoned within the Chamber (known officially as "LCL Plant No. 3") on a gigantic cross was Lilith, the Second Angel. For as long as she'd known, she'd lain there, a seven-eyed mask on her face, the Lance of Longinus sticking out of her chest, and the lower half of her body leaking LCL into a large lake via an enormous funnel underneath her waist, with nothing but an oddly-placed battleship floating in it serving as the only piece of decoration. Normally, aside from occasional 'inspections' by NERV commander Gendo Ikari or head scientist Ritsuko Akagi, Lilith's was a quiet, and frankly boring, existence.

That is, until her head perked up at the sound of the rapid construction happening on the other side of the very wall her cross was set against. Her eyes went wide, as she looked around, greatly confused. Hadn't the humans already finished building their headquarters? She then craned her neck towards the direction of the noise, and then was startled by the sight of a door being carved out of the part of the wall over her left shoulder. A hole was then drilled through it, at which point a knob was then installed. Freakazoid opened the new door and entered to greet the giant occupant of the Chamber.

"Well hey there, you must be the neighbors!" Freakazoid greeted, unperturbed by the sight of the Second Angel. "Nice to meet ya, I just moved in next door! Thought I'd stop by, introduce myself, and give you a welcome offering. Hope you like it, I just baked it fresh!" He then held out a steaming, freshly-baked pie, which he then set down. "Enjoy! Hope to see ya at the next meeting of the homeowner's association!" He then shut the door behind him as he went to make some finishing touches on the new Freakalair.

Lilith, still confused, then looked down at the pie resting on the metal beam behind her shoulder. Taking a moment to see that the coast was clear, she then quietly phased her right hand off of where it'd been sealed on the cross, lifted up the pie, looked it over, and then ate it whole. Underneath the mask, a beatific grin appeared on Lilith's face. Many floors above, NERV's personnel that day could've sworn they heard a very loud "Mmmm" echoing throughout HQ, with no idea who'd uttered it.

Freakazoid looked over his handiwork, a satisfied expression on his face as he wiped the sweat off his brow. "Ah, home, sweet home, just like I remembered!" he said. And indeed it was: every room, every piece of equipment, every nook and cranny of the Freakalair was there, just like the original. "Whaddya think, Kensuke?"

Kensuke was speechless. The Freakalair was a very, very strange HQ; among its amenities, there was a 200-screen multiplex, a giant lava lamp and bowling ball, a snow cone machine, a large blimp, a carousel, a laboratory, a hangar for vehicles (including a plane, helicopter and boat), the Hall of Temporary Sidekicks, and the Hall of Nifty Things to Know. He couldn't believe that one guy had managed to build all this that fast, and in such a strange configuration. Still, it didn't stop him from being awed. _It's...weirdly awesome!_ Kensuke admitted. _So, what're we gonna do next?_

"Next, we're gonna take my set of wheels out of mothballs," Freakazoid replied as he opened Kensuke's laptop again and caused another item to materialize from the beam of light and static that erupted from it. Soon, a strange vehicle appeared in what turned out to be the launch bay of the Freakalair. It had a blue body, which vaguely resembled a squat dragster with a big bubble dome towards the back. On its narrow front was an exposed engine block, which connected to two pairs of curved exhaust pipes on each side of the vehicle's middle section. On either side of the back were two pairs of wheels with a large tire on each of them.

"May I present to you-the Freakmobile!" Freakazoid said as he presented his ride of choice.

Kensuke was dumbfounded. This had to be one of the weirdest cars he'd ever seen.

_That's...unique,_ he finally said. _Does it still run?_

"Let's find out-test drive time!" Freakazoid exclaimed as he hopped into the (quite compact) driver's seat. He then looked our way. "Best part is, it's completely eco-friendly!" He then gunned the engine and soon the Freakmobile was speeding out of the newly-created exit from the Freakalair, and found itself on the streets of Tokyo-3. Soon he pulled up to a stoplight, where right next to him was none other than Misato, in her trademark Alpine Renault that had seen better days. Misato noticed the sudden appearance of the Freakmobile and nearly jumped out of her seat with a start. Freakazoid looked at her, grinned, and gave her a slight two-finger salute. Misato, slightly surprised, slowly waved back. Freakazoid then rolled down a window, which Misato took as a cue to do the same.

"That your car?" Freakazoid asked as he pointed to the Alpine Renault.

"Yeah," Misato replied. "Still tickin', no matter the lickin'. Even withstood the shockwave of an N2 mine's explosion."

"How come you didn't get it fixed?" Freakazoid asked.

"Have a lot on my plate," she said, not wanting to admit that she'd been just a smidge lazy about it and most of her money went to other priorities. "Comes with being NERV's chief tactical officer."

"Say no more, I'll save you the trouble," Freakazoid said as he pressed a button near the dashboard. Soon, a series of glove-wearing mechanical arms popped out of the trunk of the Freakmobile, tools in-hand, and went to work on Misato's car. In minutes, the arms retracted, revealing an Alpine Renault that was good as new. Misato was speechless, her mouth agape.

"Oh, my..." she finally managed to get out as she poked out her window and looked her vehicle over with wide eyes.

"On me, no sweat!" Freakazoid said. "Take good care of it, from now on. See ya!" The light then turned green, and soon the Freakmobile zoomed away, leaving an astonished-and highly grateful-Misato in the dust.

"Wow..." she said, until she was brought out of her reverie by the honking cars behind her waiting to go. "Sorry!" she said apologetically as she then moved forward.

Back in the Freakmobile, Kensuke was astounded by what Freakazoid had just done. _Man, that was so cool of you to do!_

"What can I say, it looked like it really needed it," Freakazoid replied. "Was the driver this Misato you've been talking about?"

_Oh yeah,_ Kensuke answered. _What I'd tell you? Total babe. I don't know how Shinji overlooks it! And he lives with her!_

"Maybe he's got someone else in mind," Freakazoid said. "You never know."

_Might have a point there,_ Kensuke responded. He then realized something. _Nuts! It's getting late-I gotta get home!_

"Don't worry, good buddy, you'll make it in plenty of time!" Freakazoid assured.

As the Freakmobile pulled towards the block where Kensuke's apartment lay, Freakazoid activated both the autopilot and the ejector seat. As soon as he was out of the vehicle, the Freakmobile then began its speedy trek back to the Freakalair. Freakazoid then landed on the sidewalk, and ducked into a nearby alley.

"Freak in!" he exclaimed, and soon he was enveloped by a flash of light and static, which was then replaced by Kensuke, who after making sure he was clear left the alley and made his way home. All in all, it'd been a productive day for the otaku and his new super-powered alter-ego-slash-'roommate', and now he was beat.

"So, what're we doing tomorrow?" he asked Freakazoid.

_Maybe you can help me get some of the Freakalair's computer systems up and running,_ the hero replied. _I've got a new AI I wanna install that'll help me in my renewed efforts to beat back the vile and villainous._

"Sure thing," Kensuke replied, still experiencing disbelief at the odd turn his life had taken. With that, he opened up the front door and headed into the apartment, ready to have dinner with his dad, who'd gotten back from a long day at NERV HQ.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**A small downtime chapter, but hopefully still funny. Misato's car repair I included as another nod to "Lilith's Herald", though not as Kirby Krackle-y. Anyway, next chapter sees Freakazoid battle an Angel for the first time! Stay tuned! And now for some fun...**

_OMAKE 2 - Freak-A-Panel 2.0_

In Hall 7B of the convention center, fans were seated as the 'Freakazoid/Evangelion' Crossover panel began. Seated at the tables, mics in front of them, were Freakazoid himself, along with Kensuke, Shinji, Asuka, and Rei. Shinji looked a bit nervous, seeing as he usually never did a lot of these panels. Come to think of it, he was never much of a con-goer. Acting as the moderator was Author0fntent.

"All right, we'll now open up the panel for Q&A," Author0fntent instructed. "Those who want to ask questions, please form an orderly, single-file line in front of the mic stand right there."

Soon enough a decent number of fans formed a line behind the mic, and the panel started taking questions.

"Hi, question's for Freakazoid," a male fan dressed as _Fire Emblem's_ Chrom started to say, "Will you be teaming up with Ultraman at any point during the story at all?"

"Sorry to say, I don't think that's in the cards," Freakazoid responded with a shrug. "We never got the go-ahead from Tsubaraya Productions. If you're into seeing Ultraman in the world of EVA, I'd highly recommend reading Thuktun Flishithy's "Leviathan". It's got not only Ultraman, but Godzilla and Gamera too. Two thumbs up, no lie!"

Another fan, dressed like Zoro from _One Piece_, then stepped up to the mic. "Yeah, question for Freakazoid," the fan began. "Any update on the progress of the _Freakazoid _movie?"

Freakazoid grinned as he answered. "So far, no updates yet, but if and when we finally get the ball rolling, I can think of no one better suited to play me-aside from me-than the incomparable Andy Samberg!"

"Hey there!" greeted the next fan, a young woman dressed as Yoruichi from _Bleach_. "Question's for Shinji. Do you know if any of your love interests from some of the other EVA works out there will show up? Mana, Mayumi, or Mari? If so, who'll you wind up with?"

Shinji blushed upon hearing that. "Uh...I, um, really don't know about Mana or Mari, but I know Mayumi'll factor into the story greatly. I won't spoil anything though-signed an ironclad non-disclosure agreement. Sorry."

"Yes, two questions for both Asuka and Rei," said another female fan, this one non-costumed. "First one, are the two of you that antagonistic in real life as you are on-screen?"

"Oh, gosh no!" Asuka replied, her hands up in a slightly defensive manner. "Really, we're good friends off-set. She makes a really mean quiche, by the way."

"We're both method actors, so what you see is the both of us really getting into it," Rei added. "Some of it is actually on-the-spot ad-libbing."

"Cool," the fan responded. "Second question, do either of you two know if you're going to become this story's Freakazette?"

Asuka and Rei, mildly surprised, looked at each other sheepishly, before turning back to their mics. "No comment," they both said simultaneously.

"Hi, question for Kensuke," a non-costumed male fan with glasses began, "How does it feel to have the rare opportunity to be the main lead of an EVA story?"

Kensuke adjusted his glasses a bit before he answered. "I gotta admit, I was pretty nervous when they asked me to be the lead for this one. But I looked over the script, liked what I saw, and now I'm looking forward to see how this pans out. I mean, yeah, like you said, it's rare I get to headline one of these stories, show off my range a bit. Couldn't have asked for a better co-star too."

"Hi, yes, question for Freakazoid," a female fan dressed like _Inuyasha's_ Kikyo started to say. "Who would win in a fight, Sailor Moon or Cutie Honey?"

Freakazoid looked confused upon hearing the question. "Uh, well, I dunno really, not really either of my shows, I guess Cutie Honey, unless Sailor Moon's got the other Scouts backing her up."

"How many chapters of the story will Saitama from _One-Punch Man_ appear in?" a fan dressed as that very same character asked.

"Um..." Freakazoid scratched his head. He was then saved when Author0fntent stepped in and took the mic.

"All right folks, I think it's safe to say that the panel's finished," he said sheepishly. "Thanks for coming, enjoy the rest of the show!"

Shinji looked at his friends while this was going on, and then let out a long, tired sigh.

"This is why I don't do many of these cons," he said as he slumped back in his chair a bit.


	5. Episode 4

Freakazoid [sitting behind a desk in front of a TV studio sound stage]: "Good day, Tokyo-3. This station is conducting a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. This is only a test."

[Sucks in a DEEP breath.]

"*Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...*"

[Eyes widen, face begins to puff up and turn pink.]

"*...Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...*"

[Face turns a deeper blue, grits his teeth as he continues to make the sound.]

"*...Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...*"

[Runs out of breath, nearly collapses from his chair behind the desk, before regaining his composure and snapping back into position.]

"This concludes our test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. This was only a test. If there had been an ACTUAL emergency-such as an Angel attack-we would have gone like this...AAAAHHH! HELP! HELP US! NO! GET US OUT OF HERE! HELP ME! HELP EVERYONE! AAAAAHHHH!...Thank you. And now, the chapter!"

**Episode 4 - Scuffle in Cyberspace, Part 1**

The following day at school proved to be a bit uneventful, yet there were small, subtle changes readily apparent to those who noticed them. It started in the morning, right when everyone in class 2-A had taken their seats and Hikari had done her usual 'Stand! Bow! Sit!' routine. Soon enough, as the elderly teacher began his long droning on about life following Second Impact, the students immediately saw that something was very different in their environment. All eyes turned to the source of that wonder: Rei Ayanami. For once, she wasn't staring out the window with her usual unblinking expression. No, she was actually looking at the board while the teacher kept babbling on, but not really looking at what he was writing. She was also moving her pen in an open notebook on her desk; most disturbing to the students who quietly stole a look at the First Child was the beatific smile she had on her face.

Shinji, curious as to what she was jotting down in her notebook, carefully and quietly looked over her shoulder. Asuka, herself beset by a small level of curiosity as well, did the same. What they saw made their eyes go wide with surprise: Rei was doodling in her notebook. It wasn't just anything or anyone she was doodling though-it was Freakazoid. They were very good character studies of the nutty superhero, and what really stood out to her fellow pilots was the amount of hearts she'd drawn around each individual mini-'portrait'. Slowly, the two of them snuck back to their respective desks, their curiosity sated for the time being.

The lunch bell rang after three or so hours of the students enduring all that yakking, and all gleefully fled the classroom in droves. Kensuke joined his friends as they made their way towards the stairs to the roof, but stopped when he noticed someone putting some books in their locker. It was a girl that they all knew of: Mayumi Yamagishi, the resident bookworm of the school. Like himself, her social life amounted to 'very little' given her unofficial lumping-in with the rest of the 'nerd' population at school, and though they didn't interact a whole lot, Kensuke did feel for her since he, outside his particular circle of friends, knew the feeling of being overlooked or slightly made fun of by the student population at large.

_Why don't ya invite her along?_ Freakazoid asked. _She looks like she could use a friend or five._

_I dunno,_ Kensuke thought. _I know Mayumi keeps to herself a lot..._

_All the more reason!_ Freakazoid countered. _I mean look at it this way, either one of you could've wound up in a very different place._

_Oh boy..._Kensuke thought, sensing a long-winded story coming.

_I remember seeing this in an old after-school special,_ Freakazoid continued. _Mary and Sally: best friends. They did absolutely everything together. Then one day, Mary fell in with the 'wrong crowd', and Mary didn't have time for Sally anymore. Sally would say "Wanna go play a game or pretend we're kitties?", and Mary would say "Uh-uh, I'm in with the 'Wrong Crowd'". Sally was so sad that she ran home, climbed up a tree and started eating cookies-a ton of cookies. She got huge...huuuge...HUUUUGE...HUUUUUUGE!..._

_Um, where're you going with this?_ Kensuke asked.

_Oh, right-point is, extend a hand of friendship,_ Freakazoid clarified. _You never know, Mayumi might make a great friend to you n' yours. Doesn't hurt to try, right?_

Kensuke pondered that for a moment, before deciding to do just that.

"Hey, Mayumi?" he called to her.

Mayumi turned at the sound of his voice, slightly startled. "A-Aida? What is it?" she asked nervously.

"Uh, my friends and I are heading up to the roof to eat-you wanna join us?" he asked.

Mayumi was confused. She looked to either side of the hallway before looking back at Kensuke. "You-you mean it?" she asked.

Kensuke nodded his head, eliciting a small smile from the bookworm. "Let me just get my bento," she said.

"Sure thing," Kensuke responded before turning to the rest of his friends. "Hey guys, hold on! We got another joining us!"

A couple minutes later, the six were now up on the roof eating together, joined by newcomer Mayumi. Among other things they talked about, Shinji and Asuka mentioned the surprise they received when they saw Misato pull up to the apartment building the other night-with her car fully-repaired, looking like it was never hit by an N2 mine's shockwave. Even more surprising was the amount of care and self-control Misato demonstrated when she parked it. Eventually, Mayumi shifted topics.

"Say, Asuka?" she asked the redheaded member of their group. "I've wanted to know, considering you went to college so young, what was the reading material like at that level?"

"Really? That's what you want to ask me about?" Asuka replied curiously, with a hint of disbelief. "Well, to answer your question, a lot of the books I had to read were a lot like the Third and Jock-Stooge here-DENSE."

"HEY!" both Shinji and Toji exclaimed, chagrined by the comparison.

"But a lot of them were interesting reads for the time," she continued. "Just try not to get one of those English professors that'll assign you _Jonathan Livingston Seagull_-a lot of what that particular book covered really went over my head."

"Oh! I've heard of that one," Mayumi replied. "I'll have to figure out where I can squeeze it on my reading list, it's pretty long."

"Uh, how long, if you don't mind me asking?" Shinji said.

At that, Mayumi took out a rolled-up paper from her pocket and unfurled it...all the way over the railing till part of it was hanging on the side of the building. The others stared in surprise.

"That's...a long list," Hikari noted.

"What can I say, the printed page has been one of my oldest friends for years," Mayumi said.

"Any manga on there?" Kensuke asked.

"Oh, definitely," she replied, "I've got a few titles at numbers 135, 294, and 377."

"How do you make all that time to read them?" Toji asked in a dumbfounded manner.

"I try and fit in as much as I can," she answered.

Asuka thumbed through the list for a bit. "Holy _schnike_," she said, causing her to briefly make a face in our direction, as if she was confused by what she'd just said. "There's even some of the books I did get assigned, AND actually read through all the way." She then noticed one particular omission. "I'm surprised _Jane Eyre_ isn't on here."

"Even I have my limits," Mayumi admitted.

Surprisingly, the conversation continued, with Mayumi even making some spot-on reading recommendations to each of them, based on their personality and reading habits. Kensuke especially liked the prospect of the manga she recommended to him, an oldie about fighter pilots named _Area-88_.

_You did good, Kensuke,_ Freakazoid commented from within the Freakazone. _I think you'll be seeing more of her with you guys on a regular basis. And sidebar, I can see a respectable career as a librarian in her future._

At that moment, Shinji perked up. "Oh right, I nearly forgot," he said, "Misato wanted me to remind you of the test we have this evening."

"Even I knew that, baka," Asuka said. "Unless she left out an important detail or two..."

"I remember Dr. Akagi mentioning something would be different about the test today," Rei added, "but she did not elaborate on it."

"I guess that means the three of you won't have cleaning duty today," Hikari mentioned. "Kensuke, Mayumi, think you can pitch in?"

"Uh, sure," Kensuke answered.

"That's fine," added Mayumi. "You sound like you yourself won't be around, though."

"There's a reason for that," Hikari said, "I told Toji I'd go with him when he goes to visit his sister in the hospital this afternoon."

_She likes him, doesn't she?_ Freakazoid inferred in a teasing manner.

_Not now,_ Kensuke mentally grumbled back at him.

_What, everyone can see it!_ Freakazoid clapped back as he invoked the titular trope. _Well, okay, not everybody, Shinji there's a bit naive in the ways of the heart. Speaking of, the same goes for him and Asuka._

_Same what?_ Kensuke asked confusedly.

_ECSI! Everyone can see it!_ Freakazoid replied. _It's so obvious those two are crazy about each other, even a caveman can spot it!_

At that moment, Freakazoid heard the sound of a throat being cleared, and turned in to see one of the GEICO cavemen looking at him with a furrowed brow, arms folded, and his right foot tapping.

"Sorry about that, it just slipped out," Freakazoid sheepishly apologized. The caveman then turned and walked away. _Anyway, Kensuke, it's not a matter of if, but WHEN they'll realize it. Don't be too surprised if they start acting differently at some point in the future._

_If you say so,_ the otaku thought dismissively.

Soon enough, the rest of the school day passed by, and it was at the end of the day where the pilots bid their friends adieu as they headed off to NERV HQ. Hikari and Toji then made their way to the hospital, leaving Kensuke and Mayumi to finish up their cleaning duty for the day.

"Hey, Kensuke?" Mayumi started to ask as she ran her soapy rag across the blackboard. "Can I ask you something?"

Kensuke turned up as he paused in his sweeping. "Yeah?"

"Why did you invite me to eat with you guys?" she asked.

"Well," Kensuke started to say, "you always seem so lonely. I know how it is, getting overlooked just because we're not as popular." He then pointed to his glasses. "We of the 'society of specs' ought to stick together."

Mayumi chuckled at hearing that.

Kensuke looked up for a moment before turning back to her. "Say, you wanna hang out some time, if you aren't busy?"

"You mean it?" she asked. He nodded affirmatively. "Sure!"

Kensuke then got her cell number, and the two managed to finish cleaning before parting ways for the day. Kensuke was soon on his way, and as soon as he found an alley, ducked into it to allow his 'roommate' time to come out for his usual patrol.

"Ooooh Freak Out!" Kensuke exclaimed, and soon was enveloped in a flash of light and static, replaced momentarily by Freakazoid, who then sped off into his usual rounds.

**The Geofront, an hour later...**

Things were going smoothly with the sync test being conducted to aid in the development of the dummy plug autopilot system. Emphasis on smoothly, so far. Unfortunately, NERV and Murphy's Law tended to go well hand-in-hand, and the detection of some supposed corrosion on the level above the tank where the test bodies the EVA pilots were in was the start of where things began to go wrong that evening. Then the corrosion spread faster. Deployment of a group of laser-wielding robots then revealed it was more than just corrosion. When the lasers fired on the spots of corrosion, a series of glowing white octagons repelled them. It was a response all-too familiar to NERV's personnel...

"Was that an A-T Field?!" Misato wondered with worry. "Then that means...!"

"Pattern blue confirmed!" a tech alarmingly said. "It's an Angel!"

"Get the pilots out of there, RIGHT NOW!" Ritsuko ordered. At her command, the simulation plugs containing the pilots were forcibly ejected out of the tank and launched into a shaft that led out into one of the Geofront's lakes. The pilots were safely out of harm's way, which meant it was now up to the staff to deal with the newest menace in town...

**Bum-bum-BUMMMM! To be continued...**


	6. Episode 5

**Episode 5 - Scuffle in Cyberspace, Part 2**

**The streets of Tokyo-3, around the same time as the attack on the Geofront...**

Freakazoid was standing atop a mailbox as he scanned the streets before him, looking as solemn as he could be.

_What exactly are you doing?_ Kensuke wondered, baffled by his 'roommate's' antics.

"Keeping a lookout for trouble, wherever it may be," the wacky wonder replied. "Make no mistake, evildoers are out here, and once I get a whiff of their stench, NOTHING will stand in my way!"

At that moment, a police car stopped near Freakazoid, and its driver rolled down the window, getting the hero's attention.

"Hey Freakazoid," Sgt. Kusagabe started to say, "wanna get some mochi?"

Freakazoid's determined expression immediately turned to one of excitement and glee. "Okay!"

_WHAT?!_ Kensuke thought with equal parts astonishment and confusion.

A few minutes later, Freakazoid and Kusagabe were leaning on the side of the squad car, having finished a good helping of, respectively, green tea and strawberry-flavored mochi.

"Aaaahhh," Freakazoid uttered as he savored the taste of the treat, rubbing his full belly, "now that's some good mochi. I don't know why it never took off in America."

"Your guess is as good as mine," Kusagabe said. "By the way-there's some kinda racket going on at NERV headquarters in the Geofront. Could be trouble."

"Think I should go investigate?" Freakazoid asked. _THINK?_ Kensuke asked exasperatingly. _How is THAT a matter of 'think'?!_

"I would," Kusagabe replied, "but that's me."

Freakazoid gave it some thought, before getting into a pose of 'heroic pointing'. "You're RIGHT! Duty calls!" He then was about to get into a leaping pose, before shouting to no one in particular, "Hello, Duty! I'm coming!" He then began running off, his arms forward, making swooshing sounds with his mouth, towards the direction of the Geofront. After finding an accessible entrance, he found himself in one of the green areas of the Geofront, specifically near a lake-the same lake that currently had three simulation plugs floating at its shore.

"Huh, what're those things?" Freakazoid wondered.

_They look like entry plugs for an Evangelion unit,_ Kensuke replied. _Think there might be people inside?_

"Only one way to find out," Freakazoid said, as he moved towards the middle plug, and then knocked on it. "Yoo-hoo, anyone home? Chimney sweep!" Freakazoid called out.

"Is someone out there?" wondered a voice from within the plug.

"Huh, you sound familiar," Freakazoid noted, before snapping his fingers in realization. "Oh yeah, you're that Shinji kid I saved the other day!"

"Wha?" the confused Shinji said. "Wait, who's there?"

"It's Freakazoid! Think you can open that thing?" the blue-faced hero asked.

"Uh, give me a minute," Shinji replied. He then managed to feel around until he found the plug's emergency release, which caused the door to open up. Once fully-open, Freakazoid gaped a bit at what he found inside.

"Zoids! What happened to your clothes?" he asked the pilot of Unit-01.

Shinji blushed as he covered himself up with his hands. "I-It's kind of embarrassing," he said. "As part of this special sync test, me and the other pilots needed to...well, be naked so they could get proper bio-readouts or something. It's for a new autopilot system they're developing."

"Oooh-kaaaayyy..." Freakazoid said as he scratched his head. "Now explain why you and the girls are out here and not in there."

"We don't know," Shinji replied, "all of a sudden we started hearing some of the technicians panicking, then Dr. Akagi had our simulation plugs ejected out here. I think they wanted to get us away from whatever the trouble was." He then looked towards where the Evangelions had been sent out of harm's way. "Looks like it was serious enough that they didn't want the EVAs damaged." Shinji turned even redder as he felt a slight chill. "Although I wish they'd put some kind of emergency blankets in these things."

A smile then appeared on Freakazoid's face. "Not to worry, I ALWAYS come prepared," he said as he pulled something from out of nowhere behind himself. "Complimentary towel?" he offered. Shinji eagerly took it and tied it around his waist.

"HEY, what's going on out there?" Asuka barked out from her plug. Shinji moved closer to it so he could answer her.

"Freakazoid's here, he's got fresh towels for us!" Shinji said.

"Well why didn't you say something?" Asuka asked. "_Wundergirl_ and I will open our plugs, but you BOTH better have your eyes skyward, GOT IT?!"

"Yes MA'AM," Freakazoid said as he got out two more towels while he and Shinji immediately looked up at the ceiling of the Geofront. Soon they heard the hissing that came with Asuka and Rei's plugs opening up, and the respective hands of each female pilot grabbed the towels off of Freakazoid's arms.

"All right, you can look down now," Asuka said, which Freakazoid and Shinji then did. Both Asuka and Rei had wrapped their towels around themselves. Just then, that same swooning expression appeared on Rei's face, and the pilot of Unit-00 glomped onto Freakazoid, surprising her fellow pilots greatly.

"WHOA!" Freakazoid said with surprise (and a very Lewis-y impression). "WHOA with the hugging, and the embracing, and the fawning..."

Rei merely let out a flirtatious-sounding sigh, something neither Shinji nor Asuka had EVER heard come from her; same with the way she followed it up with the batting of her eyelashes. The sight of it slightly unnerved Asuka especially.

"Third Child," Asuka started to say, "be honest with me, right now." She then pointed to the blue-haired girl with her arms wrapped around Freakazoid's right arm in a way eerily familiar to the Second Child. "Is that seriously how I look whenever Kaji's around?"

Shinji blinked as he looked at the redhead. He then did a double-take from her to Rei on Freakazoid's arm. "Are you absolutely sure?" he asked.

Asuka nodded affirmatively. "You really want my honesty?" Shinji asked with clarification.

Asuka nodded again. Shinji this time gave it a moment of thought before he answered.

"*SIGH* Yes, Asuka, that's exactly how you look," the Third Child said with a hint of reluctance. Asuka then did a double-take of her own as she looked from Shinji to the love-struck Rei.

"Oh boy..." a dumbstruck Asuka said, more than a shade embarrassed. She then shook her head as something else occurred to her. "Forget that, we've still got a situation here!" She then looked at Freakazoid. "You're the superhero-go see what's going on in HQ! What're you waiting for?!"

"Thanks for reminding me," Freakazoid said as he carefully slipped free from Rei's grip. He then turned to the First Child still mooning over him. "Sit tight, okay? Gotta go see somebody about some shenanigans. And I'm off!" He then turned and dashed into HQ in a flash of lightning. Shinji and Asuka looked again at Rei, still completely dumbstruck by the way their comrade seemed to change whenever Freakazoid was around. Rei herself, a beatific smile still on her face, touched her cheek with her right hand.

"What a guy..." the First Child said longingly. "I'm never washing this face again..."

Once again, the Second and Third Child's jaws dropped, not just at the way Rei was acting, but by the fact that this was the second time ever that they'd heard her use contractions in her sentences.

**Central Dogma, moments later...**

Misato, Ritsuko and the techs were scrambling to fend off the invasion of their own home by the 11th Angel, known as Iruel, while Commander Ikari and Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki looked on at their efforts. It was at that moment, much to the shock and surprise of everyone present, that Freakazoid arrived.

_"Here I come to save the daaaaaayyyyy!"_ he sang triumphantly. "Now what seems to be the problem here?"

"What the-how in the world did you even get down here?" Fuyutsuki asked, dumbfounded.

"Simple-someone left the key under the mat," Freakazoid answered as he held up a key ring, which among other things had Gendo's name on a tag. The other staff members looked at Commander Ikari equally-dumbfounded as Fuyutsuki.

Gendo, ignoring their stares, furrowed his brows at the red-clad hero. "This is none of your concern, AND you're trespassing in a classified facility," he said sternly. "Leave now-this situation is under control."

"Really? 'Cause the way your people are acting here makes me think otherwise," Freakazoid responded in turn.

"Sorry Commander, but at this point, we'll take any solution we can get!" Misato said as she turned to Freakazoid. "Long story short, we're fighting an Angel that's like a computer virus, and if we don't stop it soon, it'll get all three components of the MAGI to activate HQ's self-destruct!"

"Wait, a computer virus?" Freakazoid wondered. "I thought Angels were supposed to be big monsters or something."

"We all thought so too, until now," Ritsuko said. "This one's shrugged off all our attempts so far to take it down, and we're running out of time here."

Freakazoid then took a look at the MAGI, fingers on his chin in contemplation, before him before reaching a decision.

"Stand back folks, while I see how Mr. Angel here does on _my_ turf," Freakazoid said. Suddenly, he changed into a flash of light and static and entered the MAGI, to the surprise of the staff. Freakazoid traveled along the pathways of the MAGI's internal structure, noting the oddity of this particular cyberspace environment compared to the places he'd usually been to.

"Ooh, neato!" he said as he started taking pictures with a camera like some wandering tourist. Eventually, he floated to where the sounds of a fracas could be heard, and soon came upon what looked like a sandbagged bunker in the middle of a war zone. Hunkered down behind it were three identical-looking women, all of whom resembled Naoko Akagi, Ritsuko's mother and the MAGI's creator. All of them were wearing World War II-styled helmets, firing off all manner of artillery and ordinance in an attempt to hold something at bay.

"'Scuse me-got a minute?" Freakazoid asked as he approached them. The three turned around and looked at the new arrival with surprise.

"Well, well, who _do_ we have here?" one of the women said in a flirtatious manner, a seductive smile on her face. She was a picture of physical perfection.

"Oh, please tell me you aren't with that...that _thing_ that's trying to kill us," said another, who looked like her sultry counterpart, though she was slimmer and had a more gentle appearance.

"What thing?" Freakazoid asked.

"That would be the large collective of Angelic nanites approaching us with the intent of overriding our directives and forcing us to activate the self-destruct sequence," answered the third woman, who had a face that greatly reflected a colder, more logical countenance compared to her counterparts. She pointed Freakazoid towards the invader, and sure enough he was thrown for a loop by what he saw.

Iruel, the Angel of Fear, was indeed as the woman described: a marauding force of golden-hued nanites, acting like a relentless computer virus. It was also getting closer to the bunker that the three women had set up. At that point, the sultry one took a turn with the heavy machine gun aimed at Iruel and proceeded to 'let 'em have it', firing off another belt of ammo. The gentler woman fearfully tossed a grenade that exploded harmlessly against the nanites.

"Don't worry, I'm one of the good guys," Freakazoid said reassuringly. "You three have names?"

"Call me Caspar, _darling_," the seductress answered first.

"I'm-I'm Balthasar," said the matronly one.

"You may refer to me as Melchior," said the logical one.

Freakazoid scratched his head upon hearing all this. "Oh-kay, and what exactly are you three, sisters? Programs? Sister programs?"

Melchior stepped up to answer this. "We three are the main components of the MAGI 7th generation semi-organic supercomputer, created by Dr. Naoko Akagi. Using an experimental Personality Transplant Operating System, Dr. Akagi imbued each of us with a different aspect of her own personality. I am the part of her that is the scientist; Balthasar is herself as a mother; and Caspar is that which is herself as a woman. There are similar systems in use by the other branches of NERV across the world, but we are unique only to this one here in Japan."

"Oh, I get it," Freakazoid noted, "you're basically the brains of NERV's whole operation."

"HA!" Caspar laughed, "forget NERV, the MAGI practically run the whole town! We even make all the major political decisions here."

"Oy, reminds me of _Colossus: The Forbin Project_," Freakazoid said, "but never mind that, what do we do about the golden goon squad over there?"

"We don't know!" Balthasar answered worriedly. "Nothing seems to be working against it, and we've tried nearly everything."

"Not _everything_," Caspar slyly said.

"We are NOT blowing ourselves up," Melchior flatly stated.

"I'm just saying..." Caspar implied.

"Ladies, ladies, I think you've been going about this the wrong way," Freakazoid suggested. "Maybe we could come up with something if the three of you literally put your heads together-you know, 'the whole's only as good as the sum of its parts'? Maybe right now we don't need Melchior, Caspar and Balthasar-we might need Naoko Akagi. Let's try that, shall we?"

The three MAGI components all looked at each other as if they'd had the same epiphany.

"The guy in the red underwear's got a point," Caspar admitted.

"Agreed," Balthasar concurred.

"Very well, there is some logical sense in his idea, I must admit," Melchior concluded.

With that, the three nodded at each other and joined their hands. Soon they were enveloped by a flash of light, forcing Freakazoid to briefly shield his eyes. When he opened them, where there were three, now stood one, the best cyberspace approximation of the late Naoko Akagi, a whole woman once more.

The Naoko AI shook her head to clear the cobwebs a bit before addressing Freakazoid. "All right, let's compare notes. I've exhausted all the options I could muster, so what do you have to offer?"

Freakazoid held his chin for a moment, and started pacing back and forth.

"Some time THIS CENTURY!" Naoko exhorted.

"All right, all right, simmer down," Freakazoid said. "I've got it! You ever see _The Matrix_?"

"Um, yes," Naoko said, drawing upon memories from her former life. "Why do you ask?" Suddenly, she gave herself a slight slap upside the head. "Why didn't I think of _that_ before?!"

"It's okay, we all have off days," Freakazoid said reassuringly.

"So we change the environment, make the Angel bend to our rules..." Naoko outlined. "How do you want to do it?"

Freakazoid smiled. "I thought you'd never ask..."

Back in the real world, in Central Dogma, the staff noticed a change occur on the main monitor depicting the Angel's progress and how much the MAGI were holding out. All of a sudden, Freakazoid's face appeared on the screen, with a flashing 'Press Start' underneath him. All eyes turned to Makoto Hyuga, resident otaku of the senior bridge techs, who carefully leaned forward and tapped the keys that would approximate a start button. As soon as he did, Naoko and Freakazoid unleashed the changes on the digital environment they'd come up with.

"Shout-out to Mainframe Entertainment for this one," Freakazoid said, looking in our direction. "REBOOT!"

In a flash, the screen shifted into something that took the gathered command and technical staff by surprise. The backdrop looked like a Shaolin temple as seen in an old Kung Fu movie, complete with a fighting stage. More surprising were the two figures standing on it.

Freakazoid had gotten a bit more muscular, and his hairstyle had become an over-exaggerated flattop, held in place by a white headband. He wore a red sleeveless karate gi, held together by a black belt with his own logo on it. On his hands were white fist guards.

Iruel had become something else altogether, as if all the nanites had been condensed into one being. It now resembled a very muscular humanoid wearing some sort of golden military uniform, complete with an officer's cap with a winged skull emblem, with Iruel's core visible in-between the wings. It also had on armored shoulder pads that flared outward, along with armored arm bracers and shin guards over older military-styled boots. The Angel was completely befuddled by the new appearance it'd taken on, evidenced by the curiosity it displayed as it flexed its new fingers and stretched its new limbs.

Both fighters then, as if on cue, got into their respective stances. Naoko appeared in the middle in the form of the referee, getting ready to start the match to come.

"WHAT the-?!" Makoto gaped.

"Round one..." Naoko declared as she began to wave her hand. "...FIGHT!"

**[Suggested music: Street Fighter II Arcade Music - Ryu Stage]**

Freakazoid launched into a spinning jump kick, catching Iruel by surprise ["Froynlayvin!"]. He followed it up with a couple of quick punches to Iruel's chest, which the Angel blocked only on the second attempt with its armored left forearm. Iruel fought back with a devastating stomping kick of its own, knocking Freakazoid back a ways. Just as Iruel was about to jump towards him, Freakazoid fought back by hurling a couple of chi fireballs ["Hoboken! Hoboken!"], which helped knock Iruel off-balance, as the Angel of Fear managed to land on its feet.

"Are we seriously seeing this?!" Ritsuko asked, near-speechless by this development.

"I'd say we definitely are," Misato affirmed as she motioned for Shigeru Aoba, another of the senior bridge trio, to pass her the popcorn.

"Who knew video games would wind up saving us?" Maya wondered.

The clash between superhero and Angel continued, with Iruel at one point nearly nailing Freakazoid with a combination of a backflip, a right punch before he landed, and another right-handed back hand thrust ["Angel Reverse!"]. Freakazoid managed to recover, having guarded against the last motion, and unleashed another trio of fireballs ["Hoboken! Hoboken! Hoboken!"]. All but one managed to hit Iruel, who then jumped into a fast spinning attack ["Angel Crusher!"] that Freakazoid guarded against as best he could.

Freakazoid then pummeled Iruel with a barrage of punches and low sweep kicks, which made Iruel stagger more and more backwards. The NERV staff watching the fight took note of the health bars above each fighter: Freakazoid had significantly put a serious dent in Iruel's HP. Naoko noticed this right from where she was standing, as she saw more and more cracks appear in Iruel's core. Freakazoid kept the blows coming, with Iruel's guard weakening further. Finally, Freakazoid landed the finishing blow, when he quickly crouched down, got close to Iruel, and then launched into a jumping, spinning uppercut with a glowing fist.

"SHEBOYGAN!" Freakazoid yelled as his fist connected with Iruel's jaw. The Angel was sent flying onto its back as the core finally gave out and shattered, the last bit of its health bar finally gone. Iruel then dissipated in a mist of pixels, to the cheers of everyone watching in the real world. A grinning Freakazoid then took a bow as the final high score was tallied, which then led to the screen returning to normal. Even better was the indication displayed on-screen that the blue pattern had vanished. Tokyo-3 was safe once again.

Freakazoid then reappeared in Central Dogma in a flash of light and static to near-universal applause.

"No thanks necessary, just doing my job," he said confidently.

"How'd you even do all that?" Shigeru asked.

"Pulled a _Matrix_ with the help of the MAGI, the rest was all me," Freakazoid answered. "_Nice lay-dee_ when you get to know her. Chatted for a bit afterwards."

At that moment, Gendo stepped up and confronted the superhero. "You know and have seen too much," the commander of NERV warned. "I'm afraid you'll need to be taken into our custody."

"Would if I could, but I can't," Freakazoid smugly replied. "Got too much to do, and _Three's Company's_ gonna be on in ten minutes. Plus it's a good episode! It's where Jack-"

"CHIRON!" Gendo barked.

Soon enough, the burly thug of a man that acted as head of NERV's Section-2 appeared, his number two man Sato at his side. Both were flanked by a squad of agents. Misato grimaced upon seeing them. "Oh, great..." she grumbled quietly.

"Ikari, are you mad?" Fuyutsuki questioned. "The man just saved our lives, and the lives of everyone in the city! And _this_ is how you repay him?!"

"He also broke into a restricted area and saw valuable secrets that cannot be made public," Gendo countered. "I won't take any chances here." He then turned to Chiron. "Arrest him."

"With pleasure," Chiron gleefully growled as he eyed Freakazoid. "You got trouble comin', freak. Section-2's never lost a perp, and I aim ta keep it that way, so I'm tail-grabbin' yo' keister right now!"

"OOH! OOH!" Freakazoid exclaimed while waving his raised hand like a school kid. "Can we do one of those Benny Hill chase scenes? I've always wanted to do that!"

Chiron, Sato and the other Section-2 agents stood there, scratching their heads at what Freakazoid just asked. Their confusion was short-lived.

"GET HIM!" Chiron ordered.

Freakazoid then looked our way. "I'll take that as a YES!" he said as he turned and held his arms angled forward while he got into his usual 'flying' run.

**[Suggested music: "Yakety Sax" by "Boots" Randolph.]**

Soon he was off, fleeing through the halls of NERV HQ with Section-2 on his tail, "Yakety Sax" strangely playing in the background as it happened. The staff watched the chase on one of the other monitors as Freakazoid led Section-2 on a very wild goose chase from corridor to corridor, hallway to hallway, back and forth and up and down. Soon enough parts of the squad were running all over the place thinking they were following Freakazoid, he himself sometimes in the middle of their numbers or even following them from behind, without them realizing it. The techs and command staff watched this with an almost hypnotic fascination.

"Hoo boy, I'm starting to get dizzy from all this," Maya said as she shook her head to get her bearings back.

"Since when did we wind up in a _Scooby-Doo_ rerun?" Shigeru asked as he scratched his head.

"I think this gag's been used in more than just that," Makoto added.

Misato squinted a moment as she focused on the feed for some reason. "Hang on..." she started to say. Then her eyes went wide. "He's gone!" she said while pointing at the monitor. The others then realized she was right-Freakazoid had given Section-2 the slip _and_ had left them chasing their own tail. Gendo was not happy, as one could guess. He then picked up a phone on the console that connected him to HQ's PA system.

"CHIRON!" he shouted. This in turn caused Chiron to stop suddenly, which caused Sato to crash into him, followed by the other Section-2 agents from all sides. The bridge bunnies, Ritsuko, Misato, and Fuyutsuki alternated between wincing and mouthing 'That's gotta hurt' or 'ouch' as the multi-agent pile-up wound to a halt. Gendo, upon seeing this, gave himself one heck of a face-palm, disgusted by the incompetence he'd just witnessed.

**Outside the Geofront, minutes later...**

Freakazoid snuck into an alley a block away from Kensuke's apartment building, while looking to make sure the coast was clear.

"All right Kensuke," Freakazoid started to say, "I'd say that about does it for today. Freak in!"

Soon Freakazoid was enveloped in a flash of light and static, and Kensuke stood in his place. The otaku then started on his way home, but mentally he was jumping excitedly over what he'd just seen Freakazoid go through.

_THAT WAS SO COOL!_ he beamed. _I can't believe it-you defeated an Angel without an EVA! And we traveled inside the MAGI! Aw man, I wish I had my camera..._

As he finished that thought, a more distressing one quickly followed as the boy realized something.

_OH MAN! The security cameras!_ he worriedly thought. _They could figure out how you got out, and where you were headed! We're dead!_

_Easy Kensuke, calm down!_ Freakazoid reassured him. _It's all good, the cameras weren't working when we made our little exit._

_They weren't?_ Kensuke wondered confusedly. _How?!_

_With a little help from our new friend,_ Freakazoid hinted as Kensuke walked through the front door to his building. _I have a feeling she'll come in handy going forward..._

Meanwhile, back within the MAGI cyberscape, Naoko whistled idly as she slipped a thumb drive containing the security footage into her lab coat's inside pocket.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
And so, Freakazoid faces off with his first Angel, and emerges victorious!**

**Freakazoid's character sprite is meant to riff on both Ryu and Guile, with Iruel being a spoof of M. Bison (or Vega for those who prefer the Japanese version). Freakazoid's attacks are named for a couple of U.S. cities (Hoboken, New Jersey and Sheboygan, Wisconsin), and also riff on the way Paul Rugg's Jerry Lewis impression sounds.**

**Debuting in this chapter is another experiment in 'pending approval' with Chiron and Sato from the Superwomen of EVA series. My portrayal of the two differs in that Chiron parodies Jackie Gleason's Sheriff Buford T. Justice from ****_Smokey and the Bandit_****, while Sato will lampoon Don Knotts' Barney Fife from ****_The Andy Griffith Show_****. The Section-2 pile-up is meant to parody the multi-car pile-up from ****_The Blues Brothers_****. The three Naokos riff on OrionPax09's Superwomen of EVA story "Triple Threat".**

**Oh and, on another note, I whipped up an art piece to go with this chapter, which can be found on my DeviantArt profile. Simply search for "NERV Freaks Out: 'Freak Fighter'".**

**And now, some fun!**

_OMAKE 3 - The Sidekick Chronicles: Expendable Lad II_

**Announcer: "And now, another chapter in Freakazoid's never-ending search for the perfect sidekick:**

**_The Sidekick Chronicles_**

**Today's episode: the All-New, All-Different Expendable Lad!"**

**-X-**

Freakazoid walked out on stage as he addressed the audience.

Freakazoid: "Folks, you demanded it, and now we're delivering it. It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you, for the first time since 1995, a new Expendable Lad!"

The curtain then opened behind him, revealing a nervous and embarrassed Shinji. He was wearing a green costume, with a dark green domino mask, gloves and trunks, a pair of white boots, a belt with a red buckle, and a red cape. On his chest was a logo showing the letter 'E' behind a red 'No' symbol.

Shinji: "What'd I do to deserve this?"

Freakazoid: "Now kid, I gotta warn you, this line of work isn't easy, and there will be moments where you might wind up in harm's way."

Shinji: "But that's the same thing when I'm piloting an Evangelion! What's so different about being your sidekick?"

Freakazoid: "Easy."

Freakazoid then pointed at a grouping of campy-looking costumed villains, all looking quite mean and ready to rumble. Now Shinji was terrified.

Freakazoid: "You'll be fighting human-sized foes."

Shinji stared at Freakazoid, dumbstruck, then at the villains, growing more terrified. He then looked in our direction.

Shinji: "I've gotta get a new agent."


	7. Episode 6 - Musical Interlude 1

**Announcer: "...And now, a musical interlude."**

**-X-**

On stage were Freakazoid (in an 'electric gypsy' version of his costume, sporting a mini afro and a red headband) and a backing band that included a flabbergasted Shigeru Aoba playing lead guitar. The NERV tech and part-time musician hadn't the foggiest idea of how he even got here, and it slightly scared him. The band was dressed like they'd fit in during the Summer of Love in San Francisco, and they'd just started playing "Foxy Lady". Strangely, the logo on the drummer's kit said "The Jerry Hendrix Experience".

Freakazoid [clutching the mic and stand a la Jim Morrison]:

**_You know you a, cute little_** **HOYVIN-GLAYVIN!** _**(*GASP* Foxy...)**_

Shigeru, as he continued to shred on the guitar, just stared at Freakazoid, as if wondering 'What _the heck_ is he doing?!'.

Freakazoid:

_**And you know you a, sweet little**_ **FLAAY-VIN!** _**(*SIGH* Foxy...)**_

Shigeru just gaped while he kept playing, before looking our way, as if wondering 'How'd I wind up in a gig like this anyway?!'.

Freakazoid:

_**Wanna take you home...**_

_**I won't do you no harm...**_

_**You got to be all mine, all mine...**_

_**Ooh, Foxy**_ **LAY-DEEEEEE!**

Shigeru, taking a reluctant 'just go with it' approach, did his best with the guitar solo.

Freakazoid:

_**Gonna take you home...**_

_**I won't do you no harm, oh no...**_

_**You got to be all mine, all mine...**_

_**Foxy**_ **LAAAAAYY-DEEEEEE!**

**NICE LAY-DEE! LA-LA-LAH-VELY LAY-DEE...**

Shigeru then ended the set on a final riff, to the applause of the unseen audience, while a grinning Freakazoid took his bows.

**-X-**

**Announcer: "This concludes our musical interlude. We now return to our story."**

****Author's Note(s)****

**My update of the 'musical interlude' interstitial segments from ****_Freakazoid_****'s first season. Instead of playing classical pieces on the piano, here he riffs on a legendary rock guitarist in reference to "Weird Al" Yankovic doing such during a May 29th, 2018 show at the Moore Theater in Seattle (find it on YouTube, it's hilarious). I may do a few more of these 'interludes' depending on my mood, since there were four total during ****_Freakazoid's _****original run. Plus, I've found it's fun to drop a random EVA character into something unexpected like this.**


	8. Episode 7

**Announcer: "The following chapter of "Super-Wackos of EVA: NERV Freaks Out" is dedicated to anyone who's ever fallen in love."**

**-X-**

**"This chapter is also dedicated to the men and women of Willammette University, whose tireless efforts to create a real-life race of sentient transforming robotic lifeforms continues undaunted."**

**-X-**

**"This chapter is also dedicated to Mrs. Ashley Huggbees of Fullers Earth, Arizona, because we like saying the word "Huggbees". Go ahead, try it. Huggbees."**

Audience in the stands from a typical episode of _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ (stock footage): "Huggbees!"

Announcer from _Dragonball Z_: "Huggbees!"

Giant Robo (stock footage): "HUGG-BEES."

_Tenchi Muyo's_ Sasami (stock footage): "Robot!"

**-X-**

**Announcer: "And now, the next chapter of our story."**

**Episode 6 - TWO Matters of (Young) Love, Part 1**

Kensuke knew he was going to get an earful at lunch today, but of course it still almost caught him off-guard. He had the feeling she'd be in the kind of mood she was in right now. She, of course, referring to Asuka.

At lunch that day, the Second Child, for a few minutes, launched into a bit of a tirade when asked about what happened a couple of nights ago. When Shinji attempted to recount the incident, Asuka immediately cut in with her griping. Thankfully, she didn't rant over Freakazoid defeating the Angel, since after finding out the extent of the threat as soon as things were being put back to normal, she'd realized there really wasn't anything any one of the pilots could have done to stop it.

_She always like this when she hasn't beaten an Angel?_ Freakazoid asked.

_Oh yeah,_ Kensuke replied mentally. _Should've seen what happened when she and Shinji didn't do so hot against the 7th Angel the first time._

"Now, if the Angel'd actually been a nice, Godzilla-sized thing..." she was saying.

"No offense, Asuka, but we get it," Hikari said, "let's just be glad that the Angel was dealt with, otherwise none of us would be here having this conversation."

"...Good point," the redhead said, reluctantly taking in her best friend's words. "Still, we definitely confirmed one other thing that evening. Not only has Ayanami _finally_ discovered boys, turns out she has a type." The then narrowed her eyes at Rei. "The weird ones."

Rei, upon hearing this, gave Asuka the stink-eye, another first for the fittingly-designated First Child.

"Freakazoid is NOT weird," Rei asserted, adding to the tally of firsts with that act. "He is merely what one would call eccentric."

Asuka rolled her eyes at that response. _"Wundergirl,_ Prince was eccentric, Albert Einstein was eccentric. Freakazoid is totally..."

_Oh no,_ Freakazoid groaned to Kensuke's surprise, _don'tsayitdon'tsayitdon'tsayit-!_

"...Wacko!" Asuka finished. _Too late-!_ Freakazoid said as he face-palmed.

"No, I'M Wakko!" said an unseen voice, whose owner then appeared, revealed to be one Wakko Warner. The group stared wide-eyed at the cartoony, blue-shirted, backwards cap-wearing newcomer as he began to do a bit of a jig while a fiddle started playing. Wakko himself then began to sing:

**_"Baton Rouge, Louisiana, _**

**_Indianapolis, Indiana,_**

**_And Columbus is the capitol of O-hi-"_**

"HEY!" Freakazoid got out as he cut off Wakko before he could go further. At that moment, Freakazoid took the middle Warner sibling aside.

"Wakko, what're you doing here?" Freakazoid asked. "I thought you and the others were doing a crossover with _FLCL_ right now."

"Oh, we are," Wakko explained. "But we're on a break from shooting, so I thought I'd pop by and see how you were. Come ta think of it, didn't Pinky and the Brain do a crossover with this show?"

"We did, actually," a new voice answered, as Freakazoid and Wakko looked down to see the white-furred, big-headed lab mouse known as the Brain having joined them. "The fan fiction author Grey11893 started a story that cast us as part of a series of assets from ACME Labs acquired by NERV. The story itself was part of a challenge set up by his fellow writer EastWOLF; unfortunately, he only wrote one chapter back in 2011 and hasn't returned to it since. A shame really, there was a lot of potential in that plot..."

"Sorry to hear that," Freakazoid apologized sympathetically, "sadly the internet's littered with who knows how many discontinued fan fiction stories." Another thought then popped in his head at that moment. "Either of you know what's going on with the folks from _Tiny Toon Adventures_?"

"To the best of my knowledge, they are currently in the middle of a crossover story with _Gurren Lagaan_," the Brain answered.

"Huh, good to know someone's doing something with them," Freakazoid said.

"Wish I could say the same for our pals from _Road Rovers_, _Histeria!_ and _Toonsylvania_," Wakko added. "They don't seem to get as much love as we do."

"I'm with ya on that," Freakazoid replied. "Hey, wish I could stay and catch up a bit more, but I'm kinda in the middle of an important chapter here."

"No problemo," Wakko said with a small hand wave, "we'll get out of your hair. Buh-bye!" With that he hopped off-screen to the left.

"As you were," the Brain said before departing in the opposite direction. With that, Freakazoid refocused the scene back to the pilots and their friends, who'd each been doing something while the conversation took place, with Mayumi reading a book, Hikari and Asuka leafing through a magazine, Rei doing tricks with a yo-yo, Shinji doing a crossword puzzle, and Toji playing a handheld video game.

"*AHEM*" Kensuke cleared his throat, snapping the others out of their reverie.

"Oh, uh, where were we?" Asuka asked confusedly. Rei then showed her where in the scene to proceed on the script she was holding. "Oh yeah, got it. *AHEM* Point is, Freakazoid's clearly got more than a few screws loose. But I guess that's what you like about him-unless there's something else that makes your heart go a-flutter?"

At this, Rei blushed, something Shinji had only seen once before Asuka had arrived in Japan.

"Well...he is...he is a very humorous individual," the bluehead managed to come up with.

"I guess you could say he is," Hikari said, "if you're into Python-esque comedy." The others stared at her curiously on hearing that. Hikari looked at them before she elaborated sheepishly. "We get BBC at my house, so my family and I have watched a lot of _Flying Circus_ reruns, heh-heh..."

"AH," the others said with understanding.

"I hear ya," Toji said, "my folks were big into _Fawlty Towers_ when they were dating."

"I'm more of a _Kids in the Hall_ girl myself," Mayumi admitted.

"All talk of British television comedy aside," Rei interjected, "there is an important favor I have to ask of Horaki and, reluctantly, you, Sohryu."

"Really," Asuka said with a touch of sarcasm. "And what's that?"

"...I would like you two to take me shopping at the mall tomorrow," the First Child replied. "I...wish to update and expand my wardrobe, and you are more qualified in this sort of matter than I am."

Both Hikari and Asuka were floored by what Rei was asking of them. No wonder, considering this was yet another notch in the tableau of Rei's 'firsts'. The two girls looked at each other, speechless, before turning back to their blue-tressed companion.

"Any particular reason why?" Asuka asked with a hint of suspicion.

"In the off-chance that Freakazoid next appears, I would like to show him that there is more to me than just the image of the schoolgirl-next-door," Rei replied. "To that end, I am very limited in my knowledge of the fashionable arts, hence my reliance upon you and Horaki."

Asuka's eyebrow rose again. "I don't know-"

"Of course we'd be happy to help you!" Hikari interjected, much to Asuka's surprise. "And tomorrow, you said? Perfect!"

Asuka, at that moment, felt slightly betrayed. "Hikari, just WHY the sudden interest...?"

"*SIGH* Ayanami's request couldn't have come at a better time for me," the class rep replied. "You know my big sister Kodama? She was begging me to try and get you to go on a date with this guy friend of hers that same day, and knowing you, I REALLY didn't want to do it. Now I've got the perfect excuse to back out!" She then turned back to Rei. "Ayanami, we're all yours tomorrow! And Asuka, believe me, you wouldn't have wanted to meet this guy anyway, he's a total bore AND a snob."

Asuka looked at her best friend with a dumbfounded expression. "Gee, thanks, I guess..." she said with a sigh. "Ah well, a bit of retail therapy never hurt."

"Thank you," Rei said.

"PLUS, we've got our own squad of pack mules right here," Asuka added, playfully eyeing Shinji, Toji, and Kensuke. The trio of boys began to look visibly worried.

"Not good," Kensuke uttered in a small voice.

Toji quickly got out a little notebook from behind his back and began fervently flipping through it. "Come on...come on..." the jock muttered to himself. "Dangit! Nothing planned!" Both Asuka and Hikari giggled at seeing this.

"I, uh, actually have to be somewhere tomorrow," Shinji said, his face becoming a bit more somber.

"Oh? And where's that?" Asuka asked with a smirk.

"...The cemetery in Tokyo-2," Shinji replied. "Tomorrow's the anniversary of my mother's...passing."

Asuka's smirk fell as a look of sad sympathy took its place, a facial sentiment echoed by the others.

"I...I'm sorry," said Asuka, a first for the redhead. The others followed suit with their own apologies. Though they didn't know it, Shinji's words had hit a bit close to home for Asuka.

"Th-thank you," Shinji replied.

Hikari then chose that moment to shift the mood. "Say Mayumi-why don't you join us too?" she asked the bookworm. Mayumi looked back at her with surprise.

"R-really? You want me to come along?" she asked.

"Of course! I think it'd be good to get your nose out of a book for a bit," the class rep explained. "And it'd be nice to have a third opinion while we help Rei pick her outfits."

Mayumi gave it a thought for a moment, and then nodded her head. "I'll be glad to come with you."

"Then it's settled!" Hikari declared. "Tomorrow, we take Rei on a shopping trip she'll never forget."

**NERV HQ, testing Lab, later that afternoon...**

While the pilots were engaged in their sync test, a couple of observers were engaged in a bit of idle chit-chat over their own plans for tomorrow.

"So, what're you wearing tomorrow?" Ritsuko asked.

Misato seemed to draw a blank for a moment before realizing what her friend was referring to.

"Oh yeah, to the wedding?" she replied. "Well, already wore the pink suit to Kiyomi's, and even then I thought it felt too 'Jackie O.'. The dark blue dress already had a go at Kotoko's, so that just leaves..."

"The orange one?" Ritsuko finished. "That hasn't been out of the closet for a while."

"Uh, yeah, there's a reason for that," Misato said.

"Too tight?" Ritsuko asked with a small chuckle.

"*HUFF* Yes, regrettably..." Misato reluctantly answered, "and also, it's the same shade as circus peanuts. Much as I love that candy, I _really_ don't want people to make the association."

"So part of another paycheck's getting sacrificed to the gods of commerce?" Ritsuko implied.

"Looks like it," Misato replied.

"I hear that," Ritsuko said. Considering that they had been going to so many weddings of their friends and peers, of course things like outfits and gifts would get expensive. Then again, to them it seemed like everyone under thirty was in a rush to get married these days.

Off to the side, Maya was chatting with another female tech next to her, somewhat inspired by the conversation that her sempai and Misato were having.

"Say Shizuko, how come you haven't taken the plunge yet?" she asked.

"It's because I like tacos too much," her bespectacled co-worker replied.

"You could be married, and still eat a lot of tacos," Maya said.

Shizuko paused and looked up for a moment, as if something about Maya's words made perfect sense.

"I didn't know that," the tech replied.

Back on Misato and Ritsuko's side of things, the conversation changed as they turned their focus on Shinji.

"I noticed that Shinji looks more down than usual today," the scientist said.

"*SIGH* It's because of what he's doing tomorrow afternoon," Misato responded.

Ritsuko seemed puzzled at first, until realizing what she'd implied. "OH, right...I can see why he'd feel that way..."

Speaking of the Third Child, once the test had concluded and the pilots had gotten showered and changed, Shinji found himself sharing an elevator with Rei as they headed back up to the surface, Asuka having left ahead of them.

"You're really serious about this whole shopping trip, aren't you?" Shinji asked her.

"Yes," the First Child replied. "I do not know why, but something about Freakazoid has opened the door to many a feeling I had cast aside for so long. It has been an...interesting experience, to say the least."

"W-well, puberty does do that to us," Shinji sheepishly said, as this wasn't exactly a topic that came naturally to him. "Still, it'll be nice for you to hang out with the others. I just feel a bit sorry for Kensuke and Toji, since they'll be doing all the heavy lifting for you. And..." Shinji paused as he carefully thought about his next words, "I've always kind of wondered how you'd look in something other than a plugsuit or a school uniform."

Rei looked at him curiously. "Really?"

Shinji nodded. "Though I guess I'm one to talk," he added self-deprecatingly. "All I can say is, trust in the girls. I'm sure you'll learn a lot from them."

Rei gave Shinji a small smile. "Thank you. I will."

**Misato's apartment, that evening...**

Asuka lay on a cushion upside-down, channel-surfing with Pen-Pen the penguin, himself laying on his side. The two were watching some tacky soap-opera while she munched on some chips. Shinji was in his room, out of sight. At that moment, Misato, a new purchase in-arm, walked through the front door.

"I'm home!" she called out.

"Welcome home," the redhead said. Her eyes then fell upon the bundle in Misato's hands. "Heh, another wedding coming up?"

"Yeah, yeah," her guardian replied, not taking the bait. "Me and Rits are going tomorrow. I know Shinji's already got something going on, so where's that leave you?"

"Me, Hikari, and Mayumi are taking the First shopping tomorrow," she said. "She wants to move beyond 'schoolgirl chic' to impress Freakazoid."

Hearing this surprised Misato enough that she nearly dropped her new dress on the floor.

"That's...really unlike Rei," she commented. "Then again, ever since the guy came to town, life's been full of little surprises, hasn't it?"

"I'll say," Asuka replied.

"Shinji in?" Misato asked.

"Yeah, he's just working on homework in his room," Asuka affirmed. "I don't get it-if he doesn't want to see his father, why doesn't he just not go? Or at least say so, for that matter?"

"He's got his reasons," Misato replied. "What they are, I don't entirely know. But I won't press him. I'll respect his privacy for that."

"Yeah, I guess," Asuka said. A part of her had been thinking about Shinji's mood when his plans for tomorrow became known. Once again, at that moment she felt some sort of familiarity with the Third Child, considering her own past.

"Oh yeah, since it looks like you've got quite the shopping trip tomorrow," Misato started to say to Asuka as she changed into her at-home clothes, "I've got a little something to help you guys. Trust me, it's worked wonders whenever I've done my rounds at the mall."

"What is it?" Asuka asked. She was answered when a little notebook was tossed into her hands by Misato. She curiously looked over it. Scribbled on the front cover was _Misato's Handy Haggling Handbook_. Asuka's eyes went wide with surprise.

"You're a haggler?" she wondered.

"How else do you think I got my car when it was new?" Misato replied. Misato then made her way to Shinji's door and knocked on it. Shinji was lying back on his bed, thinking back to the day when his father had left him alone at the train station and never looked back.

"Shinji? You okay?" Misato asked her ward. Silence greeted her. "*SIGH* I'm just gonna open the door a crack. That sound fine?" She heard a slight grunt. She then cracked the door open a bit, letting in some light from the hallway. Shinji merely turned into his side. "Shinji, are you having second thoughts? About facing your dad?...Look, he won't take the first step, that's on you. If you want things to change, you'll need to take it into your own hands. So instead of running from him, make the first move, and keep going. You might realize someday that first step was all it took."

"I know, I know..." Shinji softly replied.

"...At least do it for your mom's sake, considering the occasion," Misato urged. "Can you at least try it that way?"

This gave Shinji pause. After a few moments where not a word was spoken, he finally said something.

"...I'll try, Misato."

Misato smiled a bit at hearing that. "That's all I ask. Thank you. Good night, Shinji." She then closed the door and went to hang up her new dress.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note**  
Here we have the build-up to the mushy stuff to come in part 2. Sorry for the lack of Freaka-hijinks, but considering the point in the EVA story I'm covering, you'll understand.**

**The chapter's title (and that of part 2) is a riff on the season two Freakazoid episode "A Matter of Love". The opening bit with the announcer and 'Huggbees' also comes from that same episode.**

**Misato's circus peanuts comment is a nod to issue #35 of the ****_Animaniacs _****comic book, the only time Freakazoid ever appeared in the medium. In the story, Cosgrove is seen eating a bag of the marshmallow-based candy while he and Freakazoid are on a WB studio tour.**

**Shizuko, the tech Maya talks with, is based on Shizuko Kaga, a supporting character from an anime/manga series that's become a guilty pleasure of mine, ****_Maid-Sama!. _****The talk between them is based on a conversation between Freakazoid and Cosgrove in a season one episode (whose name escapes me), where the former asked the latter why he didn't get married. ("'Cause I like meat too much.") That gag of course was one of many patented 'getting past the radar'-type jokes the 'Steven Spielberg Presents' shows nicely specialized in.**

**Freakazoid, Wakko, and Brain's interaction is a spiritual follow-up to their meeting in the season two episode "The Freakazoid", where they break from the episode for a moment to argue over which of their shows is Spielberg's favorite. (The shout-out to some of the lesser-known shows from that time period was all me.) It's one of my all-time favorite fourth wall-breaking jokes, and I decided to replicate that magic with the omake that follows. (With some added elements from the ****_Justice League Action _****short titled "Missing the Mark".)**

**Speaking of, now for some fun! Let me put it to you this way: what do the initial English dubs of ****_Evangelion, Martian Successor Nadesico, Chrono Crusade, _****and ****_Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagaan _****all have in common?**

_OMAKE 4 - Taking Meta Humor for Grant-ed_

Evangelion Unit-02 was in the middle of a brawl with an Angel in an abandoned part of the city. The creature had a gorilla-like stature but fought like a bear. Asuka was giving it all she had against the monster, and landed a couple of staggering blows that sent it backward.

"Perfect!" she said. "Time to finish the job...". She then triggered the release of the progressive knife from her left pauldron and got ready to move in for the finisher, only for the beast to be pelted further back by gunfire coming from a red Aestivalis mech that darted into view, the theme song of _Gekiganger III_ blasting out of its speakers.

"YEAH! Bullseye!" Ryoko Subaru cheered, before an annoyed look appeared on her face when she noticed the music playing. "*HHHH* Dangit Hikaru, you just HAD to leave your CD in my mecha...".

"HEY!" an irate Asuka barked as her comm-screen appeared suddenly in Ryoko's cockpit, which caused the music to pause. "YOU, OUTSIDE, RIGHT NOW."

A few minutes later, the two red-clad mecha pilots were standing on the roof of a nearby building. Their respective rides were leaning against it, in 'park'.

"Ryoko, what the heck are you doing here?" Asuka demanded of the aqua-haired pilot. "I was in the middle of something when you barged in!"

Ryoko merely shrugged her shoulders as she answered. "Geez, don't blow your lid, kid-they told me this kind of thing worked for Mark Hamill. Besides, when it comes to Tiffany Grant's filmography, you may get the spotlight a lot, but I happen to be her favorite character."

Asuka, arms folded, arched a skeptical left eyebrow. "Oh really? Well, hate to burst your bubble, sister, but last I checked, I'M her favorite character." She then got out a stapled packet of paper from behind her back and smugly held it up. "The autograph sales figures don't lie."

The two then heard the sound of a throat being cleared. "Sorry girls, but you're both clearly mistaken," the owner of said throat challenged. Asuka and Ryoko then turned to see Yoko Littner having just joined them.

"If there's any character on Tiffany's filmography that you know she's considered her favorite, it's gotta be me," she claimed. "I'm well-rounded, have a great character arc, and my show's an enormous hit with binge-watchers. The streaming numbers alone'll vouch for me."

"Oh, don't be absurd," a Germanic voice sounded as the trio found themselves joined by the fabulously-garbed presence of Satella Harvenheit. "Clearly I'm Miss Grant's favorite role. I'm sophisticated and worldly, and you'd be surprised how many people love a good cult hit, vhich my show definitely qualifies as."

"All right, there's only one way we're gonna settle this..." Asuka said in a challenging tone.

Moments later, the four of them were arguing in a conference room at a recording studio in Houston, Texas. It was pretty heated in there.

Asuka: "Like you've got a compelling story, you witchy caricature-"

Satella: "Oh yeah?! Vell I'm more German than you, you pee-vee-"

Asuka: "OH, pee-wee, am I? Well you just-"

Ryoko: "I mean really, who fights in a bikini with an enormous rifle that you shouldn't even be able to pick up-"

Yoko: "Says the girl who fought a bunch of enemies while piloting her mech suit in only her dainties-"

Their arguing ground to a halt when a sharp whistle sounded from the doorway to the conference room. Standing there was the very person they'd come to see: veteran voice actress Tiffany Grant.

"All right, all right, settle down, ladies," she said. "Now what's this all about?"

Yoko stepped forward to speak on behalf of the quartet.

"Tiffany! Hi! So glad you could meet us," she greeted. "Now, we know you're busy and all that, but we-"

"Just ask her already, sheesh!" Asuka impatiently barked. Yoko briefly gave her the stink-eye before turning back to Tiffany.

"We're just wondering, who's your favorite?" she asked. All four then grinned at Tiffany expectantly, awaiting her answer.

Tiffany just stared at the four of them, slightly confused. Finally, she responded.

"Um...who are you people again?" she asked. The quartet's grins fell, replaced by surprised expressions on their faces.

Right there and then, a white-gloved hand reached out from underneath what turned out to be a retractable screen and tugged on its cord, making it zip upwards. Standing there in a recording booth (in a hybrid animated/live-action sequence) was Freakazoid and Tiffany, the latter in front of a microphone with a pair of headphones around her neck, and a script in her hand.

"Give it up for the wonderful Tiffany Grant, everybody!" Freakazoid exclaimed, his hands 'presenting' Tiffany, who smiled and waved at the unseen audience that was applauding.

***Disclaimer: I own nothing of the late Xebec, Inc. and Gonzo K.K.***


	9. Episode 8

**Announcer: "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stay tuned."**

[The sound of crashing noises are heard.]

Ritsuko: "LOOK OUT! Quick, get it back up! Hurry!"

Maya: "Yes, sempai! Right away, sempai!"

**Announcer [slightly garbled]: "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stay tuned."**

Misato: "...Are we all clear?...*WHEW!* Okay, we're all clear. Shinji, hit the red button.

[Sounds of a button being pressed are heard.]

Ritsuko: "NO, NOT THAT BUTTON!"

[Sounds of alarms blaring, people panicking, and utter chaos are heard.]

Asuka [angry]: "SHINJI NO BAKA!"

Shinji [apologetic]: "SORRY!"

**Announcer: "And now, part 2!"**

**Episode 7 - TWO Matters of (Young) Love, Part 2**

**The Katsuragi apartment, the following late morning...**

For the three (four if you counted Pen-Pen) occupants of the apartment, today was going to be something of an ordinary day, barring the fact that two of them had somewhere to go in order to commemorate a certain occasion. Misato was all dressed up for the wedding she and Ritsuko were attending, while Shinji, dressed in his usual casual wear (which sometimes doubled as his school uniform), had some time to kill before he took the train to Tokyo-2 to head to the cemetery. Asuka was probably the most casually-dressed, given that she was going to be at the mall most of the day. Still, Shinji saw his two roommates off.

"Huh, is that Rei down there?" he wondered, pointing to the familiar mop of blue hair that could be seen even from their high floor.

"Well, gotta give her this, she does know a thing or two of timeliness," Asuka begrudgingly commented.

"From what I've heard from Rits, apparently Rei's got her own 'inner clock' well-programmed," Misato added. "Comes with the way she was raised."

"No kidding," Asuka said. With that, she and Misato said their goodbyes to Shinji as they left for their respective destinations. Shinji, after doing a bit of cleaning up, then left himself, leaving Pen-Pen as the bird of the house for most of the day. As soon as all his human housemates had left, with Shinji shutting the door, Pen-Pen looked from side-to-side to check if the coast was clear. He then slipped out a pair of sunglasses and put them on, and then casually waddled over to the stereo system, where he promptly inserted a certain CD and pressed 'play', quickly ducking to the hallway entrance and grabbing a small hair brush. As soon as a familiar piano refrain started playing, Pen-Pen slid backwards into the living room, before launching into quite the lip- (or rather, beak-) syncing showstopper:

_**Just take those old records from the shelf!**_

_**I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself.**_

_**Today's music ain't got the same soul!**_

_**I like that old time rock n' roll!**_

**Tokyo-3 Shopping Complex, a few minutes later...**

Asuka and Rei, having caught a bus earlier, were now walking towards the front entrance to the enormous shopping center. Soon they caught sight of the other people joining them for the endeavor to come, with Hikari beaming with excitement, Mayumi looking a bit nervous, and Toji and Kensuke bracing for what they saw as something of a death march. As soon as they convened, Asuka took a deep sniff of the air outside.

"Aaaaahhh, I love the smell of commerce in the late morning," she paraphrased. "Smells like...possibilities."

**-X-**

Somewhere in America at that same moment, Robert Duvall sneezed all of a sudden. He scratched his head, wondering why when he wasn't anywhere near any dust or pollen.

**-X-**

Toji eyed Rei for a moment, finger on his chin, before he voiced his thoughts.

"Yo, why're you wearin' your uniform?" the jock asked. "It's the weekend! Don't ya have anythin' more relaxed or somethin'?"

"As I informed Sohryu earlier," the First Child replied, "My wardrobe to date has been very limited in its variety. Therefore, before we begin to cover ground in any part of the mall, she and Horaki will help me pick out an outfit to wear for the rest of our time here."

Toji and Kensuke stared at her, then at each other, then back at her, dumbfounded.

"Wait wait wait," Kensuke started to say in an all-too-male tone of confusion. "You're saying we first need to take you shopping...to go shopping?"

"Basically," Hikari answered with a shrug.

"I don't-I can't even..." Kensuke started to babble, before being stopped by Freakazoid. _Pull the brakes there, Kensuke, it won't do you any good. The ways of the lady are, and always will be, mysterious to us._

"She _is_ right," Mayumi added. "I may not do a lot of shopping myself, but even I know that it's just not done unless you're looking good while doing it."

"...Oh-kay..." Toji said while scratching his head. "Uh...why don't we go inside then?"

"Smartest thing I've heard you say so far," Asuka said sarcastically, causing Hikari to sigh while shaking her head. With that, the sextet entered the mall through the main doors and immediately headed to a small store to get Rei's weekend look in order. On the way, they passed by a trio of lovely nurses, still in their scrubs, on break. Toji and Kensuke's eyes immediately followed them. Once they were far from audio range, the two of them, grinning, said two words-or tried to:

"Helloooooooo, nur-ACK!"

"BOYS! Focus!" Hikari ordered, her hands having been the ones that grabbed them by the collars. "We're here for Ayanami, don't you forget!"

"Yes, ma'am," the boys groaned out. At that moment, something else caught Kensuke's attention, this time instilling him with worry.

"Oh, crud," he said as he waved for them to get moving, "quick, everyone into the store!"

_Good instincts, kid,_ Freakazoid commented.

Unsure of why he was acting this way, the rest of them complied and quickly dashed into the store, where they peered from around the doorway. Soon, they could see why he was warning them, as they witnessed one mall-goer fall prey to the bane of shoppers everywhere:

Survey ladies.

The poor guy had been walking along when he was suddenly approached by a couple of middle-aged women holding clipboards and pens.

"Would you like to take a survey?" they both asked in vaguely-midwestern-sounding accents.

The guy couldn't get out a single "Uh..." fast enough, as they soon started peppering him with questions:

"Do you eat red bean curry?"

"Would you see a new _One Piece_ movie?"

"Do you eat red bean curry while watching or reading _One Piece_?"

"Would you like to see red bean curry eaten in a new _One Piece_ movie?"

"Do you eat red bean curry while at a _One Piece_ movie?"

The sextet looked on for a few more minutes, slightly awestruck by how quickly the guy was buckling under all that boredom.

"He's gonna be there for a while, isn't he?" Toji asked.

"Looks like it," Mayumi said.

"Aida, I hate to say it, but I now owe you one, big time," Asuka admitted.

"As do I," Rei added. "Contrary to popular belief, even my level of patience has its limits."

With that, they turned back into the store proper, where Asuka, Hikari and Mayumi began helping Rei with her new mall outfit. After ten minutes, they'd managed to get her clothed in a basic t-shirt, some jeans, and a pair of casual shoes, her uniform packed into the shopping bag those new clothes would've been packed in.

The sextet then covered more ground throughout the mall for the next hour or so, as Kensuke and Toji found themselves left holding the bag(s). Finally, they broke for a little lunch in the food court. Toji and Hikari opted to walk up to the burger stand while the rest waited for their turns at getting food.

"Hey, Noriko!" Toji greeted the cashier.

"How's it hangin' Toji?" she replied.

"Been fine," he answered.

"You know her?" Hikari asked curiously.

"She used to baby-sit me and Sakura when we were little," the jock responded.

"The usual?" Noriko inquired.

"Yep," Toji answered, "one double Chubby Boy. And who's on the fryer today?"

"I think it's Goro," the cashier answered.

"Oh yeah, he's good," Toji noted. "Anyway, some fries too. Oh, and an orange Bing!"

**The wedding, early afternoon...**

The ceremony had been beautiful, and now the reception was on, with the happy couple going around greeting their guests, be they family or friends. Misato and Ritsuko observed this from their table, with one particular place still unoccupied.

"Huh, Ryoji's late," Ritsuko noted.

"MEH," Misato replied with no small amount of apathy. "That idiot's never been on-time in his entire life."

"For your dates?" Ritsuko asked, one eyebrow raised with skepticism. "He's always on-time for work."

"Someone say my name?" Ryoji Kaji asked as he walked towards the two of them, his trademark sloppy grin on his face. "Sorry I'm late, couldn't get off work in time. My, don't you two look even more beautiful today."

"Oh, like you're not puttering around the office all the time," Misato said with a roll of her eyes. "Also, not that I care, but couldn't you have done something about your stubble for once? And that tie of yours-for Pete's sake, it's crooked!" Then, to Kaji's surprise, she went about readjusting his necktie.

"Well...thank you," he said.

"Huh, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you two were already married," Ritsuko playfully said.

"Definitely like the sound of that," Kaji said.

"Yeah, right," Misato scoffed, "the day I take him is when a Michael Bay movie wins an Oscar."

"On another note, sorry I missed all the fun at HQ the other day," Kaji said. "A little birdie told me all about it. Freakazoid sounds like quite the character-and it looks like security's gonna need to be beefed up a bit, am I right?"

"Yeah, funny how that is," Misato responded. "Well, personally, I'm just glad we made it out of that fight in one piece. (And how he made a monkey out of that oaf Chiron. *Chuckle*) Guess I can call Freakazoid the best thing to happen to this city in a while."

"I'll say," Ritsuko added, "thanks to him, we didn't need to repair and restore the MAGI too much. Now if only there was a way I could study him and his powers..."

Before Ritsuko could finish her thought, the trio was then approached by the newlyweds. "Hey guys! So glad you could make it!" the bride greeted them as they got up.

"Kotono! That was such a lovely ceremony, you looked so beautiful up there," Misato said as she took her hand for a moment.

"You've made quite the catch, Koichi," Kaji congratulated as he shook the groom's hand. "Take good care of her, man."

Soon one of the wedding photographers happened by the five of them, camera at the ready.

"All right people, smile!" she implored. "Say 'huggbees'!"

"Huggbees!" the quintet said as the camera's flash went off.

**Rei's apartment block, mid-afternoon...**

The sextet had long finished their shopping trip and were now escorting Rei home. Toji and Kensuke looked positively winded as they carried all of the new purchases made for Rei while the girls chatted with her about how best to coordinate when it came to the new additions to her wardrobe.

"And finally, whatever you do," Asuka began to say, "NEVER mix floral with plaid-that alone is unforgivable..." Before the Second Child could continue further, they'd made it to Rei's building. To say that they were absolutely shocked by the structure's decrepit and decayed condition was an understatement.

Mayumi: "What the-?!"

Hikari: "Goodness-!"

Kensuke [jaw hanging open]: "Huh-WHA-?!"

Freakazoid: _HOLY GOOD GRAVY!_

Toji [having been there once before with Shinji]: "I warned you guys..."

Asuka [doing a double-take at Rei]: "...Ayanami-THIS is where you live?!"

"Yes," Rei replied. "You all seem to be uncomfortable with this fact."

Aside from Toji, the others did their own wide-eyed double-takes from the building to Rei.

"Uncomfortable?" an aghast Hikari asked. "UNCOMFORTABLE?!"

"Question," Mayumi began to say, "WHY do you live here?"

Rei looked at the bookworm, as if confused by her question. "Because it is where I was assigned to live," she answered.

Everyone else blinked in confusion from hearing that.

"So WHY didn't you move somewhere else?!" Kensuke asked.

"For what reason?" Rei asked in turn. "It has a bed to sleep in, among the basic necessities."

"Reason? REASON?!" Asuka demanded. "This...this place is a...forget dump, it's a flippin' disaster area! It's like a reject from the set of _Escape from New York_!"

"Asuka's right," Hikari said, "this place seriously can't be safe or healthy to live in! Ayanami, a home is more, MUCH more than just four walls, a bed and a bath. There's just something...beyond all that!"

Freakazoid turned our way after Hikari said her piece. "How's that for a funny line? Huh? Huh?" he asked.

"Yeah, Ayanami," Kensuke chimed in, "I mean this place is so terrible, not even Hedorah the smog monster would live here!"

"On that you are quite right, young man," an unseen voice responded in a British-sounding accent. The sextet turned to surprisingly see that same smog monster standing right next to them, looking over the building with a discerning red eye. They were also surprised by the fact that the longtime Godzilla foe was wearing a bowler hat, a white starched collar, a pair of small round glasses, and a yellow necktie. "Seriously though, no doubt this place should be condemned," Hedorah continued, his 'fingers' holding his 'chin'. "There's serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members; the wiring is substandard, making it completely inadequate for one's power needs; and the rest of this neighborhood is almost like a demilitarized zone."

Eyeing the small observers (and their curious stares) next to him, Hedorah elaborated on what he'd just said.

"I'm a real estate developer these days, you see," he said as he turned to head on his way in the opposite direction. "I'm going to have a serious word with City Hall about all this..."

Reluctantly, the six got into the rickety elevator and were soon at Rei's apartment. The sight of it shocked all but Rei and Toji even more.

"Okay, this is one case where the book is just as bad as its cover," Mayumi said.

"I do not understand," Rei responded.

"Ayanami, it's...how do I put this?" Hikari wondered, trying to find the words. "A home's supposed to reflect your personality, give you a place to find comfort and refuge. To relax and enjoy yourself, just for enjoyment's sake when appropriate."

Kensuke then took note of the pile of envelopes on one spot on the floor. "Don't you even check your mail?" he asked. "Seriously, Ayanami, who the heck's forcing you to live here?!"

"Just WHY are you living in all this...this filth?!" Asuka demanded. This in turn made Rei blush slightly, mainly since she was feeling uneasy under the heated glare of Asuka.

"I..." Rei quietly began to explain, "I was assigned this apartment after I began living by myself. Commander Ikari was responsible for it."

Asuka let out a slight snarl before she spoke with a growl. "Well then, I'm gonna have quite the conversation with him at some point soon."

Hikari then looked at Toji concernedly. "Suzuhara, you and Shinji were here before-did you know she was living like this?"

"Uh, yeah," Toji sheepishly admitted. "But what could we do? This was way over our heads."

Rei felt her face grow red again. Seeing her classmates react to her living conditions she didn't understand, but somehow she felt...grateful? Yes, grateful for their concern. Clearly there was some sign that they did care about her in a way.

"I...am sorry for all of this," she apologized. "I never meant to offend you all."

Asuka held up a hand as she hissed her breath for a moment. "First, DON'T apologize, this wasn't your fault at all. We'll sort this out later, I'm positive we can get you moved somewhere MILES better than this heap..." Eyeing Rei's open closet, she was stunned to see nothing but five identical school uniforms hanging within. "Ayanami, just _where_ are your other clothes?"

"Those are my other clothes," Rei answered as she pointed to them. Once again, her classmates-friends?-were shocked. Asuka, however, was completely peeved. Instinctively sensing this, Hikari and the others took a step back.

"You're telling me..." Asuka began, "that up till now, the only clothes you have to your name...are half a dozen school uniforms and fifty pairs of white underwear?"

"Begging your pardon," Rei briefly interjected, "but some of those pairs are mauve."

This just made Asuka give herself a frustrated face-palm.

"Ayanami...no, _Rei_," Asuka said with a strange calm, her hands on Rei's shoulders. "Answer me this-was today the first time in your life where you've seriously gone shopping?"

"Well...," the First child started to offer, "aside from the occasional limited supplies should I need them, yes."

Asuka's eyebrow continued its angry twitching. "Right...so, who's been looking after you as your guardian all this time?"

"Commander Ikari," Rei answered.

"Thought as much..." Asuka responded with her continued icy calm. "NOW I'm starting to see why Shinji doesn't think too fondly of 'daddy dearest'...oh yes, we're DEFINITELY gonna have words with him soon..."

"He is currently in Tokyo-2 at this time," Rei informed her.

"All right, the _Vice_-Commander then," Asuka said, without being dissuaded. "We may have our differences, but there is NO WAY that an Evangelion pilot-one of the major protectors of humanity-is going to continue living in a place that even slobs would find revolting. It'll be simple, once we get HR involved. By the time we're done, you'll be living in a place closer to the Ritz than this pathetic excuse for a pigsty. Especially one that smells like crud vapors!"

The others just stared at Asuka, perplexed by her verbiage just now.

"Uh...'crud vapors'?" Mayumi asked.

"It's what we call poo gas in Europe," Asuka answered, before shaking her head. "Not the point! Rei, keep your new clothes in the bags for now. Hopefully by the time we've gotten this settled, you'll be out of here in a couple of days, best personal estimate. Then, you, me, Hikari and Mayumi will make another trip to the mall to do something about your personal grooming and hygiene situation. Got it?"

"Uh...thank you?" Rei said with confused gratitude.

With that, everyone said their goodbyes and went their separate ways, just as Shinji-who we hadn't seen since the very start of this chapter-was on his way back to the apartment from his own important outing.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
...Did I say part 2 would have all the mushy stuff? I meant part ****_3_****. Sorry! Stay tuned, I should have that coming tomorrow.**

**Much of the mall sequence and the portions at Rei's apartment were my tribute to/satirizing of Crazy-88's "Once More with Feeling" and Ranma-sensei's "Coupled Effort". **

**The bit with the English-sounding, well-dressed Hedorah as a real estate developer paraphrasing ****_Ghostbusters _****was all me.**

**Pen-Pen, of course, pulls a Tom Cruise in a riff on ****_Risky Business._**

**Asuka's of course paraphrasing Robert Duvall in ****_Apocalypse Now._**

**The bride and groom are named after Misato and Kaji's respective Japanese voice actors, Kotono Mitsuishi and Kōichi Yamadera.**

**Kensuke and Toji's attempted "Helloooo, nurse!" and the survey ladies are lifted from the season one ****_Animaniacs _****episode "Survey Ladies/Of Nice and Men/What a Dump!".**

**And now, the Freaka-references: The 'technical difficulties' come from season two's "Heroboy"; Toji's lunch order is Cosgrove's from season one's finale "The Wrath of Gutierrez"; and Asuka's crud vapors comment is from season two's "Two Against Freak".**


	10. Episode 9

**Episode 8 - TWO Matters of (Young) Love, Part 3**

It was almost the late afternoon when Shinji finally returned to the apartment. He wouldn't have known it at first, but despite how relatively spotless the place looked, Pen-Pen had hosted quite the party there with some friends and associates that'd managed to get away temporarily from the city zoo. (How an African bull elephant managed to fit in there, and how they managed to cover its tracks, we'll never know.) Still, Shinji, given the heartbreaking time he'd had at the cemetery, needed a reprieve. Listening to his SDAT wouldn't help-no, this time, he had to be the one playing the music. So he went to his room and retrieved the one lone thing he'd inherited from his mother: her cello. After setting up in the living room, he started playing Bach's Cello Suite No. 1, which had the effect of giving him a sense of calm and serenity. Shinji lost himself in the music as he continued to play, his worries and cares forgotten for the moment. Finally, just as he'd finished the piece, he heard the sound of clapping, much to his surprise. He turned around to find that the source of it was Asuka, who'd just returned from Rei's place.

"Not bad, not bad at all," she commented. "Never knew you played."

"I've been playing since I was five," he explained. "This isn't much, though. I really don't consider myself talented."

"Yet you still kept at it," Asuka said. "I'm not impressed easily-which is _a lot_ of the time-and I have to admit, I'm a bit impressed by you."

"Well, I..." he started to say, "I started playing and practicing because my teacher told me to. I could've stopped at any time."

"Why didn't you?" she asked.

"...Honestly? No one told me to stop."

"Should've known..." she muttered to herself on hearing that.

"Oh! How'd shopping with the others go?" he asked, shifting the subject of their conversation.

"All in all?" Asuka replied. "Pretty productive. Even Yamagishi had some good suggestions. And, much as it pains me to say it, your geek friend saved our butts from enduring the yakking of a couple of survey ladies on the ground floor."

"Huh," Shinji responded. "Now there's something I never thought I'd hear you say."

"I know, sometimes I surprise myself," she said. "And then we went with Ayanami back to her place to drop her stuff off..."

Shinji grew surprised at hearing this.

"You saw Ayanami's apartment?" he asked.

"*FEH* More like a wasteland in a single room," she said. "According to Hikari, you and jock-stooge went there once, right?"

"Uh, yeah," Shinji replied. "We were dropping off printouts of the assignments she'd missed."

"**Why** didn't you say anything about how she was essentially living in _squalor_?" Asuka demanded.

"I-I couldn't really do anything about it," he said. "I'd heard that her living arrangements came straight from the top."

"Figures," she muttered quietly. "Well, believe it or not, I spent most of my walk back here on the phone with NERV HR. I've been setting up a meeting with them and the Vice-Commander to see if we can get her moved somewhere more...tolerable. Your father's lucky he was gone for today, AND that he'll be otherwise indisposed for most of next week. 'Cause get me in a room with him, and I'd destroy him in a snap."

Shinji shuddered at the image-no doubt, in a pinch he'd bet on Asuka in a confrontation between her and his father.

"Speaking of," Asuka said as she calmed down a bit. "How'd it go with you today?"

"Well...it was short," he replied. "It wasn't pleasant. Even more so when he told me that he never kept any pictures of my mother. Destroyed them, actually."

"WHAT?" Asuka asked bewildered. "Not even in a locket like in those cheesy Hallmark movies?"

"Not even in his wallet," he said. "Said that he 'keeps everything in his heart'. (Like he even has one.)"

Asuka shook her head. "Shinji, between that and how Ayanami's been living all this time, your dad's clearly not gonna be named 'Father of the Year' anytime soon. I mean really, I don't get why you're so worked up over him leaving you when the only result that can come from him trying to raise a child is Ayanami living in a Soviet-style prison cell." She then made her way to her bedroom to get undressed and take a shower. "Wouldn't be surprised if he twisted the knife further by jumping into the arms of another woman or two..."

**Tezuka's Bistro, Tokyo-3, around that same time...**

The moment Asuka finished saying those words, at the small restaurant where Misato, Kaji and Ritsuko had gone to after the reception for some dinner, the head scientist of NERV sneezed.

"_Geshundteit_," Kaji said.

"You okay, Rits?" Misato asked.

"It's nothing, just a little itch," Ritsuko replied, though secretly she was confused by what just happened.

"Right..." Misato replied as she got up from their table. "I'm gonna go powder my nose." She then headed off to the restroom.

"Aw, don't ditch me now!" Kaji playfully said with a wink. Misato briefly turned to face him, only to stick her tongue out in response. Kaji didn't pay any heed as she continued on, casting his eye on her shoes as she walked.

"High heels..." he said to himself before turning to Ritsuko. "This is nice-I mean, when was the last time the three of us went out together?"

"Almost seems like a lifetime ago," Ritsuko replied.

"Yeah," he said almost longingly. "Back before she started wearing heels and things. Seemed almost unimaginable back then."

"I hear that," she concurred.

"Have to admit," Kaji started to say, "I was kind of a brat too. We weren't really sharing a life-just living together, playing house. The real world wasn't that easy...unless we were watching _The Real World_ on TV, at least then we could just flip channels."

Things were a bit quiet for a couple of minutes before Kaji spoke up again.

"You think she's still mad I roped her into joining me for the 'Hokey Pokey' earlier?" he asked.

"Well..." Ritsuko said as she tried to find the words...

**The reception, an hour or so earlier...**

Kaji and a reluctant Misato were with a small group of guests on the dance floor as the act that'd been hired for the occasion-Mathis Matters, a Johnny Mathis tribute band-played the song in question:

_**You put your head in,**_

_**You put your head out,**_

_**You put your head in,**_

_**and you shake it all about.**_

_**You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around...**_

**Tezuka's Bistro, present time...**

"She'll get over that, at least. I'm positive," Ritsuko finally said.

"Thanks," Kaji said. "And on that note, here." He handed her a small object, which after eyeing for a minute, she took with slight eagerness.

"A limited edition Michelle Pfeiffer Catwoman figurine!" she marveled as she turned it around in her hand. "I've always wanted one for my collection! Where'd you find this?"

"Oh, I know a guy who knows a guy who bought a lot of overstock merchandise when the WB Studio Stores went under," Kaji answered slyly.

"Now I'm more puzzled by why Misato broke up with you," Ritsuko said. "Anyway, thank you. You're very thorough."

"For the ladies, that I am," Kaji said. "For work, I'm 100% sloppy."

"That, I highly doubt," Ritsuko said. "What about for Misato?"

Kaji shrugged. "After losing once, I prefer to pick and choose my battles."

"Don't beat yourself up," Ritsuko said as she continued fiddling with the figurine. "Give it another try. Might work out."

"But enough about me," Kaji segued, "what about you? Anyone special in your life?"

"Eh, it's no fun talking about my personal life," Ritsuko nonchalantly said.

Things went quiet again, until Kaji looked over his chair.

"Katsuragi's sure taking her sweet time," he noted. "Make-up trouble?"

"What were you doing in Kyoto, Kaji?" Ritsuko asked, her tone quietly serious.

Kaji didn't flinch on hearing that. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Ritsuko regarded Kaji warily before she spoke again. "Don't play dumb, Kaji, I'm serious. As your friend, I'm telling you, keep playing with this particular fire, you'll get more than just burned, the more involved you get in this."

Kaji remained unfazed. "Believe me when I say, I _am_ taking this seriously. I know the risk in fanning the flames."

"Well then, should I get you a gallon of aloe?" Misato asked as she rejoined her friends.

"Ah, the lady returns!" Kaji said, his mood cheery again.

"Thought so-you really haven't changed, have you?" Misato noted as she sat back down.

"Of course I have!" Kaji said innocently. "I mean, change is a constant nobody can deny."

"Well, as fun as this all was, I've got to get going," Ritsuko said as she got up and gathered her purse and jacket. "Still have some work to take care of."

"Fun while it lasted..." Kaji said with faux lament.

"See you tomorrow," Misato added as she bid her friend farewell. She then pulled out her cellphone and called the apartment. "Shinji? Hey. Everything all right? Good. Listen, me and Kaji are just finishing up dinner, then we'll probably take the long way home, so don't wait up."

**Misato's apartment, at the same time...**

"I understand," Shinji said on the other line. "Don't worry, we'll be fine. Enjoy the evening. See you." Shinji then hung up the phone.

"Misato?" Asuka asked as she dried her hair with a towel, having finished her shower beforehand.

"Yep," Shinji answered. "She says she and Kaji are taking the long way home, so we shouldn't wait up."

"What, they're not taking a cab?" she asked.

"Well..." he started to say as he looked out the window. "It looks like a nice evening for a walk."

"Typical..." Asuka muttered.

**A large park in Tokyo-3, a few minutes later...**

Kaji and Misato had been walking for a while, with the latter having at some point changed into a small pair of slip-ons, given the distance they were covering. Things had been quiet between the two of them for most of the walk, until finally, Misato spoke up.

"Kaji, do you...do you think I've changed?" Misato asked, a hint of weariness in her voice.

"You've gotten more beautiful," Kaji replied. "Why ask?"

Misato hesitated a bit before she answered, in a more somber tone. She turned and faced Kaji, sadness in her eyes.

"I need to confess," she said. "I'm so, so sorry for insisting on our breakup. When I said I fell for someone else, I...I was lying. Did you know that?"

"No," Kaji replied.

**Announcer: "We interrupt this chapter to increase dramatic tension."**

"DO YOU MIND?!" an irate Misato and Kaji barked at the Announcer.

**"Sorry,"** the Announcer replied, as Misato turned back to Kaji.

"The reason I wanted to break up is because...is because you kept reminding me of my father," she explained. "When I realized that I wanted a guy like he was...I got scared. Really scared. It made me fear everything...I hated my father, but I wound up falling for someone like him. I joined NERV because I wanted to get away from my past, and even then my father worked for its predecessor. All my effort to get back at the Angels-who am I kidding...?"

"Katsuragi, just stop," Kaji said. "You've got nothing to apologize for. You made your choice."

"Some choice," Misato continued miserably, long-buried feelings finally crawling up to the surface, some in the form of tears. "I didn't do a thing! All it's been is me running away...No wonder I was eager to take Shinji in, we're both running from our fathers' shadows...That's what I am: a scared kid...and on top of that, for all I know I've probably been using people to get away. Like you..."

"Katsuragi, just give it a rest!" Kaji said. "Stop doing this to yourself!"

"Listen to him already, sheesh!" a third voice exclaimed. "You're ruining a perfectly good evening for the rest of us."

Jolted out of their reverie by the new voice, Kaji and Misato turned to the source of it, and were highly surprised by its owner.

"What the-Larry David?" Kaji wondered. Sure enough, standing a few feet from them was the co-creator of _Seinfeld_ and _Curb Your Enthusiasm_.

"What're you doing all the way in Japan?" Misato asked, confusion replacing her sorrow for the moment.

"Eh, decided to try what some of the other celebrities do: film a couple of commercials here," the comedian/writer replied.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you guys do that," Misato said while Kaji scratched his head.

"Anyway, I heard what you were saying," he said, "and I just want to give you my two cents: ENOUGH with the decade-old self-pity party! If it's one thing that's a big pet peeve of mine, it's self-pity. THE most disgusting thing in the world. In my house, when my two girls were growing up, we didn't allow any wallowing or moping. I never let anyone in my house feel bad about themselves or get depressed. Either of those, you get no sympathy from me. You feeling sad and blue about something? Go take a shower, quickest stress cure there is. Doesn't work? Just take another one."

Misato and Kaji looked at each other and then back at Larry, perplexed by his kvetching.

"But-but half your shows are all about whining and complaining and self-pity," Kaji said, a hand outstretched.

"Here's the big difference between my TV life and my home life," Larry replied. "The former _doesn't_ really reflect the latter. Just because my characters are whining, doesn't mean I tolerate it in my own home. I mean, Second Impact notwithstanding, you're lucky to be alive! To have people that really care about you."

Misato gave those words some thought, before realizing that the guy was right.

"Now as for your little couple's spat," Larry continued, "professionally, I'm not qualified to deal with this. Too much trouble. But that lady over there might be, so I'd go talk to her." He pointed to a stall just up the path they were on, which astonished the spy and the NERV tactician. A woman who looked like a stereotypical therapist was sitting behind a makeshift desk, and a sign posted over her head read:

**Couples Therapy in the Park**

**Available from 9am-8pm Weekly**

**Great rates!**

The two then looked back at Larry, who merely shrugged.

"Eh, go ahead, give it a try," he half-heartedly urged. "Couldn't hurt." He then continued on his way in the opposite direction.

Misato and Kaji looked at each other again, and in spite of their initial feelings on all this, decided 'what the hey', and walked over to the stall, taking a seat in the folding chairs in front of the 'desk' as the therapist got out a pen and a pad of paper.

**Misato's apartment, around the same time...**

"Hey Shinji, you want to kiss?" Asuka asked.

It took Shinji a second to register the question before he plucked his ear buds out. "Wait, what?"

"A kiss," Asuka clarified. "You've never done it, have you?"

Shinji was confused. And also worried. Was she trying to make a fool out of him? It had to be one of her 'traps'. It just had to.

"So why don't we do it? What's the harm?" Asuka asked again.

This didn't do anything to make Shinji any less wary. "W-why?"

"Because I'm bored," Asuka replied nonchalantly.

Shinji was dumbstruck. "Because you're bored? That's the stupidest reason I've ever heard!"

"What's the matter?" Asuka asked. "Afraid of kissing a girl while your mom might be looking down from above?"

Shinji blushed, trying his best not to take the bait. "N-no, not really."

"You don't sound like you're not scared..." Asuka continued to goad.

Unfortunately for Shinji, this is where he took the bait. "I'm not scared of a little kiss!"

"Good..." Asuka replied. "Brush your teeth? I never kiss anyone with halitosis."

Shinji nodded as Asuka got up and closed the distance between them. "Then, here I go..." she said.

Shinji blushed as he continued to try and keep his eyes closed, as Asuka got closer and closer. Then, before anything further happened, she spoke.

"Don't breathe-it tickles," she said as she pinched Shinji's nose closed with her right thumb and finger. Soon, their lips got closer and closer...

"Well this doesn't seem very romantic now, does it?" a bored-looking Freakazoid wondered as he leaned on the couch, munching on some popcorn.

Upon hearing his voice, both Shinji and Asuka's eyes shot wide open as they turned to see the wacky wonder in the living room looking at them.

"GAAAH!" they both yelped as they jumped back almost three feet in the air, panting as they landed.

"HOLY _schnike_!" a startled Asuka sputtered out, before looking our way briefly, confused again by what she'd just said.

"DON'T with the scaring, it's not a good thing!" Shinji exhorted in a very Lewis-y voice.

Asuka then glared at Freakazoid in consternation. "What the heck are you doing here?!" she demanded while pointing at him. "We were in the middle of something, so SCRAM! And stop making me quote Chris Farley!"

"Hey, don't look at me," Freakazoid said diplomatically with his hands up defensively, "blame the censors on that one. Now, as to why I'm here..." He proceeded to grab a chair from the kitchen table and sat on it in the manner of a typical peer counselor. "I was in the neighborhood doing my usual rounds, patrolling for all manner of nudniks and ne'er-do-wells, when my extremely good sense of hearing picked up on your little chat. I'm here to make sure neither of you makes a mistake you would've regretted greatly."

The two pilots stared at Freakazoid, bewildered by what he was saying.

"I mean, really, Asuka, you're one to talk, considering you've never been kissed before either, right?" Freakazoid posed.

Asuka turned bright red upon hearing this, surprising Shinji.

"Seriously, the first kiss is one of the biggest hallmarks of teenage life-it could make or break you from that point on. I know sometimes people say to let it come naturally, but not everybody does 'naturally' the same way!" Freakazoid then stood up from his chair. "Like Kenny Rogers would sing, 'if you're gonna play the game, you've got to learn to play it right."

Shinji and Asuka did a double-take from each other to Freakazoid and back. Pen-Pen, woken up from his nap by the commotion, stood there with his beak hanging open in astonishment.

"You're not gonna show us how to kiss, are you?" Shinji nervously asked.

"What? EEEEEWWWW! No way! This IS a kid-friendly fanfic, for Pete's sake, not some weird deconstruction of _The Cat in the Hat_!" Freakazoid replied while shaking his head. "I'm gonna give you a better setup for your first kiss! Here's what's gonna happen. The two of you get into whatever your best formal wear is, and meet me up on the roof in ten minutes. (I gotta get the place all nice and fancy.) Trust me, you won't regret it!"

With that, he quickly bolted in a flash of lightning-taking a surprised Pen-Pen along for the ride-out of the apartment and up the stairs to the roof, where soon the two pilots could hear the sound of minor construction going on. They then looked back at each other, shrugged with some sense of trepidation, and then proceeded to their respective rooms. Several minutes later they reemerged in the living room, now clad in the most formal things they could find in their closets.

Shinji wore a light blue long-sleeved collared shirt, a pair of tan slacks and a matching blazer, and a brown belt to go with the shoes he now wore. Asuka was now wearing a green long-sleeved dress with matching shoes, all of which Shinji quietly thought she looked good in.

"Huh-have to say, you really clean up nicely," she said to him.

"Oh! Um...thank you," he nervously replied. "You look...well...beautiful. Although..."

"Yes?" Asuka replied, giving him a cursory glance.

"Without your A-10 clips, I think you'd look...", he continued, swallowing before he finished his thought, "...really stunning."

Hearing this hit Asuka like a bucket of cold water. She'd never expected to hear him say something like this in all the time she'd known him. For once deciding to chance it, she removed the clips-a part of her very identity for so, so long-and set them on a small table nearby.

"I think we can head upstairs now," she said, motioning to the ceiling but implying the rooftop of the building. Shinji nodded and the two of them headed out of the apartment and made their way up the stairs. When they opened the rooftop access door, they were stunned by the sight before them. A cloth-covered table was set up in the middle of the area, with two lit candles on either side of a floral centerpiece and two chairs waiting for them. Off to the side was a piano, with a bow tie-wearing Pen-Pen-rolling his eyes over how he'd wound up being turned into an old caricature thanks to that piece of neck wear-playing an instrumental take on Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are". The sight of this was not lost on the two EVA pilots.

"Did you..._know_ that Pen-Pen could play piano?" Asuka asked.

"Um...well, he was originally a test subject in a NERV lab, so part of me kind of suspected...", Shinji did his best to answer.

They then noticed a slightly-grinning Freakazoid standing off to the left, wearing the trappings of a stereotypical French waiter over his costume (well, mainly just a collar, bow tie, cuffs, and cloth over his right forearm). He gestured for the two of them to take their seats.

"Deener, she is served," he implored in a ridiculous attempt at a French accent. Looking at each other briefly, the two pilots then walked over to the table. Shinji pulled Asuka's chair out for her, thinking that this would be the 'gentlemanly' thing to do on a dinner date; as soon as she scooted in, he pushed the chair till it met her. He then took his own seat as Freakazoid stepped up between them, holding two covered platters.

"Az ze main course of ze ee-ve-ning," Freakazoid began to say as he lowered the platters, "we have ze _bouillabaisse_ **[a spiced three-fish stew from the south of France]** for the young monsieur..." He lifted up the cover of Shinji's platter to reveal the steaming, aromatic dish underneath. "...And for ze young mademoiselle, a seemple or-dere of steak frites..." he said as he lifted the cover off of Asuka's, revealing the sizzling steak underneath, topped with a small thing of chive butter, and accompanied by some nicely-crisped fries. Both Shinji and Asuka were speechless, and remained as such until Freakazoid finished pouring sparkling cider into their glasses. _"Bon appétit!"_ Freakazoid implored as he stepped back to let them start eating.

After doing a brief double-take, from each other to the food in front of them and back, Shinji and Asuka both shrugged and started to dig in. If the looks on their faces didn't tell you enough, the food was delicious. They even let each other sample from the others' plates. Soon enough, halfway into their food, the two started to talk, a bit more honestly, about themselves. Soon enough, commonalities were found, from their upbringings, to their seeming inability to deal with people, and the all the ways they found to cope. Asuka even revealed how, on the day that Shinji mentioned he'd be heading to Tokyo-2, his mention of his mother's passing had hit close to home for her. When asked why by him, she revealed what'd happened to her own mother. That clinched it for the two of them-they really were more alike than they thought possible. By then, they'd finished eating, and soon the music began to change.

**[Suggested music: "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" by the Overtones.]**

Thinking quickly, Shinji got up, walked to Asuka, and held out his hand, offering her a dance. A small smile on her face, the redhead took his hand and got up herself, and the two made their way to a more open space on the rooftop, where they started to dance.

Freakazoid, happily observing, then looked in our direction, sensing we were anticipating this.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he began to present, "with their hit cover from the soundtrack to 2013's _Buddy_, the Overtones!"

The camera then panned onto the British vocal quintet as they launched into their cover of one of Frankie Valli's signature tunes:

_**You're just too good to be true**_

_**Can't take my eyes off you**_

_**You'd be like heaven to touch**_

_**I wanna hold you so much**_

_**At long last love has arrived**_

_**And I thank God I'm alive**_

_**You're just too good to be true**_

_**Can't take my eyes off you...**_

_**Pardon the way that I stare**_

_**There's nothing else to compare**_

_**The sight of you leaves me weak**_

_**There are no words left to speak**_

_**But if you feel like I feel**_

_**Please let me know that it's real**_

_**You're just too good to be true**_

_**Can't take my eyes off you...**_

Asuka found herself surprised by how light on his feet Shinji was.

"Where'd you learn to dance like this?" she asked.

"Um...nowhere, really," he admitted. "I just starting thinking of some of the things from our sync training, from when we fought the Seventh Angel."

"And you applied it to this?" she asked again. "You've never even danced with a girl before."

"Well, you've never danced with a boy before, right?" he offered.

"...Good point," she reluctantly admitted.

**[Brass bridge.]**

**_I love you baby_**

**_And if it's quite all right_**

**_I need you baby_**

**_To warm the lonely nights_**

**_I love you baby_**

**_Trust in me when I say..._**

**_Oh pretty baby_**

**_Don't bring me down I pray_**

**_Oh pretty baby_**

**_Now that I've found you stay_**

**_And let me love you, baby_**

**_Let me love you..._**

**_You're just too good to be true_**

**_Can't take my eyes off you_**

**_You'd be like heaven to touch_**

**_I wanna hold you so much_**

"Shinji?" Asuka asked.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"...About what I said before, why I wanted to kiss you in the first place."

"...What about it?"

_**At long last love has arrived**_

_**And I thank God I'm alive**_

_**You're just too good to be true**_

_**Can't take my eyes off you...**_

"...I lied. I wasn't bored."

"...What?!"

_**I love you baby**_

_**And if it's quite all right**_

_**I need you baby**_

_**To warm the lonely nights**_

_**I love you baby**_

_**Trust in me when I say**_

"I...I really did want to kiss you. I...What I'm saying is that I..."

Asuka didn't bother with words, and simply caught Shinji in a kiss, one that felt more genuine than what she'd tried to do earlier. Shinji, surprisingly, reciprocated, and the two shared a long, passionate lip-lock.

_**Oh pretty baby**_

_**Don't bring me down I pray**_

_**Oh pretty baby**_

_**Now that I've found you stay**_

_**And let me love you, baby**_

_**Let me love you, baby**_

_**Let me love you...**_

The two stayed like this for a little bit longer as the song reached its finale. Freakazoid, feeling like he shouldn't linger, smiled as he decided this would be his cue to skedaddle.

"Well, my work here's done for the day," he said as he sped off. Kensuke, who'd witnessed all of this from within the Freakazone, was totally stunned and speechless. Now he knew what Freakazoid had meant by ECSI.

**The front door of the apartment, a few minutes later...**

Shinji and Asuka had just reached the door to the apartment, all aglow from the moment they'd just shared up on the rooftop, when they ran into another couple that'd just arrived, much to their surprise. Misato and Kaji had finally made it back, and when the two pairs looked at each other, they were both surprised by one particular detail:

Each of them was hand-in-hand with the very person they'd been trading barbs with for the longest time, claiming they never liked each other.

"Um..." Shinji started.

"Uh..." Kaji voiced.

"It's not what it looks like!" both Asuka and Misato exclaimed with as much denial they could muster.

The four were momentarily distracted by Pen-Pen, who'd waddled down after the pilots and headed into the threshold of the apartment. The penguin turned around, eyed both the pair of teens and the pair of adults, and waved a dismissive flipper while letting out a single "Wark."

Were one able to speak penguin, that would've translated as "I saw this coming a mile away." Pen-Pen then waddled further in until he reached his fridge, which he promptly retired to for the night.

The two couples then looked back at each other, at which point the male halves spoke up.

"...I can explain," both Shinji and Kaji said with a raised finger.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
NOW we come to the mushy stuff! Sorry it took this long.**

**Once again, the bits about Rei's apartment riff on "Once More with Feeling" and "Coupled Effort", with a bit of "Advice and Trust" thrown in. "Feeling" also gets a nod in Shinji's compliment to Asuka.**

**The 'hokey pokey' bit riffs on the season two ****_Freakazoid _****episode "The Freakazoid", where voice actor Jess Harnell (who's also known as the voice of Wakko Warner, among a myriad of characters) showed off a pretty good Johnny Mathis impression as the singer, who somehow had been hired for Freakazoid's birthday party. (Incidentally, Harnell has a side gig as lead singer of the metal band Rock Sugar.)**

**The bit with the Catwoman figurine riffs again on issue #35 of the ****_Animaniacs_**** comic book, and also on the Warner Bros. Studio Stores chain, which I was a big fan of, and was saddened by their closure.**

**The interjection of the announcer riffs on the season one ****_Freakazoid _****episode "The Chip, Part 1", the first part of the origin story of Freakazoid.**

**The 'guest appearance' of Larry David was inspired by an article spotlighting him from the April 4, 2020 edition of ****_The New York Times_****, which is a great read in these trying times.**

**All those times (well, two so far) where Asuka's said 'Holy schnike' has her quoting comedian and SNL cast member Chris Farley, who used that phrase in his 1995 film ****_Tommy Boy_****.**

**Shinji's quote following that has him invoking the Jerry Lewis-like Mr. Director (another Paul Rugg character) in the season one ****_Animaniacs _****segment "Hearts of Twilight".**

**Freakazoid paraphrases the late Kenny Rogers' signature song "The Gambler".**

**The dress Asuka wears is the one she would've worn had she gone on that date in the first place, as in the canon episode.**

**Freakazoid's presentation of the Overtones lampoons Mike Myers doing the same to Burt Bacharach in the first Austin Powers movie, ****_Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery_****.**

**Now, on another note, about the tone of the overall story-given that **_**Freakazoid **_**was presented as a Saturday morning cartoon (despite being one that frequently went over the kiddies' heads like many of its contemporaries), I had to fudge around with **_**Evangelion's **_**tone in order for the crossover to seem fully authentic. Which led me to, among other things, 'Quesada-ize' certain character tics. (This refers to how when Joe Quesada became EIC of Marvel, and how among the changes he instituted was an edict that stopped characters like Wolverine, Gambit and Nick Fury from smoking.) Thus, Misato'll be a caffeine fiend instead of an alcoholic, and Ritsuko and Kaji'll be chewing on licorice (Twizzlers for Ritsuko, Redvines for Kaji) instead of having a cig dangling from their mouths. Hey, don't give me that look, at least it's not as extreme as 4Kids! was with the 'finger guns' in ****_Yu-Gi-Oh! _****or Sanji's lollipops in ****_One Piece_****.**


	11. Episode 10

The shot opens on Freakazoid, lit up like he's telling a scary story.

Freakazoid [in an overly-dramatic fashion]: "Terror...terror in the night..."

The shot moves outward, showing Freakazoid in the middle of a dark cloud bank, the wind blowing all around him.

Freakazoid: "The whipping, howling, unforgiving winds, crashing into the clouds, rain falling no matter where you turn! A great maelstrom upon you!"

The wind intensifies.

Freakazoid: "There is no escape, no escape at all from the true horror!"

The wind stops for a moment, but an eerie mist lingers.

Freakazoid: "A sudden silence...!"

The winds start back up, this time at an even greater intensity.

Freakazoid: "And then, screaming thunder! Lightning! Floods! Tornados! Vermin! Pestillence! FIRE! EARTHQUAKES! BLUE-HAIRED CLONES! All leading up to the unfathomable Gainax ending! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Freakazoid appears to be thrown by the winds, but then comes to a soft landing as the stormy backdrop gives way to a typical TV weather chart on a bright blue backdrop.

Freakazoid: "...Giving way to a hot, humid and hazy sun-filled afternoon. Thanks for watching, Tokyo-3, I'll be back with the five-day forecast after our next chapter!"

**Episode 9 - Freakazoid and the Deep Dark Hole that ate Tokyo-3**

The following morning saw two pilots and their guardian/commanding officer seeing each other in a new light as they ate the breakfast Shinji had prepared. Kaji had left last night, leaving those who still stood at the front door to Misato's apartment to table the awkward conversation until they'd gotten some sleep.

After much silence, where the only sound audible from anyone at the table was chewing, Misato cleared her throat and spoke.

"Sooooo...you're together now?" she bluntly asked, before quickly taking a sip of her coffee.

Both her charges blushed, not knowing quite how to respond at first. Their hesitation was short-lived as they both sighed and answered her.

"Yes."

Misato then placed her mug back down, her eyes and those of her wards unmoving from where they were staring.

"...You and Kaji're seriously back together?" Asuka bluntly asked, making her guardian slightly fidget.

"...Well...yeah," Misato replied.

"What happened to you on the way home?" Shinji asked.

"Funny story, actually," Misato replied as wavy lines began to appear, indicating a flashback about to start.

**The park, last night...**

Kaji and Misato were seated in a couple of folding chairs placed in front of a wooden desk with a sign posted above it. Behind the desk, the therapist had been jotting down notes for the past ten minutes since their session had begun. Kaji and Misato were just going into detail over how they'd initially met.

Kaji: "First time we met, we hated each other."

Misato: "Nah, it wasn't so much 'hate', more like 'strongly dislike'. And you didn't hate me, I strongly disliked you. Second time we met, you pretended you didn't even remember me."

Kaji: "Oh, I _did too_. Third time we met, we became friends."

Misato: "And Rits became our occasional third wheel. But still, we were friends for a while."

Kaji: "And then we weren't."

Misato: "We fell in love...Next thing we knew, we were nearly inseparable. Even played 'hooky' for an entire week."

Kaji: "That was a great week. It was the kind of thing that Ferris Bueller would envy."

Misato: "Made out in a number of places, always with the rush that came with the fear of getting caught..."

Kaji: "I got to see her win a hot dog-eating contest. By the time it was over, she didn't even look worse for wear! I could've sworn it was like she was related to Jughead."

Misato [making a 'lips sealed' gesture]: "Trade secret."

**Misato's apartment, present day...**

"I've heard of Shakespeare in the Park, but even that sounds ridiculous," Asuka said as Misato finished her story.

"Believe what you want," Misato replied, "either way, it turned out it was just what we'd needed for a long time."

Shinji put his glass down as he'd had his sip of orange juice. "You know, now that makes me think, has anyone ever noticed the dearth of psychologists, therapists and other mental health professionals in this city?"

Both Asuka and Misato shook their heads. "Weird," Shinji said. "You think someone would've brought that up. I mean, that can't have gone unnoticed by the U.N..."

"Yeah, pretty strange," Misato noted. "Sooo, enough about my rekindled romance, what finally brought the two of you together?"

"Actually, more of a who," Asuka replied. "Like he said, Freakazoid was in the neighborhood...and he wound up stopping me from making a big mistake."

"Oh?" Misato asked with a pressing tone.

"I, uh..." Asuka sheepishly started to say, "I tried goading Shinji into a kiss at first. Pinched his nose too, so his breathing wouldn't tickle."

"I would've suffocated if we hadn't been startled by Freakazoid," Shinji added. "Then he had us dress a bit nicer while he set up a candle-lit dinner up on the rooftop."

"Really," Misato replied, a hint of her usual teasing bubbling underneath her words.

"It was a great setup too," he continued. "Did you know Pen-Pen played piano?"

Misato seemed genuinely surprised by this. She then looked down at the feathered denizen of her apartment, idly eating his fishy breakfast. "No, that's...definitely news to me."

"Had all the right things for a night of dinner and dancing," Asuka chimed in. "I don't know how he did it, but he somehow managed to get the Overtones over here to sing for us."

Misato was definitely surprised by this. _Man, is there anything Freakazoid _can't_ do?_ she wondered.

"Moving on..." Misato started to say as she looked in her soup bowl, before eyeing Shinji, "did you change the soup stock today?"

"Oh yeah, I did," Shinji replied. "It's a bonito stock-a gift from Dr. Akagi."

"This is pretty good stuff, I've gotta say," Asuka commented. "Where'd she get it?"

"From what she told me, some place called Anubis Markets," Shinji answered.

**-X-**

**Announcer: "This chapter has been sponsored, in part, by Anubis Markets, a division of Osiris Foods. So shop at the sign of the jackal-headed man for food so good, you can eat it! (However, this will not affect our story in any way. Thank you.)"**

**-X-**

The trio looked around confusedly, wondering where that last minute had gone.

"Did we just experience some product placement?" Shinji asked.

"Weird..." Misato said, eyes darting left and right.

"I thought fanfics were safe from this..." Asuka muttered under her breath.

**NERV HQ testing lab, later that day...**

The three pilots were undergoing a harmonics test like usual. At the consoles, Misato and the techs were passing the time as they monitored the readings.

"You okay, Major?" Makoto asked. "You look tired."

"Well, I am," Misato replied. "It was a bit of a long night."

"Did I miss anything?" Ritsuko asked with a smirk.

Misato slightly grimaced. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Rits. Among other things, Kaji and I wound up getting couples therapy in the park..."

"Really?" Ritsuko asked. "I've heard of Shakespeare in the Park, but-"

"Already heard that one," Misato interjected. "Oddly enough, Larry David of all people pointed us there."

"No way," Shigeru piped up at hearing the comedian's name.

"You met Larry David?" Makoto asked. "Hey, by any chance did he tell you when the new season of _Curb's_ coming-?"

"Nope, and before you ask, we didn't press him," Misato answered. "ANYWAY, other than that, Shinji and Asuka got together."

The eyes of the techs and Ritsuko stared at Misato in surprise, with Ritsuko nearly dropping her data pad.

"No way," Ritsuko said.

"WAY," Misato replied.

"After all those months of jabs and bickering, just like that?" Ritsuko asked again.

"Well, yeah..." Misato answered, rubbing the back of her head. "All thanks to Tokyo-3's new superhero-slash-matchmaker."

Maya's eyes went wide upon hearing that. "Oh, he's _GOOD_..."

"I'm guessing things are going to be quite different, going forward," Ritsuko said.

"Don't I know it," Misato said, her fingers holding the bridge of her nose. "Bad enough that in all the time they've known each other so far, they danced around their feelings for each other. NOW, try to imagine what my life's gonna be like going forward. Think about it: I'm gonna be in charge of two kids, living in the same place, both madly in love with one another...both of them _teenagers_, no less."

Ritsuko shuddered at the implications Misato was laying out.

"And on another note, that reminds me..." Misato started to say with a smirk beginning to appear on her face. "Hyuga? Aoba? Can I speak to you two outside for a minute?"

Makoto and Shigeru looked at each other, confused and somewhat unsettled by how Misato was singling them out. With a bit of reluctance, they both stood up and followed her out into the hallway as the doors closed behind them. Maya and Ritsuko listened intently as they could make out some of the indistinct chatter on the other side. At one point they heard groans of defeat-most likely from Makoto and Shigeru-and then swore they could hear the sounds of a couple of pens scribbling in a couple of checkbooks. These were then followed by a Stinson-esque "Thaaaaannnnnk YOU!" clearly coming from Misato, who strode back into the lab, with Makoto and Shigeru, shoulders slightly hunched, returning to their stations. Misato, a smug smile on her face, then noticed Ritsuko and Maya looking at her.

"I don't even want to know," Ritsuko said as she turned back to her datapad.

Maya followed her sempai's lead and turned back to her console, where something caught her eye.

"Hey Major, you might want to see this," she implored.

Misato leaned over Maya's chair and looked at what she was indicating. "Well now, this ought to bring his confidence up a little more." She then pressed a button that opened the comms between her and Shinji's test plug. "Hey Shinji, you read me?"

Shinji opened his eyes upon hearing that. "Uh, yeah, I read you," he replied. "What's going on?"

"It's your test scores," Misato. "Congrats-you and Asuka are actually evenly matched!"

"Wow," he said, astonished and happy at the same time, "I...I don't know what to say..."

"I'd like to think I had a little something to do with that," Asuka chimed in. "How, you ask? I'll never tell a soul."

"Riiiight..." Misato replied.

Minutes later, once the tests finished, as soon as they'd changed Asuka and Rei headed to the HR office, where Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko were waiting for them. A minute later, they were joined by Misato, herself surprised that she'd been called in. As the meeting went underway, Misato was shocked and appalled over hearing about Rei's living conditions for the first time. Soon enough, by the time the meeting concluded, a new deal had been hammered out, one that would see Rei moved into the apartment next to Misato's. In justifying this to Gendo when he returned, Rei, Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko would offer that having her in close proximity to the other pilots would enable her to keep an eye on their comings and goings, so as to keep the scenario on track. A satisfied grin on her face, Asuka walked alongside Rei as they headed out for the day.

"Once we get you moved in, we're gonna throw you quite the housewarming party," Asuka confidently declared.

"I did not realize there were celebrations that involved turning the heating in a house absurdly high," Rei responded.

Asuka blanked upon hearing this. "Was that a joke?" she wondered aloud.

**The Freakalair, around the same time...**

"Aaaannnnnd done!" Freakazoid said as he got out from underneath the supercomputer he was making some finishing adjustments on. With Kensuke's input, he'd finally managed to get it up and running. "Whaddya think, Kensuke?"

_This is probably one of the most advanced computers I've ever seen!_ the otaku marveled. _It might be more powerful than the MAGI, the way it's built._

"Careful, you might make Naoko jealous," Freakazoid teased. "Though it's not like we won't leave out her contributions."

By contributions, he'd meant that Naoko had given them a lot of input when they were rebuilding the Freak-A-Puter. They'd also set up a two-way line for Naoko to feed them info, like when an Angel was drawing near, among other things. Freakazoid had been developing some suspicions regarding what NERV really was, and Naoko was as good an informant as he could get. And, with the way they'd set their communication up, none would be the wiser.

"Now let's fire this baby up!" Freakazoid declared as he pressed a button. Soon, the large computer lit up, all fully-booted. On the desktop, Freakazoid spotted a little icon bearing a chibi-ized version of Naoko's likeness. By clicking on it, he'd access any alert she'd send.

"Now for the fun part, the AI interface!" Freakazoid said as he pressed another button. At that moment, a digitized face began to materialize on the screen. It resembled a bearded man wearing a plaid golf cap.

_Who's he supposed to be?_ Kensuke asked.

"Kensuke, meet R.O.D.D.Y.: Really Over-aggressive Digi-Scotsman Designed for Yelling," Freakazoid said as he introduced the AI. "I based him off of my mentor, Roddy MacStew. Until I figure out what the real Roddy's up to, he'll be our mission control. How's it goin' R.O.D.D.Y.?"

"Well," the AI started to say, "I'm a floatin' head inna massive supercomputer wit' no hands an' basically actin' as yeer Commissioner-bloody-Gordon, so I'm all fine an' dandy now, ain't I?"

Kensuke was bewildered by the digital Scotsman's rambling. _He's gonna be a whole lot of fun, isn't he?_ he mused.

"AH HEARD THAT, ye four-eyed manga-muncher!" R.O.D.D.Y. shouted.

Kensuke was completely startled. _He can hear me?_ he wondered.

"Ah'm connected ta the web, Ah can communicate in almost ev'ry way, includin' THAT kind o' wirelessly!" R.O.D.D.Y. answered for him. "So yees, Ah can hear ye!"

_Remind me never to get on his bad side,_ Kensuke said.

**Tokyo-3, later that day...**

The sun was shining bright over the city in the late afternoon. It remained that way, until a strange shadow began to appear. It covered nearly the entire Western District. The source of the shadow was a truly strange sight: a massive orb with an almost zebra-striped pattern. As soon as it fully appeared, alarms went off on two separate tracking systems.

In NERV HQ, "ALERT" blared on almost every screen as the MAGI's Angel detection system went to work.

Over in the Freakalair, the Freak-A-Puter alerted its owner in a more...unconventional manner. Freakazoid was watching TV while the Freak-A-Puter's screen flashed. When it couldn't get a response out of the hero, it went for the more direct approach. A robotic arm appeared out of the console, holding a brick in its hand. As soon as it was in position, it then dropped the brick on Freakazoid.

"BRICK!" Freakazoid exclaimed briefly, recalling a similar incident when Roddy was helping him tap into his latent telekinesis. He jumped up with a start.

"WHO-WHAT-WHERE-WHO-WHAT-WHAT?" he rapidly asked as he looked around.

"Get off yur duff and get over here, laddie!" R.O.D.D.Y. shouted. "Th' MAGI's detected an approachin' Angel, we've no time ta lose!"

"RIGHT!" Freakazoid said as he zipped over to the Freak-A-Puter. He quickly clicked on the Naoko icon, granting him real-time access to the MAGI as it alerted everyone and kept an eye on the approaching menace. "Naoko, what's going on?!" Freakazoid asked.

At that moment, an avatar of Naoko appeared on-screen. "According to the data we've gotten so far, this thing just appeared directly above us. So far it's been maintaining a pattern orange, no AT-Field detected. As of now, I've been withholding judgment on whether or not it's a threat, since it hasn't done a thing since coming here."

_What's it look like?_ Kensuke asked.

"Yeah, what's the thing look like?" Freakazoid asked.

"Putting it on-screen right now," Naoko replied. Soon a feed of the orb appeared. Freakazoid scratched his head as he mulled it over.

"You sure this isn't some really expensive art installation somebody set up without a permit?" the wacky wonder asked.

"Art installations _don't_ register patterns of any kind, ya twit!" R.O.D.D.Y. exclaimed.

"Well, it's got a zebra stripe pattern, shouldn't that mean we go after it?" Freakazoid asked.

"Not THAT kind of pattern!" R.O.D.D.Y. frustratingly clarified. "Wee're talkin' about WAVELENGTHS here!"

Meanwhile, in Central Dogma, the staff were just as perplexed by the orb. Even still, Misato ordered the deployment of all three Evangelions.

"Can you all hear me?" she asked as the EVAs took up positions behind a number of buildings. Unit-01 had a pallet pistol; Unit-02 was armed with a progressive axe; and Unit-00 carried a positron rifle. "We've sent you all of the target's data so far. Approach it carefully and observe all reactions, and if possible, lure it into the airspace outside city limits. One of you take point, the other two act as backup. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am!" all three pilots replied.

While Misato was handing out orders, Freakazoid, wearing a flight pack he hadn't used since he helped lead Air Force One out of a storm, flew off to observe the action from a distance. He'd also brought along a secret weapon should things get hairy for the pilots.

_So what do we do now?_ Kensuke asked.

"We wait," Freakazoid answered as he took out a paddleball and started trying to break a record with it.

Down on the ground, Shinji had volunteered to take point, with Rei and Asuka backing him up. Shinji then moved on ahead, taking up position behind a skyscraper that gave him a view of the orb from an angle.

"Asuka, Ayanami, you in position yet?" he asked.

"Not yet," Rei replied.

"Almost," Asuka replied. She came up short, however, when she felt a tug, making her realize she'd reached the end of her cable. "Ah, nutbunnies, I gotta switch cables." She then disengaged her current cable and quickly made it to a building with a replacement waiting for her. The switch made, she then took her place behind another building. "I'm here."

"Roger," Shinji replied.

From his vantage point, Freakazoid (and Kensuke) continued to watch.

"Whaddya think he's gonna do?" Freakazoid asked.

_Well, if it were me,_ Kensuke guessed, _I'd probably fire a warning shot across its nose, see how it reacts._

Just then, Shinji aimed and fired a few shots that went right through the orb, to the astonishment of the gathered staff in Central Dogma and the pilots themselves.

"Forget across its nose, Shinji just fired up it!" Freakazoid said, completely surprised as he watched through a pair of binoculars.

Things got even more shocking when the orb vanished after its black stripes briefly changed color.

"It's disappeared!" Ritsuko noted. The moment she said that, the alarms blared again.

"What's going on?" Misato demanded.

"Pattern blue! Angel detected!" Makoto reported instantly. "And it's-oh no, it's directly under Unit-01!"

Upon hearing that, Shinji looked down and noticed a shadow appearing under his EVA's feet. It grew larger and darker, until finally it covered nearly every inch of street in his area. He fired a few more shots into it, only to learn it was ineffectual.

"What's happening?!" Shinji asked worriedly, only to notice that the orb had reappeared above him, much to his shock. His situation wasn't lost on the rest of his comrades. Soon enough, Shinji began to have a literal sinking feeling, as everyone witnessed his EVA starting to disappear into the shadow.

"Ikari?" a concerned Rei asked.

"Shinji, get out of there!" Asuka shouted, no small amount of worry in her voice. "What're you waiting for, you idiot?!"

Back on the bridge, Misato ordered Shinji's plug to be ejected, only to learn from Maya that the signal was being jammed. Misato could only watch in horror as Unit-01 sank further into the shadow.

"Asuka! Rei! Rescue Shinji, hurry!" she ordered.

"I'm on it!" Asuka replied as she broke off into a run while Rei fired at the orb, only for it to disappear again.

_Don't you leave me, just when we got together!_ Asuka furiously thought to herself. She had her EVA climb on top of a building to get a better view, only to see the entire section of the city in the shadow's grip. _No_...she thought.

"Oh, that does it, no one makes a buffet out of my new city, especially some deep dark hole that probably leads to nowhere!" Freakazoid exclaimed as he started to fly towards the city. "C'mon Kensuke, we've got a city and three of your friends to save and girls to impress!"

_Not...entirely how I'd put it, but yeah! Let's kick that Angel's butt!_ Kensuke agreed.

"Don't think we can do this ourselves, pal," Freakazoid noted.

_WHAT?!_ Kensuke wondered in disbelief. _But why-_

"If that thing does what I think it does, it'll suck everything into it and we'll wind up in some empty space with no way out!" Freakazoid explained. "This is one battle we'll need someone else to fight for us, and luckily I brought just the tool with me for the job. Good thing I decided to pay the trophy room a visit." He then took out a book from somewhere on his person.

_What's with the book?_ Kensuke asked.

"Trust me, this is no ordinary book," Freakazoid answered. "I confiscated it from an arch-villain of mine named Waylon Jeepers. Real creepy mystic guy, obsessed with the occult. Anyway, I figured we'd need to fight fire with _magic_!"

_But why use Jeepers's book?_ Kensuke asked.

"Figured I could put it to use for good," Freakazoid answered. "Besides, it's not like I can just call up Zatanna and ask to borrow one of her's!"

**-X-**

The moment he said that, Maya sneezed.

"Uh, you okay Maya?" Ritsuko asked.

"I'm fine, sempai," the tech replied as she lightly rubbed her nose. "Probably just some dust in the air." Secretly though, she wondered just what was it that made her do that in the first place, as she wasn't particularly allergic to anything. Pushing that aside for now, she focused back on the emergency at hand.

**-X-**

Freakazoid zoomed over to where Asuka was crouched on the building, as it started sinking into the shadow. His arrival didn't go unnoticed by Central Dogma.

"Small flying object detected heading for Unit-02," Shigeru reported.

"Get me a visual," Misato ordered. Shigeru did just that, and on one of the larger monitors, everyone got a good look at Freakazoid flying by his odd jet pack.

"How the heck is that thing even working? It should be impossible!" Ritsuko said with no small amount of skepticism.

"Rits, in all the time Freakazoid's been here, when has 'impossible' mattered?" Misato replied. "I just want to know why he's headed towards Asuka." She then eyed Makoto and the others. "Make sure we pick up the audio," she commanded.

"Right!" Makoto affirmed.

Back on the battlefield, Asuka spotted the approaching Freakazoid heading her way.

"What're you doing here?" Asuka asked. "And something tells me going all Capcom's not gonna do squat against this Angel!"

"Don't worry, I'm here to help!" Freakazoid reassured. "Asuka, to beat this thing, I'm gonna need you to do something, but promise you won't laugh!"

"Laugh?!" Asuka asked, bewildered. "How can I _laugh_ at a time like this?! The boy I just found out I love is sinking into oblivion!"

"Then trust me with what I'm gonna suggest," Freakazoid answered as he held up the open spellbook. "I need you to cast this spell here!"

Asuka just stared at the hero, dumbstruck. "Cast a spell? Are you kidding me? There's no such thing as magic!"

"You'd think that, but no," Freakazoid said. "It's real all right. The guy I confiscated this from? Made a watch that turned beavers to gold! Now do you wanna save Shinji or not?!"

Her concern for her fellow pilot ultimately winning out in the end, Asuka reluctantly nodded.

"All right, here's what you'll do," Freakazoid instructed. "You'll use your prog knife like a wand to channel the spell. Aim it at the shadow, and you'll be good to go! Now quick, read it before it's too late!" He held the page up so Asuka could get a good look at it.

Once Asuka memorized the incantation, she turned to face the shadow and raised her knife, held like a magic wand.

"Ooohhh, this is so stupid..." Asuka muttered to herself before just going with it. She then began to wave the knife as she recited the incantation:

_"Charliesheen, Benvereen, shrink to the size of a lima bean!"_

Upon finishing, she pointed the knife, which began glowing with a strange green aura, at a part of the shadow. The aura shot forth from the makeshift wand, and soon covered every inch of the shadow, making it convulse. A side-effect of this phenomena was that it caused the shadow to spit out Unit-01, which landed in a heap a few blocks from where it'd been sucked in.

All eyes in Central Dogma were stunned by this development. Even more so when they witnessed a more startling sight: the shadow was shrinking! Ritsuko, especially, was speechless.

"See what I mean by 'impossible' not mattering?" Misato said.

Asuka leaped off the building to quickly help Shinji up. "You okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," Shinji said. "It was pretty dark in there. I was afraid I wouldn't make it."

"I am glad you are unharmed," Rei said as she pulled up in Unit-00. Her attention then turned to the rapidly-shrinking shadow, and the orb that floated above it. It started moving like an eyeball, looking around itself almost like it was wondering just what was happening to it. Soon it got smaller and smaller, until finally it couldn't be seen by the large optics of the Evangelions. In Central Dogma, Misato gave out a new set of orders.

"Pilots, extend your AT-fields to surround that thing," she said. "Keep it contained till we get a team out there to capture it."

"Roger," the pilots did, as they quickly surrounded the Angel and held out the hands of their EVAs. Soon, the orange glow of their combined fields briefly appeared, ensuring that the shrinking Angel wouldn't escape.

Some minutes later, Misato, Ritsuko and a small team of both security and technical staff had arrived at the battlefield, where they noticed that none of the buildings seemed the worse for wear after being nearly 'eaten' by the Angel. Soon enough, Ritsuko, in a HAZMAT suit, got closer and closer to the Angel, and her eyes went wide when she saw just how small it'd gotten. Sure enough, it was so tiny that it'd look like a marble in her hand if she were to hold it. In that instant, Freakazoid soon joined them on the ground. Ritsuko looked up at him and then removed her suit's head covering.

"I guess we owe you again," she said as she held out her hand, which he then took as they shook.

"Aw, I didn't do much," Freakazoid said in his most 'aw shucks' manner. "Asuka was the one who cast the spell after all."

Their attention then turned back to the marble-sized Angel.

"Here, maybe this'll help," Freakazoid said as he pulled an object from behind his person. A label identified it as an ACME progressive jar.

"They're still in business?" Ritsuko wondered as she took the jar from his hands. Then, as one would do with a butterfly or a firefly, she unscrewed the lid off the jar, placed the jar over the Angel, and then screwed the lid back on. She then turned back to Freakazoid.

"I still can't believe this," she mused. "Unlike our encounter with the 8th Angel, we've actually managed to capture one alive. To think of the possibilities that could come from studying this thing..."

"Just promise you won't put it onstage," Freakazoid said. "We all know how that movie ended."

"Riiight," Ritsuko replied before she nodded to Misato.

"All right guys, you can disengage now," Misato said into a radio linked to the EVAs' comms. The orange shimmer then briefly appeared again before fading entirely. She then flashed Freakazoid a salute, which he returned.

"I'd say my good deed for the day's done," he said as he turned to fly off. "Now if you'll excuse me, there's a bag of chips and a _Car 54, Where Are You?_ marathon that beckons me." With that, he flew off via jet pack, leaving Ritsuko still astonished over how such a contraption could work.

**A meeting of the SEELE council, much later...**

The members of SEELE, via their monolith avatars, convened for a meeting regarding the aftermath of the battle with the Twelfth Angel. They weren't exactly in the most pleasant of moods.

"This deviated heavily from the script," Lorenz Kihl, SEELE-01 and leader of the council intoned. "The presence of this Freakazoid can no longer be tolerated."

"And how do you propose to deal with him?" SEELE-04 asked. "Our intelligence reports that the man is quite unpredictable. There's no telling what he could do if we made a move against him."

"Indeed," Kihl replied. "A wildcard such as he threatens the fate of our entire scenario."

"I'm afraid that your scenario is no longer a concern," a new voice sounded within the darkness. Soon, the council noticed a robed and hooded figure walk into the center, his face hidden by shadow. "With the reemergence of Freakazoid, I have determined that I must take matters into my own hands, starting with...appropriating the resources and manpower an organization such as yours possesses."

Kihl was not amused by the newcomer's declaration. "Who are you to so brazenly say such nonsense?" the old cyborg demanded.

"Why Herr Kihl, don't tell me you haven't forgotten an old...acquaintance?" the newcomer asked as he removed his hood. The rest of the council gasped as they stared at the man's visage. He appeared to be a man of Spanish ethnicity, with a strong jawline and a patch covering his left eye. Most startling was that half of his face looked like it was made of a three-dimensional circuit board. It didn't take long for Kihl to recognize him.

"Gutierrez..." he said. "Last I'd checked, you've been in hiding in the Caymans. What makes you think you can just take the whole of SEELE by yourself?"

Armando Gutierrez merely smiled as he brought out a laptop. "It's very simple, my friend," he replied as he held the screen up to Kihl's monolith. "All I have to do...is depose you. And it'll be as easy as taking candy from a cybernetically-enhanced baby. Like so..."

With that, he pressed a key, and soon, the screen of the laptop lit up brightly. Kihl felt himself being sucked through the terminal from which he operated his avatar, and with a horrified scream was absorbed, leaving an empty office and causing his avatar to shut off. Gutierrez then closed the laptop and addressed the other council members.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have just digitized and sent your now-former leader to a remote part of the internet, from which he may possibly never return. I believe that with the unexpected...departure of Herr Kihl, your organization is in need of new leadership. I nominate myself for such a position. I do believe that you will all agree to this decision...Unless you wish to share in Kihl's fate..."

The other council members said nothing at first. Then, all eleven of them said the same thing at the same time:

"We accept your terms."

Gutierrez smiled again in satisfaction. "Good, good..." he said. "Now then, I believe it's time I unveiled some new...changes I have in store for our fair group. Ones that will greatly affect the world more than your previous scenario called for...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Laugh with me, laugh with me! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...!"

Soon enough, reluctantly, the rest of the council joined in the evil laugh at Gutierrez's insistence.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

***WHEW!* Man, am I glad I finally got this up. Hope none of you are disappointed by how the fight with Leiliel went down.**

**The 'weather report' comes from the very first episode of _Freakazoid_.**

**Misato and Kaji's therapy session parodies the one from _When Harry Met Sally..._That line about Kaji drawing parallels to Jughead (from Archie Comics) is inspired by a comment Lexarius left me on my story "An Almost-Apt Comparison".**

**The Anubis Markets bit comes from the season two _Freakazoid _episode "Mission: Freakazoid", and won't be the only time the franchise gets referenced in this story.**

**Misato's line about imagining what her life's going to be like now that Shinji and Asuka are an item riffs on a similar one from the last chapter of Ryoma's comedy story "The Best Laid Plans", of which I'm a big fan of.**

**Misato's particular 'Thank you' comes from _How I Met Your Mother_.**

**The bit with Freakazoid and the brick comes from the season two Freakazoid episode "Two Against Freak".**

**Freakazoid's jetpack was previously seen in the season one episode "Freakazoid is History!", where he winds up getting sent back in time to Pearl Harbor, 1941.**

**The lines about firing a warning shot riff on Mel Brooks's _Spaceballs_.**

**The description of Leiliel as a 'deep dark hole leading to nowhere' refers to the sixth track on Los Lobos's 1990 album _The Neighborhood_.**

**Waylon Jeepers appeared in two Freakazoid episodes: season one's "Dance of Doom" and season two's "Statuesque".**

**The Zatanna bit with Maya sneezing is my shout-out to Mike313's Superwomen of EVA 2 story "The Magic Touch", where our favorite mousy tech becomes the princess of prestidigitation.**

**The spell that Asuka casts is lifted from the Pinky and the Brain-centric season one episode of _Animaniacs_ titled "Spellbound", where it was found in the spellbook owned by Merlin the magician.**

**ACME was the be-all, end-all company present in everything _Looney Tunes _(and its descendants), especially in the Road Runner/Wile E. Coyote shorts. Their products will be making some appearances in this story as well, as they've definitely branched into anti-Angel defense as a market.**

**Freakazoid, in his comment to Ritsuko, references _King Kong_, unless you already knew that.**

**And at last, the true major villain of this story makes his presence known to SEELE! Bum-bum-buuuuuummmm!**


	12. Episode 11 - Musical Interlude 2

**Announcer: "...And now, a musical interlude."**

**-X-**

On a set resembling the inside of a barn, complete with a big hay bale in the background, to the shock of those who'd suddenly found themselves in their respective unexpected positions:

-Shinji was playing the banjo.

-Rei on the fiddle.

-Asuka on harmonica.

-Shigeru on guitar.

-Makoto on the washboard.

-Misato, fittingly, blowing into a jug.

They didn't know how, they didn't know why, all they knew was they were playing the kind of music you'd find at a hoedown or a square dance.

**-X-**

**Announcer: "We interrupt ****_Hee-Haw Genesis Evangelion_**** for a special report from the CW network."**

**-X-**

Freakazoid was dressed in a suit version of his costume, sitting behind a desk while a graphic of the CW network's logo (with the word 'Editorial' under it) hung in the air next to him.

Freakazoid [going full-on pundit]: "What exactly is The CW? Can someone tell me this, what's it mean, The CW? The Classic Waltz? The Curvy Weasel? The Clown Wagon? I don't know what! The Crazy Weenie? What? I'm asking! *SIGH* It's questions like these that make me miss the old WB Network-at least then I KNEW what it stood for!"

**-X-**

**Announcer: "This has been a special report from The Crazy Weenie network. We now join ****_Hee-Haw Genesis Evangelion_****, already in-progress."**

**-X-**

The music continued to play in the background, while on the dance floor, Ritsuko, Kaji, Maya, Toji and Hikari were line-dancing, much to their mutual shock. Even more surprising was when they noticed an equally-perturbed Fuyutsuki ham-boning off to the side.

**-X-**

**Announcer: "This concludes our musical interlude. We now return to our story."**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Another bit of filler I saved until I have the next chapter out.**

**First off, a big belated thankaroonie to Azure Dragon of the East for correcting me on where I lifted the 'tacos too much' bit from, it was actually season 2's "Tomb of Invisibo".**

**Anyway, for this musical interlude, I combined a ****_Freakazoid_**** gag (the segment "The Big Question" from season 1's "Mo-Ron") with a parody from an episode from season 2 of ****_The Critic, _****"Sherman of Arabia" (whereas on that show, the joke was a country-western Enterprise crew in ****_Hee-Haw: The Next Generation_****).**


	13. Episode 12

**Announcer: "Let's learn how to write and speak in Japanese kanji, because it's time for 'Neato Nihongo with Freakazoid'."**

**-X-**

The camera opened up on Freakazoid, dressed like Master Roshi (complete with a turtle shell and fake beard), standing in front of a blackboard. Acting as his assistant, much to her surprise, was Asuka, wearing her school uniform. Freakazoid tapped on the board with his walking stick, getting Asuka's attention.

Freakazoid: "Kon'nichiwa, kurasu, ogenkidesuka? Yoi. Soshite ima, kyō no ressun."

Freakazoid then took up a piece of chalk and began writing the following phrase in kanji:

**何だと思う？ チキンバット！**

Freakazoid [pointing to Asuka and then to the phrase]: "Soshite ima, anata no bandesu."

Asuka nodded her head slowly, and then took up a piece of her own and did her best to follow Freakazoid's example. Once finished, Freakazoid inspected her work with a discerning eye, before turning to her and nodding with approval.

Freakazoid [pointing again with his stick, imploring Asuka to follow along]: "Yoku yatta. Ima, watashi no nochi ni kurikaeshimasu: Nanida to omou? Chikinbatto!"

Freakazoid then slowed down and backed up a bit, focusing on each separate part of the phrase.

Freakazoid [pointing to each word in the first part]: "Nanida to omou?"

Asuka: "Nanida to omou?"

Freakazoid [pointing to the second part, Asuka following along intently]: "Chikinbatto!"

Asuka: "Chikinbatto!"

After uttering the phrase, something made Asuka look our way, confusion on her face as she started to realize what said phrase was.

Freakazoid [translating]: "Guess what? Chicken butt!"

Freakazoid then nodded at Asuka, imploring her to repeat the translation.

Asuka [confusedly]: "Guess what? Chicken butt!...?"

Freakazoid [nodding as he pointed to a subtitle below his chest]: "Nanida to omou? Chikinbatto!"

Freakazoid and Asuka then both turned to address us.

Freakazoid [waving]: "Yoku yatta. Arigatō, sayōnara, yoiichinichiwo!"

**-X-**

**Announcer: "This has been 'Neato Nihongo with Freakazoid'. And now, our next chapter."**

**Episode 10 - Back in the Freak-in' U.S.A., Part 1**

The air within Gendo Ikari's office was still, yet tense. Gendo sat behind his desk, his hands tented as always, with Fuyutsuki standing next to him. Standing in front of the desk were Ritsuko and Misato, and placed on the desk was the jar holding Leiliel. The now-diminutive Angel of Night, its orb avatar present, was 'eyeing' its surroundings with a very warily.

"This is indeed an unexpected outcome," Fuyutsuki noted as he leaned in closer to get a good look at the captive Angel. "I never thought we'd actually capture one alive after the debacle with the 8th."

"Yes," Gendo said, "though again, the presence of Freakazoid only continues to complicate our operations, and will not be tolerated. I am handing down a new directive to Captain Chiron and his men: Section 2 will take charge of the operation to capture Freakazoid, in addition to their duties as the pilots' security detail."

A surprised look appeared on Misato's face upon hearing that. "Sir, if I may?" she asked. "Freakazoid's help saved one of our best pilots from a grim fate, not to mention keeping us from losing Unit-01. Surely you can see that?" _Not to mention it prevented a lot of property damage, therefore reducing my paperwork load by_ a ton, she thought to herself.

"While I can acknowledge that as much," Gendo replied, "I will brook no further interference from a possibly-unstable masked vigilante. The credibility of this organization may suffer if he continues to get in the way of our efforts." He then looked up at Ritsuko. "On a different matter, I trust that you will manage to handle the study of this Angel with extreme care, in addition to your other duties?"

Ritsuko nodded in affirmation as she picked up the jar. "Yes, sir. The things we could learn from studying the Angel's spatial distortion abilities could prove fruitful given enough time. I could even dig up that old 'Dirac Sea transporter' project that's been collecting dust..."

"Good," Gendo replied. "Then you two are dismissed." At that, Ritsuko and Misato both turned and left the office, leaving only Gendo and Fuyutsuki to continue their conversation in private.

Fuyutsuki turned to his former student, a hint of concern in his voice. "We haven't been summoned by the Committee yet," he noted. "That's not like them at all."

"Indeed," Gendo replied. "I consider few things in life to be very predictable, one of them being the Committee demanding an 'after-action' audience with myself. The fact they haven't already done so is very troubling..."

**The Freakalair, later that day...**

Freakazoid was tinkering with the capabilities of the Freak-a-puter, as well as installing a number of apps 'just in case'. He then opened up the web browser for his next activity.

_What's the web surfing for?_ Kensuke asked.

"I put it off long enough, so I figure I should check up on my friends and such in America," Freakazoid answered. "I mean, it's been fifteen years. Who knows what's been going on with them? Not me, which I intend to fix right about...now."

Soon the wacky wonder was making use of the many search engines available to internet users as he began his research. The more he read, the more surprised at some of the turns life took those he called friend and foe back home.

"Wowee, Cave Guy and Cobra Queen got married? Good for them! And neato, Cave Guy's a curator for the American Museum of Natural History in New York, while Cobra Queen's got her own art gallery, interesting...Longhorn went straight too? NICE! And he runs a trucking company, with a country-western radio show on the side...Waylon Jeepers-whereabouts unknown, supposedly vanished into another dimension...Invisibo-sarcophagus still locked up...Can-whoops! Not gonna say his name, anyway, whereabouts unknown...Deadpan, oh, neato! She's working steadily as a facial model, good for her...The Lobe-whereabouts unknown, not seen for fourteen years...Armando Gutierrez, whereabouts unknown...(Note to myself, keep an eye out for the two of them...)..."

"Lord Bravery-retired from superheroing...the Huntsman-retired from superheroing, huh, must've gotten tired of protecting cities without crime...WOW! Cosgrove, mayor of D.C.! Good for him! I always knew he had the right stuff for the job!...Oh, no, Professor Heiney passed on-but he won the Nobel Prize and had a school named for him, good to know!...Ooh, Professor Jones hosts a show on PBS now, I'll have to give it a watch...WHOA, Fatman and Boy Blubber really lost a lot of weight...Huh, Fan Boy now runs a successful start-up in Silicon Valley. Hopefully he got a life before that...Hey, whaddya know, Roddy's head of his own computer company, I'll have to give him a call soon...now let's see how the Douglases are doing...Hmmm...Douglas and Debbie Douglas-both retired, living in Arizona...Duncan Douglas-still a bachelor, runs a sporting goods store, well that's fine for him...Now let's see, Dexter Douglas..."

As soon as Freakazoid entered Dexter's name in the search bar and pressed enter, the information that greeted him made his mouth hang agape.

"NO WAY-Dexter works as a computer tech for NERV-2 in Nevada! AND he married Steff, all right!" Freakazoid beamed as he got up from his chair. "That settles it, Kensuke, I'm gonna pay Dexter a visit tomorrow!"

_Wait, really?_ Kensuke asked. _How're we gonna explain why I'm gone? I've never even left Japan, let alone Tokyo-2!_

"Lemme ask you this," Freakazoid replied. "What were you planning on doing tomorrow anyway?"

_Well,_ Kensuke began to say, _I was gonna go check out the arrival of a new battleship in New Yokosuka..._

"Perfect alibi!" Freakazoid said. "Don't worry, we won't be out of the country long. I'm just gonna pop overseas, catch up with Dexter and Steff for a bit, maybe see how NERV-2 looks, and then come right back. No sweat!"

_Well..._Kensuke started to hesitate, _considering how fast you are, I guess it's okay. And everyone'll think I just went to see the battleship...All right, you got yourself a day trip._

"GREAT!" Freakazoid exclaimed. "We leave tomorrow! Look out, good ol' U.S. of A, your boy's a-comin' home for a visit!"

**Tokyo-3 rail station, the next day...**

Kensuke woke up bright and early, and after having breakfast and talking with his father over where he'd be today, he left their apartment for the train station, where he'd catch a line to New Yokosuka. However, instead of heading to the train, Kensuke quickly snuck into an alley nearby and, once he'd determined that the coast was clear, let Freakazoid take it from there.

"Ooooh, Freak Out!"

Soon it was exit Kensuke, enter Freakazoid, who then sped off towards the water and made a beeline across the Pacific, reaching United States soil in no time at all.

**[Suggested music for the montage of U.S. landmarks Freakazoid passes by: "Back in the U.S.A." by Chuck Berry.]**

He didn't stop there, as he headed towards the southwestern part of the country until finally, he'd arrived in the city limits of one of the more famous destinations in the nation.

"Kensuke, my man," Freakazoid said with wide, outstretched arms, "welcome to 'Lost Wages', Nevada!"

Kensuke, from his view from within the Freakazone, took in the sights of the city known by, among other nicknames, "America's Playground", from the hotels to the casinos, and everything in-between.

_Wow,_ he marveled, _I can only imagine what it looks like at night, if all three Ocean's 11 movies have taught me anything..._

"While that would be something worth doing," Freakazoid started to say, "we're gonna have to put that in the 'next time' category, 'cause we've got a mission here!" With that, Freakazoid sped off in the direction of the address that his web search had given him, and soon found himself outside the city and in a suburb miles from where NERV-2 was headquartered. He soon came upon his destination: a nice, one-story house with a pale yellow, almost goldenrod paint job and a rust red roof. Freakazoid walked up the concrete path to the front door and stood there a while, giving it a once-over, then doing the same to the door frame, then the potted plant to his right.

_What're you waiting for?_ Kensuke asked. _Aren't you gonna knock?_

"I dunno," Freakazoid replied, his face looking a bit wary. "I'm kinda nervous-I mean, it's been so long, what am I gonna say, how's he gonna react? I don't know! Aw, nutbunnies, maybe I should just turn around and go..." He then turned to leave, before swiftly turning back around, all nervousness having vanished from his expression. "NAAAAAH," he said with a dismissive wave. With that, he rang the doorbell before knocking on the door five times and then ringing the bell again.

"All right, all right, just a sec!" came a voice from the other side of the door. Soon it opened, and the person who opened it made his presence known. He was a man in his mid-to-late 30's with brown hair, horn-rimmed glasses, and a mustache. He wore a NERV standard uniform jacket for Technical Division 1 and a pair of black pants. "Sorry for the wait," the man said, "I was just getting ready to head into...into..." he trailed off as he finally noticed who his visitor was with great surprise.

"Hey there, buddy! How've you been?" Freakazoid enthusiastically greeted. "Can you believe it? Fifteen years! FIFTEEN YEARS! Boy, have we got some catching up to do!"

His mouth still agape, Dexter Douglas proceeded to react in a proper manner befitting his reunion with Freakazoid:

He fainted.

Noticing the noise, a woman around the same age with blonde hair, wearing a blue blouse and tan pants, came to the front door, where she noticed Dexter lying there with surprise. Her surprise increased when she noticed Freakazoid standing across the threshold.

"Steff!" he exclaimed as he gave her a quick hug. "Boy, the years have been great to you, how are you?! Oh, don't worry about Dexter, he just fainted, it's okay."

Steff, her mouth still agape, then picked up the phone on the small table next to the shoe rack and dialed a number.

"Hello, Hitomi?" she said as she spoke into the phone. "Steff Douglas here. Listen, Dexter's going to be a bit late getting into work today...No no, it's nothing serious. An old...friend of ours just stopped by."

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
I'd say things are off to a pretty good start, don't you think?**

**The little language lesson that is this chapter's teaser is my continuation of two similar segments from season one of ****_Freakazoid_****: "Frenching with Freakazoid" from episode 4, and "Conversational Norwegian" from episode 5.**

**Freakazoid's emphasis on 'fifteen years' parodies Jeremy Piven's "ten years" line from 1997's ****_Grosse Pointe Blank_****.**

**More to come...**


	14. Episode 13

**Announcer:**

**"Please stand by."**

**...**

**"****_Please_**** stand by."**

**...**

**"Please stand by."**

**...**

**"Please, please stand by."**

**...**

**"Please stand by, pretty please."**

**...**

**"Please stand, by."**

**...**

**"Please sit...Sit up!...Simon says: sit up!...Simon says: stand...Simon says: jump up and down...Simon says: stop!...Jump up and down again!...Whoops! Simon didn't say it...Please. Stand. Bye!"**

**Episode 11 - Back in the Freak-in' U.S.A, Part 2**

Freakazoid, Steff and Dexter all sat in the living room, with Dexter having recovered thanks to some timely smelling salts usage. He and Steff each had a cup of coffee while Freakazoid explained where he'd been all this time. (We'd go into more detail of how he explained it, but due to being anxious about moving the plot along, let's just say how he described it involved using a bizarre combination of _Pictionary_, Charades, and _Cranium_.) Finally, Freakazoid talked about how he'd re-emerged, in his own particular manner.

"Oh yeah, let me introduce you to my new friend Kensuke here," Freakazoid said as he stood up. "Freak in!"

With that, he was enveloped in a flash of light and static, and Kensuke stood in his place. He looked sheepishly at the Douglases, who did a double-take from Kensuke to themselves and back.

"Uh, hi there," Kensuke greeted with a slight wave. "Kensuke Aida. Nice to meet you."

"Wait, Aida, you said?" Dexter asked.

"Um, yeah, why?" Kensuke replied.

"Are you related to Toshio Aida, by any chance?" Dexter asked.

"Yeah, he's my dad," Kensuke answered. "You know him?"

"We frequented a lot of the same chat rooms in college," Dexter explained, "Sometimes we meet up online for a multiplayer session of _Nethack _for old times' sake. But how'd you bond with Freakazoid?"

"I found a circuit board with a Pinnacle chip at a used electronics shop in Tokyo-3," Kensuke said. "I took it out, installed it in my console, this weird code sequence appeared when I started it up, I tried deleting it, and, well, zap!"

"Funny, that's what happened to me," Dexter commented.

"By the way," Steff chimed in, "I just noticed, you speak English very well for being in America for the first time."

"Oh, that?" Kensuke said. "I play a lot of online multiplayer campaigns with gamers all over the world. It helps to be a bit bilingual."

"Mom? Dad?" came a voice from out of the hallway. "Is somebody here?"

At that moment, a girl around Kensuke's age with sandy blonde hair came into the living room. She was wearing a black Foo Fighters t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of black Converse sneakers. Kensuke had to admit to himself, she did look cute.

"Uh, who's this guy?" the girl asked her parents as she regarded the bespectacled otaku curiously.

"Oh, uh..." Dexter hesitantly started to say, "he's, uh...well..."

"An exchange student!" Steff said suddenly. "He's visiting from Japan. Kensuke, this is our daughter Ashley."

_WHOA!_ Freakazoid marveled from within the Freakazone. _They have a kid?! WOW, I've REALLY been gone a long time._

"Uh, hi, nice to meet you," Kensuke said as he held out his hand, which Ashley reluctantly took and shook.

"An exchange student, huh?" Ashley said as she eyed her parents. "First time I've heard you were hosting. Sounds _way_ too sudden and convenient..."

"Um, well, uh..." Dexter struggled to elaborate.

"That is, you see..." Steff tried to help.

_Something tells me she's one of those 'sees right through everything' kids,_ Freakazoid commented. _Might as well let the cat out of the bag. I'm sure they've told her about me at least._

_If you think so..._Kensuke responded. "Ooooh, Freak Out!"

With that, Kensuke was once again enveloped by a flash of light and static, and where he once stood, now stood Freakazoid, grinning as always. Ashley's jaw dropped when she saw him.

"You-you're-!" she attempted to say.

"Well hey there, kid, you must be Ashley, good to meet you!" Freakazoid said enthusiastically.

Ashley did a double-take from Freakazoid to her folks and back. She then looked at her parents, still surprised.

"He's real?!" she asked. "He's really real?!" She was nearly at a loss for words as both her parents nodded. "Omygoshomygoshomygosh-!"

"Easy, easy, settle down, settle down," Freakazoid urged as he held her shoulders while she took a deep breath. She then spoke up again.

"My parents used to tell me stories about you, but I never thought..." Ashley said. "I always thought you were just an urban legend! Like the Mets actually having a winning season, or Paul McCartney recording a soup recipe backwards on _Abbey Road_."

"Well, I'm as real as real can be," Freakazoid affirmed. "I've just been out of the loop for a while."

"How do you know my parents?" the girl asked.

"_Very_ well," Freakazoid replied with a sense of nostalgia. "I was actually bonded to your dad while they were in high school way back when. Fun times, real good times."

"HOW did you bond with him?" she asked, wanting clarification.

"Already explained that several paragraphs ago," he answered. "Long story short, a glitchy Pinnacle chip turned him-and now, Kensuke-into the super-teen extraordinaire!"

"Pinnacle chip?" Ashley mused as she held up the pendant she wore around her neck. "You mean this thing?" She opened the pendant up, revealing the very same Pinnacle chip that first unleashed Freakazoid upon the world.

"NO WAY!" Freakazoid marveled, "You kept this?!"

"I figured it was better to have it away from the wrong hands," Dexter explained. "So I hid it for safekeeping." Freakazoid stared at Dexter, nearly dumbstruck, and then at Ashley.

"What can I say?" she said. "No one ever looks closely at a girl's jewelry."

Freakazoid then held his chin for a moment. "Something just occurred to me," he started to say, "how come my return's not blowing up all over the news? I haven't even seen a single headline mention me."

"We're as in the dark as you are," Steff answered. "Then again, you were in Tokyo-3, and from the chatter Dexter's heard on-base, Commander Ikari tends to keep a lid on anything that might leak classified info to the public."

Freakazoid, in that instant, then did something out of the _Seinfeld_ playbook, whenever Jerry learned of some nefarious deed perpetrated by his nemesis:

"Gendo!", he said with slightly gritted teeth and a briefly-clenched fist he pounded into his open palm. "That clinches it-something funny's going on with NERV, and I intend to find out."

At that moment, Dexter noticed the clock on the wall nearby. "Oh, boy," he said. "I really should get going. I've got to supervise some maintenance for our MAGI unit, and Ashley's planning on going to the mall with the pilots after their testing."

"Wait, there's _more_ EVA pilots?" Freakazoid wondered.

"Uh, yes," Dexter replied. "Aside from the three in Tokyo-3, the only other active-duty pilots in the world right now are here in Nevada, along with EVA Unit-04 and Provisional EVA Unit-05. Ashley's actually best friends with the two of them."

"Can I come with you?!" Freakazoid asked as he got on his knees, hands held together in a pleading gesture. "Please, pretty please with a Milk Dud on top?"

"I don't know..." Dexter said as he scratched his head. "How am I going to explain your being here?"

Freakazoid gave it some thought, his finger on his chin, until a light bulb went off as inspiration struck.

"Oh, darn it," Steff said, "the ceiling bulb just burned out." She then got out her phone and quickly set a reminder to change it.

"I've got it!" Freakazoid declared. "You tell them that I'm here as a celebrity motivational speaker! I mean, come on, lots of companies do it all the time, right?"

The Douglases looked at each other for a minute as they gave Freakazoid's suggestion some thought. Finally, they came to a decision.

"All right, you can come," Dexter said. "While we're on the road, I'll call ahead and let the base know you'll be here. They'll have a guest badge ready for you and everything. I'll tell them it'll be a surprise."

"ALL RIGHT!" Freakazoid cheered. "What're we waiting for then, let's move 'em out!" With that, the three piled into Dexter's car, and were soon bound for NERV-2. As Steff saw them off from the front porch, she shook her head slightly as she chuckled to herself:

"Welcome back, Freak. Hope the folks on-base can survive a day with you..."

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Freakazoid plays catch-up with Dexter and Steff, and we get to see a bit of their home life!**

**Their daughter's name comes from the ****_Freakazoid_**** fanfic "Freakazoid: The Reboot" by albinotanuki.**

**The backwards soup recipe riffs on a gag from a season 7 episode of ****_The Simpsons, _****"Lisa the Vegetarian", which in turn riffed on the urban legends surrounding the backmasking of certain Beatles songs.**

**As hinted in the conversation, like "NERV Gets Juiced", the next and final part of this little 'interlude' will see the debuts of Marie Vincennes and Mari Makinami in my second "Super-Wackos of EVA" story. They'll be joined, of course, by four of the other extra-canonical EVA characters I based at NERV-2.**

**Next chapter: Freakazoid's return to the USA concludes! And for the first time in three decades, a couple of very obscure ****_Freakazoid _****characters make their return!**


	15. Episode 14

**Episode 12 - Back in the Freak-in' U.S.A., Part Three: Return of the Hot Rods from Heck!**

The drive to NERV-2 was a bit uneventful, but Freakazoid recalled a lot of fond memories from the last time he (and Dexter) were in this particular part of America.

"Aaaah, now this takes me back," Freakazoid wistfully said. "I haven't been here since the first time I went up against Longhorn."

_The bull guy?_ Kensuke asked.

"Yep, he was a real mean one," Freakazoid answered.

"How'd it happen?" Ashley asked.

"Your grandparents, your uncle Duncan and myself were heading to my grandfather's place," Dexter answered. "Freak here got Duncan off my back for a bit by scaring him." Dexter chuckled at that memory. "Anyway, we were rolling along, when all of a sudden we're nearly run off the road by these remote-controlled hot rods."

"Turned out Longhorn was behind them," Freakazoid elaborated. "He was scaring motorists off so he could steal a nuclear missile being transported by the Air Force."

"Why'd he do it?" Ashley asked.

_Yeah, why?_ Kensuke also asked. _Stealing a nuke's textbook supervillain 101-what'd he want with it?_

"He was going to hold the city of Nashville hostage," Freakazoid nonchalantly answered.

Ashley blanked for a moment, as did Kensuke in the Freakazone.

"Oh-kaaaayyy," she started to say, "why just Nashville?"

"So he'd get a recording contract," Freakazoid replied.

Ashley did a double-take upon hearing this.

"Waitwaitwaitwait-you're telling me a crook who had himself surgically-altered to look like a steer nearly stole a nuke, JUST to become a country singer?"

Freakazoid smiled as he shrugged.

"Definitely one of the more...stranger motives I've seen in supervillains," Dexter said. Soon enough, he spotted their destination as NERV-2 came into view. "We're here."

Soon Dexter pulled up to the gate and showed his ID badge to the guard. Once the gate was opened, Dexter drove the car in and found his usual parking spot; from there, the trio got out and made their way to the lobby, where the receptionist at the front desk provided Ashley and Freakazoid with their guest badges. They then made their way to the bridge of NERV-2's Central Dogma, where Dexter had Freakazoid wait outside a moment so he could 'warm them up' for him. Dexter then swiped his badge and the doors to the bridge opened. Among the staff going about their tasks, four people in particular are somewhat important for our narrative purposes.

Sitting at three of the terminals were NERV-2's answers to the 'bridge bunnies' of Tokyo-3, all of whom were actually expats from that same city. Kaede Agano was the youngest of the trio, followed by Satsuki Ooi, and then by the bespectacled Aoi Mogami, the most senior of them. Satsuki also acted as something of a long-distance pen-pal to Makoto Hyuga in Tokyo-3, the two having known each other since junior high.

Looking over some data on a tablet was chief scientist Hitomi Kaga, who was one of the key NERV personnel helping Ritsuko Akagi develop the Dummy Plug system for the Evangelions. She was also in charge of the efforts to create artificial versions of the Angels' S2 engines, in order to provide Evangelions with an unlimited energy source and allow NERV to ditch the current setup for their power needs.

"*AHEM*" Dexter cleared his throat, getting the attention of everyone within as they turned to NERV-2's head of IT. "Uh, hey everybody. Sorry I'm late, but I do have a good reason." He paused a moment to give his next words some thought, before he resumed. "Remember that Siegfried and Roy tribute act we had here one day to boost base morale? Well, I brought someone who might just top that..."

Hearing his cue, Freakazoid then jumped right in with the most dramatic entrance he could think of.

"Ta-daaaaaaaa!" he sang as he waved a pair of jazz hands.

A multitude of gasps, 'oohs' and 'aahs' could be heard among the staff, much to the surprise of Dr. Kaga and the bridge bunnies.

"No way-!"

"He's back?!"

"Awesome!"

"Freakazoid's here?!"

"So cool!"

Dr. Kaga and the techs briefly looked at each other, confused.

"Wait, who?" Kaede asked.

"Oh no way, you've NEVER heard of Freakazoid?" a random technician asked.

"He was so awesome way back when!" another added.

"Best superhero there is!" added a third.

At that moment, NERV-2's resident EVA pilots, along with Ashley, entered the bridge.

On Ashley's right was Marie Vincennes, designated Fourth Child; she wore a black headband that held her long blonde hair together, a choker with a small female symbol hanging from it (along with matching earrings), and a short, blue light coat over a white top. Her personality was something of a reverse to Asuka (with whom she kept in touch with after the time the redhead spent training at NERV-2): around most adults, she seemed meek and polite, but with no one around, she was quite haughty and domineering. (Also, like Asuka, she was a PHD-wielding prodigy.)

To Ashley's left was Mari "Illustrious" Makinami, designated Fifth Child, who was a year or so older than the other two; she was half-British, wore a pair or red-rimmed glasses, and had her long brown hair tied into a couple of low-hanging pigtails, along with a violet headband atop her head. Her clothes had something of a 'private school' look to them, a deliberate fashion statement on her part. Between the two pilots, she was the more energetic, yet enigmatic and eccentric one, with some thinking she might be a little nuts.

Freakazoid turned around upon their arrival, and immediately got down to shake their hands. "And you must be the pilots, nice to meet you!" he greeted as he shook their hands, with his left one taking Mari's left and his right taking Marie's.

_Man, Shinji's gotta be the rarity,_ Kensuke noted. _I mean why is it that of all the pilots, four are all hot girls?_

"Wait, that hair, the outfit-you're really Freakazoid?!" Mari asked enthusiastically. "OMYGOSHOMYGOSHOMYGOSH I am SUCH a huge fan!"

Marie eyed her fellow pilot curiously, with one eyebrow arched. "How do you even know about the guy? He was like, _way_ before our time!"

"I've been a fan ever since seeing some old news footage online," Mari enthusiastically explained. "Since then I've trawled all over the web for any scrap of info on the guy! I even made up a whole scrapbook of his exploits!" She then turned back to Freakazoid. "And now I'm finally meeting him! Shaking hands with Freakazoid! Breathing the same air-!"

"Geez, Mari, settle down," Ashley calmly urged her friend. "You'll blow whatever fuses are left in that head of yours."

Dr. Kaga then stepped up to address the wacky wonder.

"Dr. Hitomi Kaga, an honor to meet you," she greeted as she shook hands with him. "My old college mentor, Prof. Roddy MacStew, used to tell me so much about you."

"No way," Freakazoid said with awe, "you were Roddy's student? That's amazing!"

"Well here's a face I thought I'd never see again," an unknown voice sounded. The group then turned to see the voice's owner, a young man with brown hair in his late 20's or early 30's. He had a slight square jaw, and wore a red NERV officer's jacket similar to Misato Katsuragi's.

"Oh! Major! We didn't see you there," Dr. Kaga said with a bit of surprise. Freakazoid immediately went up to meet the man with no small amount of recognition in his smiling face.

"I'd know those boyish good looks anywhere," Freakazoid said, "Toby Danger, I can't believe it! I haven't seen you since you were this high!" He lowered his open right hand to almost above his waist.

"Been a while, Freakazoid," Major Danger replied as he shook the hero's hand.

"Wait, you know him, sir?" Satsuki asked.

"Freakazoid sometimes teamed up with me and my family whenever Dr. Sin reared his ugly head around D.C.," the major said. "I was mighty shocked when you disappeared. After Second Impact, I decided to follow your example to help others. I enlisted in the army and then joined the U.N. forces for a while, then I was recruited by NERV to be this base's chief tactical officer."

"Speaking of, how's the family these days?" Freakazoid asked.

"Oh, both Dad and "Dash" are retired," Toby answered, "and Sandra works in PR. But enough about me, where've you been all this time?"

"Ah, I was stuck in the internet for a while," Freakazoid said. "Then somehow I wound up in Tokyo-3 and have been fighting crime-and the Angels-there ever since."

"Wait, you were in Tokyo-3?" Aoi asked. "And you fought Angels? How come we haven't heard anything over here?"

Freakazoid's brow furrowed a bit before he answered. "Dexter and I have a theory or two on that, but it all points to Commander Ikari keeping things coming out of Tokyo-3 _suspiciously_ quiet."

"Figures," Toby added. "Not the biggest fan of the guy, even though he's our boss. Way too secretive for the head of a U.N.-backed NGO tasked with protecting humanity. You're lucky that our current base commander's out of the country on business right now-he's one of those 'anti-vigilante' sticks-in-the-mud."

"Eh, there's a few of those in every superhero story," Freakazoid mused. "Anyway, think you can give me the grand tour?"

"For you, certainly," Toby replied. "At least of the non-classified sections, including the EVA cages."

"Great!" Freakazoid said. Toby then addressed Mari and Marie.

"Since you two are done with your testing, you're free to go for the rest of the day," he said.

"Thanks!" both pilots said, and soon they, along with Ashley, headed off the bridge, where they'd exit the base and get dropped off at the nearby mall by a Section-2 detail. Freakazoid soon broke off with Dr. Kaga, Major Danger, and Dexter as they led him through the more open portions of the base as his tour began.

**A mall on the outskirts of Las Vegas proper, a short while later...**

"So your parents KNEW Freakazoid?!" Mari asked with wonder.

The three girls were sitting on the ledge of a fountain in the center of the mall's ground floor, sipping on smoothies after they'd perused a few stores.

"Apparently," Ashley replied, careful not to divulge that not only did her father know the guy, but also that he and Freakazoid were, for a time, one and the same. "My dad was sort of like his Jimmy Olsen."

"Wasn't your dad a big computer geek with no social life back then?" Marie asked incredulously.

"That too, so he also was Freakazoid's 'guy in the chair'," Ashley said.

"So why was Freakazoid stuck in the Web for fifteen years?" Mari asked.

"Supposedly he was stopping the Y2K Bug from wreaking havoc on New Year's Eve of '99," Ashley explained, "and when the systems upgrades started up, they closed off his exits, so he couldn't get out." She paused a bit, knowing what was next. "Then Second Impact happened, so a lot of systems were down for a while."

"As we all know, thanks to our oh-so-dedicated history teacher..." Mari hinted at, just before the wavy lines appeared as a flashback began...

**A classroom at Wayne Newton Junior High, early in the school year...**

Ashley, Marie, and Mari all sat in the same middle row as their history teacher finished writing his name on the blackboard. He was a middle-aged man in his late-30's or early-40's, slightly stocky with long-ish hair. He wore a dark gray shirt under a brown blazer with elbow patches, tan slacks, and brown loafers. He turned to address the class.

"Welcome," he greeted, "to Contemporary American History 10. I'm Mr. Kinnis. Y'know...a lot of people think that history's just about facts. A massive infodump about the past...But not me, oh no. Me? I hold history very, VERY sacred." He held his hands, slightly clenched into fists, to his chest as if for emphasis. "Like how a blacksmith looks at his vat of molten metal and holds it sacred...Or the way a screenwriter holds his script sacred...The way fans of Star Trek hold the series sacred...That's how I feel about history." He then brought one of his hands down as he continued to slightly gesticulate with the one that was still up. "SO! Why don't we dive right in, by interpreting one of the easiest events that occurred in the last fifteen years of American history...Now, can someone here tell me, WHY we pulled our troops out of the fighting in South America during the Post-Impact War?"

Most of the students showed hesitation as they looked among themselves for someone to raise their hand. Eventually, Marie did. Mr. Kinnis motioned for her to go ahead and give her answer with his hand.

"The signing and adoption of the Valentine Cease-Fire Treaty on February 14th, 2001," Marie began to explain, "in addition to halting all battles occurring around the world, led to a number of immense and unprecedented political changes, the biggest of which was the expansion of the governing powers of the United Nations and the lessening of the sovereignty of the nations that made up the Pre-Impact U.N. Security Council. Under the newly-empowered U.N., all fighting forces ceased their operations and were ordered to immediately pull back from their conflict zones for reassignment and reorganization."

There was a pause that followed, until Mr. Kinnis looked up at the rest of the class.

"Is she right?" he asked the class through slightly-gritted teeth. "'Cause I know that's the _popular_ version of why our forces stopped. I know a lot of people like to _believe_ that..." He slowly paced a bit as he spoke. "I wish I could, but I was there. I wasn't here in a classroom, hoping I was right, thinking about it..." At that point he became quite irate, and began shouting, almost at the top of his lungs, almost a few feet away from Marie's face, startling the rest of the class. "I was up to my knees in Brazilian jungle undergrowth, with MRE's that tasted like mud! Going in there, looking for hostiles, slugging it out with 'em, while sissies like you were back here watchin' _That's So Raven_, playin' with Tomagatchis, wearin' Heelys, and listening to the idiotic Backstreet Boys CD's! UUUUHHHH! UUUUUUHHHHH!"

"WHOAH! WHOAH! Take it easy, teach!" Mari said as she jumped in, deploying her patented cheeriness to calm him down. "I mean cut us some slack, a lot of us weren't even born yet. And even if we'd been around back then...well, I'd definitely say I'm more of a lover than a fighter."

**The mall fountain, present day...**

"Thank goodness the school board had him take a long vacation," Ashley commented. "I don't know if I could've taken any more of that."

"No kidding," both pilots agreed as they took another sip of their respective smoothies.

The three girls then heard footsteps approaching them. "'Scuse me?" a voice asked with a slight drawl. "Would any of you three like ta take a survey?"

"Sorry, pass, enjoying some frozen fruity goodness right now," Marie said dismissively.

"WITH a protein boost and antioxidants!" Mari cheekily added.

Ashley, of the three of them, deigned to look up at the source of the voice. Her eyes went wide as she looked upon the group of guys wearing strange robes standing in front of them. The robes all had the same symbol, a yellow flame with points of light radiating from it. Ashley slightly ribbed both her friends, causing them to look up. Their eyes also went wide upon seeing the robed newcomers.

"Uh, guys," Ashley worriedly said, "I don't think they'll take 'no' for an answer."

**NERV-2, a few minutes later...**

"And here we have the prides of this base," Dr. Kaga said as she, Freakazoid, Dexter, and Major Danger entered the EVA cages. There, Freakazoid gaped at the sight of the Evangelion units currently locked in place. Unit-04, Marie's EVA, looked like a mostly-silver-colored version of Unit-01 with a horn-less head. Mari's EVA, Unit-05, was the light gray and green-colored provisional model, and a different thing altogether: its upper body looked like a regular EVA, though its arms were fully mechanical, with hands were 'claws', the right of which was holding a large spear similar to the kind of lance used by a jousting knight. Its lower body consisted entirely of prosthesis, with each of its "legs" being four appendages each equipped with a wheel at their end, and thrusters to help it maneuver.

Freakazoid then noticed a third EVA, which looked like a black version of Unit-04.

"What's this one?" he asked. "I see three EVAs, but you've only got two pilots."

"Evangelion Unit-03," Major Danger explained. "It was actually completed before Unit-04 at Boston's NERV branch. We've had it here mainly for testing purposes, but of late the Marduk Institute still has yet to find a pilot candidate for it."

"Marduk Institute?" Freakazoid wondered.

"It's the arm of NERV's backers, the UN Human Instrumentality Committee, that's in charge of pilot selection," Dr. Kaga elaborated.

"Sounds awfully fishy to me," Freakazoid commented, "why that is, I can't quite put my finger on it..."

At that moment, Kaede came running up to the group, a tablet in her hands.

"Major! It's urgent! You have to see this!" she cried as she held up the tablet, which was playing a live newsfeed. Everyone took a look and gasped at what was being reported.

"Just moments ago," the reporter said from the scene of the mall, "three teenage girls-identified as local Wayne Newton Junior High students Ashley Douglas, Marie Vincennes, and Mari Makinami-were kidnapped from the Bellagio-Lite Plaza Shopping Center by members of the Light of the Divine, a cult that worships the alien menaces dubbed "Angels" by the UN agency NERV. Eyewitnesses saw the cultists leading the three girls into a white van-"

"ASHLEY!" a very worried Dexter cried.

"You're kidding, you have these guys here in America too?" Freakazoid wondered.

_I should've mentioned,_ Kensuke voiced from the Freakazone, _the Light's got chapters all over the world. Apparently the American chapter's just as notorious as Japan's._

Major Danger immediately got on his radio as he began barking orders. "I want all Section 2 agents prepped and ready for pursuit," he commanded, "this is a priority alert! We need to find the pilots and Lt. Douglas's kid and get them back, STAT!"

Dexter then grabbed the front of Freakazoid's collar desperately. "You've got to save them! We can't lose our pilots, but I _really_ can't lose Ashley!"

Freakazoid gently lifted Dexter's hands off as he handed his former alter-ego a paper bag to breathe into. "Don't worry old chum, I'll have her and the others back here safe and sound before you know it! No way am I letting them do anything to those three, especially the girl who's become something like a niece to me."

_You've only known her a day,_ Kensuke noted. Freakazoid then got into a heroic pointing pose as the camera did an angled close-up on him.

"To the Freakmobile!"

**One spinning transition (complete with Freakazoid's grinning face zooming in and out) later...**

The tires of the Freakmobile screeched as the odd vehicle zoomed out of the hidden exit under the Nevada desert and onto the road, while a Neal Hefti-like instrumental played in the background.

_Why didn't you tell me about the secret garage full of Freakmobiles?!_ Kensuke asked with astonishment.

"I completely forgot I had it," Freakazoid said. "Haven't thought about it since the Longhorn fight. Now, I just need to plug in the frequency of the Pinnacle chip in Ashley's pendant, and we'll be right on track!"

Soon the tracker located the vehicle Ashley and the pilots were in, and the wacky wonder made his way to catch up to it. Section 2 was still behind, since the Freakmobile was just that fast. Freakazoid, unfortunately, hadn't counted on the two additional cars the Light had to keep nosy drivers away. The car driving behind the van pulled out briefly to try and run the Freakmobile off the road, _Ben-Hur_-style, but Freakazoid was having none of it.

"Oh, wiseguys eh?" Freakazoid mused amusingly. "Well, wait'll they get a load of me..."

Freakazoid zoomed along the side of the car and managed to get in front of it. From there, he pressed a button on the dashboard and activated a telescoping robotic arm. The arm stretched an unbelievable distance as it went skyward. It then arced and landed in China, specifically the Huairou District. From there, the arm grabbed a section of the Great Wall, the very same section of wall that Freakazoid used to deal with one of Longhorn's remote-controlled hot rods (evidenced by the cracks that had, years prior, been sealed with no small amount of cement). A security guard, who'd been present for when this happened before, stood there shocked as the piece was carried off a great distance westward.

"Not again!" the guard lamented. "Oh, I am SO fired..."

The arm finally came back stateside, piece of wall in-hand, and proceeded to lay it right on the road-just as the car was a few feet away from it. The car's occupants screamed in surprise before their vehicle crashed into the wall, at which point the airbags deployed. With one car taken care of, Freakazoid then turned his attention to the car acting as the van's escort in the front. The Freakmobile zoomed past the van and pulled ahead of the front car, and once there, Freakazoid pressed another button on the dashboard. The 'trunk' of the Freakmobile opened, and another robot arm, this time holding a TV set, extended out towards the car behind it, just as the set turned on.

**"And now, it's time for..."** the announcer voiced from the TV set as the picture came into focus, **"seven hours of ****_The Wendy Williams Show_****!"**

To the shock of the car's occupants, the car itself seemed to cry out in fear as its horn blared. The vehicle soon swerved off the road, almost as if it wanted to get as far away as possible from the schlock daytime TV, and to the further surprise of the cultists inside, the car's battery went dead as soon as it was off-road.

"All right, now for the main course," Freakazoid said as he pulled alongside the van. Pressing yet another button, another robot arm appeared, this time with a buzzsaw in-hand that proceeded to cut off a doorway-sized hole in the side of the van. The piece soon went flying off, revealing the stunned faces of both the kidnappers and the three girls. As soon as the arm retracted, Freakazoid turned on the Freakmobile's autopilot and opened up the passenger side's door, undid his seat belt, and stood outside the vehicle with a hand outstretched.

"Hop in if you want to live!" he called out to Ashley and the pilots dramatically (and in a hammy way). Sensing an opportunity when they saw it, Marie and Mari both incapacitated the cultists on either side of their trio with some well-placed Judo chops and then stood up. Ashley went first, and Freakazoid pulled her in quickly, an action he then repeated with Marie and Mari as the three girls all squeezed into the Freakmobile, with Mari riding shotgun while Marie and Ashley got in the back seat. Freakazoid then turned the autopilot back off and made a quick U-turn, zooming off in the opposite direction. The van swerved and followed it, joined a minute later by the car that'd had its battery go dead after a quick replacement was made.

This wasn't lost on the three girls as they looked in the rearview mirror.

"They're gaining!" Marie exclaimed.

"What do we do?!" Ashley asked desperately.

"First off," Freakazoid began to answer, "ya might wanna buckle up." The three girls did just that as they all fastened their seatbelts. "Secondly, see that little red button, Mari?"

Mari looked to where Freakazoid was pointing, which was indeed a little red button. "This one?" she asked.

"Yep," Freakazoid answered. "Push the little red button." Mari did just that, and soon the vehicle slightly changed shape, as a couple of small 'wings' appeared on the sides while a couple of ludicrous-looking turbo boosters appeared out of the back. "Hang on, ladies, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!"

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding meeeeeeee-!" Marie got out as the Freakmobile jumped to near-ridiculous speeds, to the point where it wound up driving on the ceiling of a tunnel filled with traffic. The van and the car were left in the dust as they pulled to a stop, with the cultists having got out, their leader hopping mad as he shouted after the Freakmobile.

Ashley and Marie's screaming stopped after a few minutes, while Mari reveled in feeling the G-forces on her as the Freakmobile continued to speed through the tunnel upside-down.

"WHOOOOO-HOO!" she cheered. "Best car chase EVER!"

"Are you serious?!" Marie bemoaned.

"Y'know, I hate to make myself sound old," Freakazoid began to say, "but you kids today really need to learn how to relax, learn to get every bit of joy out of life." He then plucked out a CD from the holder above him. "You like music?" He then popped it into the player, and soon the Freakmobile was filled with the sounds of Aretha Franklin:

**_So jump right in, it ain't no sin_**

**_Take a ride in my machine_**

"OOH! I love this song!" Mari exclaimed as she started to sing along:

_"City traffic movin' way too slow_

_Drop the pedal and go...go...go!"_

Freakazoid soon joined in, his fingers tapping on the steering wheel:

_"We goin' ridin' on the freeway of love,_

_Wind's against our backs!_

_We goin' ridin' on the freeway of love,_

_In my pink Cadillac..."_

Ashley suddenly noticed an arrow signal sign coming up fast in front of them.

"Freakazoid-!" she quickly warned. Just as quickly the Freakmobile zoomed to the left of the sign and passed it, with Freakazoid and Marie continuing to sing along.

"You do realize Aretha Franklin's really old for our tastes, right?" Ashley asked.

"Old?" Freakazoid answered back. "Got it all wrong, kid-with the Queen of Soul, it never gets old!"

Soon the Freakmobile found enough space to drive off the ceiling and back onto the road, as it shifted back from its more aerodynamic mode. The Freakmobile then broke through a toll gate, with Freakazoid tossing a coin into the collection slot just as they passed through.

"What's gonna happen to the cultists?" Marie asked.

"Them?" Freakazoid said. "I called in a favor, they'll be looked after for a bit until the police arrive."

**On the other end of the tunnel...**

The cultists continued to bemoan their stroke of ill fortune, fuming that the pilots had slipped their grasp. Then, as if karma couldn't make things worse for them, a trio of semi-trucks surrounded them and their vehicles all of a sudden, like one would circle the wagons back in frontier times. The cultists then noticed the door of the biggest of the trucks open on the driver's side. A few cultists gasped when they recognized the name printed on the truck itself:

Bessie Mae.

The driver was soon in front of the cultists, some of his fellow truckers at his side. He was a very large, burly man, but what really frightened the cultists was when they took notice of his head. A head that strongly resembled a steer, complete with horns and a large nose ring.

"Well well well, whaddya say, boys?" a grinning Longhorn asked menacingly. "Feel like softenin' up these doomsayin' varmints before the cops get here?"

A few of the truckers cracked their knuckles a bit, while one quivering cultist nervously swallowed.

**NERV-2, minutes later...**

Dexter, Steff (who'd come as soon as she'd heard), Major Danger, Dr. Kaga, and the bridge bunnies were anxiously waiting outside NERV-2 when the Freakmobile quickly pulled up and opened its doors. Ashley immediately leaped out and enveloped her parents in a hug, which they returned in kind.

"Are you all right?!" he asked his daughter.

"We were so, so worried!" added Steff.

"I'm fine, really," Ashley replied. "Though I think I wanna hold off on learning to drive for a little while."

"Ditto for me," said Marie as she proceeded to 'hug' the ground below her. "AH, sweet terra firma! I'll never treat you like dirt ever again!"

"Can we do that again?!" Mari asked eagerly as she looked at Freakazoid. Everyone but her and Freakazoid visibly swallowed nervously.

"How'd things go over here?" Freakazoid asked Major Danger.

"We managed to catch the guy who tipped off the Light about where the pilots were headed," Toby replied as he pointed to a disgruntled-looking engineer being held by a couple of Section-2 agents; for some reason, he almost resembled the photographer from _Apocalypse, Now_, complete with a headband. "Turns out he was a mole for them the entire time."

"That's right, hotshot, you think you're so smart?" the mole taunted. "Well, ya didn't plan for everything! I've still got a bomb wired to go off in the next five minutes, planted right in the most volatile thing on-base! It's gonna be game over for you unbelievers, man!"

That inspired a new level of fear in almost everyone.

"Wait, what'd he mean? What's volatile?" Freakazoid asked.

"Oh no-the artificial S2 engine!" Hitomi realized. "He must've slipped it in there just as we'd finished putting it together!"

"I'm on it!" Freakazoid said as he sped off. He then came zipping back, confused. "Ummm, which way to the lab?"

After Hitomi gave him some quick directions, Freakazoid sped off again and made it to the lab, where he found the object of his search: the large red orb that was the experimental artificial S2 engine, constructed from the remains of the 4th and 5th Angels' S2 organs. Freakazoid then spied the long fuse that'd been lit, sticking out of the top of the orb. The wacky wonder quickly lifted the sphere up and immediately dashed out of the lab and outside, zooming past all manner of base personnel along the way.

"One side! 'Scuse me! Comin' through! Big explody ball here! Gangway!"

Soon he was outside the building and running for a more open spot he could ditch the orb. Of course, he ran into all manner of obstacles as he manically dashed throughout the city: a woman with her baby in a stroller, a Salvation Army marching band, tourists outside the Mirage, a gaggle of Elvis impersonators. Everywhere he ran, he couldn't find a spot to ditch the thing. Even a family of quails crossing the street proved to be a nuisance.

"Aw, nutbunnies," Freakazoid complained, "some days you just can't get rid of an unstable power core!" Looking to his right, Freakazoid was then struck by inspiration, and he soon ran off in that direction. Moments later, a large explosion was heard.

Dexter, Ashley, the pilots, and Toby drove towards the blast site with a feeling of both sheer urgency and dread. As soon as they parked, they got out and looked at the crater left behind.

"Freakazoid!" Dexter called out. No response was heard.

"Freakazoid!" Ashley and the pilots called out.

"You rang?" a grinning Freakazoid asked, causing the others to jump at the sight of him right beside them.

"How-?" Mari started to ask.

"Funny how the people of Nevada tend to forget this state's atomic age history," Freakazoid said as he pointed with his thumb to the entrance of an old underground bunker he'd just come from. Upon doing a double-take from Freakazoid to the bunker and back, the others all let out one big collective sigh of relief.

**NERV-2, minutes later...**

The group had reconvened to compare notes, and also for a different purpose: to bid farewell to Freakazoid. While the loss of the artificial S2 engine was disappointing, the fact that multiple lives were saved far outweighed concerns for that particular project, one that could no longer be replicated.

"You sure you can't stay a bit longer?" Ashley asked.

"Trust me, I do miss home," Freakazoid said, "but right now I think Tokyo-3 could use me for just a smooch longer. (Plus, I don't think Kensuke'll last here long without a student visa or something.)" He then turned to Dexter and Steff. "Great seeing you two again. I'll be back, no worries. Take good care of Ashley, you've got a really great kid here."

"Thanks," Dexter said as he shook his former alter-ego's hand.

"Good luck on your end," Steff added, to which Freakazoid nodded. He then turned to address the pilots, Toby, Dr. Kaga and the bridge bunnies.

"For once, I'm gonna be serious here," Freakazoid said. "Keep your ears to the ground. Something's up with NERV, and I'm gonna find out why. Gotta warn you, whatever I uncover, you're probably not gonna like."

"We'll be here if you need anything," Toby said as he shook Freakazoid's hand.

"Thanks," Freakazoid said, before shifting back to his goofy self. "*WHEW!* Man, I don't know how the guys of the Arrowverse do that all the time." He then took a small pair of scissors and cut off a small strand of his hair, which he then handed to Mari. "For your scrapbook. My treat."

Mari beamed a huge smile as she was handed the lock. "My hero," she said wistfully before she fainted, her falling form caught by Marie (much to her chagrin). Marie rolled her eyes before looking back at Freakazoid.

"Do me a favor," the Fourth Child said. "Tell Asuka I said 'hi'."

"Not a problem!" Freakazoid said with a two-finger salute. "So long for now, good ol' U.S. of A! Will write soon!" With that, the wacky wonder bolted west, heading back to the land of the rising sun.

Suddenly, Toby's phone rang, which he promptly picked up, seeing as it was an incoming call from the base commander.

"Yessir?" he greeted as he answered it. Soon a look of surprise appeared on his face. "New orders? What's..." The chatter then continued, causing Toby to become even more surprised. "I see. All right then, I'll get on it. See you when you get back." With that, he hung up and turned to the gathered staff.

"Was that the general?" Hitomi asked.

"It definitely was," Toby replied. "New orders just came from up high."

"What're the orders?" Aoi asked.

Toby hesitated a bit before answering. "As of now, we're to prepare Unit-03 for transport. It's been ordered shipped to Tokyo-3."

**A small neighborhood in Los Angeles...**

Before Freakazoid sped off fully towards Japan, he stopped a moment when he noticed a garage sale. Four objects on one table stood out to him in particular. They were small statues, with odd names sculpted on their bases: "Baffeardin", "Honna", "Huska", and "Young Quist". Freakazoid then turned his attention to the proprietor of this garage sale.

"'Scuse me," he started to ask, "what's the story on these?"

"Oh, those things?" the proprietor replied. "Really strange. They've changed so many hands over the years, it's impossible to figure out what the deal is. I thought my lawn could use some decoration, but I just realized I needed to mow it, so I'm putting these up for sale."

"I'll take them," Freakazoid said. "How much do you want?"

"For those?" the proprietor said. "You can have 'em for a quarter, I don't think they're worth much."

Freakazoid flipped a quarter into the woman's hand and soon sped off, his new purchases in-hand.

_What'd you buy those things for?_ Kensuke asked curiously.

"Something tells me that, with the right motivation, these four'll come in _real_ handy," Freakazoid answered. As if to further hint at this mysterious purpose, the statue labeled Baffeardin, looking our way, winked.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Freakazoid's visit home concludes, and now he's heading back to Tokyo-3...**

**Much of this chapter is a big callback to the ****_Freakazoid_****, season one episode "Hot Rods from Heck!", which introduced Longhorn.**

**I already explained the presence of the extra-canonical EVA characters in the previous chapter. Given Mari's characterization, I figured she'd make a good Freakazoid fangirl. Her fangirling-out moment, in particular, riffs on the final episode of ****_Freakazoid_****, "Normadeus", where Freakazoid has a similar reaction when meeting Norm Abram.**

**Dexter's 'gonna top it' line riffs on the early ****_Family Guy _****episode "Holy Crap!", where Peter winds up bringing the Pope to work.**

**The tactical ops director for NERV-2 is none other than a grown-up Toby Danger, the Johnny Quest parody from episode 2 of ****_Freakazoid's _****first season. Before ****_The Venture Brothers_****, there was "Toby Danger in: The Doomsday Bet". Funnily enough, three of the voice actors from the actual ****_Johnny Quest _****franchise (Don Messick, Granville Van Dusen, and Scott Menville) lent their voices to this spoof.**

**Ashley's mention of her dad being Freakazoid's Jimmy Olsen is an in-joke about David Kaufman, Dexter's original voice actor who also voiced Jimmy in another Warner Brothers cartoon from the same time period, ****_Superman: The Animated Series_****.**

**The flashback in the classroom is a parody of a scene from the 1986 Rodney Dangerfield vehicle ****_Back to School_****, with Mr. Kinnis being based on the late Sam Kinison's Prof. Terguson.**

**Freakazoid's 'To the Freakmobile' and the ensuing dramatic exit riff on the beloved 1966 ****_Batman _****show starring Adam West. The show (and its theatrical feature spinoff) is also riffed on with the exploding S2 core sequence.**

**The drive through the tunnel is a homage to a similar scene from the first ****_Men in Black _****movie.**

**The cultist-slash-mole is the same Dennis Hopper caricature that appeared in ****_Animaniacs _****and its associated shows. His 'hotshot' line comes from another movie parody from ****_The Critic_****, in this case "Speed Reading".**

**And finally, the four statues Freakazoid buys before leaving America are in fact the Lawn Gnomes, who appeared in ****_Freakazoid_****, season one, episode 4 as a parody of ****_Gargoyles. _****They're definitely going to have a role to play in Freakazoid's soon-to-be fight against SEELE and Gendo's respective machinations.**


	16. Episode 15

**Announcer: "And now, here to address a random reviewer question is Paul Harvey."**

The camera then opened on Paul Harvey, once again leaning on his desk, a paper in-hand.

Paul: "Just who is Marie Vincennes? Who is this golden-tressed young lady that pilots a colossal robot in her spare time? Let's review!"

A montage of images then followed as Paul went into detail about the EVA pilot who appeared in the previous chapter.

"Fourteen-year-old Marie Vincennes, sometimes called Maria Vincennes, is the first extra-canonical character created for _Neon Genesis Evangelion_. Her surname comes from the name given to four different United States naval vessels over the years, all of which have been long since decommissioned. Marie debuted in the card-based role-playing game _Neon Genesis Evangelion RPG: The NERV White Paper_. Written by Mitsuhiro Nakazawa and released on April 20th, 1996, the game consists of a 138-page rulebook with story outlines and 20 pages of cut-out cards, plus a map of Tokyo-3 acting as the game board. In addition to Marie, two new Angels not seen in either the _Evangelion_ series or manga were introduced, known as Barakijal and Iblis. The game itself, in terms of narrative, follows most of the _Evangelion_ canon up until the battle with the 10th Angel Sahaquiel, before the focus shifts to Barakijal and Iblis.

Within the context of the game's narrative, Marie is an American EVA pilot lacking in actual combat experience. Like Asuka Langley Sohryu, she is a young prodigy with a PHD. While around most adults, she acts meek and polite, but should one find oneself in a room alone with her, they would learn that she is in reality a haughty and domineering young lady. She is designated the Fourth Child in the game's narrative, deviating further from the canon as the game did not feature either Evangelion Unit-03 becoming possessed by the Angel Bardiel or Toji Suzuhara being recruited by NERV to act as its pilot. Because of her origination in a role-playing game, her character aside from those details remains a blank slate to this very day, leaving any imaginative fans able to come up with their own takes on this obscure character from the _Evangelion_ franchise.

And now you know...The Rest of the Backstory.

...

...

Good day."

**Announcer: "And now, our next chapter."**

**Episode 13 - HunterxHunted, Part 1**

Gendo sat in his usual pose, his fingers tented in front of his face, as if they were a mask to guard his reactions. It was a gesture he'd utilized for years when dealing with the Committee, and today would be no different. Or would it? Whichever outcome it would be was made evident as soon as the familiar holographic monoliths came into view in the darkened room, and a voice sounded from the one numbered '01'.

"Ah, Commander Gendo Ikari," a voice with a smooth Spanish accent greeted. "At last we meet. I've heard so much about you."

Though he didn't show it, the new voice had taken Gendo by extreme surprise. "You're not Kihl," he stated.

"No, I am indeed not," the voice replied. "I am not Lorenz Kihl in a number of ways, one of which being that I am dispensing with this paltry charade for all future meetings. I feel as if we cannot all be on the same page if we do not show it in our faces, don't you agree, gentlemen?"

By that cue, the monoliths vanished, revealing the faces of the four other main members of the Committee, who seemed reluctant to do so. '01's' was the last to vanish, revealing the face of SEELE's new leader to the commander of NERV for the first time. It didn't take long for Gendo to recognize the eyepatch-wearing visage.

"Armando Gutierrez," Gendo said. "This is indeed a surprise."

"You know of me," Gutierrez, once again wearing a business suit, said in turn.

"I'm well aware of the technological assets NERV has acquired over the years," Gendo replied. "Apex Microchips was one of the earliest purchases made, back in the days of the Artificial Evolution Laboratory."

"Yes, it does please me that my former company's assets have been put to such..._noble_ use in the years since my 'ouster'," Gutierrez commented.

"Still, this does beg the question," Gendo began, "How are you at the head of SEELE now, and what exactly has happened to Kihl?"

"_Two_ questions, if I may correct you," Gutierrez answered. "For the first, it was a simple matter of making Kihl an offer he could not refuse. As for the second, let's just say that he will be..._somewhere else_, for the forseeable future..."

**A remote part of the internet, a day or so earlier...**

Kihl looked around at his strange surroundings. He was completely awestruck by what he was seeing-to think, here he was, a live human being, seeing the inner workings of the internet. More astonishing to him was that he had regained some measure of mobility within this electronic environment, and no longer needed the chair that he'd been forced to leave behind, after Gutierrez had digitized him.

However, this did not quell the anger he now felt, as his precious scenario for instrumentality was now threatened by Gutierrez's untimely coup.

"Gutierrez, if I ever get out of here, I swear..." Kihl started to declare threateningly, as he shook his fist. Before he could finish his sentence, he was interrupted by the approaching sound of footsteps. The old cyborg turned to see two men, both of whom looked like police officers of some sort. Their uniforms were mostly blue, with red across the upper chest and shoulders, on their hats, and on their boots. They wore yellow gloves and belts, along with small communications earpieces. On their chests were a black circle with the letters "IP" in the center.

"Are you Mr. Lorenz Kihl?" the officer on the right asked.

"...Yes?" Kihl answered. "Why do you ask?"

"We're with the Internet Police," the officer replied as he held up a device that had a manacle of some sort on its tip, "and we're placing you under arrest for attempted villainous monologuing."

Kihl was aghast at hearing this. "WHAT?!" he exclaimed as the officer activated the device, which then extended and caught his neck in its grasp. "You can't do this to me! I have my rights!"

"Tell it to the judge," the other officer said. Moments later, the banging of a gavel was heard as internet court convened. The judge overseeing the trial looked like a portly, balding man with a mustache.

"How does the defendant plead on the count of attempted villainous monologuing?" the judge asked in a vaguely Southern accent.

"Plead?!" Kihl exasperatingly exclaimed. "Spare me this mockery of judicial procedure! Someone cease this idiocy immediately and call me a lawyer!"

"Okay, you're a lawyer," one of the arresting officers said.

"WHAT?!" Kihl asked with befuddlement. His confusion was interrupted by the banging of the judge's gavel.

"Ah sentence you to either thirty days in county jail..." the judge declared as he pointed his gavel at Kihl, "OR...thirty _minutes_ listening to the Fanboy Program."

"_What_ in the world is a Fanboy Program?" Kihl wondered bitterly, only to be answered when said program emerged into another spotlight. The program greatly resembled the real-life Fanboy in his younger years. He was a chubby teenager, with a few zits on his face (framed by black-rimmed glasses) and slightly unkempt black hair. He wore a large white t-shirt with a big purple circle in the center of the chest, with "FB!" printed on it in orange. Tied around his neck was a green blanket, acting as his 'cape'. He also had on a pair of red shorts, and on his feet were a pair of white tube socks with a little red band at the top. On his right wrist was a large digital watch, and clutched in his hand was a rolled-up comic book. To his left was a pile of role-playing game guides and an open pizza box. The program looked at Kihl with wide, curious eyes.

"Oh, wow, a real villain from a cyberpunk anime, cool!" he marveled, which unnerved Kihl greatly. "Y'know, I was just DM'ing Elwood on the Otaku Nation forums, and I told him I hadn't seen a good cyberpunk series since _Bubblegum Crisis: Tokyo 2040_, which is the much better 1998 reboot of the original 1987 OVA series. And what company it had when it came out! I mean, it was just three years after the two-for-one grand slam in both _Armitage III_ and the original _Ghost in the Shell_, which is truly the cyberpunk anime genre at its peak! No other anime has been able to live up to its trailblazing achievements..."

As if sensing where this may be going, Kihl panicked as he turned back to the judge. "Lock me up and throw away the key!" he practically begged.

**The meeting with the Committee, present day...**

"Something tells me I do _not_ want to know," Gendo stated.

"A wise choice, and a time-saver," Gutierrez said. "I do so like a practical man in my company. Which makes what I'm about to tell you that much easier."

"And that is...?" Gendo inquired, one eyebrow arched.

"Since assuming leadership of SEELE, I've been going over all the current..._initiatives_ our respective organizations have been engaged in, and have been looking to 'trim the fat' as it were," Gutierrez explained. "Obviously, with the current crisis involving the Angels-one of which, I am well aware, you currently have under observation-Project-E shall continue until the threat is ultimately neutralized. All that aside, I have introduced a number of sweeping changes to SEELE and its subsidiaries as a whole, the most important of which is simple: effective immediately, the so-called "Human Instrumentality Project" will be cancelled."

For the first time at a Committee Meeting, Gendo Ikari let his feelings be known, his reactions seen.

"...Say **WHAT?!**" he asked, wide-eyed with equal parts shock and bewilderment, in a voice loud enough that it could be heard from outside his office and two floors below.

"Exactly as I have said," Gutierrez clarified. "While the initial pitch was interesting, to say the least, the desired hypothetical outcome proved to be quite...incompatible with regards to my overall plans for the world. Combined with the sheer amount of capital wasted on such an endeavor, and it made my decision to ax the project altogether much more simpler. I shall elaborate on my plans in due time, but for now, all the money and resources previously allocated to furthering the Project will be reassigned to merely helping to end the Angel War faster. You shall have whatever you need to end this threat to mankind lickety-split, but we will ensure there is a tighter amount of scrutiny on NERV's activities. Especially yours, Commander Ikari, if your very..._shady_ reputation is anything to go on."

Gendo, still astonished by what he'd just learned, did his best to regain his composure as he resumed his usual pose. "I see," he said.

"Additionally, as you are no doubt aware," Gutierrez began to say, "before Second Impact, I frequently found myself at odds with the superhero Freakazoid, who I understand has taken up residence in Tokyo-3 of late. And that he has, on two occasions so far, come to NERV's aid against the Angels."

"That is correct," Gendo replied. "I personally wish to see that he no longer interferes with our efforts. I fear that he may damage our credibility in the eyes of the U.N. To that end, I've assigned Section 2 the additional task of bringing him in."

"Then we are both in agreement that he should be eliminated," Gutierrez nodded in agreement. "For that, I will be more than happy to provide additional assistance to you in your mission. In fact, I have recently brought in a, shall we say, independent contractor to undertake such an assignment. She will be arriving in Tokyo-3 in a few days. See that you provide her with your full cooperation. She has somewhat unusual methods, you see, but she does deliver excellent results."

Gendo nodded. "It will be done."

Gutierrez smiled at this. "Indeed it shall. Additionally, there is a new set of orders for you regarding the backlogged request for reinforcement that you made some time ago. It pleases me to inform you that this will be granted. I, through SEELE-05 here, have recently ordered NERV-2 in America to ship over Evangelion Unit-03 to Japan. I trust you will find a suitable pilot for it in no time?" Gendo gave a slight nod. "Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have new matters to attend to. Therefore, I hereby consider this meeting adjourned. Till we meet again..." Just before his hologram faded out, Gutierrez made the 'I'm watching you' gesture with two of his fingers, as a subtle warning to Gendo to not try anything funny behind SEELE's back. Soon the other holograms vanished, leaving Gendo alone as the lights in his office came back on slowly. Gendo turned his chair around to address the only other two people in his office, having been out of view of the Committee's members. Both Kozo Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko Akagi were stunned by what they'd just witnessed.

"I...I can't believe it..." Ritsuko marveled.

"Part of me felt like this day would never come," Fuyutsuki added, "but on the other hand, I'm very apprehensive about trading one evil for another, considering leadership of the Committee's been usurped by a known convicted criminal."

"One whose plans we're currently in the dark about, at that," Ritsuko said. "Still, if it means instrumentality's off the table, I'll play along for now."

"Just because SEELE's instrumentality project has been canceled," Gendo began sternly, "does not mean ours is."

Both Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko stared at Gendo wide-eyed.

"Ikari, are you serious?!" Fuyutsuki asked, appalled by what he'd just heard. "We have been handed an opportunity! An opportunity to make things right, to actually fight for the right reasons! Humanity won't need to suffer for our actions!"

"Irrelevant," Gendo said in turn.

"Listen to him, Commander," Ritsuko added as she defended the former professor. "We've just been given the biggest mulligan of our lives, and you're _still_ going to throw it all away?!"

"We have come too far for all of this, there can be no turning back," Gendo replied. "I cannot allow you to walk away that easily. Like it or not, you two must help me see this through to the end. Do I make myself clear?"

Reluctantly, the two of them looked to each other before turning back to Gendo, and nodded in affirmation.

"The we will speak no more of this," Gendo said. "The two of you will prepare for Unit-03's arrival and pull a pilot candidate from the available pool."

"What will you be doing then?" Fuyutsuki inquired.

"I will be speaking to Captain Chiron about meeting the mercenary Gutierrez spoke of," Gendo answered. "Dismissed."

**Tokyo-3 International Airport, a few days later...**

As soon as the aircraft stairs pulled up to the plane, the door opened and its passengers piled out. One of them was a very tall woman wearing a tan pantsuit and a matching long-brimmed sun hat, with a light gray overcoat hanging on her left forearm. As she descended the stairs, she could make out those who were waiting for her: a trio of Section 2 agents, one being Chiron, another Sato, and a third, who would be collecting her luggage. Sato held up a handmade sign with the name "Mumphry" on it, which indicated she was in the right place. They were standing in front of a Section 2-standard black SUV, with a trailer hitched to its back. Why it was needed was made known when a very large pet carrier was hoisted onto it and secured.

The woman eventually came up to Chiron, who opened the back door for her.

"Guess they're right when they say ya can't get good help these days," Chiron mused as the woman got in and sat down. The additional agent hefted the woman's two heavy suitcases into the trunk, winded from the effort as he and Sato then got into the front of the car. The agent could've sworn that he heard a low hissing coming from the carrier. As soon as everyone buckled up, the SUV and its cargo was on its way.

"I hear yers is the best 'help' money can buy," Chiron said. "I mean, youse wouldn't 'ave been hired if we really didn't need it. Now, don't take it the wrong way, I personally wouldn't have wanted a broad to handle this, but since youse came highly recommended..."

"Then you are quite fortunate that this particular assignment, once I was handed it, intrigued me greatly," the woman responded. "Though I normally work alone, I do understand we will be working together for this one, Mr...?"

"_Captain_ Iwao Chiron," the head of Section 2 introduced as he shook her hand.

"Mumphry. Jocelyn Mumphry," the woman introduced herself in turn. "Though on the job, you may call me...Boa-Magnon."

**To be continued...Bum bum BUUUUUMMMM!**

****Author's Note(s)****

**A villain-centric piece, with a twist I bet you didn't see coming!**

**The chapter's title (and that of its following part) is a riff on the long-running manga/anime franchise _HunterxHunter_.**

**Kihl's situation riffs on the segment "Limbo Lock-Up" from _Freakazoid's _ninth episode. (You'll see I renamed the Idiotic Police here.) There, Fanboy was actually yakking about Disney's box office bombs of the early '80's (_The Black Hole, Tron, _and _Something Wicked This Way Comes_) and how they led to the arrival of Michael Eisner and Jeffery Katzenberg at the House of Mouse. Him going on and on (or starting to) about cyberpunk anime was my idea. (And _Tokyo 2040 _happens to be one of my personal favorites.)**

**Boa-Magnon's arrival lampoons that of the title character from the 10th episode of season four of _Batman: The Animated Series_, "Bane".**


	17. Episode 16

**Episode 14 - HunterxHunted, Part 2**

Kensuke really wished he had his camera on right now, if only to document the sight at which he and many other classmates were bearing witness to the following morning at school-and the looks on their faces. For walking up the steps, to the collective surprise of the student body who'd known them for a while and of their tendency to be at each other's throats, were Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Sohryu...hand-in-hand, smiling at each other. Kensuke looked to two of his longtime friends, relishing in their reactions at the sight of the pilots-turned-lovebirds.

Toji was completely dumbstruck, his jaw hanging open, the very definition of 'no way' etched onto his face. Hikari was absolutely giddy; of everyone in the class, she was the ultimate shipper-on-deck when it came to those two. Kensuke figured the next words out of her mouth the next chance she had to speak would probably be a long, steady stream of "IknewitIknewitIknewit...!".

_Better get ready then_, Freakazoid suggested with a wink. Kensuke nodded as he dug his camera out of his backpack. Everyone got back to their seats as soon as Shinji and Asuka entered the building. When they eventually entered the classroom, they were met with a completely unexpected surprise: the other students bursting into applause. The two pilots were speechless, AND Kensuke was getting it all on video. The pilots looked to each other, eyes wide.

"Think we should've waited to tell them?" Shinji asked.

Asuka thought about it for a moment, before a smile appeared on her face. "Naaah," she said with a dismissive hand-wave. "Just makes it easier for me to do this." With that, she slapped a name tag onto Shinji's shirt. Written on it in big, bold letters (and in her particular handwriting) was **Sorry girls, he's taken**. Shinji looked at it, and then back at Asuka, with one arched eyebrow.

"What?" Asuka said, playfully feigning innocence, "It worked for John Lennon."

Seeing the tiny bit of logic in that, Shinji smiled back, nodded, and then went to his seat, Asuka following him to her own. The moment she sat down, Hikari tapped her on the shoulder, getting the redhead's attention.

"I want _all_ the details after class," Hikari implored with a whisper, the beaming smile still on her face, "and don't mince on anything!"

Shinji, on the other hand, got nudged by Toji from the back, making him turn around. "Shin-man, you are a braver man than any of us," the jock quietly congratulated. "You somehow tamed the devil _and_ lived to tell about it. I'd humbly bow before you right now, but this is too comfortable a sitting position for me."

Before Shinji could muster a reply, the teacher was halfway through the door. "STAND! BOW! SIT!" Hikari ordered as her instincts kicked in, making the others go through the usual routine.

**NERV HQ, that same morning...**

"We're getting another unit? Seriously?" Misato asked with astonishment.

"That's the word from up high," Ritsuko replied. "So the U.N.'s arranged for its transfer here in the next few days."

"Really weird, if you ask me," Misato said, "especially since the U.S. practically begged to build it and Unit-04. Wonder what changed their mind?"

"Oh yeah, they didn't tell you yet," Ritsuko said. "NERV-2 had a close call a couple of days ago. First some members of the Light of the Divine's American chapter nearly kidnapped the Fourth and Fifth Children, and then the base almost got destroyed by a bomb made out of the artificial S2 engine they built."

Misato's eyes went wide on hearing the news. "You're kidding," she said, bewildered. "How'd they dodge those two bullets?"

"With a little help from our resident man-in-tights," Ritsuko answered. "According to our colleagues over there, Freakazoid paid his home country a quick visit just in time to avert disaster. And you know what makes NERV-2 even luckier? I looked at the data on their project's progress and did some projections-if they'd gone through with activating the engine, they still would've been goners. They would've been caught in the equivalent of a smaller-scale Second Impact."

Misato whistled at the prospect of that nightmare scenario.

"Thank goodness for Mr. Wacky then," she mused with relief.

"The White House then signed off on Unit-03's transfer later that day," Ritsuko continued.

"Understandable," Misato commented, "So once it gets here, how's the activation test gonna work? Is this where the Dummy Plug'll be tested?"

"Still figuring that one out," Ritsuko replied.

An hour or so later, Ritsuko was speaking with Gendo as Rei underwent another memory upload. Regarding the Dummy System, Gendo ordered Ritsuko to have it installed in Unit-01 and 02, despite her protests over its problems that were still present. As for the activation test of Unit-03 once it arrived, it was determined that it would be done at Matsushiro, and that a pilot would be selected, and that they had one in mind. By the time the conversation ended, Rei's upload had also finished. When Gendo asked Rei if their dinner plans were still on, Rei politely informed him that they would need to reschedule, informing him of her small housewarming party that afternoon at her new apartment. Upon hearing this, the Commander merely arched an eyebrow, before allowing her to continue on her way. Privately though, he was disturbed by this unusual break in their routine.

_First SEELE is usurped by Gutierrez, who cancels the Human Instrumentality Project..._Gendo thought to himself. _Now Rei opts for a small gathering at her new residence in lieu of our usual dinner. So far, neither impacts my scenario, if all goes according to plan, but I must remain vigilant. With SEELE's resources in his hands, there's no telling how much of Gutierrez's reach will extend into the heart of NERV. And the more Rei interacts with others...No, she has assured me she remains loyal to my designs. Yet still..._

**Rei's new apartment, a half hour or so later...**

Rei's housewarming party was in full swing, with her friends having arrived a few minutes ago, each carrying with them a small gift or a platter of food. The gifts themselves were either small appliances like a toaster or a blender, or some decorative tchotchke like a poster or a statue. Rei opened the box of one item in particular, given to her by Toji.

"What is this?" she asked as she lifted the item out for all to see.

"It's a food dehydrator," Toji informed her. "My dad bought it a while back, thinking he'd get around to trying to make his own beef jerky. But when he got called to work more and more, he never even opened the box. Later on, he just set it aside for the next time we'd have a garage sale."

"So you decided to pawn it off on Ayanami, did ya?" Asuka sarcastically said.

"Watch it, you-ow!" Toji said before Hikari lightly ribbed him. "Anyway, it's all yours now."

"Thank you, Suzuhara," Rei said, "though I personally do not eat meat."

"Oh, it's okay," Hikari chimed in, "you can use it on other foods too! Vegetables, fruits...I'd be happy to share some recipes if you like."

Rei smiled at Hikari's offer. "I would appreciate that," she said.

Shinji regarded some of the items set up around the apartment curiously. "Say, where'd you get some of this other stuff?" he asked. "It seems a bit..."

"Kitschy?" Asuka finished.

"I accompanied Aida and Yamagishi to a swap meet yesterday," Rei answered. "While they browsed around at certain book and collectibles tables, I busied myself with looking for objects that might help give more personality to my dwellings."

"I'll admit, maybe we should've helped her with some of the selections," Mayumi said, as she eyed a floor lamp in the shape of the Warner Bros. Studios water tower. The others followed, as their collective gaze shifted to a coffee table with some old manga magazines spread across it and a large replica of the 'Kramer' portrait above the small sofa. Hikari then noticed something out of the corner of her eye next to the TV stand.

"What're these?" she asked as she went over to the box in question. As soon as she thumbed through its contents, her eyes went wide with surprise. "Oh, my..." she said.

"What? What's got you all hot n' bothered?" Asuka asked as she joined her. When she looked at the items, she arched her right eyebrow. "You're joking."

"What is it?" Shinji asked. Asuka then brought the box forward and held up the contents for all to see. In her hands were a few old issues of the Japanese-language edition of _MAD_ magazine. The others did a quick double-take from the box to Rei and back.

"I didn't know you read this," Shinji said.

"I do not," Rei replied nonchalantly. "The woman who sold me the television stand included them as a bonus, free of charge."

"You really oughta give 'em a look," a grinning Toji said while he flipped through a few pages of one issue, "they're hilarious! My dad subscribed as a kid."

"Oh yeah, I've seen these now and then," Asuka said as she took a look at the issue in her hand, fiddling with the fold-in at the back page. "When I was training at NERV-2, Mari would be cackling all the time while reading an issue. I could barely get to sleep thanks to her. She always called it an 'American institution'."

"What does the magazine cover?" Rei asked curiously, her head tilted.

"It's basically a rag that uses comics to make fun of stuff," Asuka replied.

"Celebrities, movies, TV, politics," Kensuke said as he counted off on his fingers, "you name it, it's a guarantee they've spoofed it and more."

"According to Mari, for a while it had an 'older brother' of sorts for adults-what was it called again?" Asuka asked, a finger holding her chin as she looked up briefly. "Oh yeah, _National Lampoon_."

Toji and Kensuke's eyes seemed to light up when Asuka said those two words.

"As in _Animal House_?" Toji eagerly asked. "I love that movie!"

Rei looked down at the box and regarded it more curiously, even if it didn't show in her face. "I will give reading these some thought," she said.

After a while, the party wrapped up and everyone went their separate ways-though Shinji and Asuka simply walked next door, due to being Rei's neighbors now. Kensuke headed downstairs and immediately found an alley to duck in.

_Patrol time?_ Freakazoid asked eagerly.

_Patrol time_, Kensuke replied. "Ooooh, Freak Out!"

In a flash, Kensuke was replaced by Freakazoid, who went off to do his usual rounds.

**Above the streets of Tokyo-3, late afternoon/early evening...**

While Freakazoid zipped around town, a new face prowled the rooftops of Tokyo-3, eyeing the hero's every move. The new face was a woman built like an Amazon, with long, flowing, jet-black hair, almost reptilian-looking aqua-green eyes, and a very light blue skin complexion. She wore what could only be described as the watered-down, Saturday morning-equivalent of the usual garb of the likes of Shanna the She-Devil, Sheena: Queen of the Jungle, and Rima the Jungle Girl all put together (with a sensible pair of boots to match). She carried with her weapons from a much simpler time, before gunpowder was but a twinkle in its inventor's eye. At this point in our narration, the announcer took over.

**Announcer: "Beware, Freakazoid, for terror stalks this city! Terror that wears leopard print!"**

The woman leapt to another rooftop, never taking her eyes off of her red-clad prey.

**Announcer: "Her real name, as revealed last chapter, is Jocelyn Mumphry, only daughter to one Royce Mumphry and the former Audrey Manatee. But when on the job, this predator-for-hire is known across the globe by the name...Boa-Magnon!"**

Boa-Magnon then came to a stop at the perch of one building as she peered over, eyeing Freakazoid while he ran in his 'flying' stance.

**Announcer: "Yes, Boa-Magnon: strong, swift, cunning, and also, quite cultured and sophisticated."**

Boa-Magnon then stood up and addressed us in a typical socialite pose.

"I'm a semi-frequent contributing writer for _Vanity Fair_," she explained, following with a snooty, upper crust-sounding laugh. She then turned her attention back to Freakazoid as he bounded around a corner, and continued her pursuit.

**Announcer: "Only one hero can possibly stop Boa-Magnon. Only one hero has the courage to face this fearsome foe. That hero is..."**

The focus then shifted to a silhouette of what appeared to be the _Mangaverse_ Spider-Man on another rooftop, facing off with some goon in shadow.

**Announcer: "...based on a character owned by a rival company and starring in a fanfic written by author GainaxVel3o."**

At hearing that, the 'wall-crawler' looked our way and expressed, via body language, a general feeling of 'What was _that_ for?'.

**Announcer: "Thus, we have no choice but to turn to Freakazoid..."**

On the ground, Freakazoid was running along making swooshing sounds when Sgt. Kusagabe caught up to him and rolled the window down.

"Hey Freakazoid," the policeman began to say, "wanna go see the 'Eastern Amateurs of Cosplay' costume contest?"

Freakazoid stopped making his sounds and turned Kusagabe with a very eager face. "WOULD I?!" he replied enthusiastically.

_Not again..._Kensuke bemoaned.

Soon enough, Freakazoid and Kusagabe were in the audience at a plaza where the contest was underway. The contestants were dressed like their favorite manga, anime or video game characters, and the quality of their costumes varied from expert-level to a few...quickie DIY's.

"Wow," Freakazoid marveled. "They put such craft into getting them so authentic, it's amazing."

"Yeah, these kids sure are talented," Kusagabe commented. "By the way, there's some jungle-themed mercenary woman running around the city. You'll probably want to keep an eye out for her."

"Think so?" Freakazoid asked. "There's a lot of people in costume here, she'd probably blend in right away to make it easier."

Boa-Magnon, listening from a rooftop perch nearby, gave herself a slight face-palm upon hearing this.

"Why _didn't_ I think of that earlier?" she asked herself. "Well, it can't be helped now." She then got out one of her primitive weapons, a blowgun, and opened a pouch containing the darts that were her ammo. After loading one, she took aim of Freakazoid and got ready to blow.

The moment she launched her dart, Freakazoid noticed something on the ground. "Ooh, 500 yen!" he noted as he bent down to pick it up. Thanks to this, Boa's dart missed him and wound up in the backside of a cosplayer dressed like Takamura from _Hajime No Ippo_.

"Huh?" the cosplayer said as the dart began to affect him, causing him to sway a bit while a slightly beatific expression appeared on his face. "Woah, whoah, nighty-night..." he slurred while he collapsed, his rear sticking up in the air as he nodded off to sleep. The crowd, noticing this, immediately started to panic. Kusagabe turned and began working on crowd control.

"Everyone, remain calm," he commanded the crowd, his tone unchanging. "We'll have this under control in a moment, just slowly back away, this is now a crime scene."

His words didn't seem to register, as the crowd kept inching towards an even bigger panic.

"HEY," Kusagabe said, pointing a finger at the crowd, "CUT IT OUT!"

That had the strange effect of getting everyone to calm down.

Freakazoid noted the dart in the cosplayer's backside, and quickly made the trajectory estimate that led to the rooftop perch where Boa was. The blue-hued huntress, in turn, decided to switch tactics and got out her bow and arrows. She then took aim and fired off five arrows, which then zipped towards Freakazoid. Thinking quickly, Freakazoid grabbed the shield off of a guy dressed like _Fire Emblem's_ Marth.

"SorryI'llbringitbackthankyou!" Freakazoid quickly said as he held the shield up in front of himself. The minute he did, all five arrows hit all five 'gems' on the shield.

"You gotta be kidding! Do you know how long it took me to make that?!" the cosplayer cried, upset at how the object of his hard work had been ruined. An additional arrow embedding itself in the ground right in front of his toes caused him to change his tune immediately. "On second thought..." he said as he took a big step back.

Freakazoid ditched the shield and then zoomed his way up the building to where Boa was located. Boa, anticipating this, readied her spear and pointed it forward, causing Freakazoid to put on the brakes (complete with the accompanying sound) as he came to a stop just millimetres from the point of the spearhead.

"WHOA! Things almost went pear-shaped for a minute there," Freakazoid noted as he looked our way.

"At last we meet, Mr. Zoid," Boa said with her upper-class tone of voice. "It is an honor and a privilege, I must say, to meet the man who so bedeviled my parents many moons ago."

"Huh?" Freakazoid said with confusion. He then took a closer look at his opponent. "You look familiar-have we met?"

"Not really," Boa replied, "though you knew mum and dad quite well in your time."

Freakazoid then took a closer look at Boa, and then suddenly it hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Hey, mind using a different analogy?" he said as he looked our way, an annoyed look on his face. Right then, different analogy...[oh, heck with it, I'll ditch the analogy]...and then suddenly, it came to him as he made the connection.

"Your parents-you don't mean-" Freakazoid started to say.

"Yes, quite," Boa finished snootily. "Way back when, you knew them by their respective _noms de guerre_ of 'Cave Guy' and 'Cobra Queen'. I happen to be their daughter. Call me Boa-Magnon."

Freakazoid seemed puzzled. "Boa-Magnon?" he asked. "I don't get it."

"Oh, you will," the mercenary said, "especially once you meet Ja-Burr."

"Who's Ja-Burr?" Freakazoid asked, before hearing a loud hissing sound. Soon he felt his legs being constricted, as a strangely-colored thing began wrapping around him, rendering him immobile. Freakazoid soon got his answer when the head of a gigantic snake appeared in front of him, its tongue darting in and out.

"Oy, with the coiling, and the constricting, and the hissing..." Freakazoid rattled off. (Heh, 'rattled' off...)

"_He_ is Ja-Burr," Boa said with a grin.

"Ooooh, now I get it!" Freakazoid said. "Boa constrictor, cro-magnon, yeah that's clever, it works...By the way, gotta say, you speak pretty eloquently for a lady dressed like a jungle Xena."

"Thank you," Boa replied. "I'm a graduate of Bryn Mawr."

"Soooo, what brings you to Tokyo-3?" Freakazoid asked.

"Just business," Boa replied. "An interested party hired me to capture you and bring you in, nothing more. And as you no doubt notice, my methodology speaks for itself." She eyed her spear briefly. "Guns are just so...noisy, so uncouth. Early man's weapons of the hunt were so elegant, in a way, for their simplicity, their craftsmanship, and also, their silence. But I'm getting off on a tangent here..." With that, she collapsed her spear and stowed it in its sheath, and then got out another pouch and opened it up. She then got out a small pinch of some strange, purple powder.

"Uh, oh-kaaaayyy, what've you got there?" Freakazoid asked.

"This powder," Boa replied, "is made from the petals of a very rare jungle flower, which, combined with a dash of nutmeg and a small helping of cocoa, makes for a very effective sleeping agent. One that works just like this..." She then blew the powder into Freakazoid's face, making him cough a bit. Freakazoid then shook his head, but soon began to feel the effects of the powder as his eyelids began to grow heavier.

"*YAWN* Huh? Aw, nutbunnies, did someone turn that *YAWN* Ken Burns 'history of paddle*YAWN*ball' documentary on again?" Freakazoid said as he drifted off to sleep in the grip of Ja-Burr. Once she was sure that the wacky wonder was out cold, Boa then pressed the button on her earpiece.

"Captain Chiron? Boa-Magnon here," she said into the mic, a victorious smile on her face. "The prey's been bagged. We're bringing him your way right now..."

**To be continued...Bum bum BUMMMMM!**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Our hero captured?! What will happen next?! (Of course you'll find out next chapter, why do I even ask?)**

**Asuka's bit with the name tag riffs on the Beatles' 1964 performance on ****_The Ed Sullivan Show_****, where at one point when the members' names are flashed on-screen, John's said underneath in parenthesis 'Sorry girls, he's married'.**

**The food dehydrator Toji gives Rei is a nod to the Lobe's gift from the season 2 episode "The Freakazoid", which Cosgrove immediately calls dibs on.**

**The floor lamp is modeled after the water tower from ****_Animaniacs_****, while the Kramer painting comes from the 1992 ****_Seinfeld _****episode "The Letter". ****_MAD _****magazine will play an important part in Rei's development in this story...**

**Boa-Magnon's intro in this chapter riffs on her own father Cave Guy's in the main segment of the very first ****_Freakazoid _****episode, "Dance of Doom". The 'web-slinger' cameo-ing is a shout-out to GainaxVel3o's fanfic "Shinji Ikari: The Amazing Spider-Man".**

**Kusagabe's initial tactic to get the crowd under control is a riff on Leslie Neilsen's in _The Naked Gun._**

**Freakazoid going "SorryI'llbringitbackthankyou!" comes from ****_Jackie Chan Adventures_****, which author Traitor of All Traitors is currently crossing over EVA with right now.**

**The name of Boa-Magnon's snake is a riff on Jason Burr, one of the main characters of the 70's Jack Kirby-penned DC comic ****_Kobra_****.**

**The Ken Burns documentary is a fictional one from the final episode of ****_Pinky and the Brain_****, the parody "Star Warners".**


	18. Episode 17

**Episode 15 - HunterxHunted, Part 3**

After waiting for what seemed like a week for the writer to get back to the story, Freakazoid slowly came to, and opened his eyes to find himself strapped down to an operating table.

"Whoa...where am I?" the wacky wonder asked as he regained some of his bearings.

_Some unmarked warehouse on the outskirts of the city,_ Kensuke replied. _That Boa lady and her snake brought you here. And whatever they've got planned probably involves that tray of surgical instruments over on the table opposite us._

Freakazoid looked to where Kensuke hinted at, and noticed said implements. He then noticed that he wasn't alone, since standing a few feet away from the table were Captain Chiron, Sato, and surprisingly, Gendo Ikari himself, with a reluctant-looking Ritsuko Akagi at his side.

"What's going on here? What're you planning to do with me?" Freakazoid asked as he strained against the straps.

"Sorry/not sorry, but WEE'LL be askin' the questions around here," Chiron replied. "Sato?"

"You're in OUR house now," Sato chimed in, trying to act tough, "and here, we have two basic rules. One, OBEY ALL RULES. TWO, do NOT write on the walls, as it takes a lot of work to erase the writing off of the walls..."

_*SIGH* Ikari sure did pick the best and brightest for Section-2, didn't he?_ Ritsuko thought to herself bemusedly while Sato continued to ramble on.

"*AHEM* If you could get to the point?" Gendo implored with no small hint of seriousness.

"Oh, uh, sure Commander, sure," Sato replied nervously, "*AHEM* Point being, if you're wise, you'll begin cooperating with us. If ya don't, we'll take the problem that is you and nip it, and I mean _nip it_ in the bud!"

Gendo rolled his eyes. "That will be all, Sato," he said as he started walking towards Freakazoid. "I have worked too hard and too long to let an x-factor like yourself throw a wrench into my plans. Whether you like it or not, this. Ends. NOW."

"Kinda laying it on thick with the ominous cliche there, aren't you?" Freakazoid asked.

Gendo held back his fuming with his patented combination veneer of cold, calm and collected before he responded. "Since you see yourself as a superhero," he said as he slightly adjusted his glasses, "and as we don't know your secret identity yet, we'll have to resort to another tired trope as a means of making you compliant. That being, your weakness."

"And you think you know my weakness?" Freakazoid asked incredulously.

Gendo merely smirked, before bringing out an object from behind his back. It was a glowing green crystal held by a steel chain.

"The purest Kryptonite," Gendo said, identifying the object as he held it close to Freakazoid. "Tell me, are you growing weaker? Perhaps feeling your strength ebb away?"

Freakazoid was unfazed, as he looked our way and rolled his eyes, while mouthing the words "Really? This again? Didn't he get the memo?". Before Freakazoid could respond, Ritsuko cleared her throat.

"Sir, that's Superman's weakness, not Freakazoid's," the scientist clarified.

**-X-**

At that same moment, in Misato's apartment, where its occupants were sitting on the couch together watching some TV, Asuka sneezed.

"_Gesundheit_," Misato said.

"You okay, Asuka?" Shinji asked with a hint of concern. "You're not catching a cold, are you?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine, really," Asuka said as she rubbed her nose a bit. Internally though, she was confused over where the heck that had come from.

**-X-**

Gendo looked back at Ritsuko, a hint of surprise on his face. "Really?" he asked.

"Yaaaah, DUH!" Freakazoid responded with no small amount of snark. Gendo merely glared at the wacky wonder before then glaring at the Kryptonite in his hand.

"*HHHH* Lousy waste of money..." Gendo quietly grumbled as he tossed the crystal aside. "Very well, perhaps...THIS!" He then took a glowing yellow cube out from behind his back. "Do you feel your will being sapped? Do you feel yourself being overcome by fear...?"

Once again, Ritsuko cleared her throat. Gendo slightly grimaced at the sound before he turned with a small grunt. "What is it _this_ time, doctor?" he demanded.

"That's Green Lantern's weakness, sir," Ritsuko pointed out.

**-X-**

Back at Misato's apartment, this time Misato herself sneezed.

"Oh come on, not you too!" Asuka said.

"It's all right, probably just a little dust in the air," Misato said reassuringly with a dismissive wave of her hand. _THAT was too much of a weird coincidence,_ the NERV ops director thought to herself, remembering Maya's little sneeze from the fight with the 12th Angel.

**-X-**

Gendo did a triple-take from Ritsuko to the cube to Freakazoid and then back to the cube, before letting out an exasperated sigh.

"Nutbunnies," he said as he then tossed the cube aside. He then reached down behind a crate, strapped on a fuel tank backpack and held up a flamethrower. "Then perhaps your weakness is something as simple as...fire."

Gendo then turned the flamethrower's wrath on Freakazoid, as Ritsuko, Chiron and Sato shielded themselves from the heat radiating from the stream of fire. "Are you melting?" Gendo asked in a sinister fashion. "Is it getting too..._hot_ to handle?" _Note to self,_ the Commander thought, _try and use more one-liners_. Gendo then turned the flamethrower off, allowing Ritsuko and the others to bring their arms down. All four were shocked by the sight of an unharmed Freakazoid, who somehow despite being strapped down had managed to get into a fireproof suit.

Freakazoid lifted off the head covering before he spoke. "Man, you _really_ don't get out much, do you?" Freakazoid said. "That's Martian Manhunter's weakness, not mine!"

**-X-**

At the Horaki household that very minute, all of a sudden Hikari sneezed to the side while she prepared dinner for herself and her sisters.

"Bless you!" Nozomi, the youngest Horaki, said.

"You feeling all right, sis?" Kodama, the oldest Horaki asked as she put down her book.

"I'm fine, guys, thank you," Hikari said, though mentally she wondered just what caused her to do that in the first place.

**-X-**

Gendo gave himself a slight face-palm before taking the backpack off and tossing the equipment off to the side. "Forget it, we're wasting time," he said as he turned back to Freakazoid. "Just what _is_ your weakness?"

"Yeah, not gonna tell you," Freakazoid said as he shook his head. He then looked our direction. "Believe it or not, folks, I _did_ learn my lesson from last time," he said, finishing with a wink.

Gendo scowled for a moment, before returning to his usual stony expression. "Very well," he said. "It appears we'll need to do this the hard way." He then turned to Ritsuko. "Dr. Akagi, put him under."

Ritsuko still felt reluctant as she nodded towards Gendo. Freakazoid had done a lot for them, and the people of Tokyo-3, in the short time he'd been in the city so far. Yet another part of her, the more pragmatic part, reminded her of the leverage that Gendo held over her. Thus, Ritsuko, with some hesitation, walked over to the side of Freakazoid's table and reached down for the mask connected to the nearby tank of anesthetic. She then held up the mask towards Freakazoid's face.

"I'm really sorry," she said as she moved the mask closer.

Freakazoid, on the other hand, had other ideas, as he proceeded to grab a mallet from out of nowhere as he sat upright.

"No, no, it's okay, I brought my own," he said before proceeding to whack himself on the head with it. Soon he was seeing stars spin around him. "Ooh, lookit the things, I've seen this in cartoons, around go, whoa, whoa, whoa..." Freakazoid then collapsed, seemingly unconscious.

Ritsuko, speechless, then looked our way. "Seriously? I finally get to do something in this chapter, and I get upstaged by an over-sized mallet? Unbelievable..." she complained while shaking her head, before muttering something about giving the writer a piece of her mind. [*Gulp*] Ritsuko proceeded to pick up a scalpel and then, with her back to us conveniently blocking the view of the top of Freakazoid's head, carefully cut along the scalp until it was open. Gendo then walked over to examine it for himself.

"Now then, let us see just what it is that makes you tick," he said as he reached with a gloved hand into Freakazoid's head (his back also conveniently blocking our view). Feeling like he hit paydirt, Gendo smirked as he proceeded to pull something out. When he and the others got a look at just what it was, all their faces immediately turned fearful. In Gendo's hand was a small ticking time bomb. Freakazoid then chose that moment to sit upright, undo the straps, hop off the table, and then unzip what appeared to be a suit over himself shaped just like...well, himself. [Look, it's a bit hard to describe exactly just what kind of costume it is without resorting to calling it a literal second skin, okay?]

"Get it? 'Cause it's ticking!" Freakazoid said in a smarmy manner. "You said 'let's see what makes him tick', and it's a ticking time bomb, get it? Bye!" With that Freakazoid dashed out of the warehouse, only to return momentarily and grab Ritsuko by the shoulders. "WHOOP-!" she managed to get out before Freakazoid zipped her out of the warehouse, leaving only Gendo, Chiron and Sato with the bomb.

Gendo, at that point, scowled in our direction. "I REALLY hate that guy," he growled, just before the timer reached zero.

***KA-BLAAAAM!***

When the smoke cleared, Gendo, Chiron and Sato, still standing in the same exact spots, were now covered in soot and ashes, their clothes ruined. On Gendo's face, an outline around his eyes and the bridge of his nose was left thanks to his glasses, which now dangled from one ear. Boa-Magnon chose that moment to leap down from the ceiling, and turned to address Gendo.

"I take it this means that my contract is being...extended?" the mercenary implied, her left eyebrow arched inquisitively and one hand on her hip.

"Uh-huh," Gendo slurred out as he slowly nodded his head, before collapsing onto his back.

Far outside the warehouse, Freakazoid dropped Ritsuko off on a small hill, where they both briefly looked back at the badly-shaken building.

"...Thank you," Ritsuko said as she eyed the building. "Are they-?"

"Ah, they're fine," Freakazoid replied reassuringly with a small wave of his hand. "It's cartoon physics, they'll be cleaned up by the time the next chapter comes around."

Ritsuko, blinking with surprise, briefly did a double-take from Freakazoid to our direction and back. "I...probably shouldn't overthink that one, should I?" she said. Freakazoid nodded affirmatively. "Thought so. Listen, I'm really sorr-"

"It's all right, the guy's probably got something on you, that's why you do what he says, right?" Freakazoid replied. "Don't worry, we'll figure a way to get you out of this."

"Somehow, I doubt it'll be that easy, even for you," Ritsuko said with a sigh. "You probably should get out of here."

"Thanks," Freakazoid said. "Before I go, mind answering a quick question?"

"Um, sure, what is it?" Ritsuko asked with one arched eyebrow.

"Where does Commander Ikari live?"

**Gendo's estate, moments later...**

Freakazoid appeared on the front lawn of Gendo's estate in a flash, and looked the place over briefly.

"Huh, for a guy tasked with safeguarding mankind from the Angels, he sure likes to live large," Freakazoid noted.

_Uh, I was gonna ask,_ Kensuke started to say, _what are we doing here in the first place?_

"Remember those statues I picked up on our way back from the States?" Freakazoid asked as he got out those same statues from somewhere on his person. He then laid all four of them in a row on the grass.

_Yeah, why do you ask?_ Kensuke asked in turn.

"Wait for it..." Freakazoid replied, as he looked towards the moon coming out of the clouds. The minute it did, the statues were covered in moonlight and soon began to move, to Kensuke's astonishment. After about a minute, the four former statues stretched their limbs and yawned, and looked up to find themselves facing Freakazoid.

"Hi, guys! Long time, no see!" he greeted. "Kensuke, meet Baffeardin, Honna, Huska, and Young Quist, the Lawn Gnomes! Jovial little buggers, ain't they?"

Kensuke, from within the Freakazone, stared at the quartet, speechless. _This just keeps getting weirder,_ he thought to himself.

"Ah, Freakazoid, you old nutcase," Baffeardin said, "haven't seen ye in years. What's goin' on this time that you had to bring us all the way to Japan?"

Freakazoid grinned. "Baffeardin, old buddy old pal, I've got a proposition for you all..."

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**I know, I know, pretty short period of time for Freakazoid in captivity, right? With him, being in ****_any _****form of captivity doesn't tend to last that long. But you all already knew that. ;)**

**Like I mentioned before, my take on Mike and Orion's Captain Chiron lampoons Jackie Gleason in ****_Smokey and the Bandit_****, while Sato is meant to parody Don Knotts on ****_The Andy Griffith Show_****.**

**Gendo trying to determine Freakazoid's weakness has him unintentionally make the same mistakes as Gutierrez in the season two episode "Hero Boy", with fire replacing water (the weakness of the Wicked Witch). This in turn leads to some nods to two of Mike's and one of Orion's Superwomen of Eva 2 stories: "Lone Heir of Krypton" (Asuka as Power Girl and later Supergirl), "Emerald Courage" (Misato as Green Lantern), and "Hunter's Legacy" (Hikari as Ms. Martian). Ritsuko clearing her throat before correcting Gendo riffs on Robert Wagner's No. 2 doing that to Dr. Evil in ****_Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery_****.**

**The opening of Freakazoid's head, and the explosive results, are lifted from the season one episode that debuts the Lobe, who in his segment attempted to lobotomize Freakazoid.**

**What the Lawn Gnomes will be doing at Gendo's estate will be elaborated on in due time...**


	19. Episode 18 - Musical Interlude 3

**Announcer: "...And now, a musical interlude."**

**-X-**

The camera panned out in a humble, square-attitude apartment from the TV set, while the familiar riff of "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers played in the background. As the shot fully zoomed out, we see the back of Freakazoid, sitting on the couch as he bobbed his head along to the beat. He was wearing a red cardigan over a white collared shirt. At that moment, he turned to look our way.

Freakazoid [in a crooner-like voice]:

_When you're alone, _

_and life is making you lonely,_

_you can always go..._

The shot then cuts to a head shot of Freakazoid, who now appeared to be clad in a metallic 'disco' jumpsuit version of his costume, with a white ascot around his neck, with a city block in the background.

Freakazoid:

_Down-town!_

The shot then returned to the apartment, as Freakazoid quickly flipped the newspaper in front of his face down, while a light flashed on and off on the back wall.

Freakazoid:

_When you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry_

_seems to help, I know..._

The shot then cut back (and got wider) to the city block, as Freakazoid (whose 'disco' suit was further revealed to include white platform boots) 'presented' with his hands the cityscape behind him.

Freakazoid:

_Down-town!_

Freakazoid then broke into a strut down the street while bystanders looked on curiously. Some wondered just where the heck the music in the background was coming from-more so when Michael McDonald-like back-up vocals started to be heard.

Freakazoid:

_Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city. __**(Listen to the mu-sic!)**_

_Linger on the sidewalks where the neon signs are pretty. __**(Neeeon siiigns...)**_

_Happy again...__**(Happy a-gainnn...!)**_

The shot then returned again to the apartment as Freakazoid took a tan overcoat off a hook and draped it over his shoulders.

Freakazoid:

_So may-be I'll see you there,_

_we can forget all our troubles,_

_forget all our cares, and go..._

The shot then returned again to the city streets, where Freakazoid continued his strut as all looked on, the McDonald-esque vocals continuing without interruption but still drawing confused looks, especially from the NERV staff and pilots we know who were out and about that day.

Freakazoid:

_Down-town! __**(Workin' by the by-ways!)**__ No finer place for sure,_

_Down-town! __**(Goin' downtown, yeah yeah yeah yeah...)**__ I can't wait to be,_

_Down-town...__**(Goin' downtown, yeah...)**_

_Don't sleep in the sub-way, darlin'!_

_It's a sign of the times..._

_Iiii know a place, that place is down-town! __**(Talkin' 'bout downtown! Goin' my way, yeah yeah...)**__ Down-town...!_

Freakazoid then turned and started strutting in the other direction.

_**(Talkin' 'bout all the traffic in the city, yeah yeah yeah, you goin' my way, sidewalk scenes and neon...)**_

Finally, Misato, the pilots and some other people looked to one street corner to see Michael McDonald himself, a microphone and stand in front of him and a set of headphones partially on his head. The Grammy-winner's singing reverie then stopped when he noticed the onlookers staring at him confusedly. McDonald, a sheepish smile appearing on his face, gave them a small wave and then split in the opposite direction, leaving both a cartoonish cloud of dust in his wake and his headphones in mid-air for the briefest of moments, before they fell to the ground.

The bystanders all looked at each other, still confused by what just happened. Finally, Misato looked our way.

"Michael McDonald, everyone!" she said with a shrug of her shoulders.

Ritsuko shouted after the singer. "I love your _Motown_ tribute album!"

**-X-**

**Announcer: "This concludes our musical interlude. We now return to our story."**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Apologies to RealRemainder, but I needed to get some brief filler up just to sate the readers here before I finally get to Bardiel. Anyway...**

**The musical interlude this time invokes the Canadian equivalent of ****_Saturday Night Live_****, ****_SCTV._**** Specifically, here we see Freakazoid fill in for Rick Moranis's Tom Monroe character in the latter's sketch from season four, episode six, "Moral Majority" (07/10/1981). Here, Monroe (a banal easy-listening crooner) sang a medley of Petula Clark songs over the tune of "What a Fool Believes", with Moranis also imitating Michael McDonald on back-up vocals. (Moranis, as Monroe, also did hilariously interesting takes on "Turning Japanese" by the Vapors and "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da" by the Police. The context was that these were 'promotional videos' shown on the fictional program _The Gerry Todd Show_ (title host also played by Moranis), which was all about music videos _months_**** before MTV even debuted!) The Michael McDonald 'cameo' was my idea.**


	20. Episode 19

The camera opened on BennettTheSage sitting behind a desk, with a chart next to him.

BTS [feigning enthusiasm]: "Hello, folks, I'm BennettTheSage, host of Anime Abandon on YouTube, here to tell you all about FanFiction's quite fascinating ratings system." [Begins pointing at the chart.] "Now, if you wanna read a fanfic alongside everybody, even your little brothers and sisters, if it's rated K, then there's no danger of them being exposed to all manner of 'coarse language, violence, or adult themes'." [Adds a small plus sign next to the K.] "Now, if it's rated K+, then despite a lack of adult themes, there may be some stuff, items and things unsuitable for kids ages 5-9. So the little kids you're probably babysitting right now have to go to bed a little early." [Removes the cutouts of the little kids, then puts a 'T' over the K+.] Now, if the fanfic's rated T..."

Freakazoid [starting off in a whisper]: "Yo! Sage!" [BTS turns in the direction of Freakazoid, who'd just walked over to his desk.] "We're ready to get the chapter started, you're gonna have to wait."

BTS: "Hang on a sec, all right? Just let me finish, it's important that all the otakus reading this see it."

Freakazoid [insistent]: "Later."

BTS: "But-"

Freakazoid [very insistent]: "LATER." [Grabs the chart and tosses it off-stage.]

BTS [slightly disappointed]: "Ah, nutbunnies." [Rests his chin in his left hand as he looks our way.]

Freakazoid [looking our way]: "And now, the next chapter!"

**Episode 16 - Angels with Unlucky Numbers, Part 1**

Gendo awoke the following morning, thankful that he'd been able to sleep off the humiliating events of last night. After getting up, fixing himself a very simple breakfast, and showering, he moved to get dressed for the day. When he opened the closet door, he inspected its contents, noting each uniform in its place. It was then that he noticed something very off. It took him a minute, but then he realized what it was:

Every single pair of pants was missing.

This was very jarring for the commander of all of NERV. He kept every bit of his personal details and activities to a tight schedule and a specific order-everything in its place. This, however, ran counter to his usual routines. Frustratingly, he went over to his drawers, and found that even the pairs of casual pants were gone. Only one garment in that category was still there though-a little-worn pair of Bermuda shorts. Letting out another frustrated sigh, Gendo resolved that those shorts would have to do. Finally, the front door to his home opened and he stepped out, dressed like he normally was every day, save for the choice in pants. His car and driver were waiting at the end of the walkway for him, the driver reading the paper to pass the time. Gendo began walking towards the car, failing to notice the rake that had been mysteriously placed in his path. As soon as he stepped onto its metal head, the handle quickly rose up and hit him right between the eyes.

**THWACK!**

Gendo slightly winced, and then let out a low, frustrated grumble. He then turned to the left to try and walk around the rake, only to somehow step on another rake that'd been placed there as well.

**THWACK!**

Gendo grumbled again, and turned to head to the right to walk around the center rake. Once again, a conveniently-placed obstacle struck.

**THWACK!**

Gendo grumbled yet again, and this time simply kicked the center rake out of the way and continued down the path until he reached the car, which his driver opened the door for him to enter. Neither one had noticed the gnome-shaped new additions to Gendo's front lawn, or that they appeared to be snickering behind his back as he left. The driver did not question his boss's unusual choice of attire or the incident with the rakes as he started up the car and headed towards NERV HQ.

When the doors to Central Dogma opened up that morning, Gendo drew a number of surprised and confused stares from some of the staff within. That was for the briefest of moments, as they quickly turned back to their tasks at hand, not wanting to earn his possible wrath. Sub-commander Fuyutsuki decided to hold his questions until they were finished with the morning business at hand, as the two of them left the bridge and headed for the elevator to Gendo's office. When the two commanders were out of sight, chatter immediately erupted among the staff.

"Geez, what happened to his face?" Shigeru wondered. "It's like he stepped on a rake or something."

"_Three_ rakes or something," Makoto corrected, "considering how red that mark was."

"Forget his face," Maya chimed in, "did you see his legs? They're so white! When was the last time he saw the sun?"

**Tokyo-3 Municipal Middle School, middle of the day...**

Shinji and Asuka were talking at their desks, away from the prying eyes of their friends. It was just ten minutes before class started, and Asuka had pulled him aside because she emphasized that what she wanted to talk to him about was supposed to be secret.

"They _like_ each other?!" he questioned in a whisper.

"Duh, of course they do!" his girlfriend replied with a slight roll of her eyes. "I personally have no idea what Hikari sees in that stooge friend of yours, but I'll bear with it since she's my best friend. I mean come on, don't tell me you haven't noticed him going all goo-goo-eyed over her when she isn't looking."

Shinji, on hearing that, took a minute to glance at Toji, before turning back to Asuka. "Okay, so...where are you going with this?" he asked.

Asuka smiled an almost Cheshire Cat-like grin. "Let's set 'em up! We'll nail two birds with one stone-another happy relationship forms in the wake of ours, AND I get Hikari to stop ribbing me about how long the two of us have been beating around the bush."

Shinji's mouth went agape for a brief moment, before he let out a soft sigh. "Since you put it that way..." he began, "what have you got in mind?"

"Here's the plan..." Asuka said as she began whispering into Shinji's ear, with Shinji nodding at every other detail.

For the next few days, Asuka coached Hikari on finding a way to Toji's heart...through his stomach. Hikari, whenever lunch rolled around, would approach Toji with an extra homemade bento, offering the excuse that she accidentally made it and figured he'd be tired of the fare in the cafeteria. The strategy worked of course, and the two of them found themselves spending a bit more time around one another, getting to know each other a bit better. Soon enough, one could actually call them a 'cute couple'. Kensuke, Mayumi and Rei, watching from the 'sidelines' were amazed by the progress at which Toji and Hikari's relationship was improving. Freakazoid, at one point, even thanked goodness that Asuka hadn't decided on using her genius for evil, followed by him quoting _Jurassic Park_ ("Clever girl..."). All of Asuka and Shinji's work eventually hit its peak, for one day came the 'capstone' of Asuka's plan. When it was lunchtime, Asuka and Shinji pulled the two of them aside to speak with them.

"What's goin' on?" Toji asked.

"Something up?" Hikari asked as well.

Asuka didn't say anything at first, but then spoke. "First of all, congrats on you two officially getting over your initial 'failure to communicate'. Second, Shinji and I were talking the other day, and we came up with an idea. Either of you doing anything this weekend?"

Toji and Hikari looked at each other for a moment, shrugged, and both shook their heads. "Good!" Asuka said.

"Would you both be interested in seeing a movie with us?" Shinji asked, finally broaching the subject. "As a first date-slash-first double-date?"

Both Toji and Hikari looked at each other again, and quickly gave it some thought before turning back to their friends. "Sure!" they said.

"What movie?" Toji asked. Asuka grinned as she quickly whipped out the movie times section of a newspaper and laid it down on a desk, where she pointed to a specific column. The others moved in closer to see what it was all about, and Hikari beamed with excitement, while Shinji and Toji gawked with befuddlement. The column was advertising a Barbara Streisand film retrospective at one of the more historic movie theaters downtown. There was a list of which movies from Streisand's career were being shown, and Asuka's finger was next to one specific name: 1972's _What's Up, Doc?_.

"I never knew you were a fan of hers," Shinji commented as he looked to Asuka.

"You kidding? Hikari and I are HUGE fans!" Asuka replied. "(Well, for me, both of hers and Madeline Kahn's.) Anyway, we both got introduced to her the same way: our moms and grandmothers watched some of her movies with us when we were really little."

"Then we got to appreciate them more when we got older," Hikari chimed in.

"Sooo...why THAT movie?" Toji asked, pointing to where Asuka's finger was.

"'Cause it's the one movie even you guys would like," Asuka answered matter-of-factly. "It's got the romance factor for us ladies, and plenty of slapstick and car chases for you 'gentlemen'. Trust me, I'll bet you won't go the entire movie without howling with laughter. Or are you too chicken to try?"

"Oh, it's ON!" Toji bit back, his left sleeve already rolled up in an exaggerated manner.

"Perfect," Asuka said smugly. "Saturday at 5. Don't be late. And wear something nice-I mean really, that track suit can't be the only thing in your wardrobe."

Toji, the look of dawning realization now appearing on his face, slowly slunk back into his chair. _I just got goaded into going to a Barbara Streisand movie,_ he thought. _Man, I'm slippin'..._

**NERV HQ, later that day...**

Ritsuko was typing away on her keyboard when she heard a knock on her office door.

"Come in," she said. Soon enough the door opened, revealing Misato, who waltzed right in and leaned on one end of the desk.

"What's new in Ritsville?" the major asked.

"Nothing much, just formalizing the arrangements for the Unit-03 activation test," the scientist replied. "We'll be doing it at the site in Matsushiro, and you'll be along to supervise. Also, in lieu of the Dummy System, we'll be using the Sixth as the test pilot."

That last statement took Misato by surprise. "Wait, back up-they found the Sixth Child already?" she asked.

"Yes, indeed," Ritsuko said, with no small amount of lying through her teeth. "Just yesterday, to be exact."

"Then where's my Marduk report?" Misato asked.

"It'll be on your desk tomorrow," Ritsuko answered. Misato arched a slightly-suspicious eyebrow at the delivery of that answer.

"Riiits...you're not hiding anything from me, are you?" Misato asked skeptically.

"No, no, not at all," Ritsuko said in turn.

"Oh-kaaayyy..." Misato began, "so then, who's the Sixth?"

"Correct," Ritsuko replied. Misato looked our way, eyes wide with confusion, before turning back to Ritsuko.

"What's the name of the Sixth?" she asked again.

"No, What is the name of the Seventh," Ritsuko replied.

"I'm not asking you who's the Seventh," Misato said.

"Who's the Sixth," Ritsuko said.

"That's what I'm asking you!" Misato said. "I don't know!"

"They're the Eighth," Ritsuko said.

"What're you talking about?" Misato asked. "How'd we even get to the Eighth? I'm wanna know what's the name of the Sixth!"

"Again, What's the Seventh," Ritsuko said in turn.

"But I'm not asking who's the Seventh!" Misato said exasperatingly.

"Who's the Sixth," Ritsuko said.

"I don't know!" Misato replied.

"Eighth Child!" they both said, pointing to one another. Ritsuko, at that point, smirked and then let out a few small chuckles while a groaning Misato gave herself a face-palm over falling into that little verbal trap.

"I see you haven't forgotten the act we did for our junior year talent show," Ritsuko noted in a smarmy way.

"_Very_ funny," Misato said with a frustrated huff and a roll of her eyes.

"Anyway, here's the candidate selected as the Sixth Child," Ritsuko said as she motioned Misato to her monitor. When Misato looked at the profile, she was shocked by who had been chosen.

"...Him, of all people?" she wondered.

"Couldn't be helped," Ritsuko said. "All candidates were gathered together for their own protection."

"*SIGH* I'll need to tell the kids..." Misato said. "Doesn't make it any less difficult. I mean, this has been Asuka's bread-and-butter her whole life. Same with Rei in most regards. For Shinji, it's clear to him nothing good comes from being involved with us and the EVAs. I don't want him to suffer any further..."

"Be that as it may," Ritsuko said, "we need this generation of children so all humanity can survive."

Misato, when Ritsuko wasn't looking, gave her friend a slight glare of disapproval. "So much for the ideals of humanity," she muttered cynically.

**The Freakalair, at the same time...**

_I can't believe it!_ Kensuke exclaimed. _Toji__ got picked to be an EVA pilot, and I didn't!_

"Well, believe it Kensuke, though I don't know why you're complaining," Freakazoid said. Earlier, he'd decided to check in with Naoko/the MAGI and see if anything unscrupulous was up with NERV lately, and she/it had tapped into Ritsuko's computer undetected, where they'd now just learned about Toji's selection as the Sixth Child. "I mean look at you-you're a superhero!...Sort of."

_I know, I know,_ Kensuke replied, _it's just that I've always wanted to be an EVA pilot for so long because they're the coolest! I'm a kid who lived off of mecha and giant robot anime and manga for years! Fighting big monsters, saving the day..._

"Maybe you'll change your tune once R.O.D.D.Y. gets back, which should be right about now..." Freakazoid said as the face of the Freak-A-Puter's AI reappeared on the screen. "What'd you find, R.O.D.D.Y.?"

"Everything Naoko informed me of is definitely on th' level, laddie," the cyber-Scotsman answered. "Ah traveled through th' rest o' the NERV mainframe to Commander Ikari's hard drive. Tha' 'Marduk Institute' ye heard about? A complete phony, a sham, a fake."

_WHAT?!_ Kensuke asked, dumbfounded by the revelation. _What do you mean?!_

"Whaddya mean 'whaddya mean'?" R.O.D.D.Y. replied irritably, "it's exactly what it says on th' wrapper! The Marduk Institute's nothin' but a front, one o' many, that all lead back to one place: NERV, and Commander Ikari himself."

"R.O.D.D.Y.'s right," Naoko chimed in. "Ikari's been pulling the strings on pilot selection the entire time. All your classmates were gathered in one place for a reason: every single one of them is a viable candidate for piloting an EVA. You included."

Kensuke was stunned. All this time, he could've been a pilot. Him and every other kid at school. _But why?_ he asked.

"I dunno just yet," Freakazoid, "but it's like I've been saying, something's rotten in the city of Tokyo-3, and it's not just the occasional produce at the grocery store nearby." He then stood up to make a dramatic show of determination, his left finger pointed high. "Both of which I will not rest till I've gotten to the bottom of!"

**Above the city, around that same time...**

Gendo and Fuyutsuki were in a helicopter flying above the skyline. Both were looking down on the fortress city, Fuyutski with a cynical sense of wonder.

"The city, a paradise made by mankind," he commented.

Ikari nodded slightly. "Once driven from Paradise, man had no choice but to escape to this earthly existence, side by side with death," Gendo said solemnly. "Our own paradise, created by the resourcefulness that this weakest of beings was forced to develop."

"Indeed," the former professor replied. Gendo then looked up at his former teacher, one eyebrow arched.

"You've had something you've wanted to say all day," the commander said. "Say it and we can all move on."

Fuyutsuki turned to his former student, let out a brief sigh, and finally spoke. "If I may be so bold..." he began to suggest, "you really do need to get outside the Geofront more. I mean, good grief, man, look at how pale they are!" He pointed to Gendo's legs, which the commander then briefly looked down at, before returning his gaze to Fuyutsuki.

"Duly noted," Gendo replied. _And ignored,_ he thought to himself.

**NERV HQ, yet again around the same time...**

Misato was shocked by the information that Kaji had just quietly shared with her. She just couldn't believe it, that the Marduk Institute was in fact a front for NERV, and that Commander Ikari was behind it. Once again, Misato found herself questioning her loyalties to NERV, as this wasn't the first big secret Kaji had exposed to her...

**Terminal Dogma, several days earlier...[Yeesh, so many transitions!]**

Misato had found Kaji sneaking around the entrance to Terminal Dogma, and her gun drawn and pointed at his back.

"I see someone had a good night's sleep," Kaji said nonchalantly.

"Same with you," Misato said firmly.

"Glad to hear it," the spy replied, his trademark grin present.

"On the job, Kaji?" Misato asked. "Better yet, which one? The one for NERV, or the one for the JDA?"

Kaji shrugged. "Gee, darned if I know," he replied. "Sounds like you've done your homework."

"NERV does have its resources," Misato said in turn. "Wouldn't be wise to underestimate us."

"Sounds like something the Commander would say," Kaji said.

Misato sighed before responding. "It's what _I'm_ saying," she warned. "We just made up after all those years, I'm worried about you. If you keep going like this, you'll never escape the consequences."

Kaji merely kept smiling. "I'm not worried," he said, "I'm still useful to Ikari, so as long as he's in the dark, I'll be fine. I'm just sorry I kept this secret from you all this time."

Misato, on hearing this, finally lowered her gun. "I appreciate that," she said. "Seriously, though, what're you expecting to find down here?"

Kaji didn't respond at first, simply swiping his red universal card key through the reader next to the door. The screen changed, indicating the door was now opening. "The Commander and our good friend Ritsuko have been hiding a lot of things from you," he answered, "and this is one of the biggest..."

As soon as the door opened, Misato's eyes went wide with astonishment when she saw the gigantic, white Angel bound to the large metal cross, a strange red lance sticking out of its chest.

"No...no way..." she said.

"Yes way," Kaji said in turn. "The origin and linchpin of everything since Second Impact..." His train of thought was interrupted when the two of them noticed something peculiar, which made their eyes grow even wider with surprise.

Sitting on the beam behind the Angel's left shoulder was Freakazoid. The Angel's head was turned to face the superhero, and appeared to be telekinetically holding some cards. Freakazoid had a hand of his own, and there was a small deck of them in the middle. At that moment, Freakazoid then noticed the two newcomers down below.

"Hi there!" he greeted, waving. "Don't mind me, we're almost done with this round. Gotta say, for a first-time player, Lilith's really good at _Uno_! If you like, I can deal you both in for the next game."

Kaji and Misato, their mouths still agape, did a double-take from Freakazoid and Lilith to each other and back. Both of them quickly put on some smiles and gave them some tiny waves.

"Oh no, that's okay! We were just passing by, got a lot of stuff to do!" Misato feigned.

"Yeah, we'll just let you guys keep going. Enjoy!" Kaji said as he closed the doors. Soon, the two made their way back to the elevator leading up to Central Dogma, both with confused looks on their faces.

"I did NOT see that coming," Kaji said.

"That makes two of us," Misato commented. "Also, _Lilith_? What the heck's Lilith?"

Kaji looked to her before he answered. "Last I checked, I was told _that_ was the rest of Adam, the First Angel," he explained. "But that means the thing that's been down here is actually the Second. And that means..." He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. "Remember when I evacuated the _Over The Rainbow_?"

"Yeah, thanks for leaving us in the lurch, jerk," Misato answered with frustration, "but what's that got to do with what we just saw?"

"I wasn't just escorting Asuka and Unit-02 to Japan," Kaji elaborated. "Ikari had assigned me to acquire the sample of Adam that had been under lock and key at the German branch and smuggle it over here. I don't know all the details of why he wanted it, but I do intend to find out." He then let out a long sigh. "I'll need your help. Can I trust you to keep all this quiet?"

Misato gravely nodded her head. "Good," Kaji said just as they reached their destination floor. "Now if you'll excuse me..."

"Where are you going?" Misato asked.

"Back to my place," Kaji replied. "After what we'd just learned, I've got a LOT of notes to update. AND I'll need to learn more about Freakazoid." He then sighed again as he shook his head. "This is gonna be one looonnng weekend..."

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
The road to Bardiel begins...**

**The bit with BennettTheSage is an update of Jack Valenti going over the Motion Picture Association of America's ratings system in the season one ****_Freakazoid! _****episode "The Chip, Part 1". I recommend BennettTheSage's videos, as he's essentially the Nostalgia Critic of anime. (In fact, his review of ****_End of Evangelion_**** features a neat guest appearance from original ADV dub actor Brett Weaver.) The rest of Sage's explanation of this website's ratings system will continue in part 2...**

**The chapter's title (and that of its following part(s)) is a riff on the 1938 gangster movie ****_Angels with Dirty Faces._**

**Stealing pants happens to be one particular prank the Lawn Gnomes were known for going back to the age of Vikings.**

**Gendo's unfortunate encounter with rakes is lifted from Sideshow Bob in the 1993 episode of ****_The Simpsons_****, "Cape Feare".**

**Barbara Streisand was frequently caricatured on a lot of the 90's "Steven Spielberg Presents" cartoons, especially ****_Animaniacs _****and ****_Freakazoid!_****. Why ****_What's Up Doc? _****specifically has to do with me seeing the movie a few weeks ago for the first time, and trust me, it is THAT funny. And the kids will find it funny as well in part 2...**

**Misato and Ritsuko wind up doing a brief variation of the classic "Who's on first?" routine, something I did in one of my earliest short fics for this site. Also a minor reference to the Woodstock-themed riff from episode 59 of ****_Animaniacs_****.**

**Gendo, after hearing Fuyutsuki's suggestion, quotes Megatron in the final episode of ****_Beast Wars Transformers_****.**

**And now for some fun, guest-starring four of my favorite ****_Animaniacs _****characters!**

_OMAKE 5 - Birds of a Feather, and all that Yadda-Yadda..._

It was the middle of the evening as Pen-Pen stood by the docks, Shinji, Rei and Asuka accompanying him. Shinji held a plastic bag containing a few containers of take-out food. The Second and Third Children were very confused over why they'd been dragged out to the docks at such an hour, by Pen-Pen of all creatures, and soon found that the four of them were no longer alone. Approaching from the opposite side were four small shapes, which landed on the ground and soon were headed their way. Once they were under the same street lamp, Shinji and Asuka's eyes went wide with surprise.

The four newcomers were all pigeons. On the far left was the one who was clearly the leader; he was a very fat-looking pigeon that strangely bore a vague resemblance to the actor Marlon Brando. To the fat one's immediate left was a tall pigeon with a greenish plume of feathers on his head; next to him was a slightly shorter pigeon with a purple-ish plume and a scowl on his face; and the last one had a gray plume and what seemed to be a small, perpetually-toothy grin.

Both the fat pigeon and Pen-Pen stepped forward a couple of inches, and exchanged bows. It was then that the meeting began.

The fat pigeon was the first to speak, in a pretty incoherent-sounding mumbling of gobbledygook. The green-headed pigeon translated for him.

"The Godpigeon wishes to thank you for inviting us to this meeting, on this, the week of your cousin's mating season," the green one began to say, in a voice akin to Robert De Niro's. "He hopes her first hatchling is a masculine hatchling." He then bowed his head to Pen-Pen and the pilots and pointed to the two pigeons next to him. "By the way, name's Bobby, and these two are, respectively, Pesto and Squit." Pesto and Squit then offered a couple of small waves hello.

The pilots proceeded to wave back, Shinji and Asuka still befuddled by all of this. Pen-Pen then spoke.

"Wark wark wark wark-wark, wark wark wark-wark-wark," Pen-Pen said. To Shinji and Asuka's further surprise, Rei translated for him.

"The Oyabunguin says," Rei said with a slight New York accent, "he appreciates you making the journey to meet with him, and looks forward to the negotiations to come."

For the next hour or so, Pen-Pen and the Godpigeon discussed the details of their new arrangement, with Bobby and Rei translating for each. Off to the side, the other four chatted on a bench while they waited for the meeting to finish.

"So, how long have you been working for the Godpigeon?" Shinji asked Squit.

"Well, as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a Goodfeather," Squit replied. "What about you-got any dreams, kid?"

"Uh, well, I really can't decide between musician and chef," Shinji answered. "Either way, it'll be better than being an EVA pilot. Especially when I get to stop wearing the plugsuits, they REALLY chafe."

Over at another end of the bench, Asuka chatted with Pesto.

"You _really_ haven't tried making a play for top bird?" Asuka asked incredulously.

"Oh, believe you me, I _wished_," Pesto replied. "But a lil' dream told me that it probably wouldn't be good for my health, know what I'm sayin'?"

Back over under the street lamp, the negotiations were just about finished.

"Warkwarkwarkwark, wark wark wark-wark," Pen-Pen squawked.

"So it's agreed," Rei translated for Pen-Pen, "as territory for your incoming Japan branch of Goodfeathers, the Oyabunguin will give you the city streets and the parks."

The Godpigeon then responded in his usual gibberish, leading Bobby to translate.

"And the Godpigeon agrees, in turn," Bobby elaborated, "that you shall maintain control of the docks and other waterways. The Geofront will be split down the middle between both families."

Pen-Pen nodded in agreement, as did the Godpigeon. With that, the two avian associates shook wings on their completed deal. Rei in turn nodded to Shinji, indicating it was time for the dinner portion of the meeting. Shinji and the others then stepped under the street lamp, where he then undid the bag and removed the containers, opening them up to reveal their steaming hot contents within. Bobby, Squit and Pesto took a whiff of the food's scent, and were entranced immediately by the shrimp fried rice. Pen-Pen and the Godpigeon then took their respective pairs of chopsticks and got ready to dig in.

"Wark!" Pen-Pen said.

"The Oyabunguin says _mangia,_" Rei translated.


	21. Episode 20

**Episode 17 - Angels with Unlucky Numbers, Part 2**

When we last left our fan-favorite beta couple, Misato had just thought back to when Kaji had showed her the Angel living right in NERV's basement, the first of many major secrets that'd been revealed to her by her spook of a (formerly ex-) boyfriend. And now, while partaking in another clandestine conversation next to a few vending machines, she'd just learned that the Marduk Institute-the body tasked with selecting potential EVA pilot candidates-was actually a work of fiction concocted by NERV itself, if not Commander Ikari.

"You want confirmation?" Kaji whispered. "Check out Code 707."

"The kids' school?" Misato asked.

"Think about it," Kaji elaborated. "All those kids gathered in this particular city, most of them living in single-parent homes, most of those same single parents working here at NERV. You do the math..."

"Hey, Misato!" Asuka's voice called out from another end of the hallway, interrupting their conversation. Kaji quickly mouthed 'talk later' before they turned to address the two pilots coming their way, hand-in-hand.

"Something up?" Misato asked her charges.

"Dr. Akagi just wanted to see you about your business trip tomorrow," Shinji conveyed.

"Right, I'll head to her office then," she replied as she started on her way to that very destination. "Catch you later," she said to Kaji.

"Yes, ma'am!" Kaji said in a joking manner as he was soon left alone with the pilots. "Buy you guys a drink?" he offered as he turned to them.

"Well, I am kinda parched," Asuka replied as Shinji nodded in agreement. Soon the three of them were sitting on a bench overlooking the sunset above the Geofront, each drinking from a can of tea.

"Looks like your crush is a thing of the past these days, Asuka," Kaji noted. "Gotta say it breaks my heart a bit."

"Well, it was fun and all," Asuka said teasingly in a prim-and-proper tone, "but as you've known for a short while, I've...met someone." She then gazed at Shinji, who returned it with a smile.

"I guess the best man won, Shinji," Kaji said with a chuckle as he stood up and tossed his empty can in the recycling bin. "Mind if I show you two something?" A few minutes later, the three of them were at Kaji's little slice of home away from the Geofront, a small garden with a very specific crop.

"Nice melons," Shinji said as he looked over the fruit in question.

"Thanks," Kaji said in turn, "pretty firm, aren't they?"

"Hang on, aren't they square in Japan?" Asuka asked curiously.

"Oh, that?" Kaji replied. "Those are just something whipped up for the tourists. They're ornamental, nothing more. These, though? My personal hobby. Also make my own 'cooler' with 'em. Don't tell anyone though, I'm planning a launch at some point in the future."

"Uh, sure," Asuka said. "Still, begs the question..."

"Why watermelons?" Shinji asked, echoing her thoughts.

"It's all about that great feeling you get from nurturing something," Kaji explained, "along with seeing and learning about so many things in the process, until you get to the result."

The scene was then interrupted as we tuned back in to BennettTheSage at his desk, the chart back in its original place.

BTS [slightly annoyed]: "AS I WAS SAYING, if the fanfic's rated T, there'll be some 'minor suggestive adult themes', among other things, so if you're not 13 years or older, guess what? You're not gonna be reading this one." [Takes off the cutout of a pre-teen kid.] "BUT you've got video games and tablets anyway, so you won't care." [Puts an 'M' over the 'T'.] Now if the fanfic's rated M, then it contains stuff that's a bit more adult, the sort of stuff that Suave's more into. So unless you're 16 or older, then the parental blockers for the World Wide Web come on!" [Takes off the cutout of the two teenagers. Puts an 'A' next to the 'M'.] "Finally, if it's a fanfic that's rated MA, then guess what? No kids get to read it at all. Sorry, it's officially 'adult swim' online. I mean, even your grandma gets to read this stuff, 'cause she's been around a long time and knows things. But joke's on you, 'cause this website actually DOESN'T accept or publish explicit content, so you all had better look elsewhere to get your jollies. Thank you, hope this helps, and now we return to the story."

Suave [poking his head out from stage left, smugly grinning]: "Someone _mention_ me?"

BTS [even more annoyed]: "GO AWAY! We've got a crossover to get back to, scram!"

The scene then returned to where we'd left off at Kaji's watermelon patch.

"That was weird," Kaji commented under his breath, "now, where was I? Oh yeah, seeing and learning things as you nurture something. Like what's enjoyable to you."

"And what isn't," Shinji said. "Like suffering. I know I definitely don't enjoy that."

"Ditto for me," Asuka added as she took his hand.

"Still," Kaji said, "knowledge of suffering helps you get a better perspective on life, makes you treasure the enjoyable moments more." At that moment, his phone rang, and he picked it up. "Ryoji Kaji, wingman with a plan, how may I help you?" Shinji and Asuka could hear some annoyed muttering coming from the other line. "All right, I'll bring 'em in. Over and out." He then hung up. "That was Misato, the sync test's starting in a bit. I'll walk you guys over."

A couple of hours later, the sync tests had concluded and the pilots had all showered and gotten changed. Just as they exited their respective locker rooms, they were met by Misato and Ritsuko waiting outside.

"Um, what's going on?" Shinji asked.

Misato momentarily looked to Ritsuko, who simply nodded, before she answered. "There's something we need to tell you..." she said.

**Tokyo-3 Municipal Middle School, the following mid-morning...**

The lunch bell was just a few moments from ringing before the PA came on unexpectedly.

**"Attention, attention,"** the voice said, **"Will Toji Suzuhara please report to the principal's office immediately? Shinji Ikari, Asuka Langley Sohryu, and Rei Ayanami, please report in as well."**

Kensuke and Mayumi looked at the speaker before turning to each other. "What's going on?" she asked confusingly, "what'd they do?"

"Something tells me they're not exactly in trouble," Kensuke said, though he and Freakazoid probably had a good idea of why they were being called in. A couple of minutes later, all four students had entered the office, yet instead of their principal, standing in front of his desk were Misato and Ritsuko.

"Toji Suzuhara?" Ritsuko greeted as she extended her hand forward. "We met at Misato's promotion party a while back. I'm Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, head of NERV's scientific division."

"Oh, uh, nice meeting you again, I guess," Toji replied with some hesitation as he shook her hand. "So, why am I here?...You guys aren't still mad about me and Kensuke getting in the way when that electric whip angel ran amuck, are ya?"

"Oh no, not at all!" Ritsuko said reassuringly. "Granted, that was still a dumb thing you two did, but it's obvious you've learned your lesson."

"We're actually here because it does have something to do with EVA," Misato chimed in. "In a day or two, we'll be receiving a new Evangelion, Unit-03, and it's going to need a pilot." It was taking all of Misato's will to not tremble. "That said, the Marduk Institute," she began to say, facetiously emphasizing the name of the front organization, "has selected you to be that pilot, designation Sixth Child."

Toji's jaw was nearly on the floor when he heard those words. "ME?!" he asked worriedly.

"Yes, you," Ritsuko answered. "before you say anything, please just hear us out. I understand that you have a younger sister named Sakura, who was unfortunately injured in the first Angel attack, and has been recovering in the city's main hospital for a while now. We wouldn't be offering you this opportunity without any proper incentive. Simply put, if you agree to pilot Unit-03, we'll transfer Sakura to NERV HQ's state-of-the-art medical facilities, which will speed up her recuperation."

"Additionally," Misato added, "the reason that our three established pilots are here is to give you some input on any other concerns you might have." With that, she nodded for Shinji, Asuka and Rei to give their two cents.

"Honestly, when Misato told us about you being recruited, to say I wasn't pleased wasn't even the half of it," Asuka said, "That said, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to help save the world, using mankind's ultimate weapon. If the Institute says you've got what it takes to join our elite corps, then more power to you. Just don't expect to knock me out of the top spot, got it?"

Shinji's statement wasn't as glorifying. "Still, you've seen what piloting's been like for me, even if it was just once," he started to say. "This isn't a game, lives _are_ at stake, both yours and everyone's. The fact that you're being recruited like this is one thing you've got over me." Shinji was, of course, referring to the less-than-ideal means that first got him into an entry plug.

Rei's was more neutral. "No matter what you decide, we will support you," she said. "Given what is being offered, I would insist you take it, if only for your sister's sake. Were she to recover thanks to NERV's medical advancements, it would do you good to see her running and playing with kids her own age again."

Toji considered his friend's words for a moment, before facing Ritsuko and Misato again. "Got a question," he started to say, "Sixth Child? What happened with Four and Five?"

"Don't get your jock strap in a knot," Asuka said dismissively. "They're still alive, if you must know. They're based at NERV-2 in America. I just chatted with them over email the other day."

Toji, somewhat reassured, turned back to the two women in the room. "The best doctors, physical therapists, all that's guaranteed?" he asked.

"All guaranteed," Ritsuko answered, "it'll be outlined in your contract. And no fine print shenanigans either, I promise."

Toji then turned back to his friends, with Shinji giving him a reluctant nod, and then faced Ritsuko and Misato again, before finally holding his hand out. "I'll do it," he said as he shook Ritsuko's offered hand.

"Thank you," Ritusko said, "we're glad to have you aboard. We'll need you to come by HQ after school today to iron out the remaining details, fit you for a plugsuit, and make all the arrangements for Sakura's transfer. Once done, in the next few days we'll drive you to the test site in Matsushiro, where you'll participate in Unit-03's activation test, so remember to pack an overnight bag. Now that all this is settled, I think you guys should grab lunch while there's still time."

All four nodded and then proceeded to exit the office. Ritsuko then faced Misato with one arched eyebrow. "Did I detect a hint of sarcasm when you mentioned the Institute?" she asked.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Misato said in an even tone. Misato would never let Ritsuko know that she was beginning to see her longtime friend in a different light lately, and wondering just what else she was hiding along with the Commander.

Meanwhile, the quartet had just reconvened with their friends in room 2-A. Hikari immediately noticed the look of worry on Toji's face.

"What's wrong?" she asked. He looked up and gave a small sigh before he spoke.

"I was just given an offer..." he started to say. Soon enough, he and the pilots got them all caught up on Toji's decision to pilot the soon-to-arrive Unit-03. When it seemed like everyone's spirits were dashed, it was Mayumi, of all people, who attempted to cheer them up.

"You guys still have that double-date on Saturday, right?" she asked. "Well, why don't you make it a double-date you won't forget?"

"She's right," Kensuke added. "It'll be like those old war movies where the new recruit makes it official with his girl before they ship out the next day."

Shinji, Asuka, Toji, and Hikari looked at one another as they considered the suggestion, before turning back to Kensuke and Mayumi.

"Not a bad idea," Asuka said. "You two really are full of surprises, aren't ya?"

"W-well, we do try, sometimes," Mayumi said sheepishly.

"Maybe we should go out for an early dinner before the movie," Hikari chimed in.

"I'm game," Toji said in turn.

Shinji nodded affirmatively. "I'll start looking up places around town when we get home," Shinji said.

**Outside the Tomoyuki Gardens restaurant, Saturday, late afternoon...**

The quartet had just exited the restaurant and was on their way to the movie theater, having enjoyed a very delicious early dinner. (The place didn't get four-star reviews for nothing.) Toji, much to Asuka's surprise, had actually cleaned up nicely, wearing a dark blue suit jacket, a light blue dress shirt and a pair of slacks. Even his shoes were well-polished. Surprisingly, he'd crammed yesterday night to get the hang of good table manners, leaving her (and Hikari) even more stunned. Eventually they put that aside once they reached the box office.

"Four students for _What's Up, Doc?_," Asuka told the cashier behind the glass. As soon as the admission was paid and they were handed their tickets, they went inside and were directed to the screen the movie was being shown on. Once in, they found their seats just as the previews had finished, and the sounds of Barbara Streisand's version of "You're The Top" started playing...

**Outside the theater, 94 minutes later...**

The quartet exited the theater still in the grips of laughter, stopping next to a poster just so they could catch their breath.

"Aheheheh, I can't remember the last time I've laughed so much," Shinji said as he wiped a tear from his eye.

"What'd I say? I told you you couldn't go the entire movie without doing it," Asuka managed to get out in-between laughs.

"Can we-can we just stay here for a bit?" Hikari asked between giggles. "My sides need to settle down."

"Mine too," Toji said, followed by a fresh round of guffawing as he thought back to the movie's seemingly-never-ending car chase. "Gotta admit, Streisand was pretty good in this."

"Pretty good?" Asuka said with one eyebrow arched, before jumping into an attempt at a New York accent, "She was like buttah!"

"Like BUTTAH!" Hikari repeated in the same way with just as much hero-worship in her voice.

"Gee, all this talk about food's making me feel hungry, girls," a new voice said. All four turned to the source, and their eyes went wide when they saw who it was: Barbara Streisand herself, the guest of honor for the theater's retrospective.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Asuka and Hikari both screamed with delight, while Shinji and Toji's jaws fell right to the ground. They were even more shocked when they noticed the next thing their respective girlfriends did.

"We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're scum! We reek!..." Asuka and Hikari both squealed as they repeatedly prostrated themselves before the legendary singer/actress. Babs, for the most part, had an amused smile on as she held her hand out, while she turned to address us. "I love it when I make someone's day," she said with a wink.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**The calm before the haze-y storm that is Bardiel.**

**The melons line is slightly based on a part of the gag from ****_Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me_****.**

**We finish off the bit with BennettTheSage much in the same way as the original Jack Valenti gag.**

**The Tomoyuki Gardens is named for Tomoyuki Tanaka, the movie producer who helped bring ****_Godzilla _****and the sequels that followed to the big screen. This is in the vein of my previous bit with the Tezuka Bistro in the pre-Leiliel chapters, which was named after the 'godfather of manga' Osamu Tezuka.**

**The encounter with Barbara Streisand at the end (as mentioned, she was frequently caricatured on the 90's WB cartoons) riffs on two famous comedy bits involving Mike Meyers. The sudden appearance of Streisand and the screaming that followed comes from an early-90's "Coffee Talk" sketch from ****_Saturday Night Live_****, while Asuka and Hikari's bowing is lifted from what Wayne and Garth do when meeting Alice Cooper in the original ****_Wayne's World_**** movie (and with Aerosmith in the sequel).**


	22. Episode 21

The camera opened on a very Ben Stein-looking fellow, sitting behind a desk, as the lights came up.

"Good day," the gentleman greeted, "I'm H.A. Futterman, former professor of broadcast standards at Kids WB. It was recently decided that "Relax-O-Vision" would be dusted off and given a test run integration with another beloved pop culture franchise, the Japanese anime known as _Neon Genesis Evangelion_. For those of you unaware, "Relax-O-Vision" was a process developed in the mid-1990's. Its purpose is to insert calming, mirthful images into scenes that might be too intense for the kiddos watching at home on their devices. Now settle back, and be prepared to enjoy the first-ever re-airing of a classic Japanese anime series in calming, safe, and more kid-friendly "Relax-O-Vision"."

Freakazoid appeared over the image of Futterman, looked over his shoulder for a moment, and then turned back to us with a shrug.

"Sorry in advance, folks," Freakazoid said apologetically. "This was written into my contract. Don't worry, it's only temporary, and if the audience doesn't like it, it's gone. Now on with the story!"

**Episode 18 - Angels with Unlucky Numbers, Part 3**

Gendo awoke the following morning, part of him anticipating the day's events to come (thanks to his consulting of the Dead Sea Scrolls). What he didn't anticipate when he opened his closet doors was every single one of his uniform jackets would be missing, leaving only the pants. Gendo grumbled, frustrated and confused by the mysterious clothes-thieves striking again. This time, only one shirt of a sort was left hanging in the closet: a tacky-looking teal-colored bowling shirt with a red stripe running up and down the right side. Faced with no other options, Gendo reluctantly donned it as part of his ensemble. As he opened his front door and began to walk out, he unknowingly triggered a tripwire that let loose something-something that landed with a ***FUMP*** on top of his head. Taken aback by the unexpected trap, Gendo tried to pull the object-which turned out to be a large, rainbow-colored afro wig-off of his head, only to find it was stuck, thanks to some glue that'd been spread on the inside earlier. Letting loose some muffled [aka gibberish-ified] swearing, Gendo stormed to the car awaiting him as his driver opened the door for him. Again, neither of them noticed four gnome-shaped statues on the front lawn, in poses that almost looked as if they were laughing at the Commander of NERV the whole time.

**A large EVA carrier, near Tokyo-3 airspace, around the same time...**

Heading towards Tokyo-3 was a large aircraft carrying with it unusual cargo: the towering ebon-colored form of Evangelion Unit-03. The pilots of the aircraft engaged in some chatter with ground control, checking in on their progress.

Ground control: "This is Ekta 64 calling Neopan 400, confirm cumulonimbus clouds in your immediate flight path, over?"

Pilot: "This is Neopan 400, cumulonimbus clouds confirmed. Barometer indicates no hazard. Will maintain course, expect to arrive on-schedule."

Ground control: "This is Ekta 64, roger, over and out."

The comms went out just as the carrier flew into the large cloud ahead of them, unaware that said 'cloud' would deposit a deadly stowaway into their cargo. A stowaway who wasn't too happy about the lack of those little bags of salted peanuts on the flight...

**Misato's apartment, yet again around that same time...**

Shinji, Asuka, Rei, and even Pen-Pen were seeing Misato off, as she prepared to head for Matsushiro for Unit-03's test.

"So I'll be out for four days or so," Misato instructed her charges, "but don't worry, Kaji'll be looking out for you two for the time being. Try not to wreck the place while I'm gone."

Asuka rolled her eyes at that one. "Like I'd stoop to the lows that come with that tired old 'teen angst comedy movie' cliche," Asuka said.

"Fingers crossed that the test goes off without a hitch," Shinji said, wariness in his voice.

"Oh, it'll be fine!" Misato reassured him. "Ritsuko'll be there to make sure nothing goes wrong."

"You do realize that by saying those words," Rei commented, "you unintentionally will invoke Murphy's Law."

The three of them just stared at the bluenette, dumbfounded by her observation.

"_Now_ you tell me," Misato said sarcastically. "Trust me, things'll go according to plan."

"Still, I'm worried about Toji," Shinji said.

"He'll be okay, baka," Asuka said as she took a turn reassuring him. _Besides, I swore to Hikari that things would go well for him, _she added mentally._ I don't wanna make myself a liar any more than you do!_

**NERV HQ, a bit later that morning...**

The bridge of Central Dogma was busy as usual, with nothing out of the ordinary going on. At least, until Commander Ikari walked in the door. When all eyes turned to see him, again he was met with stares of both surprise and confusion, though this time a lot of the staff were doing their best to stifle their laughter. And why wouldn't they, considering their commander had just walked in wearing a rainbow afro wig and a tacky bowling shirt? No one said anything as Gendo met up with Fuyutsuki (who he instructed to remind him to order a large jar of adhesive remover later in the day), unaware as Maya quickly and quietly snapped a photo with her phone. As soon as the commanders exited the bridge and headed to Gendo's office, once the doors closed, everyone stopped holding it in and burst into laughter. Maya also quickly forwarded the photo in a text to one particular staff member who wasn't there today...

Minutes later, in an armored transport heading towards Matsushiro as part of a small convoy, Ritsuko felt her phone vibrate. She fished it out of her pocket and saw the text from Maya:

**"Looks like the Commander got dressed in the dark again."**

Ritsuko then scrolled down to look at the photo, and immediately burst into laughter upon seeing Gendo in the strange getup. She then showed the picture to Misato, who blinked in confusion and briefly rubbed her eyes before joining her in laughing all the way to the test site.

**The school, around the same time...**

Things were pretty quiet for the pilots and their friends as they went about their break. Toji was dreading the day that he'd head over to Matsushiro, so everyone-well, mostly everyone-was trying to cheer him up a bit. Toji then noticed something was definitely off:

Kensuke wasn't ranting and raving about not being picked to pilot an EVA.

"Yo, Ken," Toji started to say. "What's with ya?"

"What do you mean?" the otaku asked.

"Whaddya mean, 'whaddya mean'?" Toji barked back. (_Gee, where have I heard __that__ one before,_ Kensuke mused to himself.) "Of all of us, wouldn't you be complainin' about not gettin' recruited by NERV?"

"Yeah, I gotta agree," Shinji concurred, "this isn't like you."

"Well, you know how when you had to rescue me and Toji a while back?" Kensuke asked.

"All too well," Shinji replied, thinking back to the fight with Shamshel.

"I've been thinking about it a lot lately," Kensuke said. "And seeing that look on your face, all that pressure you were under...It just made me realize, I couldn't cut it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized another reason why you pilot."

"What's that?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah, I'm curious," Asuka chimed in with a minute hint of sarcasm.

Kensuke looked at his friends for a moment before he answered. "You do it so kids like us don't have to endure that kind of burden, so we don't experience that level of terror," Kensuke finally said. The others were surprised and speechless; they never expected something that profound to come from a kid who, without hyperbole, was a die-hard military-anything enthusiast. At that moment, Freakazoid then looked our way.

"And that, kids, is what we call 'empathy'," Freakazoid said as if he were in a public service announcement.

Back outside the Freakazone, the lunch bell had rung and everyone was getting ready to eat. The only difference was that Toji and Hikari were gone from the room. Instead, the two decided to enjoy a quiet meal alone up on the roof, taking in as much of the day as they could. A little later, as school let out for the day, he decided to give her a few basketball pointers, and discovered that she could throw some decent baskets. Ultimately, they just wanted the rest of the day to be about anything but EVA, before Toji would be brought to Matsushiro.

**Misato's apartment, that evening...**

Shinji and Asuka were working on some homework when they heard a knock on the door.

"Coming!" Shinji called out as he made his way to the door. Once he opened it, he found Kaji waiting on the other side, with a couple of briefcases in his hands, and one hanging from his mouth by its handle.

"Evenin' Shinji, Asuka," Kaji said as he walked into the apartment, his voice slightly muffled. Asuka immediately noted the bundles he was carrying, in addition to his overnight duffel.

"What's with the bags?" Asuka asked.

"Ah, these?" Kaji said as he made his way to the living room, "Just some work I brought with me." He then began to empty the contents onto the table. Shinji and Asuka's eyes widened with surprise over the material laid out. They were photos, news clippings, even a few thumb drives labeled 'archived footage', all of which had one thing in common: Freakazoid.

"You're researching Freakazoid?" Shinji asked curiously.

"Yep," Kaji replied. "It's...on behalf of the U.N. With the guy running around our fair city, they wanted to know a bit more about him, so they're having me study up."

Asuka perused some of the papers, one eyebrow arched. "Man, for a superhero, the guy's got really weird villains," she commented. "I mean look at some of them-'Eye-of-Newt', 'Kid Carrion', 'Milk Man'. It's like some comic book writer was running out of ideas."

"Check out some of these other heroes he worked with," Shinji said as he plucked a few photos out of the pile. "The Huntsman, Lord Bravery, the Crimson Kv...Uh..."

"_Kvetch_," Kaji said. "It's Yiddish for someone who complains a lot. Now, much as I'd like you guys to help me with this, I'm getting kinda peckish."

Soon the three of them were enjoying a delicious dinner that Shinji had made.

"Say Kaji, mind answering a question?" Shinji posed.

"Shoot," Kaji replied as he took another bite.

"What's my father like?" Hearing this question gave the stubble'd spy pause.

"Huh, well that came out of nowhere," Kaji replied. "Why ask me? I mean, the Vice-Commander's always with him, you'd probably get more out of him."

"Well, it's just I haven't been around him much," Shinji said. "In a way, I don't really know him, and after seeing him at my mom's grave the other day, all I'm getting is more of the same: cold, uncaring, and for some reason, calculating."

"Sounds like all you need to know," Asuka chimed in. "I kinda get that 'evil mastermind' vibe off of him for some reason."

"We talking 'Ernst Stavro Blofeld' or 'Dr. Evil'?" Kaji added with a chuckle. "But yeah, I can admit Shinji, your old man's tough to understand sometimes. But that's the thing with people, isn't it? People can't understand others completely. Who knows if you can even understand yourself? Understanding each other is one hundred percent impossible. And yet, we spend so much time trying to understand ourselves and others, which makes life so interesting."

Shinji blinked upon hearing that, and did a triple-take from Kaji, to Asuka, to us, before settling back on Kaji. "Well if you don't mind me saying so," he began, "_that_ is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Both Asuka and Kaji, mid-way into their next bites of food, stared at him, wide-eyed with surprise.

"Care to elaborate?" Kaji implored.

"You don't start understanding people unless you start talking to them," Shinji said. "Take me and Asuka-until that candlelit dinner up on the roof a few weeks ago, we wouldn't have figured how alike we were. You can't be afraid to talk to them, can't feel like you're not worth their time. Since that night, I've been working to make sure I'm worthy of her." He took Asuka's hand as he continued. "'Take the first step, or nothing will change'-that's what Misato told me."

Kaji sat there and stared, disbelieving, at what Shinji was saying. When the boy finished, Kaji smiled. "Y'know, I think Katsuragi was onto something there," he said.

"Thanks," Shinji replied, surprised at his own sudden boldness.

"Heh, makes me think, on the subject of steps," Asuka said, "if Freakazoid hadn't kept us from making one colossal _mis_step, who knows where we'd be right now? You'd probably be off in your room with your SDAT running till the batteries wore out."

"I know what you mean," Shinji said. "Funny thing is, ever since we got together, I haven't touched that player once. It's probably got a ton of dust on it right now."

In Shinji's room at that very moment, said SDAT player was, in fact, laying there on his small desk, collecting yet another layer of dust. On its small LCD screen was the following single word:

**INGRATE!**

**Matsushiro test site, the following day...**

The testing preparations were already underway as technicians and engineers were busy connecting all the necessary components to Unit-03, with Ritsuko and Misato observing all the activity.

"Given how it's checked out so far," Ritsuko was saying, "it could even go into combat as-is."

"Huh, oddly comforting," Misato noted.

"Now that sounded half-hearted," Ritsuko said in turn. "I mean think about it-once Unit-03's cleared for duty you'll have it directly under your command."

"Really..." Misato said, her fingers holding her chin in thought, "Hmmm, exclusive control of four EVAs...bet we could take over the world with that kind of power."

"*A-HEM!*" a voice clearing its throat sounded from below where they were standing. A surprised Misato and Ritsuko both looked down to see Pinky and the Brain looking back up at them, their arms folded and brows furrowed, with Pinky tapping his right foot slowly. "Please refrain, if you will, from infringing upon our shtick," the Brain implored. "We _do_ have a reputation to uphold."

Misato smiled sheepishly, a sweat drop by her head, as she gave them a tiny wave. "Heh-heh, sorry fellas," she said.

Ritsuko then cleared her own throat as soon as the lab mice left. "And on that note, the Sixth Child's just arrived," she informed Misato, pointing to the notification on her tablet.

**The school, around the same time...**

The day was halfway over, and Asuka, Rei, and Mayumi were sitting with Hikari, trying to keep her spirits up. Toji had left for Matsushiro today, so she was rightly worried about him. Meanwhile, Shinji and Kensuke were finishing up their tasks for their cleaning shift that day. Once done, Kensuke decided to head out ahead of the others, so Freakazoid could get an early start on his usual patrol. Soon enough, he ducked into an alley, said the words, and Freakazoid was out and about, as the Tokyo-3 criminal community suddenly collectively shuddered.

**Matsushiro test site...**

The entry plug had just been inserted successfully, and Unit-03's eyes lit up. Toji, clad in his black with red trim plugsuit, had managed to do as Misato and Ritsuko instructed, and was concentrating to get the sync in. So far, things were looking up. Until the absolute border was exceeded...

"Misato?" Toji started to say. "Somethin's not right..." The moment he said that, the EVA's eyes took on an evil-looking red glow, and the instruments began to go wild, to Misato and Ritsuko's mutual shock. Ritsuko grew even more worried when she noticed a white-ish, gooey-looking substance oozing all over the back of the EVA's neck. Then, just as things were about to go white throughout the test site, courtesy of Bardiel, Angel of Haze...

**-X-**

**[Suggested music: "Theme from A Summer Place" by the Percy Faith Orchestra.]**

The scene abruptly cut to live-action footage of a beautiful, wind-swept meadow, the word "Relax-O-Vision" digitally-superimposed over the setting.

**-X-**

**The streets of Tokyo-3...**

Freakazoid was running along in his usual 'flying' pose, until he found himself running alongside a familiar police car. Sgt. Kusagabe rolled the window down to talk to him.

"Hey Freakazoid," Kusagabe greeted.

"Oh, hiya Kusagabe," Freakazoid greeted in turn.

"I've got a 2-for-1 coupon for the Mt. Asama hot springs," Kusagabe offered as he held the piece of paper up for Freakazoid to see. "You wanna go?"

"DO I?!" Freakazoid enthusiastically replied.

_*SIGH* Here we go again..._Kensuke said to himself as he shook his head.

A short time later, both Freakazoid and Kusagabe were relaxing up to their chests in one of the pools of the hot springs, the same hot springs that Misato had taken Shinji and Asuka to after the ordeal with the 8th Angel (found in the active volcano itself).

"Aaaahhhh," Freakazoid let out as he enjoyed the warm, steaming waters, "now _this_ is the life." He then turned to Kusagabe. "If you're ever in D.C., you ought to check out the mud baths, they're just as good."

"Sounds like a dream," Kusagabe replied. "By the way, there's been an explosion at Matsushiro. Might be some big trouble going down."

"By golly, Kusagabe, that sounds like a job for ME!" Freakazoid exclaimed.

_Took you long enough,_ Kensuke chided with an eye roll.

"Quick, where's my towel?" He looked around briefly before stopping abruptly. "Forget it, no time, gotta go!" With that, Freakazoid zipped out of the pool and into his costume, and then speeded down the mountain path. He quickly clicked the button on a small remote attached to his keys, which then promptly summoned the Freakmobile to the start of the path. As soon as he hopped in, he floored it immediately towards the direction of Matsushiro, switching on the two-way comms to the Freakalair.

"R.O.D.D.Y., Naoko, what's the situation?" Freakazoid asked.

"Like yer copper friend said two paragraphs ago," R.O.D.D.Y. reported, "theere's been an explosion at Matsushiro, right at the test site where Unit-03 was gonna be activated."

"Cause of the explosion?" Freakazoid asked.

"Unit-03 itself, I'm afraid," Naoko chimed in. "According to the sensor data I intercepted, a pattern blue was detected right before the blast-Unit-03's been infected by an Angel! I've classified it as the 13th Angel, Bardiel."

_Oh man, TOJI!_ Kensuke fearfully said, worried for his best friend's safety.

"Don't worry, we'll save him," Freakazoid declared. "Have the other EVAs been deployed yet?"

"Just a few minutes ago," Naoko replied, "they're en route to the intercept location as we speak."

"Then there's no time to lose," Freakazoid said. "R.O.D.D.Y., have the Freakadrone prepped and launched to deliver that little science project I've been working on to where I'll park the Freakmobile."

"Aye, laddie," R.O.D.D.Y. confirmed as Freakazoid put the pedal to the metal and zoomed faster towards his destination.

By the time Freakazoid parked the Freakmobile at a small hill nearby, the three EVAs were already in position awaiting their target. Freakazoid popped in an earpiece to listen in on the communiques between the pilots and NERV HQ (thanks in part to Naoko patching in the connection). Already, he could hear Shinji expressing his worry, Asuka doing his best to reassure him, Rei remaining silent and stoic, and Gendo giving out orders in that uncaring tone of voice that was one of his trademarks (despite the wig and bowling shirt he was currently stuck wearing). The Commander himself was taking direct command of the operation due to Misato's MIA status.

"Target's coming within visual range," he heard Shigeru report. Freakazoid then looked towards where the EVAs were directed and saw the dark shape emerge from the hills. To the shock of the pilots and some of the bridge crew, it was Unit-03 itself. Freakazoid continued listening in as Gendo ordered the abort signal transmitted to try and get Toji's entry plug out, only to hear that it failed due to the Angel's jamming. Freakazoid looked through his binoculars and saw the gooey grey ooze on the back of the black EVA's neck.

"Eeeeewwww, that is one gross Angel," he commented as he made a face. "Status of the pilot?"

"Alive, but unconscious," Naoko reported.

At that point Freakazoid heard Gendo order that Unit-03 be abandoned and designated as the 13th Angel, much to the shock of the crew and pilots. Gendo then ordered that the Angel be destroyed, no matter the cost.

"Oh-kay, Commander Four-Eyes, you're really pushing it this time!" an upset Freakazoid said to himself, his grip on the binoculars tightening. "Those kinds of bad guys really make me mad!"

Suddenly, Bardiel ran towards its first target...

**-X-**

**[Suggested music: "Baby Elephant Walk" by Henry Mancini and his orchestra.]**

The scene abruptly cut to footage of a herd of elephants strolling across an African savanna. Superimposed on the setting were the words "Relax-O-Vision".

**-X-**

Unit-02 had been knocked to the ground, roughed up enough that it caused Asuka to eject, much to her chagrin. Bardiel then continued on its path. Unit-00 hid behind some trees, a pallet rifle in-hand, as it prepared to strike at the Angel from a distance. Just as Rei nearly had it in her crosshairs, with her silently apologizing to Toji for what she was about to do, Bardiel jumped up and backwards towards the blue, cyclopean EVA...

**-X-**

**[Suggested music: "Time is Tight" by Booker T. and the MG's.]**

The scene abruptly cut to live-action footage of people riding paddle-boats across a lake on a beautiful summer day. Superimposed onto the setting were the words "Relax-O-Vision".

**-X-**

Unit-00 was lying on the ground, having been also taken out of the fight. Bardiel then got up and continued on its way, with only Unit-01 left to stop it. Unfortunately, Shinji was not too keen on the possibility of hurting one of his best friends-or worse...

_What're we waiting for?!_ Kensuke demanded. _We need to do something!_

"For that, we need the right tools for the job," Freakazoid said. "And they should be arriving right about...now!"

Soon, the Freakadrone-a small, red thing that resembled an airplane-arrived and dropped off its parachuting cargo, which Freakazoid then caught and began to unpack. He then set about assembling what looked like a bazooka, a rocket, and a virtual-reality helmet with mic, which was connected to the Freakmobile's onboard computer.

_What's all this for?_ Kensuke wondered.

"Something I was working on to see if there was a way for me to fight the more colossal variety of Angels," Freakazoid replied. "The rocket will attach itself to an EVA's head, and the helmet and controller combo will allow me, with Naoko's help, to take command of the EVA itself, like a giant Rock'em Sock'em Robot."

_Well you'd better hurry,_ Kensuke urged, _'cause the Angel looks like it's going for the kill!_

Sure enough, Bardiel stopped for a moment in its advance on Unit-01 and leaped into the air, diving right for the purple EVA, getting closer and closer...

**-X-**

**[Suggested music: "Telstar" by the Tornados.]**

The scene abruptly cut to live-action footage of a satellite orbiting around the Earth, the beautiful, starry expanse of space in the background. Superimposed over the setting were the words "Relax-O-Vision".

"All right, THAT'S IT!" Asuka exclaimed, interrupting the music as she lifted up the retractable screen the scene was being projected on. She was somehow in H.A. Futterman's study, and was storming towards the man's desk, an accusing finger pointed at him. "I've had it with this 'Relax-O-Vision' junk! It ends RIGHT NOW!"

"And just what do you plan to do about it?" Futterman sarcastically asked her.

"Oh, you're gonna find out _real _soon..." Asuka hinted as she cracked her knuckles, a knowing smirk on her face.

"Uh oh...not again..." Futterman said before Asuka started beating him up, a scene that was conveniently blocked by live-action footage of a couple of puppies playing in a back yard, the words "Relax-O-Vision" superimposed on the scene. Despite that, one could still hear Futterman's monotone cries of pain as Asuka wailed on him.

**-X-**

Unit-01 staggered back to its feet just as Bardiel, crawling on all fours, lashed out with an elongated right arm that quickly wrapped around the purple EVA's neck.

"Uh oh, looks like it's now or never," Freakazoid said as he took aim with the launcher. Once he had a lock on the back of Unit-01's head, he pulled the trigger, causing the rocket-like object to fire. As it got closer to the head, the nosecone unfolded into a shape resembling a suction cup. Just as quickly as it did so, it made contact and latched onto the back of the purple EVA's head, making its eyes widen with surprise for a brief second. This didn't go unnoticed by the bridge back in Central Dogma.

"Sir! An unidentified object just attached itself to Unit-01!" Maya reported.

"Pulling up a visual now, sir," Makoto added as he typed in the command. The cameras then focused on the object that was now stuck to the back of the purple EVA's cranium. It looked like a small silvery cylinder with a blinking red antenna poking out of it.

"Can we disable it?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"Negative," Shigeru replied. "It's emitting a frequency that's interfering with all countermeasures."

Both Fuyutsuki and Gendo exchanged a glance, confused by this particular random happening.

Back on the ground, Freakazoid had donned the helmet and got out the controller (which resembled the kind you'd find attached to a video game console).

"All right, Naoko, fire it up and connect me to the EVA!" Freakazoid said.

"Connecting...stand by..." Naoko replied.

"Good luck, laddie," R.O.D.D.Y. added with concern.

Soon enough, the visor on Freakazoid's helmet lit up and the wacky wonder found himself traveling remotely into the core of the purple Evangelion. Once inside, he started walking towards a female figure who was observing the outside world. The closer he got, the more he noticed that she appeared to be a woman in her late 20's with short, chestnut-brown hair, wearing a lab coat, a skirt, and a pink blouse. Freakazoid had gotten some insight from Naoko on the personnel involved in the creation and development of the Evangelions, and now he was meeting another such face. Freakazoid chose that moment to gently tap the woman on the shoulder.

"Hi there! How's it going?" he asked cheerfully.

The woman jumped up with a startled yelp and abruptly turned around, clearly caught off-guard by the sudden intrusion. Upon seeing her face, Freakazoid briefly observed how she looked like a grown-up Rei Ayanami, minus the eye and hair color.

"DON'T with the scaring, it's not a good thing!" Yui Ikari exhorted in a very Lewis-y manner, her hand on her chest.

"Yep, no doubt about it, you're Shinji's mom all right," Freakazoid noted.

"Wait, you know my son?" Yui asked with surprise.

"We have a mutual friend," Freakazoid replied. "Listen, I'll explain everything later, right now we don't have much time. Shinji's in big trouble, and I wanna help him and his friend that's in the hijacked EVA just as much as you do. Mind letting me take the wheel here for a bit?"

Yui warily nodded 'yes', but then her eyes went wide when she saw something behind Freakazoid. "Oh no, not now!" she said as she pointed towards the approaching menace. Freakazoid turned around and saw what she was worried about: it looked like a big, red oni demon tattooed with binary code.

"What is that thing?!" Freakazoid asked in astonishment.

"The Dummy System Program," Yui replied. "Gendo had Ritsuko design it to be an autopilot for the EVA's. He never gave her the time to iron out the bugs, so if it takes control of Unit-01, there's no stopping it from ripping its opponent apart without mercy!" Her expression then turned to anger. "_Gendo no baka_, you just HAD to be a cheapskate on this one!" She then turned back to Freakazoid as she rolled up a sleeve. "You go help Shinji-I'll take care of ugly here. Thankfully, I can reshape this environment to my liking..." Yui then stormed forward as she was briefly covered in a flash of light.

**[Suggested music: "Pegasus Meteor Fist", the ****_Saint Seiya_**** soundtrack.]**

When Freakazoid lowered his arm, he gaped at the transformation Yui had just undergone. She was now clad in a golden suit of armor, with what looked to be various weapons attached to it.

"What's with the-?" Freakazoid started to ask.

Yui smiled as she answered. "When I was a kid, _Saint Seiya_ was one of my favorite manga series," she explained, "and the Libra cloth was my favorite armor, since it was a wearable arsenal. Now then..." She proceeded to remove a part attached to her right gauntlet, which soon unfolded into one of the armor's two tonfa. The Dummy System oni, seeing this, growled as it clutched its club. "BRING IT ON!" Yui yelled, tonfa raised high, as she rushed towards the digital demon, who likewise did the same. As their fight was conveniently covered by a cartoonish dust cloud, Freakazoid quickly went to where Yui had been standing before and picked up what looked like the controls for Unit-01. He then spoke into a little-used 'mic' on the 'dashboard'.

Within the entry plug, Shinji was startled out of his helplessness by the voice that suddenly sounded in his head.

"Hang tight, Shinji, I'll take it from here," Freakazoid said. Soon, the lights in the plug briefly went dark, and Shinji caught his breath as he rubbed his neck, the feeling of being strangled gone. The plug then lit up again, as the face of Freakazoid greeted him on a screen.

Back near the Freakmobile, Freakazoid spoke into his helmet mic as his hands gripped the controller. "All right, R.O.D.D.Y.-activate palette-swap!" he said.

"Roger," the digital Scotsman replied. At that moment, holo-emitters emerged from the object attached to Unit-01's head, and soon those watching in Central Dogma stared, dumbfounded, as the color scheme on Unit-01 began to change. Most of its body turned red, while the hands and feet became white. Freakazoid's logo appeared on its chest, while most of the head turned blue, save for the areas around the eyes, which turned black-almost like Freakazoid's mask. A larger hologram of Freakazoid's hairdo then appeared atop the EVA's head, completing the transformation. Bardiel was stunned by what just happened, more so when the Freak-a-fied Unit-01 then forcibly unraveled the Angel-controlled EVA's elongated right arm from around its neck, balled the hand into a fist, stretched it back a ways, and then let it loose. The fist immediately met Bardiel's 'face' with a loud ***CLANG***, causing the black EVA to stagger backwards as a ring of stars danced around its eyes; the Angel then shook its head to get its bearings.

Freak-a-01, now with a moment to itself, then tried to say something, only to find its voice muffled. Immediately figuring out why, it then proceeded to pull the restraints off of its jaw. **"MAN that's better,"** Freak-a-01 said.

In Central Dogma, whereas everyone was further shocked, Gendo was completely floored. "Th-th-this _cannot_ be happening!" he said alarmingly.

Freak-a-01 gave its form a quick look-over. **"Oof, have I ever been skinnier?"** it asked. **"This body type always makes me feel so twiggy and hyper-stylized, like a character from an early Image comic! *YECH!*"**

Bardiel, having regained its bearings, paid no heed to the Freak-a-fied EVA's words as it lunged at the colossus with a roar. Freak-A-01 merely jumped up and landed on top of Bardiel's head, somehow without causing the black EVA to fall over. Freak-a-01 then crouched as it then did something unexpected-it yodeled. Or rather, yodeled like Jerry Lewis playing an amateur cantor winging it on his first day.

**"YODEL-AY-HEE-HOOOOO-ALAAAAAYYYYY-MALAIGOOOOLLLL-ACH-ACH-ACHLEMUGAH-SHALOOOOOOMMMM-AYYIYIALOH-ALOHA, lady in the dress _uniform_...".**

On hearing that last bit, the female members of the bridge crew looked at one another, perplexed. Maya shrugged.

Bardiel tried to hit the now-annoying EVA atop its head, only for Freak-a-01 to jump off, resulting in Bardiel once again hitting itself. The black EVA staggered about again, and again shook its head to regain its bearings. When it saw Freak-a-01 standing a few feet away, giving it a tiny teasing wave with a big, stupid grin on its face, Bardiel let loose a furious roar.

**"You don't frighten me, Angelic pig-dog!"** Freak-a-01 bit back in a ridiculous French accent, giving the black EVA confused pause.

Once again, the staff in Central Dogma were stunned. Even Asuka, observing with the rest of the recovery team that had come for her, was speechless. Rei, still in Unit-00, once again mooned over Freakazoid, a big, beatific smile on her face. _Go get 'im, tiger!_ she thought wistfully.

The Freak-a-fied EVA didn't stop there: **"Go and boil your bottom, spawn of a silly creature! Ah blow my nose at you so-called 'Bahr-dee-uhlll'! You and all you silly Angelic crrrrrrrrrrrrretins!"**

Bardiel's jaw, along with those of all human observers, dropped when Freak-a-01 then proceeded to blow a series of raspberries at it, while clanging on the metal of its helmet in a goofy fashion.

Bardiel blinked for a moment, before it remembered just what it was supposed to be doing. Before it could unleash another roar, it found itself 'talking to the hand' of Freak-a-01.

**"Ah don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough-whiper!" **Freak-a-01 then started shaking its rear end in Bardiel's direction. **"IIIIIII TOOT in your general direction!"** It then turned back around and pointed at the black EVA. **"Your mother was a skin rash, and your father smelt of Athlete's Foot!"** It then proceeded to give Bardiel a dismissive 'shooing' wave, its other hand on its hip. **"Now go away, or Ah shall taunt you a SECOND time!"**

An eerie pause emerged as no one, human, EVA, or Angel, moved. Bardiel briefly looked in our direction, a befuddled expression on its face, before turning back to Freak-a-01. It snarled, just before it launched itself at the Freak-a-fied EVA, arms outstretched. Before it could get a grip on its foe, Freak-a-01 ducked and crawled between the black EVA's legs, yelling/singing out more nonsense as it did.

Freak-a-01:

**_Low bridge, every-body baaack!_**

**_Low bridge, Bardiel's underwear is black!_**

Once again, an extremely befuddled look appeared on Bardiel's face, a sentiment shared by the human observers of this fight.

**_Black-ack! It looks like he's got the pooties, oooo-ties!_**

**_G'byyyyeeee..._** [Freak-a-01 then held its hands out in a 'stopping' motion.] _**Stop the singing nowww...**_[It then started doing some strange dancing while it continued, its singing growing softer.] _**End the singing song, stop, go, enough with the song, STOP, bring it down...**_

Strangely, in Central Dogma, and on the hilltop where Asuka and her recovery team were, all spectators found themselves following Freak-a-01's motions as they started crouching down.

_**Goin' down, stop, sh-sh-sh-sh, everybody's goin' with the sh-sh-sh-sh on this side o' the field, sssshhhhhhh...EVERY-BODY BACK!**_

Bardiel, ever-highly confused by its opponent's antics, again briefly looked our way before it decided to give up on trying to understand anything its foe did, and just went full-on feral as it leaped at Freak-a-01. The Freaky EVA leap-frogged over Bardiel, sending it crashing into a mountain, where it became stuck.

**"Okay, time to end this,"** Freak-a-01 said as it turned around. **"Bring 'er in!"**

On hearing that, Naoko and R.O.D.D.Y. triggered the launch of a custom EVA weapons locker that landed to the side of Freak-a-01. The EVA then opened it up and took out something that took all human spectators by surprise: an industrial-sized bottle of ACME Progressive 'Goo-Gone', along with a large metal canister with a lid. Freak-a-01 then walked over to Bardiel, still struggling to pull its head out of the mountain, and undid the cap on the bottle. It then carefully poured the liquid on the areas of the black EVA's neck where the goopy Angel was present, causing the Angel to shriek with revulsion as it began oozing itself out of the recesses of its host. When it was finally off, the EVA slumped, no longer mobile. Freak-a-01 herded the retreating sludge into the metal canister, set the bottle down, and then took out from somewhere on its person a big stick of ACME Progressive Dynamite, the fuse already lit, which it then dropped into the canister before sealing it shut and placing it a good distance away. Freak-a-01 then ran back to where the other EVAs were, crouched down, and stuck its fingers into its audio receptors.

**"Fire in the hole!"** it exclaimed.

Meanwhile, in the canister, Bardiel's eyes opened, and it soon noticed that it couldn't see a thing in the pitch-darkness. It lit a match, and its eyes widened with horror when it saw the stick of Dynamite. Bardiel then looked our way and held up a sign, on which was printed:

**WORST. DEFEAT. EVER!**

A large but slightly-muffled ***BOOM*** was soon heard, as the inside of the canister exploded, blowing Bardiel to smithereens. Freak-a-01 then stood back up, walked over to the now-ruined canister and inspected it. When finished, Freak-a-01 then turned in the direction of where the cameras connected to NERV HQ would no doubt be watching, and gave everyone two thumbs-up. **"All gone!"** it said in the vein of many a NyQuil ad.

Speaking of those within NERV HQ, stunned silence reigned until Fuyutsuki cleared his throat.

"Status?" he asked.

"Oh! Uh, confirmed-pattern blue is gone, sir," Makoto reported.

Nearly everyone on the bridge breathed a sigh of relief. Then, much to their surprise, the color scheme on Unit-01 began to return to normal, while Shinji found himself back in control of the colossal biomech.

"Pilot Ikari, are you all right in there?" Fuyutsuki asked over the comms.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine," Shinji replied, before a look of worry returned to his face. "Misato! Is she-?!"

"Don't worry, we sent out a rescue team a while ago," the vice-commander replied. "Right now, I'll need you to help Unit-00 back up. Once done, you and Pilot Ayanami will carry Unit-02 back to base."

"What about Unit-03 and Toji?" Shinji asked.

"We'll send another recovery team to fish him out of the entry plug," Fuyutsuki responded. "Along with a work crew to...dig Unit-03 out of the mountainside."

"Thank you," Shinji said, relieved. Mentally, he also thanked Freakazoid for his help, and then began heading towards Unit-00 to help get Rei back on her feet.

Meanwhile, within the core of Unit-01, Freakazoid was speaking to Yui, who was standing triumphantly atop the royally-trounced Dummy System oni, now set for permanent deletion.

"Nice job, doc," Freakazoid said, "but now we need to talk. So start at the beginning."

Yui had a pretty good idea of what he was asking about, so she sighed and began explaining to him about everything-SEELE being the architects of Second Impact, hers and Gendo's time with GEHIRN, the development of the EVAs, and of course her ill-fated contact experiment with Unit-01. When she finished, Freakazoid shook his head disapprovingly, his arms folded.

"Oy, Yui, you fibbed to Shinji and Gendo about what you were doing," he said, before pointing to her as his brows furrowed. "If this were an after-school special, oh you'd pay a bit-ter-sweet price for your little deceit. Like getting multiple gray hairs before reaching your golden years, or, or being forced to eat at the same place at the table between Gary Busey and Kid Rock! Eeeww! *BLUGH!* *GAGH!* Ooh! They're on either side of you, just pigging out like ya wouldn't believe! And you have-to-sit-between-them! *YECH!* Think about it!"

Yui just stared at him, wide-eyed with shock over his accusation, before throwing her arms up in the air.

"What was I supposed to do?!" she asked in an attempt to defend herself. "I didn't think Gendo would be so clingy for me that he'd abandon Shinji like that! Much less put him through all this torture!"

"THIS is why you should never make assumptions about people," Freakazoid chided her. "I mean really, you're a smart girl, couldn't you have thought of any other way to stop SEELE's plans?"

"Their eyes were everywhere!" Yui argued. "I couldn't exactly go to the proper authorities when I knew the old men would've probably had someone on their payroll. Trust me, even I was shocked when I found out my father was in on all of this. I thought we were doing something! Really trying to make a difference! To save our species!"

"Still, you know what they say about best intentions..." Freakazoid hinted.

"Which would be...?" Yui inquired with one arched eyebrow.

"No idea," Freakazoid answered nonchalantly. "Point I'm making is, you owe it to Shinji to make up for yours and Gendo's mistakes. Now that I know more of the story, I'm gonna do my part to see that SEELE gets beaten and brought to justice, and I think it's high time you did the same."

Yui, giving it some thought, sighed before realizing Freakazoid was right on this. "All right, so what do you want me to do?" she asked.

"For starters? Actually _talk_ to Shinji," Freakazoid suggested. "None of that 'warm, mysterious feeling' that you've given him before when he synced, actually _talk_ to him. Fill him in on everything, we'll need him too."

Yui nodded at this. "All right, next time they undergo a sync test, I'll reach out to him," she agreed. "I think you should probably contact my colleague Kyoko, Asuka's mother, in Unit-02 as well, get her to do the same."

Freakazoid was surprised by this. "Wait, Asuka's mom is in an EVA too?" A frustrated, annoyed expression then appeared on his face. "Ooh, those SEELE guys are SICK!"

"Tell me something I don't know," Yui said, as she looked down at the Dummy System oni. "I think you'd better run along, I can imagine you've got some work to do."

"No kidding," Freakazoid agreed. "Gotta tell ya, don't think I'll be doing this again. While I was synced with the EVA, it felt a bit icky."

"Don't I know it," Yui replied with a shudder as she looked down at the oni again. "I'll get rid of Mr. Gruesome here. That way the EVAs will still remain solely human-operated."

"Good thinking," Freakazoid said. "Well, nice meeting you, good luck with talking to Shinji, and I'm out!" With that, Freakazoid vanished in a flash of light from the core, leaving Yui to start dismantling the Dummy System program.

Out in the real world, the attachment's antenna stopped blinking and the whole thing soon fell off of Unit-01's head. Before it could hit the ground, it self-destructed, to prevent its technology from falling into the wrong hands. Meanwhile, back at the Freakmobile, Freakazoid took his helmet off, and immediately noticed the 'helmet-hair' he was left with. He then got out a rubber balloon, inflated it, rubbed it against his chest, and then raised it above his head, the ensuing static bringing his hair back up into its usual shape. Freakazoid then let the balloon go, causing it to fly off into the distance.

"You okay, Kensuke?" Freakazoid asked.

For a moment, he was met with silence, until Kensuke finally responded.

_That...I can't believe it..._he said, still shocked by the revelations from Freakazoid and Yui's conversation.

"I know, it's a lot to take in, pal," Freakazoid said, "maybe we should get you home. I think you might wanna sleep on this. We'll talk about it another day. That sound fair?"

_Sure,_ Kensuke replied, _good idea. Maybe I'll read that book Mayumi lent me._

"Whatever works for ya," Freakazoid said reassuringly. "Whatever works..."

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Hope this fight threw you all for a loop, compared how it normally goes in the canon. Big thanks to Azure Dragon of the East again for his advice on Freakazoid hacking Unit-01.**

**Before I go any further into the annotations, a couple of remarks. First, RIP the late, great comic book writer Denny O'Neil, a legend of DC and Marvel and the man who many a Transformers fan is thankful to for naming Optimus Prime. Second, a congrats to the great Al Jaffee on his retirement from ****_MAD _****magazine at age 99, THAT is quite the career.**

**Much of this chapter is modeled a bit on the main segment of ****_Freakazoid's _****ninth episode, "Relax-O-Vision". Some of the dialogue during the fight (along with Freakazoid's scolding of Yui) is based on the banter from Freakazoid's fight with Cave Guy in "Dance of Doom".**

**The rainbow wig falling on Gendo is lifted from the seventh season episode of ****_The Simpsons, _****"Two Bad Neighbors", where Homer and Bart do that to former U.S. president George H.W. Bush.**

**More minor Freakazoid characters get name drops when Kaji comes over to the apartment. Eye-of-Newt is a big monster eyeball with a hairdo modeled after that of former U.S. House speaker Newt Gingrich, Kid Carrion is a zombie cowboy who only appeared in a cameo and in the opening title sequence, and Milk Man was the villain who sent the original Expendable Lad to the hospital with a bruised clavicle in the episode that introduced Fan Boy. The Crimson Kvetch was an elderly retired superhero featured in the season one segment "Legends Who Lunch", which riffed on Golden Age comic heroes like the Justice Society of America.**

**Shinji's rebuttal of Kaji's idea of understanding people opens with a riff on Freakazoid's annoyed critique of the Lobe's plan in the season one segment "The Cloud".**

**This time, both Pinky and the Brain cameo in this story.**

**Freakazoid and Kusagabe's trip to the hot springs riffs on Freakazoid and Cosgrove going to the mud baths in the actual "Relax-O-Vision" segment.**

**Yui's reaction to Freakazoid, much like her son's, riffs on the ****_Animaniacs _****segment "Hearts of Twilight". Yui being a ****_Saint Seiya _****fan was of my own invention, but I admit I was also riffing on one of the omakes in OrionPax09's "Lilith's Herald" story.**

**Freak-a-01's 'French'-accented taunt is lifted from one of the more famous scenes from ****_Monty Python and the Holy Grail_****.**

**For those interested in an artist's rendition of the Freakazoid-controlled Unit-01, head on over to DeviantArt and type in the search engine 'NERV Freaks Out: 'Freak-a-01''.**

**And on another note, a personal burning question of mine:**

**Whose legs do you gotta pull to get a TV Tropes page made for your previous Super-Wackos entry and this one?**


	23. Episode 22

The camera opened onto a brightly-lit studio soundstage, with members of the press filling almost every seat in attendance. Freakazoid shook hands with the bespectacled Bandai executive, with three others looking on from the right and twin models sporting hairstyles similar to Freakazoid's standing on either side of a small pedestal, an object hidden under a cloth on the base of the top. Behind all of them were boxes that had a logo for "Freak-a-01". Mid-handshake, Freakazoid and the executive quickly turned to smile for the cameras as a few flashes went off. The two then exchanged bows as they disengaged from the handshake, with the executive then addressing the press.

"On behalf of the rest of us in the marketing group," she said, "I would like to thank Freakazoid for the great numbers from last week's chapter, AND for the ensuing successful launch of the brand-new 'Freak-a-01' special action figure tie-in to _Neon Genesis Evangelion_!" She then gave the two models their cue, and the one on the right proceeded to remove the cloth, revealing a highly-detailed action figure of the Freak-a-fied Unit-01. Applause and cheering ensued after the unveiling, as Freakazoid then turned to address the press as well.

"You're very welcome," Freakazoid said with an eager grin as he bowed. He then turned around, his back to the audience, as he began shuffling something in his hands. Upon realizing we were still watching, he turned a bit to face us, revealing the wad of cash in his hands that he'd been counting. He shrugged with a smile. "What can I say? It's part of my contract," he said before resuming his counting of the money in his hands.

**Episode 19 - A Break from A Piece of the Action**

"I can't believe I missed all of this," Misato, arm in a sling, mused with surprise as she watched the footage from the fight against the 13th Angel.

"Granted, we _were_ both unconscious at the time," Ritsuko said with a slight roll of her eyes, a bandage wrapped around her head. The two of them, along with Kaji, were being briefed on the battle as Maya walked them through the events of that day.

"Overall, we were very fortunate that both Unit-03 and its pilot were successfully recovered," Maya said as she concluded the report. "Although strangely, when we looked over Unit-01's internal programming, we found something really surprising."

"Which was...?" Ritsuko asked with an arched eyebrow.

"It must have happened while Freakazoid took control of the EVA," Maya theorized, "but the Dummy System was deleted from Unit-01. And it wasn't by Freakazoid's hands."

Now it was Ritsuko's turn to be surprised, though part of her suspected who the culprit was. "We were really lucky then," she said. "If it had successfully activated in its unfinished state, it would've been fatal for Unit-03's pilot."

"Thank goodness for small favors then, eh?" Kaji chimed in. The others nodded in agreement.

"Speaking of, how's Toji doing?" Misato asked.

"He's currently resting in NERV medical," Maya replied with a small smile. "The other pilots are visiting him right now."

**NERV Medical, around the same time...**

Toji was sitting up in his hospital bed as Shinji, Asuka and Rei told him about what happened while he'd been out cold in Unit-03. The more weirder and wackier it got, the wider his eyes became.

"That's...definitely somethin' I didn't expect on my first day," Toji said with a scratch of his head.

"Believe me, I thought the same thing," Asuka said as she shook her head. "Just like that, another Angel battle got turned into a cartoon. (A cartoon that didn't make sense...)"

"Well, least ya can't blame Shinji for stealin' your thunder," Toji said with a mild chuckle, resulting in Asuka elbowing him in the right arm. "Ow! Hey watchit, I'm recoverin' here!"

"Be grateful for Hikari's sake I'm leaving you in one piece," Asuka said sarcastically.

"I'm just glad you're in one piece, period," Shinji said. "Other than that...welcome aboard, rookie."

Toji gaped at hearing this, while Asuka smiled a bit on seeing her beau show a little moxie.

"I just wish I didn't have to stay here any longer," Toji complained.

"It is only to keep you under observation, to ensure there is no contamination of any sort," Rei said. "And even then, it is only for 48 hours."

"Still, I'm startin' to see why Shin-man hates hospitals," Toji replied, before turning to address us with a smile. "Not that you kids reading this shouldn't go to the hospital if ya ever need to."

The other pilots then turned to face us as well, also smiling.

"He's right, you know," Asuka added. The shot then cut to some live-action footage of a hospital's fypical goings-on. "After all," she continued via voiceover, "hospitals help you get better when you're sick or seriously injured. Or if you've got a foreign object stuck up your nose..."

"They are staffed by highly-trained, dedicated professionals committed to doing their best to heal you and get you back on your feet-sometimes literally," Rei contributed.

"Plus," Shinji said as a shot opened on him getting food at a hospital's commissary, "contrary to popular belief, the food served in hospitals is very high-quality stuff."

**Announcer: "This segment was brought to you by the National Federation of Hospitals and Clinics of Japan. Now, back to our story."**

**Meeting with the SEELE council, yet again around that same time...**

_Am I glad for the amount of prep time given_, Gendo thought to himself as he listened to the rest of the council's discussion. Before the meeting had started, Gendo had managed to acquire the adhesive remover he'd ordered in no time flat, and with Fuyutsuki's help managed to dissolve much of the glue holding that dag-blamed rainbow wig on his head. (Only a few small flakes of dried glue remained, but those would easily be removed with a shower at home.) Add in the spare suit jacket in his office, and none of the council would be the wiser with regards to anything odd happening to him the previous day.

"Now then, on to the business at hand," Armando Gutierrez said as he looked Gendo's way, disapproval in his tone. "The, shall we say, unusual way in which the battle with the 13th Angel was resolved." He and Gendo both traded steely, unyielding gazes as they looked for any possible openings to exploit.

"Freakazoid's intervention was, as always, completely unexpected on our part," Gendo said, "Rest assured, our future attempts at capture or elimination will prove to be more effective. I have doubled Boa-Magnon's pay, as a start. Yet, I will reluctantly admit, it is thanks to him that we now have an additional operational Evangelion and pilot."

"That may be true," Gutierrez replied, "yet still, Freakazoid's apprehension must remain a top priority." He paused a moment as something else occurred to him. "What of your head of Section-2?"

Gendo sighed before he answered. "Unfortunately," he began to say, "both Captain Chiron and his number two man, Sato, have elected to make use of all their accumulated vacation days." For a moment, he slightly grimaced. "Apparently, they'd accumulated a lot of them..."

"I see," Gutierrez replied. "To that end, I will be forwarding you some schematics to construct a device for Boa-Magnon's use." He then pulled up a small diagram of the device in question. "This will be able to detect Freakazoid's unique electromagnetic signature. For him, evading capture will be next-to-impossible with this device in-hand." He then swiped the diagram away. "I will also be contacting a colleague of mine for his assistance. He is just as set on Freakazoid's destruction as either of us. Expect word from him in a couple of weeks."

"Understood," Gendo replied. With that, the meeting adjourned. As the lights came back up, Gendo stood, and he and Fuyutsuki walked out of the meeting room, where the former tasked him with making arrangements for the next sync test, this time with Toji Suzuhara included.

**The Freakalair, hours later...**

"That has got to be one of the most convoluted villain plots I've ever heard of!" Freakazoid said. He, Kensuke, and R.O.D.D.Y. had been speaking with Naoko about the things he'd learned after conversing with Yui Ikari in the core of Unit-01. "And all because they think humanity's reached an evolutionary dead end? That's just...dumb! We've barely just begun!" He stood up as he continued to rant on. "We still haven't even gotten to the point where we're living like the future of _Star Trek_! Or at least _The Jetsons_! With the flying cars, the witty robot sidekicks, the instant food replicators...And these old fogeys don't wanna give us the time to actually reach those heights! It's, again, dumb!"

_Even worse when you consider Commander Ikari's version of the plot,_ Kensuke added. _I can't believe he wants to use Shinji like that! No wonder the guy always seemed so miserable._

"_Now_ you're getting it," Freakazoid said.

"Aye, there've been many a villainous plot over the yeers," R.O.D.D.Y. added, "but b'tween this and Apple's marketin' strategy fer i-anythin', SEELE's and Ikari's definitely takes th' cake on this one!"

"And I paid the price for my unknowing part in it," Naoko commented sorrowfully. "But make no mistake, I'll help you stop them any way I can. I'm not going to let my Ritsuko sink further with him if I can help it!"

"Then we're gonna need a plan going forward," Freakazoid said. "And we're gonna need to get all the good ones at NERV on our side for this, starting with the pilots."

"Thankfully we're in luck," Naoko said, "I recently registered Fuyutsuki consulting with Ritsuko on the next wave of sync tests."

"Good, that'll be where Yui and Kyoko'll have a long-awaited reunion with Shinji and Asuka," Freakazoid affirmed.

_We gotta be careful though,_ Kensuke warned, _if these guys are as far-reaching as Shinji's mom said they are, they'll be out to make sure nothing stops them, which means you'll have a big target on your back._

"Ah, I wouldn't worry about that," Freakazoid confidently dismissed. "I'm a superhero! They never accounted for that in their plans! Besides, it's not like they're gonna up the stakes even more."

**A secret lab facility underneath Silicon Valley, California, some time later...**

A phone rang in the study of the secret underground complex hidden under a front company called "Trusty Brain LLC". Its occupant picked it up after putting down some reports he was going over, and held the receiver to where his ear would be.

"Hello? Trusty Brain LLC, what can I do for you?" the man asked.

"Greetings and salutations, old friend," Gutierrez said on the other line. "It's been quite a while now, hasn't it?"

"Ah, Armando, it indeed has been too long," the man. "How're things with you, lately?"

"Oh, they've been fine," Gutierrez replied casually. "I came out of hiding and usurped command of a secret cabal that's been controlling most of the world for the past decade, nothing too spectacular. And among their assets is NERV, believe it or not."

"Did you, now? That _is_ surprising," the man said. "What brought this on, if you don't mind my asking?"

"Simple, really..." Gutierrez answered, a grim smirk on his face. "..._He_ has returned."

There was a long pause as the man took those words in. His longtime arch-nemesis was back, after a decade-and-a-half out of action.

"What are you proposing?" the man asked with a grim curiosity.

"Tell me, my friend," Gutierrez began to answer, "have you ever visited Japan? It's very lovely this time of year."

"Now that you mention it, I _have_ wanted to visit the land of the rising sun for some time," the man replied. "I've been a strong admirer of some of the technological innovations they've contributed to the world at large. Plus, the sheer variety of Kit-Kat bar flavors they've invented? Genius, truly genius."

"Indeed," Gutierrez agreed. "How soon can you make the trip?"

"I'll need to make some additional preparations before my departure," the man answered. "And given that the country appears to be the epicenter of the Angel attacks, I trust NERV has kept some of the genetic material of these creatures on-hand?"

"I'm guessing you have a small project in mind," Gutierrez guessed.

"Your guess is correct," the man replied. "I shall require a few samples for my purposes. I'll send you an outline of my ideas soon."

"I look forward to what you have come up with," Gutierrez said. "We shall chat again soon. Take care."

With that, both men hung up. At that moment, the man turned his chair around till he faced us. He was unusual in that his entire head resembled a large, exposed brain, very fitting considering his status as a notorious evil genius. An evil grin full of sinister anticipation appeared on his face, as if he were excited for a familiar challenge he hadn't faced for a long, long time.

"Bum-bum-BUUUUUUUMMMMMMM!" the Lobe intoned with no small amount of foreboding.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**First of all, personal milestone. At 65 reviews, this has been my most-reviewed story in my relatively short time on this site! Big thankaroonie to everyone who read my stuff from day one.**

**The opening bit with the toy launch riffs on the ending segment from "Hot Rods from Heck", which was all about the Freakmobile toyline. Of course, Bandai would probably be behind a Freak-a-01 action figure.**

**The hospital 'PSA' the pilots take us through is a slight update of the one from "The Wrath of Gutierrez", and also is a minor riff on the recently-discovered 'lost' Evangelion-themed AIDS PSA everyone was talking about a short while ago. (Just a different intended audience, though.)**

**At this point, Chiron and Sato won't be appearing in this story for the foreseeable future. (Don't wanna incur OrionPax09 and/or Mike313's wrath any more than I might have, if at all.)**

**At last, another major Freakazoid villain makes his debut in the story! What will his plan entail? That'll have to wait, since next chapter sees Boa-Magnon make another attempt on Freakazoid.**

**And now for some fun, featuring a Freakazoid villain not seen since episode 9 of the original TV show!**

_OMAKE 6 - (S)Not What They Expected_

The alarms blared throughout the city and NERV HQ, as everyone scrambled to their stations. The pilots soon got into their EVAs and were rocketed towards the surface, where a weapons locker was waiting for them.

"Give me a sit-rep," Misato commanded.

"Pattern orange detected for now," Makoto reported.

"Object approaching in the next few minutes," Maya added.

Up above the city, Freakazoid, flying around on his jetpack, observed the EVAs as they got ready for battle. He then looked in the direction of the approaching threat. Seeing it through a pair of binoculars clued him in to just what it was. And what it was, was a very familiar nuisance.

_Recognize it?_ Kensuke asked, wondering just what the thing was.

"Oh yeah, we've _definitely_ met before," Freakazoid answered as he lowered his binoculars. "Though he does seem a smidge bigger than the last time. Think I'll let the pilots take this one. It'll provide a valuable...learning experience."

_How so?_ Kensuke asked.

"You'll see," Freakazoid said as he then put his earpiece on, allowing him to listen in on the communiques between the EVAs and Central Dogma.

In the EVAs themselves, the pilots were starting to get antsy. (Well, one of them at least.)

"Come on, let's get this over with already!" Asuka demanded. Shinji swallowed a bit, Rei remained stoic, and Toji just stared with determination.

On the bridge, a pinging was finally heard at Makoto's console.

"Pattern detected!" he said, alerting the rest of the staff.

"Blue?" Ritsuko asked.

"No, it's...green?!" Makoto reported, surprised and confused by the reading.

"HUH?!" said nearly everyone. Soon they heard a roar that almost sounded like there was an underlying gurgle with it. Finally, the creature appeared in front of the EVAs. The pilots and the bridge crew were astonished and perplexed by its appearance. It resembled an enormous, glowing, upright blob of oozing green slime, with tentacle-like arms and a couple of bulbous eyes. Bubbles appeared and popped constantly all over its body.

"But if it's not an Angel..." Shinji began to ask.

"Then what the heck IS that thing?" Toji asked, finishing the question.

**"I...AM..."** the thing started to say in a deep, menacing voice, before something interrupted its train of thought as its 'face' began to scrunch up. It didn't take long for everyone to realize what was happening:

The creature was about to sneeze.

**"AH...AH...AH...WAAAAAHHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOO!...THE BOOGER BEAST,"** the creature finally managed to say.

The creature's sneezing deposited an enormous amount of mucus-like slime all over the place, covering the city and the EVAs. The staff on the bridge blanched and gagged at the sight.

"DIS-GUSTING...!" Ritsuko groaned with a shudder.

"Oh, that is just NASTY!" Misato said with a grimace.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Maya added, even as she started to turn a bit green.

"Too late," Shigeru got out before sticking his face into a wastebasket.

It was even worse for the pilots.

"EEEEEEEEWWWWW!" Asuka exclaimed, recoiling with disgust. Shinji gagged at the thought of Unit-01 being covered in the gunk, and thanks to the synchronicity that came with piloting, he could actually feel it oozing all over, despite being in the plug.

"Nobody told me it'd be this gross!" Toji bemoaned. "I mean what is this, a _Captain Underpants_ book?!"

The next person to say anything was the least likeliest, as Rei, an un-amused look on her face, then spoke up.

"Annnnnd, I quit. You win!" she said to the Booger Beast, as Unit-00's arms went up in a show of defeat, the blue EVA turning to head back to the launch bay. "Now someone get me a big box of Progressive Kleenex!"

Freakazoid then looked our way, a small, wry grin on his face. "I didn't say they _wouldn't_ be learning the hard way now, did I?" he said with a knowing wink.


	24. Episode 23

**Episode 20 - (Nearly Done with) A Break from a Piece of the Action**

Maya kept her focus on the current subject of her observations as she input data into the spreadsheet she had up on her computer. Data that, unfortunately, had yet to show anything remotely new. It'd been that way for almost the entire time that the presently-tiny Leiliel, the 12th Angel, had been the newest addition to NERV HQ's labs. Yet in all the time that it'd been there, floating in the ACME progressive jar that Freakazoid had provided them, Leiliel hadn't really done much of anything except look around the lab, like an eye taking stock of its surroundings. The fact that it didn't 'blink', unnerved Maya a bit. Thankfully, mostly she felt bored by the lack of activity the captive Angel was showing.

"There's gotta be something you do other than, well, float," Maya said to herself as she added another line of data. She then took a moment to grab a tiny cookie from the bag she'd gotten from the vending machine a couple of hours prior and munched on it. She failed to notice a few of the crumbs fall into the small air holes in the lid of the jar, and when Leiliel saw them coming, it quickly shifted forms into a tiny black hole and swallowed them-something that Maya did notice, much to her surprise. Her level of surprise further increased when she saw the orb avatar return, only with its pattern now resembling a smiley face. Maya, for a few moments, was speechless. Deciding to check to see if she wasn't imagining things, Maya carefully unscrewed the lid, took out another cookie from the bag, and dropped it into the jar. Leiliel quickly reacted, shifting into its Dirac portal form to devour the cookie whole. Returning to its orb avatar form, the smiley face pattern became even more pronounced. Maya was startled when she heard the diminutive Angel go "mmm" in response to the cookie's taste. Wanting to confirm a second time, just to be on the safe side, Maya warily dropped another cookie into the jar, which Leiliel quickly, delightfully devoured. A small smile emerging on her face, Maya quickly got her phone out and immediately dialed a number.

"Hello? Maya? What's going on?" Ritsuko asked on the other line.

"Sempai, you've gotta get down here! I had a breakthrough with Leiliel!" Maya excitedly replied. "Turns out our guest is a bit of a real Cookie Monster! You've got to see it to believe it, trust me!"

A few minutes later, Ritsuko walked into the lab briskly towards where Maya and the jar were.

"All right, let's see your 'Cookie Monster'," Ritsuko said.

"Just watch," Maya said in turn as she got out another cookie from the bag. Once again, she dropped it into the jar and Leiliel promptly ate it, with Ritsuko becoming highly surprised by the smiley face pattern on the orb avatar as well as the sounds of the Angel of Night savoring the taste of the treat. It was official: the Angel currently in their possession (that wasn't down in Terminal Dogma or grafted onto Commander Ikari's right palm) was a foodie-a foodie with a sweet tooth.

"Maya, this is brilliant!" Ritsuko commented, impressed with her protege's discovery. "We might be able to get it to cooperate more with our tests, thanks to you." The head scientist then gave it some more thought before she looked back up at Maya. "I'll need to get back to my other task for now, but going forward I want you to try experimenting with different foods, maybe see which ones will act as good 'rewards' for Leiliel."

"You got it," Maya agreed with a nod.

"Heh, I wonder how it'd react to Shinji's cooking..." Ritsuko mused to herself as she went to leave the lab.

Once she returned to her workspace, Ritsuko set about wrapping up her current assignment, at the behest of Commander Ikari. On his orders, and utilizing some schematics sent to him by Gutierrez, Ritsuko had constructed a remote-like device designed to detect Freakazoid's particular energy signature, and she was just putting the finishing touches on it. As soon as she snapped the casing together, she got on the phone and let Gendo know the 'Freakafinder' was complete. All she heard in return was one word:

"Excellent."

At that moment, Ritsuko tried her hardest not to picture a evilly-grinning Gendo wearing a dark blue suit and an orange tie, hunched over at his desk with his hands tented menacingly while the outline of a nuclear power plant steamed in the background behind a large window.

**The streets of Tokyo-3, evening...**

Freakazoid was on his usual rounds, having just thwarted a simple bank robbery mere moments ago, when he caught sight of something in the sky. Someone was shining a bright spotlight-a light that had his logo on it. A curious look on his face, he followed the spotlight to its source, the roof of the Tokyo-3 PD's headquarters, and found two familiar faces standing next to the spotlight. One was Sgt. Kusagabe, and the other was, surprisingly, Ryoji Kaji, his trademark sloppy grin on his face.

"Hey, I know you!" Freakazoid said as he recognized the latter. "You and that Misato lady saw me and Lilith playing _Uno_ the other day!"

"Ryoji Kaji," the unshaven spy introduced himself as he and Freakazoid shook hands, "honored to meet one of the world's greatest heroes."

"Oh, I wouldn't say _greatest_," Freakazoid said, feigning modesty with a dismissive wave. "So, what's with the signal?" he asked, scratching his head as he looked at the spotlight. "Huh, actually, never thought of getting my own before now..."

"Figured it was an easier way to contact you without driving all over the place and hoping to run into you," Kaji replied with a shrug. "I mean hey, it works for Batman."

**-X-**

At that moment, somewhere across town in the apartment of one Mayumi Yamagishi, the bespectacled bookworm in question sneezed.

"*Ugh* Why _me_?" she said as she adjusted her glasses, bemoaning her being subject to such a tired anime cliche.

**-X-**

"Inspector Kaji's been wanting to talk to you for a while now," Kusagabe explained. "Thought I'd be the go-between on your behalf."

"Well, since you got my attention, what's this all about?" Freakazoid asked the scruffy spy.

"Call it curiosity," Kaji said. "Not about your...superheroing, but your interactions with all things NERV since arriving in the city." He then glanced a bit at Kusagabe before continuing. "Think we can talk somewhere more discreet?"

"Oh, don't mind Kusagabe, I trust him!" Freakazoid replied, vouching for the officer. "Think you can tune us out, Kusagabe?"

"Consider me 'not here'," the police sergeant replied as he turned around and started reading a newspaper. Freakazoid and Kaji turned back to face each other as their conversation resumed.

"So far, in your time facing the Angels," Kaji said, "you somehow ventured into the MAGI on one occasion, and just recently figured out a way to take control of Evangelion Unit-01. And of course, me and Katsuragi walking in on your little game with Lilith. So my main point is...how much of the true face of NERV do you know about?"

"Well..." Freakazoid said almost eagerly, arms slightly crossed with his hand holding his chin.

**NERV HQ, sync testing lab, around the same time...**

The four pilots were well into their sync and harmonics tests for the day, but today something was going to be very different, as far as the pilots of Units-01 and 02 were concerned. It began when Shinji started feeling something slightly shifting as he held his concentration. And then, unexpectedly, he heard the least likeliest sound one could ever hear while syncing with an EVA:

The sound of someone knocking on a door.

Within his mindscape, Shinji looked around nervously, until the sound of the knocking came again, making him turn around to see a door.

"Um...who is it?" Shinji asked, apprehension in his voice.

"Shinji?" came a voice from the other side of the door. "It...it's me. It's mom."

Shinji's eyes widened upon hearing that. "M-Mom?! B-but...it can't be-" he said in disbelief. As far as he knew, Yui Ikari disappeared in an accident during the contact experiment with Unit-01-the very machine he'd been piloting. But now, after hearing her words, he began remembering the sound of her voice. "Can it...?"

"May I-may I come in?" Yui asked.

Shinji hesitated a moment, before finally saying "Yes". With permission granted, the door opened and in walked Yui. Sure enough, long-forgotten memories came flooding back to Shinji, and he quickly ran to her, where she wrapped him in a hug that'd been a long time coming. It felt good, really good, something he never realized he'd wanted till it happened.

"I thought-I thought you were gone," Shinji said as he looked up at Yui. "I went to your marker weeks ago..."

"I'm here, Shinji, I always have been," Yui replied. Hearing her say that caused Shinji to realize something right then.

"That warm feeling I've felt whenever I piloted..." he began to say. "Was that-?"

"Yes," Yui answered with a smile on her face. "I wasn't truly gone, Shinji. What happened all those years ago was the EVA absorbing me into its core. It's how you've been able to sync with Unit-01 all this time."

"But why?" Shinji asked. "Why did you even go through with it?"

Yui hesitated briefly before she answered. "Do you remember what I said the day of the experiment?"

Shinji nodded. "You said you were going to show me the bright future you were making for me," he replied.

"That wasn't entirely why," Yui admitted. "The other reasons have to do with those who were in charge of my work, and those of everyone who worked at NERV's predecessor, GEHIRN."

"What are you talking about?" Shinji asked, confused.

"...Shinji, have you heard anyone at NERV mention anything about a 'UN Human Instrumentality Committee?'," Yui asked.

"Briefly, mostly off-hand," Shinji answered. "I'd heard they're the ones that control NERV's money. How father usually speaks to them whenever the budget needs to be increased or something."

"...*SIGH* Shinji, I can definitely tell you that they're that, and more-much more," Yui said. "The Committee itself is just a front. It's the public face of SEELE."

Shinji was surprised by this revelation. "SEELE? What's that?" he asked.

"They're the Illuminati-the _for real_ one," Yui replied. "They're a group of cruel, old, rich men obsessed with gaining immortality. To that end, they've had their hooks sunk into virtually every major power structure on the planet-governments, military forces, conglomerates, you name it, there's a thread that ties them back to SEELE. And I'm sorry to say this, but our family-my side of it at least-was part of its upper echelons for years. I know this will be a lot to take in, but please hear me out."

Shinji, already awed by what she'd been telling him, nodded for her to continue.

"To achieve their goals, one of the entities they set up was the UN Artificial Evolution Laboratory, which your father and I joined before we were married. They were the ones who put together the expedition that Misato's father led, to Antarctica. They didn't know it at the time, but Professor Katsuragi and his crew were being sent to their doom. SEELE deliberately set events into motion that led to them finding Adam, the First Angel...and from there, Second Impact."

Shinji was shocked. Second Impact, made to happen _on purpose_?

"Your father, conniving sneak that he is, actually visited the team at the old men's behest and left with all the data the expedition collected, mere moments before Second Impact occurred. I never let it show, but I was utterly disgusted by what had been done. I'd joined the UNAEL because I was thinking that we'd be making a difference in the world. As time went on and the Lab was reorganized as GEHIRN, I started learning more and more about what the old men had intended. To say I was horrified that my own father willingly went along with it was an understatement. More so that your father felt the same at one point, devoted to it as much as he was to me. Then Project-E began.

The EVAs are actually armored clones created from Angelic material-Units-00, 02, 03, 04 and 05 were derived from Adam, while Unit-01 is the only one derived from Lilith, which made it the linchpin for SEELE's plans. I helped design and develop what would become Unit-00 and Unit-01, and when 01 was nearing completion, I knew I found a way that I could put a stopgap in their scheme. The old men had begun to suspect I was going to oppose their agenda, so I needed to act fast, or my life would be forfeit. I made arrangements for Unit-01's contact experiment to occur earlier than planned, with myself as the test pilot. Unit-01 was still attached spiritually to Lilith, and if my hypotheses were right, it would act in the way I intended, and would stall the old men's efforts for some time. I told Prof. Fuyutsuki, who also was under threat from SEELE, but I didn't tell your father because he would've tried to stop me. Then came the day of the experiment, and, well...you know the rest."

Shinji nodded sadly, remembering clearly the events of that day.

"I'd thought that your father would know what to do, that he'd try to help you after my absorption. I'm not ashamed to say I was wrong. Shinji, I am so, so sorry for scarring you like that. I never meant for it to happen, you have to believe me. I was trying to protect you, but in the end, I did more harm than good. I want to make things right, I truly do."

Shinji decided to pose a question at that moment. "What was SEELE planning to do? Why did they want the EVAs built? Why all, well, this?" he asked, arms outstretched to indicate the multiple things he questioned.

"I told you they were obsessed with achieving immortality," Yui answered. "How they plan to do it? By bringing about a Third Impact."

Shinji's eyes went wide with horror. "WHAT?!" he said. "How?!"

"They've been using ancient documents called the Dead Sea Scrolls as a road map for this," Yui explained. "They predicted everything-Second Impact, the coming of the Angels, the building of the EVAs, and the undermining of the spirit of three children of prophecy: you, Asuka, and Rei. Once the conditions outlined in the Scrolls are met, which includes defeating all 17 Angels, they can then proceed with a 'ceremony' that will wipe out all human life on the planet. Once done, the souls of humankind will be merged into a great super-being, with the SEELE council as its ruling consciousness."

"That...that's horrible," Shinji said with fear in his voice. "There's-there's gotta be something we can do! We need to stop them!"

"Right now, we can't," Yui said dishearteningly, before embracing a more hopeful demeanor. "But there are forces at work with the goal of stopping SEELE in mind. You know Misato's boyfriend, the guy with the really bad stubble?"

"Mr. Kaji?" Shinji asked in turn. "What's he-?"

"His role as a UN inspector is a cover," Yui said, "he's been working as a triple-agent on behalf of the JDA, spying on both NERV and SEELE, trying to bring them down from the inside."

"How do you know all this?" Shinji asked.

Yui smiled a bit. "Being plugged into the MAGI has its perks," she replied. "Anyway, he's not the only one. As of late, Freakazoid's working on stopping them too."

"Freakazoid?!" Shinji said with surprise. "When did you meet-OH, right, when the 13th Angel attacked."

Yui nodded. "He took control of Unit-01," she elaborated, "allowing me to deal with the Dummy System before it could do the same. I owe him a lot, and he convinced me to abandon all pretense of mysteriousness and just talk to you. It was just the shot in the arm I needed."

"I'm glad it worked," Shinji said. "Wait, does that mean that the other EVAs-?"

"So far, only Unit-00 and Unit-02 have cores powered by human souls," Yui said. "I don't know who's in 00, but 02's has Asuka's mom, Kyoko. Right now, they're having a conversation like ours; Freakazoid met with her earlier and convinced her to speak with Asuka. I imagine she's probably unbelievably happy right now."

"I'll bet," Shinji replied, before he got serious again. "So, what should we do?"

"For now, keep quiet about all you learned," Yui instructed. "If you can, you, Asuka and Rei should speak with Kaji and Misato, let them know they can trust you. Freakazoid's working on trying to get more people involved, so hopefully, we can strike back at SEELE when the time's right. In the meantime, I think you'd better get ready to de-sync-the test is ending soon." When Shinji frowned, Yui smiled and held his cheek for a moment. "Don't worry, we'll talk again soon. Please be careful, and remember, don't say a word." She then gave him a kiss on the forehead. "I love you, Shinji."

Shinji nodded, and made the motion of zipping his lips to prove he understood. With that, the testing finished, and Shinji found himself back in the real world. As soon as he and the other pilots exited and made their way to the locker rooms, he and Asuka stopped for a moment, letting Toji and Rei go on ahead.

"Asuka, did you-?" he began to ask.

"My mama's alive," Asuka said in a giddy whisper, "she's alive!" The smile vanished from her face as she suddenly got serious. "Looks like you, me and Wondergirl have a lot to talk about later." Shinji, himself also wearing a serious expression, nodded affirmatively at that statement.

**The roof of Tokyo-3 PD HQ, around the same time...**

"...And that's about the half of it," Freakazoid said as he rolled up the projector screen, having finished his explanation of SEELE and its plans to Kaji with a nicely-put-together PowerPoint presentation. "Any questions?"

Kaji just stared at Freakazoid, his mouth agape, awestruck by what he'd just learned. Kusagabe continued to read through the paper, undisturbed and unperturbed. Kaji then did a double-take from Freakazoid to us and back, as all the facts and information he'd been gathering over the course of his investigation started to fall into place like puzzle pieces. Pieces that now formed a very whole picture. Kaji's face then twisted into a grimace of equal parts anger and realization as only three words escaped his lips:

"I KNEW IT!" he exclaimed with gritted teeth.

Below him, a subtitle appeared that said **No he didn't**.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Another breather chapter (full of so much exposition!) before Freakazoid squares off with Boa-Magnon again. ANYWAY...**

**Yep, I gave the fun-sized Leiliel a massive sweet tooth. "The Call" is disrupted by the Angel's snacking. Its portal powers will come in very handy for the future confrontation with the Lobe and the crossover-within-the-crossover that factors greatly into it.**

**Ritsuko, of course, is trying to refrain from imagining Gendo as the frequent malevolent presence on **

**_The Simpsons _****known as C. Montgomery Burns.**

**Kaji utilizing a signal light on top of a police headquarters building to get Freakazoid's attention is a shout-out to his taking up the Dark Knight's mantle in both the original and revised versions of author Chuckman's "Last Child of Krypton". The sneeze cut with Mayumi alludes to Mike313's Superwomen of EVA 2 story "Dark Lady of Tokyo-3", where the bookworm's Batgirl.**

**Freakazoid's "Well..." is lifted from when Gutierrez finally asks him what his weakness is in the season two episode "Hero Boy".**

**Yui calling SEELE the 'for real' Illuminati riffs on the title villain of ****_Freakazoid, _****season one, episode two's first segment being called "the bogeyman-the ****_for real_**** one". (Didn't say his name, not falling into that pit, you can't make me...)**

**Kaji's reaction at the end of Freakazoid's presentation mirrors Freakazoid's own from the season two episode "The Freakazoid", after he finds out the truth about the "Superhero Code Book" that's been giving him trouble throughout the story.**

**And now for some fun, combining Fan Boy's 'Ode to Leonard Nimoy' from season one, episode five with the 'Dot's Poetry Corner' segments from ****_Animaniacs._**

_OMAKE 7 - Rei's Poetry Corner_

The scene opened on the exterior of the Japanese branch of the Warner Cafe, while the sound of a bass and bongos filled the background.

**Announcer: "And now, 'Rei's Poetry Corner'."**

Inside, an audience sat at tables lit by small candles, all eyes focused on the spotlit stage. Rei was standing at the microphone, a stool next to her with a glass of water resting atop it.

"*Ahem* 'An Ode to Freakazoid'," Rei said as she readied herself at the mic. She then began to recite her (first-ever) love/beat poem:

_Freakazoid, oh Freakazoid,_

_Within my heart, you have filled a void._

_You have found heretofore unknown ways to make me smile and laugh._

_For once, I'm wary of making a conversational gaffe._

_When you aren't around, I feel quite blue,_

_more so than my signature hairdo._

_I'd call you up on the telephone,_

_but the act is not sufficient alone._

_But soon a new idea appears in my head,_

_where I'll write a letter, a song, an anthem, instead._

_As soon as the Angels are gone, and all existence is no longer on the line..._

_Freakazoid, oh Freakazoid, will you be mine?_

Rei then took her bow to an applause of snapping fingers as she said "Thank you".

At a table in the back, an incognito Freakazoid (wearing one of those 'Groucho' glasses disguises) talked with the person sitting next to him.

"So, whaddya think?" he asked them.

The other person sitting at the table gave it some thought before she replied.

"She's got potential," Dot Warner said as she took a sip of her tea. "I'd say give her a few more pointers, and she'll be going places."


	25. Episode 24

**Episode 21 - A Return to a Piece of the Action**

An unusually high amount of chatter filled classroom 2-A, and for a very good reason. Rumors had erupted that the students of that class would be getting a substitute teacher today; normally, it wouldn't be considered major news, but considering that for the longest time these students had to deal with a geezer who did nothing more than ramble on about his life before and after Second Impact in a way so potent that it could put even the most adrenaline-pumped professional athlete to sleep, THEN rumors of a substitute would be considered newsworthy.

"So, what's the big news?"

"Oh, it's gonna knock your socks off when you hear this...That old coot, Arishima, who was in charge of our class? He's on vacation!"

"You're kidding!"

"No, it's really true! Isn't that amazing?!"

"Hey, this really is big news!"

"But that's not all. What's bigger is what I have to say after that. You're not gonna believe this-our substitute teacher is a woman!"

"...She's gonna be some old bat, right?"

"No way! She's really young!"

"Is she pretty?"

"So I hear!"

"Ah, but you haven't seen her yet!"

"It's just a rumor!"

"Wait a minute-don't you think it's strange that our teacher would go on holiday without saying anything in the middle of the school year?"

"Who cares?! Even if it's just temporary, school's gonna be so much better with a beautiful female teacher instead of some old bat!"

"Man, I could sniff a butt right now."

That last quote actually didn't come from one of the students in Class 2-A, but from a dog poking its head out of the window of a nearby car, panting. Strangely, no one passing by seemed to bat an eye at a talking dog.

Back in the classroom, the EVA pilots and their respective friends were having their own little discussion regarding the rumors of the incoming substitute.

"One thing's for sure," Shinji said, "as long as we don't have to endure another Second Impact lecture, I'm fine with any homework coming from a new teacher."

"With ya on that," Toji agreed, "even if I don't _exactly_ call myself a good student."

"THANKFULLY, we're working on that," Hikari sternly said as she lightly elbowed Toji in the arm, referring to her recent tutoring sessions with him.

"Still, I wonder what kind of teacher she'll be?" Mayumi asked.

A small pause emerged among them, lasting until Kensuke fielded a possibility.

"Maybe it's Miss Misato?" Kensuke guessed. Both Shinji's and Asuka's eyes widened upon hearing this.

"Ooooh nonononoNO," Asuka immediately said with a dismissive wave of her hands. "Misato may be a lot of things, but teacher material is _definitely_ not one of them."

"I would say Dr. Akagi," Shinji added warily, "but I'm afraid that a lot of what she'd say would go over the class's heads."

"Agreed," Rei chimed in, "also, due to their respective responsibilities, neither is in much of a position to devote even a day for substitute teaching."

Before any chatter could continue, Hikari heard footsteps coming towards the door to the classroom. Immediately, her class rep-sense tingled and she sprung into action as she bolted for the doorway, where she got into position.

"STAND! BOW! SIT!" she barked out, to which everyone responded like clockwork as the teacher walked in. When they did sit back down, they were stunned by just who it was that walked into the room.

The woman who entered was definitely young, quite tall, and very well-built, like she'd previously been an Olympic athlete. She wore a deep tan pantsuit and a green blouse; on her neck was a choker with what appeared to be an animal's fang hanging from it. On her face were a pair of sharply-angled eyeglasses, hanging from her ears were a set of beautiful turquoise earrings, and her jet-black hair was tied up in a bun. Most startling of all to the students was her light blue-colored skin. The woman gave the class a once-over with a hunter's gaze before smiling.

"Good morning, class," she greeted in flawless Japanese, "at the behest of the school board, your regular teacher, Mr. Arishima, is currently taking a much-needed vacation. I'll be your substitute for the time being. My name is Ms. Mumphry, and it is a pleasure to meet you all."

Kensuke, more than the rest of the class, was very surprised by this development. So was Freakazoid, watching as he was from the Freakazone.

_What's Boa-Magnon doing here?!_ Kensuke asked his 'roommate' with panic in his voice.

_Beats me,_ Freakazoid conceded, _one thing's for sure, there's no way her being here's a coincidence, or my name's Zane Townsend!_

Kensuke 'looked' at Freakazoid incredulously on hearing that. Freakazoid, on the other hand, merely looked our way with a big grin.

"See if you can spot that one, folks!" he said as if daring us to figure out what he was referencing.

Ms. Mumphry then picked up a piece of chalk and began to write on the board. "The lesson plan is going to be a bit different," she said. "Today, we'll be learning about an aspect of post-Second Impact politics that doesn't get enough attention. Of course, I refer to...endangered species protection legislation, around the world."

Upon hearing this, the students broke into some whispering chatter, most of it along the lines of, 'at least it's better than what Arishima usually drones on about'.

Ms. Mumphry, her back to the students, merely smirked as she thought back to the circumstances that led to her little 'undercover mission', evidenced by the wavy flashback lines that started to appear.

**Commander Ikari's office, yesterday...**

"What do you have in mind?" Gendo asked.

Boa-Magnon smirked as she laid out some photographs she'd taken the week prior. "I've been taking my time studying and observing Freakazoid's movements in and around the city," the mercenary explained. "I've found, in particular, that almost every day, he appears from this particular alleyway when he goes on his patrols." She then pointed to a photograph of a specific building. "That alleyway, curiously, happens to be a couple of blocks away from this: the Municipal Middle School."

Gendo arched an eyebrow as he began to put her hypothesis together. "You've reason to believe he's somehow connected to someone at the school," he theorized.

"Precisely," Boa-Magnon replied. "To better determine if that someone is student or staff, I shall embark on a clandestine operation within the school. Which is where you come in." She smiled an almost-Cheshire Cat-like smile before she continued. "Since you practically run everything here in this city, I'm certain it won't be difficult for you to speak to someone on the city council and have them, in turn, speak to someone on the school board to arrange for one of the teachers to take a much-needed 'vacation' for a short while, allowing me to pose as a substitute and ingratiate myself within that academic environment, all the better to search for Freakazoid without arousing suspicion." She then held up the Freakafinder, which had been laying on Gendo's desk. "Having this little device handy won't hurt, of course."

"Of course," Gendo agreed with a nod. "Very well. I'll make the arrangements as soon as possible."

"Much appreciated," Boa-Magnon replied.

**Classroom 2-A, the present...**

While the class took notes as she continued her lecture, Ms. Mumphry secretly extracted the Freakafinder from her pocket and quickly put it behind the book she was holding before switching it on. With its 'eye' trained on the class, it then began scanning and analyzing the students, accounting for any irregularities in their energy signatures. (An earlier sweep of the faculty yielded nothing.) It would take some time for it to compile all the data, but it managed to do its job just before the lunch bell rang. As soon as the students left to go eat, Ms. Mumphry stayed behind in the classroom. As soon as the coast was clear, she closed the door and began going through the collected data on the Freakafinder. Sure enough, she found one particular outlier among the energy signatures-one that just so happened to belong to a certain Kensuke Aida...

Eventually, when lunch ended and the students filed back into the classroom, Ms. Mumphry moved on to a lecture about early human hunter-gatherer societies. Strangely, to the students paying attention, she seemed to focus a great deal on the tools and techniques they developed, with a greater emphasis on the weapons they invented. All the while, a great number of red flags blared within Kensuke's mind, with Freakazoid doing his darnedest to calm his friend down. This lasted until the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. Once the student body had filed out of the building, Kensuke made a beeline to the usual alley where he'd transform and let Freakazoid out, unaware that the substitute that'd been giving him a predatory eye most of the afternoon was quietly tailing him. A few times he'd looked over his shoulder, only to find no one there. Finally, he'd made it to the alley.

"Ooooh, Freak Out!" Kensuke exclaimed. One flash of light and static later saw Freakazoid standing in that exact spot.

"At last, we meet again," said a hidden voice, causing Freakazoid to look around manically.

"All right, show yourself, Boa! Olly-olly oxen-free!" Freakazoid said in turn, trying to goad the blue-hued huntress out of hiding. He was promptly answered with a ring of arrows circling around him as they stuck into the ground, much to the wacky wonder's surprise.

"Nhaaaaaaaah!" Freakazoid sounded off in a Curly manner, as he then took off running, Boa-Magnon in pursuit on the rooftops. A stream of arrows were fired, as Freakazoid narrowly avoided each one. The chase went all over the city, with neither of them giving an inch. At one point, their chase took them by the apartment building where the pilots lived. At the moment, while Freakazoid and Boa Magnon played cat-and-mouse along the fire escapes of the building (the latter having switched to throwing miniature javelins at the former), Shinji, Asuka and Pen-Pen were watching TV just as Misato walked in the door; all four were very much unaware of the ruckus going on outside their window.

"What're you watching?" Misato asked.

"Some news story that you 'have to see to believe'," Asuka nonchalantly replied with air quotes just as the news anchor came on.

**ANCHOR: "About four days ago, a plane landed at JFK International Airport. The plane came from the Middle East, ferrying a man who claims to be 2,000 years old. He spent the past six days at the Mayo Clinic. [Turns to face the man in question.] Sir, is it true that you are 2,000 years old?"**

**MAN: "Ooooh boy..."**

Back outside, Freakazoid and Boa-Magnon's chase eventually took them to the rooftop of a nearby building. Boa at that point let loose a bolo that quickly entangled itself around Freakazoid's feet, causing him to trip and fall. Boa-Magnon then proceeded to grip the dazed Freakazoid by his collar as she held him up close, a nasty-looking hunting knife in her other hand pointed just millimetres from his throat, causing him to nervously sweat.

"Fun while it was, I'm afraid that this is where we end things," Boa said with a hint of finality.

"Wait! Wait!" Freakazoid desperately shouted. "At least let me get some last words in? I mean come on, usually the hero gets that most of the time."

"...Make it quick," Boa replied indignantly. "Ikari is waiting for me, and I don't intend on breaking my streak of satisfied clients."

"Trust me, it's very much about your client at the moment," Freakazoid said. "Let me ask you this-aren't you curious over why they want me out of the way?"

"A part of me has wondered," Boa replied, "especially considering how much you've brought down the crime rate in this city."

"I mean really, you seem like someone who's very careful when approached by prospective clients," Freakazoid said persuasively. "Haven't you thought about just who your employers really are? The kind of shady stuff they're up to?"

"More than I already suspect?" Boa responded. "Indeed, there is something about Ikari in particular that just doesn't seem quite right to me."

"Maybe this'll clear things up for you," Freakazoid said as he took out a book from somewhere on his person and handed it to Boa. Curious, the mercenary let go of his collar (causing him to fall back to the ground with a thud) and took the book in her free hand, while sheathing the knife in the other. The book in question was a manga volume-specifically, _Neon Genesis Evangelion_, volume 8. Freakazoid had it bookmarked at the chapter labeled "The Birth of NERV", and when Boa turned to that page, she began reading it intently. The more she read, the more her eyes grew wide with astonishment. Freakazoid managed to get himself back upright and followed along with her over her shoulder. Finally, when she finished the chapter, she looked back up with a very astonished expression on her face.

"My word..." she said, shocked by the events depicted in that story. "Who have I been working for all this time?!"

"I know, right?" Freakazoid said in turn. "I mean _great googly moogly_, are these people twisted or _what_?"

"I've done jobs for people with delusions of grandeur before, but SEELE and Ikari? Unbelievable..." Boa replied, shaking her head. She then, to the surprise of Freakazoid, undid the bolo around his ankles.

"So, where's that leave us?" the wacky wonder asked.

"For now?" Boa answered. "Consider this the start of a truce. I'll continue my 'substitute teacher' act for the time being while I get in touch with some contacts of mine. I'll have an alibi to stall Ikari, no need to worry. When the time comes, I'll be ready to assist you in taking down these truly heinous ambitions." She then smirked a very knowing smirk. "And so as to not worry you any further-your secret shall remain safe with me." She then turned to start leaping from rooftop-to-rooftop. "One thing though-your book is just a _touch_ out of date in one regard."

Freakazoid, slightly surprised by this, arched an eyebrow. "How's that?" he asked.

"Lorenz Kihl no longer leads SEELE," Boa answered. "Unfortunately, my contract has a non-disclosure agreement, so for now I cannot reveal the identity of the current head of the organization. All I can tell you is that he is a very familiar foe of yours. One who despises being called a certain word. Ta-ta!"

With that, Boa leapt into a run as she bounded among the rooftops, leaving Freakazoid to ponder this new revelation.

_SEELE's got a new leader?_ Kensuke asked, bewildered as well. _Who could be worse than Kihl?!_

"I dunno, pal," Freakazoid said, his thumb and forefinger holding his chin in thought, "but it looks like Kaji's going to get one heck of an update to his dossiers coming."

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
And with this, Boa-Magnon becomes a potential ally for the future. How? Not saying much, for now...**

**The opening dialogue among the students over the incoming teacher is a takeoff on the same from both the first and last episodes of the anime series ****_Please Teacher!_****.**

**Since the old teacher in ****_Evangelion _****isn't named in nearly every bit of media, I decided to name him after Japanese comedic actor Ichirō Arishima, who among other roles portrayed Mr. Tako in 1962's ****_King Kong vs. Godzilla_****.**

**The dog's line is lifted from a similar gag from the opener to an episode of MTV's ****_The Jon Stewart Show_**** from 1993, which parodied the music video for R.E.M.'s version of "Everybody Hurts". (Funnily enough, it was also parodied that same year for the ****_Wayne's World 2 MTV Special_****.)**

**Asuka shooting down the idea of Misato teaching refers to the character's profession in both the 'dream sequence' of episode 26 of ****_NGE_**** and in the manga spin-offs ****_The Shinji Ikari Raising Project_**** and ****_Campus Apocalypse_****. The idea of Ritsuko teaching refers to fanfic author jcmoorehead's "The Division Bell".**

**Freakazoid makes the same sort of scared sound as Curly Howard in many a Three Stooges short.**

**The 'news story' Shinji and Asuka watch is based on the legendary "2,000-Year-Old Man" comedy sketch by Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner. I added this reference to honor the memory of Reiner (one of my comedy heroes), who passed away last week at the ripe old age of 98, leaving behind a legacy of laughter.**


	26. Episode 25 - Musical Interlude 4

**Announcer: "...And now, a musical mashup interlude."**

**-X-**

**[Suggested music: "Bad Mother" by Donzig-search YouTube for more details.]**

The scene opened on a set resembling that of a certain legendary 70's music program. On the backdrop was a large logo that said **"Light of Your Soul Train"**, while the opening riffs of "Bad Girls" started to play. Dancers were all on the floor getting their groove on, as the camera focused on the central stage. The spotlight then shone onto the performer standing there, revealed to be a decently-ripped Freakazoid...dressed as (and with his hair styled like) Glenn Danzig, with red pants instead of black and red finger-less gloves. He even had Danzig's trademark Jim Morrison-esque scowl. He then launched into the lyrics for a song that couldn't be more different from the current environment-the tonal dissonance was THAT apparent, and yet somehow it worked.

Freakazig:

_**Mother...**_

_**Tell your children not to walk my way...**_

_**Tell your children not to hear my words...**_

_**What they mean,**_

_**What they say...**_

_**Mother...**_

_**Mother!**_

_**Can you keep them in the dark for life?**_

_**Can you hide them from the waiting world?**_

_**Ooooooooh, mother!**_

_**Father!**_

_**Gonna take your daughter out tonight...**_

_**Gonna show her, MY WOOOORRRLD!**_

_**Ooooh, fatheeeeeeerrrrr!**_

_**Not about to see your light!**_

_**And if you wanna find heck with me...**_

_**I can show you what it's...**_

Surprisingly, the dancers didn't bat an eye over the clashing tones of the lyrics and music as they kept boogieing.

Freakazig:

_**Mother...**_

_**Tell your children not to hold my hand.**_

_**Tell your children not to understand.**_

_**Oooooh, motheeeeeeER!**_

_**Father!**_

_**Do you wanna bang heads with me?**_

_**Do you wanna feel everything?**_

_**Ooooooh, fatheeeeer-uh!**_

_**Not about to see your light!**_

_**And if you wanna find heck with me...**_

_**I can show you what it's...**_

[Seems to scream into the mic.]

**WHAT IT'S LIIIIIIIIKE!**

As different pairs of dancers strutted their stuff through the 'Soul Train Line', a surprised Ritsuko found herself joining Freakazig onstage. She was wearing a pair of sunglasses almost shaped like cat eyes (with the pointed portions colored neon orange), a purple-sequined bustier and short skirt, purple tights, and high-heeled sandals.

Ritsuko:

**Hey, mister!**

_(Toot toot, hey, beep beep)_

_**Have you got a dime?**_

[Points to a jukebox that's just appeared onstage.]

Freakazig [practically bellowing into the mic]:

**YAAAAAAAAAAY-UH!**

Ritsuko [pointing to the jukebox]:

**Hey, mister!**

_(Toot toot, hey, beep beep)_

_**Do you want to spend some time?**_

Freakazig [practically bellowing into the mic]:

**YAAAAAAAAAAY-UH!**

Freakazig:

_**Mother...**_

_**Mother!**_

_**MOTHEEEERRR!**_

[Percussion solo.]

Freakazig:

**Not about to see your light!**

_(Toot toot, hey, beep beep)_

**I can show you what it's like...**

_(Toot toot, hey, beep beep)_

_**Till you're eating...!**_

**-X-**

**Announcer: "This concludes our musical mashup interlude. We now return to our story."**

****Author's Note(s)**  
The musical interlude this time takes its cue from a YouTube phenomenon that I've become quite a fan of. Of course I refer to "McClintock Mashups", a series of videos by Bill McClintock that takes two songs that couldn't be more different from one another and yet somehow results in something glorious. "Bad Mother" is his most recent one, and already one of my favorites-and I've never even listened to Danzig anything in my life till now. My other favorites of the mashups so far also include "Rime of the Good Times" by 'Iron Chic', "Girls, Girls, Girls! (Your Mamma Too)" by 'Crümeo', "War Puppets Rise to Heaven", and "Rock the Space Freak".  
For those fashion-curious, Ritsuko's outfit is the same as Donna Summer's for her music video of "Bad Girls".**


	27. Episode 26

The camera opened on Freakazoid as he looked our way, while he stood in the middle of a Central Dogma set.

Freakazoid [in Paul Rugg's 'serious Jerry Lewis' voice]: "You know, I'd just like to pause here a minute and say-what a GAS and a sagacious experience it has been, working on this unique and unconventional cross-franchise, east-meets-west crossover."

He then started walking along the rest of the studio sound stage while various cast and crew commiserated or went about their tasks to get ready for upcoming scenes.

Freakazoid: "And it's because, I walked onto the set today and everyone looked at me and, you know what they said? 'This is fun, we're having a terrific time here. It's gonna be fun, fun, fun!'."

Freakazoid then passed by the chair occupied by our announcer, a returning Joe Leahy.

Freakazoid: "It's been so great, working with a lot of returning faces. Like Joey Leahy here-great to have him narrating again, he is _such_ a card. Couldn't get through a show without hearing his pipes announcing the action. Go ahead, tell me you couldn't imagine the show without him, because of course _you can't_." [Freakazoid then shook a grinning Joe's hand before continuing on.]

Freakazoid then passed by a couple of NERV's senior staff on break from shooting. He first stopped by Ritsuko's chair while the chief scientist was getting her hair and makeup done for the next scene.

Freakazoid: "And then we've got the newcomers. Like Melissa Joan Hart here-big, big fan of her work, real sweetheart off the set, and she has been _killing it_ as Dr. Akagi, the casting director was right on the money when they brought her in." [Ritsuko then looked up at Freakazoid, who smiled back at her.] "Like I said, big fan of your work since _Clarissa_, and I stuck through with the entirety of _Melissa and Joey_, always made my Thursday nights. Keep up the good work!"

Freakazoid then moved on to the next chair, leaving a slightly perplexed Ritsuko in his wake. The next chair turned out to be occupied by Sub-commander Fuyutsuki, reading an issue of _Variety_.

Freakazoid: "And Malcolm McDowell-witty? I think so, always has been, no matter the role, he is just _that_ good." [As he walked on, Fuyutsuki arched an eyebrow as if hearing his name mentioned.]

He then passed by the four EVA pilots-respectively, from left-to-right, Shinji, Asuka, Rei, and Toji-chatting while they each nibbled on something from the commissary table.

Freakazoid: "And how about those playing the pilots?" [The EVA pilots looked up, surprised to see Freakazoid extolling their praises.] "Greg, Mae, Grey, Chuck-consummate professionals, all, and they're excelling in the roles. Have you ever in your life been filled with more joy when hearing their voices, whether religious experiential or not? I love 'em, all of them! (We'll hug after the show.) Anyway, I just needed to say all that, thank you. And now, our next chapter!"

**Episode 22 - Battle Preparations (or, How Much is That Mecha in the Window?)**

Gendo Ikari was feeling wary. He just couldn't shake the feeling that something baffling was going to happen to him the minute he walked out his front door. Giving a brief look from side-to-side from the threshold, confirming that there were no tripwires or errant rakes, he finally walked out the door. A slight touch of paranoia made him turn around to look back at his home-and what greeted him made him grit his teeth in frustration. All over his home was spray-painted graffiti, and all of the words were insults directed towards him. Gendo immediately pulled out his cellphone and made a call.

"Get a cleaning crew to my residence immediately," the commander of NERV ordered. "...Reason? Well _somehow_, in the middle of the night, my house was tagged!...I'm saying that someone spray-painted insults all over my house! In Danish, no less!...YES, I understand Danish, so I can tell you that those words were very disparaging! Now get a crew out here to clean all of this off!"

With that, Gendo let out an exasperated sigh as he hung up and put the phone back in his pocket as he got into the car. Yet again, he and his driver failed to notice the gnome-shaped objects on his lawn, posed like they were laughing so hard they were rolling on the ground.

**NERV HQ, a couple of hours later...**

Gendo and Fuyutsuki were engaged in their usual round of Go in the former's office as they discussed something that stuck out in the days following the battle with the 13th Angel.

"The 14th Angel's late," Fuyutsuki noted as he made another move on the board.

"So I've noticed," Gendo replied as he pondered his counter-move. "According to the Scrolls, the 14th was supposed to show up a short while after the 13th's defeat. And yet it's been almost an entire month."

"I wonder what threw it off-schedule..." Fuyutsuki said as he moved another piece.

**Off the coast of Japan, almost two weeks earlier...**

On one eerily calm early morning, all was peaceful along the coastline of an abandoned beach town. Peaceful, that is, until the waters erupted as a gigantic shape emerged, glinting in the brightness of the morning sun. Zeruel, the Angel of Might, with its bulky form and frightening, alien-looking skull-like face, had arrived to carry out its purpose. It let out a roar as it rose from the waves like many a kaiju in many a cheap 1960's monster movie and made its way to the shore, finally coming up on land. When it moved past the beaches, it unexpectedly found its progress blocked by something that left it extremely befuddled.

Standing in the way of its journey to Tokyo-3 was a customs checkpoint. Unbeknownst to the colossal monstrosity that was the 14th Angel, Freakazoid had quickly and quietly set the checkpoint up in anticipation of its arrival as a stalling tactic. The checkpoint was manned by a squat, boxy-looking guard droid, complete with a uniform. The guard in question emerged from the booth the moment the gate came down in front of Zeruel, a clipboard in-hand.

"ATTENTION," the guard droid said. "ALL INCOMING VISITORS ARE TO ASSEMBLE INTO A SINGLE-FILE LINE TO AWAIT ENTRY. IN THE INTERESTS OF MAINTAINING THIS ISLAND NATION'S ECOSYSTEMS AND TO PREVENT THE INTRODUCTION OF INVASIVE SPECIES, WE ARE CHECKING ALL VISITORS FOR ANY TRACES OF FOREIGN MATTER."

Zeruel was dumbstruck, instantly realizing that it had accumulated an enormous amount of foreign matter on its person during its journey to Japan. The giant Angel grumbled to itself as the other guard droids exited the booth and began the long and arduous process of collecting all the foreign matter off of its person-and given its size, the entire inspection was going to take quite some time. Zeruel, sighing with resignation, immediately grabbed some magazines off of a rack in a nearby abandoned store and set about reading them while the guard droids went to work.

**Tokyo-3, present day...**

School had let out for the day, and Kensuke found himself walking alongside Mayumi over to her place. For a while now, the two of them had been doing study sessions almost as much as Kensuke found the time to hang out with Shinji and Toji at the arcade. Of the times where they'd studied together, this would be the first time Kensuke was going to Mayumi's place for once.

"Thanks for coming over today," Mayumi said. "It's a nice change of pace from the library or your apartment."

"Ah, I don't mind," Kensuke replied. "Besides, I've been curious about your home library for a while now."

"I hope you'll like it," she said as they reached the front door to her apartment, which she promptly opened.

"I'm home!" she said as they walked in.

"Welcome home," came a new voice. Its owner, a slightly-taller girl with short, brown hair and blue eyes, came from the hallway to greet them as they entered. Kensuke recognized her immediately.

"Kirishima? What're you doing here?" he wondered. He knew Mana Kirishima by reputation mainly, as she was the ace of the school's engineering club. She and two other members, Musashi "Lee" Strasberg and Keita Asari, had won a regional drone competition last year with their entry, a miniature dart-firing flyer named the TRIDENT.

"Well, I do happen to live here," she answered with a chuckle.

"I should've mentioned," Mayumi started to say with a hint of bashfulness, "Mana's my stepsister. Our parents were married a few years back."

"Speaking of," Mana said as she pointed to the two adults approaching the open door. "Welcome home!"

"Hi girls!" the woman of the house said as she slipped her shoes off.

"Looks like you must be this boy Mayumi's told us so much about," the man of the house said as he extended a hand to Kensuke. "Eiji Kirishima, honored to meet you."

Kensuke shook Eiji's hand. "Uh, same here, sir," he replied.

"And I'm Hideko Yamagishi," the woman said as she shook Kensuke's hand as well.

"Nice to meet you," Kensuke returned. _They seem like nice people,_ Freakazoid commented. _I know what you mean,_ Kensuke thought back, _if you hadn't set up that diversion for the next Angel, I probably wouldn't be here right now._

From there, Kensuke and Mayumi headed into the latter's room to get their studying out of the way. Once done, she invited him to stay for dinner, and after consulting with his own father on the phone, he was given permission and joined them. As they ate, Kensuke wound up getting to know Mayumi's family a little better. He learned that Eiji worked as a designer for a toy company, meaning Kensuke was very familiar with some of his handiwork; and that Hideko worked as editor for a newspaper, with her overseeing the editorial cartoonists working there. After finishing dinner, Kensuke said his goodbyes to the Yamagishis/Kirishimas, while setting up the next session with Mayumi. Once he was far from their apartment building, he quickly ducked into an alley. One flash of light later, and Freakazoid was on patrol again.

_So what're we gonna do about the Angel?_ Kensuke asked. _That checkpoint won't keep him away forever..._

"I know, I know," Freakazoid replied. "I've been mulling over how to handle the guy myself. Like I told Dr. Ikari, I'm not planning on jacking an EVA again, that felt really icky." He then paused a moment as he stood atop a fire hydrant, his hand holding his chin in contemplation. "What we need is something just as big, with a lot of firepower that can pack a punch. What we need...is a super-robot!"

_...You're kidding, right?_ Kensuke asked, one eyebrow arched.

"Why not?" Freakazoid said. "Spider-Man had one."

_That was a TV show made here in the 70's!_ Kensuke countered. _Other than that, even if they were around, where would you get one? I mean it's not like...Waitaminute-!_

"What? What're you getting at?" Freakazoid asked his 'roommate'.

_I just remembered-there actually _is _something we could use!_ Kensuke answered excitedly. _There's a catch though-you might need to convince Japan Heavy Chemical Industries to part with it._

"I'm sure I could manage," Freakazoid said with a confident grin.

**Japan Heavy Chemical Industries headquarters, office of the CEO...**

"...And that's why you should let me have it," Freakazoid said, having just finished giving his pitch to Shotaro Shimamura, the head of the company.

Shimamura thought over the superhero's proposal, thinking back to the humiliation the company had to endure in the wake of their project's disastrous unveiling. Realizing that Freakazoid's offer had some merit, Shimamura stood up from his desk and extended his hand.

"You have yourself a deal," the CEO said as he and Freakazoid shook on it.

"All right! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just take it to go," Freakazoid said as he zipped out of the office, a gust of wind in his wake just barely causing the CEO's toupee to nearly blow off. Soon, the wacky wonder arrived at a warehouse owned by the company and stepped inside. He took a long look a the immense, metallic hulk covered underneath some tarp, and whistled in amazement.

"Man, this is just what I was looking for!" Freakazoid excitedly said. He then got out his laptop, keyed in a sequence, and then proceeded to digitize the giant piece of hardware into a save folder, causing the tarp being held up by it to collapse. Freakazoid then bounded for the Freakalair, where he went right to one of the large workshops within. He then took the laptop back out, pressed a button, and materialized the machine into the empty workspace.

"What've we got here, laddie?" R.O.D.D.Y. asked as he looked the new addition over with a discerning digital eye.

"Quite the customizing project, that's what," Freakazoid replied, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "Better clear everyone's calendars, R.O.D.D.Y.-it's gonna be a loooong week..."

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**And you have just been reading the prelude to the big battle with Zeruel. How will our hero(es) handle him in this take? Well, considering what happened in "NERV Gets Juiced", it'll involve another familiar piece of technology from early in the run of ****_NGE_****...**

**The opening teaser riffs on a fourth-wall breaking scene from episode 2 of ****_Freakazoid, _****where Freakazoid himself breaks character and references some of the show's voice cast (with their characters 'backstage' as if they were real live actors) in a spoof of Jerry Lewis's telethons-a scene that was completely improvised by Paul Rugg himself. (I've also hinted at this crossover's 'voice cast', which you'll see in the 'credits' section following this story's conclusion.)**

**Since the Lawn Gnomes originally came from Denmark, the graffiti insults would of course be Danish just to mess with Gendo further.**

**Zeruel being stymied by customs is a nod to the **_**Freakazoid **_**episode "Freakazoid is History!", where our hero changes the past by stopping the Japanese fighter planes from bombing Pearl Harbor using a (flying) customs checkpoint ("We're checking for fruits, vegetables, and torpedoes!").**

**Once again, I've given Mayumi and Mana a familial connection. No doubt you noticed my little Easter egg regarding Mana's role in the ****_Girlfriend of Steel _****video game. Mana's father is named for special effects legend Eiji Tsubaraya, while Mayumi's mother is named after Hideko Mizuno, a manga-ka who is considered a pioneer of manga due to her developing it as a real storytelling medium.**

**Freakazoid, making the case for having a super-robot, refers to the 1978 ****_Spider-Man _****TV series by Toei, which in addition to giving him a different origin, is also known for giving him his own giant robot (Leopardon).**

**The name of the CEO is a portmanteau of Shotaro Ishinomori, the creator of ****_Cyborg 009_****, and fittingly of one of the franchise's characters, 009 himself (Joe Shimamura).**

**And now, some furry fun!**

_OMAKE 8 - Necessity is the Mother of In(ter)vention_

Freakazoid, Misato, Kaji, Maya, and the pilots were standing outside the door to Ritsuko's apartment. Freakazoid proceeded to knock on the door, and after about a minute, Ritsuko opened it up a little bit, revealing her face.

"Ummm...can I help you?" the scientist asked.

"Actually, doctor," Freakazoid said, "your friends are here to help _you_."

The others nodded in agreement.

"...And what _exactly_ do I need help with?" Ritsuko asked confusingly.

"Don't take this the wrong way, sempai," Maya replied uneasily, "but it's about your, uh...problem."

"...Define 'problem'," Ritsuko said with no small amount of skepticism.

"Rits, we're all just concerned for you, that's it," Kaji said, holding his hands defensively.

"...I don't follow," Ritsuko replied, still unconvinced.

Misato then nonchalantly proceeded to push the front door all the way open, pointing to just what it was that they were all implying. The others' eyes went wide when they saw the extent of what they were dealing with.

All over Ritsuko's apartment were cats-lots of them. And not just any cats. Over in one corner were Garfield, Nermal, Stimpy, and Heathcliff, dozing off next to a couple of empty food bowls. Next to the couch, Kirara, Azrael, Scratchy, and Snowball II were clawing on a scratching post. Snoozing in another part of the living room were Mr. Jinks, Top Cat, Benny the Ball, Felix, and MAD Cat, who was clutching a Hello Kitty plushie. On the coffee table, Eek, Boo, Artemis, and Luna played Four-Square with a ball of yarn. Floating by a couple of framed posters for _That Darn Cat!_ and _Cat on a Hot Tin Roof_ was Streaky the Super-Cat. Fiddling around with some toy mice were Tom, Butch, Babbit and Catstello, Sylvester, Penelope, and Furrball. Simon's Cat trotted up to the gathered party and, as usual, the first thing it did was point to its open mouth, implying 'feed me!'.

"Okay, I don't know what you're talking about, I do NOT have a problem," Ritsuko said with no small amount of denial, arms folded.

"Face it, Rits, you're turning into a cat lady!" Misato sternly insisted as she walked over to a random door in the apartment.

"I am NOT," Ritsuko bit back through gritted teeth.

"Then explain _this_," Misato said as she opened the door to another room. Once she did, a bound and gagged Catwoman, Catra, Train Heartnet, Beerus, and Felicia (from _Darkstalkers_) fell out, further shocking the rest of the group. They became more surprised when Salem Saberhagen landed (naturally, on his feet) on top of the tied-up quintet.

"FINALLY!" he said with relief in his voice. "I was wondering if ANYONE would ever come! Don't get me wrong, much as I find Selina and Felicia here gorgeous, it was _really_ getting stuffy in there."

The others did a double-take from Ritsuko to Salem and co. and back. Ritsuko herself was starting to become overwhelmingly sheepish and embarrassed.

"Um...I...Well..." Ritsuko tried to get out.

Freakazoid then turned to face us. "Sorry, folks, looks like this is gonna take a while..." he said as he shook his head.

****Author's additional note: I own nothing of any of the parent companies who own these cat or cat-themed characters. Today's omake was inspired by a piece of fan art by cartoonist Caanan Grall titled "Catwoman the cat lady", which can be found on DeviantArt.****


	28. Episode 27

**Episode 23 - Desperately Saban-ing Zeruel**

It was a quiet start to the afternoon one day at NERV HQ. The pilots had just finished a test and were leaving their respective locker rooms, when three out of the four saw something out of the ordinary. Neither of them had noticed as they came in earlier, but now that they'd gotten refreshed after hours of testing, it finally became apparent to them:

Rei's hair was longer.

None of them had ever thought of picturing her with it, but yet there she was, the pilot of Unit-00, now with a beautiful azure waterfall flowing from her head in contrast to Asuka's blazing red firestorm. Even Asuka herself had to admit, Rei actually looked very stunning with longer hair.

"Holy _Schnike_," Asuka said softly and in awe.

"...Since _when_ did you stop getting your hair cut?" Shinji asked.

"Two weeks ago," Rei replied nonchalantly. "I read somewhere that longer hair was seen as an attractive physical trait, so I decided to 'let my hair down'."

"Ooookay, but it _normally_ takes longer for hair to grow out by that much!" Asuka pointed out. "And yet you say it's only been a two _weeks_?"

"Yeah, what's your secret, Ayanami?" Toji asked.

Rei, not wanting to disclose the truth of her origins quite just yet, gave them an answer with some _hint_ of truth. "My family has good genetics," Rei replied.

"Must be really good then," Asuka said as she felt a strand of the blue locks. "And so shiny and voluminous...Did you-?"

"Yes," Rei preemptively answered. "I did utilize some of the products you and Hikari picked out for me. They appear to be doing their job quite efficiently."

"No wonder a lot of the guys at school have been droolin' over you lately," Toji said.

"It is my hope that there will be one guy in particular who will, as you say, drool over me once he sees for himself," Rei said in turn, a beatific smile beginning to appear on her face at the thought.

"And we all know who _that_ guy is," Asuka whispered into Shinji's ear, who nodded in agreement. Even after all the months he'd been in the city, it still stunned them to see Rei with a schoolgirl crush much like the one Asuka had on Kaji; that it was Freakazoid who she was carrying a torch for made it even more surprising. Come to think of it, it seemed like she was the only girl at school with a crush on the wacky superhero.

"Oh, anyone want to join me in a minute?" Shinji asked as he started heading to the break room. "Lt. Ibuki's letting me feed Leiliel today."

"I still can't believe how much that Angel's been acting like a house pet," Asuka noted as she walked with him, the other two following behind. "Let alone with an appetite bigger than Garfield's and Scooby-Doo's combined."

Like some of the others at HQ, the pilots had been really shocked by the discovery of the 12th Angel's sweet tooth. Thanks to that, Ritsuko and the rest of her staff had made strides in understanding Leiliel's dimensional rift powers, rewarding the creature for its cooperation with food. Shinji had been asked by Maya to prepare a special treat for Leiliel, and he'd delivered as he took a container out of the break room's microwave and headed to the lab where she and the Angel were waiting. Shinji then set the container on a counter top and opened the lid, revealing the treat in question: homemade taiyaki, little fish-shaped waffles filled with sweet red bean paste. Using a pair of tongs, Shinji took one of the steaming taiyaki and lowered it into Leiliel's current dwelling: an ACME progressive terrarium, something Maya had ordered with Ritsuko's go-ahead. Once in, Shinji dropped the taiyaki, causing Leiliel to shift to portal mode in order to eat it whole. Eagerly awaiting its reaction, Shinji beamed with pride as Leiliel's orb avatar returned, this time with a big heart-shaped pattern present. In other words, Leiliel very much approved of the taiyaki.

"Something tells me you're going to be Leiliel's favorite person for a while," Maya said with a chuckle.

"Here, give them a try, I made enough to share," Shinji offered. Upon being given the invitation, the others each took a taiyaki for themselves and took a bite.

"Mmmm, these are good!" Maya commented.

"Yeah, Shin-man, ya hit the jackpot wit' these," added Toji, talking with his mouth full.

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Asuka said as she savored the taste, before planting a quick kiss on Shinji's cheek.

"Thanks," Shinji replied. He then briefly looked our way, a hand held to his lips in whisper. "The secret's in the filling."

**An abandoned beach town on the Japanese coastline...**

Zeruel was bored. _Extremely_ bored. The inspection at the customs checkpoint had taken longer than it'd initially guessed, and it had gone through nearly every magazine in the abandoned store to pass the time. It'd taken 15 personality quizzes, solved 27 crossword puzzles, scoffed at 53 tabloids, and managed to correctly guess the punchlines of 4 _MAD_ magazine fold-ins. It was at that point in its musings that something finally made Zeruel slap itself upside the head, as it finally realized something:

It had been royally had.

Fuming, the Angel of Might unleashed a deafening roar and smashed the customs checkpoint to smithereens, along with the guard droids. Now more determined than ever, Zeruel then began to head towards Tokyo-3 as it followed the mysterious call once more.

**The Freakalair, minutes later...**

A beeping from the Freak-a-puter caused Freakazoid to drop his magazine and look up at the alert on the screen.

"R.O.D.D.Y., is that-?" Freakazoid started to ask.

_Looks like the Angel's on to us,_ Kensuke theorized.

"Aye, laddie, it was gonna happen sooner rather than later," the cyber-Scotsman gravely indicated. "Let's hope our repainted, retrofitted and re-armed tinker toy's up to the task."

"Oh, it'll be up to it, all right..." Freakazoid said with a knowing grin.

**Central Dogma, moments later...**

**"All personnel, battle stations, Level One. Prepare for ground-to-air intercept."**

"Target status?" Fuyutsuki asked, bracing himself for the coming struggle.

"Currently advancing," Shigeru replied, "it's already penetrated the Komagatake Defense line."

The minute Zeruel entered the city limits, all manner of artillery unleashed a full volley of firepower on the immense Angel, all of which failed to so much as scratch it, even without it deploying an AT-Field. Zeruel, in turn, unleashed a powerful beam blast that decimated the defenses, as well as penetrated the first eighteen layers of armor above the Geofront.

Makoto was stunned by this show of force, until his attention turned to the arrival of Misato on the bridge.

"The EVAs won't make it topside in time for a ground-level intercept," Misato solemnly declared. "I want all four EVAs positioned for combat inside the Geofront, directly in front of headquarters." She figured that this fight was going to be more brutal than the previous ones, and silently prayed for the pilots to be safe as EVA Units 00 through 03 were launched to the target destination. "Pilots, you'll engage the target as soon as it breaches the Geofront. Be careful out there, is that understood?"

"Yes, ma'am!" all four pilots replied.

Meanwhile, Zeruel unleashed another beam blast, resulting in another massive explosion that broke through to the surface of another part of the city.

"We're getting pulverized here!" Shigeru shouted. "One more hit and it'll have breached all the armor layers!"

Misato stared at the screen with grim determination. _We're counting on you guys..._she thought to herself.

One blast later, and Zeruel finally broke through, floating down towards the lake of the Geofront. Stationed far from the opening, the four EVAs awaited its approach, weapons at the ready.

"Here it comes..." Asuka warned.

"Man, I can't believe we gotta fight that thing!" Toji said with wide eyes, before swallowing.

"We warned you about getting into this," Shinji reminded his friend. "You know, part of me's kind of sorry about doing this, considering how friendly we've gotten with Leiliel."

"Don't dwell on it," Asuka said. "I don't think we can magic our way out of this one, and something tells me Mr. Killing Machine here's not in the mood to be reasoned with."

Shinji held a standard pallet rifle, Asuka carried a grenade launcher, Toji had a rocket launcher, and Rei was equipped with a positron rifle. All had their sights on the ever-approaching Zeruel.

"Fire away!" Asuka shouted, as she and the others let loose a full salvo of ammo and artillery against the Angel of might. When the dust cleared, it became apparent that they were in for a tough one, as Zeruel continued forward.

"Reload, quick!" Asuka barked alarmingly as the EVAs quickly retrieved fresh ammo and weapons from the cache that'd just emerged near them. "Don't let it get any closer, no matter what!" The quartet soon fired off another volley at Zeruel, which again proved ineffectual.

_Asuka, these tactics aren't working,_ Kyoko Zeppelin-Sohryu warned as she communicated with Asuka from within Unit-02's core. _You'll need to get in closer to try and breach its defenses!_

_No kidding,_ Asuka thought back. "Are we even neutralizing its AT-Field?"

"I don't think it's even got its field out at all!" Shinji replied.

"He is right," Rei added. "I have not seen any hexagonal patterns since we began firing at it."

"Then that means it's got really thick skin," Toji noted with a worried tone of voice. "Yeesh! We're basically fighting Fort Knox here!"

When the dust from the second volley of firepower cleared, Zeruel, having landed on the ground, unfolded paper-thin protrusions from its shoulders into a pair of flat-looking arms.

"What the-?!" Asuka wondered upon seeing this development.

Zeruel then sent its arms flying towards the EVAs, slicing off a good portion of the forest greenery as it did like a gigantic lawnmower.

"DODGE, QUICK!" Shinji cried.

Everyone did as he said and did their best to avoid the razor-thin, razor-sharp appendages. When Unit-01 and Unit-03 peeked up from behind a ridge, Zeruel's right arm quickly swiped _just_ above their heads. It was then that part of Unit-01's horn, cleanly-sliced by the arm, fell off, making both Units' eyes widen.

"Nhaaaaah!" Shinji and Toji both let out, doing their best Curly imitation. Unit-02 and Unit-00 then appeared beside them and hoisted them up by the back of their collars before they could attempt to run.

"Knock it off!" Asuka ordered in a Moe-like fashion. "C'mon, ya chowderheads, get back in there!"

From his melon patch, Kaji watched the battle, worry on his face and both sets of fingers crossed. "C'mon, kids..." he said to himself. "You're all we've got. We really need you now..."

Before Zeruel could charge up another blast, one aimed directly at the black pyramid-like building that was NERV HQ, it was suddenly interrupted by a shout from below.

"NOT SO FAST, TALL, DARK AND UGLY!"

Perplexed by the suddenness of that statement, Zeruel looked around for the source.

"Down here, metal-mug!"

Zeruel, confused, finally looked down. In Central Dogma, Makoto had any nearby cameras focus in on where the shouts had originated, and soon found the individual they'd come from, surprising not only the staff, but also the pilots.

Standing between the two warring, gigantic forces of destruction was Freakazoid, a big confident smile on his face and his chest forward.

"How the heck did he get down there?!" Ritsuko asked alarmingly. "Wait, forget that, why's he there in the first place?! He'll be killed!"

_...And everyone's worried?_ Gendo thought to himself, uncaring with regards to the superhero's fate. _What can he, for all his power, do against a creature such as this?_

Rei, a very concerned expression on her face, turned on Unit-00's speakers.

"Freakazoid, get out of here!" she pleaded. "The Angel will atomize you! Please! I can't bear the thought of losing you!"

"Don't you worry about little old me," Freakazoid replied, undeterred, as he got into a variety of strangely Sentai-ish super-poses. "I didn't come to this fight without bringing the right hardware and firepower to bear. Get ready..." Freakazoid then got out an object from behind his person; it resembled a silvery belt buckle, with a gold coin bearing his face in the center. "'Cause it's time for some Freakazord power!"

"FREAKAZORD?!" wondered all four pilots and most of the key staff on the bridge.

**-X-**

Kensuke took a moment to address us directly from the Freakazone, his hands clasped together almost as if showing reverence.

"To the fine folks in the legal department of Saban Capital Group," he said pleadingly, "please please PLEASE don't sue us! I mean after all, parodies are in fact covered under the fair use doctrine, right?"

**-X-**

**[Suggested music: the ****_Freakazoid_**** theme song, if done in the style of Haim Saban and Shuki Levy.]**

Freakazoid then held the buckle in front of him, as a quick-cut put him in a circle surrounded by static bolts, bordered by the frame of a larger version of the buckle.

"Super-mega-Freak-Out!" he shouted very dramatically. Flashes of light then appeared over him as his costume changed. Soon, he had a white diamond under the logo on his chest, the buckle was now on a white belt around his waist, and red diamonds were now on his gloves and boots. Additionally, a grinning metal face mask underneath an opaque visor was on his face.

The pilots then heard a noise coming from the rail lines leading into the Geofront, and were surprised to see two strange-looking bullet trains power through the tunnels. Both were red in the middle, with a white front and back car book-ending each. Then the sound of powerful jets was heard as a large flying fortress entered through the massive hole that Zeruel had created, and rendezvoused with the bullet trains, which leaped off the tracks with the aid of some jump-jets underneath their chassis. All eyes then bore witness as the vehicles underwent an astounding transformation. First, the two sets of trains split in half, with one pair turning into a pair of arms, and the other becoming legs. The flying fortress then shape-shifted into a torso that surprisingly looked very familiar, in particular, to Shinji, Misato, Ritsuko, and Gendo. Soon the limbs joined together with the body, and a blue, masked head emerged from a cavity in the neck. A compartment on the back opened to add a large black piece to crown the head, and surprisingly was modeled after Freakazoid's hairdo. Freakazoid himself then jumped a great height, somehow landing in the robot's cockpit. The combination/transformation now fully-completed, the large robot, eyes briefly flashing bright, got into a heroic pose at its pilot's command. The Freakazord was ready to fight.

"No way..." Shinji said with awe.

"It's-it's-" Misato started to say in disbelief.

"Jet Alone?!" a shocked Ritsuko finished.

**-X-**

The scene then quickly cut away to Paul Harvey in his study, leaning on his desk.

"Just what is Jet Alone, the large robot that now bears the new moniker of the Freakazord? How did Freakazoid get his hands on this gigantic fighting machine that he will ride into battle against the 14th Angel?

Jet Alone was a battle robot originally developed by Japan Heavy Chemical Industries as an alternative to NERV and the Evangelions, operated by remote control and powered by a nuclear reactor. Wanting to eliminate possible competition, Gendo Ikari ordered Ritsuko Akagi to sabotage the Jet Alone's demonstration by infecting the programming of the colossal robot with a computer virus. The robot soon went out of control and began heading towards a major city, with its core on the verge of a meltdown. Shinji Ikari, in Evangelion Unit-01, was sent to intercept the robot and keep it distracted while Misato Katsuragi, in a HAZMAT suit, would venture inside Jet Alone to manually shut it down. Successful in their endeavor, the threat was neutralized, and Japan Heavy Chemical Industries was humiliated for all their trouble, forced to send their creation into storage on government orders.

Freakazoid, upon learning of the robot from Kensuke Aida, met with JHCI CEO Shotaro Shimamura in order to acquire Jet Alone for his purposes. With the offer of royalties and a generous 60-40 split of the profits from toy sales and other forms of merchandising-in a separate deal negotiated with Takara-Tomy-an agreement was made and Freakazoid soon owned the mighty mechanized marvel. Then, within the span of a week, Freakazoid and his allies rebuilt, repainted, and rearmed the Jet Alone, transforming it into the new, highly-toyetic robotic rumbler you see today, with, among its many myriads of features and gimmicks, a new power source no longer deadly to humans. For instead of nuclear or petroleum-based substances, the Freakazord is powered by fuel created from a combination of clearanced toys from _The Dark Knight Rises_ and unsold copies of all three books in the _Twilight_, _Maze Runner_, and _Hunger Games_ series.

And now you know...The Rest of the Backstory. Good day!"

**-X-**

The scene cut back to the battle at hand, the Freakazord in a fighting stance as it faced Zeruel.

Freakazoid's face mask retracted as he spoke into a mic: "All right, tough guy-you wanna dance? Well..."

At the press of a button, a couple of speakers emerged from the Freakazord's shoulders.

"Let's DANCE!"

**[Suggested music: "We Like to Party" by the Vengaboys.]**

To the shock and astonishment of all eyes within the Geofront, the Freakazord then began dancing exactly like the old man in the commercials for Six Flags theme parks.

The mouths of all human observers hung open, gobsmacked by the strange, almost-surreal display in front of them.

Zeruel, jaw also nearly on the ground, was just as dumbstruck. It briefly looked our way and held up a small sign with only one thing printed on it:

**WUT?**

While it was distracted, one of the Freakazord's flailing arms hit Zeruel right in the gut, knocking the wind out of it and making the Angel wheeze in surprise. It couldn't believe what'd just happened-how could it have harmed it without having generated an AT-Field? Unknown to all present, Freakazoid had also equipped the Freakazord with a small design addition that Naoko provided using some specs 'borrowed' from SEELE, involving an alloy based on the material of the Lance of Longinus. It had been applied as an undercoating beneath the Freakazord's superstructure, meaning it could tangle with Angels without a problem.

"C'mon, guys, join the party!" Freakazoid urged the other pilots.

The EVAs looked at each other, confused and unsure of how to respond.

"Seriously?!" Asuka asked. Her question went unanswered as she took notice of a new occurrence: her EVA tapping its foot along to the beat. It proved to be infectious, as soon Unit-01 started bobbing along, followed by 00 and 03.

"Oh boy..." Shinji said. Soon as he said that, all four EVAs joined the Freakazord in the 'Six Flags dance', with each step landing another blow to Zeruel. The Angel tried fighting back, only to miss with every swipe as each mecha bobbed and weaved out of the way. The staff in Central Dogma continued on in their current state of speechless, astonished observation. Even Gendo was utterly baffled and bamboozled by what he was witnessing. To him, this was definitely _not_ part of the scenario.

All of a sudden, the music paused with a start, as the Freakazord stopped mid-fight/dance, baffling the Angel and the humans. Freakazoid took note of the pinging sound throughout the cockpit. He then noticed a flashing light on the dashboard.

"Uh-oh," he said. "Something tells me I _really_ should've addressed this design flaw before taking it into action." He then shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, well." He then spoke into the mic to address all combatants and observers. "'Scuse me a minute, folks, looks like my mecha's gotta make tinkie!"

Freakazoid then pressed a button, signaling a large structure to appear from under the ground. It looked like an EVA's weapons locker, but had a moon shape cut out in the top-center of the door. The Freakazord then made a beeline for the structure, at which point all eyewitnesses were finally clued in to what its destination was, which made them blanch:

The structure was a mecha-sized outhouse.

The Freakazord stepped right in and closed the door behind it. Just when everyone heard a zipper being undone, Freakazoid spoke again.

"Aw, nutbunnies, out of toilet paper!"

A zipper was heard being pulled back up, and the Freakazord then ran out of the outhouse and back to Zeruel. It then grabbed the left arm of the Angel and ran back to the outhouse, shutting the door behind it. Once again a zipper was heard being undone, followed by Freakazoid humming and whistling as he went about his business. A minute later, the humming/whistling stopped and was replaced by the sound of a toilet flushing, and all eyes saw Zeruel's arm zipping by, unfurling at a rapid pace as the Angel's appendage got sucked down the drain. Zeruel's eyes bugged out in disbelief as it watched its arm continue to unfurl, until finally all that was left was an empty roller in its left shoulder socket.

The Freakazord then stepped out of the outhouse, having washed its hands and dried them off with a large paper towel that it crumpled up and tossed into a compost bin. It then returned to its spot in the showdown and got back into position, facing the now strictly-North-paw Zeruel.

"Annnnd, resume!" Freakazoid said as he pressed 'play' on the dashboard. The music resumed, as did the dancing, and with it the pummeling of Zeruel. After a few minutes, Freakazoid spoke up again:

"Song change! Now let's do the 'Cha-Cha Slide'!"

"Oh, noooo..." Misato and Ritsuko both groaned, as they each did a face-palm; Kaji, all the way in his watermelon patch, did the same thing. The song made them think of the one thing they looked forward to the least whenever they went to one of their mutual friends' wedding receptions.

**[Suggested music: "Cha-Cha Slide" by DJ Casper.]**

The lyrics blasted from the Freakazord's speakers as it and the EVAs surrounded Zeruel, their arms outstretched.

_**Everybody clap your hands!**_

***CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP***

The Freakazord and the EVAs did indeed clap their hands-in and around Zeruel's face, leaving the massive Angel dazed, till it fell on its back. It then endured the alternating steps, stomps, hops, and criss-crossing that came with this particular staple of weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs, only with the Angel of Might being the dance mat for the mechas.

Freakazoid: "Song change!"

Zeruel somehow managed to get itself back up before Freakazoid continued, as it wobbled a bit, unsteady on its feet.

Freakazoid: "Let's give him a 'Butabi Special'!"

**[Suggested music: "What is Love" by Haddaway.]**

As soon as the familiar electronic bars of the club favorite began playing, the Freakazord and the EVAs started bobbing their heads like Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan and Jim Carrey, which then turned into headbutts that knocked Zeruel senseless. For the Angel of Might, this felt _nothing _like a night at the Roxbury.

Freakazoid: "Song change!"

Upon hearing that, the mechas all pulled back, leaving Zeruel to stumble about.

Freakazoid: "Now for the Macadamia!"

In Central Dogma, the staff became greatly confused by what he'd referred to.

"Uh, doesn't he mean the 'Macarena'?" Shigeru asked.

**[Suggested music: "Dot, The Macadamia Nut" from ****_Animaniacs_****.]**

As the title song blared from the Freakazord's speakers, all mecha quickly shifted steps to the beat of the parody of the famous 1996 one-hit wonder.

"Great, it's my senior prom all over again," Makoto said as he shook his head.

The only difference between the two dances was the amount of cartoony mallets involved with the Macadamia-as Zeruel found out, much to its dismay as it got wailed on from all sides. Stars danced around its head as it continued to be unsteady on its feet.

Freakazoid: "Song change!"

Regaining some of its bearings, Zeruel face-palmed, as if it were saying "Not again!".

Freakazoid: "I'll let this guy speak for himself..."

Wondering just what he was talking about, the staff and pilots got their answers when the following blasted out of the Freakazord's speakers:

_**Oppa Gangnam Style!**_

Soon the mechas started moving like Psy, with the addition of random punches socking Zeruel all around.

"This is seriously one of the weirdest Angel battles I have ever seen," Maya commented, a large sweat drop by her head.

After a few minutes of K-pop-styled thrashing, the mechas all stopped. The Freakazord then took out a large coil of ACME progressive cable and quickly ran some of it around the dazed Zeruel's legs. He then tossed the other end over a trio of exposed I-beams sticking out of one of the openings the Angel had made in the armor layers, and hoisted Zeruel up. The confused creature was now hanging upside-down a few feet above the heads of all present mecha.

"Now then, time for the _real_ fun part!" Freakazoid said as he pressed another button. Soon, another structure like an EVA weapons locker emerged from the ground, and opened up. The pilots gaped at what they saw inside, and at Freakazoid's nudging, took one each of the objects within. Upon closer inspection, a label identified them as ACME progressive piñata sticks. On seeing these through the cameras, a number of sweat drops appeared by the heads of the staff on the bridge.

Freakazoid then held out four blindfolds for each of the EVAs. Almost reluctantly, after looking at each other briefly, each EVA took one and tied them around their heads, covering their eyes.

"Ready? Annnd...GO!" Freakazoid signaled. Soon the EVAs started making their way towards the hogtied and upside-down Zeruel, who'd just regained its bearings. Its eyes then bugged out (with the accompanying sound of a jalopy's horn) as soon as it realized what the EVAs were about to do.

"That's it, that's it," Freakazoid said with an encouraging tone, "getting warmer...warmer...annnd...you're there! Give 'em a good whack!"

Soon the EVAs started whacking Zeruel with the sticks. It was unbelievable: after giving them such a hard time, the 14th Angel-what had been, to them, the physically-strongest of the menaces they'd had to face-had been reduced to a king-size piñata. A few techs cringed a bit at each hit, while back on the battlefield, more and more cracks started to appear on Zeruel's core. Zeruel had been too dazed to engage the protective armor plate that would normally shield its core even without an AT-Field. Finally, Asuka's was the stick that landed the final ***WHACK!***, which shattered Zeruel's core. The four EVAs lifted their blindfolds to see Asuka's handiwork, but then the pilots realized what was going to come next.

"Hit the dirt! AT-Fields to full power!" Asuka shouted as all four broke into a run to get as far away as possible.

The Freakazord joined them in ducking into a makeshift trench, just as Zeruel finally exploded in a great flare of light. The shockwave was enough to rattle HQ, causing a few of the staff on the bridge to stumble. When the dust cleared, the EVAs and the Freakazord peered over the ridge of the trench, and saw the shallow crater left in the wake of Zeruel's destruction. It took the stunned staff in Central Dogma a few moments to realize that the Angel had been defeated, and the whole bridge soon erupted into cheers that could be heard in the EVAs' entry plugs. The pilots, on the other hand, merely breathed a sigh of relief.

"Pilots, great work out there," Misato congratulated over the comms. "Once you get back, we'll need to debrief you. After that, go home and get some rest-you've really earned it." She then turned on the external PA for HQ. "Freakazoid, on behalf of all of us-" Gendo grumbled as he got up from his perch and headed to his office. "Well, most of us, let me just say: thank you. You were a big help to us today."

Freakazoid smiled as he then spoke into his mic. "No problemo, Major, all in a day's work," he said, before adding with no small amount of ham, "And now, away I go!" With that, he activated the deployable thruster pack on the back of the Freakazord, and the giant robot soon flew through the opening out of the Geofront, another mission accomplished.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Pretty unconventional way to depict the battle with Zeruel, wouldn't you say?**

**Rei growing her hair out longer is a detail I lifted from Tribun's "Going Another Way", a good story if I do say so.**

**The taiyaki bit is inspired by a favorite food truck of mine that specializes in the pastry, with a variety of unusual fillings in addition to the traditional red bean paste on its menu.**

**The battle with Zeruel sees another Three Stooges shout-out, partly-inspired by the episode of MTV's ****_Celebrity Deathmatch_**** that pitted them against the Three Tenors. (It's one of my favorite fights.)**

**The main set piece of the battle, the rebuilt Jet Alone, is all one big spoof of the ****_Power Rangers _****franchise. It's also a callback to a segment from ****_Animaniacs_****, season 3, episode 1, "Super Strong Warner Siblings". (The show also is also paid homage with my inclusion of the song from season 5, episode 2.) The whole 'defeat by dancing mechas' was all me. The 'Butabi Special' and use of Haddaway's song refers to the late-90's ****_Saturday Night Live _****sketches where Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan play the club-hopping Butabi brothers, who would then headline their own movie spinoff with 1998's ****_A Night at the Roxbury_****. [The headbutting is a nod to another of my favorite ****_Celebrity Deathmatch _****fights, Bill Murray vs. Chris Kattan.]**

**For an artist's rendition of the Freakazord, see my latest DeviantArt submission. On the site, search for 'NERV Freaks Out: 'The Freakazord'.'**


	29. Episode 28

Cue: an animated version of the opening sequence of "The Nostalgia Critic". The camera then opened on the bespectacled, goatee'd title host, sitting at his desk in front of a white wall. As always, he was wearing his trademark black cap, white t-shirt, loose red necktie, and black blazer with rolled-up sleeves.

Nostalgia Critic: "Helloooo, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it, so you don't have to! One of the more under-explored concepts in most of film and television these days is the crossover, a gimmick where two or more characters from disparate, mostly-unrelated franchises either fight, team up, or do a little of both. It's a concept that's been prominent in comic books for decades, and one of Nintendo's all-time best-sellers is the _Super Smash Bros._ series, which takes a number of characters from various Nintendo games and mashes them all together for one great big slugfest. In film though, it's been seen as something more of a novelty, going all the way back to 1942's _Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man_. For other notable movie crossovers, you have the likes of _Freddy vs. Jason_, _Alien vs. Predator_, and even in Japan the likes of _Zatoichi Meets Yojimbo_ and, of course, _King Kong vs. Godzilla_. TV animation's gotten plenty of use out of this storytelling device over the years, like the trio of _Jimmy-Timmy Power Hour_ specials on Nickelodeon, or the _Phineas and Pherb_ mix n' match-ups with _Star Wars_ and Marvel Comics characters. And let's not forget, of course, an all-time classic, _The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons_.

On the onset, it's a rare and mostly cool thing to see your favorite characters crossing 'boundaries' to interact with one another, and it's something most fans would like to see more of. Yet it seems as if the quality of most crossovers these days isn't that high, whether it be due to character or franchise selection or how forced the story bringing them together is. My point is, why AREN'T there more ambitious crossovers in film and TV? Yes, it mostly comes down to licensing and legalities, but could there be a more underlying reason why studios-"

The Nostalgia Critic's spiel was interrupted when he heard an animalistic growl come from nowhere, causing him to look around confusedly.

Nostalgia Critic: "What _the heck_ was that...?!"

As if to immediately answer him, a couple of strange, hairy ape-like humanoids (wearing glasses) entered the frame and lifted him up by the arms with tight grips. He looked between his two simian-esque captors nervously before looking back at the camera.

Nostalgia Critic [attempting to regain some sense of dignity]: "*AHEM* If I may paraphrase a very iconic, if tired, movie quote, let me just say right now...[Begins hysterically struggling in the grip of the ape-humanoids as they carry him away.] GET YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME, YA DANG DIRTY APES!"

The shot was then replaced with the following title card:

***TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES***

**I(X)I**

***PLEASE STAND BY***

**Episode 24 - Kidnapping and Other Minor Inconveniences, Part 1**

The meeting of the SEELE council commenced as soon as the holograms of each member came into view, with that of Armando Gutierrez appearing last.

"Gentlemen, let us begin," the eyepatch-wearing mastermind said. "In spite of the latest victory over the Angels, it has become clear, contrary to Ikari's assertions, that his grasp of the Freakazoid situation still remains tenuous, at best."

"Agreed," one council member said, "that masked freak continues to evade Section-2's efforts, and Boa-Magnon's reports have become intermittent of late."

"Which brings me to another concern," Gutierrez hinted as he continued. "On the subject of 'intermittent reports', there have been even fewer coming from your inside man within NERV. Ryoji Kaji, correct?"

"Correct," another council member answered. "A lot of us, Kihl especially, have been harboring a lot of doubts about that man for some time. Ikari has held the same, which leads us to conclude that Kaji may possess an agenda of his own. What it involves we are currently unsure of, but there is no doubt he means to undermine our cause, as well as whatever Ikari's may truly be."

"Ah yes," Gutierrez said, "a man who knows too much certainly cannot be allowed to continue running free now, can he? We will have to remedy the situation soon. In the mean time, I believe we will need to gain further insight into the Ikari situation. And I know just the man who might be able to..._cooperate_ with us in this regard..."

**Gendo Ikari's office, mid-evening...**

"My my, what an unexpected turn of events," Kaji said as he turned to face Gendo and Fuyutsuki. Both commanders were not amused by the spy's candor. "Just how do you plan to explain this to the Committee? Or rather, SEELE?"

"...Freakazoid simply acted on his own to interfere in our operation," Gendo answered. "It is a simple enough explanation even the old men would accept."

"True," Kaji concurred. "And of course, they dodged a big one with most of the EVA's coming out of the fight relatively unscathed. Their scenario continues, unimpeded..."

"Except their scenario is no longer coming to pass," Gendo said.

Hearing this took Kaji by surprise. "What do you mean?" the unshaven spook asked, curious by the implications in Gendo's statement.

Gendo, for his part, smirked before he answered; he genuinely took great pleasure in throwing the normally-crafty agent off-balance. "It is just as I said," he replied. "The old men's plans have been completely swept aside, ever since the coup they experienced a couple of months ago."

Kaji grew even more surprised. "What happened?" he asked.

"Lorenz Kihl, shortly after the battle with the 12th Angel, was deposed by a new player on the board," Gendo explained. "The former chairman's whereabouts are currently unknown to me."

Kaji's eyes narrowed as he threw out his next question. "So then, who's been running the show?"

"Armando Gutierrez," Gendo replied.

"...You're joking," Kaji stated. He knew Gutierrez was a white whale in the intelligence community, given his status as one of the world's most wanted men.

"As Fuyutsuki can attest, I never 'joke', Kaji," Gendo responded.

Kaji was about to say something else, when he decided to let it go at the last minute. He then spoke up again: "This definitely changes everything." He then turned and left the office, closing the door behind him.

**Central Dogma, the MAGI consoles, around the same time...**

Ritsuko was doing some routine maintenance on the three large consoles of the MAGI; the rest of her subordinates had gone on break, yet she opted to stay and give the three-machine supercomputer a once-over. It was mostly out of habit, since for most of her life she tended to get along better with test tubes and circuit boards than people. (Though cats were one of her few exceptions.) Next to her was a holographic projector showing the code as it cycled through the routines she'd input minutes ago, until it flickered in a way that really got her attention. A surprised Ritsuko then watched as the image began to change before her. The lines of code were soon replaced by a human face, one that Ritsuko herself recognized: that of her own mother, Naoko Akagi.

"Wha-what's going on here?!" Ritsuko wondered with shock, which soon became frustration. "If I find whoever monkeyed around with the MAGI to do this, I am going to seriously-!"

"Ritsuko, calm down! No one messed around with the MAGI, I guarantee it," the image said reassuringly.

Ritsuko's shock soon returned upon hearing the hologram's voice. "No, no this isn't happening," she said with denial, "the commander probably programmed this to torment me. It's the only explanation-"

"Other than the three MAGI becoming one and gaining self-awareness?" Naoko said, finishing the sentence. "Effectively reincarnating me into a cyberspace-themed existence?"

Ritsuko once again gaped. The MAGI uniting into a single mind? And not just any, but a very close copy of her late mother's? It seemed too good to be true.

"You're probably thinking it seems too good to be true, aren't you?" Naoko asked. "Well, believe it, Ritsuko-I'm back!"

A still-gaping Ritsuko, befuddled beyond belief, then looked our way as she suddenly found herself in a parody of the opening sequence of a cult-favorite 1960's sitcom...

**-X-**

[Cue title graphic: "My Mother the Computer". Title fade, replace with "Starring Ritsuko Akagi".]

_**Everybody knows in the second life, **_

_**we all come back sooner or later.**_

_**As anything from a roving Roomba to a graphing calculator.**_

[Cue typical computer sounds. Title graphic appears: "Also starring Maya Ibuki."]

_**Well, you all may think**_

_**my story is**_

_**more fiction than it's fact...**_

_**But believe it or not,**_

_**My mother dear**_

_**decided to come back...**_

_**As a computer-**_

_**Neither a PC nor a Mac!**_

_**She's a font of wisdom with chips and circuits**_

_**and vacuum tubes in the back!**_

_**She helps me through**_

_**everything I do,**_

_**always with the best of tact!**_

[More computer noises. New graphic title appears: "Also starring Miss Naoko Akagi as...". Title fades, replaced with...]

_**"My Mother the Computer!"**_

_**"My Mother the Computer!"**_

**-X-**

Ritsuko, a script in-hand, was watching all this on a TV monitor as she sat in a director's chair.

"Oh-okay, now I get it," she said with understanding while reviewing the scene, tapping a pen against the script. "All right, I get it, I see what you're doing...This is spoofing that really old sitcom with the guy who drives a vintage car possessed by his mother's ghost...What was its name again?" She briefly scratched her temple with the pen's back end. "Can't think of it off the top of my head...A bit obscure, not sure how many in the audience will get it, but points for referencing something not a lot of people would..."

She then pushed the cart the monitor was on away with one foot, and then tossed the script to the side as she got back to her place on the set, between the MAGI consoles, where the hologram of Naoko was waiting for her. She then cleared her throat as she got back into character.

"How can I be sure it's really you?" Ritsuko asked the holographic likeness of her mother. The Naoko hologram motioned for her to come closer with one finger; Ritsuko bent down, and Naoko proceeded to whisper into her ear (a hand covering her mouth). Ritsuko's eyes widened considerably at what Naoko was saying, causing her to abruptly pull back.

"I've never shared any of that with anyone, not even Gendo!" Ritsuko said. It was true; only one other person knew about that one particularly embarrassing moment in the NERV head scientist's life, and that person was her own mother. "...It really is you. I don't believe it-how are you even here like this?"

"Remember when the 11th Angel attacked?" Naoko asked.

"Well, yes," Ritsuko answered. "We would've been done for if Freakazoid hadn't-" She stopped as the pieces began to come together quickly. "No wonder the security footage from that day happened to just 'disappear'."

Naoko nodded in affirmation. "His intervention was the kick in the rear I needed to put myself back together. I guess my personality imprint tech turned out to be an unexpected contingency for me. Though I can't say the same for the rest of me..."

"What _did_ happen to you that day?" Ritsuko asked, as the initial details she'd been given of her mother's accident began to lose their validity.

"...If it's all the same to you, I'd like to tell you later," Naoko replied. "Somewhere private. You never know who might be listening or watching-especially when it may be _him_."

It didn't take Ritsuko long to figure out just who she was referring to, and nodded in agreement. The two then quietly decided to reconvene tomorrow at Ritsuko's apartment, where she could ensure her connection to the MAGI (from her own home console) would be completely private.

**The next morning, District 8, the west side of the city...**

Fuyutsuki was awaiting his usual train into NERV HQ, a folded newspaper under one arm. It was then that he noticed that the station was very empty. Usually, even at this time of day, he could expect to see at least a couple of people waiting to get on as well, but it was practically a ghost town. At that moment, his slight sense of paranoia caused him to hear the sound of footsteps. When he looked back up at his environment, he found himself surrounded by black-clad masked goons. It didn't take long for him to figure out who'd sent them.

"...*SIGH* Don't worry, I know the drill," the former professor said with resignation as he put his wrists behind his back. "I appreciate you having the courtesy to not hit me with a blackjack or drug me, at least. Not to sound so critical, it's just either option would've been a bit too cliche." One goon then proceeded to bind the sub-commander's wrists together with rope as Fuyutsuki was then led to an unmarked, black SUV's back seat. Before being seated, a black bag was then placed over his head. Fuyutsuki then noticed a particular aroma within the bag as another goon buckled him in. "Hmm, how odd-did you use Febreze or Tide when you washed this?" he asked as the door closed and the SUV drove off.

**NERV HQ, an interrogation room, a couple of hours later...**

Misato wasn't happy about her current situation. Earlier, a couple of Section-2 agents had approached her in her office, ordered her to surrender her weapon, and then had her accompany them to the room she was presently sitting in. According to what they'd told her, Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki had been abducted while awaiting his usual train into work. They'd also informed her that current intel pegged none other than Kaji having masterminded the kidnapping; since she was close to the man, they would suspect her of having some insight into the whole affair. Hearing this, however, didn't fly with NERV's ops director-especially considering she and Kaji had talked the other night, where her spook of a boyfriend told her of what he'd learned during his meeting with the commanders. They'd speculated that SEELE would probably try and pump someone in NERV's high command for information who wasn't Gendo, so Kaji kept his ear to the ground, until he caught wind of the kidnapping plot thanks to a few of his contacts. He then set out to try and find where Fuyutsuki was taken, hopefully to extract him. Before he'd left, Misato made him promise to be careful. Still, she was worried about him-though she didn't show it to the two agents currently watching over her.

"...Since I'm guessing we're gonna be here a while," Misato started to say, "could I get a magazine or two, at least? Don't wanna get bored out of my skull. 'Cause trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm bored out of my skull."

**An undisclosed location, around the same time...**

A light shone under the chair in the center of the dark room, where Fuyutsuki sat, wrists still bound behind him. The large holographic visage of Gutierrez soon appeared before him.

"I never expected I'd be speaking to you at any point, Mr. Gutierrez," Fuyutsuki said.

Gutierrez smirked a bit before he spoke. "I do apologize for the rather improper means of getting in touch with you," Gutierrez replied. "I hope my men haven't hurt you."

"You do know you could have just called me on the phone," Fuyutsuki pointed out.

"Ah, yes, true," Gutierrez concurred, "but I find that the telephone is so...impersonal. It is why I prefer the 'hands-on' touch you only get with hired goons."

Fuyutsuki arched an eyebrow at that remark. _Still very much the supervillain, isn't he?_ he thought. "To what do I owe the pleasure of being forced to miss work today?"

Before Gutierrez responded, the holograms of the other members of the SEELE council appeared. "We have a long-simmering problem that we need to discuss with you," Gutierrez explained. "It concerns your former student-turned-commanding officer. Think of this as something of a...performance review. We very much _insist_ on your cooperation, Professor."

_Huh. Professor..._Fuyutsuki mused to himself. _No one's called me that for a long time..._

**Rei Ayanami's apartment, early afternoon...**

Rei, her long sapphire locks bound into a neat ponytail, was sitting on her couch, reading a book. Shinji and Asuka were doing a little studying, with their textbooks spread open on their friend's coffee table. Shinji then noticed, out of the corner of his eye, a small stack of notebooks on an end table on the right side of the couch.

"Are those sketchbooks?" Shinji asked the bluenette.

For a brief moment, he and Asuka could've sworn they saw Rei twitch nervously. "...Yes, they are," she replied.

"...What's in them?" Asuka asked.

"Nothing," Rei replied quickly, diving back into her book. Shinji and Asuka turned to each other, surprised by their friend's sudden reaction. Asuka abruptly then stood up and walked over to the stack of sketchbooks.

"Please do not open that," Rei said, subtly pleading with Asuka.

"Too late!" Asuka nonchalantly said as she lifted one sketchbook up and began flipping through it. Rei started to blush, while Asuka's eyes widened with surprise. "Shinji, get a load of this."

Shinji, reluctantly, stood up and proceeded to look over his girlfriend's shoulder. His eyes, too, went wide. It was a reaction they'd both shared months ago when they'd seen Rei doodling in her notebook in class. In the sketchbook were pages upon pages of drawings-and all of them were of Freakazoid. Even more surprising was the variety of styles that Rei had utilized to depict the wacky wonder: Renaissance, Art Nouveau, Cubist, Surrealist, Modernist, Post-Modernist, and even a few familiar manga styles.

"I...understand if you seem concerned," Rei sheepishly said, the blush having yet to leave her face as she nervously twiddled her thumbs.

"Well...maybe a little bit," Shinji admitted. "But I have to say, some of these are really good."

"Looks like someone's been paying a lot of attention in art class," Asuka noted as she flipped through more pages. "How long have you been holding out on us, Wondergirl?"

"...It actually has been relatively recent for me," Rei replied, the blush now starting to fade from her cheeks.

"Still, I may not know much about art, but I think you've really got talent," Shinji commented.

"You ever think of doing any pieces that're more...funny?" Asuka asked.

"How do you mean?" Rei asked.

"Cartoons, caricatures, that sort of thing," Asuka elaborated, her gaze turning to the stack of old _MAD_ magazine issues on the coffee table. "Like the stuff they do in those. I mean, some people can say they draw as a hobby, but what about cartooning?"

"And if you're really good, you could make a career out of it too," Shinji added, pointing to the same stack of magazines. "It certainly worked out for those guys, right?"

Rei seemed to consider that point for a moment, before responding. "That sounds like a promising idea," she said. She then reached out to pick up one of the issues, opened it up, and began reading it. Shinji and Asuka then returned to their studying. A couple of minutes later, they heard Rei ask them a question.

"Could you explain this joke to me?"

Shinji and Asuka looked at her, then at each other, both thinking the same thing: _Oh, boy..._

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**And now we've reached a point of what normally is a source of major drama in the EVA canon. Let's screw around with it, shall we? ;)**

**The opening teaser should be familiar to you eagle-eyed readers who've seen ****_Freakazoid_****'s 21st episode. It'll give you an idea of who the next villain on the horizon is...Plus, say hi to our new 'guest-star', the Nostalgia Critic!**

**If you haven't guessed it already, Ritsuko's little reunion with Naoko features a parody of the intro sequence for the 1960's 'fantasy-sitcom' ****_My Mother The Car_****, with a few minor tweaks to the lyrics. I'd imagine an animated sequence akin to ****_Bewitched _****or ****_I Dream of Jeannie_**** as part of the joke.**

**Ritsuko commenting on the parody as she reviews her script is based on Freakazoid doing something similar in the season one segment "Freakazoid is History!", where upon realizing he's gone back in time, he finds himself in a parody of ****_Quantum Leap_****'s title sequence (which he also comments on).**

**Naoko confirming she's the genuine article to Ritsuko is a bit lifted from Mike313's non Superwomen of EVA 2 story "Altered Destinies".**

**Misato, when asking for a magazine, paraphrases a trademark catchphrase from the 1978 ****_Incredible Hulk_**** TV series. (Also something of a slight nod to OrionPax09's "Emerald Fury" story.)**

**Gutierrez, when weighing the pros and cons of 'phone vs. goons', paraphrases Mr. Burns in the fourth season episode of ****_The Simpsons _****titled "Last Exit to Springfield".**

**And now we see the beginnings of Rei's descent into ****_MAD_****-ness...**

**All right, enough of my hinting, time for some fun!**

_Omake 9 - Rei's Pitch_

Author0fntent was going over some notes when he heard a knock on his office door.

"Come in," he said. The door opened and he looked up from his notes to find Rei entering the office. "What can I do for you, Rei?"

"I would like to discuss an idea for a spin-off that I have been thinking about," the First Child replied.

The author's eyebrow arched upon hearing that. "You want to pitch a spin-off?" he asked.

"Yes," Rei replied in turn. "I have been looking to expand upon my range and felt a more light-hearted, 'throwback'-styled sitcom would be an avenue worth exploring."

"Really?" Author0fntent asked. "What'd you have in mind?"

"I have been looking at a few fanfics that have explored the idea of one or more of my selves or clones becoming self-aware," Rei explained. "Most of them, sadly, did not get very far beyond five chapters at the most. Some examples I cite, in particular, include "Me, Myself and Ayanami", "Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut", "Coupled Effort", or "The Mighty Reiko-Chan". From their influence, I have created a pitch for a story in which the following happens: a glitch during one of my memory uploads causes three of my long-suppressed emotions to manifest in three of my clones, who then get loose. I now have the responsibility of helping them acclimate to regular life, despite being not as well-versed in it myself-which causes, as many would say, for hilarity to ensue."

"Well, there's some potential in that kind of story idea," the author said.

"I have even gone so far as to audition a few actresses to play those errant 'sisters' of mine," Rei said before turning to the office door. "You may come in."

On that cue, the door opened and three Rei clones entered, making the author's eyes widen a bit with surprise. Each clone had a different expression on their face that greatly contrasted with that of the main Rei. One had a very sneaky, very sly grin; another looked very meek and seemed as if she'd flinch at anything at the drop of a hat; and the third had her brows furrowed, looking as if she was ready to verbally dish out some punishment to someone.

"Hi!" said the grinning one. "How's it going? Writin' up a storm? Or did someone drop a writer's block on your head?" She then giggled cheekily.

"H-h-hello..." said the meek one. "We-we hope y-you'll g-give Rei's proposal some th-thought..."

"*Grumble grumble*" said the third one. "Trust me when I say, you DON'T wanna see how well I take rejection." She then cracked her knuckles.

A sweatdrop emerged next to the author's head. Rei then cleared her throat.

"Allow me to introduce you," Rei offered as she pointed to the first lookalike. "As 'mischievous me', Sarah Silverman." The grinning one waved while she chuckled over some implied joke. "As 'nervous me', Kate Micucci." The meek one gave the author a small, polite wave. "And as 'irate me', Rachel Bloom." The surly one, arms folded in front of her, merely 'hmph'd' and turned her head.

The author scratched his head for a moment before he spoke. "Tell you what," he offered, "leave a script with my assistant and I'll go over it, and then I'll get back to you."

"That is acceptable," Rei replied as she turned to the three lookalikes. "I believe we can 'take five', girls." With that, the quartet of identical bluenettes left the office. The author, once the coast was clear, then looked in our direction.

"I gotta start hanging a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on my door," he said as he shook his head, returning to his notes.


	30. Episode 29

**Episode 25 - Kidnapping and Other Minor Inconveniences, Part 2**

**Undisclosed location, mid-afternoon...**

"It has come to my attention that for some time now, Ikari's loyalty to this organization has been held in doubt," Gutierrez explained. "Some of the council have expressed concerns that, contrary to our little chat when we first met, he secretly is planning something behind our backs. Would you care to elaborate?"

Fuyutsuki merely shrugged before he answered. "Sorry to say, there are some things even he never tells me," the former professor replied, partly-lying through his teeth. "I'm afraid I can't help you there. And don't get me wrong, he may have been my former student, but there's no love lost between us. Between you and me, I'm starting to wonder if all my troubles wouldn't have begun if I hadn't bailed the man out of jail when we first met."

"Intriguing," Gutierrez noted. "Just what was the future Commander of NERV doing in a jail cell in the first place, if you don't mind me asking?"

"He was out one night and got into a fight with some other thugs," Fuyutsuki answered. "Apparently one of them dared to call him a name that set him off. Can't seem to remember what it was at the moment."

"Hmm, in that regard, I know how the man feels," Gutierrez said, recalling his own specific trigger word.

"Apparently he'd actually used his one phone call as a means of finally meeting me. Really, the only other reason I ever had anything to do with Gendo Ikari is because of his wife," Fuyutsuki added.

"Another former student of yours, a Dr. Yui Ikari, if I recall correctly from the dossier we have on you," Gutierrez said.

Fuyutsuki nodded. "Indeed. Bright young woman, she was," he recalled. "It was a groundbreaking paper of hers that first drew her to my attention. Even after she graduated we kept in touch. In the aftermath of Second Impact, I found myself crossing paths with her again after I'd been recruited for a UN-backed expedition to Post-Impact Antarctica." A frown adorned his face for a moment. "It was also where I'd found out that she and Gendo had been engaged. To this day, I still don't know what she saw in that man."

Gutierrez arched an eyebrow. "Do I detect a hint of jealousy, Professor?" he inquired, a slight teasing hidden within his words.

"Oh, don't you go there," Fuyutsuki chided. "If anything, Yui Ikari was like a daughter to me. Even us father-figures can be over-protective sometimes."

**Ritsuko Akagi's apartment, mid-afternoon...**

Ritsuko opened the door to her abode and quietly stepped right in, shutting it behind her. She'd told her subordinates that she was taking the afternoon off, citing a need to get some rest. After doing a quick bug sweep, she then walked over to her personal computer and turned it on. After booting it up, she quickly keyed in a sequence connecting her to the MAGI, securing it enough that no one would be able to tap into her line. She then typed in the following message:

THE COAST IS CLEAR.

As if answering, a small beep was heard and soon Naoko's face appeared on the monitor, looking around via the webcam just above the screen.

"Hmm, I see some things haven't changed," the digitized elder Akagi noted as she looked around her daughter's dwelling, eyeing in particular a number of cat-themed items.

"Trust me, my 'cat-alog' is one of the very few things that keeps me sane through all this," Ritsuko replied. "But enough 'chit-cat'. It's just us here, so spill: how'd you wind up taking a page from _Max Headroom_?"

"...It really all starts back at the beginnings of NERV," Naoko started to recount. "The finishing touches on the Geofront were just being put in place. The U.N. Artificial Evolution Laboratory was also about to be reorganized as GEHIRN. All we needed was one other founding member-and we got him the day that Gendo brought Prof. Fuyutsuki to our door. You remember that day, don't you?"

Ritsuko nodded. "I was fifteen then," she replied. "You wanted to show me what you were involved in, said it was some of the most groundbreaking scientific research of the century, if not in the history of humankind. You'd just started work on the MAGI."

"And you were almost out of high school," Naoko said. "Still trying to figure out what you wanted to study in college."

"Some days I wish I'd followed in Dad's footsteps and gone to law school," Ritsuko said with a sigh. "On the bright side, I met Misato when I got to Tokyo U."

"I remember when you first told me about her," Naoko said in turn. "How she was this bright, sunny chatterbox of a girl."

"Yeah, those were the days," Ritsuko said with a soft chuckle. "I do miss them sometimes."

"Don't we all," Naoko affirmed. "I wished I'd been around enough to see how you two got along. Back then I was all cooped up underground; the lunches they provided always left a bad taste in my mouth."

"Must've been the same caterers that provide the sludge we call coffee," Ritsuko added. "Remember that letter I sent you about Misato playing hooky all week?"

"Right, how she and that guy-Kaji, right?-just went all over the place, having fun, enjoying themselves," Naoko answered.

"I was sooo jealous when she mentioned the hot dog-eating contest she won," Ritsuko said as she shook her head, "she devoured all those and didn't gain a ounce! It's like I was best friends with Jughead! And Kaji...I thought he was just a big goofball, I don't know what she saw in him."

"Well, then again, you've never been that good around boys, Ritsuko," Naoko said. "I feel I'm a bit to blame, leaving you on your own most of the time."

"Much as I like walking down memory lane like this," Ritsuko started to say, "can we get to why you're made of zeroes and ones these days?"

"Sorry about that," Naoko said. "Anyway, where it really began for me...was the day of Yui Ikari's ill-fated contact experiment..."

**Undisclosed location, around the same time...**

"We were quite the brain trust in the GEHIRN days," Fuyutsuki said as he reminisced. "Myself, Yui, Gendo, Naoko Akagi..."

"Four of the most brilliant minds in the fields of metaphysical biology and computer science, all gathered under one subterranean roof," Gutierrez said, causing Fuyutsuki to arch an eyebrow. "I had a few agents within GEHIRN, funneling information to my secret hideaway, nothing too special. One couldn't be too ignorant of possible..._opportunities._ Now please, continue."

"Very well," Fuyutsuki replied. "I remember one Autumn day where I met with Yui. She was taking hers and Gendo's son, Shinji-he was three at the time-out for a stroll. I was telling her like it is of what I thought of the circumstances that kept me at GEHIRN. How SEELE and Gendo essentially blackmailed and threatened me into staying on. Yui at first didn't seem too perturbed; she'd nearly bought into what they were selling, but she hinted to me of some plan of hers that would throw a wrench into the group's original designs. I'd tried to dissuade her from becoming a test subject, but she said she was doing it all for Shinji." His face grew a bit somber before he kept going. "Then came the day of the contact experiment, one year later. She'd actually brought Shinji along to witness it firsthand. There he was, with Gendo, Naoko and myself in the Pribnow Box, the gigantic thing that was Evangelion Unit-01 before us beyond the glass. Before she set foot in its entry plug, I tried to tell her that Shinji shouldn't be here, that it was _her_ experiment. She said that was exactly why she had him here. That she wanted to show him the bright future..."

**Ritsuko's apartment...**

"Those were Yui's final words before she entered the plug," Naoko somberly recalled. "The rest you're familiar with." She grimaced slightly before continuing. "I actually felt like I'd gotten what I wanted. I was so foolish back then, thinking that with her gone, I could have a chance with Gendo. Some time after her funeral, the two of us actually started seeing each other. I was stretched thin, between our personal and professional lives. Deep down, a part of me kept trying to say that he would never make any room in his heart, that he'd never forget Yui."

"Oh, mother..." Ritsuko said. The way she was describing it sounded all too familiar.

"Where things began to go wrong was when you came aboard, as a new member of GEHIRN's Tech Development Department." Naoko paused before going on a brief tangent. "I'm, er...sorry you walked in on me and Gendo locked in a passionate embrace..."

"Yeah, real fun way to start my first day," Ritsuko said with a sarcastic shudder.

"Then came the day that Gendo brought a new face to the Geofront," Naoko said. "One with a head of hair that was a distinct shade of blue..."

"Rei Ayanami," Ritsuko figured out immediately. "I definitely remember that day. No surprise as to why her appearance shocked you."

"I'd already had my suspicions once I got a good look at that little girl," Naoko continued. "When I combed through the files to see if I could find anything on her, all that came back was zilch, nothing, zippo. Unfortunately, I never did get my answers in that life. Flash-forward to the day the MAGI was completed..."

"You were so proud that day," Ritsuko mentioned. "You considered it your life's achievement. I was happy for you, don't get me wrong, but also kind of envious-still kind of am-I mean, how was I going to top you compared to _that_?"

"It was also the day that you went to greet Misato upon her return from the German branch," Naoko reminded her daughter. "You'd decided to head out early so you could beat the traffic."

"Right. You asked me if she and Kaji were still together," Ritsuko said. "I'd told you that they'd broken up. Which then led to the shortest conversation we'd ever had on my love life."

"I know," Naoko replied. "A little while after you'd left, I was looking over my creation, and decided to get a jump on activating it when I heard Rei walk up behind me. I asked if she needed anything, only to hear that she'd gotten lost. I'd offered to help her, but then she started saying things...Things that began to set me off. She'd called me an old hag...I scolded her, telling her she shouldn't say things like that, or she'd get in trouble with Gendo. Then she revealed that those were Gendo's actual words...that he saw me as a pushy, needy, old hag...one that he didn't need anymore..."

Ritsuko's eyes went wide and her mouth went agape upon hearing this. She couldn't believe what she was hearing-that Gendo had used a little girl as a Trojan horse like that, to gaslight her mother...

"I lost it at that point," Naoko grimly admitted. "I nearly lunged for her throat, I was going to silence her..."

Ritsuko covered her mouth in shock.

"...Unfortunately, I'd failed to notice the wet floor sign near my station," Naoko finished. "Apparently the custodial staff didn't mop up everything in that area. The minute I went towards Rei, I slipped and tumbled over the side of the railing. I ended up falling between the three MAGI consoles just as they'd finished powering up. The next thing I knew, I was being electrocuted by so many volts. I also felt as if my mind were being pulled in three separate directions. Before things went dark, I looked up and saw the terrified face of Rei looking down at me. In that moment, I knew that she'd realized what she'd done. How we'd both been used as tools by that...that cruel man..."

**Undisclosed location...**

"The next day, Kihl and SEELE, under the guise of the Human Instrumentality Committee, dissolved GEHIRN and reorganized it as NERV," Fuyutsuki said.

A pause hung in the air before Gutierrez spoke. "That was quite a gripping, heartbreaking tale you've woven regarding the 'birth' of NERV," Gutierrez commented. "You really had me on the edge on my seat. Yet you failed to provide any insight into Gendo Ikari's intentions..."

"As I said, he really doesn't share a lot with me. I will say one thing regarding your takeover of SEELE," Fuyutsuki started to say, "if there's any upside to it, it's that you had some sense to stop the Human Instrumentality Project." He looked to the side briefly before he continued. "Though I do suspect you've got something even worse planned to take its place."

Gutierrez smiled on hearing that. "Your suspicions would prove to be well-founded..."

**Ritsuko's apartment...**

Tears began to well in Ritsuko's eyes as Naoko kept going.

"When I awoke, I found my thoughts all...fragmented," Naoko continued. "It was recently that I realized that somehow my mind had been in fact split in three, each part digitized and absorbed into the three components of the MAGI, all corresponding to the aspects of my personality that I'd based each one of them on. It wasn't until Freakazoid entered the MAGI during the 11th Angel's attack that I was able to make myself whole again."

"What...What happened to your body?" Ritsuko asked.

Naoko hesitated a bit before she answered. "I managed to pick up what happened next through bits and pieces of data thought to have been deleted at the time. Gendo ordered a medical team to carry my comatose body to the chamber where Unit-00 laid. Before he did anything else, he quietly escorted Rei back to his office, where he ordered her to repress everything she'd witnessed, to never speak of or discuss it with anyone else."

"That's why she's been so reserved all this time..." Ritsuko said, realizing why Rei was the way she'd been.

Naoko continued. "Gendo then joined the team in Unit-00's chamber, just as they put my body into its entry plug. He then started up a sequence to activate Unit-00. It was a repeat of the circumstances that caused Unit-01 to absorb Yui Ikari. Only this time..._my_ soul was trapped within an EVA's core." Naoko's eyes narrowed a bit. "It's why Unit-00 is so erratic with Rei. Without my mind to ground it with reason, my soul lashes out at those it sees as responsible for its predicament."

"That's...that's horrible..." Ritsuko commented, before anger crept into her voice. "And all this time, he KNEW...he set it all up..."

"Which brings us to now," Naoko said. "I've been working with Freakazoid to stop both Gendo and SEELE's plans ever since. Ritsuko, I'm so, so sorry that you ended up in this mess. And you have no idea just how infuriating it is to see him do to you what he did with me..."

"Well, you'll be glad to know that we haven't been seeing each other lately," Ritsuko replied with bitter amusement. "Ever since this whole Freakazoid business started, he's had his focus mainly on getting the guy out of the way so he can get his own 'Instrumentality Project' underway. And quite frankly, I'm done with him, and more inclined to help Freakazoid out myself. *Sigh* I guess I was right about not really knowing about love and happiness..."

"Now hold on just a minute there," Naoko said. "Just because you got burned once, doesn't mean you should give up on it easily. I mean think about it, there's a whole song by the Supremes that lays it out clearly! You'll meet someone-in fact, I think you already know them."

"I-I do?" Ritsuko asked, confused and curious.

"More than that," Naoko replied. "She's been under your nose the whole time."

"...Wait, 'she'?" Ritsuko paused a bit to consider the implications of that statement. "You think Misato's-? But she and Kaji got back together-!"

"What? NO, not Misato," Naoko said as she interrupted Ritsuko's thought. "She's _definitely_ not your type, trust me."

"Oh yeah," Ritsuko replied. "Waitaminute, are you saying I'm-?!"

"I _did_ mention you had trouble around boys, Ritsuko," Naoko said. "Despite you covering it up under the scientific reasoning of love being 'illogical', part of me had an inkling of a reason why."

"...You know, thinking about it more, it does make sense in a lot of ways," Ritsuko realized. "So if it's not Misato, then who're you talking about?"

"Give it a bit more thought," Naoko answered. "Who else has been there for you, right by your side, and knows you so well?"

Ritsuko indeed gave it some thought, and only one person seemed to come to mind. The fact that it was _her_ in particular gave Ritsuko some pause.

"I...I always knew she had a crush on me, but still...Maya? Are you serious?" Ritsuko asked with a smidge of disbelief.

"Ritsuko, when you've been in control of a computer system connected to nearly the entire Tokyo-3 metropolitan area for as long as I have, you tend to pick up on a number of things," Naoko replied. "(Also, I _may_ have looked at Maya's desktop diary.)"

"You read Maya's computer diary?!" Ritsuko gaped in shock and embarrassment. "_MOTHER...!_"

"Calm down, I only took small peeks," Naoko said. "But they were enough for me to put the whole picture together. I think Maya's the one, and you know it. So go for it, Ritsuko-if there's anyone in this world who may be able to make you happy, I'm betting on her."

Before Ritsuko could respond, a small pinging was heard.

"Uh-oh, looks like I'm needed for the EVA diagnostics," Naoko noted. "I hate to go, Ritsuko, but I've got to keep up appearances. We'll talk again soon, I promise. Do think about what I said, will you?"

"I understand," Ritsuko replied. "And I will. Thank you, mother."

"See you later," Naoko said before she blinked out. Ritsuko then got up from her chair and went to lie down on her bed. Before she decided to rest a bit, she picked up her phone and dialed a number. She was still thinking before someone picked up on the other line.

"Hello?"

Ritsuko hesitated a bit before she spoke. "Maya? It's me," she responded.

"Sempai? What's up?" the tech asked. "You resting okay?"

"I am, thanks," Ritsuko answered. "...Listen, Maya, I was wondering. Would you...like to get coffee sometime?"

**The streets of Tokyo-3, late afternoon...**

Freakazoid was continuing on his usual patrol, having dealt with a couple of small crises so far. While scanning the streets as he hung onto a street light, Kusagabe pulled up in his squad car.

"Hey Freakazoid," the policeman started to ask, "wanna check out the International Tokyo Toy Show?"

"Really?! Are-are you serious?!" Freakazoid responded excitedly as he quickly got into the passenger seat of the car. "Let's roll!"

_Well, at least it's something I'm also interested in,_ Kensuke noted.

**The International Tokyo Toy Show, minutes later...**

Freakazoid and Kusagabe wandered about the convention center, looking upon the vast variety of new toys, video games and merchandise on display.

"Wow," Freakazoid said with wonder and amazement, "do I wish I could get everything in here..."

"Me too, kid," Kusagabe concurred. "By the way-the sub-commander of NERV was abducted earlier today, might be in some kind of trouble."

"He is?!" Freakazoid replied with surprise. "Then what am I doing hanging around here? Thanks for the tip, Kusagabe, there's no time to lose!" Freakazoid then began to run out of the convention center in his usual 'swooshing' style. As he navigated his way throughout the Tokyo-3 area, he eventually came upon a certain pony-tailed 'U.N. special inspector' sneaking about an unmarked building on the outskirts of the city.

"Now, I guess I'll go..." Kaji said to himself.

"Hiya, Kaji!" Freakazoid greeted enthusiastically.

"GAH!" a startled Kaji let out as he jumped and turned to face Freakazoid. "Geez, don't scare me like that!" His face went blank for a moment as he realized just who he was talking to. "Waitaminute, what're you even doing?! You can't be here!"

"I heard that Fuyutsuki got kidnapped and started looking around," Freakazoid answered. "When I saw you sneaking around here, I figured you were probably looking for him too. Hey, I know! Let's team up!"

Kaji gaped at the wacky wonder, and briefly looked our way before turning back to him. "Are you kidding me?! This is a covert rescue mission, and last I checked you're the farthest thing from the word 'covert'!"

"Aw, come ooonnn," Freakazoid pleaded slightly. "I can be sneaky! Besides, the place is probably crawling with armed goons, and you might do better with some superhero backup! Major Katsuragi's probably worried about you, so all the more reason to have me around! C'mon, whaddya say?"

Kaji thought about it for a moment before realizing that the guy had a point. He reluctantly nodded his head in agreement. "All right, you can join me. BUT-and I'm emphasizing this highly-follow my lead, and act real cool. Got it?"

**Undisclosed location, minutes later...**

The door opened behind where Fuyutsuki was being held, and light flowed into the room. The sub-commander winced a bit as he turned around and looked into the doorway.

"Oh, it's you," Fuyutsuki said as he recognized the newcomer.

"Long time, no see," Kaji replied. "Don't worry, the guards are just taking a little nap." He then walked over and began to undo the former professor's bonds.

"You do realize, this will cost you your life," Fuyutsuki noted as he rubbed his wrists to restore circulation.

"I wouldn't sweat it," Kaji said. "It's not like I came alone."

At that statement, Freakazoid then appeared from the right side of the doorway. "Hiya, Mr. Fuyutsuki!"

Fuyutsuki's eyes widened a bit with surprise, as he did a double-take from Kaji to Freakazoid and back. "You brought _him_ along?"

"He insisted," Kaji grumbled quietly under his breath. "Now come on, let's get you out of here."

The trio poked their heads around a corner, looked both ways, and proceeded to tiptoe through the hallway, while for some strange reason the music of Gilbert and Sullivan began to fill the place. For some stranger reason, the three of them felt compelled to softly sing as they sneaked their way along the walls.

All three:

**_"Carefully, on tiptoe stealing,_**

**_breathing gently, as we may..._**

**_Every step with caution feeling,_**

**_we shall softly steal a-way..."_**

The trio jumped slightly upon hearing a random noise and some skittering.

**_"Goodness me-why, what was that?"_**

Fuyutsuki:

**_"Silent, be-'twas just a rat."_**

All three:

**_"It 'twas, it 'twas, a ra-a-a-at..."_**

Unknown voice:

**_"That's riiight...it 'twas a raaaat...!"_**

The trio turned to face a squad of SEELE goons behind them, that last lyric having been sung in an impressive alto by their leader.

"Oh, boy..." Kaji said, a sweat drop by his as well as Fuyutsuki's heads.

"Ah, these guys don't look so tough," Freakazoid said confidently and with a dismissive hand wave. "Can you hit as well as you sneak?"

"Course I can," Kaji said as he got into a fighting stance.

Soon the scene erupted into a brawl between Freakazoid and Kaji on one side and the goons on the others, strangely with Nelson Riddle-like music in the background (or sometimes Billy May-esque music, I get confused). For some even stranger reason, each punch or other impact that landed was punctuated by onomatopoeia superimposed in bright colors over the action. A "BIFF!" here, a "BAM!" there, a "POW!" there, and so on. Eventually, figuring that time was a-wastin', Kaji called out to Freakazoid.

"Get Fuyutsuki out of here!" the spy shouted.

"But what about you?!" Freakazoid replied as he sent another goon flying.

"I'll keep them busy, just get him back to NERV HQ, fast! Hurry!" Kaji threw back.

Freakazoid hesitated a bit, before promptly scooping up Fuyutsuki in a fireman's carry and zipping out of the facility. He then quickly got his keys out, hit the button on the tiny remote, and summoned the Freakmobile, which promptly arrived at their location. Freakazoid then secured Fuyutsuki in the passenger's seat, got behind the wheel, and zoomed off straight to NERV HQ. Once they arrived, Freakazoid brought Fuyutsuki out of the Freakmobile and immediately zipped him down into the command center.

"Ta-daaa! Back in the nick of time!" Freakazoid exclaimed. "Be sure to rate my driving, customer feedback is _very_ important to us!"

Fuyutsuki, taking a moment to catch his breath, then looked around the bridge. "Where's Major Katsuragi?"

"Sir!" a random security trooper answered. "She's being kept in a holding cell by Section-2. They suspected Inspector Kaji had a hand in your abduction, and felt that since they were close, she'd know something."

Fuyutsuki was surprised, but soon became mildly outraged. "Well, don't just stand there, have her released immediately!"

**NERV HQ cell block, minutes later...**

Misato was sitting on the bench in her cell, a magazine laying at her side, when she heard the door open. She winced a bit as her eyes adjusted to the light, and soon saw a Section-2 agent in the doorway, a box containing her sidearm and ID card in his hands. She looked up at the agent, a slight hint of confusion on her face.

"Is it over?" she asked as she stood back up.

"Yes," the agent answered. "As you can see, the problem has been resolved." He then stepped to the side, revealing the newly-returned Fuyutsuki and Freakazoid.

"Sir, are you all right?" Misato asked as she took her belongings back from the agent. "What happened?"

"It's a bit of a long story," Fuyutsuki wearily replied. "I'm sorry that you were detained because of all this. If it weren't for Kaji and Freakazoid, I wouldn't be here now."

"Speaking of," Misato started to ask, "where _is_ Kaji?"

"He stayed behind to keep the SEELE goons distracted," Freakazoid answered. "He told me to take Fuyutsuki and run."

"Kaji..." Misato said, a subtle hint of worry in her voice.

**Undisclosed facility, around the same time...**

The setting sun shone through the grate of a large industrial fan, casting ominous shadows as a lone figure stood there. Kaji knew it was a dead end, so he simply awaited what was to come. Finally, he heard footsteps, and saw a figure partly-hidden by shadow. Next to it was a small mobile holographic projector.

"Hey, you're late," Kaji said nonchalantly, a trademark sloppy grin on his face.

The figure didn't answer, instead switching the projector on. Soon, an eyepatch-wearing face appeared in the image.

"Actually, Agent Kaji," Gutierrez said, "you are just in time."

Kaji chuckled a bit. "Armando Gutierrez, I presume?" he said. "Never thought I'd be face-to-face with the holy grail of law enforcement agencies."

"It pleases me that you feel so honored," Gutierrez replied. "However, I'm afraid our time together will be quite short. You must surely be aware of the fate of those who know too much..."

"I knew that when I first got into the intelligence game," Kaji said.

"Well then, allow me to throw you for a bit of a loop," Gutierrez hinted at. "No, Kaji, I shall do far _worse. _I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her: marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet, buried-" Gutierrez paused abruptly, as he realized he was getting a bit carried away there. "Oh, pardon me-wrong script." He then turned to the figure in shadow. "Kid Carrion, you may fire when ready."

The figure then stepped out, giving Kaji quite the surprise. He resembled an undead Wild West outlaw, complete with the holstered 'shooting irons'. Kid Carrion then quickly drew one of them and fired; to Kaji's surprise, he didn't drop dead upon impact. Instead, he felt a slight prick in his neck, and when he touched it, his fingers came upon a dart embedded in his skin. As soon as he realized it, he began to feel sleepy, and soon fell unconscious.

Gutierrez gave the agent a brief look-over before turning to Kid Carrion. "Take him to the transport and have him dropped off on the island," he ordered. "I'm certain our..._associate_ wouldn't mind a new addition to his research subjects."

**A tropical island in the Pacific, later...**

The sound of seawater lapping at his feet caused Kaji to slowly awaken, as did the feel of warm sand on his face. He slowly opened his eyes and started to get up, taking stock of his surroundings. Soon enough, he realized he was on an island, and a quick scan of the horizon showed no other land masses in sight. He then heard footsteps from behind, and turned around to find himself face-to-face with three very tall, hairy simian-looking humanoids, all oddly wearing glasses. Two of them parted for their master to make his presence known. Shocking Kaji even further was the very large, ferocious-looking white-furred saber-tooth tiger right next to him.

"My, my, this _is_ a welcome sight indeed," the master said in a very hammy, very British-sounding voice. "It's been so long since I've had a potential test subject wash up on my shores, hasn't it, Sparkle?"

The saber-tooth tiger growled a bit in response.

"Akbar! Ringo! Fatima! Escort our new arrival to the bungalow," the master ordered. "He'll need to rest up...before the fun begins..."

Kaji, a look of shock still on his face, turned to face us as he then said the following, fitting thing:

"Bum-bum-BUMMMMMM!"

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Things sure aren't looking good for our intrepid agent, are they?**

**As you can see, for this more kid-friendly take on the EVA mythos, I altered the circumstances of Naoko's 'demise': it explains how Naoko could re-manifest as a digital entity, while also throwing a bone to the theory of her soul being trapped in Unit-00. As for Rei, a key part of her backstory was changed here, meaning that the Rei Ayanami you've been following in this story...has been Rei I! She never got replaced, and thus made it to her teen years!**

**Gendo having Rei repress her memory like that is a small riff on what happens to the title character in the rock opera ****_Tommy_****.**

**The song that Naoko refers to is "You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes, which was later covered by Phil Collins.**

**Kaji, when reluctantly agreeing to team up with Freakazoid, quotes Peter Griffin/Han Solo in the first ****_Family Guy/Star Wars_**** special, "Blue Harvest". Won't be the only time it's quoted...**

**Kaji, Fuyutsuki, and Freakazoid sing a slight variation on "Carefully on Tiptoe Stealing" from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta ****_The HMS Pinafore_****, much as Freakazoid and company did in my favorite episode of the series, which'll be invoked in the following chapter.**

**Kaji and Freakazoid's fight with the SEELE goons is a spoof of the fight sequences from the 1966 ****_Batman _****TV show, much as the one from the final ****_Freakazoid _****episode "Normadeus" was.**

**Much like Gutierrez did in "The Chip" Part 1, again he invokes another famous Ricardo Montalban character in Khan Noonien Singh in _Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan_.**

**And now, some fun that also involves learning!**

_Omake 10 - Useless Facts...About NERV_

The shot opened on a nice-looking billboard standing outside Tokyo-3, a butterfly flying in front of it briefly. On it was the following:

**Useful Facts**

**Yakko: "And now, it's time for..."**

All of a sudden, a large, stone-like object fell on the billboard, smashing it to pieces. Carved into the stone was:

**"Useless Facts...About NERV"**

The scene then cut to the interior of NERV HQ. Standing before us was Yakko Warner, wearing the trademark tan uniform jacket of NERV Technical Division 1.

Yakko: "The architect who designed the hallways of NERV headquarters previously designed corn mazes and carnival funhouses."

A group of NERV personnel was then seen wandering through the halls, unable to make heads or tails of what direction they're heading in, and unnerved by the occasional bank of distorting mirrors.

The scene then shifted to a break room. Misato, Maya, and Makoto were standing inside, chatting as they had cups of coffee. Just as they each took a sip...

Yakko: "The coffee provided in NERV's break room is made from flat Diet Coke and previously-used coffee grounds."

Upon hearing that, the trio's eyes widened, and they spit their 'coffee' out, disgusted by the revelation.

Yakko [looking at them]: "You ever consider switching to decaf?"

The three of them just stared at Yakko, befuddled.

The scene then cut to the EVA cages, where crews in HAZMAT suits were hard at work...removing the foot armor from Unit-01. The sound of a foghorn could be heard in the background as stink lines started appearing above the giant appendage.

Yakko [in his own HAZMAT suit]: "It takes an entire dump truck of Gold Bond foot powder to rid an Evangelion of foot odor."

At one technician's signal, one such dump truck was driven in reverse towards the right foot of Unit-01. As soon as it reached its target position, the driver then proceeded to empty the bucket's entire payload of powder onto the EVA's foot. All technicians in the area soon breathed a sigh of relief.

The scene then cut to the pilots' locker rooms, which all four pilots had just stepped out of. Yakko popped into view, blocking Toji below the waist. Toji himself was fiddling with the controls on his left cuff.

Yakko: "A plugsuit has multiple visibility settings."

Toji accidentally shifted the visibility on his plugsuit to its lowest setting, unintentionally making it completely transparent. A greatly-surprised Asuka shrieked as she covered her eyes, while Toji, embarrassed, covered his lower half with his hands. A couple of sweat drops appeared by Shinji and Rei's heads.

Yakko: "This has been..."

A title card with the stone carving from before then fell into view.

**"Useless Facts...About NERV"**


	31. Episode 30

**Episode 26 - Escape from the Island of Dr. Mystico**

**[Suggested music: a certain 1970's theme song by Jack Elliot and Allyn Ferguson.]**

The scene opened on the front entrance to NERV HQ in the Geofront, the organization's logo front-and-center.

**R.O.D.D.Y.: "Once upon a time, theere weere three luvley ladies who went to work at NERV..."**

The scene shifted to NERV HQ's firing range, with three targets hanging. The center target was then hit by three successive shots dead-center. A quick-cut revealed Misato, wearing earmuffs, as being the shooter, a determined, focused expression on her face. The scene then shifted to Ritsuko, in a gray sweatsuit, making her way through a small obstacle course. The scene then shifted again, showing Maya facing off with another person in a martial arts sparring match-one in which she successfully takes her opponent down with a Judo flip.

**R.O.D.D.Y.: "And they weere each assigned...veery hazardous duties..."**

The scene then shifted to show Misato coaching Shinji and Asuka in their synchronization training to fight the 7th Angel, followed by a bored Ritsuko doing a regular memory upload session with Rei, and then by Maya performing some coding maintenance at a computer terminal fervently. The scene shifted again, though this time it depicted Misato, Ritsuko and Maya, all in their civvies, walking away from NERV's front entrance.

**R.O.D.D.Y.: "But Ah've temporarily taken them away from all that. So fer now, they work for me. Mah name, is R.O.D.D.Y."**

A silhouette of Ritsuko holding a walkie-talkie, against a blue background, then appeared.

**Starring Ritsuko Akagi**

A montage of Ritsuko driving, running into action, and typing away feverishly then played.

A silhouette of Misato aiming her pistol, against a red background, then appeared.

**Misato Katsuragi**

It was then followed by a montage of Misato taking aim, driving recklessly, and then, for some reason, playing tennis.

A silhouette of Maya in a martial arts stance, against a purple background, then appeared.

**Maya Ibuki**

It was then followed by a montage of Maya running out of a stopped car; flipping her hair after pulling off a motorcycle helmet; and quickly catching a shot with a camera.

A silhouette of Freakazoid in profile, against a green background, then appeared.

**With Freakazoid**

A montage of Freakazoid followed, showing him, with glasses, being greeted by Maya with a hug; and picking up a wrapped gift and swiveling around to present it while sitting in an office chair in a study.

A silhouette combining those of all three women then started coming towards the screen as the background changed colors, before a flash and a background fire burst gave way to the following logo appearing in front of the silhouette:

**R.O.D.D.Y.'s**

**RINGERS**

**-X-**

To the side of a set modeled after the cargo area of a currently-flying VTOL craft, Misato, Maya and Ritsuko were all seated in director's chairs, watching the entire above-described sequence on a TV monitor, each going over the script in-hand in relation to the footage. All three were also wearing jumpsuits with scarves and black ankle-high boots. Misato wore a red jumpsuit with a dark blue scarf; Ritsuko's was a green jumpsuit with a black scarf; and Maya's was a white jumpsuit with a light green scarf.

"Remind me-what's this got to do with the story again?" Misato asked as she rubbed the back of her pen against her hair.

"Um...I think they're having us do another parody to set the tone for the chapter," Ritsuko replied as she looked over her current outfit again. "Though I'm wondering why they didn't go for the movie versions."

"You and me both," Maya said. "I mean come on, I could _totally_ be the Drew Barrymore of this spoof!"

"At least they didn't try for the short-lived TV revival version," Misato added.

"Still, begs the question, why go with the original at all?" Ritsuko pondered.

Before any of them could make a guess, a sign came on indicating it was time to do the scene. The trio of women then got up and put their scripts down and quickly jogged to their spots on the set and took up their positions. Once "ACTION!" was heard, the cockpit door of the VTOL opened and Freakazoid came out, as if he'd anticipated Ritsuko's question.

"Mainly because, while the movies had high-octane action," Freakazoid explained, "and the TV revival had a lot of flash and style, no one can deny that the old show had both, and one other thing: the ladies weren't just hot, they were _foxy_! So we wanted to replicate a bit of that feel."

"Well, I have to admit, the getup fits great," Maya commented as she gave her own outfit another look over. Both Misato and Ritsuko nodded in agreement.

"Sooo, with that bit of exposition out of the way," Freakazoid started to say, "it's briefing time!" He then turned on a TV monitor setup in the craft's cargo area, and soon R.O.D.D.Y.'s face appeared on the screen.

"Good day to ye, ladies," the digital Scotsman greeted.

Giving a brief look to the cue card holder off-set, the trio of women hesitantly greeted him back. "Uh, hiii, R.O.D.D.Y."

"Ye must be Ritsuko," R.O.D.D.Y. said as he eyed the scientist in particular. "Pleasure ta make yeur acquaintance, yeur mother's told me a lot about ye."

Both Misato and Maya looked at Ritsuko with confused looks on their faces.

"Uh, Rits, isn't your mom-?" Misato started to ask.

"It's a long story," Ritsuko said. "One that'll have to wait till we're done with...whatever it is we're here for."

"Yee're all probably wonderin' why yeur here," R.O.D.D.Y. started. "Well, the reeason's seemple-THEES is a rescue mission. Freakazoid?"

Freakazoid then unfurled a projector screen and took out a small remote as a slideshow started. "As you all know," he began to explain, "two days ago, after successfully freeing Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki from captivity, one Ryoji Kaji went missing. Our guess is that whoever kidnapped Fuyutsuki in the first place is responsible. Now, having been there at the time, I figured something fishy might happen, so when our stubbly man-of-mystery wasn't looking, I sneakily slipped a tiny tracker transmitter into the band holding his ponytail together."

Misato rolled her eyes a bit on hearing that. "_Of course_ that'd be the one place he'd never look," she said.

"Since then, I've been honin' in on the transmitter's signal and finally traced it to our current destination," R.O.D.D.Y. elaborated. The screen then shifted to a map of their current position, which was headed towards a mass as indicated by a the red directional line they were following. "Yeur mission, should ye choose to accept it, will be to make landfall on the island, find Kaji, and get him outta there lickety-split."

Freakazoid held his chin a bit as he looked at the map. "Huh, there's something familiar about those coordinates, I just can't put my finger on it..." he noted.

"Question," Misato said with a slightly-raised hand. "Why _us_, exactly?"

"Well, I've always wanted to team up with a group of butt-kicking women spies/investigators," Freakazoid explained, "but, since the others were either retired or had other studio commitments, I figured the three of you would work-Misato especially, considering you have a stake in Kaji's continued survival."

"We also chose ye for yeur specific skillsets," R.O.D.D.Y. added. "Misato fer yeur marksmanship, Ritsuko fer yeur scientific prowess, and Maya fer yeur combination of techno-savvy and ability as a black belt in Jeet Kune Do."

Hearing that caused Misato and Ritsuko to look at Maya with wide-eyed surprise. "You know martial arts?" Misato asked curiously.

"_And_ you're a black belt as well?" Ritsuko added.

Maya shrugged a bit before she answered. "I'm a single woman living in the big city, of course self-defense classes would be a must. Anyway, follow-up question..."

"And that'd be?" Freakazoid asked.

"Why's a middle-aged police officer on the mission with us?"

The camera panned out a bit to reveal Sgt. Kusagabe standing next to Freakazoid.

"Trust me, Kusagabe's a real handy guy to have around," Freakazoid answered.

"It's called experience, Miss," Kusagabe said. "Young people like you should learn to appreciate it."

At that moment, a thought came to Freakazoid. "Hey Kusagabe-if you're here, then did you remember to turn on the autopilot?"

"No," the policeman replied. "Why?"

Suddenly the craft jerked forward, causing everyone to stumble about. Freakazoid tumbled into the cockpit, where he quickly took control of the craft and brought it back up with a grunt. Everyone soon regained their footing, with Kusagabe settling into the co-pilot's seat and the three women observing from the doorway.

"_That_ was quite a jolt," Maya commented as she wiped her brow.

"So how long till we get to wherever Kaji ended up?" Misato asked.

"Well, if the instruments are correct, and with our current speed...not a _smidge_ longer," Freakazoid answered.

"I have to say," Ritsuko commented, "for your first time flying a VTOL, you're doing pretty we-" Her thought was cut off when she pointed fearfully at the windshield. "VERITECH FIGHTER!" she shouted with alarm.

Seeing the incoming aircraft, Freakazoid, with a grunt, pulled up just enough to get out of the way, while the Veritech-clearly a member of the Robotech Defense Force's Vermillion Squadron-zoomed by, its pilot shaking her fist in frustration.

"*WHEW* That was close," Ritsuko said as she caught her breath.

"Thankfully it's not my first air rodeo," Freakazoid replied. "At least hopefully I won't have to deal with any Brandos in my flight path."

"Let's hope so," Misato said before her eyes went wide with fear as she herself pointed to the windshield. "SWORDFISH II!"

Freakazoid, again with a grunt, pulled the VTOL out of the way just as the strange aircraft whizzed by.

"Sky hog!" Spike Spiegel shouted as he shook his fist.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief as Freakazoid regained his bearings.

"I'm getting _really_ tired of these close calls at 30,000 feet," Misato grumbled.

"Me too," Ritsuko said.

"Me three," Maya added, before she found herself repeating both of their prior actions. "GIGANTOR!"

For a fourth time, Freakazoid, with a grunt, pulled the craft out of the way as the aforementioned iconic giant robot did the same, waving its fist as the VTOL continued on. Freakazoid again managed to get the craft back in position; just as he did so, suddenly the sound of one of the cargo area's lockers abruptly opening was heard, followed by three ***THUDS*** and a few groans. Wondering what made the noise, Freakazoid put the VTOL on autopilot while he and the others went into the cargo area to investigate.

"Looks like ye've got some stowaways," said R.O.D.D.Y.

Sure enough, sprawled out before the group were Shinji, Asuka and Rei, all three of whom were starting to get up. When they looked up, they found themselves face-to-face with a group of concerned adults.

"Heh-heh..." Shinji uttered sheepishly.

"Start talking. NOW." Misato sternly commanded.

**-X-**

**A television studio in Chicago, Illinois, a day or so earlier...**

The shot opened on the dungeon/'mad scientist's lab' set of _Svengoolie_, with the title host's trademark upright coffin front-and-center. Given the movie that was going to be shown, various vampire figures, plushies and other knick-knacks decorated the set. The top part of the coffin opened up to reveal Svengoolie himself, complete with his top hat, mini-rubber chicken necklace, and tux.

"Nice night for a funky chiller, huh folks?" Svengoolie asked. "Well, slip on your platform shoes and grab your wooden stakes, 'cause tonight we're showing a new, high-quality print of a 1973 sequel you wouldn't have expected, _Scream Blacula Scream_! Many of you loyal _Svengoolie_ viewers have been clamoring for us to show this particular movie for a long time, and we delivered! And to make this even more exciting, we've got a special guest co-host tonight, in the form of one of the movie's stars and a film legend in her own right. So give a big round of applause for the queen of blaxploitation cinema herself, the lovely and wonderful, Ms. Pam Grier!"

The camera then panned out to reveal Pam Grier herself, seated in a classic-looking easy chair, as she waved to the applauding audience.

"Certainly a pleasure to be here, Sven," Pam said as she looked at the horror host.

"And it's really an honor to have someone with a long and storied career like yours on our show," Sven commented. "I mean you've been in the business since 1967. That's more movies you've been in than I can _Count_!"

A ***rimshot*** sounded, followed by canned audience groans at the bad pun.

"Eh, can't win 'em all," Svengoolie said. "Since you're the guest, would you like to give our viewers a brief primer on the movie?"

"I'd be delighted to," Pam replied as she turned to the camera as a brief montage of film footage began to play. "So, just when you thought Prince Mamuwalde was out of action by the end of the original _Blacula_, the jealous son of a voodoo priestess-after being passed over as her successor by an adoptive daughter, played by yours truly-buys Mamuwalde's bones from another shaman and casts a spell bringing the bloodsucker back to life. Unfortunately for him, it's a plan that _literally_ comes back to bite him, and soon the undead prince is up and at 'em again! His nightly antics draw the attention of-"

The sudden sound of an animalistic growl was suddenly heard, cutting off Pam's train of thought.

"What in the world-?" she asked as she looked at Svengoolie, confused.

"Don't look at me, the dog's at the kennel today," Sven replied with a shrug.

Soon enough, their curiosity was answered when two large, hairy ape-like humanoids wearing glasses appeared and grabbed them. The one on the left pulled Sven right out of his coffin while the one on the right held a struggling Pam in a fireman's carry.

"Quick!" Sven cried. "Someone call the police! Call the marines!"

"Call Jane Goodall!" Pam added as the two of them were carried off by the ape-beings.

A quick camera shot then cut to Kerwyn, the show's resident 'prehistoric' rubber chicken puppet.

"...Well, I certainly didn't see that one coming," Kerwyn commented. "Think someone leaked that we were gonna show _Bride of the Gorilla_ next week? Anyway, right now we'll cut to commercial, but before we do, hit the theme for us, Chas."

Soon the theme music (Stan Freberg's "Wun'erful, Wun'erful") for the show's fan mail/photos segment started playing:

**_Thank you, for all those cards and letters..._**

A photo of a couple of tourists then appeared in a spooky digital background while Kerwyn described the picture in question.

"Here's our friends Brett and Kim, wearing their Sven t-shirts while visiting Osaka Castle, famously demolished in 1955's _Godzilla Raids Again_."

**-X-**

The three pilots stood as they addressed Freakazoid, Kusagabe, and the others, with Asuka speaking for them first.

"Look, Kaji might not be my crush anymore," Asuka started, "but I still care about him enough that of course I'll want in on any rescue mission. And we're already nearly there, so it's too late to send us back anyway."

The adults then turned to Shinji. "I-I was worried for Asuka, and I'm not running away from helping her stay out of trouble," Shinji offered up as he took her hand. "I love her too much for that."

The adults then looked at Rei. "I will go where Freakazoid goes," the First Child stated matter-of-factly. "I will not miss any opportunity to spend time with my sweet babboo."

Hearing that made everyone's (well, save for Kusagabe's) jaws drop, as they'd never heard the First Child even use a term of endearment like that.

_Did she just quote, of all Peanuts characters, Sally?!_ Ritsuko wondered to herself.

"*SIGH* All right, look, just at least _promise_ you'll stay with the craft when we land?" Misato asked, her fingers holding the bridge of her nose.

"We promise," the pilots said in unison.

**The island, around the same time...**

From his observation room, a figure tracked the progress of the incoming VTOL craft.

"Well, well, it appears we'll be having company soon, eh, Sparkle?" the figure asked his feline companion.

Said feline offered a low growl in response.

"Judging by the make of the craft, it appears my usual methods won't work this time. Looks like we'll have to go with a less subtle approach..."

The figure then pressed a button in front of him, which opened a hatch somewhere in the vicinity of his compound. A large cannon rose out of the opening in the ground and extended, and when it reached its stopping point, two robotic arms emerged from the barrel. One arm held a slingshot, while the other held a simple rock. The arm holding the rock placed it in the slingshot and proceeded to stretch it back far. When it was at an acceptable distance, the hand let go and the slingshot launched the rock skyward. The rock's altitude increased until finally, it hit its target: the VTOL's right engine.

Suddenly, the occupants of the craft felt it jerk around as a 'fasten seatbelt' sign started flashing.

"Oh, FUDGE-everyone in your seats, fast!" Freakazoid called out. Sure enough, the three women and the pilots all found open seats and quickly buckled in tight, while Freakazoid and Kusagabe strapped themselves in the cockpit's seats as the wacky wonder tried to regain control of the craft.

"All passengers, prepayre fer crash landing!" R.O.D.D.Y. warned.

Freakazoid soon managed to get the craft into a controlled descent as it got closer and closer to the island, until finally, they hit the sand and skidded to a stop. After a few minutes, the back door to the craft opened and everyone filed out to take a look at the state of their transportation.

"Well, Doc, how's it look?" Freakazoid asked Ritsuko.

"What it looks like is that it'll take some time to get this thing flying again," Ritsuko replied. "Bear in mind, I'm _not_ an aircraft mechanic."

Freakazoid then walked over to the right engine and noticed something lodged in there. He reached in and felt around until he found something and pulled out the rock that was the source of their current predicament.

"Looks like I found the culprit," Freakazoid said as he showed the rock to everyone before tossing it aside. He then looked around at the island they were on. "Now I know there's something familiar about this place, 'cause it feels like I wound up on it the same way."

At that moment, a mobile monitor unit wheeled out of the craft, with R.O.D.D.Y.'s face on the screen. "One thing's fer sure, thees is definitely the spot where Kaji's been taken." A robotic arm then handed Freakazoid a handheld tracker currently blinking as it focused on the beacon Kaji had on him.

"All right then, here's the plan," Freakazoid started. "Kusagabe, Misato, Ritsuko, and Maya, you'll go with me into the jungle to find Kaji. Rei, Shinji, Asuka, the three of you will stay here while R.O.D.D.Y. fixes the VTOL until we get back."

"Wait, how's he going to fix it?" Maya asked.

"With the help of a contingency I brought along," the cyber-Scotsman replied. He then signaled a hatch in the cargo area to open up, and soon a group of small, dome-shaped robots began hovering out. Ritsuko recognized their design immediately.

"Aren't those the polysomes from the testing lab?" the scientist asked.

"Not quite," R.O.D.D.Y. answered, "theey're based on the schematics of th' polysomes, but built for dry land and more conventional vehicle reepair jobs."

Soon the robots went to work as they started focusing on the damaged areas of the craft. While that was going on, Freakazoid and the other adults started making their way towards the jungle. "Remember folks," Freakazoid instructed as they reached the jungle's edge, "the Buddy System is your best friend here!"

Before Misato joined them in the greenery, she turned around to face the pilots with a sternly-pointing finger.

"I mean it, guys-STAY HERE," the NERV Ops director ordered as she pointed to the spot where they were standing, before turning to join the rest of the rescue party. A few minutes after the adults had gone into the jungle, the three pilots looked at each other. Shinji was beginning to see the stirrings of a plan.

"You're not planning on staying here, are you?" he asked.

"Nope," Asuka replied nonchalantly. "C'mon, _Wundergirl_." With that, the two of them headed into the jungle, with Shinji reluctantly following behind them.

R.O.D.D.Y. was supervising the robots when he noticed the sudden lack of human presence. He looked around, baffled as to where the pilots were.

"Kids? Kids?!" he called out. It didn't take long for him to realize that they'd followed Freakazoid and co. into the jungle. Unfortunately, he couldn't follow them, due to the configuration of his mobile unit being ill-suited for jungle terrain. At that, he frustratingly shouted one word to the heavens:

"CRRRRUUUUUUUDDD!"

**The jungle interior, moments later...**

The adults were making their way through the greenery carefully, with Misato clearing a path with a machete at the head of the line, followed by Freakazoid, then Kusagabe, Ritsuko, and Maya. Maya noticed something out of the corner of her eye, but before she could say anything, she was snatched from her spot in line by a large figure swinging on a vine. Ritsuko heard a bit of her muffled cry of surprise, causing her to turn around.

"Maya?!" the scientist called out, only to get no response. Before she herself could turn back around to alert the others, she too was snatched up by a swinging figure. Hearing the rustling, Freakazoid, Misato and Kusagabe turned around to find two of their number missing. They then looked up and barely saw the large, swinging figures heading out of the jungle, in the same direction they themselves were moving towards. The trio started running to try and catch up with them, until they finally made it out of the jungle...Only to wind up surrounded by a group of hairy, bespectacled ape-like humanoids, two of which already had Ritsuko and Maya in their clutches. The shock of realization then hit Freakazoid as he recognized the creatures, evidenced by the slap upside the head he gave himself.

"Orangu-men!" he said with surprise. "Now I remember! We're on the island of-!"

"Doctor Mystico," a new voice finished in a hammy, British-sounding accent. "It's been quite some time, Freakazoid, so _delighted_ to see you again."

The captive group then turned to see the arrival of the orangu-men's creator and master as he stepped forward, a large, white-furred saber-tooth tiger at his side. Save for Kusagabe, the jaws of the others dropped when they took in the sight of the man.

Dr. Mystico looked quite different than when Freakazoid had seen him last. And why wouldn't he, considering he looked like he'd finally gotten to the point where he'd turned himself into an orangu-man, evidenced by his increased size (which necessitated a larger-fitting version of his trademark blue suit with red tie)? Some things about him were still the same, like his 'mad doctor'-type goatee and the crazed look in his eyes.

"Wait, _Mystico_?" Ritsuko curiously asked. "As in Doctor _Wendell_ Mystico?"

"You've heard of him?" Misato asked her friend.

"At one time, he was considered one of the world's most brilliant bio-geneticists," Ritsuko explained. "But when his highly unethical experiments were uncovered, he was barred from every single university, college, and institute of higher learning and went underground. Nobody knew where he'd fled..."

"Until I stumbled onto his island years ago," Freakazoid chimed in. "He nearly turned me and some others into orangu-men."

"Quite true," Dr. Mystico. "Though a while ago, I realized that if I were to effectively lead an army of my creations, they would have to take direction from one of their own. Thus, the only sensible option was to utilize my process on myself." He then flexed his sleeve-clad muscles to demonstrate. "And the results were even better than I expected! Enhanced strength and reflexes, increased dexterity, more physical power than any human on the planet!"

"Uh, what's with the saber-tooth tiger, if you don't mind me asking?" Maya posed.

"Believe it or not, I have a feeling that used to be a housecat," Freakazoid said.

"A simple byproduct of my research," Dr. Mystico. "I at one point discovered a means of de-evolution that could be applied to various organisms, with the added bonus of restoring the subject to a more powerful, more primal form. Sparkle here took to it quite nicely, don't you think?"

Freakazoid and co. looked uneasily at Sparkle, who uttered a low snarl at them.

"Much as I like the idea of playing 'catch-up', I'm afraid we'll have to dispense with pleasantries," Dr. Mystico started to say as he addressed his orangu-men. "Take them to the laboratory!" He then looked at his captives with a sinister, toothy grin. "In a little while, it'll be time...to play!" With that, he led the captive group into the compound. Unknown to all, the three pilots had witnessed the whole exchange from their hiding spot in some jungle undergrowth.

"Holy _schnike_, this is gonna be tougher than I thought," Asuka commented.

"What're we gonna do?" Shinji worriedly asked. "There's no way we can free the others if we have to deal with those creatures!"

"I believe I have an idea," Rei proposed.

"Whaddya have in mind?" Asuka asked.

Rei then pointed to a certain spot on an outer wall of the compound. Shinji and Asuka directed their gazes to where she'd indicated, coming upon a grated vent.

"It would appear that even bespectacled ape-men need air conditioning," the bluenette stated.

"Oh, I get it-like how we got into HQ when that blackout happened," Shinji realized.

"Well, what're we waiting for then?" Asuka asked as she sneaked over to the vent. "Hurry up and give me a hand opening this so we can make like John McClane!"

**The laboratory/dungeon area of the compound, moments later...**

The door closed on the cell in which Freakazoid and co. had been placed, which didn't inspire confidence in the newly-captured group.

"Hey there, folks-what're you in for?" a voice from within the cell sarcastically asked.

All turned to face the source of the voice, and Misato's face lit up when she recognized him. "KAJI!" she cried as she caught him in a relief-laden bear hug.

"Glad you finally made it," the unshaven spy replied as his girlfriend relaxed her grip. "Nice outfit, by the way. You too, Rits, Ibuki."

Misato and the other two women blushed a bit on hearing that, before she got serious. "Do you have ANY idea how worried sick I've been?!" she asked him.

"Sorry, but I couldn't exactly send a postcard, given the lack of souvenir shops on this piece of paradise," Kaji nonchalantly answered.

"Ah, reunited and it feels so good," Dr. Mystico cheekily said as the prisoners turned to face him. "I do apologize for not showing any further hospitality, but the old bait-and-switch with the casserole and drugged drinks I've found to be a bit cliche."

"What're you going to do to us?" Maya asked.

"Trust me, you're not gonna like the answer," Freakazoid muttered under his breath to warn her.

"Indeed, you will not," Dr. Mystico said. "By the way, I neglected to mention before, but it's orangu-_people_, given how I've broadened the type of subjects to undergo my process. Either way, the goal remains the same: using the likes of you and the others, nothing will stop me! With my super-powerful army of orangu-people, I will finally take over Cleveland!"

While the NERV staff just stared at Dr. Mystico, dumbfounded, Freakazoid shook his head. Kusagabe just looked on, the neutral look never leaving his face.

"Uh, don't you mean take over the world, or something?" Kaji asked, scratching his head in confusion.

Hearing that gave Dr. Mystico pause. "Er, yes, I did in fact mean the world," he said with a hint of sheepishness. "Did I say Cleveland again? Oh, I really MUST do something about that..."

The NERV staffers merely looked at each other, still dumbfounded. Misato then non-verbally signaled to the others that 'this guy's crazy!', by twirling a finger around the side of her head while crossing her eyes. The others merely arched their eyebrows, as if to say "Gee, ya THINK?".

"Now then...which of you would like to be the first volunteer?" Dr. Mystico offered.

Before anyone said anything, Sparkle let out a very low growl, bringing Dr. Mystico's attention to him.

"...Really, _now_? Didn't you just do that a few hours ago?" Dr. Mystico asked with a slight hint of exasperation as he turned back to face his captives. "You'll have to excuse me for the moment. I'm afraid that despite the benefits of de-evolutionary-based enhancements, some things never change." He then began to head out of the dungeon, Sparkle and the orangu-people in tow. "I'll be back for you once I've taken Sparkle to go tinkie." With that, the door closed as soon as the captors exited.

Freakazoid and the others mulled over their present situation, trying to figure out ways to escape.

"Kaji, given your particular profession, don't you carry any lockpicks with you or something?" Ritsuko asked.

"Unfortunately, I left them in my other pants," Kaji answered with a shrug.

Freakazoid then tried bending the bars on the cell door, to no avail. "Ah, nutbunnies-molecular bamboo, just like last time," he said as he turned to the others. "I know! Hey, do any of you know who the production assistant on your show is? I'd call mine, but last I checked, Greg's really risen through the ranks over the years, and now he's a big-time producer for the CW network."

The NERV staffers just stared at Freakazoid confusedly. "Um, _what_ production assistant?" Misato asked.

"Never mind," Freakazoid replied.

Suddenly, the group heard a sound coming from the ventilation shafts up above, almost like someone-three someones-were crawling through them. Soon, it stopped at a grate just above the lab; the grate fell off with a sudden push, and two figures fell out on top of each other, revealed to be Shinji and Asuka. Rei followed, landing quite gracefully beside them on her feet.

"Hmm, deja vu," Ritsuko noted, recalling the similar entrance they made during the attack of the 9th Angel.

"What're you guys doing here?!" Misato asked with a hint of frustration. "I specifically ordered you to stay at the VTOL!"

"And look where that got you," Asuka replied sarcastically. "We're here now, so do you wanna be let out or not?"

Shinji started looking around for either a key or a card that would open the door, only to come upon a folded note.

"Huh, what's this?" he asked as he opened it up. He then read aloud the following, which was narrated by the voice of Dr. Mystico from out of nowhere:

**Dear Captives,**

**To prevent even the remote possibility of you finding any avenue of escape, I have taken to carrying with me any and all cell door keys. I'm afraid you'll be sticking around after all. Don't get comfortable, though!**

**Sincerely, Doctor Mystico.**

"Looks like he was nice enough to leave a note," Ritsuko said with a roll of her eyes.

"Well then, looks like I've gotta step up yet again," Asuka said as she undid her right A-10 clip.

"What're you doing?" Kaji asked.

"Employing a gimmick seldom-used these days," Asuka replied as she stuck the clip part into the lock. "'Hair clip lockpick'." She then began fiddling with the lock using the improvised tool, until finally she got it, and the door opened, allowing Freakazoid and the others to step out.

"Hey! You mind letting us out of here, too?" an unknown voice asked from the cell next door. "We _really_ don't wanna be turned into orangu-people!"

Asuka and the others looked at one another, slightly confused, before she walked over and worked the same magic on the adjoining cell door's lock. Once done, the door opened and the three occupants of the cell walked out, surprising the others. One of the two men was in his late 30's or early 40's and wore jeans, a white t-shirt, a black blazer with rolled-up sleeves, a loose red necktie, a black cap, and glasses; the other man appeared to be in his mid-to-late 60's and wore a tux, a red dress shirt, a necklace with a small rubber chicken hanging from it, and a top hat. The third person was an African-American woman in her mid-60's, and looked good for her age.

"This has got to be the worst version of _Island of Dr. Moreau_ I've ever seen," the bespectacled man commented as he shook his head, "and I mean even worse than the Val Kilmer version."

Maya recognized him immediately. "*SQUEEEE* Oh wow, you're the Nostalgia Critic!" she gushed. "I've been a fan of yours since freshman year at Tokyo U.!"

"Really?" the Critic replied. "Well, thanks! Nice to know I'm apparently big in Japan."

"Oh you definitely are," Maya said as she nodded her head. "I've seen every one of your videos, your review of _Ferngully_ had me rolling over laughing."

Misato then took notice of the older gentleman with the spooky make-up. Recognition dawned on her immediately.

"You-you're Svengoolie!" she said excitedly.

"How do you-?" Shinji started to ask.

"When I was in the service, I got stationed in America at one point," Misato explained. "One of the guys in my platoon introduced me to his show, it's hilarious! I've been hooked ever since."

"Always a pleasure to meet a fan," Svengoolie said in turn as he shook Misato's hand. "Though I wish the circumstances could've been better. I knew I should've paid attention to my horoscope yesterday-it said 'Today is a 4: Try not to get involved in any _monkey business_'!"

On saying that, to the surprise of everyone else, some canned groaning sounded off and the horror host found himself rained on by rubber chickens that appeared out of nowhere. Rei picked up one and gave it a squeeze, somewhat fascinated by the funny noise it made.

At that point, Ritsuko and Misato then looked at the woman of the trio: on recognizing her, their eyes widened and their mouths went agape. Kaji recognized that look immediately as hero-worship.

"AAAAA-OMIGOSH, you're Pam Grier!" both women shouted with excitement. To the surprise of the others, the two former college roommates started prostrating themselves before the actress. "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!..."

"Easy, ladies, easy, you're worthy," Pam said reassuringly.

"What's with them?" a confused Asuka asked Kaji.

"In our college days," Kaji explained, "the two of them bonded over TV showings of her movies. Watching her filmography got them through many a finals week."

"Sorry about that," Misato said as she shook Pam's hand. "_Jackie Brown_ is one of my absolute favorites, I just never thought I'd actually meet you!"

At this point, Freakazoid cleared their throat. "Hate to interrupt the fangirling," the wacky wonder started to say, "but I think it might be a good idea to get out of here, don't you?"

The others nodded in agreement. Before they left the lab, Ritsuko quickly started mixing some chemicals together and filled up some test tubes.

"What're you doing?" Misato asked.

"Making something to give us some quicker escape options," Ritsuko said as she slipped the last test tube onto a bandolier. Once the group reconvened, they followed behind Freakazoid to the door. Freakazoid opened it up and peered around it, looking both ways to note that the hallway was empty for the moment. He then turned to address the group of people behind him.

"Okay folks, follow _my_ lead," he instructed, eyeing Kaji in particular, who rolled his eyes in response, "and act _real_ cool."

The others nodded back, and most of them, along with Freakazoid, each took out a pair of dark Ray Bans sunglasses and slipped them on. The only exceptions were Kusagabe, who took out his standard police-issue Aviator sunglasses; and the Nostalgia Critic, who pressed a tiny button on his glasses frames that darkened the tint of his lenses.

**[Suggested music: the first 20 seconds of "Minnie the Moocher" by Cab Calloway, from the soundtrack to ****_The Blues Brothers_****.]**

The fairly-large group then began carefully sneak-walking their way through the hall, taking care to make sure any orangu-people guards they came upon didn't notice them. Eventually, they reached the front doors of the compound. Freakazoid and Kaji carefully, quietly opened the doors, and the rest filed outside. Freakazoid and Kaji came out last and just-as-quietly closed the door. Both breathed a sigh of relief and wiped the sweat from their brows as they turned around...only to join the others with astonished looks on their faces as they noticed Dr. Mystico, Sparkle, and the orangu-people standing a few feet in front of them.

"Hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi," Dr. Mystico greeted. He then pointed at the group. "Get them!"

The orangu-people roared and beat their chests before running towards the group. Ritsuko, at that moment, sprang into action.

"Get ready to run!" she instructed as she quickly threw one of the test tubes from her bandolier to the ground. When it shattered upon impact, the area was covered in a smokescreen. When it dissipated, Dr. Mystico and the orangu-people turned to see the group had gotten ahead of them and was entering the jungle.

"Don't just stand there!" the mad genius ordered. "After them!" Soon he and his creations joined in the chase as Freakazoid and co. made their way through the dense greenery.

Ritsuko took another test tube from her bandolier and threw it on the ground behind the group; this time an orange, viscous-looking substance emerged. Two of the orangu-people stepped into it...and found themselves unable to move further, realizing too late it was some kind of fast-acting adhesive. Another tube thrown by Ritsuko froze part of the jungle floor, causing another two orangu-people to slip and fall. Misato stopped any pursuers in their tracks with some well-aimed shots from her tranq-dart pistol. Any orangu-people that tried to grab Maya were repelled with some of the techniques she knew as a Jeet Kune Do expert; she was joined in her demonstration of the fighting arts by a surprisingly-agile Pam Grier. The spryness of the actress wasn't lost on the NERV computer tech.

"Nice moves," Maya commented as she tossed an orangu-opponent over her shoulder with ease.

"Thanks," Pam replied as she delivered a karate chop that just _had _to hurt on another one. "Jim Kelly said the same thing."

Finally, the group managed to reach the edge of the jungle that opened onto the beach, where R.O.D.D.Y. and the robots had just finished repairing the VTOL. The digital Scotsman, hearing the approaching commotion, turned around to see them coming.

"There ye are!" he said. "What's been takin' ye so long?! The bird's just about patched up and ready to go!"

"Good timing!" Freakazoid shouted as he and the rest got closer. He turned around to see that Dr. Mystico, Sparkle, and a couple of orangu-people had nearly caught up to them. "Dr. Akagi-!"

"Already on it!" the scientist responded as she tossed one last tube, which shattered at the feet of the simian-like (and one saber-toothed feline) pursuers. A purple gas emerged and was inhaled by Dr. Mystico and his creations, slowing their movements until they all collapsed into a blissful-looking slumber.

Wasting no time, Freakazoid and company filed into the VTOL. Freakazoid and Kusagabe immediately got into the pilots' seats and started the craft up; after a minute, they were airborne and heading away from the island of Dr. Mystico as fast as they could.

**Halfway towards Tokyo-3 airspace, minutes later...**

Most of the group were resting or chatting, trying to relax after the ordeal they'd all been through. (Strangely, Rei had hung onto the rubber chicken she'd picked up.) Kaji, on the other hand, hung up the satellite phone he'd been speaking into for the past few minutes. He then turned to Freakazoid, Kusagabe, Misato, and R.O.D.D.Y.

"Just got off the horn with the U.N. Pacific Fleet," the spy explained. "Turns out they happened to actually be near the area where the island is, so I gave them the coordinates. They'll pick up and detain Dr. Mystico in a short while. I instructed them to be prepared with tranquilizers, just in case."

"Good call," Freakazoid commented.

"And on that note," Kaji said as he held out his hand, which the wacky wonder shook. "Thanks again for coming after me."

"Ah, no big," Freakazoid said in turn.

"And thanks for letting us in on this rescue op," Misato added as she turned to Kaji. "Once we drop the Americans off at the embassy in Tokyo-2, and after we've rested a bit, I think we all should compare notes."

"Definitely," Kaji replied.

"I'll bring the KFC," Kusagabe added.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Ah, it feels so good to have this chapter up, considering it may be my most ambitious yet.**

**The majority of the chapter is a shout-out to my favorite ****_Freakazoid _****episode, season two's "Island of Dr. Mystico". Dr. Mystico himself happens to be my favorite one-shot Freakazoid villain, due mainly to the hilarious performance given by Tim Curry.**

**The opening of the chapter follows the lead of the 'My Mother the Computer' joke from two chapters ago, in that it was inspired by the spoof of the intro to ****_Quantum Leap_**** from the ****_Freakazoid _****segment "Freakazoid is History!". Here though, if you haven't already guessed, I've parodied the intro to the original 70's ****_Charlie's Angels_**** TV show. Extending the joke beyond that, the outfits Misato, Ritsuko, and Maya wear are based on those worn by the MEGO action figures from the same time period. (Which, to the best of my knowledge, none of the Angels ever wore in the show proper.)**

**The briefing is a nod to the season two ****_Freakazoid _****episode "Mission: Freakazoid", which parodied the original ****_Mission: Impossible_**** TV series.**

**Maya's line about self-defense classes is based on one said by Mary-Jane in an early episode of the 1994 _Spider-Man_ animated series.**

**Kusagabe's quote about experience is based on Kup's from 1986's ****_Transformers: The Movie_****, which turned 34 years old just yesterday.**

**Maya's 'jolt' line follows the lead of the original Dr. Mystico episode, where Steff's line was meant to riff on Ed Wood's ****_Plan 9 from Outer Space_**** (complete with the briefly-visible boom mic). From there, another gag from the episode is lifted where Freakazoid has to move the aircraft out of the way of others passing by. In this case, we get cameos from other notable anime franchises: a Veritech from ****_Robotech_****, Spike Spiegel and his personal ride from ****_Cowboy Bebop_****, and the title robot from ****_Gigantor_****.**

**Unlike the original episode, instead of Leonard Maltin and Henry Kissinger, Dr. Mystico's celebrity abductees are the Nostalgia Critic (as depicted two chapters prior), Svengoolie, and Pam Grier! Svengoolie (real name Rich Koz) is a comedic horror host whose show currently airs on the retro channel MeTV every weekend, with a mail segment co-hosted by Kerwyn the rubber chicken puppet; a recurring gag involves Sven being pelted by rubber chickens (supplied by the great American novelty shop known as Archie McPhee) whenever a bad joke gets delivered. (Also helping was how Sven tends to use a lot of sound bytes from various Warner Brothers or Hanna-Barbera cartoons, including _Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Looney Tunes, Scooby-Doo_, and _The Flintstones_.) Pam Grier, of course, is a film legend, known for her turns in movies such as ****_Foxy Brown, Coffy, _****and Quentin Tarantino's ****_Jackie Brown_****. (Comic book fans will also know her for being the first actress to portray Amanda Waller in live-action, in the later seasons of ****_Smallville_****.)**

**Jane Goodall is an anthropologist and primatologist widely known for her extensive research and conservation efforts.**

**Rei's air conditioning observation riffs on a line from 1987's _G.I. Joe: The Movie_, when Lt. Falcon, Sgt. Slaughter and his Renegades infiltrate Cobra Island.**

**When Asuka and the others make for the vent to sneak in, she name-drops Bruce Willis's iconic character from the original ****_Die Hard._**

**Freakazoid refers to the production assistant who helped him, Cosgrove, and some of his villains (plus Maltin and Kissinger) escape. He was based on the show's real-life production assistant, Greg L. Shepherd, though here Freakazoid confuses him for Greg Berlanti.**

**Misato and Ritsuko prostrating themselves before Pam Grier, like Asuka and Hikari did with Barbara Streisand, again invokes ****_Wayne's World _****and its sequel.**

**Freakazoid and co. sneak out this time in a riff on a similar sneaking sequence from ****_The Blues Brothers_****, preceded by a line from the ****_Family Guy/Star Wars _****mash-up special "Blue Harvest" (which also parodied that scene).**

**Once again, I crafted a small art piece, this time to accompany this chapter. On DeviantArt, search for "NERV Freaks Out: 'R.O.D.D.Y.'s Ringers'". (I also whipped one up of Rei with her souvenir.)**

**All right, enough of my yappin', time for some short fun!**

_Omake 11 - Yet Another Joke Lifted from _The Critic

Most of the group was resting as the VTOL craft made the last leg of its journey back to the mainland. Everybody was present in the cargo area, either asleep or quietly chatting. Misato and Kaji then noticed something, prompting them to get Freakazoid's attention.

"Hey, Freakazoid?" Kaji said.

"Yeah?" Freakazoid replied.

"If you're here, and Sgt. Kusagabe's here, and R.O.D.D.Y.'s maintaining the other systems-who's flying the VTOL?" Misato asked curiously.

"Don't worry about it," Freakazoid said dismissively.

Slightly suspicious, Misato got up and walked over to the cockpit door and opened it. To her great surprise, sitting at the controls was Pen-Pen, who briefly looked up at her and gave a quick salute. Misato blinked, then did a double-take from Freakazoid to Pen-Pen and back, then shook her head before addressing Freakazoid.

"You do realize that penguins _can't_ fly, right?" Misato warily asked the wacky wonder.

Freakazoid, on hearing that, got a blank look on his face. The next two words to come out of his mouth?

"Uh-oh."


	32. Episode 31

**Episode 27 - B-b-b-bird-bird-bird, Bird is the Word!**

_Asuka?_

"Hm?"

_Are you all right, liebchen?_ Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu asked, her voice echoing from the core of Unit-02.

Asuka smiled a tiny bit. Since learning of her mother's survival, she'd been using every chance she got during a sync test to quietly catch up with her on her life up till now. Today, coming a couple of weeks or so after she and the others brought Kaji back from the island of Dr. Mystico, was no different.

"I'm fine, mama," the redhead finally replied mentally. "Just thinking."

_Oh? About...?_ Kyoko asked.

"A conversation I had with Kaji," Asuka answered, "the night before we met Shinji and the others on the Over the Rainbow." She paused for a moment before continuing on. "I was telling him how boring it was going to be without having him around for a while. Then he told me not to worry, that I'd probably make lots of new boyfriends when I got here. Heh-I scoffed at that. Said I wasn't interested in 'stupid brats', that he was the only one I'd love." Her smile widened a bit when she thought of Shinji, sitting in the adjacent test plug at this time. "Guess I was wrong on both counts. Since I got here, things have been far from boring, and well...I think I found more than just a boyfriend..."

Kyoko 'nodded' in agreement. _Based on what you've told me before, Shinji's definitely a keeper, in my humble opinion,_ she stated.

"Something else Kaji said that night also stuck with me," Asuka said, her face starting to redden a bit. "It was after I kinda...came on to him a bit. I told him I was ready for it all, that I'd be a great girlfriend to him. He just reminded me that I was still a child, that I can wait for that stuff. His way of letting me down gently, now that I've thought about it. And thinking about it even more, I have to say...he was definitely right. I think I kind of took him for granted-same with Misato before him. Those two are probably the best big brother and sister I could've asked for. I just wish I could've shown how much I appreciated them in a better way than I did."

_You know, Asuka,_ Kyoko began, _that was a very mature thing to say. Knowing you, it mustn't have been easy to admit._

"Yeah, well," Asuka started, "I guess some of Shinji's humility is rubbing off on me a little. (_Among other things..._)"

_What was that?_ Kyoko asked, 'arching' her eyebrow.

"_Nichts, mutter!_" Asuka quickly replied. "I said nothink, I said nothink..."

"Can you hear me, Asuka?" Ritsuko's voice asked over the PA. "Your sync rate's really gone up a ways-whatever it is you're doing, keep it up!"

"Trust me, I'm doing it!" Asuka responded in the real world.

"It's uncanny, sempai," Maya commented as she looked over the data in real-time. "Hers and Shinji's sync rates have been really climbing lately. They're hovering in the mid-80s as of last week."

"I know what you mean," Ritsuko responded. "I just wish I knew what exactly it was they were doing. It's like they decided to run with 'think happy thoughts' and it paid off. I wonder if Rei would benefit from the same thing..."

Speaking of the First Child, within her own test plug, Rei was doing just that, unbeknownst to anyone. Before the arrival of Freakazoid, Rei never dreamed. Since she developed her crush, Rei had been slowly learning to navigate her nascent dreamscape. The meditative state she entered whenever sync-testing helped in this regard. And right now, the subject of her dream was again the wacky wonder...as he, dressed like a gondolier (minus a shirt) rowed her along in a Venetian canal on a moonlit night, singing in mezzo soprano as she mooned over him with a wide smile on her face.

**Outside the Geofront...**

Kaji and Misato had convened at the former's little cabin and watermelon patch. This time, however, a new addition had been made to their clandestine meeting, in the form of Makoto, who Misato had quietly brought into their little fold.

"They're really doing it?" Misato asked. "They're really building Units 6 through 13?"

"That's what I've heard," the bespectacled lieutenant replied.

"And in seven different locations around the world..." Kaji mused. "Must be quite the source you've got in NERV Shanghai. Can they be trusted?" He then filled Makoto's cup with some of the watermelon cooler he'd made.

"Definitely," Makoto confirmed. "We've been in the same guild on _League of Legends_ for years, he's good." Makoto then took a sip of his drink. "*Aaaah* Man, this stuff's refreshing."

"So based on what you learned, begs the question-why rush mass production at this stage?" Misato asked.

"Reinforcements, maybe?" Makoto guessed. "The Angels have been getting more powerful with each encounter, seems like they'd want to make sure we've got plenty of firepower to compensate."

"A lot of money must be changing hands then..." Kaji said.

"Come to think of it, our budget's doubled since the 12th Angel," Makoto added further. "Think the higher-ups are desperate?"

"Doesn't seem likely," Kaji said. "Then again, the Committee's been acting differently ever since the coup in their inner circle."

"What do you mean by that?" Misato asked.

"I learned something from Commander Ikari a few days before the Fuyutsuki kidnapping incident," Kaji explained. "Apparently Lorenz Kihl, the German representative of the Committee and its overall head honcho, was forcibly removed from his position by an unexpected newcomer. No one knows where Kihl's been ever since."

"So who replaced him?" Makoto asked.

"Armando Gutierrez," Kaji answered.

"No way," Makoto said.

"You've heard of him?" Misato asked, surprised by the tech's reaction.

"What computer nerd hasn't?" Makoto replied. "Back in the 90's, Gutierrez was the head of Apex Microchips, one of the biggest computer parts manufacturers in America. Their Pinnacle chip was going to revolutionize computing, but it wound up going unreleased after Gutierrez's criminal ambitions involving the chip were discovered, and he wound up thwarted by Freakazoid and arrested. While he was behind bars, he went full-on supervillain and broke out, and then went toe-to-toe with Freakazoid in the years that followed. Last anybody'd heard, he'd vanished off the face of the Earth before the new millennium hit."

"And now he's back, and in charge of a major U.N. body," Misato noted grimly. "Who knows what he's planning now that he's got all of NERV under his thumb?"

"One thing's for sure," Kaji began, "his agenda effectively derailed that of the Committee's once he took power."

"What'd they have in mind, anyway?" Misato asked.

With that, Kaji then explained to the two what Freakazoid had told him about. By the time that he'd finished, both Misato and Makoto were stunned speechless. For the moment, at least, since a different emotion then came to Misato.

"Those dirty-you mean all this time, I've been working for the ones who effectively sent my father to his death, as well as wiped out half the planet's people?!" Misato asked through gritted teeth. "And Commander Ikari was _in_ on it?!" In her building rage, she took out a large mallet from out of nowhere and was about to go all Gallagher on the watermelon on the table before Kaji held her back.

"Whoa! Whoa! Calm down! Don't take it out on the merchandise here!" Kaji said worriedly. "Just take a deep breath or two."

Misato, realizing it'd be a waste of perfectly good watermelon, did just that as she took two deep breaths, lowered her mallet, and then slowly sat back down. Taking Kaji's offer of a glass of cooler, she immediately took the glass and downed its contents in one sitting. "*BURP* That really is refreshing," she noted while eyeing the now-empty glass in her hand. Her eyebrows remained in their narrowed position as she spoke again, turning her thoughts to the one person other than the Sub-Commander who knew Commander Ikari best. "Ritsuko Akagi, we are _so_ going to have a serious talk..."

"We will, don't worry," Kaji said reassuringly. "Just try not to kill her first."

**Misato's apartment complex, later that day...**

Shinji, Asuka and Rei, having taken the train back from HQ, had just arrived at the front doors to their respective apartments. When Rei opened her door, she was met by something waiting for her, greeting her with a "Mrrow". Smiling a little, she crouched down to pick up the other occupant of her apartment.

"Hello, there," she said as she greeted the little black kitten held in her arms. "Were you good while I was away?"

Shinji and Asuka, for a brief moment, were genuinely surprised by the fact that their friend had apparently gotten a pet without them noticing.

"Awww, what a cute kitten!" Asuka said as she gave it a petting behind its ears.

"When did you get it?" Shinji asked curiously.

"A couple of weeks ago, specifically a few days before we went to the island," Rei answered. "And do not worry, he has had all of his shots."

"Wait, then who's been looking after it whenever we were at school or HQ?" Asuka asked.

Her answer came when Pen-Pen waddled out of Rei's doorway. The penguin gave the kitten a knowing nod (which it returned) as Shinji instinctively then opened the door to Misato's apartment, a surprised look still on his face.

Asuka was now holding the kitten, showing Shinji a side of her he hadn't seen before then. "So, does the little guy have a name?"

"Yes," Rei answered with a nod. "I call him Kablooie."

Shinji and Asuka's eyes widened a bit with surprise over hearing the unusual name given to the kitten.

"Uh, why 'Kablooie'?" Shinji asked.

"It is an interesting story, actually..." Rei hinted at before the wavy lines of a flashback began to appear.

**A street in Tokyo-3, the previous week...**

Rei was taking a walk through the city, thinking about a number of things as she went along. Her attention was then drawn to the sight of a small black stray kitten on the other side of the street. The interesting thing about it though, was the chain of events it set off just by crossing the path of a guy painting a sign on a storefront while standing on a ladder. When it did, one of the legs of the ladder splintered, causing it to tilt, the man atop it flailing for purchase until he grasped a small flagpole jutting out of the building's wall and held on for dear life. His paint can then fell off its perch, spilling its blue contents onto the sidewalk as it rolled on its side...and into the back leg of a woman moving a cart full of boxes of baking soda, causing her to trip and launch the cart into the other storefront she was escorting it into. The cart then crashed into a display made up of, strangely enough, glass bottles of vinegar. From there, a typical grade school science experiment was replicated...on a much larger scale. With a sudden ***BOOM!***, the baking soda/vinegar mixture flooded outward, bursting through the storefront's window and door like a miniature tidal wave.

The kitten, paying no heed to all that chaos, then turned to cross the street, right towards Rei. When it made it to Rei's side, the kitten then nuzzled Rei's right ankle as a soft purr escaped its lips. Rei, unperturbed by what had happened, gave the kitten a small smile and picked it up gingerly.

"You look as if you would like a friend," the First Child said as she pet the kitten. It replied with a soft mewing. "Very well then. I will bring you home, but first..." She then turned to face a police officer who was responding to the incident that'd just occurred. "Excuse me, could you direct me to the veterinarian's office?"

**The apartment complex, present day...**

Both Shinji and Asuka stood there, their mouths hanging open over the slight absurdity that came with Rei's tale. They then looked down at Kablooie, who simply looked up at them briefly before licking the back of its left paw. The two of them then looked at each other, unsure of how to respond, before ultimately just shrugging and moving on.

"You want to join us for dinner?" Shinji offered. "Kablooie's welcome to visit, too, I'm sure Misato'll like him."

"I would like that, thank you," Rei replied. "I will be in as soon as I have changed."

Some moments later, the three pilots and Misato were sitting at the table finishing their dinner. As Shinji had predicted, Misato instantly took a liking to Kablooie upon first meeting the kitten, who was currently eating out of the little bowl Rei had brought along while Pen-Pen sat next to him, eating his own fishy dinner. Misato, despite her currently-frosty feelings towards her longtime friend, did take a quick photo of Kablooie with her phone and sent it immediately to Ritsuko, whose response was even more predictable. ("KITTY! OMG SO CUUUUTE!" :))

Asuka got up to clear her plate first, and just before she even got an inch away from the table, the phone rang. The quartet hesitated, wondering which of them was going to answer it-until the problem resolved itself when Shinji got up, casually walked over to it and picked it up.

"Katsuragi residence-can I help you?" he politely asked. "Mmm-hmm...I understand. One moment." He then covered the speaker with his hand as he turned to Asuka. "It's for you, Asuka-international call from Germany. She says she's your mother."

"Stepmother, actually," Asuka corrected him as she held her hand out-but not before a brief sigh escaped her. "I'll take it." Shinji then handed the phone to her and she began speaking into it, switching to her native tongue instantaneously. "_Hallo, Hilde..._" For the next several or so minutes, Shinji couldn't follow what his girlfriend was saying as she spoke with her stepmother. He briefly eyed Misato (given the time she was stationed at NERV Berlin) for possible translation assistance, but then decided against it, not wanting to intrude. Thus, he and the others kept quiet as the conversation stretched out to at least 20 minutes, until Asuka and her stepmother said their goodbyes and hung up.

"Is everything all right?" Rei asked.

"You sure were talking for a while," Shinji noted.

"It's okay, really," Asuka replied. "Just me and the stepmom's usual 'quality time'. Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily hate her, it's just we never really clicked all that well."

Later, after Rei had returned to her dwelling with Kablooie in tow and Misato had retired for the night, Shinji and Asuka lay in bed together, not quite asleep just yet. Something was on Asuka's mind, and she wanted to tell Shinji all about it.

"Shinji?" she quietly voiced.

The Third Child turned to her in response. "Something up?" he asked.

"You told me about how your mom wound up in Unit-01, but I don't think I told you about how mine got into Unit-02," the redhead said.

"It's okay," he said in turn. "I thought you'd tell me when you were ready."

"...In that case, I am," Asuka said before she began to recall her story. "My mama was one of the lead scientists for the Berlin facility, back in the GEHIRN days. A while after your mom got absorbed into Unit-01, she led the efforts to create new safety protocols and install them in Unit-02. She volunteered to be the test pilot, confident that the protocols would work." Her voice grew a bit more somber as she continued. "The day of the test, she got her answer: they didn't work as well as she'd thought. From what she told me, apparently her soul got split in two. The half that had all her 'motherly love' wound up stuck in the core, while the other half remained in her body. Without her whole soul, her body just couldn't function well, hence her being kept in a psychiatric ward. It was just so...so haunting to see her like that, unable to recognize me, treating some rag doll like it was a real girl. Then, on the day I got selected as the Second Child, I ran to her hospital room, eager to tell her the news. I thought hearing it would give her back some sense of sanity. But when I got to the room, I found her bed empty, all the restraints torn off. Then I heard some commotion coming from the hallway and followed the sound. Turns out she'd escaped and was making a break towards the lab where Unit-02 was. By the time I'd caught up with her, she'd somehow started up the sequence and gotten into the entry plug, like she was on autopilot or something. When the activation finished and the plug was extracted...she was gone."

Shinji held her as she paused for a bit, tears threatening to come out. When she composed herself, she continued. "When I asked her what'd happened, she explained that the other half of her soul was drawn to the EVA so both halves could reunite. Once the rest of her was absorbed into the core, that's just what they did."

Shinji rubbed her shoulders a bit to help keep her from bursting into tears. "I'm sorry," he said, before a hopeful smile appeared on his face. "At least you've found her again. And if we're lucky, once we've dealt with SEELE and the Angels, maybe there'll be a way to get her and my mom out."

Asuka smiled back at him on hearing those encouraging words. "I hope you're right, sweet baka," she said. Soon, the two finally began to drift off to sleep.

**NERV Testing Lab, the next day...**

"Asuka's sync rate's acting really...weird today, I've noticed," Maya said.

"For once, I'm stumped," Ritsuko admitted, scratching her head. "I've never seen a sync rate just plateau in a zig-zag pattern before." She then turned to Misato. "Anything happen earlier today?"

"Um...don't think so," Misato replied. "Maybe it was something she ate? I mean we all just came from the commissary."

"Good point," Ritsuko noted, remembering how the special that'd been served today didn't look all-too-appetizing.

Asuka, on the other hand, was just finishing speaking with her mother within her plug.

"I don't know what Dad sees in her, honestly," she said, referring to the conversation she'd had with her stepmother last night. "I know she's tried to connect with me, but it just wasn't the same."

_It's perfectly understandable, Asuka,_ Kyoko replied. _I know how you feel, in a sense. My mother remarried when I was around your age, and it took me a while to get used to my stepfather. Like many things in life, you just have to give it time._

"Maybe you're right..." Asuka said, before a faint rumbling was heard.

_Are you feeling all right?_ Kyoko asked.

"Probably something I ate," Asuka said with a wince. "Lousy NERV kitchen staff-you call that a 'chef's special'...?"

"Asuka, the test's finished," Ritsuko announced over the intercom. "You can come out now."

After mentally exchanging 'see you laters' with her mom, Asuka responded. "Finally! Boy do I really have to go..."

Minutes after she'd gotten out of the plug, showered off, and gotten dressed, Asuka closed the door to a stall behind her as the sound of a toilet flushing filled the air of the ladies room. "Aaaaahhh, much better! Now to wash my hands!"

**An overlook outside the commissary, around the same time...**

Misato and Ritsuko were each having a cup of coffee. Things were a bit tense between them, as indicated by Misato standing and Ritsuko sitting at a table. They were just there, in those particular positions, nary a word between them, for at least several minutes, until Misato finally spoke up.

"Rits, we need to talk," the major stated.

"About?" the scientist replied.

"The two faces of NERV," Misato hinted.

Ritsuko showed a bit of mild surprise before she responded. "...I had a feeling this conversation was going to happen soon. Especially considering what you and Kaji have been up to in your 'off-hours'." Now it was Misato's turn to be surprised, but before she could respond, Ritsuko held a hand up as she continued. "For what it's worth, I'm done being the Commander's co-conspirator. Name a time and place, and I'll tell you all you need to know, and help you come up with a plan to stop it all."

"...Why?" Misato asked, any iciness she felt towards her friend gone.

Ritsuko smiled a bit. "Two reasons. One, finding out my mother's alive, and you'll think I'm crazy when I tell you how. Probably think I've read too many comics." She then looked a bit wistfully at her coffee mug. "Two, lately I've found something else to fight for. Or haven't you figured out that I've been seeing Maya for the better part of a couple of weeks?"

Misato's jaw dropped upon hearing that. "Wow. And here I thought that one time in college was just...well, one time."

"Well, looks like we both got proven wrong," Ritsuko replied.

Misato nodded at that. "I'll call you when we've got a place to meet," she said as she turned to leave.

"I'll be waiting," Ritsuko said in turn.

**A NERV elevator bank, minutes later...**

Her business in the ladies room finished, Asuka waited for an elevator to arrive so she could leave NERV HQ for the day. Once one arrived, the doors opened, and Asuka found herself sharing a ride with Rei. The two chatted as the elevator climbed towards their destination.

"Oh yeah, you looking forward to the school's carnival in a week?" Asuka asked.

"I am, actually," Rei replied. "I will be running a caricature booth at the event."

Hearing this surprised the redhead. "A caricature booth? _This_ I gotta see."

"That was almost the same reaction when I approached the student committee in charge of the proceedings," Rei said. "But after showing them the portfolio I have been working on, they were impressed enough that they gave me permission to set it up."

"Well, congrats on that. Definitely interested in seeing how you do," Asuka said as the elevator doors opened.

**Tokyo-3 Municipal Middle School, the next day...**

Kensuke and Mayumi were finishing up their cleaning duty for the afternoon. It'd become apparent to their friends that there was something developing between the two, but what it was, they weren't exactly sure. They'd decided to let them sort it out on their own in the time being, so for now, despite being good friends, there was a slowly-building desire for something more.

_C'moooonnn, just ask her already! What've you got to lose?_ Freakazoid said, trying his best to encourage his 'roomie'.

_I don't know!_ Kensuke replied with a hint of exasperation. _I mean, Mayumi's a great friend, but who knows what'll happen? Man, this must've been how Shinji felt before he and Asuka hit it off, only I'm dealing with a different type of girl..._

He was jolted out of his mental conversation by Mayumi speaking up. "Kensuke?"

"Oh! Ah, yeah?" the otaku replied.

"I was wondering," the bookworm shyly began, "would you...like to go out for dinner with me sometime?"

Kensuke's eyes widened with surprise. When it came to Mayumi, he'd known her for being a bit reserved. But being even a bit forward? This was new.

_Well that saved you a bit of effort,_ Freakazoid slyly commented. _Go on, you know you want to..._

"R-really?" Kensuke nervously replied. "Uh, um...sure! I'm in!"

Mayumi smiled at hearing his answer as the two of them put away the supplies and started heading out. "I'll call or email you with the details later."

"Great!" Kensuke said, "looking forward to it!"

As soon as they parted ways at the school gate, Kensuke immediately made a beeline to the usual alleyway.

"Oooh, Freak Out!"

In a flash of light, Freakazoid sped off from the alley and began his usual patrol.

"By the way," Freakazoid started to ask, "where were you when we were on the island? I barely heard a peep out of you the whole day."

_Oh yeah, sorry about that,_ Kensuke replied. _Had a big test to study for, needed to devote all my brainpower for it._

"Got a point there," Freakazoid noted. "Especially considering the subjects Boa-Magnon's been covering."

_I know, right? Who knew international conservation politics could be that complex?_ Kensuke mused.

**Central Dogma, later that afternoon...**

"Angel visually confirmed," Shigeru reported, "have it set at the highest magnification."

With a keystroke, the monitors showed the feed from the orbital satellites. Soon the staff on the bridge found themselves looking at what appeared to be a large, crystalline bird.

"It's oddly...beautiful, in a way," Maya noted.

"Looks kinda like something you'd find at a craft fair," Shigeru commented.

"What's the status?" Misato asked.

"Currently in a fixed satellite orbit," Makoto reported.

"So far, maintaining a set distance from our position," Shigeru added.

"I'll wager that it's either waiting to dive-bomb us," Misato hypothesized, "or it's more of a long-range attacker like the 5th Angel was."

"Which means we've got to be on our toes at any rate," Makoto said.

"Right-for now, we wait until the target's in our firing range," Misato stated. "I only wish the EVAs were capable of hitting orbital targets." She then turned to Maya. "How're the pilots doing?"

"All set and ready to go," Maya reported.

"Good," Misato said as she then addressed the pilots via the comms. "Units 00 and 02, get ready to launch and prepare for extreme long-range firing."

With the order given, Units 00 and 02 were launched to the surface and set about assembling their specially-modified positron rifles.

"Units 01 and 03, you two will stand by for launch as back-up," Misato ordered.

"Roger," both Shinji and Toji replied.

Up on the surface, it was a gray day, with precipitation predicted for later. Meanwhile, in another part of the city, Freakazoid was still on his patrol when he passed by Sgt. Kusagabe and his squad car.

"Hey Freakazoid, wanna go check out some tanuki motocross?" the police officer asked.

"Hi, Kusagabe! Normally, I'd love to," Freakazoid replied, "but I just got wind of an Angel alert, so I gotta go see if I can help NERV out. Maybe next time!"

"All right. Good luck, kid," Kusagabe said. The wacky wonder then continued on his way, resuming his swooshing sounds as he ran. Kusagabe then looked our way. "How 'bout you guys, wanna check out tanuki motocross?" He got no response. "All right, maybe later."

Already a few blocks further, Freakazoid got out his phone and quickly got R.O.D.D.Y. and Naoko on the horn. "What's the sitch?" Freakazoid asked. _Always wanted to say that._

"The Angel's in high orbit, meaning the EVAs will have a tough time bringing it down," Naoko replied. She then showed Freakazoid one of the satellite images of the creature, which had been dubbed Arael.

"Huh, looks like a reject from _Antiques Roadshow_," the wacky wonder commented.

"Since the EVAs won't be able ta reach it, I suggest bringin' out the Freakazord and flyin' after it," R.O.D.D.Y. advised. "That's one advantage on our end."

"All right then, I'll summon the Freakazord, but for now, we'll hold back until the Angel makes a move," Freakazoid stated as he quickly entered a command into his phone's Freakazord app. Once received, the lights in the Freakalair's hangar for the mecha lit up and its autopilot activated. Soon the colossal robot was roaring out of the large entrance built for it and made its way towards downtown. Once it reached his coordinates, Freakazoid leaped up into the cockpit and took control. Freakazoid then turned the robot towards where Unit-00 and Unit-02 stood at the ready. Suddenly, an intense-looking beam of bright light shot down from the Angel and focused on Unit-02. When it hit, Asuka let out quite the scream.

"OH, FUDGE!" Freakazoid exclaimed. "Naoko, what's that thing doing to her?!"

"Inconclusive at the moment," Naoko replied worriedly. "What I can tell you is that it's greatly affecting Asuka's mind, and mental contamination's starting to occur."

"What's the word with the staff on the bridge?" Freakazoid asked.

"No surprise, everyone but Gendo's worried about what's happening to her," Naoko grimly answered.

Meanwhile, at the site of the battle itself, Asuka wasn't, as anyone could tell, having the greatest of times.

"Stop it! Make it stop! Quititquititquitit-!" Asuka cried as she tried firing off some shots from the positron rifle. Unfortunately, they proved ineffectual due to Arael's AT-Field and its orbital position.

_Asuka! Asuka, what's wrong?!_ Kyoko shouted, trying to reach her daughter. _You can fight it, Asuka, don't let it win! Stay strong!_

In Central Dogma, everyone was scrambling, trying to find a way to help the Second Child.

"Give me something workable, people!" Misato demanded, a sense of desperation in her voice.

"It's an energy wave within the visible spectrum," Makoto reported back. "Similar to an AT-Field, but no other details at the moment!"

"What about Asuka?!" Ritsuko asked.

"Mental contamination's almost entered Y!" Maya reported.

Back in Unit-02, Asuka was still not having a good day. Strangely though, she seemed to be heavily...blushing?

"Nononononono-!" she cried. "I thought I was past all that! Don't make me remember these!"

In the launch bay, Shinji and Toji were horrified by what they were hearing.

"Asuka! Asuka, hang on! We'll get you out of there!" Shinji cried.

Back on the surface, Freakazoid decided that enough was enough.

"Sorry, folks, looks like I gotta step in," the superhero said. He then pressed a button on the dashboard labeled "Vaudeville Extraction". Once done, a compartment on the back of the Freakazord opened up, and the robot reached behind itself to get the newly-emerged implement out fully. Back at the battle site, as all eyes watched through the monitors, just when it appeared Asuka wouldn't get a reprieve any time soon...what looked to be a large cane appeared from behind, hooked itself around Unit-02's abdomen, and yanked the EVA out of the beam.

"WHOOP~!" Asuka let out as she was pulled to safety by a giant-size classic staple of American comedy. Everyone's jaws dropped at the strange turn of events. When its target proved to be out of range, Arael ceased its firing as it began to recalculate. Back on the ground, the Freakazord handed Unit-02 off to Unit-00.

"Rei, get Asuka back to base, on the double!" Freakazoid said as the Freakazord turned towards the sky. "Leave the over-sized drinky-bird to me!" At that moment, the large rocket boosters emerged from the Freakazord's back and roared to life, as they lifted the mecha into the air until it was soon racing towards the heavens, and the crystalline menace that was waiting there.

While Freakazoid made his way towards Arael, Rei had gotten Asuka back inside. The entry plug had been quickly extracted, and an anxious Shinji was waiting for her on the catwalk when Asuka got out. Misato and Ristuko joined up with him a moment later, as did Toji. Rei remained topside in case she could have a chance against the Angel. All four were surprised by how beet red Asuka's face was, and the abnormally-sheepish expression it held.

"A-Asuka?" Shinji started to say as he slowly, carefully brought her close. "Are you okay?"

"What'd that thing do to ya?" Toji asked, a hint of worry in his voice.

"...I...I've never felt so...so..." Asuka started to say.

"It's okay, Asuka, I'm here," Shinji said reassuringly, "we're all here for you-"

"...Embarrassed!"

Upon hearing that, Shinji and the others got surprised and confused looks on their faces, evidenced by the sweat drops by their heads.

"...Come again?" Misato asked.

"Seriously, what did the Angel do to you?" Ritsuko asked with concern.

"It...it poked its way into my mind," Asuka started to explain, "and the next thing I knew, I heard this voice. It was like some twisted TV announcer-it said..." She then donned a stereotypical announcer voice. "'And now it's time for: 'Asuka's Funniest Home Videos'!' And then it started showing me things."

"What things?" Shinji asked.

"Memories..." Asuka replied. "Memories of some of the most embarrassing moments of my life! So many things I thought I'd never live down!" She then proceeded to start crying into Shinji's shoulder. "He even showed me the one birthday party I had where Baloney the Dinosaur showed up! It was horrible!"

A collective shudder appeared among Shinji, Toji, Misato and Ritsuko when Asuka brought that name up. No matter the age group, or if one were in their right mind or not, _no one_ could stand even the thought of the orange TV dinosaur who liked to ask "Will you be my special friend?".

**High above Earth orbit, around the same time...**

The Freakazord was closing in on Arael, which Freakazoid noted as the crystalline angel got within visual range. Finally, the two opponents were face-to-face.

"I tawt I taw a shiny boid!" Freakazoid exclaimed in an imitation of a certain cartoon canary. "I did! I did tee a shiny boid!"

Arael, curious and befuddled by Freakazoid's appearance, then proceeded to charge up its probing beam. Strangely, Freakazoid didn't move out of the way.

"You sure you wanna?" Freakazoid teasingly asked in a sing-song voice. "All right, but you're not gonna like what you find in there..." _Kensuke, get ready to hit the deck under all those mental buffers!_ The young otaku, from within the Freakazone, did just that has he quickly ducked into the already-prepared shelter and shut the door tight.

The wacky wonder's taunting made no difference to the Angel of Birds, as it then fired its beam at the Freakazord. As it probed within Freakazoid's mindscape, it received an unexpected surprise: something was force-fed into its own mindscape. A song, specifically...

_**A-well-a ev'rybody's heard about the bird**_

_**B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word**_

_**A-well, a bird, bird, bird, bird is the word**_

_**A-well, a bird, bird, bird, well-a bird is the word**_

_**A-well, a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word**_

_**A-well, a bird, bird, bird, well-a bird is the word**_

_**A-well, a bird, bird, b-bird is the word**_

_**A-well, a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word**_

_**A-well, a bird, bird, bird, well-a bird is the word**_

_**A-well, a bird, bird, b-bird's the word**_

_**A-well-a don't you know about the bird?**_

_**Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word**_

_**A-well-a-bird, bird, b-bird's a word, a-well-a...**_

Arael's eyes widened. What in all the universe was this...this utterly annoying series of words and music?! And why couldn't it get it out of its head?!

Down in Central Dogma, the staff was confused by the way the Angel was twitching, almost like it was trying to get at an itch it couldn't scratch. Suddenly, with no warning and to the total surprise of everyone, Arael quickly zoomed away at almost-impossible speeds, an almost horrified look on its face.

Freakazoid grinned at the outcome and turned the Freakazord around to head back down to Earth. _All right Kensuke, you can come out now. _

On hearing this, Kensuke opened the door to the shelter and slowly emerged. _Is it over?_ he asked.

_Oh yeah,_ Freakazoid replied. _I don't think Arael's gonna be coming around here anymore. If my guess is right, it'll probably get to the point where the poor sap will take refuge in a black hole or something._

At that moment, Freakazoid noticed a pinging, blinking light from the dashboard. "'Scuse me a minute, Kensuke, looks like Central Dogma's trying to hail me." Freakazoid then opened a channel and was soon in communication with the staff on the bridge, as a video feed appeared on a screen in the cockpit.

"Freakazoid, do you copy?" Misato asked from her end.

"I read you, Major, what's up?" Freakazoid answered.

"While most of us are grateful that you saved us a lot of trouble with this Angel," she began, "some of us in particular are dying to know one thing."

"And what's that?" the wacky wonder responded.

Ritsuko then spoke into the mic on their end. "_What_ did you do to it?"

Freakazoid grinned before he answered. "Oh, nothing much, just used the brief connection it established to plant something in its head."

"WHAT did you put in there?" Ritsuko pressed further.

Freakazoid then took out from behind his back what looked to be an old 45 record album. Seeing this surprised the staff on-deck.

"WHOA," Shigeru said. Being the musician of the bridge bunny trio, he knew the album Freakazoid held very well. It was the single version of the 1963 rock n' roll song "Surfin' Bird" by an American band named the Trashmen.

"And it's not just that take-I also stuck in there some 40 other different-language versions of it, including Klingon," Freakazoid elaborated. "I guess you could say that the early bird..." Freakazoid started to say, before he slipped on a pair of Aviator sunglasses in an over-dramatic fashion, "got the _earworm_!"

From out of nowhere, the NERV staff then could've sworn they heard part of the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" in the background.

Meanwhile, light years away from Earth, Arael was banging its head against an asteroid, trying in vain to silence the song stuck in its head on a seemingly-endless, multi-lingual loop.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**And now the 15th Angel's come and gone...with hilarious results!**

**You'll note I significantly altered both the circumstances of Kyoko's 'death' and Asuka's encounter with Arael. Given how I've taken somewhat of a 'kids show' approach with this retelling of the EVA story, it was bound to happen. Hope it works for you all.**

**Early in the chapter, when Asuka tries to cover that stray thought in front of her mother, she paraphrases Sgt. Schultz's catchphrase from **

**_Hogan's Heroes_****.**

**Misato about to go ballistic on a watermelon references the famous prop comic Gallagher, known for smashing watermelons in his act.**

**Rei's new pet, and the circumstances in which they met, are my little shout-out to the 1949 Tex Avery cartoon short ****_Bad Luck Blackie_****, in which a kitten gets help from a black cat to drive away a bully of a bulldog.**

**Asuka's exit of the stall and the hand-washing statement recall the season two **_**Freakazoid**_** episode "Dexter's Date". The episode also gets a nod when Freakazoid bumps into Kusagabe again; in the original, Cosgrove asks Freakazoid if he wants to go get a fat-free frozen yogurt.**

**Freakazoid briefly speaks the signature catchphrase of the title character from ****_Kim Possible_****.**

**The 'Vaudeville Extraction' Freakazoid uses to save Asuka is an old gimmick from the days of Vaudeville theater in America. If a performer's lousy, the hook is utilized to comically pull them off the stage. Here, it's used for more heroic purposes.**

**As Asuka explains what Arael did to her, she mentions the title of a spoof of the long-running ****_America's Funniest Home Videos_**** and Baloney the Dinosaur, a semi-recurring minor character who was an over-exaggerated parody of, what else, ****_Barney_****, that appeared in most of the 'Steven Spielberg Presents' Warner Brothers cartoons.**

**On encountering Arael, Freakazoid invokes iconic ****_Looney Tunes _****character Tweety Bird. His method of defeating Arael, as stated, involves putting an annoying earworm of a song in the Angel's mind, and what better choice than "Surfin' Bird", a song that returned to prominence thanks to the later ****_Family Guy _****episode "I Dream of Jesus"?**

**Lastly, Freakazoid's earworm one-liner (and slipping on the sunglasses) parodies the usual shtick of David Caruso's Horatio Caine on ****_CSI: Miami_****.**


	33. Episode 32 - Musical Interlude 5

**Announcer: "...And now, a musical interlude."**

**-X-**

**[Suggested music: "A Cruel Angel's Thesis"]**

The opening title sequence of _Neon Genesis Evangelion_ began playing, like it normally did...

_**Zankoku na tenshi no you ni**_

_**Shounen yo shinwa ni nare...**_

...Until fifteen seconds in, when a familiar music video came on instead.

**[Suggested music: "Never Gonna Give You Up"]**

Freakazoid then appeared, dressed like Rick Astley. An extremely dumbfounded Ritsuko and Misato found themselves in the place of the two blonde back-up dancers/singers in the same video.

Freak Astley:

_**We're no strangers to love...**_

_**You know the rules, and so do I!**_

_**A full commitment's what I'm thinking of.**_

_**You wouldn't get this from any other guy...**_

Kaji, just as dumbfounded, found himself playing the role of the music video's bartender.

_**IIIIII just wanna tell you how I'm feeling...**_

_**Gotta make you understand...**_

At that point, all three former college friends sighed and gave themselves a face-palming, realizing they'd wound up falling for the oldest internet trick in the book:

Rickrolling.

_**Never gonna give you up,**_

_**Never gonna let you down,**_

_**Never gonna run around and desert you!**_

_**Never gonna make you cry,**_

_**Never gonna say goodbye,**_

_**Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!**_

**-X-**

**Announcer: "This concludes our musical interlude. We now return to our story."**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Yes, loyal readers, you have been royally Rickrolled. I just thought that this ****_would_**** be the sort of thing Freakazoid would find amusing, and if you look hard enough, there are definitely some EVA/Rickroll videos out there on the web. The key is which are of the nicer quality.**


	34. Episode 33

The camera opened on an overhead shot of the streets of Tokyo-3, following a police squad car as it drove along. A theme song began playing in the background. (In Japanese, naturally.)

**_Yakkaina, yakkaina, yakkaina, yakkaina, yakkaina dansei._**

A title graphic in Japanese Kanji then appeared on the screen:

**実生活警察：日本**

[Translation: "Real Life Police: Japan".]

The shot then shifted to a first-person view of the car's interior, specifically looking out through the windshield from the passenger's side.

_**Genjitsu no keisatsu, watashitachi wa anata o futatabi tsukamaemashita...**_

The scene then shifted to following a foot chase featuring an female officer at the ready.

**_Anata wa hanzai sōsa de watashitachi ni torae raremashita!_**

The scene then shifted to footage of an arrest being made as a suspect was shown handcuffed and led to the open back of a police cruiser...only to quickly cut to that same suspect, now behind bars, learning calligraphy.

**_Ima keimusho ni itte, hontōni sutekina bōeki o manabimashou!_**

The scene then cut to another officer, baton in-hand, running towards a suspect, who he manages to nab and lead him back to the waiting squad car. Under the suspect's arm was a big unopened box of freshly-manufactured ballpoint pens.

_**Yakkaina otoko-tachi, mata tsukamatte, pen o nusunde...**_

_**Yakkaina dansei!**_

**-X-**

The camera then focused on one squad car in particular, as Sgt. Kusagabe began narrating.

Kusagabe: "When you've been on the force for as long as I've been, you gain a lot of experience."

The shot then shifted to the interior, focusing on Kusagabe himself as he drove his car along.

Kusagabe: "Eventually, you gain so much experience, you start to wonder if you'll evolve into a more powerful Pokemon. Or rather, you get to the point where you can just _feel_ when a crime occurs...Typically, it's the feeling that something's _off_ in our fair fortress city...Call it instinct, call it a hunch, either way, it's-".

Kusagabe suddenly paused, as if said instinct was acting up.

Kusagabe: "Burglary in-progress. Let's roll."

Kusagabe's car then sped up until it reached its destination. After putting it in park and unbuckling his seat belt, Kusagabe then pulled out his nightstick and exited the car, the cameraman following him. Kusagabe headed down an alley as the camera continued to roll, following him as he exited the alley, hopped a fence, and dashed down the street until they arrived in a cul-de-sac. Kusagabe stopped at one house, and waited till the cameraman caught up with him, panting from running so fast with a heavy piece of equipment on his shoulder.

Kusagabe: "Let's get a move on-there's a burglar in that house!"

The cameraman continued panting, utterly exhausted by having to chase Kusagabe.

Kusagabe: "You okay, kid?"

In response, the cameraman collapsed onto his back, the camera shot now looking at the night sky. The lighting girl leaned over to check on him, as did Kusagabe.

Kusagabe: "Your face looks awfully red."

The camera began to turn off just as Kusagabe finished that sentence.

Kusagabe: "C'mon, kid-get up and turn that camera back on."

A minute later, the cameraman was back on his feet, with the camera back on and focused on Kusagabe, just as a shadowed figure crept out of the window of the house they were in front of. Kusagabe turned and pointed his nightstick at the burglar, who appeared to be a lanky young man in his early 20's with short hair dyed blonde; he was wearing sneakers, faded jeans, and a blue t-shirt with white short sleeves and a red collar. One of his ears was also pierced, evidenced by the tiny earring that was present; the other piece of jewelry he wore was a gold chain hanging around his neck.

Kusagabe: "Hey, you-put that PlayStation 4 back!"

Burglar [utterly surprised, and strangely compliant]: "Uuuuhhh...sorry, man!"

The burglar then carefully went back through the window with the game system in-hand. Kusagabe then walked over to the window and poked his head inside.

Kusagabe: "What're you, careless? Don't just dump it on the floor like that! Put it carefully back in the cabinet. And re-hook the cables and controllers too! Once you're done, get back out here. You're under arrest."

Burglar: "*SIGH* Yes, sir. *Grumble grumble*"

Kusagabe: "I heard that."

Kusagabe then turned to face the camera.

Kusagabe: "As you can see, police work is mostly like that: equal parts instinct and luck. You sure you're okay, kid? You still look kind of red in the face."

Freakazoid, at that point, then popped up in front of the shot.

Freakazoid: "And now, our next chapter!"

**Episode 28 - The Lobe's Legion Strikes! (...Eventually...)**

It was evening at the Katsuragi/Ikari/Sohryu apartment, a good few days after the defeat of the 15th Angel. In that time, Shinji and Misato were doing their best to help Asuka move past the experience she'd had under the Angel's beam. According to Ritsuko, despite the short amount of time Asuka had been in the beam's path, she would temporarily experience a heightened bashfulness depending on the situation; her rough estimate put it lasting at least one to two days. Right now, the three of them were watching a movie on TV to help Asuka keep her mind off things. Luckily for her, it was a movie that was just that cheesy enough to distract her: _Son of Godzilla_.

"Pfffff-hahahahahaha!" she laughed as she watched the King of the Monsters put the smaller creature through its paces on firing its radioactive breath. Shinji smiled as he watched her continue to guffaw, as he did like seeing her laugh this way.

While they enjoyed the movie, a message was being left on Misato's answering machine by Kaji.

"Yo, Katsuragi, it's me," Kaji said as he left his message in a coded manner, "When you get this, give me a call back. I may have figured out a place where we can lay all our cards on the table with Rits. You're probably gonna be surprised when I tell you where it is. Anyway, other than that, before we do, there's this flower I've been growing, and I think it's really blossomed. If you don't mind, I'd like it if you'd help me move it to a new pot. Shinji and Asuka know which one I'm talking about. Anyway, talk to you later."

"Oh, Misato, I think it's time you checked your answering machine," Shinji reminded his guardian as the thought suddenly occurred to him.

"Hey yeah, you're right," the NERV major said as she got up from the couch. "Be right back!" She then walked over to the phone and pressed play. When she heard what was on it, Shinji and Asuka suddenly heard her cry out, which startled them. "AAAAAA! Why did I have the TV up so loud?! I can't believe I missed this!" She then picked up the phone, proceeded to quickly dial Kaji's number, and slipped into her bedroom as it began to ring on the other line.

Shinji and Asuka, eyebrows raised at hearing this, looked to each other confusedly.

"Wanna eavesdrop on her?" Asuka nonchalantly asked.

"Um, sure?" Shinji said with a small amount of hesitation as the two of them got up and crept carefully towards Misato's door. Even Pen-Pen slid up beside them to listen in as they held their empty glasses to the door, just as Misato finally heard Kaji answer.

**Tokyo-3 Multiplex, around the same time...**

"Sure nice of you to treat us like this, Doc," Shigeru commented as he, Makoto, Maya and Ritsuko waited in line to get tickets. The four of them were seeing a movie at Ritsuko's invitation; what the male half of the quartet was unaware of was how it was a cover for the female half to go out on a date without the eyes of Commander Ikari or Section-2 noticing. Ritsuko was brought out of her thinking on this when the group was trying to decide on what movie to see.

"What about this one?" Shigeru asked. "'_Avatar_: 14th Anniversary Director's Cut'."

"_Avatar_? You mean like "Last Airbender"?" Maya asked.

"No, the 3-D James Cameron thing," Makoto corrected her.

"Oh, right," she replied.

"What about that one?" Ritsuko asked as she pointed to the marquee. The trio looked and Maya's face lit up upon seeing which title her sempai had pointed to.

"Oh, wow, _Babeheart_?! I haven't seen that movie since I was a kid!" Maya said excitedly. "And it's the 20th anniversary screening?! I want in!"

"What's the movie about?" Shigeru asked.

"It's about a cute little pig who totally kicks the butt of the English army in the 13th century," Maya answered gleefully. Hearing this ludicrous premise made the eyes of Shigeru, Makoto, and even Ritsuko widen with surprise.

Minutes later, the quartet was in their seats, with it having already been quite some time into the movie. Shigeru munched on some popcorn, Makoto sipped a soda, and Maya and Ritsuko, hand-in-hand, were leaning against each other. Up on the screen, it had just gotten to the start of a big battle.

English soldier: "I say, look at that little pig!"

Babeheart: "_La-la-la_-you dumbheads better get out of Scotland!"

English soldier [skeptical]: "And if we don't?"

Babeheart: "*Oink-oink-oink-oink-oink-oink!*"

English soldier [terrified]: "Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

Scottish army: "Alba gu braaaaaaa!"

Makoto and Shigeru grew very surprised at the intensity of the battle, the sounds of swords clashing heard as the two on-screen armies fought, the title pig's snorting rising above the din. Even Ritsuko was astonished by the spectacle before her.

"This...isn't at all what I expected," Shigeru whispered before munching on another small handful of popcorn.

"No kidding, it's pretty gory," Makoto added before taking another sip of soda.

"Yeah, true," Maya said quietly. "But that _is_ one very cute pig."

"Wonder if this got any awards," Ritsuko mused.

**Gendo Ikari's residence, around the same time...**

Gendo's car arrived at his home, the Commander having finally finished with his work for the day. Since the battle with the 15th Angel, a number of things had been gnawing at him, but to put it simply, he was utterly frustrated with yet another aspect of his scenario getting thwarted. As part of his plan, he was to have Rei retrieve the Lance of Longinus from Terminal Dogma and use it to destroy the Angel; in the process, the lance would be stuck in a lunar orbit, out of the hands of the Council. Unfortunately, that accursed Freakazoid had to butt in yet again. And yet again, he was scolded by Gutierrez for his seeming inability to keep the wacky wonder in check. Gendo knew he needed to once again retool his planning to work around the superhero's antics. As he exited his car and started walking towards his doorstep, he was met with yet another aggravating sight:

His entire house had been tee-pee'd all over.

Gendo felt his teeth and fists clench, until the sound of laughter directed his gaze to the roof. What he saw genuinely surprised him, for standing atop the toilet paper-covered shingles were what appeared to be four gnomes, all four of whom were laughing at him hard.

"YOU!" Gendo yelled as he pointed an accusing finger at the quartet. "YOU'RE responsible for this!"

"What, were you expecting some kappa?" Baffeardin taunted back.

"I bet ya still haven't figured out what else we've done, have ya, four-eyes?" Honna added.

"What else you've..." Gendo started to wonder, before his eyes widened as he realized what they'd inferred. "It was you the whole time! First you stole my pants, then my shirts...!"

"Bingo! Give the man a prize," Huska cheekily said.

"Grrrrr...You can't do this to me!" Gendo exhorted. "Do you know who I am? I am the commander of the most powerful paramilitary agency on the planet!"

"Maybe you should change your title to 'commander of the whitest legs in all Japan'!" Young Quist teased, causing the others to laugh.

Gendo fumed even more at this insult. "I'll get you for this-do you hear me?!" he angrily shouted back. "I'll get you when you're back on the ground! You'll have to come back down here some time!"

"Eh, I wouldn't wait on it," Baffeardin replied. "We can do this aaaallll night if we want. So go ahead, try and get us, ya weenie!"

Hearing that word struck a chord in Gendo. It reminded him of his high school days, and the name that many had flung at him. Every time one of his tormentors had used it, it stung, and compounded his rage and anger further. Years later, he'd thought he'd gotten past that particular part of his youth; but here, right now, that little bit of self-delusion failed to hold water. Gendo gritted his teeth, clenched his fists even more as the vein in his forehead began throbbing. Finally, he responded in kind, with plenty of fury to spare.

"I AM NOT A WEENIE!" he shouted at the gnomes, having finally blown his top. "YOU are the weenie!"

Gendo's driver, having seen all this, sighed wearily. _Good grief, this is going to be a long night..._he thought as he sat down and opened a book to pass the time.

**Downtown Tokyo-3, yet again around the same time...**

A large SUV was being driven around the brightly-lit city, its five occupants taking in their surroundings as they went by.

"Why exactly are we-a just cruisin' around the city again?" one of them asked in a slightly-gravelly Italian accent.

"I know, right?" the lone female of the group chimed in. "Why aren't we, like, going to town on this town already?"

"_Patience_, people, that's why," their leader, the Lobe, answered. "A bit of reconnaissance to better understand our environment will give us an advantage once we make our presence known. And should there be the need for a clean getaway, it will pay to know all the city's ins and outs extensively." The Lobe then spotted out of the corner of his eye one particular establishment. "Ooh! An authentic karaoke bar in the land of the very concept's birth! Stop the car here."

The SUV's driver did as commanded and pulled up alongside the sidewalk where the karaoke bar was located. The Lobe, along with the vehicle's other occupants (all dressed incognito in matching trench coats, fedoras, and sunglasses), then exited the vehicle and looked upon the place, with the Lobe being the most fascinated.

"Indulge me a little, if you would," the evil genius said. "I'd just like to see what their song catalogue contains, I won't be long...Unless they have "MacArthur Park", then I might be a _bit_ long."

The other occupants groaned a little as they all did a simultaneous face-palm.

**Inside the karaoke bar, several minutes later...**

**[Suggested music: "MacArthur Park" by Richard Harris, beginning at the 6:20 mark.]**

The song reached its climax as the Lobe, on stage with a microphone, poured his heart out into the last set of lyrics, the audience absolutely mesmerized by his performance. The others who came in with him sat at their own table, utterly bored by the proceedings. Two female patrons volunteered to be his backing vocals for the last part: one had short reddish hair and a slight tan complexion, while the other had long flowing blue hair and fairer skin.

The Lobe:

**_MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark,_**

**_All the sweet green icing flowing dowwwwwnnnn..._**

**_Someone left the cake out in the rain..._**

**_IIII don't think that I can take it,_**

**_'Cause it took so long to bake it,_**

**_And I'll never haaavvve that recipe, agaaaaaaain!_**

The Two Volunteers:

**_Ooooh noooooooo!_**

**_Ooooh noooooooooo...!_**

The Lobe then gleefully 'conducted' an invisible orchestra as the song hit its last crescendo.

The Two Volunteers:

_**Noooooooooooo...!**_

_**Oh, nooooooooooooooooooo!**_

When the song ended, the Lobe and the two volunteers were met with thunderous applause from the karaoke bar's other patrons, to which the three of them took their bows.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Things are just gonna get fun from here, aren't they?**

**The opening segment is an import of the "Real Life Police" bit from the season two **

**_Freakazoid _****episode "Two Against Freak", which parodied the (cancelled as of two months ago) reality TV series ****_Cops_**** (their theme song "Bad Boys" spoofed as "Nasty Men"). The burglar Kusagabe encounters is a sneaky cameo from the title character of the fan-favorite manga/anime series ****_Great Teacher Onizuka_****.**

_**Babeheart**_**, the movie that Ritsuko and the bridge bunnies see, comes from another season two episode, "Virtual Freak". As the title implies, it's an amalgamation of 1994's ****_Braveheart_**** and the following year's ****_Babe_****, which couldn't have been more tonally different.**

**At last, Gendo meets the Lawn Gnomes, and we discover just what word triggers his berserk button...the very same one Gutierrez is vulnerable to!**

**The Lobe and his associates cruising around the city comes from the season two episode "Dexter's Date", while the bit with "then I might be longer" comes from "The Freakazoid" (though in that case, it was "unless they do the Hokey Pokey, then I might be longer"). Him singing "MacArthur Park" was just my idea. The two bar patrons acting as his backup vocalists are also sneaky cameos, though of Kei and Yuri, the title leads of ****_The Dirty Pair_****.**

**And now for some fun, inspired by Mike313 and OrionPax09!**

_Omake 12 - Rejected Crossover Candidates Cavalcade_

"How ya doing there, folks?" Author0fntent asked from behind his desk, a computer to his side. "Time for another little self-insert session here, and this time, I'll be drawing upon a frequent omake subject from Mike and Orion's Superwomen of EVA stories. Of course, I refer to...'Rejected Heroes'! Basically, here they discuss which heroes they decided NOT to turn the ladies of Evangelion into, depending on their respective tales. So, be thankful we didn't have Red Lantern Asuka, Ritsuko as Dr. Light, or Mari as Thundra, that sort of thing. Anyway, what makes my edition of 'Rejected Heroes' different is that I'll give you a look at what 'spooferheroes' I decided NOT to cross EVA over with. A lot of thought went into this story (*wink wink*) before I ultimately decided to bring Freakazoid in, so here I present to you the first installment of my "Rejected Crossover Candidates Cavalcade". Here to help me with part one is none other than the Third Child himself, Shinji."

Shinji then, almost reluctantly, entered the author's office. "I knew I should've examined my contract more closely," he muttered to himself.

"Hey now, let's not be a Debbie Downer here," Author0fntent said before turning to face us again. "Now, I combed the internet to look up possible superhero parodies or satires that would work for my purposes, and eventually came upon a couple that stuck out before eventually going with _Freakazoid_. The first of these was a beloved 1980's cult classic from the imagination of the late, great Stephen J. Cannell. That being, of course, _The Greatest American Hero_!"

**[Suggested music: "Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero' (Believe it or Not)" by Joey Scarbury.]**

At the snap of the author's fingers, a red costume with a black cape appeared on Shinji. A silver belt was on his waist, and the logo on the chest of the tunic was a white circle with a strange, red symbol that resembled a stake over the center of a rectangle bent at the bottom. (The same symbol was also the belt's buckle.) Shinji gaped a bit at the weird garb he was now clad in.

"Or in this case, The Greatest _Japanese_ Hero," the author said. "Nationality aside, the premise (as well as the theme song) I felt was a great fit for Shinji. I mean, think about it: a seeming nobody finds himself entrusted with a strange suit given to him by a group of friendly space aliens. The suit itself gives the wearer various superhuman abilities. Unfortunately for the wearer, Shinji-who hates wearing the suit just as much as he loathes piloting EVA-"

"Got that right," Shinji mumbled as he tried out some of the powers that came with the suit, starting with flight.

"-Accidentally loses the suit's instruction booklet, meaning he's got to learn how to use his newfound powers through trial-and-error. Hilarity-filled heroics ensues. Anyway, before he loses the booklet, he's further instructed by the aliens to work with a special government operative in his superheroic efforts, which would be where Kaji comes in, filling the 'Bill Maxwell' role."

Kaji at that moment opened the door and poked his head into the office. "Now just a minute there, leave me outta this!" the unshaven spy demanded. "I already had my hands full with Asuka and her combination gung-ho attitude-slash-teenage crush-slash-inferiority complex, you shouldn't expect me to handle a kid with even worse self-esteem issues trying to embrace 'the hero within' at the same time! AND while juggling them with my _actual_ spy mission, no less! Sheesh!" He then shut the door behind him.

The author looked at where Kaji had been, one eyebrow arched, before turning back to us and continuing. "Like stories such as chuckman's "Last Child of Krypton" or GainaxVel3o's "Shinji Ikari: The Amazing Spider-Man", of course Shinji would grow as a character through his repeated trials as both an EVA pilot and a superhero, but this time with even more of a comedic edge."

Shinji at that moment accidentally dropped the bookshelf he was lifting with his newfound super-strength, which in turn fell through the floor to the office below him. Shinji then grew a sheepish look on his face as he examined the extent of the damage.

The author sighed as he kept going. "Ultimately, I decided to go with a bit of the consensus that there were too many 'Shinji-with-superpowers' fics on the web and try again."

At the snap of his fingers, the costume vanished and Shinji was back in his regular clothes.

"Thank you," Shinji said. He then turned to look our way along with the author. "It definitely wasn't 'me'."

"That's it for this first part of the Cavalcade," the author said as he and Shinji then waved goodbye. "Tune in next chapter for the other super-parody I turned down!"


	35. Episode 34

**Announcer: "Hello, everyone-I'm Joe Leahy, the announcer, and this is my own story within this story! **

**There was once this nice neighborhood and it was clean and they had two signs: one for ****_Freakazoid_**** and one for ****_Neon Genesis Evangelion_****. Then strange things began to happen, and a giant fire-breathing turtle got loose, and flew around, and naughty kids came and wrote a lot of bad stuff on the signs. Then things got really bad: there were smoking buildings and the turtle ran amuck in the city and fought some planes and then...some yokai came out of the woodwork and pushed the ****_Freakazoid_**** and ****_Evangelion_**** signs down!**

**So...there's my story within the story for you! Now back to announcing for me!"**

**-X-**

**Episode 29 - The Lobe's Legion Strikes! (We promise!)**

Gendo Ikari was in a mood today. He would be after barely getting any sleep the previous night while trying to deal with the presence of the Lawn Gnomes, who somehow managed to evade his grasp. Eventually deciding a strategic withdrawal was warranted (and not wanting to give those pint-sized pranksters the satisfaction), he had his driver take him back to the Geofront, where he bunked in his personal quarters on-base to get what little sleep he could. Thus, it was no surprise that Fuyutsuki walked into the office to find his former student-turned-commanding officer more irritable than usual.

"Long night?" the former professor asked.

All he got from Gendo was a low grumbling, which you couldn't tell by the way Gendo was holding his typical pose behind his desk.

"Right, then, I won't bother," Fuyutsuki said with a sigh as he started leafing through the morning paper. A minute or so after he did that, the phone on Gendo's desk rang. Almost reluctantly, the commander picked it up and answered.

"Ikari speaking," he said.

"Ah, at last we meet voice-to-voice," the man on the other line responded. From what Gendo could tell by the other man's tone, he sounded very intelligent and cunning.

"I take it you're this 'other colleague' Gutierrez spoke of?" he asked. "The one we provided those materials to recently?"

"Quite indeed," the man on the other line replied. "I'm calling to inform you that I will be putting my plan into motion this very day, later in the afternoon. I give you my word, by day's end, your 'freaky' problem will be a thing of the past, guaranteed. All I ask is that you have your Section-2 agents pull back at the appropriate time. Other than that, right after our conversation ends, you will be receiving an email. Attached is a document you will need to e-sign, waiving any liability I and my associates may incur due to any...property damage we cause in the course of carrying out my plan. Will that be satisfactory?"

"...Yes," Gendo replied. "Take care of it any way you wish. I'll keep an eye on my inbox. Best of luck."

"Much appreciated," the man said in turn, before the line was disconnected. Once done, Gendo opened his email and soon found a new unread message. Once he opened it, he clicked on the attachment, went through the document, and e-signed where it was indicated. He then clicked 'submit' and sent the document back.

Fuyutsuki arched an eyebrow. "Ikari, _what_ did you just do?" he asked, suspicion in his voice.

Gendo merely gave a small smirk as he responded. "Ensured that our scenario will proceed uninterrupted..."

**The school carnival, mid-afternoon...**

At a small park a few blocks from the school building, the Tokyo-3 Municipal Middle School's carnival was in full swing, with all manner of games, small rides, and food vendors (some of them student-run) available for amusement. A number of female students were wearing yukatas, including a few central to our story.

Toji and Hikari were over by that most classic of carnival games: the high striker. Toji rubbed his hands together before gripping the handle of the hammer, lifting it, and then slamming it onto the lever, causing the puck on the other end to rise. Unfortunately, it was a couple of inches short of hitting the bell, meaning Toji had just won one of the smaller plushies for Hikari. Hikari, wearing a light green yukata with a pink blossom pattern, didn't seem to mind, happily accepting the stuffed giraffe from Toji.

Over at another booth, Shinji and Asuka (in a scarlet kimono with blue tropical flowers) were trying their hand at a 'lazer' shooting gallery put together by Mana and the engineering club. Unlike the classic, Coney Island-style galleries, instead of firing at duck-shaped targets, one would be aiming at runaway robots and cartoony space monsters. The players would also be wearing electronic vests that lit up and vibrated if hit by 'enemy fire'. Some things were still the same, however, as Shinji learned when he hit one 'decoy' target that squirted water back at him. It took Asuka every ounce of her willpower not to giggle at her boyfriend's little misfortune as she concentrated on nailing her targets. She did accidentally let one slip by her, causing the 'robot' to fire a direct hit on her vest, making it light up and vibrate. Asuka, not quite over her heightened sense of bashfulness just yet, blushed heavily and tried to quickly compose herself as she concentrated on hitting the remaining targets. Eventually, the buzzer timed out.

"All right, looks like we've got a winner!" Mana said as she pointed to the final scores. Unsurprisingly, even while bashful, Asuka managed to overtake Shinji. The fact that she was victorious was enough to help Asuka get over it quickly. "So, what'll it be?" Mana asked as she pointed to the assortment of stuffed prizes.

"I'll take the mid-size Godzooky on the right," Asuka replied. Mana then nodded to Musashi (one of the club's other members manning the booth), who then got the goofy-looking green dragon off the hook it was hanging from and handed it to Asuka, eagerly awaiting with her hands open.

"I thought you didn't like dolls," Shinji said as Asuka hugged her prize a little.

"_Human-shaped_ dolls," Asuka corrected him. "Stuffed animals, on the other hand, are fair game."

"If you say so," Shinji said as he turned to face Mana. "Great game, Kirishima, you gave a classic a nice update."

"Well, I can't take all the credit," Mana replied while Musashi and another member, Keita, started re-setting the targets.

At another end of the carnival, Kensuke and Mayumi (wearing an indigo yukata with a custom kanji pattern) were walking along, munching on, respectively, a corn dog and a pork bao. Freakazoid, despite his position in the Freakazone, was enjoying himself.

_Boy, I haven't had fun at a place like this since Cosgrove and I went to the Honey Harvest Festival in Acton, Ohio,_ the wacky wonder commented.

_Well, at least here I won't overdo it on any honey,_ Kensuke thought right back.

"Something up, Kensuke?" Mayumi asked.

"Oh, nothing, just thinking," the otaku replied. _Note to self: gotta be more careful with the body language._

_Noted!_ Freakazoid said as he finished typing up what Kensuke just thought on a typewriter. He then pulled the page out and tossed it over his shoulder; the page then proceeded to morph into the logo for Stephen J. Cannell Productions, while a familiar refrain played in the background.

The two of them soon spotted a somewhat long line, and acting on their collective curiosity, followed it to see where it ended up. They got their answer when they saw, much to their surprise, Rei running a caricature booth, her kitten Kablooie perched on her right shoulder. The sign above her booth read:

**Art of Ayanami**

**Silly Sketches and Droll Drawings**

She was just finishing up with her latest customers, a student couple who requested she depict them in one of those carnival cutouts used for photos.

"Here you are," Rei said in a semi-monotone as she handed them the sketch. "Have a nice day."

The couple took a look at the drawing. At first their eyes widened with surprise, but then they burst into laughter as they walked away. The drawing of them in question did depict them sticking their heads into the photo-cutout, although Rei threw in a twist, depicting the girl sticking her head out of the beach weightlifter, while the guy stuck out of the 'bikini babe'. Kensuke and Mayumi noticed other customers who'd already gotten their sketches also chuckling or giggling at what they'd gotten.

"Hello, Aida, Yamagishi," Rei greeted as she began working on her next customer's sketch.

Kensuke and Mayumi looked at each other briefly before turning back to Rei.

"Huh, didn't know you had a booth, Ayanami," Kensuke noted.

"Or that you liked drawing," Mayumi added. "(Or had a kitten, while we're at it.)"

"This is Kablooie, you will find he is quite friendly," Rei replied. "As for the drawing, Shinji and Asuka suggested it might be a hobby worth pursuing. According to them, I have quite a talent for it."

"I'll say," Kensuke said as he looked over some of the bluenette's handiwork on display. He had to admit, a lot of these illustrations of hers were quite funny.

_Looks like she's developing quite a sense of humor,_ Freakazoid noted.

"In my research on humorous illustration," Rei continued, "I also stumbled upon a website specializing in custom-design coffee cups. At Shinji's suggestion, I made a special order and contributed some designs for a gift box for some of the staff at NERV."

"That's really nice of you," Mayumi commented.

"I believe the box should be arriving at headquarters this very moment, if my estimates are correct," Rei said.

**NERV HQ, the break room, that very moment...**

Misato, Ritsuko, and the bridge bunnies were on one of their coffee breaks when another tech came by, carrying a box.

"Just got this from a deliveryman at the front desk," the tech said. "Apparently it's for all of you."

The quintet, curious, looked at the label, and sure enough it had:

**ATTN: Misato Katsuragi, Ritsuko Akagi, Makoto Hyuga, Maya Ibuki, Shigeru Aoba**

"Huh, wonder what's inside," Ritsuko mused. Shigeru then reached over to a drawer, opened it, and retrieved a box cutter that he then put to work. Once open, Maya took out an envelope and unsealed it, revealing a small card. Inside, it read:

**A token of my appreciation for all the hard work you do for us every day.**

**I drew the designs on the cups myself, and hope you will like them.**

**Thank you.**

**-Rei Ayanami**

"Well, this is nice of her," Misato noted as she lifted one of the butcher paper-wrapped objects out of the box, which had a tag with her name on it. She then unwrapped it just as the others took theirs out. Once fully-unwrapped, Misato blinked, before laughing at what she was holding. She then showed the others a coffee mug that had a caricature of herself on it: it depicted a chibified version of her likeness, which stood in great contrast to the insanely-detailed, tricked-out version of her Alpine-Renault, almost as if it'd been customized by the American cartoonist and 'kustom kulture' icon Ed "Big Daddy" Roth. (Rei had, in fact, done the car in Roth's style.) It elicited a few snickers among the other four.

Ritsuko then unwrapped hers, and chortled when she saw what was on her mug. Rei had apparently done this image in the style of the American comic strip _Cathy_. Here, a shrugging, chibified Ritsuko was covered in soot and ashes in what looked to be the aftermath of a scientific experiment gone wrong, evidenced by the scattered beakers and debris on the lab counter she was standing behind. A talk balloon had her saying "Back to the old drawing board...".

Makoto's had a chibified version of himself, depicted like the old anime character Hero Boy (complete with his high-top hairdo), standing atop a skyscraper, dramatically pointing forward. An exclamatory talk balloon had him shouting "I MUST SUCCEED!".

"Hah, she got me good," Makoto said in-between chuckles.

Maya opened hers to find a chibified version of herself wistfully reading a romance novel hidden beneath the cover of a technical manual, eliciting a fair share of giggles from her.

Shigeru was the last to open his, and did a double-take before bursting into laughter himself. His chibified counterpart was dressed like a stereotypical metal rocker and was smashing an electric guitar into an amplifier a la Pete Townshend of the Who. The illustration was done in the style of another American comic strip, Mort Walker's _Beetle Bailey_.

"Oh, man, that poor ax," he said before resuming his guffawing.

"Remind me to thank her the next time the kids are in for a test," Maya said as she wiped a tear or two from her eyes.

**Later that afternoon, topside...**

The carnival had been winding down, so the NERV pilots and friends decided to call it a day and walk home. Kensuke managed to fib an excuse to break away from the group (saying he needed to pick something up for his dad) so he could go transform in secret. Once he found the alley, he made sure the coast was clear.

"Oooh, Freak Out!"

In a flash of light and static, Freakazoid appeared where Kensuke stood and was soon on his way, self-generated swooshing sounds and all. While on his patrol, he at one point passed by Sgt. Kusagabe leaning against his squad car. Freakazoid ran slowly backwards towards the officer upon realizing this.

"Hey, Kusagabe!" Freakazoid greeted.

"Hey, Freakazoid," Kusagabe replied. "Wanna go see Tofu-opolis?"

"Do I ever!" Freakazoid enthusiastically answered.

_Aw, nutbunnies,_ Kensuke muttered to himself with a face-palm.

Minutes later, Freakazoid and Kusagabe were walking through the aforementioned Tofu-opolis, an exhibition of miniature cities built entirely from tofu. At the moment, they were looking at a nicely-detailed replica of Kyoto, having already seen ones based on Rome, Santiago, Seoul, and Palm Springs.

"Man, did they get everything down to the smallest detail," Freakazoid said as he marveled at the model extremely up-close.

"Apparently it took the model makers three whole days to get everything right," Kusagabe added.

"And to think how much I used to scoff at tofu and other soy-based products," Freakazoid said. "I have to say, Kusagabe, this has given me a whole new respect for the humble soybean."

_Oh, brother,_ Kensuke thought with a slight eye roll.

"Kid, that's what tofu's all about," Kusagabe said. "By the way, word is that the city's going to come under attack."

"Really? Angels?" Freakazoid asked.

"No, supervillains," Kusagabe replied. "We found a note on the door of police headquarters saying a group of supervillains will soon be running amuck."

"Did it say how soon?" Freakazoid asked nonchalantly. The moment he asked that, they heard the sounds of cars being smashed, small explosions occurring, people screaming, and police sirens blaring.

"Oh yeah, right around now," Kusagabe nonchalantly answered as he looked at his watch. "I nearly forgot."

Suddenly, a panicky young man ran into the exhibition hall and slammed the door behind him. For some reason or another, he looked an awful lot like one Ranma Saotome, only he was wearing a blue Chinese martial arts outfit with a blue and white dragon pattern on the back of the shirt.

"Freakazoid!" he cried out in a way that sounded as if he was barely putting any effort into his performance. "Some supervillains are wrecking the city! You've gotta help us!"

"Uh, who are you, exactly?" Freakazoid asked confusedly.

"Oh, right-I'm Azure Dragon of the East," the young man replied as he waved in greetings. "I contributed a few jokes to the story and helped clarify some references."

"What're you doing here?" Freakazoid asked again.

"I was taking a break from typing up my latest chapter of "Iron-Blooded Devil", and thought it'd be fun if I did a little cameo here," Azure Dragon answered. Below him, a subtitle appeared:

**NOT A PLUG.**

"Oh yeah," Freakazoid said, "like what we did with BennettTheSage, I get it."

**ALSO NOT A PLUG.**

"I recently read "FrankenSohryu"," Azure Dragon said.

**TOTALLY A PLUG.**

"If you mix Coca-Cola and Mentos together, you can make a huge blob of foam!" Freakazoid described with childlike wonder.

**NOT A PLUG...BUT INTERESTING.**

"All right, I don't mind you doing a cameo," Freakazoid said. "But let's do that scene again-and this time, give it a bit more feeling."

"Got it, more feeling," Azure Dragon said as he then walked back out the door.

"...Annnnd, action!" Freakazoid called out.

Azure Dragon of the East then darted back into the exhibition hall and slammed the door behind him. "Freakazoid!" he cried, this time with a bit more emotion in his delivery. "Some supervillains are wrecking the city! You've gotta help us!"

"There we go, much better!" Freakazoid said as he commented on Azure Dragon's performance. "A few more acting workshops and you'll be ready for prime-time!"

Freakazoid and Kusagabe then exited the exhibition hall and saw just what was going down. The city was in fact in the middle of a rampage by, at the moment, unseen forces [to build up suspense!], conveniently covered by large dust clouds. Off to the side of one city block, Freakazoid and Kusagabe spotted the pilots and their friends hiding behind a storefront.

"Somehow, I knew this day was going too well," Shinji said. "There just HAD to be another shoe to drop!"

Freakazoid and Kusagabe quickly made their way to the group of teenagers. Rei's face brightened upon seeing him.

"Freakazoid!" the bluenette gleefully said as she quickly glomped onto his arm. "Thank goodness you're here!"

"Nice to see you too, Rei," Freakazoid greeted. "You do something with your hair lately?"

"You kids all right?" Kusagabe asked.

"Oh, we're _just_ peachy," Asuka replied sarcastically. "We're walking back from a nice, fun day at a carnival when all of a sudden our city is under attack not by Angels, which we're _definitely_ equipped to handle, but by genuine, bona-fide supervillains, which we most certainly _aren't_!"

"And for some reason, their leader's been callin' you out!" Toji added while pointing to Freakazoid.

"He has?" the wacky wonder asked.

**"Freakazoid! Come out and play-aaaayyyyy!"**

The group turned towards the direction of that shout-slash-tired movie quote, and saw a figure begin to emerge from the cloud of dust kicked up from all the destruction. A few people gasped at the sight of the figure as the view of him became clearer.

The figure wore what looked like a suit of advanced, futuristic battle armor, which was silver in color with highlights of dark gray. The armor itself made the figure look very imposing. What really startled people though was the man's head, which resembled a large, exposed brain. A sinister grin adorned his face as he looked towards where Freakazoid and the others stood.

"Ah, there you are, Freakazoid," the man said. "I believe the appropriate colloquialism is 'long time, no see'."

Freakazoid's eyes widened as he recognized the man immediately.

"Lobe!" he exclaimed.

"Who?" Mayumi and Hikari asked.

"The Lobe, one of my oldest archenemies," Freakazoid quickly explained. "Your basic evil genius scientist, that sort of guy."

"Ah," said the teens simultaneously as they nodded their heads.

"Gotta say though, the armor's definitely a new thing," Freakazoid noted as he looked at his longtime adversary. "Very Lex Luthor."

"Indeed it is," the Lobe said in turn. "I've been saving this for a special occasion, and your return definitely qualified. I've been waiting a long time to settle our score. But this will be a victory I won't be ashamed of sharing..."

"Oh, really? With who?" Freakazoid asked skeptically, folding his arms in front of him.

The Lobe merely smirked and held his arms out wide, as if to showcase something. "I decided that instead of going to the trouble of joining a new team of supervillains, it would be much simpler to _make_ one," he said. "Allow me to introduce you to...the Lobe's Legion!"

On the Lobe's right, a woman with very pink skin and dark pink hair emerged from the dust cloud and casually walked over towards a coffee shop. She had tattoos on her left arm, part of her head shaved, wore glasses, and a pierced ear and nose. She wore a purple top under a brick red hooded zip-up sweatshirt, slightly torn jeans, and Converse high-top sneakers. When she stopped in front of the coffee shop, she smirked and caused two glowing pink energy whips to emerge from her arms. Shinji and Toji noticed something familiar about them, as did Kensuke from within the Freakazone.

"The Whipster," the Lobe said as he introduced her. "Able to give out quite the _physical_ lashings as well as she can with _verbal_ ones."

The Whipster then proceeded to crack her energy whips at the coffee shop's storefront, ripping off the walls and breaking the window glass. She then stepped into the shop, terrifying customer and barista alike.

"I want all the money in the safe and register!" she ordered. "Along with a slice of avocado toast and a tall-soy-decaf-hazelnut latte, pronto!"

A ***BOOM!*** was then heard as Freakazoid and the others witnessed an abandoned building collapse in on itself. The one who did the deed jumped out from the epicenter, landed on the street in front of the site, and lumbered out towards where the Lobe stood; he looked like a large sumo wrestler made of shiny crystal, and had a great scowl on his face.

"Rough Diamond," Lobe said as he introduced the next Legion member. "Nearly-indestructible skin and the ability to fire off powerful energy bolts from his fists."

Rough Diamond grunted as he gave Freakazoid an indignant look. Rei and Shinji also noticed something familiar about the brute's look and just-described power set.

Freakazoid and co. then saw a car being tossed into the air, which then landed on top of another. The action was repeated when a couple more cars joined the stack, until it was about four stories tall. A figure then jumped onto the stack, flattening it with a loud ***CRASH!***. The figure then made its way towards the Lobe and Rough Diamond; he strangely looked like a real-life version of Wario, only with less cartoony proportions and wearing a bronze-colored cap and overalls. He had gray skin, a brown zig-zag mustache, and a mean-looking toothy grin on his face.

"Two-Timer," Lobe said as he made his introduction, "who's able to literally..." While the Lobe spoke, Two-Timer, before the astonished eyes of Freakazoid and co., seemed to literally divide himself into two people, with the other person that emerged being taller and skinnier, with a pair of silvery overalls and a matching cap and a black mustache whose ends pointed at a sharp upward angle. (In other words, a less-cartoony Waluigi.) "...be in two places at once, when he isn't anywhere at all."

"Heh, heh, heh..." both halves of Two-Timer chuckled menacingly. Shinji and Asuka's eyes widened when they definitely felt there was something familiar about those two.

Finally, a tall humanoid figure emerged from the dust cloud and, with a wave of its arm, seemed to throw a lump of itself towards a mailbox, which exploded upon contact with the projectile. The figure was entirely orange, save for its face, which looked like one big eye.

"And lastly, Eye-Am-Shoot," the Lobe said as he introduced the final member of his Legion. "Able to launch self-generated projectiles which explode upon hitting their target."

"Eye-Am-Shoot!" the aforementioned humanoid shouted in a very grating, annoying voice that brought a certain comedian to mind. Freakazoid and the others (save Kusagabe) stared at Eye-Am-Shoot, dumbfounded by its voice and speech pattern.

The Lobe, sensing what it was they were staring at his creation for, shrugged and explained. "He was a bit of a rush job. Not a lot of time to work the kinks out."

The Whipster then rejoined the rest of the Legion, bag of money held by one whip while one of her hands held her latte and the other held a piece of avocado toast.

"Watta took-a you so long?" the shorter half of Two-Timer exasperatingly asked his comrade in a semi-gravelly Italian accent.

"They ran out of the coffee I like," the Whipster replied sardonically. "I had to force them to look through every variety they had till they finally found a substitute that was 100% free trade." She then devoured the rest of her avocado toast and then washed it down with the rest of her latte in one gulp, before tossing the cup and the napkin aside as she unleashed her other energy whip.

"And now, Freakazoid," the Lobe began to say smugly, "I believe it's time you finally met your doom." The fists on the Lobe's gauntlets then began to glow as he raised them.

Before either side made a move, Azure Dragon of the East dashed in.

"Dragon? What're you doing back here? We're kinda getting ready to fight," Freakazoid pointed out.

"Uh, who's this guy?" Hikari asked.

"Fanfic writer," Freakazoid replied. "Helped us with a few jokes and references."

"I see," the class rep responded.

"I'll be quick, no sweat," Azure Dragon said. "I just wanted to let you know that I've been taking those workshops you suggested since that last scene we did, and I've been told I've really gotten better. I wanted to give you a quick demonstration."

"With what?" Freakazoid asked.

"A passage from _Dante's Inferno_, specifically Canto XV, verses 55 through 78," Dragon replied as he then got into a monologue stance.

The Lobe's gauntlets stopped glowing as soon as he heard that. "Ooh! I know this part," he enthusiastically said as he explained to his Legion, "It's where Dante has discovered his old teacher Brunetto Latini in the abyss, and Latini's giving words of encouragement to him, despite he himself having been sent to Hades."

The fanfic author resembling Ranma Saotome then began his monologue, which turned out to be a terrific performance:

"_If thou follow but thy star, Thou canst not miss at last a glorious haven: Unless in fairer days my judgment err'd. And if my fate so early had not chanced, Seeing the heavens thus bounteous to thee, I Had gladly given thee comfort in thy work. _

_But that ungrateful and malignant race, Who in old times came down from Fesole, Ay and still smack of their rough mountain flint, Will for thy good deeds show thee enmity. Nor wonder; for amongst ill-savor'd crabs It suits not the sweet fig-tree lay her fruit. Old fame reports them in the world for blind, Covetous, envious, proud. Look to it well: Take heed thou cleanse thee of their ways. For thee, Thy fortune hath such honor in reserve, That thou by either party shalt be craved With hunger keen: but be the fresh herb far From the goat's tooth. The herd of Fesole May of themselves make litter, not touch the plant, If any such yet spring on their rank bed, In which the holy seed revives, transmitted From those true Romans, who still there remain'd, When it was made the nest of so much ill._"

Upon finishing the monologue, Azure Dragon of the East was met with tremendous applause, along with a lot of roses being thrown at his feet. He took his bow as Freakazoid and the others applauded as well, with Toji even whistling.

"Thank you, thank you," Azure Dragon said as he turned to leave, "now I'll let you get back to what you were doing. Bye now!" With that, he left. The two sides then turned to face each other again.

"Kusagabe, get the kids out of here," Freakazoid said. "I've got a feeling things are gonna get rough soon."

Kusagabe nodded. "Okay, kids, let's get a move on and find some place safe."

The pilots and their friends nodded in turn and quickly made a beeline with Kusagabe to another part of the block that'd be more well-fortified. Freakazoid and the Lobe's Legion stared each other down, getting ready to fight, figuring out who'd get the fake-out first. In the background, Ennio Morricone-like music played, while various camera angles played around with the points of view of Freakazoid and the villains-almost like a Western by way of Monty Python.

Finally, the tense standoff was broken as Freakazoid and the villains ran towards each other, battle cries filling the air...

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**And now the Lobe's on the scene-and he brought friends!**

**The opening is inspired by Joe Leahy's cold open from the season two episode "Virtual Freak", with Gamera substituting for King Kong in the original.**

**The stuffed dragon Asuka wins is based on Godzooky, the 'nephew' of Godzilla from Hanna-Barbera's 1978 cartoon take on the King of the Monsters.**

**Freakazoid and Cosgrove went to the Honey Harvest Festival in episode 2 of season 1, where Cosgrove felt he may have overdone it on the honey.**

**Freakazoid's bit with the typewriter parodies the closing logo bumper for many a Stephen J. Cannell-created TV series, as a little callback to the previous chapter's omake.**

**Misato, Ritsuko, and the bridge bunnies getting custom coffee mugs as gifts was a bit from Lexarius's "Stranger Visitations" that I'm riffing on. "Hero Boy" is an Astro Boy parody from the season two ****_Freakazoid _****episode of the same name.**

**Freakazoid and Kusagabe going to Tofu-opolis riffs on Freakazoid and Cosgrove visiting "Jelly Land" in the season two episode "Statuesque".**

**Azure Dragon of the East's cameo (which he and I collaborated on) is based on Joe Leahy joining in on the fun in season two's "The Freakazoid". In the original gag, Joe recites a monologue from ****_Romeo and Juliet. _****The 'Not a Plug' bit riffs on another gag from that episode, where Freakazoid and Cosgrove discuss 'important plot points'. Kudos to Dragon for referencing the first lengthy fanfic I ever did for this site. Azure's avatar being based on Ranma Saotome is a riff on how much Mike313 and OrionPax09 tend to make fun of _Ranma 1/2 _in their stories.**

**Freakazoid's comment about the Lobe's armor refers to a classic staple of Lex Luthor's in the form of his own take on the 'power suit', which first debuted in 1983 (along with the robotic look for fellow Superman foe Brainiac).**

**The origin of the Lobe's Legion will be revealed next chapter. The Whipster's meant to, of course, satirize hipsters. Rough Diamond's name is a play on the phrase 'diamond in the rough'. Two-Timer's meant to parody both Wario and Waluigi, as stated in-story. Eye-Am-Shoot's speech pattern is meant to parody Marvel's Groot, if he were voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.**

**Whipster's latte order refers to a lyric from the "Weird Al" Yankovic song "Craigslist", a style parody of the Doors.**

**The Lobe's description of Two-Timer's power is a play on the title of the 1969 second album by the alternative comedy group the Firesign Theatre, _How Can You be in Two Places at Once When You're Not Anywhere at All?._**

**And now, the stunning conclusion of my two-part omake!**

_Omake 13 - Return of the Rejected Crossover Candidates Cavalcade_

AuthorOfntent was at his desk again, as if he'd been anticipating this.

"Hey folks! Sorry to leave you with another cliffhanger," he said apologetically, "but don't worry, I'll treat you to the epic conclusion of this part of our story next time. For now though, it's time for part two of my "Rejected Crossover Candidates Cavalcade", where I present to you which 'spooferheroes' I nearly used for this crossover with Evangelion before choosing _Freakazoid!_. To help with today's final demonstration, I've recruited EVA's (heavily) implied delta couple, Ritsuko and Maya!"

The door to his office then opened, and the bottle-blonde lead scientist of NERV and her trusted assistant walked in, skeptical looks on their faces.

"I told you we should've had our lawyers look at those contracts," Maya stated.

"Too late for that now," Ritsuko replied before she let out a sigh. "All right, let's get it over with."

"Thank you," Author0fntent said as he turned back to face us. "Allow me to cut to the chase: I mentioned in the previous omake that before settling on _Freakazoid!_, I toyed with EVA crossing over with the 1980's spooferhero series _The Greatest American Hero_, with Shinji donning Ralph Hinckley's red costume. The other spooferhero show I briefly considered took me back a decade earlier, to a time when disco was (sort of) king, _Jaws_ ruled the box office, and one particular set of names were staples of kids' TV. The fruits of their particular collective imagination I felt would've been a perfect contrast to the tone and sensibilities of EVA with the right amount of comedy thrown in. Of course, I refer to Mr.'s Sid & Marty Krofft, and if you guessed right, my idea from there was simple: Ritsuko and Maya as the new _Electra Woman and Dyna Girl_!"

Both Ritsuko and Maya's eyes bugged out in surprise. "Say what?!" they both wondered aloud.

The author then snapped his fingers, and in a flash, Ritsuko and Maya were respectively clad in the original 1976 costumes. Ritsuko wore an orange bodysuit with a yellow cape and leggings, along with gold boots and gloves with lightning bolt patterns. On her chest was an emblem made up of a stylized, lightning-like E and W, with the former atop and to the left of the latter letter. Around her waist was a yellow belt with a shiny buckle. Maya, in contrast, wore a red bodysuit with a salmon-colored cape and leggings, along with brick red gloves and boots that each had a pink band towards the cuff. A stylized DG emblem adorned her chest, and a belt similar to the cuff bands was around her waist, secured with a shiny buckle.

"Geez, I look like a bad cosplayer at Comic-Con," Ritsuko blanched as she looked her outfit over.

"At least he didn't give me pigtails," Maya added as she slightly blushed.

The author then continued his explanation. "Now, the old costumes are considered iconic by fans of the series, but I didn't want to get _too_ silly when it came to the initial story idea. So I made it a point to utilize a version of the outfits worn by Grace Helbig and Hannah Hart in the reboot web series." He snapped his fingers again, and the outfits on Ritsuko and Maya changed into the more tactically-minded getups worn in the reboot. "In the words of Edna Mode, NO CAPES!"

Ritsuko and Maya gave each other's new outfits a once-over. "Honestly? Much better," Maya stated.

"Seconded," Ritsuko added as she tried out a few fighting stances.

"One reason I thought of making these two E and D was the potential of a combination superhero and workplace comedy aspect added to the otherwise-dreary EVA mythos," the author elaborated, "blending elements of both versions of the franchise in the process. Plus, inspired partly by Mike313's "Blue Defiance", I liked the idea of Ritsuko wanting to become a better person and make up for her mistakes after getting superpowers, with the added bonus of bringing Maya along for the ride."

"What made you change your mind?" Maya asked as she fiddled with one of the gizmos on her belt.

"The general obscurity of the franchise," the author answered. "Considering the age range of the average reader here, I didn't think anyone would get the jokes and references. (Small confession time, I personally haven't seen a lot of either show.)" The author snapped his fingers again, and in an instant Ritsuko and Maya were back in their regular outfits. "Also, the humor in the franchise is derived more from its campy nature, and I wanted this story to have more laughs. Thus, I decided that _Freakazoid's_ particular brand of wackiness and near-total disregard of the fourth wall would be a great way to undermine the entropy surrounding the Evangelion story."

"I'll admit, it hasn't hurt," Ritsuko mused. "And you've done pretty well, so far, if those review numbers are any indication."

At that moment, Freakazoid then popped in from out of nowhere and caught the author, Ritsuko, and Maya in a surprise group hug.

"And he hasn't regretted it since the prologue!" Freakazoid said with glee. Once released from the group hug, all four people then looked our way and waved.

"That's it for my "Rejected Crossover Candidates Cavalcade," Author0fntent said. "Stay tuned for the next chapter, and with it some _very_ surprising guest stars!"


	36. Episode 35

**Announcer: "We interrupt this program for an important announcement: I actually have a very high voice and have been using a vocal modulator this entire time. Thank you, and now, back to our story, already in-progress."**

**-X-**

**Episode 30 - Saved by the Guest Stars!**

The tense staredown/standoff between Freakazoid and the Lobe's Legion had broken as the two sides finally went at it, both running towards the other with hammy battle cries filling the air. Finally, both sides collided in a resounding clash of fisticuffs and cartoony dust clouds. Freakazoid, unfortunately, found out the hard way that five against one wasn't exactly favorable.

Freakazoid first tried his luck against Rough Diamond, as he jumped onto the crystalline brute's shoulders and tried pounding on his head.

"Fall down!" Freakazoid exclaimed through slightly-gritted teeth. "C'mon, fall down!"

Rough Diamond didn't move an inch, merely standing while Freakazoid tried futilely to put a dent in him. The sumo-looking bruiser rolled his eyes, grabbed Freakazoid by the back of the collar (while the wacky wonder was still going through the motions of trying to pound on his head), and then proceeded to punt him, sending him flying for over a block.

"You hit like Hero Boy!" Rough Diamond shouted after him derisively. "And that was not meant as a compliment!"

The Lobe, waiting at the other end, jumped up via some boosters in the soles of his armored boots and proceeded to spike Freakazoid down with a glowing gauntlet, laughing evilly has he did. Freakazoid landed on the street, creating a hole shaped like himself that he crawled out of. From behind, the Whipster cracked one of her energized whips and sent it right at Freakazoid's posterior, scoring a direct hit.

Freakazoid jumped into the air, letting out a Tom-like scream before he landed back on his feet. "That tingled mah bottom!" he said in a goofy voice as he rubbed his pained rear.

"And there's more where that came from," the Whipster quipped as she unleashed another lash that hit Freakazoid's rear, causing him to jog away while she gave chase.

The two halves of Two-Timer, at that moment, tore the giant tennis rackets off of the billboard for a local sporting goods store and dashed towards Freakazoid. The shorter half managed to catch the wacky wonder unaware as he slipped the racket under his feet and swung him upwards.

"WHOA! Whoa with the serving, and the smashing, and the _thirty_-love!" Freakazoid said as he soared upwards.

"Whoops..." the shorter half of Two-Timer said as Freakazoid came falling back, only to be intercepted by the taller half, who swung his own racket into the superhero. "A-daisy!" the taller half said upon returning his other half's 'serve'.

"Whoops..." the short half said as he hit Freakazoid with his racket, sending the wacky wonder-slash-human tennis ball back to his taller half, who returned it with "...A-daisy!".

This continued on for a couple more minutes, until the short half then simply swung the racket and sent Freakazoid flying into a brick wall. Freakazoid peeled himself out of the imprint he made on the wall and shook his head to regain his bearings, just in time to see Eye-Am-Shoot getting ready to launch another self-generated missile at him.

"Eye-Am-Shoot!" he said as he let loose another explosive blob at Freakazoid.

Freakazoid's eyes bugged out (accompanied by the sound of a passenger ship's alarm) as he quickly ducked to the side, right before the blob hit the wall and blew it to pieces. Freakazoid then peered up from behind his makeshift bunker as the Lobe's Legion reassembled before him.

From their own reinforced hiding spot, Kusagabe, the pilots and their friends watched the showdown.

"No fair, it's five against one!" Toji complained.

"Hellooo, that's comic book dynamics 101!" Asuka chided. "The bad guys _never_ play fair!"

Back at the battle, Freakazoid was starting to wonder more about the new foes his old one brought together.

"How'd you even get these guys on short notice?" Freakazoid asked his archenemy.

"As I stated before," the Lobe replied, "I didn't bother with seeking out a new team of villains to join up with. Instead, I went out and literally made a team myself..."

_Oh, here we go..._Kensuke muttered with a slight eye roll as the wavy lines of a flashback appeared, with said flashback narrated by the Lobe.

"Once I learned of Freakazoid's return," the Lobe recounted, "I set out almost immediately for Japan, eager to settle our feud once and for all. (I must commend Japan Airlines for their exquisite service, delectable cuisine, and entertaining selection of in-flight movies. The fact that they had _Inception_ alone made the entire flight for me...) Upon my arrival, I met with my connection in the area and was given a secret facility on the outskirts of Tokyo-3, with all the equipment and materials I required to put each part of my plan into motion. The most important of these materials? DNA samples from the already-defeated 4th, 5th, 7th, and 10th Angels..."

Hearing this made the eyes of Freakazoid, Kensuke, and the pilots widen with shock.

"Hold on-" Freakazoid interrupted, appearing in a small bubble over the footage of the flashback. "You're saying these four-?"

"Were grown from Angelic tissue samples in my laboratory," the Lobe finished as we returned to the flashback. "I handled every aspect of their growth and development for the days that followed, tweaking their genetic codes so as to leave out certain limiting factors; specifically, S2 organs. All the powers and abilities of their genetic sources, with none of the intrinsic drive to end the world. Once fully-grown, I trained them in the use of their powers, how to fight, how to speak...(Eye-Am-Shoot is still a bit of a work in progress, but I digress...). We then chose to bide our time, deciding that we would wait until the latest Angel had been dealt with before we made our move. Granted, we did grow a bit bored when you briefly left the country on that jaunt to Dr. Mystico's island. And before you ask how I knew about that, evil genius, remember?"

"Which brings us to now, right?" Freakazoid said as the flashback ended, bringing us back to the present with another wavy camera shot.

"Indeed," the Lobe replied as he cracked his knuckles. "And may I say, it feels so good to be back."

Rough Diamond's fists began to glow as he pointed them towards Freakazoid, as did the Lobe's gauntlets. The two of them then unleashed a small volley of energy bolts towards Freakazoid, who quickly jumped out of the way, while also trying to evade Whipster's lashings, Eye-Am-Shoot's projectiles, and any random objects thrown by the two halves of Two-Timer. Eventually, the wacky wonder started dashing towards a spot almost near where Kusagabe and the kids where hiding. It almost seemed like he wouldn't make it in time; luckily for him, Rei chose that moment to throw a diversion at the villains.

The blunette quickly stood up from the hiding spot, looking seemingly surprised at the phone in her hand. "Oh, wow!" she said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster (which didn't sound like much due to a hint of her usual semi-monotone being present in her voice), "There is a wild Mew in the area!"

Hearing this made the villains' eyes go wide with excitement. "WHAT?! WHERE?!" they asked as they quickly got out their own phones and opened up _Pokemon Go!_.

"That way! Just two blocks that way! Hurry or you will miss it!" Rei answered as she put more effort into her performance.

The villains, eyes on their phones, quickly made their way towards where Rei was pointing. By the time they reached their destination, Freakazoid had made it to his own hiding spot, and quickly reconvened with Kusagabe and the kids.

"You all right, kid?" Kusagabe asked.

"They really took me by surprise there," Freakazoid replied as he wiped the sweat off his brow. "Nice thinking, Rei."

"Oh! You-you are welcome," Rei said as a bright blush appeared on her face.

"Oh, brother," Asuka muttered.

"What'll you do now?" Shinji asked.

"Rei's distraction bought me some time, so I'll need a plan, fast..." Freakazoid replied.

"Hopefully you'll have one soon," Hikari said as she briefly peered over the wall. "Knowing my _Pokemon Go! _hot spots, I doubt they'll find anything that rare over there."

The others stared at her, slightly surprised.

"...My sister Nozomi and I got into it a couple months ago," the class rep admitted sheepishly.

"Can't you call on some other superheroes for help?" Mayumi asked.

"They probably won't get here in time," Freakazoid replied. "And besides, I checked-most of them are retired these days."

"Ah, nutbunnies," the bookworm said with a defeated tone.

_Well, that's just great,_ Kensuke said from within the Freakazone, _at this point, there's probably nobody else on Earth that can stop these guys!_

Upon hearing that, a light bulb went off above Freakazoid's head, causing him to smile with realization.

"That's it!" he exclaimed. "I know just what to do!" He then looked at Toji. "You got a NERV-issued phone when you joined up, right?"

"Uh, yeah?" the jock replied.

"Give it here!" Freakazoid said, to which Toji complied and handed him the phone. Freakazoid then quickly went through its built-in contacts list and dialed a number.

"Who're you calling, kid?" Kusagabe asked.

"You'll see," the wacky wonder answered.

**NERV HQ, that very moment...**

Misato's phone rang while she was speaking with Ritsuko and Maya in the former's office. Briefly startled by the unexpected call, Misato took a quick look at the number before answering it.

"Katsuragi here," she said. "And for the last time, Toji, that "Women of NERV" swimsuit calendar you and Kensuke came up with is NOT happening."

"Major! It's Freakazoid!" the wacky wonder clarified. "I borrowed Toji's phone, have you been watching the news?"

"Have I been _watching_? Lt. Ibuki's been showing us the live feed for the past 10 minutes!" Misato answered concernedly. "What's going on up there?!"

"Long story short," Freakazoid began at a clipped pace, "an old arch-villain of mine just came to town with four new villains he made from angel DNA backing him up! I'm getting my butt kicked up here!"

"Wait, _angel_ DNA?!" Misato responded with a shocked look on her face. "Hang on a sec, I'm putting you on speaker." She then took the phone from her ear and then activated the speaker phone function. "Rits and Maya are with me, can you repeat what you just said?"

"I said that my arch-nemesis the Lobe is what's causing the ruckus topside," Freakazoid reiterated, "and he's got with him four supervillains he grew from the DNA of the 4th, 5th, 7th, and 10th Angels!"

Ritsuko's eyes widened upon hearing this. "Now it makes sense-those samples went missing from our labs weeks ago!"

"You mean someone pulled an inside job on us?" Maya asked.

"Looks that way," Misato replied before speaking into the phone again. "Are the kids safe?"

"They're fine! Though their Section-2 detail's strangely missing," Freakazoid answered.

"How _convenient_..." Misato grimly mused.

"Worry about that later!" Freakazoid said. "Right now, I need you three to do something, and fast! The villains are distracted, but they won't be for long!"

"What do you need us to do?" Maya asked.

"Bring Leiliel up here! I have an idea!" Freakazoid replied.

The three women looked at each other, surprised by Freakazoid's request. "Are you serious?!" Ritsuko asked.

"As an Ingmar Bergman movie, trust me!" Freakazoid answered. "Hurry, we don't have much time!"

The three women looked at each other again, realizing the gravity of the situation, and nodded.

"All right, we're heading to the lab to pick up Leiliel," Misato said as the three of them left Ritsuko's office quickly. "Where are you guys?"

"We're up near the corner of 12th and Takei, next to the mini-mart!" Freakazoid answered.

"Perfect! There's an entrance to HQ nearby, we'll be there in no time flat! Over and out!" Misato said before hanging up. Soon, the three of them (with Leiliel in its ACME prog-jar) were running up a series of ramps until they finally came to a door, which Misato and Ritsuko both opened right out into an alley...right just behind where Freakazoid, Kusagabe and the kids were hunkered down. The group turned to face the new arrivals, most of them surprised.

"That was quick," Asuka said.

"Sometimes, some of us sneak up here when we get tired of the stuff in the vending machines," Maya said.

"Plus, they have better coffee," Ritsuko added. "Now, why'd you have us bring Leiliel?"

"It came to me a few minutes ago," Freakazoid explained. "Sure, right this very moment, there's no one else on _this_ earth who can help me stop the Lobe and his homegrown bunch-but what about on _another_ earth?! That's right, I'm gonna play the multiverse card!"

Shinji, Misato, Toji, and Hikari blinked and quickly did a double-take before saying something simultaneously. "Multiverse?"

Ritsuko quickly chimed in with an explanation of her own. "There's a longstanding theory that, separated by dimensional barriers, there's an infinite number of parallel alternate universes, each similar to and different from our own. Basically, every choice someone didn't make, did get made somewhere else."

Those who weren't super-smart stared at Ritsuko, slightly less-confused.

"Lemme put it this way, Misato," Asuka said. "You know that show we used to watch reruns of when I was training in Germany?"

"Which show?" Misato asked in turn. "Oh yeah, _Sliders_! That was always good for a cheap laugh!"

"Hey! I _happen_ to like that show a lot!" Ritsuko chided.

"Me too!" Freakazoid added. "Though it really went downhill after the back half of season three, and the two seasons that followed just couldn't match the quality of-"

"Can we PLEASE stay focused on the immediate crisis here?!" Shinji shouted. Hearing that snapped everyone back to the present situation.

"Right, right, one thing at a time," Freakazoid said as he crouched down to speak to Leiliel. "Hey, there, lil' guy! You doing okay?"

**[Suggested vocal effects: Don Messick as Gloop and/or Gleep from ****_The Herculoids_****.]**

Leiliel responded in an unintelligible gibberish that no one else seemed to understand, in what sounded like a friendly tone.

"Great!" Freakazoid responded. "Listen, right now we really need your help. I want you to open a portal to this specific earth in the multiverse and bring these four people here temporarily." He then whispered those details into the tiny 12th Angel's 'ear' for a brief moment. "Do you think you can do that?"

Leiliel replied back in a tone that sounded of uncertainty.

"Can you do it for a Shady Snack?" Freakazoid asked, holding up what looked to be a simple dog biscuit.

Leiliel shook its 'head' as it gave a negative reply.

"How about TWO Shady Snacks?" Freakazoid tried again, holding up two of them in between his fingers.

Leiliel gave a negative reply again.

"All right, you drive a hard bargain," Freakazoid said as he took out a black-and-white box full of the treats, a red "Shady Snacks" logo on the front. "Half a box of Shady Snacks, that's as high as I'll go!"

Leiliel seemed to consider this for a moment, before finally giving an answer-it nodded quickly, giving off some positive sounding replies repeatedly.

Smiling at this, Freakazoid nodded for Maya to open up the jar and let Leiliel out. Freakazoid then proceeded to pour half of the box's contents just as Leiliel quickly shifted to portal mode, eating all the treats that fell out whole. Once satisfied, Leiliel made the sound of licking its lips before returning to orb form, the pattern now resembling a very happy smiley face. Freakazoid and the diminutive Angel then stepped out from behind the hiding spot just as everyone saw the Lobe and his Legion walking back towards them, looks of clear disappointment on most of their faces.

"Well, that was a waste of time that could've been spent pulverizing Freakazoid," the Lobe said as he stowed his phone.

"'Mew nearby', my shiny cubic zirconia foot!" Rough Diamond said in frustration.

"It's-a gyp, is wattit is!" Two-Timer said. "There was-a barely anythin' worth-a catchin'!"

"And the most genuinely ironic thing about all this?" Whipster began. "Eye-Am-Shoot, of all people, managed to snag a Porygon, the one Pokemon the rest of us _still_ haven't caught yet!"

"Eye-Am-Shoot," said villain replied in a smug tone-of-voice, his 'face' upturned.

"Having fun yet?" Freakazoid tauntingly asked.

Looking to see Freakazoid standing opposite them in a defiant pose, the Lobe and his Legion ceased their current conversation and got back into their battle stances.

"Clever distraction, Freakazoid, but I'm afraid the inevitable will no longer be delayed," the Lobe said threateningly as his gauntlets began to glow again, along with Rough Diamond's fists and Whipster's whips. Both halves of Two-Timer cracked their knuckles, while Eye-Am-Shoot readied his throwing arm.

"Forget about delayed," Freakazoid said confidently, "I'm calling the inevitable...cancelled!"

On cue, Leiliel appeared from behind Freakazoid and opened a large portal behind them as Kusagabe and the others looked on in awe. Out of nowhere from up above, an overhead mic similar to the kind found in wrestling rings lowered itself for Freakazoid to grab.

**[Suggested music: the theme music of ****_The Super Powers Team: Galactic Guardians_**** by Hoyt Curtain, minus the sound effects.]**

"Lay-deeeeessss and gentlemen, children of all ages!" Freakazoid spoke into the mic, channeling legendary announcer Michael Buffer. "For one time only, making a special appearance all the way from another earth in the multiverse, give it up for four of the Superwomen of EVA!"

The confused NERV staffers and kids looked around as the sound of an unseen roaring crowd was heard.

"First up," Freakazoid began, his free hand pointing to the open portal, "the haughty hottie who learned humility after happening upon her half-alien heritage, the lone heir of Krypton: Asuka "Supergirl" Sohryu!"

Suddenly, a slightly-hovering figure was deposited from the portal. Sure enough, the figure looked almost exactly like Asuka, though she was wearing a blonde wig; a red domino mask, gloves, skirt, and boots; a blue shirt that bared her midriff and had the famous S-shield on the chest; and a flowing red cape that had a yellow S-shield on the back. Both versions of Asuka then noticed the other was staring.

"Holy _schnike_!" both said, taken aback by the other's appearance.

"Second up," Freakazoid continued, "she started out as a tool for a madman's dream, only to be chosen by the gods of Olympus as their champion to save the world from it! Tokyo-3's own amazing amazon: Rei "Wonder Girl" Ayanami!"

A second figure was then deposited from the portal, much to their own surprise. The girl was definitely Rei, still with her short haircut but wearing something completely unexpected on her head: a golden tiara with a small red star in the center. This Rei also wore what looked like a leotard; the top half was red, with an ornate band of gold around the waist, and a pair of gold W's that almost resembled a bird of prey on the chest area. Below the 'belt' the leotard was blue with a pattern of white stars all over. On her lower legs were a pair of red boots, each with a white stripe down the front and another around the top portions. On her wrists were a pair of silver bracers, and on her right hip hung a shining, golden lasso. The two Reis eyed each other, each surprised by their respective counterpart.

"Fascinating," both said simultaneously in a Spockian manner.

"Third up," Freakazoid continued, "long wanting to fight the Angels herself, she got her wish when the power to do so practically fell into her hands as a little green ring. The woman with emerald courage: Misato "Green Lantern" Katsuragi!"

A third figure was then deposited from the portal, surprised by the suddenness of it. It was definitely a version of Misato, only one clad in a form-fitting black-and-green uniform with white gloves and a green domino mask. On the uniform's chest was a round white circle with a green lantern-shaped symbol, which matched that of the glowing green ring on her right ring finger. Both Misatos quickly took notice of each other.

"_No way..._!" both exclaimed while pointing to each other with surprise.

"Annnnd finally," Freakazoid said, "feeling powerless while under the thumb of a man bent on ending the world, she found her life changed after stumbling onto a scarab-shaped alien gizmo, giving her the chance to fight back! And fight back she did, with every ounce of blue defiance: Ritsuko "Blue Beetle" Akagi!"

A fourth figure was then deposited from the portal, this time a woman clad in an insectoid-looking black-and-blue armor from head-to-toe. On her back was something resembling a blue scarab beetle, with its top two legs draped over her shoulders and the remaining four clutched at her sides, and its pincers sticking up higher than her head. The woman then looked at Ritsuko, and her helmet/faceplate retracted, revealing Ritsuko's own visage underneath. The two women immediately grew surprised by this.

"Oh, my stars and garters..." they both said while pointing at each other.

"Different publisher, Doctor," Wonder Girl/Rei said.

Ritsuko-the one not in the armor-then looked our way, brows furrowed.

"Hang on a minute," she started to say. "A world where we're superheroes, and I get the one that's the goofball of the Justice League? You've got to be kidding me!"

"Uh, Rits?" Maya interjected. "You're thinking of the Ted Kord version. The you that's in front of us is wearing Jaime Reyes's armor."

Ritsuko, on hearing this, immediately felt slightly embarrassed. "Oh yeah, right..." she said.

The others stared at Maya, dumbfounded.

"When you've worked with Hyuga as long as we have, you pick up a few things," the tech said.

The four superwomen then turned their attention to Freakazoid as Leiliel closed the portal and floated back into the prog-jar in Maya's hands.

"All right, buddy, what'd you bring us here for?" Green Lantern/Misato asked.

"We _were_ kinda in the middle of setting up our HQ when you plucked us from our universe, so spill!" Supergirl/Asuka demanded.

"Though I have to admit, the prospect of exploring an alternate universe is pretty exciting," Blue Beetle/Ritsuko said.

"No time for that, sorry to say," Freakazoid said. "(AND this is the third time I've had to explain this.) My arch-foe the Lobe's wrecking the city to get to me, and he's got four villains he grew from DNA from the 4th, 5th, 7th, and 10th Angels as his minions. I called you four here to help me even the odds, and I could _really_ use your help here. So, up for a trans-dimensional team-up?"

The four superwomen looked at each other, then the Lobe's Legion (all of whom were quite surprised by the turn of events they'd witnessed), and then back at Freakazoid, still bearing an eager grin and holding two thumbs up.

"We're in," they all said as they then turned to face the assemblage of villains.

"Neato!" Freakazoid enthusiastically said. "Leave the Lobe to me, the rest are all yours."

"Dibs on the Wario Bros. knockoffs," Supergirl said as she cracked her knuckles in anticipation.

"I will handle the crystal sumo," Wonder Girl said as she unfurled her lasso and began twirling it.

"I'll take eye-van the terrible," Green Lantern said as a glowing aura appeared around her, "I've got experience."

"Guess that leaves me with pink _Portlandia_ here," Ritsuko said as her head was re-helmeted.

Over on the villains' side, the reaction was less-than-enthusiastic.

"Oh, dear..." the Lobe said in a worried tone.

In that instant, Freakazoid and the superwomen ran into battle as they picked their opponents off.

**Green Lantern vs. Eye-Am-Shoot...**

Green Lantern quickly materialized a giant hiking boot from her ring and used it to kick Eye-Am-Shoot into an arc that took it two blocks away.

"Eye-Am-Shoooooooot!" it cried as it sailed through the air until it landed on an abandoned dump truck. Shaking its head to regain its bearings, Eye-Am-Shoot then launched a number of projectiles at the emerald crusader, who quickly surrounded herself with a force-field bubble just as the projectiles exploded. Green Lantern then flew out of the dust cloud before it settled and zoomed at Eye-Am-Shoot, scooping it up with a green band and taking him for a literal spin. She spun around and around at high speeds, until finally she stopped and let go of Eye-Am-Shoot, sending it flying into a stack of I-beams at a construction site, which piled on top of it. Just as the eye-faced villain pulled itself out of the pile of I-beams, dazed, Green Lantern 'dropped' an emerald anvil on its head.

"Eye-Am-Shoot..." it slurred as it tilted to-and-fro, until finally collapsing into unconsciousness. Green Lantern then landed beside it and bound it with more emerald bands.

"That's all, folks," the former NERV ops director said as she wiped the dust from her hands.

**Supergirl vs. Two-Timer...**

In another part of the city, Supergirl was proving to Two-Timer that a case of double trouble didn't matter to her. She deftly dodged all manner of large objects thrown at her, from cars to dumpsters to fax machines.

"And they say two heads are better than one, amirite?" the girl of steel said as she taunted the increasingly-irritated duo. "Not seeing much of this in action from you guys!"

"HEY, you shut up-a with the cheap talk-a!" the shorter half of Two-Timer shouted back.

Supergirl was momentarily caught off guard when the taller half jumped her from behind and held her in a near-vice grip. Struggling at first, the maid of might quickly got an idea. Getting the taller half's attention, she surprised him by winking at him before taking advantage of his brief distraction and elbowed him in the gut. The shorter half growled and leaped at the now-free Supergirl, who smirked as she zipped out of the way, leaving him to crash into his taller half and forcefully reuniting them into one. While he was dazed, Supergirl then used her heat vision to melt the asphalt around Two-Timer's feet, which he discovered only too late. The bronze-garbed grunt then found himself on the receiving end of a streetlamp, which Supergirl had whacked him on the top of his head with.

"Mamma mia..." he got out in a daze before he fell unconscious.

"What's that?" Supergirl cheekily asked, a hand at her ear, "'Somebody cheated'? WRONG!"

**Wonder Girl vs. Rough Diamond...**

Meanwhile, Wonder Girl found her hands full with trying to beat Rough Diamond. While her punches did push him back, his crystal-thick skin showed few nicks.

_Thankfully he does not appear to possess Ramiel's total battlefield awareness,_ the blue-haired amazon thought as she dodged Rough Diamond's energy bolts left and right.

"Hold still, star-spangled squirt!" Rough Diamond bellowed as he kept up his volley.

"I see no point in doing that," Wonder Girl said as she moved faster than before. Suddenly, she stopped and proceeded to deflect the bolts with her bracers, drawing upon the training she received at the hands of the Amazons. She then deflected a few bolts so they were redirected right back to Rough Diamond, hitting the sumo-like crystal brute dead-on, knocking him down for once. Wonder Girl smiled at this development, as it appeared she'd found her opponent's weakness. As Rough Diamond started to get back up, Wonder Girl quickly had him bound in the loop of her golden lasso, which then glowed brightly.

"We are going to have a conversation right now," Wonder Girl stated. "What can you tell me about the weaknesses in the Lobe's armor?"

Rough Diamond attempted to give a defiant response, only to find that compulsion quashed by a stranger compulsion to tell the truth.

"His armor has virtually no visible weaknesses, except for one..."

**Blue Beetle vs. The Whipster...**

Over in another area, Blue Beetle was in a close fight with the Whipster, avoiding the brunt of the villain's lashings by continuously deploying a large carapace-like shield from her arms.

"[Blocking won't hold her off forever!]" Khaji Da, the AI within the scarab, reminded its host.

"Don't remind me," Blue Beetle replied, "I was going to change things up anyway. Get ready to deploy the concussion beam on my mark..."

"You talking to me?" the Whipster asked as she kept lashing at Blue Beetle's shield. "'Cause I'm the only one here!"

_Geez, I hate that cliche,_ Blue Beetle thought to herself as she quickly retracted the shield. Her right arm then transformed into something resembling a gun barrel, which quickly fired off a glowing blue beam that hit the Whipster, knocking her back a ways. Undeterred, Whipster took the opportunity to crack her whips again, which Blue Beetle dodged as both her arms shape-shifted into twin sword blades that swiftly cut the whips.

The Whipster was very surprised by what had just happened. "HEY!" she yelled. "Those weren't even mechanical!" She then let out a horrified shriek before fainting. Blue Beetle walked over and looked her over before she restrained her in a clamp generated by her armor.

"Oh, quit complaining," Blue Beetle said. "Even without an S2 organ, your whips will probably regenerate in a while thanks to your physiology. Too bad you won't get to use them where you're going."

**Freakazoid vs. The Lobe...**

Back at the main area, Freakazoid and the Lobe were in a pitched struggle, trading blow after blow, slap after slap, noogie after noogie. At one point, Freakazoid even took out a feather and began tickling the Lobe under his chin, until the Lobe got wise and swatted the feather away. A couple of concussive blasts from the Lobe's gauntlets sent Freakazoid down the street, leaving him dazed as he tried to get up.

"Who ordered the apple kugel...?" he blearily asked in a Lewis-like voice as stars and birds danced around his head.

"I would've waited an eternity for this," the Lobe said ominously as a giant laser cannon emerged from a compartment on the back of his armor. "It's over, Freakazoid..."

Suddenly, Wonder Girl, a bound Rough Diamond in tow, appeared on the scene. "Freakazoid!" she shouted out. "The Lobe's armor has a coin-operated self-destruct mechanism in it! There should be a slot somewhere on the outside!"

"WHAT?!" the Lobe exclaimed upon hearing his armor's weakness exposed, "Who told you that?!" He then turned to glare at the bound Rough Diamond.

"The lasso made me say it," Rough Diamond admitted.

Soon Wonder Girl was joined by the other superwomen and their defeated foes, with Supergirl holding Two-Timer in a bent street lamp wrapped around himself, Green Lantern holding Eye-Am-Shoot in emerald bonds, and Blue Beetle holding Whipster in her self-generated clamps.

"Thanks for the tip!" Freakazoid said as he regained his bearings before turning to face Kusagabe and the others. "Anyone got any change?"

Kusagabe and the others quickly started searching through their pockets before it was Mayumi who struck gold.

"Got some! Catch!" she said as she threw a few coins Freakazoid's way. The wacky wonder caught them and proceeded to quickly deposit them into the slot located on the armor's 'belt buckle'. The Lobe's eyes widened on seeing this, and stayed that way when the laser cannon quickly retracted into the back compartment.

"COIN-OPERATED SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ACTIVATED," the computerized voice of the armor said. "ARMOR WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 20 SECONDS. 20...19..."

The Lobe, now sweating profusely, looked our way for a moment. "While I maintain that my 'mind-control clown ray' was a brilliant idea," the evil genius said, "I do admit, in hindsight, 'coin-operated self-destruct' was _not_ one of my better ideas." Thinking quickly, he ejected himself from the armor, the countdown timer rapidly approaching zero. Freakazoid then proceeded to grab the armor by the biceps, and then spun at a high speed before letting go, tossing the suit a great distance before it finally exploded in a brilliant flash.

When everyone opened their eyes, they breathed a collective sigh of relief. Freakazoid, upon hearing some screaming, held out his arms, which promptly caught the falling Lobe by his shoulders. To add insult to injury, the Lobe was wearing nothing but loafers, socks, and a pair of boxer shorts. The shorts had a theme that took a number of the witnesses by surprise.

"...Now _there's_ something I _really_ didn't need to see," regular Asuka said, a large sweat drop by her head.

"..._My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_?" Maya asked as she scratched her head. The others just kept staring.

"*SIGH* Yes, I'm a bit of a 'brony'," the Lobe reluctantly admitted. "But it's only because I identify greatly with Discord!"

**Some minutes later...**

The police reinforcements that Kusagabe called earlier had finally managed to make it to their location after getting around some of the wreckage the villains had left as a deterrent. Speaking of, said villains were led into a paddy wagon, with the Lobe handcuffed and the members of his Legion each sporting a pair of ACME progressive power-dampener cuffs and shackles Freakazoid had delivered by drone. While the superwomen, NERV staffers, and kids gave statements, Freakazoid walked over to the Lobe, who was being led in last.

"I just wanna know," Freakazoid started to say to his arch-foe, "who put you up to all this?"

The Lobe wearily smirked before he answered. "Pardon me if I mince words here, but let's just say I was invited to this party by a...mutual acquaintance of ours. One even more bent on your destruction than I am. Don't worry, I'm sure a face will come to you in time..."

"AGAIN with the cryptic hinting, sheesh!" Freakazoid complained as he threw his arms up in the air before looking our way. "Quit doing it, for Pete's sake, will ya? This isn't a Chris Claremont comic!"

[Hey, don't look at me, Chris Claremont I most certainly _ain't_!]

The doors to the paddy wagon were closed and the police convoy was soon on its way. Freakazoid then turned back to the gathered group of Kusagabe, the kids, the NERV staffers...and the super-powered counterparts to some of them. Each of the four were chatting a bit with their respective non-powered selves.

"Wait, I'm seriously both Supergirl AND Power Girl in your world?" Asuka asked. "Does that mean my costume-?"

"Not as risque as you think it is," Supergirl replied. "I may look good, but I don't have _that_ kind of figure just yet."

"That is a nice ponytail you have," Wonder Girl said as she complimented her counterpart. "Perhaps I shall grow my own hair out as well."

"Thank you," Rei replied, "and based on your costume's details, you are making me reconsider my opinion of the color red."

"It was an irrational dislike, you will figure it out sooner or later," the bluenette amazon said.

"...So your armor's alive?" Ritsuko asked as she and Maya curiously gave her counterpart's suit a look-over.

"It's all in the scarab," Blue Beetle explained as she pointed to said scarab on her back. "His name's Khaji Da." The three of them then heard Khaji Da chitter a bit. "He's wondering how serious the two of you are about each other."

Ritsuko and Maya looked at each other briefly before replying. "With all our hearts," they both said. "What about you?" Ritsuko asked.

"Are you and my double as-?" Maya began to ask.

"Definitely," Blue Beetle replied quickly. "We're actually apartment-hunting at the moment."

Misato, amidst all this, was being shown some of the wonders of her counterpart's power ring.

"I kinda envy you, you know," Misato said as she watched her double create a few constructs of some of the cartoon characters they enjoyed growing up.

"How come?" Green Lantern asked.

"When you got the ring, you were able to fight the Angels on your own terms," Misato replied. "The kids didn't have to fight as much."

"Sorry to say, it didn't keep them fully out of combat," the emerald warrior said. "There were times when I wound up in a fight that took me out of the way while an Angel attacked."

"Still, you did your best," Misato said reassuringly. "And it paid off, I'm guessing."

Freakazoid then rejoined the group and shook the hands of each superwoman.

"Thanks for your help, I couldn't have done it without you guys," the wacky wonder said before switching to a slight whisper. "(You about ready to head home? Don't wanna keep you here any longer, the author's kinda worried about Mike throwing a fit.)"

"Yeah, we'd better head back," Green Lantern replied. "The others are probably wondering where we went anyway."

"And we still have some finishing touches to put on our HQ," Supergirl added.

With that, Freakazoid nodded at Maya, who in turn opened the prog-jar and let Leiliel out. Leiliel then proceeded to open a portal back to the superwomen's home universe, and the quartet started walking towards it. Before they stepped in, they turned around and faced the gathered group seeing them off. Each offered a bit of advice to their respective counterparts.

"Gotta be honest," Supergirl said, "besides discovering my powers, Shinji's probably one of the best things that happened to me."

"More than becoming the Second Child?" Asuka asked.

Supergirl smiled as she answered. "Definitely," she affirmed. "Hang onto him tight. We wound up saving each other in ways you wouldn't think possible. You guys bring out the best in each other. Trust me, it's a proven fact on most worlds."

Wonder Girl offered a more personal statement to her pony-tailed self. "You have been doing well in discovering yourself," the blue-haired amazon stated. "Keep moving forward that way. The journey has barely begun."

Rei nodded in affirmation. "Thank you," she said. "Seeing you has made me look forward to where my life takes me."

Blue Beetle looked at both her other self and Maya, not quite donning her faceplate just yet. "It gets better from here," she said to her double. "You and Maya getting together proves it. Good luck with stopping the scenario."

"Thanks," Ritsuko said in turn. "And good luck on finding a place with your Maya. How's the rent on your world?"

"Pretty good, for now," Blue Beetle replied. "I'm just hoping we'll find a place that's pet-friendly."

"Got a cat?" Ritsuko asked.

Blue Beetle chuckled before answering. "A _big_ one, let's say, along with who knows how many doves and rabbits my Maya keeps in that hat of hers."

Hearing that made Ritsuko and Maya's eyes widen with surprise.

Misato and Green Lantern flashed each other a salute.

"Good luck in the days to come, Major," Green Lantern said.

Misato smiled a bit before replying. "Same to you, Major," she said in turn.

Both groups then waved goodbye before the superwomen then jumped into the portal. Leiliel closed it once it felt they'd made it to the other side and floated back into Maya's prog-jar.

"Well, it's been great, folks," Freakazoid said to the others, "but I think we've all had enough excitement for one day. So, see ya next time!" He then turned and began running with his arms forward, making swooshing sounds with his mouth, leaving the others (save for Kusagabe) befuddled in his wake.

"That is never going to _not_ be weird," Maya stated.

Mayumi then chuckled a bit.

"Somethin' funny, Yamagishi?" Toji asked.

"I was just thinking," the bookworm said, "Kensuke really missed out on something here. He would have probably been filming every bit of this till the batteries in his camera ran dry."

Within the Freakazone that very moment, Kensuke smiled a bit. _If only you knew, Mayumi..._he mused to himself as he leaned back on the beanbag chair he was sitting in.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**I told you there'd be some surprising guest stars! Having four of Mike313's Superwomen of EVA join Freakazoid for an impromptu team-up has been part of my story plan since the very beginning, just to drive the satire home. (As another exercise in 'pending approval', don't have a cow, Mike! Remember, parody is one of the most sincerest forms of flattery!)**

**Freakazoid trying to pummel Rough Diamond is based on how he initially fared against the powered-up Gutierrez in the climax of "The Wrath of Gutierrez". The 'Hero Boy' comment riffs on how very ineffectual the Astro Boy parody actually is against his foes.**

**Freakazoid's 'Tom-like scream' is basically any scream of pain emitted by said cat from the ****_Tom & Jerry _****cartoons. Freakazoid's 'tingled mah bottom' line riffs on a similar one of his from the season one episode "In Arms' Way", though in that case he had a pager in his back pocket set on vibrate.**

**I know, I know, I fudged around with the debut year of ****_Pokemon Go!_****, but this ****_is _****technically an alternate universe I've crafted, so the earlier debut year works for this narrative's purposes. Besides, the game was developed starting in 2015.**

**Freakazoid borrowing Toji's phone riffs on him doing the same with Cave Guy's in season two's "Island of Dr. Mystico".**

**I added the nod to ****_Sliders _****since it fit my narrative purposes, plus it's also one of my favorite old shows.**

**The means to get Leiliel to open the portal is a recurring bit from the ****_Scooby-Doo _****franchise. I also thought it would be funny if Leiliel sounded like Gloop and Gleep, two characters fittingly voiced by the same guy who first voiced Scooby-Doo, the late great Don Messick.**

**Both Ritsukos wind up quoting another famous blue comic book hero, in this case one from DC's marvelous competition: Beast of the X-Men. Wonder Girl/Rei's line following that riffs on the ****_Duckman _****episode "Where No Duckman has Gone Before" (a ****_Star Trek _****parody).**

**Ritsuko's nickname for the Whipster riffs on the TV show ****_Portlandia_****, which satirized hipster culture a lot.**

**Green Lantern/Misato, upon defeating Eye-Am-Shoot, fittingly utters one of the most famous catchphrases of ****_Looney Tunes_****.**

**Supergirl/Asuka tosses one of Wario's signature lines back at Two-Timer after she beats him.**

**Whipster's reaction to Blue Beetle/Ritsuko cutting her whips is a riff on the ****_Fairly Odd Parents _****episode "The Big Superhero Wish".**

**Freakazoid's 'apple kugel' line is lifted from ****_Animaniacs_**** #35, the only comic book Freakazoid's ever appeared in. Lobe's line following that paraphrases Megatron's from ****_Transformers: The Movie_****.**

**The gimmick that proves to be the Lobe's undoing is borrowed from the ****_Spongebob Squarepants _****episode "Imitation Krabs". The 'mind control clown ray' Lobe refers to is his device from the other segment of the 10th episode of ****_Freakazoid_****, "The Cloud". Freakazoid thwarts Lobe's plan by thoroughly criticizing it.**

**Asuka's reaction to seeing the Lobe in his boxers riffs on Raven's final line from the season 3 ****_Teen Titans _****episode "Revolution".**

**Longtime ****_X-Men _****writer Chris Claremont gets a nod here, mainly to riff on his tendency to weave all manner of subplots and hints into his stories.**

**And lastly, the Misatos exchanging salutes is a nod to my favorite story of both DC and Marvel, ****_JLA/Avengers_****.**

**Now for some fun, featuring another surprise 'spooferhero' cameo!**

_Omake 14 - The Last Word with Our Guest Stars_

A portal opened on the roof of the headquarters of the newly-formed Justice League as Supergirl, Wonder Girl, Green Lantern, and Blue Beetle stepped out. Waiting for them were a few other members of their fledgling team: Maya "Zatanna" Ibuki, Hikari "Miss Martian" Horaki, and Mayumi "Batgirl" Yamagishi. The others were still inside the building, finishing up with some of the additions to their briefing room.

"You're back!" Maya said as she embraced Ritsuko. "Oh, thank goodness, we were worried!"

"What happened to you guys?" Hikari asked.

"Multiverse thing," Misato replied. "Some guy named Freakazoid was having a teensy crisis and needed some help."

"Which is where you came in," Mayumi said with a slight seriousness to her voice. "Looks like we'll need to develop some sort of inter-dimensional warning system in case more incursions occur."

"Would it be possible to construct such a system?" Rei asked.

"We can certainly try," Ritsuko replied. "The very fact that there actually _are_ alternate worlds out there just has me excited for the possibilities-"

"Dial it back a bit, blondie," Asuka said. "Let's try and get our HQ ship-shape _before_ we start messing around in the multiverse."

Before anyone else could respond to that, the group of League members was taken by surprise when another portal unexpectedly opened behind them and deposited a figure. As the portal closed, the figure slowly stood up, revealed to be a large, muscular male with a very pronounced chin. He wore a blue bodysuit that covered everything but his mouth, and two odd, insectoid antennae stuck out from the top of his head. On his face was a big, beaming smile.

"SPOON!" he bellowed as he got into a heroic pose.

The League members stared with their mouths agape at the man, looked at each other, and then gave themselves quite the exasperated face-palm of justice.

"Oh, no..." they all groaned.


	37. Episode 36

The scene: somewhere in outer space. In an unknown expanse of the cosmos, the space battleship _Yamato_ cruised along on its journey. On the bridge, everyone was at their stations, keeping an eye out for Gamilon forces while maintaining a steady course.

Captain Okita: "Steady as she goes, Shima, Kodai."

Daisuke Shima and Susumu Kodai: "Aye, sir."

Kenjiro Ota: "Uh, sir, you might want to see this..."

Captain Okita: "Put it on-screen."

Ota did just that, and soon the radar image was on a larger screen for all to see, showing a large mass was being picked up by the _Yamato's_ radar.

Yuki Mori [surprised]: "What _is_ that?"

Ota: "Unknown at this time, but whatever it is, it's big-REAL big."

Captain Okita nodded at the report.

Yoshikazu Aihara: "Sir! Just heard from the lookout. Sounds urgent."

Captain Okita: "Patch it to the comms."

Aihara did so, and soon the bridge heard the lookout's report.

Lookout: "Sir! On the port bow-I-I've never seen anything like it!"

Captain Okita's eyes widened slightly at the lookout's tone.

Captain Okita: "Can we get a visual?"

Analyzer the robot: "Working on it. Stand by..."

The red, squat robot then typed in some commands as it interfaced with the ship's monitoring systems. Soon a larger image appeared on the main screen of the bridge, and slowly at first started to blur into view. Soon, the crew could make out a distinct red on the bottom, some blue in the middle, and black on top.

Shiro Sanada [astonished]: "Good golly, Miss Molly..."

Finally, the image cleared up...revealing a beaming, giddy Freakazoid.

Freakazoid [with a slight Jerry Lewis-like voice, eagerly waving with both hands]: "Hey you star BLAZIN' guys and gals in there-you wanna read my fanfic?!"

The befuddled crew on the bridge of the Yamato stared gaping at Freakazoid's sudden appearance, then looked to one another in silent confusion for what seemed like a few minutes. Finally, Yasuo Nanbu broke the silence with one simple question.

Nanbu: "...Do we have a choice?"

**Episode 31 - Nerdator 2 (Electric Boogaloo?)**

"...Your colleague failed."

Those were the first few words spoken by Gendo at the next meeting between himself and the Gutierrez-led SEELE council, after the meeting itself had begun with over ten minutes of silent posturing by all who were present, virtually or not.

"Yes, he did," Gutierrez admitted stoically. "Though in my defense, none of us were aware that Freakazoid would pull any cross-dimensional shenanigans, of all things."

"Even so, Freakazoid is still running free," Gendo pointed out, "and for once, NERV is footing the bill for damage to Tokyo-3 that _wasn't_ Angel-related."

"Yes, yes, for which you will be reimbursed, the paperwork has already been finalized," Gutierrez assured with a dismissive hand wave. Gendo nodded in affirmation. "Right now, we have more pressing matters to discuss. For once, they have nothing to do with Angels. You have seen the news of late, have you not?"

"I have," Gendo replied. "The disappearance of scientists, writers, and other intellectual-slash-cultural figures from around the world."

"Yes, and because of this, we have reason to believe certain NERV personnel may be the next targets of this mysterious force," Gutierrez elaborated. "As an extra precaution, I am tasking you with pulling your Section-2 agents from Freakazoid-apprehension duty to focus on protecting any vital personnel from this unseen abductor."

"I will handle it right away," Gendo replied with a nod.

**-X-**

Meanwhile, just around the same time, a news report regarding the happenings described in the above conversation was playing on television.

**Announcer: "It happened again, this time during the shooting of an episode of ****_The Big Bang Theory_****, and the recording of an episode of ****_Young Justice_****."**

Two side-by-side reels of footage were then shown, one on the familiar apartment set of _The Big Bang Theory_, the other at a recording studio.

**Announcer: "While going through rehearsals for the latest episode of everyone's favorite show about dorks and geeks, cast member Mayim Bialik, four-time Emmy nominee with a Ph.D. in neuroscience, was hit by some strange ray of light, which caused her to disappear from sight. The same happened to actress, mathematician, and education activist Danica McKellar while she was recording her lines as Ms. Martian for the animated action cartoon ****_Young Justice_****, as witnessed by her fellow cast members and the sound engineering team involved in the production. **

**All over the world, anyone even just barely associated with the word 'nerd' has been vanishing mysteriously after an encounter with a strange ray of light that appeared out of nowhere, from the lowest geek girl on the high school popularity totem pole to the richest IT mogul at the top of the human food chain. No one knows who's behind these abductions, and the only eyewitnesses to these strange happenings could only make out a silhouette of a large figure that would appear in the ray's wake, only to flee the scene. **

**If you are with anyone even remotely well-versed in an area of science or culture-at a level that qualifies as 'too much for their own good'-the authorities advise you to report on their ensuing disappearance the moment it happens, along with any description of the mysterious figure supposedly responsible.**

**And now, back to our regularly scheduled program."**

**-X-**

**Tokyo-3 Municipal Middle School, Friday, late afternoon...**

The final bell of the day rang, and many a student jumped out of their desks and bounded for the door. Two in particular hung back a bit as they slowly exited the building, as they went over their upcoming plan for the following evening.

"So the reservation's all set?" Mayumi asked.

"Checked and double-checked," Kensuke replied. "We're both confirmed for a table at the Tomoyuki Gardens."

"Perfect!" Mayumi said in turn. "I did a little reading up on the place ahead of time, it's supposed to be very good."

"It should be, if it managed to get Toji to cram on table manners," Kensuke said with a chuckle, remembering the details said jock had shared with them after recounting the double date from before the battle with the 13th Angel. "So, um..." A slight bit of color began to appear on his face.

"I guess I'll...see you tomorrow evening," Mayumi said, a tinge of pink also starting to appear on her face. It was clear the two still were feeling a bit awkward about this.

"Yeah," Kensuke replied.

"Bye!" both said quickly as they each went their separate ways.

_You feelin' all right, pal?_ Freakazoid asked.

_*SIGH* This whole thing's still making me a bit nervous,_ Kensuke replied. _I just can't believe we're doing this. That we're actually..._

_Going on a date?_ Freakazoid finished. _Come on, you can say it. Trust me, you're not the first guy to get nervous about taking a girl out. I mean come on, it's been a tradition for thousands of years!_

_Yeah, well, I bet each one was totally different!_ Kensuke answered back. _Not every guy's the same throughout history!_

_True,_ the wacky wonder responded. _But don't forget, you've got one thing over those centuries of guys on their first dates._

_That being...?_ Kensuke asked.

_Me in your corner!_ Freakazoid replied. _It'll be like Steve Martin in _Roxanne_, only I'm inside your head! Tell you what, I'll give you a little coaching tomorrow before you go, whaddya say?_

Kensuke almost reluctantly nodded, a part of him considering the ramifications of him getting first date advice from the world's nuttiest superhero.

_Good!_ Freakazoid said. _Now come on, crime-fightin's a-wastin'!_

Kensuke nodded again just as he reached his new usual alley, taking a quick look to see that the coast was clear.

"Oooh, Freak Out!"

In a flash of light and static, Freakazoid was out and about, once again keeping Tokyo-3 safe.

**The apartment of Makoto Hyuga, evening...**

Makoto was on his computer, surfing the web while also chatting long-distance with Satsuki Ooi of NERV-2. Both were surprised by one particular detail they'd found in their web-browsing.

H-Specs:

It's weird, isn't it? Feels like we're the only ones on the net.

Ooi-Ahing:

I know, right? Even the comments section on IMDB's deserted.

H-Specs:

And whoever's editing TVTropes right now is _really_ sloppy.

Ooi-Ahing:

Think it's got something to do with all those disappearances on the news?

H-Specs:

Could be. It's clear whoever's doing this isn't just going after big names-

Before Makoto could finish typing out his thought, he was startled by the wall of his apartment exploding, sending debris and dust flying.

"*Cough cough* Oh, geez, my super's gonna be steamed..." the bespectacled NERV tech said, before his eyes beheld the one who'd blown a hole in the wall of his humble abode. A look of terror then appeared on his face. "*GASP!*"

"Consider yourself soon to be among those...disappeared," a sinister, metallic-sounding voice said as the figure it belonged to pointed a strange-looking rifle at Makoto. The figure then pulled the trigger, letting loose a ray beam of purplish-blue light. In an instant, Makoto Hyuga vanished from his apartment, without his glasses even being left behind. The figure soon departed.

As a result, Satsuki was left hanging on the other end of the chat.

Ooi-Ahing:

Makoto? Makoto?! Are you there?!

**NERV HQ, the following afternoon...**

"Still no word from Hyuga?" Misato asked.

"Not a peep," Maya replied. "Satsuki over at NERV-2's just as clueless as we are on this."

"Maya and I even tried checking around his usual internet hangouts," Shigeru added. "No sign of our boy anywhere."

Along with Ritsuko, a good number of NERV staff were worried about Makoto, given that he hadn't shown up for work today. The lack of his presence stood out to even the pilots, currently in their plugs for another round of sync tests.

"Given the state of his apartment when the police checked it out," Ritsuko started to say, "I'm starting to see why the commander insisted on the extra..._oversight_ by Section-2."

Misato nodded at that statement. It was a bit of a surprise when she awoke earlier that morning to be startled by the sight of two Section-2 agents just standing outside her apartment's door. She'd called Ritsuko, knowing she worked closely with Commander Ikari, only to hear her longtime friend had woken up to the same thing.

"Hopefully he isn't hurt, wherever he is," Misato said as she then turned on the mic to address the pilots. "That's it for today, guys. Good job."

Moments later, the pilots were heading out from HQ, with Toji going one way and the rest of them walking with Misato to her car. Just as they reached the Alpine-Renault, Ritsuko and Maya caught up to them.

"Just wanted to ask," the bottle-blonde started to say, "we still good on that..._thing_ with Kaji?"

"Uh..." Misato began to reply, before realizing what the scientist was referring to. "Oh yeah! _That_ thing-yeah, we're good."

"What're you guys talking about?" Asuka asked, suspicion in her voice and one eyebrow raised.

"Oh, nothing important," Misato answered evasively. Before Ritsuko could back her up, the group was startled by the sound of something materializing behind them in a flash of light. The group's eyes widened with shock as they looked upon the figure that stood in front of them, a strange rifle in his right hand.

"Yes...you three will do just nicely," the figure said as it pointed the rifle at the group...specifically, at Ritsuko.

"Get down!" Misato shouted just as the figure fired. Everyone quickly scattered and tried to find cover while Misato drew her pistol and began firing at the figure. Her shots unfortunately bounced off of his armor, much to her chagrin. The figure then swiftly moved till he seemed to vanish before her eyes, only to reappear behind the car where Ritsuko and Maya were hiding. He quickly pulled the trigger, and soon the head scientist and tech vanished in a beam of light. The figure then turned his attention towards the three pilots, and before any of them could make a move, he was on them in an instant. He then quickly turned the beam on Asuka, causing her to vanish as well.

"Still have a few more to pick up, and then my time in Tokyo-3's done," the figure said menacingly as he then teleported away. Only Misato, Shinji and Rei were left. The NERV ops director then got out her phone.

"I want Section-2 covering every inch of the city, right now!" she barked into her phone. "One of our pilots and the head of Tech Division-1, along with her assistant, were just abducted right in front of me! This is a top priority!"

**The Tomoyuki Gardens, some time that evening...**

So far, Kensuke and Mayumi's quote-unquote 'first date' was going well. It'd started when Kensuke-dressing nice, for once-met up with Mayumi at the restaurant's entrance, and found himself stunned by the nothing-short-of-a-metamorphosis she'd undergone (thanks to a little help from Mana, who despite her tomboyish disposition wasn't afraid to show her 'soft side' in matters like this). She was wearing a long-sleeved black dress that, while a modest garment, showed off a nice figure that her school uniform normally hid well. Her hair was done up in a bun, and she wore a tiny bit of makeup on her face. Her usual glasses had also been swapped out for a set of more stylish frames.

"Wow..." Kensuke softly said.

"Kensuke?" Mayumi asked, puzzled by the look on his face.

"Huh? Oh! It's just, you look great!" Kensuke hastily complimented her.

"Really?" Mayumi replied, a bit of pink in her cheeks. _Looks like Mana was right about his reaction._ "Th-thank you."

From there, after being seated, Freakazoid quickly and quietly coached Kensuke on making small talk with Mayumi, before and after they'd taken their orders. Kensuke was heeding the advice given to him, quietly thankful that the Hall of Nifty Things to Know in the Freakalair had such an exhibit about situations like this.

"What can I say? It came in handy when Dexter and Steff started getting serious," Freakazoid said as he looked our way.

The icing on the cake was just how good the food they'd ordered was. Fortunately, another thing Freakazoid had coached Kensuke on from the archives of the Hall of Nifty Things to Know was dining etiquette.

_Man, this is going better than I imagined..._Kensuke thought.

_Careful, don't wanna jinx it!_ Freakazoid jokingly chided.

"Thanks again for going with me," Mayumi said as she set down her napkin. "I've been having a good time."

"Same here, it's been really nice," Kensuke agreed as he nodded.

"I wouldn't mind doing this again, if you'd...well, if you'd be up to it," Mayumi said a bit softly.

"Really?" Kensuke said with slight surprise. _Nuts, I was gonna say that._

_Don't panic, don't panic,_ Freakazoid said, _this is good. __Definitely__ agree with her on this!_

"I, er, actually feel the same," Kensuke said.

_All right, now ask her..._Freakazoid started to say, shifting to indistinct whispering.

"Maybe next time we could see a movie together?" Kensuke asked, doing his best to ignore the slight beads of sweat starting to appear on his forehead.

"I-I'd really like that," Mayumi answered, with a hint of nervousness.

Before Kensuke could reply, all of a sudden one of the walls of the restaurant exploded, scaring them and the rest of the patrons. When the dust cleared, everyone's eyes widened at the sight of the one who did the deed. Freakazoid was the only one who vaguely recognized the newcomer.

Said newcomer was an alien-looking brute, wearing gunmetal grey armor over a powerfully-muscled frame. Breaking up the monotony of the armor's color were spiked shoulder pads, a loin guard, and shin guards all colored a deep blue. On his head was a helmet with a visor that had a pair of predatory yellow eyes behind it, an angled vent over the mouth, and spikes that pointed straight upwards around the back of his head. Held in its hands was a strange-looking black and red rifle. As an additional unsettling detail, hanging on the belt holding the loin guard were skulls that strangely resembled those of certain cartoon animals.

_Oh, FUDGE!_ Freakazoid exclaimed.

_Any idea who this guy is?_ Kensuke worriedly asked.

_'Fraid so,_ Freakazoid replied. _I dealt with someone like him years ago, called himself the Nerdator!_

_Nerdator? What's a Nerdator?_ Kensuke asked.

_Alien hunter,_ Freakazoid answered. _Hunts nerds. It's right in the name. But this guy looks a bit different than the one I fought. I didn't think there'd be more of them..._

"To all the nerds currently dining," the new Nerdator started to say, "I suggest you quickly take care of your checks, let alone not even think about ordering dessert." The Nerdator then began zapping any nerdy patrons left and right, causing them to disappear before multiple astonished eyes. On seeing this, Kensuke and Mayumi quickly ducked under their table.

"What do we do?!" Mayumi asked in a panic.

_What she asked,_ Kensuke thought to Freakazoid. _I can't risk transforming here, I'll expose us both!_

_Definitely quite a pickle we're in,_ Freakazoid noted. _And you got a point here, I'm with ya on wanting to try keeping a secret identity here, but we still gotta do something...Wait, I know! I've got an idea, but you'll need to trust me on this one, pal._

_What is it?_ Kensuke asked.

_Let me warn you, it'll mean getting Mayumi involved,_ Freakazoid said. _I mean REALLY involved._

_How?!_ Kensuke worriedly asked. Freakazoid then whispered his idea, which made Kensuke's eyes widen. _Holy-!_

_Later, right now you gotta get things going!_ Freakazoid urged. _Hurry!_

Kensuke then turned to Mayumi as he quickly scribbled something on a napkin. "Mayumi, I need you to do something, it might be able to help us," he instructed as he handed her the napkin. "I'll distract the guy, while you make a run for it and head to my place. Once there, go to my computer, type this in, and then press the delete key!"

Mayumi was flabbergasted. "How's this going to help?!" she asked confusedly.

"Trust me! It might be the best chance against this guy! Please!" Kensuke answered as he pleaded with her.

"What about you?!" she asked

"I'll be fine, just please do this!" Kensuke said.

When she saw the glint of conviction in his eyes, Mayumi understood and nodded, which he did as well. He then quickly got out from under the table while she fled in the opposite direction for the door.

"Hey! Steel cheeks!" Kensuke taunted before donning a bad Ahnuld imitation. "Come and get me to the choppa!"

The new Nerdator [which, for convenience's sake, I'll be referring to as Nerdator II] turned on hearing Kensuke, unaware of Mayumi's successful exit.

"Just for that butchering of a classic Schwarzenegger line, you're definitely next," Nerdator II said as he pointed the rifle at Kensuke and fired. Kensuke vanished in an instant, leaving the restaurant bereft of any nerdy patrons.

"Heh, never met a nerd, self-professed or not, who could pull off a decent escape," Nerdator II said as he pressed a button on his gauntlet. "Sayonara!" He soon teleported away, much to the shock of the remaining patrons.

**Undisclosed location, moments later...**

Kensuke found himself materializing in a large cage with multiple people in it, and upon seeing his new surroundings, found it was one of many.

"Welcome to the party, Geek-stooge," he heard a familiar voice say. On turning to its source, he found himself face-to-face with Asuka, along with Ritsuko, Maya, and Makoto.

"Sohryu? What're you doing here?" Kensuke asked confusingly. "Dr. Akagi and the other two I get, but how are you-?"

"Hellooo, child prodigy who graduated from college at 14 with a degree in computer engineering _and_ happens to be a big video gamer," Asuka replied sarcastically. "That answer your question regarding my nerdiness?"

"Um, sure...Where are we?" Kensuke asked as he looked around.

"Our best guess? The Nerdator's ship-slash-forward operating base," Makoto replied. "What he plans to do with us, I have no idea."

"That can be remedied," said Nerdator II as he stepped out of the shadows. "We Nerdators travel the galaxy, hunting down and collecting every nerd on whichever planet we visit."

"How come?" Maya asked.

"For their brainpower and knowledge," Nerdator answered as he pointed out the various famous captives in the cages. "And it's not just limited to the fields of science, mathematics, and civics. Think about it: who writes most of the bestselling books and graphic novels that then become source material for award-winning and blockbuster films? _Nerds_. Who writes the screenplays for, or even produces or directs, said films? _Nerds_. Who creates popular and entertaining video games with built-in micro-transactions that keep players coming back for more? _Nerds_. Who has the necessary knowledge and understanding to strip-mine past intellectual properties to fuel the pop cultural reboot and remake machine? _Nerds_. Who creates all the technological innovations that most of those forms of popular entertainment can only be accessed through? _Nerds_. And most of all, who keeps the most powerful paramilitary organization on the planet running smoothly in order to ensure humanity's survival, so it can continue to buy up all those technological innovations and enjoy all that entertainment? Why, no one but _nerds_."

"Hold on a minute there, smart guy," Asuka started to say skeptically. "How come you didn't take Commander Ikari then? He's gotta be a _huge_ nerd if he's running an outfit like NERV."

"Uh, Asuka, the commander's not a nerd," Ritsuko said as she corrected the redhead, before adding a tinge of venom to her voice. "He's a bully with a brain."

"Oh, yeah, good point," Asuka said, remembering that particular aspect of the commander. "Then what about Elon Musk? How come he's not in your collection?"

"Also not a nerd," Maya replied. "He's more of a tech bro crossed with a mannequin."

"That's right, I forgot," Asuka said as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"And, without nerds balancing the scales of global society," Nerdator II continued, "the world's governments will stumble about aimlessly, attempting to get by under the leadership of either vapid airheads or ignorant boobs. Meanwhile, I myself will drain the knowledge and intellect of every nerd here, and upload it to my own brain, transforming myself into the most intelligent life-form on this world, which I will then take control of in the name of the Nerdator Empire!"

"Hang on a sec!" Kensuke started to say, having gotten some quick insight from Freakazoid. "I read somewhere that Earth was previously visited by a Nerdator-how come he didn't succeed?"

"Because," Nerdator II started to answer, "he was thwarted in his attempts by the one called Freakazoid. According to his mission log from that time, Freakazoid stopped him by pointing out to him the so-called 'downsides' of being a nerd-lack of coordination, bad skin, pretty girls just wanting to be friends...And he _fell_ for it! He was too gullible, a disgrace to the rest of us Nerdators! I aim to succeed where he failed. Unlike back then, these days nerd-dom has become more accepted by the public at large! Because of that, the super-nerd I become will be more accepted by the masses! Now then, enough exposition-I have some final preparations to take care of, before the great brain drain..." He then headed towards an area full of complex machinery to begin his task.

Kensuke nervously swallowed. _I hope Mayumi comes through..._

**Kensuke's apartment, around the same time...**

Mayumi made it to Kensuke's door in record time, despite not being much of an athlete. She then quickly found where the Aidas usually kept their spare key and opened the door. Once inside, she quickly dashed up to Kensuke's bedroom and booted up his computer. She then took out the napkin and looked at what Kensuke had scribbled on it:

**" [=g3,8d]\&fbb=-q]/hk"**

"Kensuke, I hope you know what you're doing..." Mayumi muttered to herself as she quickly typed in the sequence. Once fully-entered, and having double-checked to see that each key was correct, she then did as Kensuke instructed and pressed the delete key. Suddenly, the screen began to flash brightly, and arcs of static electricity began emanating from the computer. Mayumi then felt herself being pulled towards the screen, as if she were being drawn into it.

"Oh, nutbunnies, what am _I_ doiiiiinnnngggg-!" Mayumi screamed as she was sucked into the screen. The moment she was absorbed, the light and static vanished, and the screen went black. A couple of minutes passed before the screen lit up again, as the vortex of light and static then reappeared around the console, and then proceeded to deposit a figure into the empty room. The figure stood up, fully-revealed.

Said figure was taller than Mayumi, and wore what looked like a blue spandex bodysuit with a pair of white gloves and boots. On her chest was a symbol consisting of a yellow, stylized letter F and an exclamation point over a black ovoid shape. The only skin showing was above the collar, and it was a light blue. The figure's blonde hair stood up and slightly to the side, with a white lightning bolt-shaped streak running through the middle. On the figure's face was a black domino mask and a big, wide grin. She then looked our way as she broke into a riff on a legendary Fats Waller song:

_"Gotta get your old tuxedo pressed,_

_Gotta sew a button on your vest,_

_'Cause tonight you've gotta look your best:_

_Look who's back in toooowwwwnnnn!"_

Getting up from her jazz hands crouch, Freakazette kept looking our way. "Finally! I get to do something in a story for once!" she said excitedly.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Sorry to keep you all waiting, but hope this makes up for it, especially considering the latest additions to our saga!**

**The opening bit riffs on the cold open of ****_Freakazoid's _****fourth episode, which spoofed the 1972 film ****_The Poseidon Adventure_**** (complete with Jeff Bennett doing a great Leslie Nielsen). In this case, I swapped out that film with the legendary anime ****_Space Battleship Yamato_****, better known in the States as ****_Star Blazers_****.**

**The majority of this chapter (and the one to come) is a spiritual sequel to the other segment in ****_Freakazoid's _****11th episode, titled "The Nerdator", which of course parodied the 1987 Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle ****_Predator_****. The title of the chapter riffs on the 1984 film sequel ****_Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo_****.**

**Both Mayim Bialik and Danica McKellar are in fact that smart in real life, especially if the latter's books are anything to go by.**

**_Roxanne, _****the film Freakazoid mentions, was a 1987 Steve Martin vehicle that was a modern update of ****_Cyrano de Bergerac._**

**Mayumi's evening wear is another nod to Mike313's "Dark Lady of Tokyo-3".**

**And finally, this chapter sees the debut of...Freakazette! Originally glimpsed only in the "Freakazoid and Friends" musical number from the show's first episode, she was supposed to star in an episode later in the series called "Enter: Freakazette!" Many speculated that she'd either be the alter-ego of Steff or some previously-unknown cousin of Dexter Douglas. For my story, I opted to go with the former, while tweaking her to reflect how I depicted Freakazoid in this version of events. And she comes out singing the first verse of "Lulu's Back in Town", a diddy written in 1935 by Al Dubin and Harry Warren that, fittingly, was used as the title song for the Warner Bros. animated short ****_Buddy the Gee Man_****. (Many of you might know the song better from when Rachel York-as Wonder Woman foe Circe-sang it in the _Justice League Unlimited _episode "This Little Piggy".)**


	38. Episode 37

**Announcer: "And now we return to 'Super-Wackos of EVA: NERV Freaks Out', in Esperanto where available. And where not available, it's not in Esperanto. There's nothing we can do about that, so don't blame us. We have no control over it. Call your internet provider if there's some sort of a problem, or your local tech support. But if they're not giving you Esperanto and you want Esperanto, that's your problem. Not ours. Don't bug us. Complain to your elected officials or talk radio hosts! Like I'm sure they'd care! Ha! But we don't want to get any letters. Understand? Good! *AHEM* Where was I? Oh, yes-now, back to our story!"**

**Episode 32 - Alien vs. Nerdator**

The newly-reemerged Freakazette took brief stock of her surroundings as she stretched her limbs a bit.

"Whoa, wonder what brought me over to the other side of the world?" she wondered. "'Cause I can _definitely_ see more cherry blossom trees than usual, and last I checked, D.C. didn't have this many."

_Wha-what happened?_ Mayumi asked as she started coming to in Freakazette's own Freakazone.

"Oh, hey there!" Freakazette greeted the bookworm, looking up towards her forehead. "You must be the one I bonded with. It's funny, you're only the first host I've had in decades! And you're a book lover, that's new!"

_How do you know-wait, who are you?!_ Mayumi asked. _And where am I?!_

"Riiight, almost forgot-the name's Freakazette!" the female wacky wonder replied. "And you're in my Freakazone. It's a nice little space I've made in your head where I sometimes go to reflect on things, think profound thoughts, and mostly watch reruns of _The Golden Girls_. Freakazoid's usually got a similar setup with his own host, only he watches reruns of _The Rat Patrol_."

_Wait, are you saying you're like Freakazoid?!_ Mayumi asked with equal parts wonder and confusion.

"Well, I could go fully into the particulars myself, but I'll leave this one to the experts," Freakazette answered before turning our way. "Take it away, Paul!"

**-X-**

The scene then cut to Paul Harvey's desk, the titular broadcaster in his usual position.

"Who is Freakazette? Who is this lightning-topped lady with a powerset, complexion, and fashion sense akin to Freakazoid's?

It was 1996 when this young gal in the blue jumpsuit first appeared on the scene. Dexter Douglas, thought to be a close confidant to Freakazoid, was abducted by the combined criminal cooperative consisting of the Lobe and Eye-of-Newt. Catching wind of his situation, Roddy MacStew and Cosgrove searched for the missing Douglas boy, while Steff found herself plumbing the depths of the internet for answers on, of all consoles, Dexter's. Lightning struck twice when a small butterfly flew in through the window, catching the attention of the Douglas family cat Mr. Chubbikins, who proceeded to chase after the small insect all over the keyboard, just happening to type in the same sequence that led to Dexter's own transformation that fateful day a year prior.

*OH my-there is a _thumbtack_ under my fanny!*

Steff, unknowing of the consequences, pressed the delete key, activating the flaw in the Pinnacle chip and causing the computer to suck her in. A moment later, the computer released a figure back into the bedroom, and Freakazette made her debut. Proving to be just as heroically zany and clever as her male counterpart, she caught up with Roddy and Cosgrove, who'd managed to locate the Lobe and Eye-of-Newt's hideout. Freakazette's appearance took the two villains by great surprise, more so when she freed Dexter, who quickly transformed into Freakazoid. The battle that ensued was over in an instant, and from that day forward, a great crime-fighting partnership was born.

Once powered-down, Steff began to understand Dexter a little bit more, leading to the two of them developing a close relationship, the results of which you have already seen during Freakazoid's brief return to his home country so many chapters ago. Freakazette disappeared alongside Freakazoid when the two of them fought against the Y2K Bug at the end of the millennium, becoming trapped in the internet for a decade and a half, until she was freed in the above paragraph.

And now you know...The Rest of the Backstory. Good day!"

**-X-**

"That fill in the gaps for ya?" Freakazette asked her new 'roommate'.

_Um...definitely,_ Mayumi hesitantly replied, before remembering the problem at the moment. _We'll get settled later! If you're like Freakazoid, then you've gotta help me! My friend was abducted!_

"Really? By who?" Freakazette asked.

_Some big armored alien creep, he had a weird-looking ray gun!_ Mayumi frantically answered.

"Sounds like the Nerdator," Freakazette said as she held her chin and paced the room a bit, from floor to ceiling and back. "But last I heard, Freakazoid stopped him in episode 11."

_Then it's probably another Nerdator_, Mayumi said in turn, _maybe there's an entire race of them!_

"Gotta give you that, there were times when even Freakazoid didn't anticipate sequels," Freakazette said with a wink to us. "But you're right, if it's another Nerdator, then this world's nerd population's in trouble! Let's roll!"

With that, Freakazette zoomed out the window in a flash of lightning and made her way through Tokyo-3. She first checked the Tomoyuki Gardens, which had been declared a crime scene as the police went over everything with a fine-toothed comb. It was here that she got acquainted with Sgt. Kusagabe, who suggested she pop in on NERV, since it'd been reported that three key personnel of the organization had also been taken. The blue-clad wacky wonder then sped off to the nearest Geofront entrance, bypassing most of the security measures.

**Central Dogma, the bridge, that moment...**

While all hands were desperately using every resource at their disposal to find their missing coworkers, with Misato, the commanders, and Shinji and Rei looking on, Freakazette chose that moment to make her presence known in a brief burst of light.

"Evenin', folks, mind if I lend a hand?" she asked as she held a cartoony glove on a stick towards Misato.

As expected, the eyes of nearly everyone widened considerably upon seeing the new arrival.

"There's _another_ one?!" Gendo and Fuyutsuki both wondered with astonishment.

"Oh, boy," Misato uttered, a large sweat drop by her head.

"Who are you?" Shinji inquired.

"'Zette. Freakazette," the superheroine said as she introduced herself. "I take it you've met my colleague, partner and erstwhile boyfriend? About yea high, red suit, crazy hairstyle?"

A look of shock then appeared on Rei's face. "B-boyfriend?" she quietly uttered to herself. The spark of a newly-discovered emotion was beginning to surface in the First Child: jealousy.

_Uh-oh,_ Shinji thought to himself as he noticed Rei's reaction. _Note to self: once this is over, me and Asuka'll need to sit Rei down and help her through this._

"So," Freakazette said as she clapped her hands together, "where'd your staff get taken from?"

Minutes later, Misato, Shinji, and Rei were with Freakazette in the parking garage where Nerdator II had zapped Asuka, Ritsuko and Maya last chapter. Gendo had been too stupefied by the sudden appearance of another being like Freakazoid to do anything to stop them. Freakazette looked over the spot in the garage, 'hmmm'-ing now and then as she looked over every inch of it, leaving the other three puzzled by her behavior. Freakazette then took out a tricorder much like the ones on _Star Trek_ and turned it on, the gizmo's familiar beeping heard in the silence of the garage. Finally, Freakazette stopped in her pacing as she looked over the readings.

"I know what you're all thinking," she started to say before looking our way while pointing to the device. "WHERE did she get this neato-torpedo, authentic, working Starfleet tricorder? Ha-hah! Well, don't fret, 'cause it too can be yours in the next half-hour for the one-time only price of $55.99, with shipping and handling! But wait, there's more, right Tony?"

**-X-**

The scene then cut to the familiar set of many a commercial starring pitchman Anthony Sullivan, himself standing behind a counter with a tricorder in his hand.

"Exactly right, Freakazette!" the British pitchman affirmed as he pointed to other features of the device. "Because not only does this fan-favorite Starfleet tool perform its usual functions of sensing, computing, _and_ recording, but it also comes with its trademark detachable probe AND a genuine leather shoulder strap, all in a complete package for any interplanetary expeditions-"

**-X-**

"Sorry, Tony, gotta cut you off there," Freakazette interrupted as she pointed with her thumb to Misato, Shinji, and Rei. "I've got NERV staff breathing down my neck." She then turned to face the trio.

"So what'd you find?" Misato asked. "Any clues?"

"Well, according to the readings taken," Freakazette began to explain as she fiddled with her tricorder, "there were trace amounts of energy left here by the ray fired at your friends. Once I plug in the specifics into a computer like say, the MAGI, I'll search for the area with the greatest concentration of this type of energy signature."

"Do it!" Misato said as she grabbed Freakazette desperately by the shoulders. "The fate of this world depends on those three being here!"

Shinji and Rei quickly pulled Misato back to calm her down. Moments later, they were all back on the bridge, where Freakazette quickly plugged in the data she'd taken from her scans. Soon, the MAGI was calculating and quantifying away, until finally it hit something and pulled up a map.

"Thought so," Freakazette concluded, "the greatest concentration of that energy is right there-" She proceeded to point at a specific set of coordinates. "-Somewhere near the base of Mt. Fuji. Shades of _Destroy All Monsters_, amIrite?"

Misato then got her phone out, quickly dialed a number, and started speaking into it. "All Section-2 units, we've got possible confirmation of our missing personnel's current location! Meet me in the center of the city and then proceed to the base of Mt. Fuji, on the double!"

Before Misato could say something to Freakazette, the second wacky wonder had already literally bolted in a flash of lighting from Central Dogma and was now heading towards Mt. Fuji.

**The base of Mt. Fuji, minutes later...**

Freakazette soon arrived at her destination, and took a moment to marvel at one of the most famous natural wonders of the world.

"Wow, it's just as majestic in real life," the heroine commented as she quickly snapped a photo with her camera.

_So where's this energy being concentrated?_ Mayumi asked.

"Wherever it is, it's been cleverly hidden," Freakazette responded at her most hammy while starting her search. "And something tells me one wouldn't just walk straight into-" Her train of thought was cut off when she walked face-first into something very solid and metallic with a loud ***CLANG*** and fell flat on her back, star-patterned birds flying and chirping around her dazed face.

_Are you all right?!_ Mayumi asked with concern.

Freakazette quickly shook it off and started looking at the spot where she'd been halted at. She then looked down at the ground and noticed some of the grass looked like it was being pressed flat. Doing a double-take from that to the spot, she then tapped on what looked like thin air, only to hear a metallic sound with each rapping.

"I knew it, this new Nerdator's got a ship, and the ship's got a cloaking device!" Freakazette determined.

_Then how do we get inside when we can't even find the door?_ Mayumi asked.

"What else? We make our own," Freakazette answered with a grin as she took out from behind herself an ACME progressive can opener. Once she pressed the button on its handle, the pulsing, vibrating blade was then sunk into the invisible metal wall and Freakazette proceeded to cut a rectangular opening while twisting the knob to move it along. Once she pushed the slab of metal out of the way, she quietly, carefully sneaked inside and began making her way through the ship/base. Eventually, she found an open doorway and peered around it, discovering it was the room holding all the caged nerds. Nerdator II was over in one corner making some adjustments to his intelligence-absorbing apparatus. She then peered towards one cage in particular, which held the missing NERV staff and Kensuke.

"That guy's Kensuke?" Freakazette softly asked.

_Y-yes,_ Mayumi replied. _Oh, thank goodness he's all right._

"I wouldn't worry too much," Freakazette said, "looks like he's been in good hands ever since bonding with Freakazoid."

_Wait, KENSUKE's Freakazoid?!_ Mayumi said, shocked by what her new 'roommate' just revealed.

"100% guaranteed," Freakazette affirmed. "I can see a very familiar Freak-a-aura emanating from him. If we can get him free, two Freaks have a fighting chance against our geek-gathering friend."

_Then what're we waiting for?_ Mayumi asked.

"Don't wanna rush it," Freakazette replied. "Figure it's better to get him with the element of surprise. I saw a computer room back there, so let's see if we can dig up anything that can help us."

Mayumi nodded, and Freakazette quietly made her way backwards to the aforementioned computer room. She quickly started typing and going through all the data contained within, until finally she came upon something that made her smile with anticipation. It was then that she turned her attention to the other major machine in the room: the teleportation device...

**The prison bloc, moments later...**

"Perfect," Nerdator II said as he finished his final adjustments and turned towards his prisoners. "And now, prepare yourselves...for the mother of all infodumps!" He laughed as he started to turn the apparatus on. Before he could flip a fourth switch, Freakazette zipped in unexpectedly.

"Stop right there with the info dumping!" Freakazette shouted. This caught Nerdator II's attention, along with that of the NERV staff in one of the cages. Two of their number were very surprised in particular.

"There's _another_ one?!" both Asuka and Ritsuko wondered, flabbergasted by Freakazette's appearance.

_She did it!_ Kensuke mentally lauded, _Mayumi came through!_

_All right, Mayumi!_ Freakazoid cheered as he waved a pair of yellow pom-poms.

_So...that's Freakazette?_ Kensuke asked his 'roommate'.

_Yep,_ Freakazoid replied. _Isn't she neat?_

"Another Freakazoid?!" Nerdator II wondered. "Well, it won't matter, for soon I'll have absorbed the knowledge of every nerd on the planet! You're too late!"

"You could say that..." Freakazette said as the sound of machinery humming began to fill the air. "If you didn't count on me whipping up a little surprise!"

Nerdator II's ears perked up at the humming. "That sound-the teleporter! What have you done?!"

"A couple little things," Freakazette said with an overly-sweet tone of voice. "First I accessed your ship's computer to get a quick primer on Nerdators. Then when I found something pretty interesting, I did a little programming of your teleporter to bring a special guest to help liven things up here."

Soon, a column of flashing, glittering light appeared towards the center of the room, and a shape began to emerge within it.

"Turns out Nerdators, as a species, have a natural enemy..." Freakazette hinted at with a grin.

Soon the shape became clearer as the column subsided. All eyes but Freakazette's went wide when they looked upon who it was that she'd teleported in.

The newcomer was a green-skinned, heavy-set alien. He wore a white tank top that couldn't contain his massive belly, with the letters R and L on each respective side of the chest area. He also wore somewhat large shoulder pads, a pair of white gloves, a pair of bluish trunks, and black boots. On his head was a large white helmet with two pink ringed antennae jutting out from the sides, and a stubby antenna on top that looked like the top of a baby bottle. In the center of the helmet's front was a yellow circle with an atom symbol on it. On the alien's face was a very dopey-looking expression, accentuated by a slight overbite.

"Deuuuhhh, IIIII am Bo-Ron," the alien greeted in an equally-dopey voice.

Nerdator II was extremely shocked by this development. "A Baronian?! Here?!"

_Huh, never thought I'd see _that _guy again,_ Freakazoid mused.

Bo-Ron then took notice of Nerdator II, and his face soon contorted into something brimming with animosity. "NNNNNEEERRRRDATOOOOR!" he bellowed as he leaped at Nerdator II with an agility that seemed quite the contrast to his girth.

"Oh, nutbunnies," Nerdator II managed to get out before he and Bo-Ron were caught in a scuffle that was conveniently covered by a cartoony dust cloud. Nerdator II managed to get both his arms above the dust cloud, where he then pressed a button on his gauntlet. This in turn opened up a chamber where a group of robot enforcers emerged, all of whom were heading towards Freakazette. Seeing this, the female wacky wonder zipped over to the cage Kensuke and the NERV staff were in and bent the bars enough for them to get out. Asuka and Ritsuko made a beeline for a weapons rack and armed themselves, while Freakazette kneeled in front of Kensuke.

"Head to the computer room," she urged, "and see if you can get our 'mutual friend' over here." She then winked knowingly, giving Kensuke a hint to what she meant. Kensuke nodded and quickly made a beeline for the hallway. Once he was out of sight, three words left his mouth.

"Ooooh, Freak Out!"

In a flash, Freakazoid was back in the room and joined in the ruckus, as he and Freakazette engaged in fisticuffs with some of the enforcers while Ritsuko and Asuka picked the others off with the blasters they'd taken; all while Bo-Ron and Nerdator II continued to struggle, and Maya and Makoto worked to free the other imprisoned nerds and guide them to the safety of the computer room, which they'd managed to find. Finally, after several more minutes, the fracas was over. Freakazoid and Freakazette wiped the dust from their hands as they looked over their half of the dismantled enforcers, while a smirking Asuka stood triumphantly over hers and Ritsuko's pile, blaster rifle slung over her shoulder. Bo-Ron, for his part, sat atop the defeated Nerdator II, until he noticed the pair of Freaks and smiled. He then got up and walked over to them and ensnared them in a strong bear hug.

"Oooooh, red underwear man! Blue jumpsuit lady!" he said joyfully as he hugged them with a tight grip. "IIIII missed you guys!"

"Nice to see you too, big fella," Freakazoid got out in a slightly-choked voice. Bo-Ron then relaxed his grip and set them down, and they then walked over to Ritsuko and Asuka.

"Think we should check on the others?" Freakazoid suggested. The quartet then headed to the computer room, where Maya and Makoto were waiting for them with the other former prisoners.

"You all right?" Maya asked.

"Don't worry," Ritsuko said. "You should see the other guys." She then held up the tip of her blaster's still-smoking barrel and blew the wisp away coolly.

While Maya sighed with relief, Makoto was the next to speak up. "I think Maya, Dr. Akagi and myself can figure out the teleporter and get everyone here back to where they were snatched from."

"Good luck," Freakazette said, "in the meantime, the Major and co. are probably almost here, so you guys should be able to get back to Tokyo-3."

"Guess we'll see you around then," Ritsuko said as she shook the blonde heroine's hand. The two superheroes then headed out.

Asuka, at that moment, chuckled a bit.

"Something funny, Asuka?" Ritsuko asked.

"Oh, just thinking about how this whole ordeal confirmed we're not alone in the universe," Asuka replied.

On hearing that, Ritsuko began to chuckle herself. "Yeah, you've got a point there. Turns out there's as much unintelligent life as there is intelligent, if Bo-Ron's any indicator."

Meanwhile, Freakazoid and Freakazette went back to check on Bo-Ron, guarding the still-unconscious Nerdator II.

"Thanks for the assist, big guy," Freakazoid said to the large alien.

"Deeeeeuuuuuhhh, noooo proooooblem," Bo-Ron said.

"Think you can stick around for a little bit?" Freakazoid asked. "I got a feeling we might need you again later."

Bo-Ron eagerly nodded 'yes'.

"Great! See ya later!" Freakazoid said as he and Freakazette soon departed in a flash of lightning.

**A couple of blocks from Kensuke's apartment building, moments later...**

The two Freaks arrived at an alleyway where they could have a moment's peace. Once they saw the coast was clear, they took a quick moment to catch up fully with each other.

"'Zoid!" Freakazette said enthusiastically.

"'Zette!" Freakazoid said, likewise.

The two then shared a big kiss that would've made even Bugs Bunny blush.

"Think the kids need a breather?" Freakazoid asked.

"I'm guessing," Freakazette replied with a shrug.

With that, the two of them then stood and said two words simultaneously:

"Freak In!"

In a great flash of light and static, Kensuke and Mayumi stood where Freakazoid and Freakazette, respectively, had been before. The two teens shook their heads to get their bearings again. Mayumi then looked at Kensuke with surprise, while Kensuke himself felt a bit sheepish.

"So...some first date this turned out to be," the otaku said as he absentmindedly scratched the back of his head.

"That was...that was...it was so unbelievable!" Mayumi said with a slight tinge of panic.

"Welcome to my world as of some months ago," Kensuke replied. "You get used to it after a while."

"That's an understatement of the year," Mayumi said. "But now I kind of get an idea of what you go through."

"I'm sorry for dragging you into this," Kensuke apologized. "We were a bit desperate, and you know the thing with superheroes and secret identities..."

"Right," Mayumi said. "And...I'm kind of glad you trusted me enough to do this. Otherwise the world would've had a serious brain drain on its hands."

"If you'd like, I can help you adjust to all this," Kensuke offered. "And...would you still be up for that movie next time?"

Mayumi gave it a bit of thought before she replied. "...Yes, on both counts," she answered with a small smile.

Kensuke returned it with one of his own, before he got slightly serious. "Good. 'Cause there's a lot we need to catch you and your new, er, roommate up on."

_Good thing I've got the slideshows saved!_ Freakazoid chimed in.

_Ooh! I love slideshows!_ Freakazette added.

Both bespectacled teens, as they heard these two statements, looked towards their foreheads as sweat drops appeared by the sides of their heads, before letting out slightly-exasperated sighs.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**And so Nerdator II is defeated, with all the nerds returned to their respective places on Earth, thanks to the timely intervention of the returned Freakazette, and an unexpected returning Freakazoid ally!**

**Speaking of, Bo-Ron (originally voiced by the late, great Stan Freberg) originated in season one, episode 3, where he first appeared under the name Mo-Ron. He next appeared, with the name change, in episode 11's segment "Next Time, Phone Ahead", a parody of ****_E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial._**** His home planet of Barone was named after Barone's, an Italian restaurant and Southern Calfornia institution that the staff and cast of ****_Freakazoid _****frequented. Bo-Ron's last appearance in the show proper was season two's "Freak-A-Panel" in a non-speaking cameo. He would also silently cameo in the final episode of ****_Pinky and the Brain_****, "Star Warners", as the standing bass player of the cantina band made up of himself, Freakazoid (on drums), and Fan Boy (on accordion).**

**The opening of this chapter riffs on the Joe Leahy cold open for episode 5 of season one, in which the announcer gets a bit touchy while delivering a disclaimer about the show being in stereo where available.**

**Freakazette's bit with the tricorder and Anthony Sullivan riffs on Freakazoid's own bit with his binoculars and Joan Rivers in the season one episode "Freakazoid is History!". Sullivan is pretty much the successor to the late Billy Mays.**

**The 1968 Godzilla series entry ****_Destroy All Monsters _****features a climactic battle at the base of Mt. Fuji, where the alien antagonists the Kilaaks had been hiding.**

**Among Bugs Bunny's usual gags was planting big, wet kisses on his antagonists, usually to get them all riled up and, as a result, overconfident.**

**Next time: our heroes versus the Sixteenth Angel! And Armisael's gonna wish he'd stayed in bed...**


	39. Episode 38 - Musical Interlude 6

**Announcer: "...And now, a musical interlude."**

**-X-**

**[Suggested music sans lyrics: "Turning Japanese" by the Vapors.]**

The shot opened on Freakazoid off to the side, like a host for _Saturday Night Live_ introducing a musical guest.

Freakazoid [presenting]: "Ladies and gentlemen, with a little ditty about the ill-fated American version of _Godzilla_, the -Dere Ones!"

Applause ensued as the spotlight fell on the quartet of girls up on stage, dressed like an 80's New Wave band. Each wore a t-shirt with their respective archetype spelled out: Asuka on lead guitar with 'tsundere', Rei on bass with 'kuudere', Hikari on keytar with 'tsun/dan', and Mayumi on drums with 'dandere'. Asuka sang lead vocals on what turned out to be a parody.

Asuka:

**_I saw this picture,_**

**_and I predict you're_**

**_not liking this here_**

**_modern version as well._**

**_Ask the director,_**

**_'who's the protector?'_**

**_Of the original lizard_**

**_we love well._**

**_Although he's burning up_**

**_and knocking down and_**

**_coming up and stepping down..._**

**_This isn't Japanese,_**

**_this movie isn't Japanese,_**

**_It's not from Toho..._**

**_It's not Japanese,_**

**_it's an Amer-i-can release_**

**_starring this yo-yo!_**

[A photo of Hank Azaria is quickly shown.]

**_I would beg you please,_**

**_Godzilla should be Japanese_**

**_if things were equal..._**

**_If everybody sees this _**

**_movie isn't Japanese,_**

**_there'll be no sequel!_**

[Bridge.]

**_If they just wanna_**

**_have an iguana_**

**_whose flaming breath is_**

**_like a barbecued cough..._**

**_That's my aversion_**

**_to this new version_**

**_of the New York_**

**Ferris Bueller's Day Off.**

**_They've got him coming in_**

**_and chowing down and_**

**_looking up and_**

**_locking down..._**

**_But it's not Japanese,_**

**_'Godzilla' isn't Japanese,_**

**_He's more Jurassic..._**

**_Got 'em on their knees,_**

**_but this film isn't Japanese,_**

**_he's blocking traffic!_**

**_Though there was a tease,_**

**_this movie isn't Japanese,_**

**_not wholly Asian..._**

**_Everyone agrees, this_**

**_movie isn't Japanese,_**

**_it's more Caucasian..._**

**_No grins, no fins,_**

**_no dubbed-in voices,_**

**_no rub-ber suits,_**

**_and where are all_**

**_the toy tanks...?_**

**_Everyone's a bit actor,_**

**_you always glimpse them,_**

**_half the people in this film_**

**_worked on _The Simpsons_-_**

Mr. Burns voice:

**Excellent.**

Asuka:

**_But-this-film isn't Japanese._**

**_Godzilla fans, you can't appease,_**

**_with an iguana..._**

**_Turn 90 degrees, and give us_**

**_something Japanese, but you don't wanna..._**

**_'Zilla's' Japanese, and if not why'd_**

**_you pay the fees to folks at Toho?_**

**_Everybody sees Godzilla's only Japanese,_**

**_no gecko you'd throw!_**

This led off into a guitar solo from Asuka that concluded the set, and the girls were met with applause as they took their bows.

**-X-**

**Announcer: "This concludes our musical interlude. We now return to our story."**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Our musical interlude this time comes from a 2010 broadcast of ****_Svengoolie_**** where the title host showed the oft-maligned 1998 TriStar version of the King of the Monsters, which in turn inspired the much-better animated spin-off TV show ****_Godzilla: The Series_****. A recurring bit with ****_Svengoolie _****sees the title host sing a short parody tune inspired by the movie he's showing. (One such example was an Ace of Base spoof when he showed ****_Plan 9 from Outer Space, _****or a riff on the theme from ****_The Monkees _****when they played 1972's ****_Night of the Lepus_****.)**


	40. Episode 39

**Announcer: "The following chapter of "Super-Wackos of EVA: NERV Freaks Out" consists of 60% recap of prior events and 40% new content. The decision was made to go this route to save both time and money, because the producers are just that cheap. Also, this recap chapter will be called a 'recapter' for short, and we are aware that it's not a real word, but we don't care, so take that, Webster's and Oxford's English Dictionaries! *AHEM* And now, our story continues."**

**Episode 33 - The Basil Exposition Productions Recapter**

The sun had yet to creep over the horizon as the group of five waited next to the blue Alpine-Renault. Kaji, Misato, Ritsuko, Maya and Makoto were meeting up with someone to discuss a plan of action to thwart Gendo Ikari and SEELE's ambitions, and had been thankfully drinking coffee miles better than the swill served at NERV HQ. (The additional box of donuts was a nice added touch.) All the while, the five of them chatted, until a rustling was heard in some bushes nearby. Misato quietly motioned for Kaji to be at the ready, the two of them already with their hands at their holsters.

"All right, come on out!" Misato ordered. "We know you're there, so show yourselves right now!"

On hearing that, three more faces emerged from the bushes as Shinji, Asuka, and Rei came forward.

"What're you guys doing here?" Maya asked.

"Funny, we could ask the same of you," Asuka replied. "If it's about what I _think_ it is, the three of us want in."

"Asuka, we have no idea what you-" Kaji started to say.

"We _know_ the secrets of our EVAs, Kaji," Asuka interrupted.

The eyes of the adults widened a bit upon hearing this.

"What _exact_ secrets?" Ritsuko asked.

"Oh, the fact that the reason we're able to sync with them is because the souls of our mothers are inside the cores," Shinji nonchalantly replied. "Among other things."

"Got it right from the source, to answer any forthcoming questions," Asuka added, arms folded.

The adults then looked at each other for a moment, and, realizing the kids were definitely within their depth on this, let out a collective sigh.

"All right, you can join us," Misato said. "Hopefully when our contact gets here, there'll be some additional room in their car." She then noticed there was an additional face among them, specifically nestled in Rei's arms. "Pen-Pen couldn't watch him?"

"He was still asleep when we followed you earlier," Rei replied as the little furry bundle she was holding let out a soft 'mew'.

Ritsuko's face lit up the minute she noticed who it was they were referring to in Rei's arms. "Is that...?" she started to ask.

"Yes, this is Kablooie," Rei said as she held out the kitten to the scientist.

Once Ritsuko was holding Kablooie, her mask immediately slipped off, if the big smile that emerged on her face didn't give them enough of a clue.

"Ooooh look at the cute little kitty-kat!" she said as she gushed all over the kitten. "Look at the teeny face! You have sweet meats in you, don't you? Little sweet meats inside you, if I hug you they're gonna come out! Little sweet, sweet, sweets! Make a sweet face! Gimme nuzzy-nuzz-!"

She stopped after noticing, out of the corner of her eye, everyone was staring at her in utter bewilderment while she nuzzled Kablooie against her cheek.

"*AHEM* Sorry," she said as she attempted to regain some of her dignity while handing Kablooie back to Rei.

At that moment, the group heard the sound of an engine roaring, which belonged to the vehicle that pulled up beside them...a vehicle that turned out to be the Freakmobile.

"Morning!" Freakazoid and Freakazette greeted as they hopped out.

_Man, what an hour to be up,_ Kensuke said within the Freakazone with a yawn.

_Ditto_, Mayumi blearily concurred.

"He's your contact?" Misato wondered as she looked at Kaji.

"There's a lady variant?" Kaji wondered in turn, as this was the first time he'd seen Freakazette.

"And great, the kids are here too!" Freakazette noted. "Looks like we've got everyone we need, all that's left is to head to the Freakalair."

"All right folks, the kids'll hop in the back of the Freakmobile with us," Freakazoid stated as if he were outlining procedures on a passenger flight, "while the rest of you pile into the major's car." He then started handing out blindfolds to all but Freakzette (including a tiny one for Kablooie). "Once you buckle in, please put on your blindfolds so that we can maintain secrecy regarding the Freakalair's location. Don't ask me why, that's how it worked when Batman and Robin teamed up with Scooby and the gang."

"_Waitaminute_," Misato started to say, "how can I even drive to the place then?"

"Simple-you won't," Freakazette answered.

"We'll tow ya along with the Freakmobile," Freakazoid added reassuringly. "Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

With that, the NERV folk shrugged and piled into each respective vehicle and quickly put their blindfolds on. Once everyone was buckled in, Freakazoid and Freakazette hopped back into the Freakmobile, where the former gunned the engine and soon zoomed off (the Alpine-Renault in tow) to the cave entrance on the outskirts of Old Hakone. Once they were a good distance inside the cave, they stopped atop a platform. Freakazoid gave the word for everyone to disembark and remove their blindfolds, with the non-supers surprised to be in a cave. As soon as everyone got out of the vehicles, said vehicles were then lowered on the platform into another area of the Freakalair below, Freakazette waving as she descended with them.

"Okay, where do we go from here?" Makoto asked as he looked around.

Freakazoid grinned before answering. "Now we head to the Freakalair proper via the Freak-a-fall."

The NERV folk looked at one another confusedly before responding simultaneously: "Freak-a-fall?"

The minute they said that, what looked to be a train of roller coaster cars appeared on a track that emerged from the other direction, while one of the cave walls opened up. Freakazoid hopped into the front car with Rei and Kablooie next to him, followed by Misato and Kaji in car #2, Maya and Ritsuko in #3, Shinji and Asuka in #4, and Makoto in #5.

"All righty then, everyone lower and lock the bars in front of you," Freakazoid instructed as everyone did just that, with the cars starting to move towards the opening, "and here-we-goooo!"

Soon the cars rolled along the track into quite the drop, with everyone but Rei and Freakazoid screaming with surprise. If some of them weren't feeling entirely awake before, they certainly were now. The cars went through all sorts of twists, turns and loops before finally they arrived at the end, with a photo-finish supplied by the waiting Freakazette. The NERV folk slowly got out of the cars as the bars lifted automatically, while Freakazette then handed each of them their complimentary souvenir photos, each capturing the looks on their faces. When the NERV folk finally regained their bearings, they stood wide-eyed and gaped at the new environment they'd stepped into.

"Ladies and gentlemen, and kitties, welcome to the Freakalair!" Freakazoid presented, his arms spread outward.

Each NERV member looked around in equal amounts of awe and bewilderment.

"This is..." Ritsuko started to say.

"...One of the strangest superhero HQ's I've ever seen," Makoto finished.

"Technically, it's the only one you've ever seen," Asuka chimed in. "In real life, at least."

The group then proceeded to follow the two Freaks to a big meeting table on a lower level, where two large monitor screens were present. Each took a seat, finding the chairs pretty comfortable.

"You all have breakfast, by the way?" Freakazette asked. "Can't make plans to derail an insidious conspiracy or two on an empty stomach, you know!"

The NERV folk mumbled a bit of a response that amounted to 'not a big one'.

"Say no more, we've got plenty of options!" Freakazoid said as he pulled a cord hanging beside him. On doing that, a bowl, spoon, and napkin appeared in front of each NERV member (along with a small saucer of milk for Kablooie). Freakazoid and Freakazette then pulled out a quintet of cereal boxes, each with an oddball character on the front: a brown-clad caped vampire, a red and magenta patchwork man, a blue bow tie-and-hat wearing ghost, a mummy wrapped in multicolored gauze, and a cartoony werewolf. "We've got Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo Berry, Yummy Mummy, and Fruit Brute. Help yourselves!" After setting the boxes down on the table, he then pulled another cord that triggered the appearance of some nozzles that lowered from the ceiling. "Just press the button next to your spoons when you're ready to add milk."

Taking quick notice of those same buttons, the others shrugged and started helping themselves to some of the retro Halloween-themed cereals, adding milk as soon as their bowls were filled. Soon everyone was munching on their respective bowls of breakfast cereal from a bygone era, just in time for their little meeting to start. And start it did, when the two monitors came to life as R.O.D.D.Y. and Naoko joined the group.

"Mornin', lads n' lassies!" the digital Scotsman greeted. "Nice ta see some new and returnin' faces here."

"Good morning, Ritsuko," Naoko greeted. "And Misato, it's been a while since we last met."

Both Misato and Maya's eyes went wide, and their mouths hung open, as they looked from Naoko to Ritsuko for answers, the spoonfuls of cereal they were about to eat hanging in mid-air.

"*Sigh* Basically," Ritsuko began to explain, "the accident that supposedly killed my mother rendered her body comatose while her mind got uploaded and split into the three main components of the MAGI. The body was put into Unit-00, and it's her vengeful soul that's in the EVA's core, hence why it's been hard for Rei to work with it for so long."

Speaking of the First Child, she herself was quite shocked by the appearance of Naoko. Naoko was quick to assuage whatever worries she had.

"Hello Rei," the digitized scientist greeted, "it's been an even longer time since we spoke. Just to set your mind at ease, I don't hold anything against you-Gendo used you to bait me, and I fell for it. I'm sorry for how I reacted back then-I hope we can start over, if that's okay."

"I...thank you, I would not mind that," the bluenette hesitantly replied, surprised by how her reintroduction to the former head of Project-E was going, which was quite unexpectedly. Before she could say anything else, Misato steered the conversation back a bit to something Ritsuko mentioned in her explanation.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, back up," the major started to ask her longtime friend, "we now know who's in the cores of Units 00 through 02, but what about 03 through 05?"

"What runs those Units is a system that was sort of a reverse forerunner to the dummy system," Ritsuko answered. "Think of them as 'dummy cores'. I can honestly say that no human souls were harmed in the making of those EVAs."

"If you say so," Misato slightly grumbled to herself as she stuck another spoonful of cereal in her mouth.

"So, since wee're all here, let's get down ta brass tacks," R.O.D.D.Y. suggested. "We're gonna be pullin' the upset of the century here, so we gotta make sure we do it right!"

"Right!" Freakazoid agreed. "Which is why I think we're all due for a long-awaited note comparing, hence this early morning jamboree."

A series of nods were exchanged among the NERV members in agreement.

"So!" began Freakazette, "how much do each of you know about our current sitch?"

"Well," Shinji started to answer, "like Asuka and I said earlier, we learned everything, and I mean _everything_, from our moms while we went through some recent sync tests-the real truth behind Second Impact, SEELE's plan for instrumentality..."

"What the EVAs really are," Asuka continued as she counted off on her fingers, "how our moms and those of a couple others presently here got involved..."

"And how my fath-_the Commander_ plans to double-cross SEELE and take control of instrumentality so he can be with my mom again," Shinji bitterly finished, "the rest of the world be darned."

Misato, Kaji, and Makoto's eyes went wide on hearing this, the three almost looking like they'd spit their milk and cereal out. Thankfully, they showed some restraint and swallowed before a mess could be made.

"Well, that's news to me," Kaji said as he cleared his throat a bit after that hastened swallow. "I always wondered what Ikari was really after, but..."

"Did you know about this, Rits?" Misato asked.

The scientist nodded her head. "I realized whatever thing we had between us wasn't real some time ago," Ritusko explained, "but at the time, I didn't see any way out of being party to his plans."

Shinji grew really surprised at that statement. "Wait, you and my father-?"

"Were involved with each other," Ritsuko answered, "emphasis on past tense."

"Same with myself," Naoko added, "we began seeing each other after your mother's absorption into Unit-01. But it was all a lie, one that I believed for a while, until it was too late."

"Man, did Anno watch a lot of _As the World Turns_ or something?" Freakazoid wondered in whisper while addressing us briefly as he pointed to the conversation.

"A short while after my mother's accident," Ritsuko continued, "he started gradually putting the same moves on me." She then looked at Maya, who gave her a reassuring smile back. "Thanks to Maya, I've been putting that ugly chapter of my life behind me." She then gave Freakazoid a thankful look. "If it weren't for you throwing a whole hardware store's worth of wrenches into his scheming, I don't think I'd be here saying this."

"Glad to hear it," Freakazoid said as he ate another spoonful of cereal. "There's still something that's got me puzzled though."

"What's that?" Makoto asked.

"Twice so far," the male wacky wonder elaborated, "I've been getting hints that something's different about SEELE's plans. It started when Boa-Magnon-"

"Who?" Maya asked.

"Mercenary lady, hired to hunt me down," Freakazoid explained. "She's the daughter of two of my former archvillains, Cave Guy and Cobra Queen. Light blue skin, built like an amazon, wears leopard-print jungle-wear, speaks very upper-crusty-"

Shinji, Asuka, and Rei's eyes widened upon hearing that description.

"Holy _schnike_," Asuka said, "that's Ms. Mumphry!"

"Who?" Ritsuko asked.

"Ms. Mumphry," Shinji answered, "she became our substitute teacher weeks ago!"

Misato turned back to Freakazoid. "Why am I just hearing about a highly-skilled mercenary infiltrating the school my charges attend _now_?"

"Relax," Freakazoid answered with a slightly-dismissive handwave, "we've got a truce going on, after I told her what her employers were really up to. She says she'll help when the time's right."

"R.O.D.D.Y. and I double-checked her profile on WikiMercs," Freakazette added, "she's one of those honorable hunter-types, so we should be fine."

"ANYWAY, like I was saying," Freakazoid continued, picking up where he'd left off, "the last time Boa-Magnon and I chatted, she told me that right now SEELE's not being led by Lorenz Kihl, and whoever's running things hired her in the first place and then sent the Lobe after me. All I keep getting are hints, and I'm still not closer to finding out who this new leader is."

Kaji smirked a bit before he spoke. "I can fill in that blank," the agent started to say, "all thanks to our good Commander. He's the one who divulged the new leader's identity to me after the 14th Angel was beaten."

Freakazoid, Freakazette, and even R.O.D.D.Y. looked at Kaji with surprise.

"Who is it?! Spit it out already!" Freakazoid urged in a dramatically-hammy fashion.

"According to the Commander," Kaji explained, looking around at everyone else, "a short while after the 12th Angel was defeated and caught, when the SEELE council met to discuss the aftermath, they were met by an intruder, who somehow sucked Kihl into a laptop and sent him who knows where. That intruder was one of the world's top most wanted criminals: Armando Gutierrez."

Freakazoid and Freakazette's jaws dropped on hearing that familiar name. "Gutierrez?!" they both wondered.

Ritsuko nodded her head. "I can confirm Kaji's story," the scientist said. "I was there with Fuyutsuki when Gutierrez revealed himself to the Commander. He laid down the law, as it were, when it came to SEELE and NERV under his leadership. One of the first things he did when he took over was to cancel the Human Instrumentality Project."

Once again, all present grew very surprised looks on their faces.

"Looks like we'll need to update our moms next time we synch," Asuka said.

"Okay, so SEELE's-well, SEELE under Kihl's-plan is totally kaput," Misato said next. "That's great, right? Then we just have to stop the Commander's."

"Except it's _still_ not gonna be quite that easy, missy," R.O.D.D.Y. responded.

"If I know him as well as I do, Gutierrez is bound to have some bigger plan that'll be just as bad," Freakazoid. "Trust me, he is one highly devious guy."

"How devious are we talking?" Shinji asked.

"Oy, where do I begin..." Freakazoid said as he started counting off on his own fingers, "He tried to make a tidy profit by hiding the flaw in the computer chip that created me, then tried to harness the power within that flaw for himself in an attempt to get revenge, threatened to vaporize the world if I didn't allow myself to be used as the basis for his 'Freak-a-clone' so he could ruin my reputation...the usual stuff. Oh yeah, AND he was behind the initial cancellation of _Futurama_."

Makoto, Maya, and Ritsuko shrank a bit on hearing that. "Now THAT'S just evil..." Maya said with a grimace.

"You're telling us," Freakazette said in turn, "and we've been fighting him longer than anyone else has."

"So, asking again for a friend," Makoto started to say, "where do we go from here? On the one hand we've got an evil plot we _do_ know about that we _are_ capable of stopping...but on the other hand, there's Gutierrez and whatever he's got in store when all the Angels are defeated, of which there's still two to come."

"Leave the Gutierrez thing to me," Kaji proposed. "Finding out and undermining whatever he's working on is something that really involves spycraft, which _is_ my trade, if my membership packet for Global 33 is any indicator." The others stared at Kaji confusedly on hearing that last statement. "It's the Asian-Pacific chapter of the worldwide espionage union. You _didn't_ hear that from me, though," he elaborated. _Which reminds me-note to self: union dues are coming up..._

"I'll give him a hand where I can," Naoko volunteered. "Being the main MAGI gives me nearly-unfettered access to the global MAGI network."

"Sounds like a plan," Misato said. "In the meantime, the rest of us should keep up appearances around HQ." She then turned to the pilots. "I know you're thinking you want to do more to help us, but right now the best thing you can do is keep piloting and help take down the remaining two Angels. Let us handle the more down-to-earth matters."

The three pilots nodded affirmatively.

"Aye, and wee'll give ye a hand all the way," R.O.D.D.Y. added. "We'll also work on settin' up proper precautions before either Gutierrez or Gendo can whip out any wee surprises of their own."

Everyone agreed with that sentiment. By the time they'd finished, their bowls were empty and had been whisked away. At that point, everyone got up from the table, since in about 45 minutes it'd be time for the adults to report in to work. Thankfully, Freakazoid showed them a shortcut in via the door that opened above Lilith's cross in Terminal Dogma. Naoko would loop any security footage to absolve them of having entered HQ through the normally off-limits sector. The kids, on the other hand, made their way to the vehicle hangar so they could be dropped off at school. (Misato's car would be secretly put in its usual parking spot in the Geofront.) Along the way, Shinji and Asuka stopped Freakazoid and Freakazette for a moment.

"Been meaning to ask, Rei feeling okay?" Freakazoid asked. "She's been pretty quiet for almost the entire time."

"Well, about that..." Shinji hinted at, before whispering the details into Freakazoid's ear. Freakazoid nodded when he realized what the Third Child was telling him.

"You and Asuka go on ahead and wait in the Freakmobile," the male wacky wonder instructed. "Me and 'Zette will take it from here." Shinji and Asuka nodded at this and proceeded to head further on, while the two Freaks then spoke to Rei.

"You doing okay, Rei?" Freakazette asked.

"I...I am fine, thank you," Rei replied, trying to avoid looking them in the eyes.

"It's okay, you don't have to fib," Freakazoid said as he kneeled down and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Shinji explained what's up. Listen, Rei, teenage crushes are like Tomagatchis: they're fun for a while, but eventually you get over them when the next big thing comes along. (Or when the batteries die out, either way...)"

"Think about Asuka for a minute," Freakazette said as she pointed to the redhead in the distance. "You know about her longtime crush on Kaji, but look what happened after she and Shinji got together. No love lost between them, right?"

Rei, beginning to see the blue-clad heroine's point, nodded 'yes'.

"Then don't worry about it!" Freakazoid said with a smile. "We can still be friends, can't we?"

"I-I guess we can," Rei answered, a small smile beginning to appear on her face. "I would very much like that."

"Besides, I'm sure you'll find somebody," Freakazette added. "I mean come on, blue's the favorite color of nearly everyone in the world."

"That is true," Rei said in turn. "I did once see that a survey from Dulux Paints had confirmed such a statistic."

"Glad we could clear this up," Freakazoid said as he stood back up. "Now come on-let's get you and the others to school. Don't wanna keep Ms. Mumphry waiting!"

With that, the three of them rejoined Shinji and Asuka at the Freakmobile as they all piled in. Soon they were Tokyo-3-bound, and the pilots were dropped off within a block of the school building. Freakazoid and Freakazette then zoomed off so they could change shifts with Kensuke and Mayumi without arousing suspicion.

As they got closer to the school, both Shinji and Asuka then realized something.

"Hang on a sec, you've still got Kablooie with you!" Shinji pointed out.

"And we don't have any time to get him back to your place. How're you going to explain this?" Asuka asked.

Rei gave this some thought for a moment, before she got an idea.

"Simple," the bluenette replied with a tiny smile. "I will say that this is my therapy kitten."

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**I hate to pull the 'clip show' card on you all, but whether people like them or not, they are good for when creatives need a bit of time to refill their font of imagination.**

**The title of the chapter refers to Basil Exposition, Michael York's recurring character from the ****_Austin Powers _****movies who was known for his tendency to explain everything one just witnessed in the preceding scene.**

**Ritsuko's gushing over Kablooie is based on Freakazoid doing the same to the title animal of the season one segment "Foamy the Freakadog". It's also a small nod to the fanfic 'Rei Vs Cats' by author pheonixspike.**

**The team-up Freakazoid refers to is the two episodes of the 1972 Scooby-Doo franchise entry ****_The New Scooby-Doo Movies_****, where the Mystery Inc. gang would team up with celebrities or other characters. When they join forces with the Dynamic Duo, it usually involves a plot concocted by the Joker and the Penguin. Those episodes would later be paid tribute to via ****_Batman: The Brave and the Bold_****, with the episode "Bat-Mite Presents: Batman's Strangest Cases", and the 2018 direct-to-DVD feature ****_Scooby-Doo and Batman: The Brave and the Bold_****.**

**The Freak-a-fall's only appearance was in the season one segment "Next Time, Phone Ahead".**

**The cereals our heroes eat were all a line made by General Mills that debuted in 1971, and have reappeared usually around Halloween as a special limited release.**

**Freakazoid, when listing off Gutierrez's plots, recounts the villain's major appearances in season one's "The Chip" saga and "The Wrath of Gutierrez", and season two's "Heroboy".**

**A 2011 Dulux Paints survey did in fact confirm that 72% of respondents did have blue as their favorite color.**


	41. Episode 40

**Episode 34 - Why Armisael Should've Stayed in Bed Today**

"This is indeed quite troublesome."

Those were the words said by Gutierrez to Gendo, as they were in the middle of another meeting with the rest of the Committee.

"Agreed," Gendo replied. "The unexpected arrival of this...Freakazette was another thing we were highly unprepared for. Given your own familiarity with her and the male counterpart, knowing ahead of time would have been very useful."

"Unfortunately, no one can truly predict the future," Gutierrez stated. "Except for the Angels, in which case the Dead Sea Scrolls are capable of such, incomplete as they are. Speaking of which, if I remember my most recent review of their contents, the second-to-last Angel should be arriving sometime today."

Before anyone could say anything else, the phone on Gendo's desk rang. Gendo immediately picked it up.

"Fuyutsuki, we're in the middle of a meeting here," Gendo said. "...All right. I'll be along shortly." He then hung up the phone. "It seems your consultation was correct. The 16th Angel is currently drawing near. We shall continue the discussion of the Freakazette development at another time."

"Indeed, we shall," Gutierrez replied. _If your seat is still waiting for you, that is, my scheming friend..._

**A wooded road next to Tokyo-3, around the same time...**

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes," Misato said into her phone as she quickly drove towards NERV HQ. "Launch all EVAs from numbers 32 through 35 and have them stand by. Over and out." She then hung up her phone as she took a quick glance outside the passenger-side window, where in the distance she could see what looked like a large, glowing double-helix ring floating above the tree line.

Minutes later, all four EVAs were rocketed to the surface at the intercept point. They then got in cover positions as they slowly made their way towards the ring, eventually coming to a stop.

"Target hovering over Ohwakudani, continuing to rotate in place," Shigeru reported.

"Target's AT-Field is active," Makoto followed up. At that moment, the doors to the bridge opened as Misato finally arrived.

"Everything all right?" Ritsuko asked her friend.

"Slight traffic issue, no big," Misato replied before turning her attention to the situation at hand. "Status?"

"Nothing but a staredown at the moment," Shigeru reported. "Well, staredown if that thing had any visible eyes."

Something on Makoto's screen suddenly caught his notice. "Pattern cycling from blue to orange!"

"What's that mean?" Misato asked.

"MAGI indicates no solution," Maya reported. "Not enough data at the moment."

"There is one clue we've just gotten though," Ritsuko grimly stated. "It means the shape the Angel's currently in isn't a fixed form."

Misato nodded before speaking to the pilots via the comms. "Hear that, guys? Don't make any moves for the moment-strictly observation until it blinks first."

Toji's eyes widened before he replied. "Uh, Misato-I think it's a little late for that..."

"I've got movement!" Asuka reported.

"It's coming..." Rei softly said.

At that moment, Armisael, the 16th Angel, shifted its form as the double-helix pattern began to contract, until it was a solid ring. Then it split at two ends and took on a more serpentine countenance, as one end then made its way to a target-Rei, and Unit-00...

"Rei, look out!" Misato shouted into the comms.

"No good," Makoto said alarmingly, "she won't be able to dodge in time!"

Sure enough, Armisael had pierced Unit-00's AT-Field, the forward tip sticking itself into the blue colossus's abdomen. Rei, with her EVA's free hand, tried to grip the slender Angel and hold it still while it fired off rounds into it, to no avail. Soon, weird growths began to appear on the abdomen as Armisael continued to dig in.

"Ah, nutbunnies!" Misato muttered under her breath. "Status of Unit-00?"

"In physical contact with the target," Shigeru reported.

"AT-Field's holding, but the more the Angel connects, the more eroded it becomes!" Maya added.

"Could it be trying to make first contact...?" Ritsuko wondered.

Within the entry plug, Rei soon began to feel the Angel's progress as she began to get some very unusual goosebumps.

"This is...most unpleasant..." she said with a wince.

"The Angel's digging into Unit-00's organics!" Maya alerted the crew.

"All Units, move in and get that thing off Rei!" Misato ordered.

"Yes, ma'am!" Shinji, Asuka, and Toji responded as they immediately moved into action. Each of their EVAs grabbed a portion of the Angel, but it wouldn't budge. Soon, what was happening to it was happening to the rest of them.

Misato gritted her teeth ever so slightly as she watched with trepidation. _C'mon, Freakazoid, any time now..._

**The streets of Tokyo-3, earlier...**

Freakazoid and Freakazette were along in their patrol, having dealt with a hijacking, a couple of attempted jewelry store robberies, and a cable company attempting to rip off a retirement home with exorbitant price estimates. Soon enough, they passed by a familiar police car.

"Hey Freakazoid, Freakazette," Sgt. Kusagabe greeted. "Wanna go to Megumi Reinard's autograph session?"

Both Freaks smiled wide as they looked at each other briefly. "DO WE?!" they enthusiastically replied.

_Does this happen a lot?_ Mayumi asked incredulously via 'landline' between the two Freakazones.

_Oh yeah,_ Kensuke answered with a slightly-exasperated sigh. _Don't even get me started..._

Minutes later, the three of them were at an anime specialty shop where a table had been set up for the guest of honor. A smiling Megumi Reinard carefully but quickly autographed a photo-collage of herself surrounded by her well-known characters and then handed it to Freakazette, the last of the trio to get hers.

"Thanks!" Freakazette said gleefully as she waved goodbye, the voice actress returning her wave and smile with her own. The three of them then exited the store, passing by the long line out the door.

"Man, meeting her was so cool! To see the lady behind so many memorable characters!" Freakazoid gushed.

"I know!" Freakazette said in turn. "And she's just as funny in real life!"

"Yeah, and she's quite a cutie," Kusagabe commented. "She reminds me of that one American voice actor, Tara Strong. Also a cutie. By the way, there's some large glowing ring flying over the woods on the other side of town. May be worth checking it out."

"You think so?" Freakazoid asked. "Could be a new type of sky-writing campaign."

"Anything else we should know?" Freakazette asked.

"Oh yeah, one other little thing," Kusagabe added. "It was a flying glowing double-helix ring, I'd heard."

The two Freaks looked at each other before saying the same thing: "_Definitely_ an Angel."

"Let's get a move on!" Freakazoid shouted dramatically and with no small amount of ham, as he and Freakazette soon sped off in their usual 'flying' runs. While they ran through the streets of downtown, Freakazette summoned the Freakmobile via remote and it soon zoomed from the Freakalair to meet them. The two hopped in and Freakazoid took the wheel. R.O.D.D.Y. and Naoko then appeared (in split-screen format) on the small monitor on the Freakmobile's dashboard.

"What do we have, guys?" Freakazette asked.

"The 16th Angel's shown little sign of movement so far, but the EVAs are already being deployed topside," Naoko answered.

"I'm sendin' the Freakazord your way, just ta be on the safe side," R.O.D.D.Y. added. "Good luck to ye both, but don't get cocky. These beasties have been full o' many a surprise than we'd imagined."

"Well then, I guess we're just gonna have to keep on surprising _them_," Freakazoid said with a smirk as he flipped a few switches.

These in turn caused the Freakmobile to shift into its flying configuration as it took off from the street and into the sky. Soon it met up with the approaching Freakazord, and then underwent another transformation while being pulled towards the robot's back, which had opened into a corresponding compartment. Soon the two freaky machines linked, and the Freakazord now had a power-pack boosting its already considerable might. Freakazoid and Freakazette then appeared in the cockpit as they took the controls, and were soon on their way to the battle site. As they got closer and closer, they could make out Units-01 through 03 trying to remove the Angel from 00, only for them to face the same infection.

"Eeeewww," Freakazoid commented. "That's as bad as the 13th!"

"Glad I wasn't there for that one," Freakazette said as she then comically made all sorts of gagging faces.

They quickly picked up on some of the chatter among the pilots and the bridge.

"The other EVAs are showing signs of infection!" Maya reported alarmingly.

"At this rate, the Angel will be making more inroads into the EVAs' organics," Ritsuko added. "I don't know if they can shake it..."

"Looks like this is where we drop in," Freakazette said confidently.

"I hear that," Freakazoid agreed. "Let's make an entrance!" With that, the Freakazord briefly got into a runner's pose before zooming faster towards the battle site.

**On the mental plane, at that moment...**

Rei opened her eyes, and found herself in a blank, red environment, floating above what looked like an orange body of water. Soon, she found she wasn't alone. Standing before her, thigh-deep in the liquid, was to her surprise, herself. Or rather, herself from several months prior, if the short haircut was any indicator.

"Who are you?" the First Child inquired. "The Angel?"

"Won't you become one with me?" the reflection asked in turn, a slightly sinister edge to their voice.

Hearing this clinched it for Rei. "...You _are_ the Angel," the bluenette stated. "The very one we are fighting in the real world right this moment."

"And you have grown beyond what this initial form represents to you," Armisael replied. "I see...But it is no use. It is too late now. I will share what is in my heart with you. This feeling..." Suddenly, the Angel's face turned into one of stark surprise. "Wait, there is...there is no longer any loneliness in your heart...No longer as much sorrow as there used to be...Why?"

Rei, upon seeing this reaction, was at first confused; but when she gave it some thought, she began to smile. "It is because I have opened myself up more," she replied. "These past several months have been nothing short of a revelation to me. I have made many friends, found things I enjoy, a talent I can hone. Before, I would have avoided human contact and life's bounty, but now...Actually, it may be better if I put these words to song."

With that, the environment changed, much to Armisael's surprise. Now they were in what looked like a theatrical stage, with a spotlight shown on them. Rei began to sing as soon as the music started...

**[Suggested music: a karaoke version of "'Til Him" from ****_The Producers_****.]**

Rei:

**_No one ever made me feel like someone,_**

**_'Til them..._**

**[Images of Shinji and Freakazoid then appeared out of thin air.]**

**_My own life was nothing but a glum one,_**

**_'Til them..._**

**[Soon followed by images of Asuka and Misato.]**

**_My existence bordered on the tragic..._**

**_As a tool I never had a chance._**

**[The image of Freakazoid was then singled out.]**

**_Then I felt his magic, and my heart began to dance...!_**

**[Rei did a little twirl. The key of the music then changed.]**

**_Others thought me alien and pallid,_**

**_'Til them..._**

**[Images of Hikari and Toji then appeared.]**

**_I'd been told emotions weren't valid,_**

**_'Til themmmm...!_**

**[Images of Kensuke, Mayumi, and many others then appeared. To Armisael's further surprise, Rei was joined by the Broadway cast of ****_The Producers_****, joining in on the song.]**

_All:_

**_They filled up my empty life,_**

**_filled it to the hem..._**

**_There could never be such others_**

**_just like themmmmm...!_**

As soon as the song finished, Armisael was further startled by the sound of roaring applause from an unseen audience. The stage was then 'rained' on by roses thrown from the audience as Rei and the cast took their bows. Rei's face lit up when she was then handed a rose bouquet from hands that appeared from stage left, which she gleefully took. Armisael was speechless-it'd never anticipated this when it came time for it to make an attempt to reunite with the progenitor.

"I...I do not understand..." the gobsmacked 16th Angel said.

"It is because you have not spent time among humans," Rei responded as she moved closer to the Angel's mental avatar. "Even Leiliel, one of your own brethren, has come to enjoy this world. There are those among my circle of friends...my family...that I cannot thank enough for helping me blossom, as it were. But at the most, I must thank Freakazoid. Because of him, I have learned many unique and wonderous things about the world at large. How, for example, that wisdom can come from the unlikeliest of people, including fools with bowl cuts..."

She then held up four fingers on her right hand to the apprehensive Angel. "Pick two," she urged.

Armisael, confused, hesitated for a moment before selecting the index and middle finger. Rei then curled the ring and pinkie fingers, and with the two fingers still up, proceeded to swiftly poke Armisael in the eyes. "Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" the bluenette chuckled.

"OW!" Armisael exclaimed as it rubbed its eyes. When it reopened them, they went wide as it was met with an unexpected swift roundhouse kick from Rei.

"Haaaaaaaiiiii~!" Rei shouted as she landed the blow, the force of which sent Armisael reeling out of her mindscape.

In the real world, Armisael suddenly released its grip on Unit-00 as it was sent flying, almost by some unseen force. The other EVAs released their grips as the glowing, serpentine Angel as it staggered backwards, much to the surprise and confusion of all human observers.

"All EVA AT-Fields regenerating!" Maya happily reported.

"She did it," Ritsuko said with awe. "Rei somehow managed to beat back the infection!"

"And just in time, it looks like," Misato noted as she observed the screen.

"Freakazord closing in 15 seconds!" Shigeru reported.

Soon enough, the Freakazord landed next to the EVA quartet in its own battle stance.

"Sorry we're late, folks!" Freakazoid said. "Traffic was a bit tight."

"Now who's ready to show this overgrown piece of string cheese who's boss around here?" Freakazette playfully asked.

"We are!" all four pilots replied.

"Then let's get the ball rolling!" Freakazoid said. The Freakazord then proceeded to jump Armisael, still dazed from the roundhouse kick it received in Rei's mindscape. It struggled to break free from the red mecha's grip, and because it was fully mechanical, it couldn't fuse with it. Freakazette then pressed a button, which signaled a weapons locker to appear near the battlefield.

"Grab the stuff inside!" Freakazette urged. "The assembly instructions are included!"

The four EVAs then ran to the locker and opened it up. While Units-00, 01, and 03 began pulling out parts, 02 looked over the instruction manual (which thankfully was readable, as opposed to the kind of thing one would pick up at Ikea) and pointed to which parts went where. Soon the four EVAs had assembled the object, which turned out to be a tall pole. Over on the bridge, those watching were confused, especially Misato...until she noticed the giant volleyball next to the pole. She began to put together just what the purpose of the setup was as soon as the Freakazord came over and proceeded to tie one end of Armisael to the top of the pole and the ball to the other end. The Freakazord then looked at the four EVAs.

"You kids ever play tetherball?" Freakazoid asked.

The EVAs looked at one another, just as confused as the bridge was, before responding. "No."

"Rules are simple," the male wacky wonder informed them. "Each team stands on one side of the pole, and then they each have to hit the ball one way."

"One team hits it clockwise, the other hits counter," Freakazette added. "First team to wind the ball around the pole so the rope stops it without bouncing wins!"

Now understanding the specifics, the four EVAs split into teams. It turned out to be boys vs. girls, as Asuka and Rei got on one side with Shinji and Toji on the other. The staff on the bridge was speechless.

"Ready? And, start!" Freakazoid said as the Freakazord then blew a giant whistle hanging around its neck. Armisael, sensing the fate about to be visited upon it, visibly shuddered.

Toji kicked things off as he lightly tossed the ball in the air and then hit it going clockwise. When it reached the other side, Asuka responded in kind and sent it flying back towards the boys' side counter-clockwise. Shinji was the next to move, as he slapped the ball back, only for it to be met with Rei's hand. The game went on mostly in that pattern, Armisael getting more dizzy and nauseous with whiplash by the minute with each turn. Finally, Asuka brought the girls team on top with one mighty hit that sent the ball, and Armisael, twisting and winding super fast around the pole, till it finally came to a stop.

"Girls team wins!" Freakazette declared, the Freakazord raising its arm towards the girls' side. Both Unit-02 and Unit-00 proceeded to jump for joy.

Armisael, managing to regain its bearings, furiously unwound itself from the pole and tore free of both it and the ball as it took to the air. The sight of this ended the celebration and caused the EVAs to get back into their fighting stances. The Freakazord, on the other hand, dashed to the weapons locker just as Armisael made its move and darted towards Unit-00 again, intending to get back at Rei.

"Rei, think fast!" Freakazoid shouted as the Freakazord tossed an object towards Unit-00. The blue EVA caught it, and the rest of the human observers gaped with surprise when they saw the label on the handle, revealing it as an ACME giant-sized progressive cheese grater.

The minute Armisael got close enough to Unit-00, Rei struck. She got the Angel the moment it touched one of the serrated surfaces of the grater and proceeded to grate away at the creature, much to said creature's own shock. Unit-00 continued to vigorously grate Armisael until it reached the end of the serpentine Angel, leaving only a large pile of shavings in its wake. Unit-00 then fumbled around through the pile until it found the object of its search: Armisael's core. Tossing the red jewel-like orb into the air, the blue EVA then proceeded to hit it with one swift right hook that shattered it into tiny pieces, which in turn caused the pile of Armisael shavings to liquify into LCL.

No one said a word for a minute or two, until the majority of the bridge crew and command staff (save for Gendo and a reluctant Fuyutsuki) broke into cheers and applause.

"All pilots, mission accomplished!" Misato enthusiastically spoke into the comms before turning to the bridge bunnies. "Call off the alert."

"Roger that," a relieved Makoto replied, "switching immediately to condition green."

"All EVAs now returning to base," Maya added.

Misato then had her open a channel to the Freakazord, allowing her to quickly flash the Freaks a thankful salute. The beaming Freakazoid and Freakazette returned with ones of their own, each wearing a giant novelty foam hand (similar to the kind sold at sports stadiums). The two of them then hit a switch, and the Freakazord soon blasted off to return to the Freakalair, the day once again saved.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**And another one gone, another one gone, another Angel bites the dust!**

**Megumi Reinard is a character from one of my favorite anime, ****_Martian Successor Nadesico_**** (whose English dub shared a lot of talent from ****_Evangelion_****'s original dub). She's a former voice actress recruited to be the communications officer for the titular space battleship. Kusagabe calling her a cutie riffs on Cosgrove calling Carrie Fisher the same in "The Wrath of Gutierrez".**

**The Freakmobile linking up with the Freakazord is meant to parody how the core lander (I think that's how it's spelled?) links up with Shining (and later Burning) Gundam in ****_Mobile Fighter G Gundam_****.**

**Rei's fight with Armisael within her mindscape sees her riff on one of the penultimate musical numbers from the Broadway version of Mel Brooks's ****_The Producers_****, followed by another Moe Howard-patented move (with a sly reference to 2014's ****_Silver Surfer_****, volume 7, issue 3).**

**Now for some fun, in the form of a pseudo-sequel to ****_Freakazoid!_**** season one, episode 4's segment "The Big Question". If you thought aliens wondering about the name of Barbie's little sister was weird, you ain't seen nothin' yet! (Also, see if you can spot a gag from another Mel Brooks classic, ****_History of the World, Part 1_****!)**

_Omake 15 - The Second Big Question_

The level of anticipation was quite high among the gathered joint NERV/JSDF group stationed near the Tokyo-3 city limits. Freakazoid and Freakazette were among them, in case things went south and required some superpowered assistance. The Evangelions were stationed behind some buildings, also as a contingency. Misato and a JSDF general looked through a pair of binoculars at the object of their current focus: a couple of strange, orb-shaped UFOs, just meters away from touchdown. Finally, after ten nerve-wracking minutes, the two ships landed, leaving small craters in their wake. Each ship opened up, and their respective passengers stood revealed. The gathered crowd was very astonished by their appearance.

The larger of the two aliens was a giant of a man, bald and with a thin handlebar mustache. He wore a black tunic with gold and black body armor, black gauntlets with thin gold bands at the wrists, and white boots with gold toes that matched the shoulder pads that flared out from his upper torso armor, and the loin guard that continued down from the middle section of the chest.

The shorter of the two was clean-shaven and had a black mane of hair that stood straight up and looked almost spiky, showing off quite the widow's peak on his forehead. He wore a blue bodysuit, white gloves, and a pair of white boots that also had golden toes. His torso armor was similar to the larger man's, but had white instead of black elements.

Both aliens had cocky smirks on their faces, wore strange-looking combination eye/earpieces on the right side of their heads, and had what looked like brown furry belts wrapped around their waists. Further surprising the observers, the two of them began to float into the air, the smirks disappearing from their faces. The larger alien then addressed the crowd in a booming voice.

"People of Earth!" he said, presenting the shorter alien next to him. "Vegeta, Prince of Saiyans, who has travelled across an unparalleled distance throughout the universe, comes before you seeking an answer to a vexing question. Know that any wrong answer will be met with annihilation!"

Muted chatter erupted among the crowd.

"SILENCE!" the larger alien commanded, which quieted the crowd below. "Vegeta, Prince of Saiyans-do not implore him for compassion! Vegeta, Prince of Saiyans-do not beg him for mercy! Vegeta, Prince of Saiyans-do not lie to him or think he will succumb to trickery! Let's face it, you can't Veget'im outta anything!" He then turned and nodded to the prince he served, who then hovered forward. Vegeta then pointed towards the crowd-specifically, towards Misato.

"You there, woman in red," Vegeta said. "Speak."

The others looked to Misato, herself surprised by being singled out. Slightly swallowing, Misato then looked up at Vegeta.

"What is the question you want answered?" the NERV tactical ops director asked, showing as much courage as she could muster.

A pause lingered in the air, neither side moving, all eyes transfixed on the staredown between the human woman and the Saiyan prince. Finally, the latter spoke.

"Eddie from _Frasier_," Vegeta began to ask, "what was the real name of the dog who played him?"

A wave of utterly dumbfounded surprise washed over Misato and the rest of the crowd, right up to the teenage EVA pilots, sweat drops emerging next to their heads. Misato and the two Freaks immediately huddled as they brainstormed in whisper.

"Uh, was it _Wishbone_?" Misato asked. "I only saw a little bit of _Frasier_, the show was never my cup of tea."

"No no, that's another character played by a dog," Freakazoid replied. "And that was in a kids show."

"Let me handle this one," Freakazette volunteered. "Of us two, I'm more of the TV pets specialist."

Misato nodded in agreement. "Good luck," she said. Freakazette then turned to look up and stepped forward to address Vegeta.

"There were actually two dogs who played Eddie!" Freakazette said to the Saiyan prince. "The first was Moose, and the second was his son Enzo!"

Vegeta held a hand to his chin as he seemed to consider this. "Two dogs...Hmmm...Moose and Enzo..." He then turned to face his large underling. "Nappa! We're leaving. Spread the word to the others-Eddie was played by two dogs: Moose and Enzo!"

Nappa nodded and the two floated back down to their spherical ships, which then closed up and proceeded to blast off. The two spheres were soon on their way, going higher and higher up until they were out of sight.

The gathered crowd then looked at one another, sweat drops also emerging by their heads, before breathing a collective sigh of relief.

Freakazoid then turned to address us with a grin. "What was it they said about too much TV being bad for you again?" he said with a wink.


	42. Episode 41

**Announcer: "The following chapter of Super-Wackos of EVA: NERV Freaks Out features a musical number by guest composer Lin-Manuel Miranda. So unless you're a fan of Broadway musicals or musical theater in general, or have been living under a rock since before the 2015 Tony Awards, then this chapter isn't for you. And now, our next chapter."**

**Episode 35 - And Now You Know...The Rei-st of the Backstory**

It had been an interesting, if somewhat nerve-wracking afternoon for Rei. Just an hour or so ago, she stood facing the gathered holographic projections of Gutierrez and the rest of the Committee, as she was interviewed by them about her experience during the last Angel battle. Deep down, she was relieved that it was Gutierrez at the helm and not Kihl, since based on past conversations with Gendo she wouldn't have liked speaking with the old cyborg. For now, she was just glad that the interview was done so she could focus on the task at hand. She was to meet up with Shinji, Asuka, Ritsuko, Misato, and Kaji, and once they joined up with Freakazoid and Freakazette (having sneaked in via Lilith's chamber), she and Ritsuko would show them the rest of Terminal Dogma, and thus the circumstances of her creation. She took a few deep breaths as she finally joined up with the others at a specific elevator bank, the location of which was given to them by Ritsuko.

"You okay, _Wundergirl_?" Asuka asked with concern. "They didn't grill you too hard, did they?"

"I am fine," Rei replied. "Though I was unaware they would be serving barbecued food."

The others blinked upon hearing this, not expecting the First Child to respond with a joke, unintentional as it was. It caused them to snicker for a brief moment before they collected themselves, just as Ritsuko finally joined them.

"Everyone ready?" the chief scientist of NERV asked.

"As we'll ever be," Misato replied.

"Well, then," Kaji started to say as the elevator doors opened, slightly bowing, "ladies first."

Misato, Ritsuko, Asuka, and Rei entered the elevator first, with Shinji and Kaji stepping in afterwards. Once the doors closed, they descended into the lower levels of NERV HQ, until finally, they reached Terminal Dogma, passing by many a warning sign with varying levels of severity (**KEEP OUT! AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY! WE MEAN IT, KEEP OUT! NO, REALLY, WE SERIOUSLY MEAN IT! IF YOU'RE NOT AUTHORIZED TO BE DOWN HERE, VAMOOSE!**). When the elevator doors opened, the group (well, all but Rei) found themselves surprised by the sight of the Freaks sitting at a small table playing what looked like a version of _Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots_, though with miniature EVAs. The Freaks turned to face the new arrivals and smiled and waved hello. A puzzled look then appeared on Freakazoid's face.

"I just remembered-what if someone notices you're down here?" the male wacky wonder asked.

"We've got that taken care of," Ritsuko replied with a small smile, "I've got Maya, Hyuga, and my mother running electronic interference for us upstairs. No one else knows we're here." She then turned to face Shinji and Asuka. "Are you sure you two are up for this? Once we show you all of it, there's no turning back."

Both the Third and Second Children nodded affirmatively.

"We're sure," Asuka said.

"We want to see the secrets in there with our own eyes," Shinji added.

"All right then," Ritusko said as she addressed everyone. "Don't say I didn't warn you." The group then started its 'tour' in one room that looked like something out of an old Frankenstein movie. (Or one of the bad _Re-Animator_ sequels.)

"YECH!" Freakazette said as she held her nose. "Smells like poo gas in here!"

"Not just that," Shinji commented. "It looks like Rei's old room."

"It is because it was," Rei stated.

"Wait, WHAT?" Asuka asked, aghast at what the bluenette had revealed.

"It's true," Ritsuko confirmed. "This is where Rei was born and initially raised."

Both Kaji and Ritusko looked at their old friend with utter surprise, before looking over the room again. The group pressed onward as they next entered a vast chamber filled with eight large, circular pits on each side of the walkway they were on. Within the pits were various rusting, gigantic robotic limbs and a few helmets.

"All these parts..." Kaji noted. "Are they...?"

"EVAs?" Asuka finished.

Ritsuko nodded 'yes'. "These were the first series of prototype models. As you can see, from the GEHIRN days till now, we went through a lot of failures before we even got to Unit-00 and 01. Before this became NERV's underground junkyard, this was the test chamber where Unit-01 was housed. It's where Yui Ikari was absorbed into the EVA." Shinji shuddered at that memory as it threatened to come back to him.

Freakazoid whistled in astonishment. "Bet this wouldn't look out of place in a Cannon Films schlock thriller," he commented as he looked the place over.

The group kept on going until they finally reached the last spot in their tour of the NERV 'house of horrors'. The room was mostly dark save for the lone, human-sized cylinder in the center filled with LCL. It was connected to a large apparatus up on the ceiling that resembled a giant mechanical brain.

"Yowza..." Misato said as she gaped a the sight of the thing.

"Now this looks like something Ridley Scott left on the cutting room floor," Freakazette commented.

"Question is, was it the floor of _Alien_ or _Blade Runner_?" Freakazoid asked.

"What is this thing?" Shinji asked.

"The source of the Dummy Plugs," Ritsuko replied as she took out a small tablet. "And in truth..." She tapped a button on the screen with her thumb, and caused the lights behind what turned out to be a large glass tank to come on. To the astonishment of all but Rei and Ritsuko, behind the glass, floating within a large amount of LCL, was Rei. A LOT of Reis. Each were completely identical to the one standing with them, save for them all wearing a white one-piece swimsuit. All their eyes were closed, as if they were in a deep slumber.

"_Schnike_..." Asuka said, nearly-speechless.

"All these girls...?" Misato started to ask.

"You're not saying the Dummy Plugs...?" Kaji added.

"That's right," Ritsuko confirmed. "These clones form the basis for what the Dummy System would be, though with the data destroyed, they just serve as an option that so far hasn't been needed-namely, if something were to happen to Rei, one of these would have her soul and memories uploaded into it. Allow me to elaborate..."

**[Suggested music: a karaoke version of "The Room Where It Happens" from ****_Hamilton_****, beginning at 0:46.]**

A spotlight fell on Ritsuko as she launched into her musical explanation.

Ritsuko [snapping her fingers]:

_**Two metaphysical biologists walk into a room,**_

_**Diametric'ly opposing views**_

_**They emerge with the result of an attempted**_

_**salvage operation, from which a sinister**_

_**scenario takes its cues...**_

_**Gendo Ikari emerges with unprecedented power over**_

_**a girl that he can shape in any way he wants.**_

_**Other than Fuyutsuki, only he knows the scope of the endgame,**_

_**And here's the pièce de résistance...**_

_**No one else was in**_

_**this room where it happened...**_

The Rei clones [having awakened]:

_**This room where it happened...**_

Ritsuko:

_**This room where it happened...**_

_**No one else was in**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

The Rei clones:

_**This room where it happened...**_

Ritsuko and the Rei clones:

_**This room where it happened...**_

Ritsuko:

_**No one else above knows the deeds performed,**_

_**Of the feelings that were yearned,**_

_**Of the woman who was scorned...**_

_**They had no clue it all happened...**_

_**'Cause no one else was in this room**_

_**where it happened...**_

The Rei clones:

_**Gendo tried-**_

Ritsuko:

_**To free his wife from Unit-01's core,**_

_**obsession and desperation in his eyes.**_

The Rei clones:

_**Gendo tried-**_

Ritsuko:

_**His attempt created something new,**_

_**from his wife's D-N-A and that of Angel**_

_**number two...**_

The Rei clones:

_**Gendo planned-**_

Ritsuko:

_**Known as Rei Ay-a-nami, Gendo had created**_

_**his own key to instru-men-tality. Now he**_

_**just needed a plan to make it a re-al-ity...**_

_**(And aside from Fuyutsuki-)**_

_**No one else was in **_

_**this room where it happened...**_

The Rei clones:

_**This room where it happened...**_

Ritsuko and the Rei clones:

_**This room where it happened...**_

_**No one else was in**_

_**this room where it happened...**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

Ritsuko:

_**Not even SEELE knows the guy's endgame,**_

_**since he always claims their goals are one and**_

_**the same...**_

_**So they assume nothing happened...**_

Ritsuko and the Rei clones:

_**But no one else was in**_

_**this room where it happened...**_

The Rei clones:

_**Meanwhile...**_

Ritsuko:

_**Fuyutsuki's grappling with the acts that he's witnessed,**_

_**stuff that normally would scare someone witless.**_

The Rei clones:

_**Meanwhile...**_

Ritsuko's:

_**The Committee's expanding their breadth of influence,**_

_**mostly through all means that qualify as 'ruthless'.**_

_**All while Gendo's creating all manner of contingencies,**_

_**all these clones one of them, for all eventualities.**_

_**Years later I'm brought on, all groomed and ready,**_

_**to succeed my late mother, to keep everything steady.**_

_**All this time I pined, never thinking he would use me,**_

_**since he's only got eyes for his late, beloved Yui.**_

_**Puts me in charge of her 'mini-me's' care,**_

_**while he psychologically imparts on her**_

_**only feelings of despair.**_

_**(And aside from us three...)**_

Ritsuko and the Rei clones:

_**No one else was in**_

_**this room where it happened...**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

_**No one else was in**_

_**this room where it happened...**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

Freakazoid and Freakazette [doing the _Home Alone_ pose]:

_**My gosh!**_

Shinji:

_**My dad's a nut!**_

Asuka:

_**And you couldn't say a thing-**_

Ritsuko:

_**'Cause he threatened my trap shut!**_

_**Click-boom it continued to happen...**_

_**And no one else was in this room where it happened.**_

The Rei clones:

_**Ritsuko Akagi-**_

Misato:

_**What did he say to you to get you to sell out the human race?!**_

The Rei clones:

_**Ritsuko Akagi-**_

Kaji:

_**What could be so severe that he held it out right in your face?!**_

The Rei clones:

_**Ritsuko Akagi-**_

Ritsuko:

_**All I'll say is that**_

_**he had a way just to**_

_**keep me in line, he**_

_**kept stringing me along,**_

_**made me think he was mine...**_

Misato:

_**Yet you got less than you gave-**_

Ritsuko:

_**What I wanted I got...**_

_**When you're hanging by a thread, you stay in the game,**_

_**I didn't last as long as I have by giving up the game,**_

_**Yes I got 'love' for it, and got hate for it...**_

_**I'd get nothing if I**_

The Rei clones:

_**Waited for it, waited for it, waited for it...**_

Ritsuko:

_**Rei please, do forgive me,**_

_**I wanna make things right,**_

_**Wanna do something to put me**_

_**back in the light.**_

All but Rei and Ritsuko:

_**What do you want, Rits?**_

_**What do you want, Rits?**_

_**You were in the dark, Rits, **_

_**but now what do you want, Rits?**_

Ritsuko:

_**I...**_

_**Wanna be free of**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

_**I**_

_**Wanna break free of**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

All but Ritsuko:

_**She wants freedom from**_

_**This room where it happened...**_

Ritsuko:

_**I**_

All but Ritsuko:

_**Want freedom from**_

_**this room where it happened...**_

Ritsuko:

_**I want out of the room**_

_**Oh**_

_**Oh**_

Ritsuko and all:

_**I want out of**_

_**this room where it happened**_

_**this room where it happened**_

_**this room where it happened**_

_**I want out of**_

_**this room where it happened**_

_**this room where it happened**_

_**this room where it happened**_

All but Ritsuko:

_**For years your character was compromised.**_

Ritsuko:

_**I had to hold my nose and avert my eyes.**_

_**We're all supposed to be the ones saving the world,**_

_**But underneath it all something sinister unfurled...**_

_**While the rest of them above are more innocent at heart,**_

_**The commanders and I dreamed in the dark for the most part...**_

_**Here where it's dark as a tomb where it happened...**_

_**Now I want out of**_

_**this room where it happened!**_

_**I wanna be free...**_

All but Ritsuko:

_**Of this room where it happened**_

Ritsuko:

_**I've got to be free...**_

All but Ritsuko:

_**Of this room where it happened**_

Ritsuko:

_**I've got to be free...**_

All but Ritsuko:

_**Of this room where it happened**_

Ritsuko:

_**Oh I wanna be free**_

_**of this room where it happened**_

_**I've got to be, gotta be, gotta be free**_

_**of the room...**_

_**Click-boom!**_

The lights then went off as an unseen audience roared with applause and cheering. The lights eventually came back on, and the group (along the with the clones) took their bows. Freakazoid then pointed to the orchestra's pit.

"Lin-Manuel Miranda, everybody!" he said as he presented the award-winning writer/composer/director/actor, who popped up from his conductor's stand to briefly smile and wave to the audience. Once the applause and cheering died down, the scene resumed.

"Wait, you said half my mom's DNA was used to make Rei?" Shinji asked, eyes widening with surprise. "So that means-?!"

"Yes," Ritsuko answered. "She is, in a sense, your half-sister."

Shinji and Rei looked at each other, a slight tinge of pink appearing in their cheeks as they briefly recalled the day he went to deliver her new ID card, where tripping and clumsiness ensued. Shinji then pushed those thoughts aside as he walked up to her and gave her a hug.

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I'm so, so sorry for what he put you through. I don't care how you came into this world, you're family. It's all that matters."

Rei, genuinely touched by his gesture, returned the hug.

Freakazette, sensing her cue, held up a big placard with one word that was said by the studio audience:

**"Aaaaaawwwwwwww"**

When Rei and Shinji disengaged, the group looked around at the lab with one question or two on their minds.

"So what now?" Misato asked.

"You said it yourself," Kaji reminded Ritsuko. "Without the dummy system data, all these girls are just 'spares'."

Ritsuko looked at the tablet in her hand. "I'd actually contemplated destroying them. As they are, they're just soulless dummies-they couldn't survive out in the real world. I'd be doing them a favor..."

"Whoa, there, with the fingering, and the considering, and the memories of _Old YELLER_," Freakazoid interjected in a Lewis-y manner. "Freakazette and I have a better idea."

"What do you have in mind?" Ritsuko asked.

"Can't tell ya," Freakazette replied. "It's a surprise."

The NERV folk blinked, did a double-take, and ultimately realizing it was better not to ask, shrugged.

"Now what's say we get out of this candidate for David Cronenberg's rec room?" Freakazoid suggested. "I dunno about you, but I think some sunshine and fresh air's in order."

The others nodded in agreement, and soon made their way to the elevator to exit Terminal Dogma. Of all of them, Shinji was of two minds about the recent Rei-velations: on the one hand, he now hated his father more than ever for the lengths he'd gone to try and save his mom, but on the other hand, he was glad that a good thing did come out of this in that he now had a sister. A thought suddenly came to him as the elevator climbed higher and higher.

"Something up?" Asuka asked.

"I just remembered," Shinji replied. "My mom told me that while she was still pregnant, she and my father were thinking of baby names. They didn't know if it was going to be a boy or girl, so they compromised-Shinji if it was a boy, Rei if it was a girl." He then looked towards Rei. "I think my father, whether he knew it or not, made everyone a winner in that deal."

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**If the season two ****_Freakazoid _****episode "Dexter's Date" can devote 4.5 minutes of its story to a full-blown parody of ****_Hello, Dolly!_****, then I can devote a chapter of this crossover to a ****_Hamilton_**** spoof. I've been wanting to do this as this story's take on the revelations of Rei's creation ever since I saw ****_Hamilton _****proper for the first time this past July (thank you, Disney+!). Hope it worked for you all!**

**Cannon Films was the movie production arm of The Cannon Group, Inc. From 1979-1994, under the leadership of cousins Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, they were responsible for the sheer output of schlocky B-movies seen on screens during those decades. You might know them best for the Chuck Norris **

**_Delta Force _****and ****_Missing in Action _****movies, the ****_Death Wish _****sequels, ****_Superman IV: The Quest For Peace_****, the 1987 ****_Masters of the Universe_**** adaptation, and the ****_American Ninja _****films.**

**Of course, I'm sure many of you are familiar with Cronenberg and Scott, whose films undoubtedly would've been great fits for NERV's sensibilities. (At least when designing Terminal Dogma.)**


	43. Episode 42

"You know your assignment, yes?"

The question, coming from the monolith hologram labeled "02" in big red numbers, was directed towards a teenage boy with ashen gray hair, red eyes, and an almost deathly pallor.

"I do," the boy replied, an eerie smile on his face. "It appears my time draws near."

"Indeed it does," SEELE-02 said in turn. "It is only through sheer luck that we were able to smuggle you out of the Berlin facility without Gutierrez knowing."

"Extremely fortunate, considering he has not deciphered all of the Dead Sea Scrolls just yet," the boy added. "Otherwise he would have discovered my origins do not truly reflect that of the dossier he was handed after usurping leadership of SEELE."

Behind his façade, SEELE-02 nodded. "Nor has he been able to suss out those of us who remain loyal to Chairman Kihl's vision. But enough sentimentality-time is of the essence if we are to implement the Human Instrumentality Project in secret. Therefore, it falls to you, the final messenger, who also holds the soul of Adam. Now go-ingratiate yourself among the masses. Integrate yourself into NERV as best as you can. Then, when the opportunity arises-strike!"

The boy nodded in affirmation. "I understand," he replied. The hologram of SEELE-02 then blinked out, and the boy began heading towards the road. Once he stopped by the side of it, he put into play that which he gleaned from the copy of Hitchhiking for Newbies that he had consulted prior to his arrival in Japan. He assumed a slight slouch in his stance, stuck his right hand in the corresponding pants pocket, and with his left hand, curled all of his fingers till his thumb remained sticking up. He then turned it sideways and proceeded to move his thumb in a 90-degree angle, a motion he repeated until a truck stopped for him. The driver leaned out his open window to address the boy.

"Yo, kid," the driver started to ask. "Where ya headed?"

The boy's smile remained present as he answered. "Tokyo-3, if you don't mind."

Upon his delivery of that line, the background orchestra promptly played the equivalent of "bum-bum-BUUUUUUMMMM!".

**Episode 36 - Kaworu-Come-Lately (New Kid in Town)**

"That was...a lot I never thought I'd see," Kensuke said, commenting on the things he and Mayumi (from their vantage points in their respective Freakazones) had witnessed while the Freaks had been given the 'grand tour' of Terminal Dogma two days ago. The two of them were talking as they made their way to school, trying to digest what they'd learned. "Even after all the stuff I found out about while 'rooming' with Freakazoid, I still can't believe how much literal mad science went on right under everyone's noses like that!"

"I hear you," the bookworm replied. "While I'm happy Shinji and Rei found a new way to connect, the rest...let me put it this way, it's going to take a whole lot of Jane Austen, Agatha Christie, and a dash of Rumiko Takahashi to wash away the rest of Terminal Dogma from my mind."

_That's a binge I can get behind!_ Freakazette added.

"All that aside, right now I'm just worried about what the 17th Angel's going to be like," Mayumi said.

"At least it's the final Angel," Kensuke said, "then all we need to worry about is stopping Commander Ikari and Gutierrez."

_Which means we've got a whole lotta preparing to do!_ Freakazoid stated. _Finally, I can dust off that 80's training montage wardrobe I've been saving for a rainy day!_

Kensuke sighed a bit at hearing that. "We'll check the music stores to see if they've got any Vangelis, Stan Bush, or John Cafferty," he said resignedly as he and Mayumi walked through the front doors of the school. Minutes later the rest of the classroom had filled up, and Hikari had done her usual 'Stand-bow-sit!' routine as Ms. Mumphrey walked in.

"Good morning, class," the undercover Boa-Magnon greeted. "Before we get into today's lesson, there's someone who would like to introduce themselves. For the first time in a long while, we have a new student joining us." She then turned to the doorway. "You may come in now."

The students of classroom 2-A turned to greet the new arrival, and found themselves surprised by who just walked in. For a certain group of students, even more so.

The boy (as described in the teaser above) had a near-deathly pallor about his skin, to say nothing of his ashen gray hair. The most remarkable features about him were his ruby-red eyes. A smile that was equal parts charming, yet slightly unsettling graced his lips. The boy wrote his name on the board before turning to face the rest of the class.

"How do you all do," he greeted with a slight bow. "My name is Kaworu Nagisa. It is a pleasure to meet you all."

A small amount of chatter erupted among the students, all of it brimming with curiosity about Kaworu. Shinji and Asuka eyed each other warily, as did Kensuke and Mayumi. Rei, on the other hand, was a different matter entirely.

_There is something about this boy,_ she thought to herself, _that, as they say, seems to raise my hackles_. The moment she thought that, a puzzled look appeared on her face as she looked towards our direction. "Did I say that right?" she asked. "'Raise my hackles'...?" Responding to her concern, a thumbs-up appeared from below the screen, which the First Child noticed. "Thank you!" she said with a small smile.

Shifting the focus back to our bespectacled duo, Kensuke and Mayumi whispered their suspicions to one another.

"You don't think...?" Mayumi started to ask.

"Couldn't be...could it?" Kensuke asked in turn.

_Would you look at how most of the girls are all over him?_ Freakazette asked. _You'd think it was the second coming of River Phoenix or something._

_Who?_ Mayumi asked her 'roommate'.

_Joaquin's brother_, the female wacky wonder answered. _He's before your time._

_Funnily enough, he makes me think of a young David Bowie for some reason,_ Freakazoid noted.

_That's not what we're thinking!_ Kensuke said to Freakazoid as he tried to bring him back on track. _Mayumi and I think he might be like-well, like Rei!_ As he thought this, he 'motioned' his 'roomie' towards Rei's direction. Upon taking that glimpse, Freakazoid began to understand what Kensuke was saying.

_You sure he's not just some regular albino kid?_ the male wacky wonder surmised.

_Look at how Rei reacted to him,_ Kensuke pointed out. _Those two hadn't met before today, and yet she's already sensing something 'off' about him. Plus, given what we now know about her, she's probably capable of sensing others like herself._

_Well, when you put it like that, there's only one good way to see if your theory holds water,_ Freakazoid said. _Here's what we'll do..._

**The school's main hallway, hours later...**

It was the end of the day, and all the students made their way out of the school, eager to get home or to whatever activity they'd planned on doing for the late afternoon. Kaworu, the new fish in the pond, wasn't in as much of a rush, and took his time as he walked the halls, ruminating on the human experiences he'd gone through so far today. So engrossed was he in his thoughts that he didn't see where he was going and unexpectedly crashed into another person.

"EEP!" Mayumi squeaked as she and Kaworu fell to the floor, along with the tall stack of books she was carrying. "I'm so, so sorry, I didn't see you there."

"It's all right," Kaworu replied as he helped Mayumi up while she adjusted her glasses. "Allow me to help you with all this."

"Oh, wow, thank you!" Mayumi said in turn.

_All right, Mayumi, time for phase 2,_ Freakazette nudged. _Remember what we practiced..._

"So, you're new to the city, right?" Mayumi asked with all the bubbly-ness she could muster. "I'll bet back home you had an innnnteresting life. The places you've been and the things you must've seen, my goodness..."

"Oh, I would not say my time in Berlin was that much of what you would call interesting," Kaworu replied as he picked up a book or two.

"You lived in Berlin? In Germany?" the bookworm asked, feigning surprise. "Oh, that definitely qualifies as innnnteresting! I said to my friend Asuka-she used to live there herself-'I bet you met a lot of innnnteresting people'. I'm always innnnterested in meeting innnnteresting people..."

While Mayumi kept Kaworu engaged as they picked up books, Kensuke quietly tip-toed behind Kaworu, a pair of tweezers in his hand, and carefully, just carefully, plucked a stray hair from the back of his head. Luckily for him, Kaworu seemed to be quite oblivious to his actions. He didn't stay long to find out, as he then quickly bolted for another part of the hallway before he could see the new kid react. By the time he got away, Kaworu had managed to help Mayumi get all her books back into a neat stack.

"...Anyway, thanks again for helping me, and for listening to my spiel," Mayumi said. "Hope you like it here!" With that, the bookworm made off for the school library. Kaworu, slightly puzzled by the long, one-sided conversation he'd been engaged in, shrugged and headed out the door. As soon as the coast was clear, Kensuke and Mayumi reconvened near some lockers.

"Did you get it?" she asked.

Kensuke answered her by showing the tiny vial that now contained the lock of Kaworu's hair.

_Perfect!_ both Freakazoid and Freakazette said.

Moments later, the two specs-wearing teens left the school and ducked into an alley. Having made sure the coast was clear, they both said the magic words:

"Ooooh, Freak Out!"

In a flash, Freakazoid and Freakazette dashed out of the alley and zoomed off to the Freakalair.

**The Freakalair, minutes later...**

The two Freaks were in one of the Freakalair's labs, where they, R.O.D.D.Y. and Naoko were analyzing the hair with a variety of tests and gizmos. When they finished, they waited about fifteen minutes for the results. A ***PING!*** signaled them that they were in.

"Well? Whaddya got?" Freakazoid asked.

"It's just as the kids suspected, laddie," the digital Scotsman replied.

"Like Rei, this Kaworu is a human-Angel hybrid clone, what NERV and SEELE codenamed as a 'Nephilim'," Naoko explained. "The main difference between them is that while Rei's Angelic side comes from Lilith, Kaworu's is all Adam. In fact, thanks to some files I was able to covertly sneak a peek at from NERV's Berlin facility, it turns out Kaworu actually holds the soul of Adam itself."

"And that means...?" Freakazette asked expectantly.

"It's highly likely that Kaworu is the 17th Angel," Naoko answered grimly.

The Freaks (and their 'roommates') became highly surprised by this.

_Wait, if Kaworu came here from NERV-Berlin..._Mayumi began to theorize.

_Then that means SEELE deliberately sent him here!_ Kensuke finished. _But wait, hold on-why would they do that if Gutierrez shut down the Human Instrumentality Project?_

"More than likely, it's 'cause there may be a wee number on SEELE's council who might be die-hards for Kihl's original plans," R.O.D.D.Y. put forward.

"Now there's a nice wrinkle," Freakazoid mused. "Still, we'd better keep an eye on Kaworu, see how he goes about his business."

**The shore of Lake Ashi, around the same time...**

Shinji and Asuka decided to take a short walk by the lake, right when a beautiful sunset was just starting. It made for quite a bit of romantic scenery, and the two of them took in every ounce of it as they strolled barefoot on the sand, arm-in-arm. (If one were more imaginative, the two of them, with the city at their backs, would've made for a decent homage to the cover of the Bob Dylan album _The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan_.)

The two of them eventually came to a stop next to a sculpture set near one of the walkways and watched the sunset for a while. Both of them were musing on how far the two of them had come since Asuka had arrived in Japan, part of them amazed at how their relationship had progressed.

"Asuka?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah?" the redhead responded.

"You ever think about...?" Shinji asked further.

"Think about what?"

"Well...what you'd want to do when this is all over?"

Asuka gave him a slightly-quizzical look before turning back to the sunset. "It's funny, I actually have been thinking about it for a little while now. I mean, I've got you, my mom's actually alive-all the stuff I lacked when I was pushing myself as an EVA pilot, I've practically got it back. I actually like the idea of finding something to do with my life, about being done with piloting some 10-story tall war machine."

Shinji smiled a bit on hearing that. "So what are you thinking?"

"...Well, after getting my doctorate, obviously," Asuka began, "I was thinking that I'd want to-"

Before she could finish her thought, both their ears perked up at the sound of someone humming, which slightly startled them. Asuka was not too happy.

_When I get my hands on the idiot who killed the mood..._she mentally grumbled. The two of them turned to the source of the humming, and found it-or rather, him-sitting atop the sculpture. Said source turned out to be their mysterious new classmate, and the tune he was humming happened to be one of the most frequently-used classical pieces in most popular media: Beethoven's 9th Symphony, the "Ode to Joy".

"Ummm..." Shinji sounded.

"Hey! What's the big idea?" Asuka crossly demanded, hands on her hips. "We were kinda having a moment here..."

"Hm? Oh, my apologies," Kaworu replied. "I was unaware of your presence. Forgive me, I was just admiring the view and felt a little music would be warranted."

"Really, now?" Asuka asked skeptically.

"Yes," Kaworu answered. "I find singing to be enriching for the soul. All of music, really, as it is the crowning achievement of Lilim civilization. Don't you agree, Shinji Ikari, Asuka Langley Sohryu?"

"Uh...Lilim?" Shinji asked, confused. "Is that some kind of ancient people? I don't remember reading about them in history class." Something else then occurred to him that he didn't register at first. "Hey wait, how'd you know our names? I don't think we introduced ourselves to you."

"You did not," Kaworu said as he got down from the sculpture. "But you two are quite well-known, even if you aren't that aware of your position."

"And just how do you know about our 'position'?" Asuka pressed, an eyebrow arched.

"Ah, where are my manners?" Kaworu corrected himself. "I believe I unintentionally, as they say, buried the lead. I know about your positions because I am in the same one as well. Like you two, I am one of the Children that's part of the design. Specifically, I am the Seventh Child."

Hearing this took Shinji and Asuka by great surprise. "SEVENTH Child?"

Kaworu nodded in response. "But you can just call me Kaworu, if that is all right."

"Seriously? Then the 17th Angel's gotta be dangerous enough that they sent you here as a back-up," Shinji surmised.

"It would appear to be the case," Kaworu said in turn. "I do look forward to working with you and the rest of the pilots."

"Riiight..." Asuka said before she promptly nudged Shinji into making a beeline towards the direction of the apartment. "Well, would you look at the time! We've really gotta get back. See you at HQ!" With that, the two of them hastily started walking back (Shinji with a bit of reluctance), after taking a moment to slip their shoes on before they got off the sand. As soon as they were out of Kaworu's earshot, Shinji spoke up.

"Asuka? Weren't we being rude leaving him in the lurch like that?" he asked. "What's wrong?"

Asuka rolled her eyes a bit before she answered. "Do I have to do the thinking of the two of us? Listen carefully, sweet baka of mine: didn't he seem awfully strange to you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Think back to earlier today and what he said just now," Asuka elaborated. "When he first came to class, Rei was glaring daggers at him, a kid she never met before today. One who, just a couple minutes ago, claimed to be the Seventh Child, sent to us as a back-up with the 17th Angel coming seemingly any day now. One who ALSO happens to possess some of the same physical traits _as your sister_, complete with eyes that'd make Dracula envious. Speaking of Rei again, given what we know she's capable of, wouldn't it stand to reason that she glared at him like that because she could actually _sense_ something off about the guy?"

Shinji considered Asuka's words as they continued on to the apartment, realizing Asuka made some valid points. "If you're right about all that, then we need to speak with Rei the minute we get back."

"My thoughts exactly," Asuka affirmed.

Meanwhile, back at the lakeshore, Kaworu looked on after the retreating forms of Asuka and Shinji.

"Hmmm...the Second and Third Children are much different from what I was initially presented," he pondered. "How unusual..."

Kaworu's eyes then glimpsed a three-week-old newspaper laying on the ground near a recycling bin. His eyes widened a bit with astonishment when he caught sight of the front page photo and headline, showing Freakazoid and Freakazette in the aftermath of their thwarting of a carjacking ring. He then briefly looked our way before giving himself a face-palm.

"Oh, no..." he bemoaned, "I've incarnated into one of _those_ universes, haven't I?"

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**At last, Kaworu's come to town! And soon, he's gonna wish he didn't!**

**The chapter's title riffs on "New Kid in Town", a song from the 1976 Eagles album ****_Hotel California_****.**

**Mayumi name-drops two famous English authors in Austen and Christie, and the famous manga-ka behind ****_Ranma 1/2_**** and ****_Inuyasha_****.**

**Mayumi's stalling tactic while she and Kaworu pick up her books riffs on Bug Bunny's lines from when he gives Gossamer the hairy monster a manicure in the 1946 ****_Looney Tunes _****short "Hair-Raising Hare".**

**Kaworu's line at the end of the chapter is a nod to the fan theory that he remembers everything that happens to him in other timelines of _Evangelion_.**

**On a different note, the latest chapter of GainaxVel3o's "Shinji Ikari: The Amazing Spider-Man" story is up, and features a guest omake by yours truly! You'll recall that I threw a small nod to that story in Episode 14 (aka chapter 17) of my story; well, the omake is a follow-up to that cameo that I think you'll all enjoy.**

**And now for some fun, inspired partly by a short fanfic by author Charles Xavier (no, not the one you're thinking of).**

_Omake 16 - Fowl Play at NERV HQ_

The pilots were all gathered in the briefing room, where Misato and Ritsuko were about to announce something-or someone-to them.

"All right guys," Misato started, "with the threat of the next Angel over our heads, we've been sent an additional pilot for backup. So let me introduce you to the newest addition to our corps." Her hand pointed towards the approaching plugsuit-clad figure. "Everyone, meet the 7th Child, Jun Boo-yaku!" When the new pilot stood fully-revealed, the other pilots were taken by surprise by how...unusual he looked. He was a bit taller than them, and had distinctly...avian-like features, complete with a beak and feathers. Even his legs looked more birdlike than human. The pilots, at first, were unsure of what to say, until Toji spoke up first.

"Uh, well, welcome to the team, new guy!" he said as he held out a hand. Boo-yaku stared at Toji's hand curiously, as if he didn't understand the gesture.

"Brahk," Boo-yaku responded. "Bahk-bahk-bahk..."

The others were puzzled by this.

"Great, first weirdo we've gotten in a while," Asuka muttered under her breath.

"H-hello," Shinji greeted. "I hope we work well together."

The words that came out of Rei's mouth proved to be quite unexpected. "I believe he is a chicken," the bluenette said.

The others were taken aback by what Rei had just said.

"Rei! I'm surprised at you," Shinji said.

"Never took you for the type who'd jump to conclusions so quickly," Asuka added. "And believe me, I'd know!"

"Yeah, Ayanami, you just met the guy!" Toji chimed in. "You don't even know what he'll be like as a pilot!"

"But it is the truth," Rei responded. "I am telling you that Boo-yaku is a chicken, a _giant_ chicken."

"Really, Rei, we usually expect better of you," Ritsuko slightly scolded as she ushered everyone into the testing chambers.

Minutes later, everyone was observing Boo-yaku as he sat in Unit-01's entry plug.

"You doing fine in there, Boo-yaku?" Misato asked through the comms.

"Brahk brahk brahk-khah!" the '7th Child' responded as he gave something of a thumbs-up.

"How's it looking?" Misato asked as she turned to the bridge bunnies.

"Everything checks out for first stage," Makoto reported.

"Second stage went through successfully," Maya added.

"Readings are a bit unusual, but so far, so good," Shigeru threw in. "Annnnd...third stage passed."

All eyes then turned to the purple EVA as its eyes lit up. Then, to everyone's shock, the EVA suddenly broke free from its restraints...and did something completely unexpected. It started scratching at the floor with its foot while flapping its arms as if they were wings, and then appeared to peck at random spots on the ground.

"Wha-what's going on?!" Ritsuko asked. "What the heck is Boo-yaku doing in there?!"

Suddenly, EVA Unit-01 stopped and started clutching its head, before it then got to its knees and forcefully ejected the entry plug. The metal cylinder went flying out of the EVA's back before landing in another part of the test chamber.

"Quick! Get a medical team down there and get him out!" Misato ordered as she and the others went down to check on the new pilot's well-being. By the time they'd gotten down there, the plug had been opened, spilling LCL out onto the floor, and Boo-yaku stumbled out in a daze. As he wobbled about, his plugsuit got caught on a broken part of the plug and was torn straight off. The staff and pilots found themselves further shocked by what stood revealed in front of them.

Boo-yaku Jun was, in fact, a giant chicken. Literally.

"Bahk-bahk-bahk-kah!" Boo clucked, flapping and running around like an actual chicken would.

The others just stood there, gaping at the sight before them, nearly-speechless. Only Rei said something to break the tension.

"I believe I told you all that he was a chicken," she affirmed. "And I was _not_ calling anyone names."

Up in the Commander's office, Gendo and Fuyutsuki observed all this on a closed-circuit monitor. The two commanders looked at each other, still stunned and befuddled by what had just occurred, if the massive sweat drops by their heads indicated anything.

"Fuyutsuki?" Gendo asked.

"Yes, Ikari?" the former professor replied.

"Is it just me, or has the Committee gotten...sloppy?"

The next thing Boo knew, he was literally kicked out of NERV HQ and landed on the ground outside the pyramid-shaped building. Unfazed by this, the large chicken stood back up, dusted himself off, and began making his way out of the city.

Freakazoid and Freakazette then appeared from below the screen and turned to address us.

"Come on, sing it with us now," Freakazoid urged.

"You all know you want to!" Freakazette added.

The two of them then launched into a familiar refrain.

Freakazoid and Freakazette:

_**You wear a disguise,**_

_**to look like human guys,**_

_**but you're not a man,**_

_**you're a chicken, Boo!**_


	44. Episode 43

The shot opened on Freakazoid standing on a set. In the background, most of our cast were sitting at a phone bank answering calls, a burgundy curtain behind them.

Freakazoid: "Hi there, folks! I know what you're thinking-the hilarious, yet action-packed story you're currently reading, interrupted? By a pledge drive? Those boring things? Well, don't get me wrong, I'm not too fond of them myself, but it's all for a good cause! 90% of the money raised here goes to public broadcasting! With _your_ support, public television brings you a wide variety of entertaining programs! Like 'Masterpiece Mystery: The Cornetto Criminologists', starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost; Ken Burns's 'Paddleball', a 127-part documentary; and for you kids who are avid watchers of educational programming, 'The Baloney the Dinosaur Show'! There's a number of ways that viewers like you can contribute! You can fill out the section on your tax form for multiple deductions, or sign over your IRA. Of course, there's always making the one-time contribution of $50, which gets you a free 'Super-Wackos of EVA: NERV Freaks Out' tote bag and drawstring backpack set! Or, for doubling your contribution, we'll throw in a copy of the 'NERV Freaks Out' DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack too!"

The shot then focused on a few random characters as they answered the ringing phones.

Shinji: "H-Hello, thanks for calling, how much would you like to pledge today?"

Asuka: "Yello, what's your pledge?...You call _that_ a pledge?! Open your wallet a bit, why don't ya?!" [Asuka then slammed the phone back onto the receiver.] "Lousy cheapskate..."

Shigeru: "What's up? Care to make a pledge?" [Shigeru's eyes then widened a bit in surprise when he learned just who was on the other line. He then replied in a slight whisper.] "Mom, will you stop that? My rep's already takin' a hit because of this!"

Freakazette: "Hiya-hiya-hiya! How much are we pledging today?...Why yes, ma'am, the tote bag comes free with the pledge...Uh, I'm not sure if it comes in green..."

Fuyutsuki: "Hello, yes? Will you be making a pledge today?...Yes sir, we do take most major credit cards...I'm sorry sir, but personal checks are strictly prohibited..."

Freakazoid then popped up in front of the camera again.

Freakazoid: "So don't wait, don't hesitate! Call the number on your screen here-that's 1-888-PBS-JOKE; again, 1-888-PBS-JOKE. Our operators, as you can see here, are standing by, ready to take your calls! Make your contribution today!"

**Announcer: "The preceding bit was brought to you, in part, by the fine people in public broadcasting, and by contributions from viewers like you. Thank you. And now, on with our story!"**

**Episode 37 - The One for Which We Couldn't Come Up with a Clever Title**

Misato, Ritsuko, Maya and Makoto were carpooling into work today, as it were. The four were currently in the Major's Alpine-Renault as it was brought further into the Geofront via conveyor track. Thanks to the bug jammers installed in her car by Kaji, and with the background noise of the conveyor at work, it enabled the quartet to speak freely. The subject of their current conversation?

"So the Seventh Child's arrived," Makoto stated.

"What do we know?" Misato asked.

"His name's Kaworu Nagisa," Maya replied. "From what Hyuga and I have been able to dredge up, any records concerning his past were erased."

"Just like Rei..." Ritsuko quietly noted.

"One detail that does stick out?" Makoto started to say. "His birthday's the date of Second Impact. Coincidence? Don't think so."

"And according to my mother, him being sent here wasn't entirely by design," Ritsuko added. "She and R.O.D.D.Y. believe that a small number of the Committee's members are still loyal to Kihl's vision and smuggled Kaworu over here so he could make it a reality."

"Looks like they're not so happy with the current management, are they?" Misato mused.

"I also have a copy of Kaworu's Marduk Report," Ritsuko continued. "Any matter pertaining to him is also labeled strictly confidential. But my mother did throw something my way that might just confirm our worst fears."

"We'll have to cover that later," Misato said, as the conveyor delivered the car closer and closer to their destination. "We've still got his sync test to oversee, and we can't arouse any suspicion. Besides, this'll give us a good idea of what he's capable of."

**The testing lab, minutes later...**

The four pilots were all sitting in their test plugs, concentrating as their sync rates were measured. Kaworu, as the new guy, had a test plug quickly set up for himself and was doing his part as well, clad in a plugsuit similar to Toji's save for the lighter shade. When it came to his numbers, a number of the staff were a bit surprised by what they were reading.

"Are these readouts accurate?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"All instruments are operating normally, sir," Makoto reported in response.

"No errors found by the MAGI, either," Maya added.

"I see," Fuyutsuki replied. "Even if these are just simulations of each Evangelion's core configuration, it's astonishing that this boy can sync perfectly with every one of them."

"I know what you mean, sir," Maya concurred, "what he's doing should be totally impossible."

"Still, he's somehow doing this," Misato chimed in. "That's the fact, we just need to figure out the how and why."

Minutes later, the tests had finished and the pilots all left the locker rooms to head out for the rest of the day. Ahead of her friends, Rei found herself face-to-face with Kaworu.

"Ah, Rei Ayanami, the First Child, I presume?" Kaworu asked. "We never did have the chance to properly meet at school yesterday."

Rei said nothing, merely staring at Kaworu with a blank expression.

"You're the same as me," the newly-minted Seventh Child said.

This time, Rei responded with a mild glare.

"...Is that supposed to be a 'pick-up' line?" Rei asked.

Hearing this confused Kaworu. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the term," he replied. "What I mean is, we both have taken on the form of the Lilim while we exist on this planet."

Rei, still giving him a mild glare, did not take the bait. "I do not know what you are talking about," she said, feigning ignorance. This only served to confuse Kaworu further. The encounter between those two did not go unnoticed as Gendo and Fuyutsuki observed their interaction via one of the security cameras.

"It appears the Seventh Child's made contact with Rei," Fuyutsuki noted.

"So I see," Gendo noted, sitting in his usual pose. "It would appear that a few among the Committee haven't entirely taken to Gutierrez's way of doing things and seek to follow Kihl's scenario, hence the boy's appearance on our doorstep."

Fuyutsuki nodded. "Currently, the MAGI is pouring all its energy and resources into analyzing his data," the former professor stated. "We'll hopefully get the results by tomorrow."

**A meeting of the SEELE council, around the same time...**

Armando Gutierrez did not look pleased. And thanks to his policy of 'no avatars', all the Committee members could see it right in his face, just as he could see their nervous, pensive faces in return.

"Gentlemen," he began to say, "it would appear that there is some...dissent among our ranks." He eyed, in particular, SEELE-02, 05, and 07, the Russian, Chinese, and American representatives, respectively.

"What are you implying?" SEELE-02 asked.

"I am implying," Gutierrez replied, "that the Nagisa boy-whose true nature I am _very much_ aware of-was smuggled out of the Berlin NERV facility and is now in Japan, passing himself off as the newest back-up Evangelion pilot. I am also implying that you three had a hand in seeing to his arrival in that part of the world. All of which after I _deliberately_ declared that the Human Instrumentality Project was to be permanently discontinued."

SEELE-02, 05 and 07 swallowed nervously.

"Just what proof do you have?" SEELE-07 asked.

Gutierrez, at that question, minced no words. "Each of you, like the others here, has become very good at covering your tracks over the years in order to maintain the secrecy of this organization," the supervillain said. "Unfortunately, some are not as good as others." He then smiled a sinister smile. "It was brought to my attention that you three recently pooled together a large amount of your personal air miles to offset the cost of a plane flight for a specific passenger, who I am assuming is the Nagisa boy."

The other Committee members looked at 02, 05, and 07 with great surprise, while the trio began to sweat profusely.

"I am afraid I will have to make an example of you three," Gutierrez stated. "Normally, I would personally squeeze each of you, and keep on squeezing each of you, until all your man juices run dry. But, I will not. Be grateful that your punishment will not be as severe as you think it is." He then held up a remote. "You'll recall that you each had cleaning crews going over your respective offices a week or so ago, correct?"

The trio nervously nodded 'yes'.

"Those cleaning crews were sent by me, with an additional task: to install hyper-speed capsule chutes. Each one located directly under where you currently sit. Each one designed to take you to where you shall receive your punishment. So for now, enjoy your trip...to the Lounge of Terror!" Gutierrez then pressed the button, and soon the images of the trio all vanished while the three men screamed with surprise. At great speeds, their capsules carried each of them through a network of covertly-built tubes running underground, until they were deposited in a strange room that resembled a typical old-school nightclub/lounge setting. The three men looked at each other, confused by their current surroundings. They were then brought out of their confused state when a spotlight shone on the stage in the center, as a platform rose from below to deposit a figure in front of the mic stand. The figure in question resembled a certain classic comedian known to partner with a famous crooner, and was wearing a powder blue tuxedo. As soon as the music started up, the man began to dance-and sing-quite badly.

Man:

_**Oooooh, LAY-DEE!**_

_**I know a lady,**_

_**with high heel shoes,**_

_**and socks and pantyhose,**_

_**oh pretty LAY-DEEEEE!**_

The eyes of the three SEELE council members went wide with fright as they then screamed in horror.

**Rei's apartment, that evening...**

Shinji and Asuka were hanging out with Rei at her place. They were there to discuss the First Child's impressions of the new pilot, and to confirm their suspicions of him.

"So you really think he's what we think he is?" Asuka asked.

Rei nodded. "I could sense the familiar aura about him, as well as the specific wavelength of his AT-Field," the bluenette replied. "There is no doubt about it-Nagisa is a hybrid like myself, though he is of Adam whereas I am of Lilith."

"But that's not all there is to him, is there?" Shinji asked in turn.

"Correct," Rei answered as she stroked Kablooie, who was laying on his back in her lap, reveling in the attention he was getting. "The light of his soul gave me all I needed to know. He holds the very soul of Adam, the First Angel. It can only mean that Nagisa is the 17th Angel."

Both Shinji and Asuka's eyes widened with shock upon hearing this.

"_Schnike..._" Asuka uttered.

"What do we do?" Shinji pondered. "We can't let him know that we know yet. And so far he hasn't made any attempt to get into Terminal Dogma."

Asuka then gave it some thought for a bit before coming up with a suggestion. "Let's try and keep him occupied for a while, take him through the city, show him the sights. Maybe we can coax some SEELE secrets out of him if we're clever enough."

"It is certainly worth a try," Rei concurred. "If he is anything like I was before, he will find a lot of aspects of human culture quite strange, which should engage his curiosity long enough for us to come up with a plan to deal with him."

Shinji and Asuka nodded in affirmation. The former then caught sight of Rei's wall clock.

"Right now, I think it's time I got dinner started," Shinji said. "Hope you two like the sound of homemade pizza. I've always wanted to try my hand at it."

"Heh, oh don't you worry," Asuka started to say. "At this point, the way you cook, I have every confidence you'll blow our minds, and our taste buds, sky high."

"I second that opinion," Rei added.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Another bit of filler, my apologies. But not to worry-the action (and the funny) return next chapter!**

**The opener with the pledge drive is my little shout-out to PBS on their 50th anniversary this year. Like many of you, PBS definitely left a mark on me in my early years.**

**Gutierrez's squeezing threat is lifted from the ****_Freakazoid_****, season one finale "The Wrath of Gutierrez". The punishment he inflicts on the three SEELE members is inspired by King Salazar's method of torture that he employed in the 1999 ****_Animaniacs _****feature film ****_Wakko's Wish_****. The method in question utilizes Paul Rugg's Mr. Director character, a full-on caricature of the comedy legend Jerry Lewis.**

**Tune in next time, where we see the return of another little-seen ****_Animaniacs _****character as well as the final confrontation with Kaworu, in a way you wouldn't expect, AND involving a Freakazoid villain I hadn't touched...Till now...**


	45. Episode 44

Gendo stared up at the gigantic, normally-frightening visage of Evangelion Unit-01, which was currently offline. He was alone in its cage, and had checked beforehand to make sure there was no one else around.

"The time that has been given to us runs short," he said to no one in particular; though in truth, it was if he was trying to speak with Yui, thinking she could hear him from within the EVA's core. "Though the Lance of Longinus was not disposed of according to plan, there may still be some use for it when the moment comes. Soon, the final Angel will make its move. If we destroy it, our wish will come true." He then looked down at something in his right palm, which we couldn't see due to the camera angle looking at the back of his hand. [Cinematographer's idea, trust me.] "Just a little longer, Yui. Just a little bit longer, and soon, the scenario will be fulfilled."

"No it won't!" a far off voice shouted in response.

Gendo's eyes widened with surprise upon hearing that as he looked back up. He then looked around, only to see the cage was still empty. The Commander of NERV was now annoyed, and due to his habit of always wanting the last word in, he replied to the mysterious, doubting voice.

"Yes, it will," Gendo said, unmoving from his spot.

"...Won't!" the voice shouted in return.

Gendo looked around again, scratching his head in confusion, before ultimately shrugging with a grunt as he turned to exit the cage. As soon as he left, Freakazoid peeked out from behind Unit-01's head. He looked around to see if the coast was clear, and then faced us, a big mischievous grin on his face.

"Ain't I a stinker?" he slyly said with a wink.

**Episode 38 - Live, from the Chamber of Gauf...**

The afternoon sun was setting as the group of students made their way to one of the usual hangouts for kids downtown. The only difference from their previous outings was the addition of a new face in their group, as Kaworu was joining them. The whole time they walked around downtown, Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Kensuke, and Mayumi warily kept an eye on the ashen-haired boy for any signs of him possibly tipping his hand. Eventually, their wanderings took them to the arcade for a round of games. Surprisingly, even for being a self-described first-timer, Kaworu proved to be adept at most of the games. The group made their way through a few of their usual games-the racers, the fighting titles, and with the case of Toji, the hoop-shooters-before Mayumi noticed one particular game that stood out.

"Hey guys, you ever see this one before?" the bookworm asked.

When the others turned to look, except for Rei and Kaworu, surprised looks adorned their faces. The game they were looking at was one they hadn't seen before, but to Freakazoid and Freakazette (observing as they were from their respective Freakazones), they recognized it right away.

_Aw, no way, they brought it back?_ Freakazoid wondered excitedly.

_Wowza wowza wowza, I haven't thought of this game in years!_ Freakazette said in turn.

The teens walked over to take a closer look, where Hikari then read the game's title out loud.

"_Virtual Tussle_?" she said, slightly perplexed by the sight of the new game.

The console setup consisted of four platforms, each with a virtual reality helmet hanging above them. Behind the platforms was a screen where the action in the game itself could be observed. Standing on each side of the platforms were two life-size statues of two of the avatar characters from within the game. Aside from color scheme, the models were the exact same: tall, futuristic armored soldiers. The red one was identified as "Portho, of the Glim System", while the blue one was "Mel, of the Suburb of Morton Grove".

"Shall we give this one a try?" Kaworu suggested. The others blanked for a bit, looked at one another, and decided to take Kaworu up on his idea. He, Kensuke, Shinji, and Asuka volunteered to give it a shot, and each soon was on a platform and had a VR helmet on their heads. As the others watched on the screen, the avatar characters appeared on the planetoid setting one by one. Shinji had taken on Mel, Asuka was playing as Portho, and Kensuke and Kaworu had each been given some newer characters introduced for more multiplayer functions: a yellow one named Argessian for Kensuke, and a green one named Bob for Kaworu. The next few minutes saw the quartet playing through what amounted to a virtual combination of laser tag and capture the flag, while fending off virtual pterodactyls in addition to each other. Freakazoid, being quite familiar with the game, gave Kensuke a number of tips and tricks to help him through the challenges, and when the timer finally reached 0, Kensuke had come out on top, managing to out-shoot three well-trained EVA pilots.

"Not bad, Aida," Asuka said as she lifted the helmet off her head and shook it to regain her hair's shape. "Not at my level just yet, but still."

"What she said," Shinji added. "I didn't think any of us would win, since we've never played this one before."

"I wonder what led to this particular game's arrival in this establishment," Kaworu commented.

Upon saying that, the kids were met by a man wearing a jacket that had the logo of the game's manufacturer on the back. He was a short, slightly portly Westerner with gray hair and a placid, unemotional look on his face.

"How do you do," the man greeted in monotone, "the name's Francis Pumphandle, but everyone calls me 'Pip'. I'm a rep with the company behind _Virtual Tussle_." He held his hand out to shake, which Kaworu took. "It's an interesting story, actually. You see, the game itself was based on the creator's attempt at a screenplay for a sci-fi film that kept getting turned down by everyone in Hollywood, so he took it to a game developer..."

For the next hour or so, the group stood there, bored out of their skulls, as Pip told his long-winded story about how the game was added to the arcade. The whole time, he never let go of Kaworu's hand, stuck as if in a perpetual handshake while the Adam-derived Nephilim struggled to free it from the man's grip, to no avail. The others were close to falling asleep on their feet, since Pip's ramblings were just as potent as that of the teacher Boa-Magnon was currently filling in for.

"...Which brings me to the time where I met Mr. Shigeru Miyamoto, the father of Mario himself, at a trade show back in that watershed year in video gaming that was 1990..."

Unlikely salvation came for the group when the doors to the arcade burst open as a colorfully-costumed villain leaped in, his two henchmen at his side. He appeared to be quite geeky for a villain, and held what looked like a strange-looking vacuum cleaner in his hands.

"All right, people, just stay where you are, and this'll all be over soon!" the villain declared in an almost non-threatening, somehow nasally voice. "Allow my associates and I to relieve you and the consoles of your hard-earned money, and we'll be on our way. Consider this payback for all the quarters taken from me over the years by unrelenting programs and coding disguised as harmless gaming fun! So says the head of the Arcade Fireplugs!"

_Yeesh, where's the creativity with this guy?_ Freakazoid mused.

_I know, right? It's like he stepped out of a low-rent Dozier show,_ Freakazette concurred.

Kensuke and Mayumi briefly looked to each other and nodded. They then quietly crept backwards towards the hall where the restrooms were, and after making sure the coast was clear, said only three words:

"Oooh, Freak Out!"

In a flash of light and static, Freakazoid and Freakazette now stood where the two bespectacled teens were and quickly zipped behind the Arcade Fireplugs, taking them by surprise as they turned around.

"Sorry, pal, but there's only room on this planet for _one_ angry video game nerd!" Freakazoid said.

**-X-**

The moment that was said, somewhere in America, one James Rolfe sneezed. He looked around his home office/studio confusedly, wondering what had prompted the sneeze in the first place.

**-X-**

One requisite Adam West-style fight scene later (glossed over for convenience's sake and for the sake of moving the plot along to the good stuff), the Arcade Fireplugs were being loaded into a police car while Sgt. Kusagabe and another officer took statements. Meanwhile, the Freaks had reconvened with the EVA pilots and their friends, and had told them that Kensuke and Mayumi had snuck off to call the police.

"Thanks again for saving us," Shinji said.

"Though honestly, I could've taken that guy with one hand behind my back," Asuka said. "I mean really, other than a glorified vacuum cleaner, he looked pretty harmless."

"Still, you never know," Freakazette said with a shrug. Hers and Freakazoid's attention then turned to the new face among the teens.

"You must be this Freakazoid and Freakazette I've been hearing much about," Kaworu said as he shook Freakazoid's hand. "I never expected to see an example of your exploits up close like this."

"I'll bet," Freakazoid said in turn. "But hey, I wouldn't be surprised if we run into each other again soon." He gave Kaworu a knowing wink, which surprised the Nephilim a bit (though he did his best not to show it). "Anyway, love to stay and chat, but me and 'Zette gotta go see if there's anything else that needs thwarting, foiling, or otherwise. Later!" The two Freaks then got into their usual 'flying' runs as they 'sped' out of sight, much to the befuddlement of the group of teens they left. (Well, save for Rei and Kaworu.)

_There is no doubt about it,_ the Seventh Child thought to himself warily, _this is indeed one of _those _universes. *Sigh* This will be more difficult than I thought..._

**Lake Ashi, the following early morning...**

A light mist floated over the water as Kaworu stood on the same statue where he first met Shinji and Asuka only a couple of days before. He was preparing to report in to his handlers on the progress of the mission. When he turned on his personal holo-comm, he grew surprised when the face of Armando Gutierrez greeted him.

"Expecting someone else now, were you?" Gutierrez asked.

Kaworu didn't answer at first, but then replied "What happened to SEELE-02?"

Gutierrez let a small smirk appear on his face before answering. "He, along with 05 and 07, in response to their attempted defiance of my orders, are currently enduring a punishing stay in the 'Lounge of Terror'." He then briefly looked at his watch. "And if my timing is correct, by now the Tony Orlando tribute act should be coming on."

Kaworu shuddered at the very thought of 1970's easy listening acts. While he may have had a great appreciation for Lilim music, that particular genre was one of his major exceptions.

"Which brings me of course to you, Mr. Nagisa," Gutierrez continued. "Or rather, _Tabris_, correct?"

Meanwhile, the two of them were unaware that they were being watched. Kaji and Misato, utilizing a pair of high-powered binoculars and sophisticated listening equipment, had been spying on the conversation from the latter's car.

"So that's Gutierrez, huh?" Misato wondered quietly.

"Yep indeed," Kaji replied. "If you're wondering why half his face looks like the going-out-of-business sale at a Circuit City, apparently it's from when he fought Freakazoid after learning how to tap into the Pinnacle chip's flaw."

"Where'd you learn about that?" Misato asked, surprised by his knowledge of such a specific event.

"I checked the Wiki, where else?" Kaji replied with a wink to us.

"Funny, he kinda reminds me of the guy from _Fantasy Island_, for some reason," Misato noted.

"And it looks like, based on how I'm reading his lips, that he's on to whatever the rogue Committee members were up to," Kaji said. "Must be telling the kid to abort the mission or face the consequences..."

Suddenly, Misato saw Kaworu turn to face her direction, almost as if he were looking straight at her.

"Uh-oh," Misato said as she put her binoculars down, "I _think_ we'd better go..."

She and Kaji then quickly stashed the equipment in the back seat of the car and promptly sped off.

**A bridge near the Tokyo-3 city limits, an hour or so later...**

Kaji and Misato met with Makoto to compare notes on their way into work. He'd told them that Ritsuko and Maya had some new information that definitely confirmed what they were all thinking. As soon as they reached HQ and found a nice, secluded spot far from any prying eyes, the two members of Tech Division One shared their findings.

"Well?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko and Maya nodded to each other briefly before the former replied. "It's definitely confirmed," she said.

"Kaworu's data from the sync test is theoretically impossible," Maya reported. "But based on the analysis of a DNA sample Ritsuko's mother was able to get a hold of..."

"It can only mean what we've all dreaded," Ritsuko said. "Kaworu's likely the final messenger."

**The EVA cages, around the same time...**

Kaworu looked around carefully as he sneaked his way into the cages. The conversation he'd had with Gutierrez was on his mind: the current leader of SEELE had ordered him to essentially pack up his things and prepare for extraction from Tokyo-3. On the surface, Kaworu had begrudgingly accepted; however, the Call was too strong for him to ignore, so despite being the Angel of Free Will, he opted to attempt to carry out his purpose and seek to reunite with Adam. He also figured that, in this way, he could avoid the pitfalls that came with being in this particular kind of universe.

"Now then, which of you shall aid me in my journey into Terminal Dogma...?" he said quietly to himself as he looked over the Evangelions. He quickly passed on Unit-00, seeing as how it was too unpredictable. Unit-01 and Unit-02 were seemingly locked out to him, since the connection between the pilots and the resident souls of the EVAs' cores was quite stronger than he'd imagined. Finally, he found his candidate as he looked upon the obsidian form of Unit-03.

"Very well. You shall do," Kaworu/Tabris said. With that, he turned and began to float above the liquid Bakelite as Unit-03's eyes then began to glow.

**The bridge, minutes later...**

Alarms blared and emergency lights flashed throughout the complex as everyone scrambled to get a bead on the threat that had suddenly emerged in their own house.

"Unit-03's activated!" Makoto alarmingly reported.

"And Toji's not in the plug!" Shigeru added as he brought up security footage of the Sixth Child, who'd just walked out of the locker room and was surprised by the sudden state of emergency.

"Confirmed!" Maya stated as she pored over her screen. "Unit-03's unmanned! No entry plug present!"

"Then that means..." Misato started to say as she looked towards Ritsuko.

"He's doing it," Ritsuko said, anticipating her friend's question. "The 17th Angel's making a break for Terminal Dogma."

Meanwhile, Kaworu/Tabris and the EVA he controlled sped through the long shaft down towards Terminal Dogma, undeterred by the multiple locking attempts that had been ordered by Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki. Speaking of the sub-commander, he turned to Gendo to voice his thoughts.

"Looks as if Gutierrez didn't give the boy enough incentive to return to Berlin," he noted.

"Yes," Gendo concurred, his hands in their usual position. "In the end, he truly is living up to his moniker of the Angel of Free Will."

**A meeting of the SEELE council, right at that moment...**

"What's the meaning of this?" Gutierrez demanded, "I gave the boy strict orders to await his extraction!"

"Er, sir," SEELE-03 started to reply, "it could be that the 'Call' was too strong for even the Angel of Free Will to overcome."

Gutierrez grunted before responding. "Very well," he stated. "It appears that this will be in Ikari's hands now. We can only hope NERV is successful in preventing catastrophe..."

**The bridge, Central Dogma, presently...**

"They're breaking through the armored partitions!" Shigeru reported.

"Understood," Misato replied before turning to the main screen. She'd ordered Shinji, Asuka and Rei to scramble and get into their EVAs. Toji had been found and brought to the bridge for safety's sake.

"Aww, man! Why'd my EVA have to get hijacked again?" the Sixth Child lamented.

"Guys, your target is Unit-03 and the Angel controlling it," Misato commanded. "Stop them from making it into Terminal Dogma, or else we might as well kiss everything we hold dear goodbye!"

"Yes, ma'am!" the three pilots replied as they made their way down the shaft to catch up with the human-looking Angel and the enthralled EVA. Soon enough, the trio got them within their sights. Kaworu/Tabris turned to face the new arrivals.

"I've been expecting you," he stated, a sad smile on his face.

Unit-01 reached out and found itself grappling with Unit-03, as if it were a long-awaited rematch.

"Kaworu! You don't have to do this!" Shinji pleaded. "We could've found another way!"

"Save it, Shinji!" Asuka barked as she drew her prog-knife. "There's no backing out of this!"

Unit-03, freeing one of its hands, drew its own knife and the blades soon clashed, sparks flying everywhere.

"Rei, take him out!" Asuka shouted as she continued to parry Unit-03's blade.

"I cannot," Rei replied, "I do not have a clear shot!"

"Kaworu, why are you doing this?!" Shinji pleaded again. "You've gotta know things are different! We don't have to fight!"

Kaworu/Tabris sighed before responding. "I am truly sorry, Shinji. Though I may call myself the Angel of Free Will, this is one instance where I cannot ignore the Call."

By the time he finished that sentence, the EVAs had reached the lowest level and were struggling to keep the intruders from entering the innermost chambers. Misato, back up on the bridge, leaned over to quietly speak with Makoto.

"Is the 'last resort' set?" she asked.

Makoto nodded 'yes'. "Self-destruct is in place. If the EVAs fail..."

"Then let's pray they don't," Misato said in turn. "Truthfully, I'm not ready to meet my maker just yet."

**Terminal Dogma...**

Kaworu/Tabris flung the doors to the Chamber of Gauf open, child's play for one with power such as his; at the same time, the EVAs were wearing down Unit-03, which finally collapsed in defeat as the 17th Angel's control wavered. Speaking of, what met the Angel's astonished eyes as soon as he looked inside proved to be a different matter entirely. (The pilots, and those observing on the bridge, felt the same way.)

"What in the progenitor's name...?" Kaworu/Tabris wondered aloud, dumbfounded.

Lilith was still there on her cross, the Lance of Longinus sticking out of her, but the rest of the Chamber's interior had been turned into a game show set, a sort of bizarre combination of _Jeopardy!_, _The Price is Right_, and _Wheel of Fortune_.

**[Suggested music: The Family Feud theme song (Harvey era version).]**

**Announcer: "Geeeetttt ready, because it's time for everyone's favorite game show..."**

Studio Audience [as a stylized title animation appeared]:

**"WIN A DATE WITH LILITH!"**

**Announcer: "And now, here's your host: Freakazoid!"**

Freakazoid then came out stage right, waving to his 'audience', dressed in a suit version of his costume. A smiling Freakazette appeared from behind one of the set pieces, dressed in a Vanna White-like getup with a long, flowing blue dress as she also waved to the 'audience'.

Freakazoid then appeared to knock on his chest as he faked a cough, before switching to a pair of waving jazz hands. "Thank you, thank you, how are yaaaa?" Freakazoid greeted in a Bittman-like fashion as the applause died down. "Welcome to another exciting edition of 'Win a Date with Lilith', where one lucky contestant gets the chance to, what else, win a date with the Second Angel! Let's meet today's contestant-take it away, Joe!"

Kaworu/Tabris suddenly found himself behind a podium with his name on it as a spotlight shone on him, much to his surprise.

**Announcer: "Competing today is 15-year-old Kaworu Nagisa, also known as Tabris, the 17th Angel, aka the Angel of Free Will. He's a student at Tokyo-3 Municipal Middle School, works part-time as a back-up Evangelion pilot (designated the Seventh Child), holds the soul of Adam the First Angel, and is a fan of classical music."**

Freakazoid then popped up beside Kaworu/Tabris, a microphone in-hand.

"Welcome to the show, kid, how're ya doin' today?" Freakazoid asked as he pointed the mic at Kaworu, who was growing more perturbed by this turn of events.

"Oh, uh, er..." the 17th Angel started to say, "I guess I'm, um, glad to be here?"

Freakazoid gave him a light slap on the back. "Don't worry, it's okay to have a bit of stage jitters, we all get them from time to time, isn't that right folks?"

The unseen studio audience then laughed a bit at Freakazoid's comment.

"Glad to have ya on today, kid," Freakazoid continued. "Let me be upfront here, while a date with Lilith is the main prize, even if you come up short, that doesn't mean you'll go home empty-handed! There's plenty of other prizes up for grabs, isn't that right Joe?"

**Announcer: "Today's selection of consolation prizes include the following..."**

Freakazette then presented that which was behind the first curtain that opened.

**Announcer: "A brand-new Schwinn mountain unicycle, able to run on the roughest terrain!"**

Freakazette then walked to a second curtain and presented what was behind it as it opened.

**Announcer: "A year's supply of aglets, those little plastic tips that go on the ends of your shoelaces!"**

Freakazette then walked to a third curtain and presented that which sat behind it as it opened.

**Announcer: "And finally, an all-expenses paid trip to see every Howard Johnson's still in existence in the USA!"**

Freakazoid then walked over to the center of the floor. "Well, what're we waiting for? Let's get to playing! Here's how it works..." He then pointed to a row of blank white squares. "Through three different challenges, your goal is to get the right letters to fill in all these blanks! Simple enough for you?"

Kaworu/Tabris looked our way for a moment, greatly confused, before turning back to Freakazoid. "Er, yes, I understand."

"Alllllll righty then!" Freakazoid replied. "Let's kick things off with our first challenge!"

Freakazette then presented a set piece that lit up on her cue, which looked like a large drawing easel.

"For challenge number one," Freakazoid instructed, "while Freakazette sketches an object, you have to guess what exactly it is she's drawing to fill out the first three blanks. Ready? Annnnd, start!"

A timer then appeared on Kaworu/Tabris's podium as he carefully, slightly nervously observed Freakazette as she sketched on the large pad of paper with an enormous pencil. She first drew two perpendicular ovals, with one a good distance above the other; she then connected the two of them with a straight line on each side, from one edge of one oval to the other. She then drew a couple of horizontal curved lines in the center, but before she finished drawing another shape within, Kaworu/Tabris quickly pressed his buzzer.

"A can!" Kaworu/Tabris said. "She's drawing an aluminum can!"

A bell sounded off as the letters C, A, and N appeared in the first three blanks.

"Nice job, kid! But we're not done just yet," Freakazoid said as he pointed to the next set piece. When it lit up, it was revealed to be a large sign with one thing on it: a blue letter E turned on its side, looking as if it were balancing on one of its points with the three prongs facing diagonally up and to the right.

"For challenge number two, it's a trivia round!" Freakazoid explained enthusiastically. "I'll read to you a trivia question inspired by the image on this sign here. The answer to the question is related to this image, which comes from an iconic logo. Answer correctly, and three of the letters from the answer will fill in three more blanks! Think carefully before answering, but don't take too long! Otherwise, time's up! Ya ready?"

Kaworu/Tabris briefly looked toward the staring EVAs before looking back at Freakazoid and reluctantly nodding, still befuddled by the situation he'd found himself in.

"Then let's tickle that brain of yours!" Freakazoid said as he held up a notecard with one hand while still holding the mic with the other. "The question is: 'Founded in 1984, ranking #51 on the _Fortune_ 500 list until 2014, and known for their innovations in electronic commerce and supply chain management, which American multinational computer technology company has this image in its logo?'"

Kaworu/Tabris looked at the image and began to plumb the depths of his knowledge for possible answers. He thought back to his time at NERV-Berlin, then to when he arrived in Tokyo-3. When he thought about his first day at school, he began to remember when he was given an assigned laptop. It was then that he had his 'eureka!' moment when he remembered the logo on top of the device when he was handed it...

Kaworu/Tabris quickly pressed his buzzer before the timer ran out. "Dell!" he answered. Once again, a bell sounded off as Freakazette pointed to the row of blanks, three more of which were replaced by the letters D, L, and E.

"Boy oh boy, aren't we on a hot streak today!" Freakazoid commented with slight applause. "Well, buckle up, kid, you're almost there! Just one last challenge, and you either win the big one, or go home with a nifty consolation prize or three! But we'll get to that, after a brief word from our sponsors!"

**Announcer: "Today's episode is brought to you by Anubis Markets, a division of Osiris Foods. Just shop at the sign of the jackal-headed man for food so good, you can eat it!"**

**The bridge, at the same time...**

While the 'commercial break' was going on, the rest of the staff on the bridge was stunned into a to near-speechless state by what had been happening. This was especially true of those observing from the command perch, as Gendo and Fuyutsuki traded wide-eyed double-takes.

"How on Earth did he even get all that in Lilith's chamber?" Fuyutsuki wondered with befuddlement.

"Forget that, sensei," Gendo replied, a slightly furious edge to his voice. "How on Earth did he even _know_ about Lilith's chamber in the first place?!"

**Terminal Dogma...**

"Annnd we're back, folks!" Freakazoid said. "It's now come down to the final challenge in today's episode-will our contestant manage to win big, or will he be going home with a brand new mountain unicycle? We're about to find out!" He then pointed towards Freakazette, who then pointed to the set piece that just lit up. On this board were three sentences laid out, each with a missing word indicated by a blank space.

"Here's your challenge, kid," Freakazoid explained to the still-dumbfounded Kaworu/Tabris. "For this lightning fill-in-the-blank challenge, each of these sentences has the same word or name in common. Figure out the connecting thread between all of them, and you've won the game! In the words of 2 Unlimited, are ya ready for this?!"

**[Suggested music: "Get Ready for This" by 2 Unlimited.]**

Kaworu/Tabris warily looked our way briefly before facing Freakazoid. "I am ready. Let's get this over with," the 17th Angel replied, slight resignation in his voice.

"Great!" Freakazoid said. "Then let's begin!"

He then pointed to the first sentence, which had a light turn on next to it.

**Announcer: "'Star of ****_One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest_****, ****_As Good As It Gets_****, and ****_A Few Good Men_****, _ Nicholson'."**

A second light then turned on next to the second sentence.

**Announcer: "'_ and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water...'"**

A third light then turned on next to the third sentence.

**Announcer: "And finally, ****_'Hit the road, _, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more!_****'"**

Freakazoid then turned to face Kaworu/Tabris. "All right, kid-what's the name all three sentences have in common?"

The timer on Kaworu/Tabris's podium then began to count down, as the Angel began thinking of a possible answer. The pilots and the staff up in Central Dogma looked on, some of them sweating with anticipation, a few crossing their fingers, and very few (namely, Gendo) looking on while attempting to show little emotion.

Kaworu/Tabris again thought back to his time at NERV-Berlin, when his form was younger. Something about the second sentence struck a minor chord with him, as he began remembering how one of the many caretakers who attended to him at Lorenz Kihl's behest read to him from a book of nursery rhymes...

Kaworu/Tabris then quickly pressed his buzzer. "Jack," he answered. "Jack Nicholson, 'Jack and Jill went up the hill', and 'Hit the road, Jack'."

Freakazoid looked at him intently. "Is that..._your final answer_?" he asked, with no sparse amount of dramatic ham. Kaworu/Tabris nodded his head 'yes'. A very dramatic tension hung in the air for what seemed like an eternity (even though it was only for two minutes) before Freakazoid spoke up again.

"That is..." A subtitle labeled **DRAMATIC PAUSE** then appeared underneath him briefly. "...CORRECT!"

He and Freakazette then pointed towards the row of blanks, whose final four spaces were replaced by the letters J, A, C, and K as a winning bell sounded, along with cheers and applause from the unseen studio audience.

"I won...?" Kaworu/Tabris wondered, slightly confused, before a smile appeared on his face. "I-I won!"

"And that's not all," Freakazoid hinted as the cheering and applause died down. "To take home one of the additional prizes, please state what the completed word on the board is!" He then pointed to the completed row.

"Oh! Uh, certainly," Kaworu/Tabris said. "It says Candle Jack. Just out of curiosity, why did you have me say it?"

"Hello..." a new, spooky whisper of a voice sounded. On hearing this, a slightly-startled Kaworu looked to his left and found himself face-to-face with a figure who'd suddenly appeared as if from out of nowhere. This wasn't lost on those watching, as many a pair of eyes widened at the sight of the stranger, with some people on the bridge reminded of a certain story told around the fire at summer camp.

The figure was lean and wiry, and wore a black bodysuit, along with a pair of gray short boots and gloves, and a pointy, gray, stitched-together hood and shawl combo with large, white eyes above the stitched mouth. The figure held an old brass candle holder with a lit candle in his right hand, while in his left hand was a coil of ACME progressive rope. Most notably, the figure was floating a couple of feet above the ground.

"Glad you could make it," Freakazoid said as he greeted the new arrival. "It's been so long!"

"Not a problem," the figure said. "Lucky for you, I had time to get more rope."

Kaworu/Tabris did a double-take from the figure to Freakazoid and back as the figure proceeded to loop the prog-rope around him. Finally, the Angel of Free Will looked our way, an un-amused look on his face, and said only two words:

"Oh, nutbunnies."

With Kaworu/Tabris all tied up, the figure then floated away, 17th Angel in tow.

"Thanks for playing, buh-bye now!" Freakazoid said as he and Freakazette waved goodbye.

The three pilots (and by extension their EVAs), their jaws dropped, looked to each other, speechless.

Up on the bridge, much of the staff felt the same. Clearing her throat, Misato spoke up.

"Status?" she asked.

"Oh! Uh, confirmed-pattern blue is gone," Makoto reported.

Up on the bridge, the commanders were completely dumbfounded by all that they just witnessed.

"Well, that was certainly a close one," Fuyutsuki noted as he wiped the sweat from his brow, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding in.

Back in Terminal Dogma, the music started up again as Freakazoid turned to address his audience.

"Well folks, that's all the time we have for today's episode!" he stated. "Tune in next week for another thrilling, exciting installment of..."

Unseen Studio Audience:

**"WIN A DATE WITH LILITH!"**

"Until then," he said as he started to sign off, "I'm your host, Freakazoid-see ya next time!"

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)**  
You all were probably expecting Janos Ivnovels, or maybe Mary Beth, weren't ya? ;)**

**The opening teaser follows the actual scene from NGE's 24th episode, up until 'No it won't!'. The dialogue that follows riffs on a scene from the eighth season episode of ****_The Simpsons_ titled**** "Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment". Freakazoid then closes out the teaser with a well-known Bug Bunny line, made most famous by the 1953 ****_Looney Tunes_**** short "Duck Amuck".**

**"Virtual Tussle" comes from the second season ****_Freakazoid _****episode "Virtual Freak", and was a parody of the 1991 arcade game ****_Dactyl Nightmare._**

**Pip Pumphandle (voiced by Ben Stein) originated in the ****_Animaniacs _****episode "Chairman of the Bored", where his shtick was telling long, boring stories. He later appeared in the ****_Pinky and the Brain _****finale "Star Warners" as Girth Plotz's means of extracting information from Princess Dot, and then in ****_Wakko's Wish_**** as the 'Desire Fullfilment Facilitator'.**

**Freakazette references William Dozier, the producer behind both the Adam West ****_Batman _****and the ****_Green Hornet_**** TV show from around the same time (starring a young Bruce Lee).**

**Freakazoid refers to James Rolfe, the title host of the long-running YouTube series ****_The Angry Video Game Nerd_****.**

**Kaji refers to the events of ****_Freakazoid's_**** season one finale, "The Wrath of Gutierrez". Misato makes note of Gutierrez's resemblance to his original voice actor, the late, great Ricardo Montalban, who among many iconic roles played Mr. Roarke, the enigmatic overseer of the titular landmass in _Fantasy Island_.**

**Freakazoid's bit with the fake cough and jazz hands is a nod to Eugene Levy's Bobby Bittman character from ****_SCTV_****, who is supposed to be a banal comedian and singer.**

**Howard Johnson's was a chain of American restaurants that operated for over 90 years. You might know the name from the 1984 Val Kilmer comedy vehicle ****_Top Secret!_****.**

**When Kaworu answers the final challenge, Freakazoid invokes Regis Philbin during his tenure as host of ****_Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?_****.**

**Ah yes, finally, the one Freakazoid villain I hadn't done anything with, until now. I knew right from the start that this was how I was going to deal with Kaworu, because of course this is what happens when ****_Evangelion _****crosses over with ****_Freakazoid_****. And besides, I wasn't worried-it's a dead meme, anyway. I absolutely had nothing to fear when using Candle Jack, so therefore-**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**Just kidding!**

**On a sad note, given the gameshow gimmick in this chapter, RIP legendary gameshow host Alex Trebek. Part of me's betting that wherever he is now, he's trading opinions with Sean Connery on their portrayals on _Saturday Night Live_.**


	46. Episode 45 - Musical Interlude 7

**Announcer: "...And now, a musical interlude, unplugged. With special guest star: "Weird Al" Yankovic."**

**-X-**

A spotlight focused on Freakazoid on one stool, and "Weird Al" on the one next to him. The bridge bunnies were behind them and to the right: Shigeru on acoustic guitar, Makoto on standing bass, and Maya on the tambourine. The three of them, without a clue as to why or how they'd gotten here in the first place, and much to their mutual confusion and disbelief, played along to Freakazoid and "Weird Al's" duet. It was a slower, more relaxed take on one of the latter's more underrated songs.

Freakazoid:

**_Put down your remote control,_**

**_Throw out your TV Guide._**

"Weird Al":

_**Put away your jacket,**_

_**There's no need to go outside.**_

Both:

_**Don't you know that-**_

Freakazoid:

_**We control the horizontal;**_

"Weird Al":

_**We control the vertical, too.**_

Both:

_**We gonna make a couch potato outta you!**_

Freakazoid:

_**That's what we gonna do now...**_

Both:

_**Don't change the channel!**_

_**Don't touch that dial!**_

_**We got it all on U-H-F.**_

"Weird Al":

**_Kick off your sneakers!_**

Freakazoid:

_**Stick around for a while!**_

Both

_**We got it all on U-H-F.**_

Freakazoid:

**_Don't worry 'bout your laundry..._**

"Weird Al":

_**Forget about your job...**_

Freakazoid:

_**Just crank up the volume,**_

"Weird Al":

**_And yank off the knob!_**

Freakazoid:

_**We got it all...**_

"Weird Al":

_**We got it all...**_

Both:

_**We got it all...on U-H-F!**_

[Both finish with a couple pairs of jazz hands flashing.]

**-X-**

**Announcer: "This concludes our musical interlude, unplugged. We now return to our story."**

****Author's Note(s)**  
Helloooo, and welcome to the final musical interlude of this story!**

**And for such a finale, again I'm inspired by "Weird Al" Yankovic-enough to actually 'include' the man himself!**

**The bit here this time is a takeoff on a recent addition to "Weird Al's" concert repertoire, in that he'll open with a medley of his songs done in the style of the legendary TV program **_**MTV Unplugged**_. **As for the song in question-the title number from the 'soundtrack' of the parodist's lone foray into feature films, 1989's ****_UHF_****-I felt it was quite fitting for a character like Freakazoid, who counts among his pastimes watching a wide variety of TV reruns.**


	47. Episode 46

**Episode 39 - Eight(een) is Enough**

In a dimensional plane not our own, a group of beings were convening. They had gathered to discuss their possible next move...Or rather, they would be, if eight of their number would stop laughing for a moment so some form of discussion could take place. The laughing group in question comprised eight of the eleven Angels that had been defeated strictly by NERV's Evangelions, made up of Sachiel through Sahaquiel; the five who were not amused, since they were the ones being laughed at, comprised Iruel, Bardiel, Zeruel, Arael, and Armisael, all of whom had been defeated through little involvement of the Evangelions due to the intervention of Freakazoid and friends. For those five, they had been rather...embarrassing defeats.

**"ENOUGH!"** Zeruel roared out in frustration, causing the others to quiet down a bit.

**"Have you all got that out of your systems?"** Armisael asked. **"In case you've forgotten, we've got important things to talk about."**

**"*Snicker* Yes, yes, I think we're all quite good,"** Shamshel replied in that haughty, snooty voice of hers.

**"Still, you gotta admit, Armie, you kinda dropped the ball when you had your chance-****_literally_****,"** Sachiel said, causing the others to try and stifle more laughter from the pun he just used.

**"*HHHHH* Be that as it may,"** Armisael began to say, **"with Tabris's defeat, it's very much official-our opportunities to initiate an impact and reunite with the All-Father have been used up."**

**"More like wasted,"** Iruel complained bitterly. **"I told you we should have strategized beforehand instead of just going in there with guns blazing each time!"**

**"Don't be moanin' and groanin' to us,"** Sandalphon said, **"you fellers didn't take that Freakawhosits into account. I mean how were you's s'posed to know about some Lilim havin' superpowers?"**

**"Eh, you eight were lucky, compared to us,"** Bardiel responded, also with a tinge of bitterness. **"At least you faced the humans when they were on their own. Soon as Iruel makes his attempt, BOOM! Things get screwy from there! And now look at us: out of we seven, Leiliel's gone native, Arael's lost his mind-"**

The others turned to notice the aforementioned Arael, all huddled up in a corner, rocking back and forth as he kept muttering the same thing over and over:

**"B-b-b-bird-bird-bird, bird is the word..."**

(At some point, Arael had decided to self-destruct in an attempt to silence the song that Freakazoid had stuck in his head. Unfortunately, it was still there even when he returned to the present plane of existence its brethren dwelt in.)

**"-And progenitor knows where Tabris got whisked away to!"** Bardiel finished as he threw whatever approximated his hands in the air.

**-X-**

**Undisclosed location, around the same time...**

Candle Jack and Kaworu/Tabris were sitting on a couch in the former's dwelling, a plate of nachos on the coffee table in front of them as they watched TV, laughing at the _Seinfeld_ rerun that was currently playing. In the time that had passed following the 17th Angel's anticlimactic defeat in Terminal Dogma, he'd been introduced by the oddball bogeyman to the wonders of TV reruns, along with some good current fare.

"Pfff-ha ha ha ha ha!" Kaworu/Tabris laughed as he saw antics involving Kramer and Newman. "I swear, the key to this show has got to be Kramer, no wonder it's so humorous!"

"See? I told you you'd enjoy this," Candle Jack said as he reached for another nacho.

"Oh, I was wrong, so wrong," Kaworu/Tabris commented as his right hand pointed at the TV set, "THIS is the crowning achievement of Lilim civilization."

"If you think that's good," Candle Jack started to say, "then just wait till I introduce you to _The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_."

**-X-**

**"Still, there must be something we can try,"** Iruel pondered.

**"Agreed,"** Zeruel concurred. **"I feel like we were cheated! There must be something we can do to initiate an impact, AND avenge our humiliating losses!"**

**"Perhaps we could send Baraqijal or Iblis,"** Armisael suggested. **"I'm sure either of them could succeed where we failed."**

**"You mean ****_those_**** two weenies?"** Sachiel responded sarcastically. **"They bolted the minute they heard Tabris was beaten. Said they didn't want to take any chance going up against the freakish Lilim."**

Ramiel at that point spoke up. **"Well, there's always...the 'nuclear option'."**

The others stared at the 5th Angel, 'wide-eyed', on hearing his suggestion.

**"You mean-?"** Matarael started to ask.

**"No way-"** Israfel added.

**"You're not seriously-"** Sahaquiel threw in.

**"...****_HIM_****?"** Shamshel finally asked. **"You can't be possibly suggesting-"**

**"What is it that the Lilim say?"** Ramiel countered. **"'Desperate times, desperate measures.' At the very least, the Lilim's fighting abilities may be either considerably weakened by the attempt or put out of action entirely as a result. We'll have some consolation in that sense."**

**"True, but still..."** Shamshel replied. **"You can't seriously be considering sending ****_him_**** in."**

**"And why shouldn't I?"** Ramiel asked incredulously.

**"For one thing, he's a gullible imbecile!"** Shamshel argued. **"For another, that's why we have a whole 100-page list of reasons why we don't send him in!"**

The other Angels conferred among themselves as they weighed Shamshel's argument.

**"SILENCE!"** Zeruel roared, causing the rest to pipe down. **"Ramiel is right! With him, we have one last shot to remake the Earth to our liking, so we must take it! Now, are there any more naysayers bold enough to speak otherwise...?"**

The other Angels looked at one another with a slight sense of trepidation before facing Zeruel and Ramiel, each one giving a slight shake of their heads indicating 'no'.

**"Very well,"** Ramiel said. **"Armisael, go awaken him. Tell him it is his turn to attempt a reunion with the All-Father."**

Armisael nodded and slithered off to go alert this mysterious, previously-unknown-to-us brethren of theirs, the whole time hoping that the big lummox wouldn't overwhelm him with his enthusiasm for finally getting a time to shine. That level of enthusiasm tended to leave the 16th Angel very...flat.

**"If they now truly think themselves unbeatable, then the Lilim will be sorely mistaken,"** Zeruel said forebodingly. **"For their Dead Sea Scrolls never said anything about them facing an ****_eighteenth_**** Angel..." **

**Tokyo-3, the following day...**

For the most part, the day had been quiet, boring, relatively peaceful. But as living in Tokyo-3 would tell you, there were big exceptions, and they usually reared their ugly heads as soon as the sound of the Angel alert system blared throughout the city streets and in every building. Right when they sounded, the civilian population all let out one collective exasperated sigh, followed by a mild face-palming, before getting up and hurrying on their way to the shelters.

At NERV HQ, the staff and pilots immediately scrambled to their stations, though for some key personnel, more than a few questions were on their minds. Some were voiced as soon as the MAGI had picked up a pattern blue in its scans.

"Rits, what's going on?!" Misato asked in a whisper, wanting to avoid drawing attention from the commanders. "I thought there were only supposed to be _seventeen_ Angels! What gives?!"

"Trust me, for once I'm just as clueless as you are," Ritsuko replied, also in hushed tones. "I've seen the Dead Sea Scrolls enough times to know there should be just seventeen, I don't understand what the deal is!"

Up on the command perch, the similar questions were being exchanged between the two commanders.

"Ikari, just what is going on?" Fuyutsuki asked in a hushed whisper. "We've been over the Scrolls many times, the prophecy specified seventeen messengers!"

"Sensei, for once I haven't a clue," Gendo replied as he shook his head. "All I can conclude is that it would appear the Dead Sea Scrolls aren't as infallible as we believed them to be, and this unexpected incursion proves as such."

Meanwhile, the pilots were pondering the situation as they made their way to the EVA cages.

"This is insane!" Asuka said. "I thought we'd gone through all the Angels! With that _Twilight_ reject out of the way we were supposed to be home free, for the most part!"

"I know!" Shinji concurred hurriedly, "Rei, do you have any idea why-?"

"I may," Rei answered quickly. "Through my limited connection to Lilith, I have been afforded some brief insight. It appears the defeated Angels are making one last attempt, and they've sent one they consider their last resort."

Both Shinji and Asuka swallowed a bit on hearing that last part, just as Toji caught up with them.

"Yo, what're you guys talkin' about?" he asked.

"Nothing!" the two of them replied quickly as all four reached the cages and started making their way into their respective entry plugs. As soon as Misato gave the word, the four EVAs were rocketed up to the surface outside the city, and each made their way to a weapons locker. Not long after they'd equipped themselves, the Freakazord appeared. Its two pilots were just as confused as everyone at NERV by what was happening.

"Seriously, I thought we had the Angel business out of the way!" Freakazoid said.

"Yeah, what's the big idea?" Freakazette asked. "I thought it was 'beat the remaining Angels, beat SEELE and Gendo, big victory parade, peace on earth'."

"Looks like wee're not the only ones who can be unpredictable," R.O.D.D.Y. surmised. "We gettin' anything on screen yet?"

"Almost..." Naoko answered. "Just finishing my analysis, and the target's getting closer."

All eyes turned towards the direction of very large footsteps, as an immense bulk became more visible with each step. As it came closer, a few mouths hung open when all onlookers got a clearer view of the behemoth. What surprised them, frankly, about the creature's appearance was how...basic it looked.

The Angel was a bipedal thing, with two large horns sticking out of each side of its head, bringing the minotaur of ancient Greek myth to mind. Its belly had a bit of a paunch, and its face was comprised of one cyclopean eye and a big mouth full of sharp-looking teeth. The core was visible atop its head, looking almost like a shiny red beanie. The Angel let out a loud, fierce roar that shook some of the buildings in the area.

A pinging on one of the consoles of the bridge brought everybody's attention away from the creature momentarily.

"MAGI's finished its analysis!" Maya reported.

"What's the verdict?" Misato asked.

"Pattern's blue, MAGI has designated it the 18th Angel," Maya replied. "Codename..._Schlemiel_?!"

A number of large sweat drops appeared by the side of almost everyone's head upon hearing that, even those of the Freaks in the Freakazord.

A perplexed Fuyutsuki leaned over to Gendo. "...The Angel of Fools?" the former professor wondered in a slight whisper. Gendo merely responded with a grunt and a shrug of his shoulders.

Back on the battlefield, the newly-named Schlemiel roared again and beat his chest like a gorilla, almost as if it were talking a big game, daring anyone to face it. It wouldn't have to wait long for a challenger.

Rei, in Unit-00, motioned for the others to stay back. "Leave this one to me," she said, a determined expression on her face.

The others blinked, dumbfounded, before one of them spoke up.

"Are you out of your mind?!" Asuka asked concernedly.

"I am not," Rei answered confidently. "I actually have a strategy I had been meaning to try against an Angel for some time now."

"What kind of strategy?" Shinji asked.

"It is something I had been thinking of after seeing some of those older, pre-Second Impact animated cartoons you showed me," Rei replied, "along with the old slapstick comedies we watched with Toji a while back. It is also why you've seen those ACME catalogs around my apartment." Rei then addressed the bridge. "Lt. Ibuki, could you please input code 13-8-9-24-38 and have my custom weapons locker sent up here?"

After briefly giving her fellow bridge bunnies, Ritsuko, and Misato a perplexed look, Maya did as Rei asked and keyed in the code described.

_Rei has a custom weapons locker?_ a confused Ritsuko wondered to herself.

_When did she start buying from ACME?_ Misato also wondered to herself.

Soon a weapons locker appeared nearby, and Unit-00 walked over to it. The blue EVA opened it up and took a couple of items out that it then donned: an EVA-sized Spanish matador's cap and red satin cape, which it draped over its right shoulder and arm. Unit-00 then strolled over to another spot some yards away from the locker and got into a bullfighter's stance. It then snapped its fingers, drawing the attention of Schlemiel.

When the Angel looked its way, it immediately took notice of the cape's red color. Schlemiel grunted, puffed some steam out of its 'nostrils', ground one of its feet a bit, and then immediately ran towards Unit-00, horns forward. Rei stood there, unmoving, an almost-fearless look on her face. Finally, at the last minute, when Schlemiel was just a few feet away, Unit-00 then held up the cape to its right side with both hands. When everyone expected Schlemiel to just plow right through the cape as if it were tissue paper, they were taken by great surprise when the creature slammed into something solid with a loud ***CLANG***, causing it to fall onto its back, dazed. Akin to a stage magician, Unit-00 pulled the cape aside, revealing an ACME giant-sized progressive anvil that had been quickly sent topside by a command entered by Rei.

Everyone watching this unfold just stared, speechless. (Yes, even the Freaks.)

Schlemiel wobbled back upright and shook its head to regain its bearings. When it did, Unit-00 swiftly stuck a fake nose onto the space between the Angel's eye and upper lip. Schlemiel scratched its head, confused, before Unit-00 then did something even more confusing. It flattened its right hand and put it, fingertips perfectly straight and level, in front of the Angel's face. The Angel focused on the flat hand and never took its eye off it, as Rei then moved the EVA's hand to the side. Schlemiel followed it, and kept following it as Rei then moved it to the other side, then down, and finally up. Rei kept the hand up there for a minute before quickly bringing the hand down as it plucked Schlemiel's 'nose' with a ***HONK!***. Schlemiel, taken by surprise, jumped to its feet as it ran its hands over its face in rapid succession in a very Curly manner (even making annoyed grunts akin to those of the famous Stooge).

On the bridge, the silence was briefly broken when all ears noticed the faint sound of someone trying to stifle a laugh. Said someone, as they turned to look, was revealed to be Maya, a hand over her mouth as she desperately attempted to keep a laugh from coming out.

Schlemiel quickly looked around, hankering for another round with Unit-00, only to once again be surprised as the blue EVA quickly stuck something in its hands. The object in question looked like a gigantic candy box. "Candygram," Rei said through the EVA's speakers, before Unit-00 stepped back a ways and stuck a finger in each audio receptor. Schlemiel, confused at first and unknowing of the box's contents, licked its lips eagerly before opening it up. A very loud ***KABLAM!*** was heard as the box exploded in the Angel's face, covering it with black soot and ashes.

On the bridge again, Maya tried stifling her laughter at the sight of this, only to be joined by a snickering Shigeru and Asuka (in Unit-02).

Schlemiel shook it off as an angry scowl returned to its face, and yet again turned its focus to Unit-00. Rei, however, never gave the Angel a moment to react as it quickly pulled up a couple of enormous stools and a giant table, seating a confused Schlemiel on one side while she sat on the other. On the table were a couple of large bowls filled with water, and Rei had begun giving Schlemiel a manicure with a giant ACME progressive nail file. After a couple of minutes spent filing away at the creature's fingernails, Rei put the nail file aside and moved the two bowls in front of Schlemiel, urging it to 'dip its patties in the water'. Schlemiel, briefly looking our way, shrugged and did so, at which point a loud ***SNAP*** was heard.

**"YEEEEOOOOWWWW!"** Schlemiel cried as it jumped up in pained surprise. When it held up its hands, it revealed a couple of ACME giant-size progressive mousetraps it had unwittingly sprung, which it then violently shook off and flung to the side, leaving only the red, throbbing, swollen fingers.

This time in Central Dogma, Misato and Ritsuko were doing their best not to lose it in front of everyone, even as it became more difficult to do so. The same was true for Shinji and Toji as they struggled to keep their mouths shut as laughs tried to escape.

Schlemiel turned to renew its attempt to take its opponent down, grinding its teeth with frustration. That frustration soon disappeared as it was again met by Unit-00, standing with both hands behind its back.

"Watch my thumb," Rei said through the EVA's speakers as Unit-00 then held its left thumb outward and to the side. Schlemiel, befuddled, complied and kept its focus on the left thumb; because of this, it failed to notice the blue EVA bringing an ACME prog mallet held in its right hand down onto the Angel's head with a hard ***BONK!***. Schlemiel, a dazed, dopey grin on its face, its tongue partly sticking out, staggered about as stars and tweeting birds danced around its head. Were one to look closer, they would notice that the cracks that had formed on the Angel's core (initially when it slammed into the hidden anvil) had gotten bigger from the mallet blow.

Unable to hold it in any longer, those on the bridge watching the 'fight' (save for Gendo and Fuyutsuki, staring as they were, completely dumbfounded) burst into laughter, a few techs even falling out of their chairs in the process. The other EVA pilots were just as caught up in the cacophony of laughter as the bridge staff were, to the point where even Yui and Kyoko, within the cores of their respective children's EVAs, could barely stand up, as they too were laughing quite hard. Meanwhile, in the Freakazord, the two Freaks were actually whistling and applauding at Rei. Unknown to everyone, all the other defeated Angels, observing from their dimensional plane, did a collective face-palming, regretting their choice to send Schlemiel out against the Lilim.

_Time for the 'grand finale',_ Rei thought to herself as she got Unit-00 into position.

She carefully placed a large flatbed trailer right in the path of the staggering Schlemiel, just as the big lug stepped onto it with its right foot. Unit-00 then gave Schlemiel a 'gentle' push, and the beast soon flew straight towards a small course that Rei had quickly set up. Schlemiel, a shocked look on its face, couldn't do anything but flail about as it tried keeping its balance. The path it was on soon took it towards the largest of the three Lake Ashis, at which point the progress of the trailer it had been using as an improvised, over-sized roller skate was halted by a sudden stop that flung the giant off. Schlemiel sailed into the air, the arc it was in taking it to a small island that hadn't been in the middle of the lake before (since Rei had also set it up earlier in the fight, when the Angel was dazed, using an ACME 'Instant Bulls-Island' kit). Said 'island' looked like a big bullseye, one that had, to Schlemiel's sudden realization, a ticking N2 mine right in the center-which its landing, in addition to fully-cracking the core that was the top of its head, proceeded to then set off.

***KABOOOOMMM!***

When the explosion subsided and the dust settled, all that was left of Schlemiel were its two horns, which hung in mid-air for a tiny bit before falling unceremoniously to the ground.

Overjoyed at the sight of the Angel's defeat, the whole of Central Dogma erupted into cheers and applause, joined by the other three EVA pilots and the Freaks in the Freakazord, all while Rei's EVA took its bows. Gendo, pinching the bridge of his nose in slight exasperation, got up from his command perch and left the bridge, Fuyutsuki following him.

Rei, for the most part, was smiling with satisfaction within the entry plug. Just before the 'iris out' closed in on her, she looked our way.

"That is all, folks," she said, followed by a wink of her eye.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**A bit of lighthearted, pure, unadulterated slapstick before we start getting into the ****_End of Evangelion _****portion of the story.**

**Hopefully you didn't overlook the preceding chapter, which was the final musical interlude in our tale.**

**The chapter's title is a play on the 80's sitcom ****_Eight is Enough_****.**

**Baraqijal and Iblis, as mentioned so many chapters ago, were the two Angels created exclusively for ****_The NERV White Paper_****, the RPG that Marie Vincennes debuted in.**

**Speaking of original Angels, my creation here, Schlemiel, is named for the Yiddish word for idiot. He's meant to basically be a cross between the bull from the ****_Looney Tunes _****short "A Bully for Bugs" and Curly Howard, with a bit of Mongo from ****_Blazing Saddles_****.**

**The input code Rei gives to Maya is a combination of the production number and theatrical release date for the 1938 ****_Looney Tunes _****short "Porky in Wackyland".**

**Rei's method of defeating Schlemiel relies on a combination of the moves Bugs Bunny used in "A Bully for Bugs", the exploding candygram gimmick from ****_Blazing Saddles_****, a couple of moves out of many a ****_Three Stooges _****short, and a Bugs move from 1946's ****_Hair-Raising Hare_****.**

**And lastly, the final bit with Rei (utilizing the Iris Out transition-see TVTropes for more) sees her quoting, in her own way, the signature exit line of many a ****_Looney Tunes _****short.**

**On a different note, last Saturday was definitely cause for minor celebration, as Freakazoid returned to TV for the first time in over 23 years!...The catch being as a crossover with ****_Teen Titans Go!_****. Reportedly, the folks behind the show sent a script to Paul Rugg that won him over, so he, Ed Asner (happy 91st birthday!), David Warner, and Joe Leahy returned to bring ****_Freakazoid's _****particular brand of wackiness to the already-wackier take on the beloved ****_Teen Titans _****cartoon.**


	48. Episode 47

In a plane of existence not our own, a group of beings had once again convened. This time...it was to chew out one of their own for their failure to initiate an impact.

**"You had one job, Schlemiel,"** Zeruel frustratingly said as he held up one 'finger' on his left hand, **"_ONE_ JOB."**

**"Hey, don't lookit me, I'm a victim of soicumstance!"** Schlemiel said defensively.

**"I'll show you 'circumstance',"** Zeruel said as he formed his hand into a fist. **"See this? Hit it."**

Schlemiel proceeded to do just that, as his own fist tapped the top of Zeruel's, causing the 14th Angel's arm to swing clockwise till the bottom of Zeruel's fist bonked Schlemiel on the head.

**"OOH!"** Schlemiel yelped as he backed up a bit, before running his hands down his face with very Curly-esque annoyed grunts, followed by an odd shuffling of his feet.

Zeruel then turned at the sound of chuckling, finding its source in a mirthful-looking Sachiel.

**"What're you laughing at, beaky boy?"** Zeruel growled as he grabbed Sachiel's beak with his right hand and flexed it upwards.

**"Nhaaaaaah!"** the Third Angel let out in a very Larry-like manner.

**"Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"** Schlemiel laughed as he pointed at Sachiel's misfortune.

From her easy chair in another corner of the space, Shamshel looked up from the book she was reading (Noël Coward's _Fallen Angels_) at the shenaningans her brethren were engaging in, rolled her eyes a bit, and shook her head.

**"*Sigh* Maroons, all of them..."** she said resignedly before resuming her reading.

**Episode 40 - Makin' Some Calls, Payin' Some Visits...**

The two Freaks had just finished their patrol for the day when they ran to the place where they were meeting Kusagabe and the NERV folks. Said place was the site of a former toy factory that the Freaks had converted into an additional secret entrance to the Freakalair (also accessible via an extension of the Freak-A-Fall). As soon as everyone had boarded the strange set of roller-coaster cars, the train immediately made its way to the Freakalair (those who weren't the Freaks, Kusagabe, or Rei screaming as they went). Once there, the NERV folks took a moment to collect themselves before joining the others at a meeting table, just as R.O.D.D.Y. and Naoko appeared on the screens behind them.

"Normally I like roller coasters, but I think I'll be avoiding them for a while," Asuka said as she sat down.

"Well, people, we all know why we're here today," Misato stated.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Freakazoid said as he waved his raised arm like an eager school kid. "Are we discussing the latest _Game of Thrones_ fan theories?"

The adult NERV staffers just stared at him, dumbfounded.

"Um, NO," Ritsuko flatly stated. "But seriously, DON'T spoil anything, I'm still catching up on season 4!"

"I know!" Freakazette chimed in. "It's about the end of DC's New 52 era in comics and how we're all jumping for joy!"

"Also NO," Kaji also flatly affirmed. "Though I am happy about them putting the trunks back on Superman's costume, the whole 'Kryptonian armor' look just never sat right with me..."

"*UGH* We're here to discuss how we're gonna stop Shinji's dad AND SEELE at the same time!" Asuka said exasperatingly, as she held the bridge of her nose.

"Oh, riiiight," Freakazoid said. "That thing, I nearly forgot."

"And you crushed on this guy, _why_?" Asuka asked Rei in a sarcastic whisper.

"So where are we on this?" Shinji asked, finally getting the conversation to where it was supposed to be going.

"Glad you asked," Kaji said as he started laying some papers all over the table. "According to a contact of mine working under their noses, while Gutierrez may have ditched the overall plans of SEELE, he's still going to make 'good' use of the equipment and connections they built in preparation. These include-"

"The Mass Production EVAs," Ritsuko finished as she pointed to what looked like a set of specifications. They depicted an EVA the pilots hadn't seen before: from the neck down, the structure was similar to a standard EVA's, though with an uninspired black and white color palette. One feature that did distinguish them from the more colorful EVAs in NERV's arsenal was a pair of vulture-like wings protruding from its back. It was the head that drew the most disgust from all involved, as it looked like a chalk-white worm with a Joker-esque grin (complete with unnerving red lips).

"*YECH!* Are they U-G-L-Y with no alibi or what?" Freakazette said with a grimace.

"It's not just their appearances we need to worry about," Naoko explained as she pulled up a transparent holographic model of the MP EVA. "The Mass Production Evangelion is equipped with both an artificial S2 engine and a dummy plug, most likely based on the brain patterns of Kaworu Nagisa. Its primary weapon-" An odd, double-bladed weapon next to the model was highlighted by Naoko in particular. "-is a close replica of the Lance of Longinus in Terminal Dogma; what you see is its disguised form. It's the only thing that can really do damage to an Evangelion, due to its ability to cut through an AT-Field like a hot knife through butter. In short, if one were to describe the Mass Production Evangelion in a single sentence: no pilot, no external power source, no mercy."

The others shuddered at the statement.

"How many of these things are we talking?" Misato asked.

"Accordin' to Kaji and Naoko's intel," R.O.D.D.Y. answered, "they've got nine o' these beasties at the ready."

"That must be why they needed all that money moved about," Makoto theorized, "so they could secure all the resources to get these things finished fast."

"But why would they want to even finish these when Gutierrez scrapped the Human Instrumentality Project?" Maya asked.

"Most likely as an insurance policy against the EVAs we already have," Misato grimly.

"My contact gave me more good news," Kaji said with deliberate irony. "Turns out it's definitely not Instrumentality that Gutierrez is after-it's strictly the MAGI."

Ritsuko's eyes widened a bit in surprise. "What could he possibly want the central MAGI for?"

Kaji looked around at everyone before he continued. "It's all for the goal of..."

In wanting to save the surprise of what the plan is for the teaser of the following chapter when the villains discuss it, let's just say that Kaji's revelations left the others quite shocked, appalled, and even a bit confused. Even so, the fact that Gutierrez was willing to go to such lengths to carry out that plan was terrible to them. Add in what Rei and Ritsuko revealed what Commander Ikari would possibly attempt to do while Gutierrez's forces launched their assault, and this was quite the dual-front battle they were going to be in for.

"But wait a minute," Asuka started to ask, "what excuse would he have to attack us? Even with SEELE's hooks in the UN, someone's gonna wonder why they'd launch an attack on Japanese soil."

"This is where their political and military connections come in," Kaji explained. "Someone in the upper echelons of the Japanese government will receive an 'anonymous tip' that NERV's planning to initiate their own Third Impact, causing its special protected status to be revoked and putting it directly under the government's control. Any refusal to comply-which, given Commander Ikari's own plans, is a given-would be met with swift action."

"We've gotta stop them somehow!" Shinji stated fearfully.

Kaji, one of his trademark sloppy grins appearing on his face, spoke up to reassure the Third Child. "Thankfully for us," he started to explain, "me and my superiors in the JDA have been working in tandem with INTERPOL to systematically cut off SEELE's political, military, and business connections. With any luck, MP EVAs aside, the overall strength of their fighting forces will be greatly diminished at the anointed time."

"Doesn't mean they won't be without contingencies," Misato put forward. "If my guess is right, they'll probably have hired a large number of PMCs to bolster their ranks. Combined with the MP EVAs, and the whole city will become a warzone."

"I'll work on getting a citywide evacuation organized," Kusagabe offered up. "We manage to get the entire civilian population out before the fighting starts, the better. I've known almost every cop on the force for a long time, we'll get it squared away."

"In the meantime, no offense to you NERV guys, but your security forces stink, I'm guessing on purpose," Freakazoid said as he held his chin in contemplation. "And something tells me Section-2's not gonna be much help either. We've gotta get some reinforcements of our own." He then smiled before he continued. "And I know just where we'll get them..."

**NERV-2, Nevada, USA, central conference room...**

A priority-level email had summoned Major Toby Danger and some of NERV-2's key personnel to a conference room seldom-used by the staff. Said personnel included Dr. Kaga; Aoi, Satsuki, and Kaede, the bridge bunnies; head of IT Dexter Douglas; and EVA pilots Marie Vincennes and Mari 'Illustrious' Makinami. Once everyone was in the room, a video call was answered on a larger screen, revealing Misato, Ritsuko, and Kaji. Toby, in particular, smiled a bit upon seeing the mauve-haired major.

"Misato! Been a while," he greeted.

Misato blinked before a surprised and sheepish expression adorned her face. "Uh, hey there, Toby," she greeted in return with a slight awkwardness.

"'Hey there, Toby'?" Kaji said with a raised eyebrow.

"You know him?" Ritsuko asked.

"Er, yeah, we kinda dated for a bit..." Misato said as she absentmindedly rubbed the back of her head. When she noticed Kaji's look, she immediately became defensive. "It was while we were in the UN Peacekeeping Forces! In the past! We parted amicably, I swear!"

"So what's the call for?" Toby asked. "I also noticed that this is on a really secure setting. What's going on?"

Misato mentally breathed a sigh of relief when Toby switched topics. "It's because what we're about to tell you contains a lot of really, really sensitive information. Information that's a matter of life and death and concerns the true purpose of NERV."

"I hear you," Toby responded. "When Freakazoid helped us out a while back, he warned us our own organization might not be on the up-and-up as we've been led to believe."

"Believe you me, it's _worse_ than that," Misato grimly stated. "You see..."

For the next twenty or so minutes, Misato, Kaji, and Ritsuko explained everything, from the real cause of Second Impact to Gutierrez and Commander Ikari's dueling plans for the world. The severity of these revelations were definitely justification for the shocked looks on the faces of the NERV-2 staff.

"Freakazoid definitely wasn't kidding when he said something was rotten with NERV," Toby said as he pounded on the desk, before facing the screen again. "Misato, we'll have your backs. No one's taking over or ending the world, not while we're able to stop it."

Misato nodded. "Good to know, Toby. We're counting on you guys. Good luck, and keep us posted." With that, the two majors flashed each other a salute before the video call ended. Toby then turned to face his subordinates.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you've all just been given the situation-now we've got to act," he stated. "Hitomi and Dexter, you and the bridge bunnies work with your counterparts in Tokyo-3 to reinforce the central MAGI. It's likely SEELE will try to hack their way into taking over the main base before launching an armed assault."

Dr. Kaga, Dexter, and the bridge bunnies nodded in affirmation as Toby then turned to Marie and Mari.

"As for the two of you," he said as he addressed the pilots, "get some rest, because tomorrow we're going to be prepping you and your EVAs for deployment to Tokyo-3 to back up the other Units at NERV-Central. The Angels may be gone, but it looks like you'll finally be seeing some action. Let's see if all that training we put you through will pay off!"

"Yes, sir!" both girls replied at attention.

"All right, people, let's get moving!" Toby commanded.

**A tech and media startup's office in Washington, D.C...**

In the office of the CEO of a burgeoning tech and media startup, a new email appeared in said CEO's inbox. The balding, goatee'd, bespectacled, near-overweight CEO-one Finn Boylan-looked over the email very carefully, before letting out an astonished gasp as he noticed just who it was from: Freakazoid. A determined look now on his face, he opened a drawer labeled 'mementos' and pulled out a green blanket. Moments later, the door to his office burst open, and he stepped out, the blanket tied around his neck like a cape, surprising all his employees with its abruptness. He cleared his throat and began to address all of them.

"My loyal employees," he began, "long before you joined me in making my vision a reality, I was once a lowly nerd. But then a rare opportunity came my way, and I became something more than a lowly nerd! I became-" He then dramatically ripped off his black turtleneck, revealing a white t-shirt with a certain logo printed on the front; said logo was an orange FB! over a purple ovoid shape. "-FAN BOY! Sidekick to Freakazoid!"

His employees just stared at him, perplexed and slightly confused.

"And now, after fifteen years," Fan Boy continued, "Freakazoid has called upon me once more to aid him in the fight against the forces of evil! But more than that, he needs ALL of us! The fate of the world is at stake, and he needs our combined computing skills for the job! Are you with me?!"

The employees continued to stare at their boss, the sound of crickets chirping heard briefly in the background.

Sensing they'd need more motivation, Fan Boy went straight to Plan B. "...30% raise for every one of you if we manage to pull it off!"

This got everyone going, as they all suddenly cheered and paid attention while Fan Boy doled out what it was they needed to do for Freakazoid.

Freakazoid himself appeared over the shot as he addressed us directly.

"*Sigh* Some things never change," he said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Never thought I'd be turning to _that_ guy in our hour of need."

**Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming, USA...**

It was a beautiful day as Old Faithful erupted on cue like always, as Freakazoid walked a trail with a man dressed in a green, leaf-covered costume. The man in question also wore a brown hat with a red feather in its black band, brown boots and gloves, a belt with a pine cone buckle, and a quiver full of arrows slung across his chest. The man also sported a salt-and-pepper beard and a bit of gray in his temples, and carried a bow.

"Looks like you've been doing well these past 15 years, Huntsman," Freakazoid noted.

"What can I say, Freakazoid?" the Huntsman replied. "After Second Impact, I realized the real action would be in fending off those who'd try to plunder our natural wonders. Turns out I was better-suited for fighting crime in the wilderness than I was in the city. I never did get why I couldn't seem to fight any crime there-seems like whenever I came in, there wasn't a crook to be fought anywhere at all. Darn the luck, darn, darn, darn!"

"What if I told you that you might have the chance to..." Freakazoid started to ask, working his way into a dramatic flourish, "save the world?"

Hearing this gave the Huntsman pause, before he resumed his stride. "It was good of you to think of me, Freakazoid, but I'm not that kind of crimefighter anymore. I've got my own world to protect now."

"But think of what I just told you about!" Freakazoid said with his arms briefly raised. "It won't matter whether Gutierrez or Ikari wins, either way, the Earth's doomed-and that goes double for every natural wonder in this great nation! As a defender of the American wilderness, ARE YOU PREPARED TO LET THEM DOWN, MAN?!"

The Huntsman again paused, and briefly held his chin in thought. Finally, he answered. "Darn, darn, darn! You're right! You need help keeping two evil schemes from ruining our glorious mother Earth, I'm your _Hunts_man! I'll get ready to be in Japan first thing tomorrow..." His train of thought was interrupted when they noticed two slacker-looking fellows a few yards away, one of whom had just carelessly tossed an empty aluminum can to the ground, which wound up rolling up to the Huntsman's left foot. A sneer appeared on his lips as he bent down and picked the can up, which he then crushed in his hand. "...Right after I toss a couple of litterbugs in the trash!" He then darted off towards the slackers. "Hey! Didn't anyone teach you lowlifes to recycle?!"

The two surprised slackers saw the approaching angry Huntsman and started making a run for it. Freakazoid, watching this unfold, briefly looked in our direction.

"Well, at least his heart's in the right place," he mused.

**London, England, the U.K...**

"I'm afraid I can't help you there, miss."

Those were the words said to Freakazette by one Nigel Skunkthorpe, formerly the superhero Lord Bravery, currently the owner and proprietor of Lords Smoked Meats and Fishes. He was addressing her from behind the counter of the deli in question, while she stood in front of the counter, a line of customers behind her. Aside from a mustache gracing the space above his upper lip, the years had been kind to the British hero, who'd wound up taking over ownership of the one place he briefly shared a moniker with after the copyright to 'Lord Bravery' temporarily lapsed.

"Come on, Nigel," Freakazette pursuaded, "there's gotta be some part of you who wants to get back in the game!"

"Sorry, Freakazette, but I'm quite satisfied with my lot in life," Nigel insisted. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of customers to get to that you're holding up."

"But think of what'll happen!" Freakazette said as she kept going. "The whole world will be destroyed! Life as we know it wiped out! Think of the people! Think of your customers!" Her hands then went to the line that was continuing to build up of complaining people. "Is this what one of England's greatest heroes has come to? Would you really cast aside queen and country just so you could keep peddling smoked meats and fishes for who knows how long we've got till either Gutierrez or Ikari wins?!"

Nigel gave this some thought as his gaze briefly turned to a Union Jack hanging from the wall, the sounds of "Rule, Britannia" playing in the background. At that moment, something slightly patriotic stirred within the Englishman, which made him take off his paper hat and start to undo his apron.

"Reggie!" he called out for his teenage son. "Tell your mother that you two will be minding the shoppe for a while. There's something I've got to take care of..."

Freakazette smiled as she watched him head to the back room and upstairs to the living quarters above the deli. "I knew I'd get through to him," she said while looking our way, a small boombox playing "Rule, Britannia" in her hands. The smile then disappeared as she started hearing a bit of arguing coming from upstairs.

"Mathilda! Where's my costume!" she heard Nigel shout.

"In the storage room!" Mathilda, his wife, shouted back.

"Which storage room?!" Nigel asked back, "This place alone has four of them!"

**Route 66, the American southwest, USA...**

Freakazoid, in a spare Freakmobile, drove alongside Bessie Mae as it made its way down the road. Freakazoid was communicating via CB radio with Longhorn, who was at the wheel while they drove.

"...So that's why I need your help," the wacky wonder said as he spoke into the mic. "Over."

"Sorry there, Freak," Longhorn responded. "Like I told ya when you were in these here parts before, that thing with the cultists was just a one-time deal. Over."

"Aw, come on!" Freakazoid pleaded. "We could really use a guy like you! And besides, think about this-you help us stop both these plots from succeeding, and you'll have saved the lives of millions that'll make up a potentially new, international fanbase for your music-the majority of which hasn't even heard country music before! You could be their gateway, like Molly Ringwald to the French! Or David Hasselhoff to the Germans! Over."

"New fanbase, huh?" Longhorn mused as he gave Freakazoid's offer some thought. Finally, after a few minutes, Longhorn gave his reply. "Well, shoot! You make a good point, kid. All right, I'm in. Lemme get Bessie Mae prepped an' ready, and I'll be in Japan before you can say cowboy-ninja-Viking!" He then pulled on Bessie Mae's horn.

"Ten-four, good buddy!" Freakazoid replied. "Oh yeah, could you do one more thing while you're at it...?"

**A Bed, Bath & Beyond in the Clover Highlands Mall, Shermer, Illinois, USA...**

"We've got a big day out there, people. A _big_ one. It's a full moon out, so people are going to be amped."

The group of Bed, Bath & Beyond employees paid close attention as their manager-a large, muscular, green-skinned, winged humanoid with an almost cephalopod-like head-drilled into them some motivation for the shift ahead. Like them, he was wearing the same blue vest that made up their 'uniform' over a short-sleeved collared shirt and some slacks.

"Let's see what we've got for hot tips!" The manager then pointed to the clipboard he was holding as he went over his notes. "Oh, yeah...the new pillow cases are in, and they're hot buys!"

The employees responded with some light cheers, a few of them exchanging high fives.

"One more thing-many an army has fallen before my might as I rent them asunder in the great battle of-" he paused as he realized what he was about to say. "Ah, nutbunnies, that was my previous job, just ignore that..."

A voice then came over the store's intercom at that moment. "Vorn the Unspeakable to the As Seen On TV section. Vorn the Unspeakable, please come to the As Seen On TV section..."

"Right then-excuse me for a moment, folks," Vorn said. "Duty calls. Anyway, go get 'em out there, and good luck!" He then headed down into the store's main floor just as the employees got up from their seats. When he arrived at the As Seen on TV section, he found Freakazette playing a demo of a TV plug-in retro gaming system. She put the controller down when she noticed Vorn standing there.

"Hey, Vorn!" she greeted. "Long time, no see!"

"Freakazette," he responded nonchalantly. "I assume Freakazoid is also back as well."

"You'd assume right!" the female wacky wonder confirmed cheerfully.

"Now then, what can I help you with today?" Vorn asked, shifting into store manager mode. "We're having a sale on all Kitchen Aid appliances, if interested. Great deals abound!"

"Sounds neat! I'll keep that in mind, got some holiday shopping to do soon, but I'm actually here for _you_," Freakazette stated. "Believe it or not, me and Freakazoid need your help saving the world from certain doom."

"Hmm..." the monstrous manager replied as he took in her words. "That'd definitely be new. Up till lately, I'd been known as a destroyer of worlds...Will the battle be an epic for the ages?"

"Oh, _definitely_," Freakazette answered as she nodded, "really high stakes involved! And it's in Japan, so you'd get a bit of travel in!"

"Ah yes, now that you mention it, there's an oni I know who owes me five bucks from a while back," Vorn said as he gave it more thought. He then got out his phone and quickly dialed his assistant manager. "Janine? I'll be taking a short vacation starting tomorrow. I'm putting you in charge until I get back."

**Manhattan, New York, USA, a small café near Central Park...**

"This definitely is a good candidate for moments that qualify as 'I never thought I would see the day."

That statement, delivered to Freakazoid, came from his former longtime foe Cave Guy, real name Royce Mumphry. With him was his wife Audrey, another former foe of Freakazoid's known for many years by the alias Cobra Queen. The three of them were sitting at a table at a small café facing one of the entrances to Central Park (one with a very good view, as a bonus), and were also joined by the Mumphrys' daughter Boa-Magnon via video-chat on a tablet Freakazoid had with him. The years had also been kind to the one-time super-criminal power couple, with only a bit of gray at Cave Guy's temples.

"Indeed," Cobra Queen concurred with her husband, "Freakazoid, of all people, coming to usss, asssking to help him sssave the world. What a world it'sss come to."

"I know it's hard to believe, but he's quite serious for once, mum," Boa chimed in. "I've worked for some nasty characters in my professional career, but what Gutierrez and Ikari each have in store is beyond anything you or your contemporaries have ever dreamt of."

"This is why I've warned you about screening your clients carefully, Jocelyn," Cave Guy said as he took another sip of his coffee.

"On the bright ssside, it'sss good to sssee that thisss particular asssssignment's allowed you to utilize a bit of your teaching degree," Cobra Queen commented.

"I do have to agree with you on that," Boa-Magnon responded. "And the kids have been quite manageable under my tutelage. It does feel good to help nurture a new generation of future conservationists..."

"So, whaddya say, guys?" Freakazoid asked. "Will you help us?"

"Oh, most assuredly, yes," Cave Guy answered.

Freakazoid was surprised by the response, as was Boa-Magnon. "Really? Wow, I kinda expected some hesitation from you two."

"Don't get usss wrong," Cobra Queen said. "We won't be helping you entirely out of the goodnessss of our heartsss."

"We'd certainly be taking great pleasure in bringing Gutierrez down a peg or two," Cave Guy elaborated. "Between you and us, we never could stand the man. Always had a very big, _very_ unhealthy ego, in my humble opinion."

"Alssso, his taste is a little lacking," Cobra Queen added. "Plusss, I've been wanting to visit Japan for sssome time-it'll give me a chance to add to my collection with sssome authentic, locally-made examplesss."

"Oh, brother," Boa-Magnon quietly muttered. Freakazoid hadn't known it at the time, but back when he had first faced Cobra Queen and suggested she spruce up her original lair in the D.C. sewers with Japanese lanterns, it sparked a new hobby for the snake-themed villainess that carried over when she reformed and retired from the supervillain life.

"Well, still, great!" Freakazoid said. "Expect a call from Longhorn soon, he'll give you the rest of the details."

**Tokyo-3, outside the Horaki residence, the following morning...**

The Horaki family's car had been packed up with most of their belongings, as was the trailer they'd rented. The pilots and their friends were hanging out for a while before the Horakis would leave, as Kusagabe and the Tokyo-3 PD had managed to get the evacuation order out. Moving had been a bit easier for Toji's family, due to the progress Sakura had made under the care of NERV's medical staff that enabled her to travel; Mana and Mayumi, along with their parents, had left the city much earlier.

Right now, in addition to saying their goodbyes, Asuka and Shinji were also entrusting Hikari to look after Pen-Pen, said penguin nestled in the class rep's arms. As soon as Asuka finished giving Hikari some specific 'penguin-care' instructions, the two exchanged a hug before Hikari went over to give Toji a kiss for luck. Kensuke was there to quickly snap a group photo. Hopefully, when all was said and done and they made it out of this in one piece, they'd make this an annual tradition. When they were finished, Hikari and Pen-Pen got in her family's car, and soon they drove off to safety. Kensuke exchanged his own goodbyes with the pilots as he headed home, where he and his father would get ready to evacuate as well.

Unknown to everyone else, Freakazoid and Freakazette had secretly managed to rig up some animatronic decoys in the Freakalair to fool their 'roommates'' respective parents, enabling them to stay in the city so the Freaks could aid NERV in the battle to come. Kensuke and Mayumi themselves were still in the Freakalair, mentally preparing themselves for the coming struggle. This was something neither one of them had expected to face in their young lives, let alone being bonded to a pair of wacky superheroes. The two of them eyed a clock hanging on the wall as the minutes ticked towards 'game time'. As they did, the opening 52 seconds of Europe's "The Final Countdown" started to play in the background. Before the song could fully launch, Kensuke and Mayumi, finally noticing it, looked our way with furrowed brows.

"Will you stop that?!" they both demanded, annoyed.

Off to the side, a sound effects guy on a synthesizer held up his hands defensively as he stopped playing.

"Thank you," Mayumi said in a slight scolding manner, hands on her hips. She and Kensuke then turned to face each other again, the slightly-nervous looks back on their faces.

"Well..." Kensuke started to say.

"I can't believe it's here already," Mayumi said.

"Yeah..." Kensuke said in turn. "I mean, I used to always dream about going into big battles, but not under these circumstances."

"I just didn't think I'd end up fighting a battle for the fate of the world, period," Mayumi replied. "But you know something?"

"What's that?" Kensuke asked, curious.

Mayumi smiled a bit before continuing. "I'm actually kind of glad you bought that flawed Pinnacle chip. The two of us wouldn't be here otherwise."

Kensuke smiled in return. "Y'know something? I feel the same. I mean, sure, I could do without the random detours Freakazoid goes on to all those tourist traps and such, but still...If there's a good thing to come out of this, it's that I got to know you a bit more."

Mayumi was a bit surprised by this. "Really?"

Kensuke nodded. "What I'm trying to say is, well, Mayumi..."

"Kensuke, I..." Mayumi started to say.

"...Ireallylikeyou," they both said simultaneously, which shocked them greatly.

_HA!_ Freakazoid laughed briefly.

_JINX!_ Freakazette added.

_YouoweeachotheraCokenow!_ both Freaks teased.

Kensuke and Mayumi slightly glared up at their own foreheads on hearing that.

"Knock it off!" they both said, before they gave themselves a facepalm. They then looked at each other and, deciding to just quickly 'go for it', shared a kiss for good luck. The two of them then stood up from where they'd been sitting.

"Ready?" Kensuke asked.

"Ready," Mayumi answered with confidence.

They then assumed a stance they'd become all too familiar with and said three little words:

"Ooooh, Freak Out!"

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**The last battle's almost here, and with it, just what the heck Gutierrez has been planning...**

**Our chapter kicks off with, as you've noticed, a little more Stooges-esque fun with the defeated Angels.**

**With this chapter, a few more Freakazoid friends and frenemies finally make their proper debuts in the story:  
1\. Fan Boy's real name was of my own invention.**

**2\. The Huntsman, following Second Impact, decided to defend America's wilderness from anyone wanting to exploit the natural resources within, becoming deputized by the Department of the Interior. As a character, the Huntsman is basically Green Arrow if played by Charlton Heston. He was kind of a superheroic 'butt-monkey' because of his lack of luck in finding crime to fight. The bit where he goes after the two slackers is inspired by a scene from the finale of the fourth season of ****_The Simpsons_****, where singer/actress Bette Midler's the one who has it in for those who litter.**

**3\. Lord Bravery, after aiding in the humanitarian efforts following Second Impact, hung up his cape as he took on a more 'normal' job running his deli. A British superhero who's a semi-caricature of Monty Python co-founder John Cleese, he's not that 'heroic' and more 'snooty', and was considered more of a laughingstock in the superhero community than the Huntsman. At one point (in the season one, episode 5 segment "Office Visit"), he lost the Lord Bravery name in a trademark dispute with a bakery that'd taken it, forcing him to eventually use the name 'Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes' for a time. His wife was unnamed in the original show, so I gave her one for my narrative purposes (same with their teenage son).**

**4\. Longhorn appears for the first time in this story since way back when Freakazoid first met the folks at NERV-2. Following Second Impact, he wound up aiding in the recovery efforts by transporting supplies in Bessie Mae, and in spite of his lackluster musical ability, his singing did inspire a bit of morale in those he encountered during his runs. Freakazoid's means of convincing him is inspired by the speech Peter gives to the mayor in the original ****_Ghostbusters_****.**

**5\. Vorn the Unspeakable's current job riffs on the side job of Michael Keaton's character Captain Gene Mauch in the 2010 comedy ****_The Other Guys_****. Vorn was a monster summoned by Waylon Jeepers in the season 2 episode "Statuesque".**

**6\. Cave Guy and Cobra Queen I felt would probably be not too fond of Gutierrez, in spite of the rare occasions where they've worked together in the past. The latter's hobby of collecting Japanese lanterns refers to her debut episode in season 1, "Sewer or Later".**

**Well, I had to bring our two specs-wearing teen protagonists together somehow! I admit it could use some tweaking, but sometimes, inspiration can wax and wane during the process.**

**Now then, get ready, loyal readers-it's gonna be a bumpy set of ending chapters...**


	49. Episode 48

Gendo sat at his desk, his hands tented in front of his face as usual, while he looked upon the holographic faces of Gutierrez and the SEELE council. It was a meeting that, Kihl or no Kihl [HA!], the commander of NERV knew had been a long time coming. Fuyutsuki dutifully stood at his side while he observed.

"The 17th Angel has been..._dealt with_," Gutierrez stated. "As has the unexpected 18th Angel. With that, I can easily say that the full extent of the Dead Sea Scrolls' prophecies has been fulfilled, don't you agree?"

Gendo nodded. "They have, in a sense, though how the latter parts were carried out have proven to be not what any of us expected. A part of me is amused at the thought of the former chairman Kihl, wherever he may be, fuming over how much of his planning had gone astray."

"Agreed," Gutierrez concurred. "Which brings me to why we are gathered here today. It is time, Ikari, for you to know of just what my intentions are going forward. Tell me, my friend, have you ever seen _The Matrix_?"

Gendo's left eyebrow rose on hearing the almost-left-field question. "I have. Pretentious bit of cyberpunk-laden prophesizing. I was not impressed."

"That may be true," Gutierrez began, "but the Wachowskis did have an interesting idea there. A true utopia is too far-off as an ambition; but, the idea of a world that, while far from being idyllic, is still tolerable enough to live in presents a more viable goal. And slowly, _slowly_ but surely, mankind has already been working their way towards it. SEELE, under prior management, sought to end the world..." He briefly eyed the other council members as he continued. "What they failed to see was that there is no 'world' anymore-it is only corporations! Specifically, _information technology-based_ corporations. When what we know as the World Wide Web came about, the planet became more interconnected than ever before, and the human race more reliant on computer technology to run their lives. There were those who saw great opportunity in this newfound situation: Bill Gates in the 1990s, Steve Jobs and Jeff Bezos at the start of the new millennium, and now...hopefully, _yours truly_.

By utilizing the Central MAGI, a supercomputer with enormous reach when joined together with the other MAGI units across the world, I shall expand upon the groundwork that Gates, Jobs, and Bezos unintentionally laid by seizing control of the entire global information technology network. With it in my hands, I shall rule over humanity and ensure a lasting peace, while at the same time turning Earth into the most profitable planet in the solar system, so should the day come when we are truly visited by our neighbors from the stars, they will come for the first contact, and stay for the high-quality products and great prices. SEELE originally sought to create a world free from pain and suffering; mine is very much a similar goal, only without turning every man, woman and child into puddles of orange goo in the process. No, everyone, under my plan, stays corporeal, going on about their lives, talking by the water cooler about the latest shocking development in a television show, buying the latest electronic device that's the current darling of Black Friday advertising, all while doing their best not to upset me, lest they be thrust into a new version of the Dark Ages."

Gendo and Fuyutsuki, for the next few minutes, simply stood there, gaping in utter bewilderment at what Gutierrez had just told them. Then, a new expression began to appear on Gendo's reddening face, as he gritted his teeth while a vein throbbed visibly on his forehead. Finally, the Commander's proverbial dam burst.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" he roared as he abruptly stood up, pounding on his desk. "That's the STUPIDEST plan I've ever heard of!"

Gutierrez frowned at Gendo's response. "No it's not, it's a good plan!" he countered.

"BALONEY!" Gendo fired back. "What your plan comes down to is essentially turning the entire Earth into a bizarre combination of _Entertainment Tonight_ and the Home Shopping Network! I mean for crying out loud, even the writers of the Austin Powers movies could come up with a better scheme! At least the old men had the 'idea' of 'advancing humanity's evolution' going for them! Your plan? It doesn't do _anything_ for humanity!" Gendo then sat back down, not bothering to re-tent his hands. "You know what? Forget pretense, you showed me yours, I'll show you mine: I have here at NERV-Central a surviving fragment of Adam, the First Angel, IN ADDITION to the Second Angel currently imprisoned in Terminal Dogma. Using the First Child as a key, I'll merge the two and bring about human contemplation! By the time my scenario commences, there won't _be_ a world for you to turn into your universal mall. I'll be together with my Yui again, and you'll all be a whole ocean of orange goo. You may not wish to seek instrumentality, Gutierrez-but I will!" With that, Gendo cut off the link between himself and the council, causing the holograms to vanish.

Fuyutsuki stared, dumbfounded, at his former student, since he hadn't seen him get that angry in years. (Of course, he hadn't seen the commander when he finally met the Lawn Gnomes.) "Ikari, was that wise?" Fuyutsuki asked concernedly.

Gendo merely glared at his former professor before he answered dismissively. "At this final stage of the game, sensei-_does anyone really care_?"

On the other end of the line, Gutierrez looked at the other members of the council. "...I believe that went better than I'd expected, all things considered." A smirk then appeared on his face. "Very well, Ikari-may the best man win...Ahahahahahaha! Laugh with me, laugh with me! Ahahahahahaha...!"

**Episode 41 - This is the (beginning of the) end...My only friend, the (beginning of the) end...**

Tokyo-3 was very quiet today, as afternoon turned into evening. Of course, it was very quiet because the entire city's civilian population had evacuated in droves, thanks to an emergency order issued by the local government and evacuation proceedings coordinated by the local police force. At NERV HQ itself, a large number of civilian staff had also been ordered to evacuate, leaving a skeleton crew (which included our heroes) and security to hold the fort. Save for a certain group of them, no one knew why they were on a First Level Alert, only that it meant something bad was about to happen; what exactly it was and how bad, they also didn't know.

On the bridge, Misato and Makoto caught Shigeru up on just what was going to pay them a visit; Ritsuko and Maya were within the MAGI making a number of necessary adjustments and virtual fortifications, coordinated by Naoko and aided by R.O.D.D.Y., to prepare them for theirs and NERV-2's response to any attempted hacking attack. Kaji was out of the city and in Tokyo-2, speaking with the Prime Minister about what was about to go down and how they needed to prevent Armageddon. To say the least, Shigeru was very shocked by what had been revealed to him, causing him to briefly, warily eye the two commanders. They had kept their conversation to a very quiet whisper, so as to not draw any suspicion.

"...OH-kaaaay, they definitely left A LOT out of the job description when I applied," Shigeru commented.

"Trust me, man, we were in the same boat too," Makoto concurred.

"And trust us when we say that, if we manage to make it out of this alive..." Misato started to say, briefly glaring at Gendo before turning back to the others, "_certain_ people will have a lot to answer for."

Suddenly, the ears of all three perked up when they heard something coming from far down the hallway, in the direction of the pilot locker rooms.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

Misato, Makoto and Shigeru then turned back to each other. "Sounds like Toji's got the full story now," Misato noted.

Shigeru nodded in affirmation, and took a look around at the nearly-empty bridge. "So when are our 'reinforcements' coming?"

"According to Freakazoid," Makoto started to answer, "the first group should be arriving right about..."

Before the bespectacled tech could finish, a column of light suddenly appeared next to the set of consoles they were sitting at as five figures began to materialize in the room. Gendo and Fuyutsuki, observing this from the command perch, were astonished by what was happening.

"...Now," Makoto said, his glasses sliding a bit down the bridge of his nose.

Soon the light faded, and the five newcomers were revealed to be Bo-Ron and the Lawn Gnomes; the former had used the teleporter from Nerdator II's ship to transport them here. Ritsuko and Maya had just emerged from the MAGI crawlspace and rejoined Misato and the others when the new arrivals had appeared.

"Deeeuuuhhhh, IIII am Bo-Ron," the enormous alien greeted as he waved at the surprised faces around him.

"Oh, boy..." Ritsuko said, a sweat drop appearing by hers and Maya's heads.

Up on the command perch, Gendo and Fuyutsuki conferred.

"Sensei, just WHO is that-that large, green thing?" the commander asked confusedly.

"Well, there goes many a theory of there being intelligent life out in outer space..." a perplexed Fuyutsuki said, scratching his head.

Misato and the others then noticed the four shorter people accompanying Bo-Ron. "Ummm, who are you guys, exactly?" she asked.

A small orchestral cue built up in the background before Baffeardin replied, cramming as much dramatic flair as he could into his delivery. "We are Laaawwwnnn Gnomes!" The orchestral cue then finished like clockwork.

Misato and the others did a dumbstruck double-take from the Lawn Gnomes to each other and back.

"Riiight..." Misato said, absentmindedly rubbing the back of her head.

Gendo, from his perch, noticed the Gnomes and was not too happy by their presence. "YOU! When I get my hands on you, I'll-!" he threatened as he started to climb out from the perch, Fuyutsuki struggling but managing to hold him back.

The group on the bridge was then joined by Sgt. Kusagabe, who casually walked through the door holding a box of donuts in his hands.

"Sgt. Kusagabe?" Maya wondered. "How'd you get down here?"

"Took the stairs," the policeman replied nonchalantly as he munched on a bear claw.

At that moment, Freakazoid and Freakazette literally bolted onto the bridge in a flash of light and static, the former carrying a laptop under his right arm and the latter wheeling a mobile projector unit that was already on, R.O.D.D.Y.'s face already being emitted from it.

"Great, you're here!" Freakazoid said as he greeted Bo-Ron and the Lawn Gnomes before turning his attention to Ritsuko and Maya. "How'd the tweaking go?"

"We're all set," the bottle blonde replied. "Soon as we get the signal, NERV-2 will be ready to back us up in cyberspace."

"And out in the real world," Misato added. "When I last spoke with Toby, he indicated that Units-04 and 05 will arrive in about an hour and 45 minutes at best."

Gendo and Fuyutsuki turned their attention immediately to the gathered group. "Major Katsuragi, Dr. Akagi, just _what_ is going on?" Gendo sternly demanded. "Why are those two-why are _all_ of those people here?!"

The group down below looked at the commanders and then at one another for a moment before they shrugged and one of them said something.

"Eh, cat's out of the bag at this point," Ritsuko stated before turning to Gendo's direction, brows furrowed, as she pressed a button on the central hologram projector. "Commander, there's _someone_ I'd like to get you reacquainted with, if you don't mind..."

The minute she said that, Naoko's face appeared from the holo-projector, glaring daggers at the commander. "Hello, Gendo..." she greeted. "Been a while, hasn't it?"

Gendo's eyes went wide with shock. "N-Naoko?!"

Maya, at that point, noticed the bundle in Freakazoid's arm. "Uh, what's with the laptop?" she asked.

"Dexter over at NERV-2 sent me an email a bit ago," Freakazoid answered as he opened up the laptop. "Said someone was coming over to give us another hand on the tech side of things, and that I should have this open and ready." When he finished, his laptop lit up brightly, surprising everyone. "Zoids! What's-?"

An arc of light and static then erupted from the laptop's screen and deposited a figure onto the floor in the middle of the group. When the light subsided, the figure stood up, revealed to be a red-headed-and-bearded, barrel-chested middle-aged man. (Said man's beard was more of the 'salt-and-paprika' variety these days.) The man wore a white-collar button-down shirt under a blue blazer, brown loafers and socks, and a proper red-plaid kilt with a matching cap on his head.

"Oof, what a way ta travel," the man said with a Scottish brogue as he dusted himself off. "Been quite a while since Ah've done that."

Freakazoid and Freakazette's faces lit up as soon as they recognized the man. "RODDY!" they shouted as they quickly ensnared the Scotsman in a bear hug.

"*WHEEZE* Great beasties, will ye give me an inch already?!" Roddy Macstew said, causing the Freaks to ease their grip on him. "Much betta. Good ta see ye laddie, lassie."

Kensuke and Mayumi, observing from the Freakazones, were quite surprised.

_So _this_ is the real Roddy,_ Kensuke mused.

_Somehow, if the AI we know was anything to go by, I had a feeling the actual Roddy would _definitely_ be the quintessential Scotsman,_ Mayumi concurred.

"What're you doing here?" Freakazette asked.

"Dexter got me caught up on th' situation," Roddy explained, "I figured ye might need all th' help ye can get if ye wanna save the world from both Gutierrez and four-eyes over there." With his thumb, he pointed towards Gendo. Roddy then noticed the mobile projector unit next to Freakazette, and the holographic face that was a mirror image of his own. "Well whaddya know? Now _there's_ a handsome AI if I ever did see one."

"Aye, an' it's not eevery day ye meet th' basis fer yerself in-person," R.O.D.D.Y. said as a robotic arm extended to shake his namesake's hand.

Freakazoid then turned to the NERV staffers. "Everyone, meet Roddy Macstew," he proudly said while introducing the Scotsman, "me and Freakazette's mentor. He helped us become the heroes we are today!"

The NERV staffers, baffled by Roddy's sudden appearance, greeted him with all manner of 'hello', 'hey' and 'hi there' they knew.

"If you don't mind me asking," Ritsuko started to say, "just how did you get all the way here in the first place?"

"Simple," the Scotsman answered, "I traveled through th' internet from me company headquarters in Glasgow. It's a pretty bumpy ride though, wouldn't recommend it ta first-timers."

Ritsuko blinked three times, looked at Misato briefly, and sputtered as she attempted to respond. "Traveled _through the internet_? Seriously?! But that-that's not possibly-but how could you-?!" Before she could go any further, she stopped and threw her hands up in the air for a brief minute. "You know what? Forget I said anything, I've got it by now, some things you just _don't_ question."

Roddy then cracked his knuckles. "All right, lads n' lassies, hang onto yer haggis-if what Dexter's told me is any indicator, we're gonna be in fer a _long_ evening..."

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**It begins...**

**The chapter's title riffs on a song from the 1967 self-titled debut album of The Doors, famously used in 1979's ****_Apocalypse, Now_****.**

**Gutierrez, during his villainous monologue, in addition to briefly touching upon a philosophical idea present in 1999's ****_The Matrix_****, also briefly paraphrases Number Two in ****_Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery_****. (Them both having eyepatches covering the same eye certainly helped!) His brief back-and-forth with Gendo riffs on a similar bit from the season one segment "The Cloud", where Freakazoid criticizes the Lobe's plan.**

**Baffeardin's dramatic introduction is another hallmark of their spoofing of ****_Gargoyles_**** in the original Lawn Gnomes segment.**

**Annnd, surprise! The real Roddy Macstew joins in on the action! An earlier idea had him not coming alone, where he'd be joined by a couple of celebrity guests: Michael Jai White and Lucy Liu. (Apparently, Roddy had been a major consultant on White's [fictional] film ****_Black Dynamite in the Highlands_****.)**

**And now for some fun, inspired by a pretty obscure semi-recurring ****_Animaniacs _****segment! (And no, it's not the 'Randy Beaman' Kid.)**

_Omake 17 - Freakazoid's 'Coulda Been' Theater, Part 1_

The camera opened on Freakazoid, clad in a smoking jacket and sitting on a comfy easy chair by a fireplace in a fancy-looking library/study, with a book open on his lap.

Freakazoid [in a fancy tone of voice]: "Well, hello there, good people! As many of you know, one of the most popular questions asked in all of storytelling is comprised of two little words: 'what' and 'if'. In film, television, and the occasional comic book, this question can lead into all manner of multiversal fables, imaginary stories-a subgenre we like to call 'speculative fiction'. Indeed, the wide breadth of _Evangelion _fan fiction is where the 'speculative' in 'speculative fiction' runs wild the most. I toyed with the idea of giving it a shot myself, so join me, if you will, as I present a certain sequence of events from the very first episode of this landmark anime series-with a twist!

**-X-**

It had been a very, very strange day for Shinji Ikari. He'd arrived in Tokyo-3 after being summoned by his father, only to discover the city was under attack by a giant creature strangely called an Angel. He'd been picked up by Misato Katsuragi and spirited away to the place of his father's work: NERV. He'd then been brought face-to-face with the result of his father's work, dubbed mankind's ultimate weapon against the Angels. Shinji half paid attention as Misato and Dr. Ritsuko Akagi talked about why he'd been brought to NERV, the giant face of the purple colossus known as Evangelion Unit-01 in the background. His father, Commander Gendo Ikari, had made his presence known earlier and had momentarily stunned the teenager; the two hadn't seen each other for over ten years. Finally, Shinji spoke up.

Shinji: "Father...Why did you send for me?"

Gendo: "You know exactly why."

How Shinji reacted next took everyone by great surprise.

Shinji [fists clenched]: "...I don't see you for TEN years...You finally call me, not giving me any other reason..."

All present in the EVA cage became further surprised when they noticed Shinji's eyes...were beginning to glow brightly.

Shinji [teeth gritted, now getting angry]: "Just to force me into a giant robot I've _never _seen before in my life..._to fight a giant monster?!_"

Gendo and the others felt their jaws drop as they then saw Shinji begin to undergo a change-he appeared to be growing taller and bulkier in size. The sight of it was so shocking, even the eyes of Unit-01 widened in fear. Gendo, at that moment, became quite terrified beyond capacity for rational thought, save for that of how his covert surveillance of his son's upbringing outside Tokyo-3 turned out to be not quite as thorough as he'd believed...

Shinji [fury in his deepening, growling voice]: "You...YOU...JEEEE**EERRRRRRKKKK!**"

Shinji, at that moment, then appeared to be enveloped by a man-sized mushroom cloud. When it subsided, to the further shock of all eyewitnesses, standing where the seemingly-shy, meek teenage boy was a light green-skinned monster with glowing eyes. Even worse was, the angrier Shinji was getting, the bigger he also became. In fact, he grew so large that he broke through the ceiling...and through the other armor layers above the Geofront in which NERV HQ resided, until he broke through to the surface, right in the middle of downtown Tokyo-3.

Sachiel, the Third Angel, had just gotten closer to that exact spot when it saw the green rage monster that used to be Shinji burst through the street. The Angel's eyes went wide with shock over this unexpected development, and became more fearful when the Shinji-beast turned around to face it.

Shinji [rushing towards Sachiel]: **"RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"**

Sachiel looked our way briefly as it held up a small sign with the following printed on it:

**Oh, nutbunnies.**

Sachiel couldn't get away as the Shinji-kaiju was soon tackling it to the ground. A fight broke out between the two monsters, covered by an enormous cartoony dust cloud, captured on film by the surveillance cameras throughout the city connected to the bridge. The fight was seen on a large monitor on the bridge, and the command and technical staff watched as the Angel was shown no mercy. Many among them alternated between wincing on seeing a certain blow landed by Shinji and saying things like "Ooh, that's GOTTA hurt!". At one point they saw Sachiel trying desperately to claw its way out of the cloud, only for Shinji's hand to drag it back into the brawl.

Misato [peeking through her fingers]: "...I _don't _think that's the way it's supposed to bend..."

Finally, the fight stopped when Sachiel waved a tiny white flag, and Shinji released its grip on his opponent. The bruised and battered Sachiel then limped away at a speed that should've been impossible for a creature of its size and in its current condition. The Third Angel paid no heed, since only one thing was on its mind as it fled Tokyo-3 very quickly: warning the rest of its brethren that attempting to breach NERV HQ, locate the All-Father Adam and merge with it would not be worth the effort if that...that beast was lurking in the area. Soon, Sachiel was no longer within view, to the astonishment of NERV's staff.

The Shinji-monster then turned back to the opening he made in the ground and descended back into the EVA cage, putting himself face-to-face with the subject of his anger: his father. The now-frightened Gendo fell onto his backside, his hands held up defensively in front of him as the other terrified NERV staff looked on.

Gendo [nervous]: "N-n-now Sh-Sh-Shinji, please just, please just calm down..."

Shinji: **"I ****_AM_**** CALM!"**

Gendo [desperate, forcing a smile]: "*GULP* W-w-w-wait! All that stuff about me calling you here to pilot the robot? Just kidding! Just kidding! Never meant it at all! I just, er, wanted you back in my life! Wanted us to be a family again! Heh-heh! Work won't get in the way of father-son quality time, I swear! What do you say-can we start over? Please?!"

The Shinji-beast uttered a low growl as he eyed Gendo suspiciously.

Shinji: **"YOU MEAN IT...?"**

Gendo [nodding his head fervently]: "Yes, yes! All of it! 100%"

At that moment, Shinji suddenly shrank back down to his normal form, seemingly unfazed by everything that had happened to him moments ago.

Shinji [a brighter expression on his face]: "Okay!"

Misato and Ritsuko, both still wide-eyed with their mouths agape, stared at the father-son interaction in front of them before briefly trading glances with one another. Ritsuko then proceeded to faint, her falling form caught by Misato. Misato, looking our way, rolled her eyes.

Misato [shaking her head resignedly]: "They don't pay me enough for this..."

Freakazoid then appeared over the shot, a conductor's baton in his right hand.

Freakazoid: "All together now!"

He then proceeded to conduct the off-screen vocal group as they sang the following:

_**Now all of NERV knows, how anytime soon,**_

_**that shrimpy, wimpy Shinji, goes-**_

[The sound of a blast is briefly heard.]

_**KA-BOOM!**_


	50. Episode 49

**Episode 42 - The Hacking and its Sacking**

Over in the area where the pilot locker rooms were located, Toji was leaning against a wall supported by his right arm, a shocked look on his face. Said look would be justified, considering what Shinji and Asuka had just told him about regarding the true intentions of SEELE and the former's own father, and how it would be up to them to stop both things from happening. Toji forced his shock to subside a bit as he faced his two friends.

"Where's Ayanami right now?" he asked. The bluenette was noticeably absent from their group.

"She went ahead to get in Unit-00," Shinji answered.

"Said she wanted to be ready when things start going down," Asuka added, before looking at the watch on her plugsuit's left cuff. "Which should be right about..."

Before she could utter another word, the alarms started to blare throughout HQ.

"...Now," she finished, before looking back up at Toji. "We don't have a lot of time, so listen up, stooge. Let's just get in our plugs, stand by for our cue, and save the world like we mean it. Think of Hikari, think of your sister, think of everyone you care about and DON'T think about failure." She then gave some of her focus to Shinji as she took his hand in hers. "Now let's MOVE 'EM OUT!" Both boys nodded and the three of them soon dashed to the EVA cages, where the plugs were waiting for them. Before they did anything else, both Shinji and Asuka shared a quick kiss for good luck, and then they, and Toji, headed up the gangways to their waiting plugs, and proceeded to get inside.

"Not a moment too soon," Rei commented from a vid-screen as soon as the other plugs finished their startup procedures.

**The bridge, around that time...**

A pinging then sounded off from Makoto's console, indicating a new alert. Makoto checked it, and reported back to Misato. "Just confirmed," he said, "Someone in Tokyo-2's just issued Special Order A-801!"

"Just like Kaji predicted," Misato said to herself, before she began issuing orders. "You heard it right, people! As of now, NERV's special legal status has just been rescinded! We're on our own now, so get ready to fend off any and all incursions!"

The reports started coming in like clockwork as soon as something was detected making its way into the MAGI.

"Confirmed," Shigeru stated, "we've got four MAGI-type units trying to make their way into our systems. China, Russia, and Germany's are confirmed so far."

"Good. We were expecting this," Ritsuko affirmed. She then quickly brought up a secure video-chat up on her tablet, with Hitomi Kaga answering on the other end. "Hitomi, all set on your side?"

"All set," Dr. Kaga confirmed, "my team's raring to go". Both head scientists then turned to their respective subordinates, their typing fingers itching to get started.

"GO!" they both ordered. In that instant, Makoto, Maya, and Shigeru (on one side of the world), and Aoi, Satsuki, and Kaede (on the other) ran their fingers across the keyboard with great speed as they brought up their counter-hacking program. Both were supported by Dexter and R.O.D.D.Y. as the counter-program's avatars appeared on one of the larger screens of Central Dogma. The form it took was unconventional, but oddly fitting: a small squadron of 8-bit tanks positioned behind some pre-fab barriers. The hackers' virus, in turn, took on the form of some 8-bit aliens.

"Gee, now where've we seen _that_ before?" Roddy asked in a bemused voice.

Misato looked at Ritsuko with a slightly-baffled look on her face. "_Space Invaders_?"

Ritsuko smiled before she replied. "It's mine and Hitomi's favorite arcade classic. We used to try to one-up each other with some ROM copies back in sophomore year. Figured it wouldn't hurt, aesthetically-speaking."

As the others watched, the bridge bunnies of two NERV branches operated the counter-virus like a well-oiled machine, taking down as many of the critters that made up the hacker virus. Observing all of this, Freakazoid, after briefly assuming a contemplative pose, quickly got out a boombox from behind his person and placed it on a console next to him.

"Needs a bit of background motivational music, in my _humble_ opinion," he said gleefully as he pressed 'play'.

**[Suggested music: "Tom Sawyer" by Rush.]**

One tech's ears immediately perked up at the sound of the Canadian prog-rock band. "Oh, YEAH!" Shigeru enthusiastically said as he briefly looked Freakazoid's way, "Like the way you think, Freak-man!"

"Less talk-y, more type-y!" Ritsuko commanded, causing Shigeru to renew his focus on the task at hand. The two sets of bridge bunnies, along with Dexter, were sweating as they ran their fingers across their respective keyboards, timing every keystroke and the shot each tank fired, all unconsciously to the rhythm and beat of the song, allowing them to take out wave after wave of the virus, even as their barriers were worn down. Techs on both sides of the globe rushed to towel them off or 'refuel' them with Gatorade while the bridge bunnies kept up their valiant efforts, like one would do with a pro football team between plays. It was such an uncanny sight that even Gendo and Fuyutsuki were astounded by. Finally, after what seemed like a never-ending struggle, the last of the virus 'creatures' was taken out by a shot fired from Maya.

"Got 'em!" Maya shouted excitedly as the rest of the bridge erupted into cheers. Their celebration was short-lived when they noticed that one lone 'mothership' was still standing.

"Quick! Take it down!" Misato ordered. The two sets of bridge bunnies immediately sprang into action, taking turns firing off shots at the mothership, only for it to remain unscathed.

"What's with that thing? We can't even make a dent in it!" Aoi wondered worriedly.

**SEELE virtual meeting room, around that same time...**

"Don't assume you can foil me that easily," Gutierrez said with a smirk as he oversaw the operation of the viral hacking. "Activate the mothership's advance!"

On his order, one of his lackey programmers entered in the command, causing the 'mothership' to begin advancing...

**NERV HQ, the bridge...**

"What do we have on that thing?" Ritsuko asked.

"I've been running an analysis," Naoko answered as she pulled up some data. "This thing's the 'big gun' they held in reserve in case the initial wave failed to penetrate our cyber-defenses. Its coding is composed of more sterner sequencing than we'd previously thought, and if it makes it past our firewalls, it'll go off like an N2 mine. The Central MAGI will be finished!"

"Even worse," Maya reported, "a lot of our counter-viral defenses were worn down heavily by the initial waves. We can't withstand another assault!"

"Isn't there anything we can do at all?" Freakazette asked.

R.O.D.D.Y., at that moment, grew a very determined look on his face. "There is, lass," the digi-Scotsman said. "I'll upload meself into the system and execute a M.A.D. protocol that'll overrun its directives an' take it out."

"M.A.D.?" Misato asked, before she grew a worried look on her face. "Isn't that-?!"

"Mutually-Assured Destruction," Ritsuko grimly finished. The Freaks and Naoko became shocked by what that meant.

"You can't!" Freakazoid fearfully said as he clutched R.O.D.D.Y.'s mobile projector unit. "You'll be wiped out too!"

"Ye think I don't know that?!" R.O.D.D.Y. barked back. "If Ah don't do this, then none o' us will be walkin' away from the disaster that thing will bring about. Ah'm sorry, laddie, but I gotta pull a Mr. Spock on ye. Needs of the many an' all that, ye know how it goes."

"He's right, lad," Roddy said as he put a reassuring hand on Freakazoid's shoulder. "Like it or not, it's the only way."

Freakazoid tried to say something, but the gravity of the situation made him realize that both Roddys were telling the truth, and he stepped back.

R.O.D.D.Y. then faced Naoko. "It's been an honor, Dr. Akagi."

Naoko nodded solemnly in turn. "Same here."

R.O.D.D.Y. then turned to Ritsuko. "Ritsy, as soon as ye plug me in, have the bridge bunnies attach every remainin' piece of the counter-virus to me coding. Gotta get meself up to the virus's level so it won't plow past me."

Ritsuko nodded as she took a USB connector cable and plugged R.O.D.D.Y.'s unit into the console she was at. "Thank you. For everything," she said.

"Anytime," R.O.D.D.Y. said with a slight smile as he then transferred from the mobile unit to the console. From there, the bridge bunnies quickly keyed in the remaining parts of the counter-virus to attach themselves to R.O.D.D.Y., until finally, the digital Scotsman appeared on the larger screen, full-bodied and carrying a set of bagpipes. R.O.D.D.Y. faced the mothership virus, both hands set on the pipes.

"All right, ye reject from Taito's drawin' board," R.O.D.D.Y. started to say defiantly, "by Sir Ian McKellen's white, wavy robes-YE SHALL NOT PASS!"

R.O.D.D.Y. then began to play on the bagpipes, the familiar notes of "Scotland the Brave" pouring out as he flew on a collision course with the mothership program. The eyes of most observers on the bridge widened in astonishment at the spectacle unfolding before them, and a few let out some shocked gasps as the two digital forces clashed. Those on the bridge briefly shielded their eyes as the large screen lit up with an explosive flash; when they brought their arms down, the screen was empty. Misato chose that moment to assess the situation.

"Status report?" she asked Makoto.

Makoto checked the diagnostics of the MAGI before he answered. "Hacking attempt has been permanently stopped. Virus has been destroyed."

"And R.O.D.D.Y.?" she asked further.

Makoto solemnly shook his head, confirming the worst. The others looked concernedly at Freakazoid.

"I'm sorry, kid," Sgt. Kusagabe said as he put a reassuring hand on the wacky wonder's shoulder. "He's gone."

Freakazoid, lips quivering momentarily while tears welled in his eyes, then turned and bawled his heart out into Kusagabe's shoulder. "Why, why, why, WHY-HU-HU-HU-HYYYYYYYYYY?!" Kusagabe proceeded to pat his back as he comforted him.

Freakazette handed a tissue box to Freakazoid, who promptly took some and blew into the wad with a loud, long ***HONK!***. Bo-Ron bowed his head slightly; the Lawn Gnomes bowed their heads and removed their hats, holding them to their hearts.

"Man, he hasn't reacted like this since finding out years ago that they got rid of the motorboat ride at Disneyland," Freakazette said, shaking her head. Misato and Ritsuko, a bit wide-eyed on hearing that detail, gave each other a silent nod, indicating that they probably shouldn't tell him about what happened to Tokyo Disney.

"*SNIFF* That made water come out my eyes," a blubbering Freakazoid said.

"If it's any consolation, laddie," Roddy consoled, "he's probably in a better place now."

Freakazoid sniffed a bit before responding. "You think so?" he asked.

"Yeah, he's probably gone to that cloud thing they keep talking about on the internet," Kusagabe suggested.

The three bridge bunnies of NERV-Central looked at one another on hearing that statement. Maya shrugged. "That...actually would make sense," she said.

Gendo, observing all this from his command perch, rolled his eyes. "Oh, for Pete's sake..." he grumbled quietly. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't quiet enough since everyone else soon was glaring daggers at him, slightly surprising the commander. "What? What did I say?"

Ignoring his insensitive remarks, the others turned back to consoling Freakazoid. Chatter soon erupted from the comms.

"Misato? Everything okay?" Shinji asked.

"Did you beat back the hacking attempt?" Asuka asked.

Misato spoke into her comm headset as she answered them. "We did, guys," she replied.

"Why do you sound so sad then?" Shinji asked.

Misato hesitated a bit before just going with the honest answer. "We...We had a casualty," she said. "R.O.D.D.Y. sacrificed himself to stop the hack's last gasp."

Shinji, Asuka, and Rei gasped upon hearing this.

"Guys?" a slightly-confused Toji started to ask. "Who's R.O.D.D.Y.?"

The other three didn't say anything at first, until Rei did. "Of all the souls, real or artificial, that I have met," the bluenette started to say, "his was the most...human..."

**-X-**

At that moment, somewhere in America, William Shatner sneezed. Baffled, he looked around, just wondering where that had come from.

**-X-**

Roddy then helped Freakazoid stand straight back up. "We'll mourn digi-me later," he said sternly, "'cause right now, we've bigger things ta worry about."

"He's right," Misato affirmed. "We won this battle, but there's still a war to finish." She then shot Freakazoid a confident grin. "Think you can help us beat the bad guys?"

Freakazoid sniffled one last time, before letting his own confident grin adorn his face. "Who says I can't?" He then tossed the wad of gooey tissue into a nearby wastebasket, before raising his fist high. "You hear that, Gutierrez?! Is that the best you got?! Come and get us, ya weenie!"

Gendo uttered a low growl as he briefly clenched his fists. "He just _had_ to say that weenie word..."

**SEELE virtual meeting room...**

Gutierrez and the rest of the SEELE council had been surprised by how their hacking attempt had been finally quashed.

"_This_ we definitely did not see coming," one SEELE councilman said.

"They certainly aren't making acquiring the MAGI easy, that's for sure," another said.

"Indeed," Gutierrez affirmed. "I'd hoped we could get this done with less..._violent_ means. But it appears we will have to get rough for this one." He then eyed two of the other council members. "Give the order-initiate the armed response at once!"

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**The battle begins, and one character doesn't make it! For those of you attached to him, my humblest apologies.**

**Yes, both NERV teams essentially beat back SEELE's hacking attempts with ****_Space Invaders_****, continuing a trend started in my prior "Super-Wackos of EVA" story "NERV Gets Juiced".**

**Freakazoid adding his own 'soundtrack' is a nod to season 2, episode 5 of ****_Chuck_****, "Chuck Versus Tom Sawyer", though the videogame in that episode was ****_Missile Command_****.**

**R.O.D.D.Y. invokes two famous cinematic heroic sacrifices: Leonard Nimoy's Spock in ****_Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan_****, and Ian McKellen's Gandalf in ****_The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_****.**

**Freakazoid's mourning and Freakazette's comment about it refers to the events of the season one segment "The Cloud", where Freakazoid had learned of the closing of both the Motor Boat Cruise and Skyway rides at Disneyland in 1993 and 1994, respectively. Freakazoid's quote following that is recycled from "The Chip (Act IV)", when Roddy disappears into the internet and leaves a message behind.**

**Rei's statement (and the Shatner sneeze) also invokes ****_Wrath of Khan_****.**

**Next time: more physical action sequences, I promise!**


	51. Episode 50

**Episode 43 - (Buildup to a) Rumble in the Geofront**

The moment Gutierrez issued his orders, the SEELE plant within the Japanese government-which turned out to be the Deputy Prime Minister-excused himself from the meeting currently going on between Kaji, the Prime Minister and her staff, and proceeded to head towards his office. Kaji, thinking the timing was just a _tad_ too suspicious, quietly sent Freakazoid a warning text.

**NERV HQ, the bridge, that very moment...**

Freakazoid felt his phone vibrate and quickly fished his phone out of his pocket. On the screen was a single text:

DEPUTY PM'S A PLANT.  
HEADING TO ACTIVATE THE JSSDF RIGHT NOW.

"Just got word from Kaji," Freakazoid said to the others. "Sounds like the SEELE mole is the Deputy Prime Minister, and he's been given the cue to send in the troops! Luckily, we were prepared for that too." He then nodded to Freakazette, who then got her own phone out and quickly dialed a number.

"Naoko, you linked up to the Freak-a-puter?" Freakazoid asked.

"I'm linked," the digitized scientist replied. "Preparing to intercept Deputy PM's call."

"What're you going to do?" Misato asked.

Freakazette, waiting for the other line to pick up, answered her. "Remember when we said we had plans for the Rei clones?"

"Well, yes, why do you ask?" Ritsuko posed. In fact, she'd been extremely curious as to what the Freaks were going to do with the clones for days.

"Well, after you guys went back up top," Freakazette casually began to explain, "me and Freakazoid got them out of the tank, took them to Lilith, and had her bestow upon them the gift of sentience and individuality."

Hearing this made Gendo's jaw drop in utter shock.

"After that, we enrolled them in a crash course on over-the-phone customer service skills," Freakazoid added. "All of them passed with high marks, of course. Now we're gonna put their newly-taught skillset to the test!"

The other line on Freakazette's phone answered. "This is it, girls-knock 'em dead!" she said with encouragement before hanging up.

**Office of the Deputy Prime Minister, a minute later...**

The Deputy Prime Minister had just gotten to his office and immediately went to pick up the phone. He then dialed a number, unaware that Naoko had tapped his phone line and was now redirecting the call to a new destination. The unknowing Deputy PM listened as someone on the other line answered.

"This is Deputy Prime Minister Tsuchiya," he started to say, "I have urgent orders for the JSSDF command."

"Good evening, you've reached customer service, my name is is Kimiko, how can I assist you today?" a sweet, young female voice asked in turn.

A look of confusion appeared on the Deputy PM's face as soon as he heard that. "Excuse me?"

"Do you have any general inquiries, sir, or would you prefer to speak to a manager?" the voice further asked, revealed to us as belonging to a Rei clone seated at a desk, wearing a headset with a cute look on her face.

"Um...My apologies, wrong number," the Deputy PM said as he hung the phone up before picking it back up and dialing again.

"Customer service, this is Yumi speaking, how can I assist you this evening?" a Valley girl-like voice answered on the other line. The voice belonged to another Rei clone, who was sitting at her desk in a more laid-back manner as she filed her nails. "While I'm at it, can I, like, interest you in a turquoise necklace with 14-karat plated gold trim, perhaps for the missus? It's one of our top sellers this week!"

The Deputy PM grew even more confounded. "Er, my mistake, our lines must have gotten crossed." He then hung the phone up again and then picked back up before proceeding to dial again. Yet again, the voice that answered him wasn't any secretary for the JSSDF command staff.

"It is a beautiful Wednesday evening, this is Akiko, how can I be at your service today?" a prim-and-proper-sounding young woman's voice asked. The voice belonged to yet another Rei clone, sitting upright at her desk with her fingers interwoven. "Before I go any further, I would like to inform you that there is a short 5-minute survey before the end of this call-"

The Deputy PM quickly hung up before she could finish her statement, a look of panic beginning to appear on his face. He then proceeded to dial again, and again, and again, and again, but was met with similar unexpected, unexplained responses:

"Customer service, you've reached Aiko, how can help you today?"

"This is customer service, my name's Kari, what can I do for you?"

"Hi, you've reached customer service, I'm Mariko! Can I help you?"

All of those responses, in turn, were coming from a location unknown to the Deputy PM: the Freakalair's call center, currently staffed by the presently-liberated and individualized Rei clones.

After hanging up for the umpteenth time, the Deputy PM was now in a full-blown panic. He started pacing around his office, ruminating on what to do and how his masters would react if they found out he'd failed to sic the JSSDF on NERV.

"*UGH* Why did I even get myself involved in all this?!" he bemoaned. "I knew I should've turned those SEELE creeps down when I had the-"

His train of thought was cut off when he found that he wasn't alone, as Kaji, the Prime Minister, and her staff were standing right in the doorway to his office. Kaji had a very satisfied grin on his face, while those of the PM and her staff varied between shock and utter disappointment.

"Looks like you've got some explaining to do," Kaji slyly said as he held up his phone, with which he'd been recording the Deputy PM's actions the whole time. The Deputy PM, realizing he'd been found red-handed, hung his head shamefully and sighed, holding his hands out as security cuffed him.

**The SEELE council meeting...**

Gutierrez tapped his fingers on the right armrest of his chair, and then briefly glanced at his watch.

"Just _how long_ does it take to simply issue fake orders to the JSSDF command?" he asked frustratingly, his patience growing thinner with each passing minute.

"Mr. Chairman," one of the council members began to suggest, "would it not be easier to simply email the command staff directly with spoofed addresses to hide our identities?"

Gutierrez gave that some thought as held his chin briefly before he replied. "You do make a good point," he said before turning his attention to another of his computer programmer flunkies. "Make it so!"

The flunky nodded his head and proceeded to start composing an email designed to look like it came from the office of the Japanese prime minister, and when he was done, promptly sent it off.

**NERV HQ, the bridge...**

A pinging sounded off from Shigeru's console, which he immediately checked. "Got an incoming email headed for the servers of JSSDF command!"

"And it's been made to look like it came from the Prime Minister's office," Naoko worriedly added.

"Thankfully, we're also prepared for something like that!" Freakazoid said as he quickly dialed a number on his phone. When the other line picked up, he spoke quickly. "It's me-Cyrano's unleashed the Tribbles! Repeat, Cyrano's unleashed the Tribbles!"

**Fan Boy's startup, Washington, D.C., at that moment...**

Fan Boy nodded as he heard Freakazoid say the coded warning. "I read you, loud and clear!" Fan Boy said before hanging up and facing his entire staff, all seated at their computers. "Ready, everyone?" he asked, and was met with affirmative nods. "Go!"

With that, the staff-having hacked their way into creating a tap into SEELE's network-began typing and coding away as they worked to create a wall in the path of that email. In cyberspace, their efforts paid off when the email crashed into the wall, just before it reached its destination.

"Email intercepted and destroyed!" one of the female staff members confirmed.

"Terrific!" the grinning Fan Boy said, "Oh boy, is this great...!" He then got into a dramatically heroic pose. "Now for phase two!"

His staff then shifted gears and began coding in a new sequence, one that changed the wall in cyberspace into a tunnel, one that would funnel a nasty surprise back to SEELE's servers.

"SPAMMING SPEEEEED!" Fan Boy giddily shouted.

**Gutierrez's 'war room', a minute later...**

"Sir, we've got a problem!" one of Gutierrez's flunkies said with alarm.

"*Sigh* What is it _now_?" Gutierrez asked, sounding quite annoyed.

"The email's been destroyed en route, and now our inbox-no wait, our servers, they're being..._spammed_!"

"Hmm?" Gutierrez then walked over to the tech's station and saw as the inbox was filled with an enormous amount of junk email. He then took a whiff of the smell coming from the console, which turned out to be quite familiar.

"Hormel...hot & spicy flavor, specifically..." Gutierrez said with realization as he clenched his fist while slowly raising it. "There's only one person who'd _dare_ spam me in such a pun-inspired fashion..." His fist then rose above his head. "FREAKAZOID! Through FAN BOY, no doubt!" He then returned to his own console to address the rest of the SEELE council. "Have the Mass Production Evangelions readied for transport and send them to Tokyo-3. In the meantime, it appears we will _not_ be utilizing the JSSDF for this matter-signal all our private military contractors to begin their strike!" He then got up from his desk.

"Where are you going?" a council member asked.

Gutierrez smirked as he replied. "I shall personally oversee the assault on the Geofront myself. After all, no one wants to be labeled an 'armchair general' now, do they?" With that, his hologram blinked out.

The other council members looked at one another, not too surprised by Gutierrez's actions.

"...Keys to my private jet says he completely blows this one," one council member said.

"You're on!" another said in response to the proposed bet.

**Tokyo-3, minutes later...**

The leader of one of the many SEELE-hired PMC's hung up his satellite phone after being given the go-ahead to storm the Geofront, which he then passed on to the other squad leaders of the initial waves. They soon moved out, whether on foot, APC, or VTOL, heading into either the large hole left by the attack of the 14th Angel or any roadways leading inside that they managed to break open. Their movements weren't lost on our heroes on the bridge.

"Tracking movement in the tunnels and the crater!" Makoto reported as he pulled up camera feeds onto one of the larger screens. Soon they all saw the varying uniforms and logos of each PMC group making their way in.

"Just as I thought," Misato said, her eyes narrowed. "They hired all manner of PMC's just in case they couldn't fool the JSSDF into doing their dirty work."

"Sounds like you've had some experience with these types," Ritsuko noted.

Misato nodded at that. "When I was in the U.N. forces, groups like these were sometimes brought in as additional support to end the fighting quickly in some of the more volatile trouble spots of the world. I even recognize a few of the logos on these guys, seen a lot of them in action as well. Some of the armor vehicles are familiar, too-they look like old surplus from Vukanova's dictatorship days."

"Huh, now there's a name I haven't thought of in a long time," Freakazoid said.

"You've been to Vukanova?" Misato asked curiously.

"For sure!" Freakazoid replied, "I'm the reason Janos Ivenovowels eventually got booted from power! Still, wonder how they got their hands on all that Vukanova surplus..."

"I can answer that, laddie," Roddy replied. "Following his arrest and trial, Ivenovowels managed to escape prison and went underground, becomin' an arms dealer."

"Huh. Fits," Freakazette commented.

"Don't mean to sound impatient, but aren't you guys going to go stop them?" Maya asked warily as she pointed to the screen.

Freakazoid and Freakazette, looking up from their handheld video game consoles, smiled sheepishly as they quickly, nonchalantly tossed them aside.

_Can't believe it took hearing it from Maya to get you guys back on track_, Kensuke mused with a face-palm.

_Well, at least she saved us the effort,_ Mayumi said as she shook her head.

Suddenly, a new face appeared among them when Boa-Magnon leaped down from the ceiling, surprising everyone.

"Apologies for my tardiness," the mercenary said. "Had to make sure I was well-equipped for the skirmish to come, and I had to help Ja-Burr navigate his way through the air ducts." Just as she said that, the enormous snake in question slithered out of one such duct, further surprising the bridge crew.

Gendo's eyebrows shot up in astonishment. "What are you doing here?!" he asked. "You were hired to _capture_ Freakazoid, not fight alongside him!"

Boa-Magnon glared at Gendo before she replied. "Ah, yes, about that-consider our contract _null and void_, Ikari." She then turned to Misato. "You must be Major Katsuragi, correct?" She then handed Misato a few papers. "The children's most recent report cards. I must say, they've made quite the improvement since I started teaching them."

Misato did a double-take from Boa to the report cards and back. "Thanks, I think," she said as she stuffed the cards into her jacket pocket. "Unfortunately, now's not really the time."

"All right then, let's move, people!" Freakazoid dramatically exclaimed as he and Freakazette, Boa-Magnon, Ja-Burr, Bo-Ron, and the Lawn Gnomes in tow, sped up to the Geofront's interior, where they'd meet the newly-arrived first wave of PMC's at the gates. Back on the bridge, Misato then made to issue a new command.

"Better send the kids up too, they can disable their armor and VTOLs," Misato said as she tapped her headset. "Guys, we're sending you topside to help Freakazoid and the others. Let them handle the human element, you disable their vehicles."

"Roger!" Shinji, Asuka, Toji, and Rei all replied.

Gendo then chose that moment to speak. "Rei, keep Unit-00 on standby," he commanded, making the others turn to him in surprise.

"What?! Sir, what're you doing?!" Misato asked.

"Major Katsuragi, keep Unit-00 in reserve," Gendo reiterated sternly. "That is a direct order. Understood?"

Misato grumbled to herself before replying. "Yes, sir." She then spoke to the pilots. "Rei, you get all that?"

"Yes, Major," Rei replied. _It is just as you figured, Freakazoid,_ the bluenette thought to herself.

"All right then," Misato started to say, "all other EVAs, launch!"

With that, Units-01 through 03 were then sent up into the Geofront interior, just as Freakazoid and the others reached their own spot. The sight of this startled the PMC squads, who then became confused upon seeing the Freaks, Boa-Magnon and her snake, Bo-Ron, and the Lawn Gnomes. And just when things couldn't get even odder? All of a sudden, everyone on the battlefield heard a new sound:

The sound of a big rig-style truck's horn.

**[Suggested music: "Convoy" by C.W. McCall.]**

All eyes, either on the field or on the bridge, looked to where the sound was coming from and became utterly surprised by the sight of Bessie Mae (in its flight mode) making its way through the hole in the armor layers, until it came into full view and landed on a patch of grass a few feet from the EVAs. After shifting back into its normal configuration, a number of familiar faces (to Freakazoid and friends) exited Bessie Mae and joined NERV's unusual defenders. Said faces consisted of Longhorn himself; the Huntsman, wearing a more battle-ready version of his costume; Lord Bravery; Vorn the Unspeakable, clad in a set of armor that wouldn't have looked out of place in a Conan the Barbarian movie; and Cave Guy and Cobra Queen, along with the latter's own two giant snakes.

"Looks like we made it just in time," Longhorn said with a grin as he eagerly cracked his knuckles.

Cave Guy and Cobra Queen took a moment to catch up with their daughter. "I _definitely_ didn't have this in mind when planning our next family outing," Cave Guy commented.

"As long as we're together, my love," Cobra Queen replied, "that's the key thing."

"Oh, mum," Boa said with a slightly-embarrassed blush, before the two large snakes slithered up to her; she immediately gave them each a friendly petting. "Ah, Klauvoor, Chrilatta, so good to see you two! Who's been a pair of good snakes? Who's been? You've been, yes you have! Yes you have!"

Observing this from the bridge, it was safe to say that, aside from Roddy, a good number of people were quite stunned and speechless for the moment.

"Is it just me, or does this story just keep getting weirder and weirder?" Ritsuko asked no one in particular, a sweat drop next to her head.

Misato, glancing at her friend for a moment, simply shrugged. "It's definitely not just you," she said before briefly looking in our direction.

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Here comes the cavalry! Tune in next chapter to where the battle really kicks off!**

**The deputy prime minister's last name comes from Japanese actor Yoshio Tsuchiya, known for his roles in films such as _The Seven Samurai _and many an entry in the Godzilla franchise.**

**The Rei clones' thwarting of the attempt to send in the JSSDF is inspired by a sketch from the ****_Saturday Night Live_**** episode hosted by Donald Glover, where he, Kenan Thompson, and Chris Redd play three prison inmates working in the facility's call center. It's a really hilarious sketch, highly recommended!**

**Freakazoid's signal to Fan Boy refers to the classic season two ****_Star Trek _****episode "The Trouble with Tribbles".**

**Fan Boy, during his scene, utters Flounder's line from the climax of ****_National Lampoon's Animal House_****, which starred his original voice actor, the late, great Stephen Furst. ****_Animal House _is ****also invoked when Fan Boy paraphrases D-Day's "Ramming speeeeed!" line from that same climax.**

**The spamming of Gutierrez's servers riffs on the radar jamming gag from Mel Brooks's ****_Spaceballs_****.**

**Vukanova was a fictional country that acted as the setting of the first episode of ****_Freakazoid's _****second season, "Mission: Freakazoid". Janos Ivenovowels was the brutal minister of state security that had the Douglas family (and the mime from ****_Animaniacs_****) imprisoned while they were touring the country.**

**As seen in Longhorn's debut episode from season one, his truck Bessie Mae had the ability to assume a flight mode and an undersea mode, allowing it to pursue Freakazoid in the Freakmobile throughout the episode.**

**I gave Cobra Queen's snakes names in a manner similar to Boa-Magnon's. Klauvoor is named for Klaus Voorhees, the Marvel Comics supervillain (and member of the Serpent Society/Serpent Squad) known as King Cobra. Chrilatta's name is a pun on the late Chris Latta, who among his most famous characters is Cobra Commander from ****_G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero_****.**


	52. Episode 51

**Episode 44 - Rumble in the Geofront**

An almost Old West-style staredown had fallen upon the two sides on the battlefield, each one holding back the tiniest twitch to make the first move. Off to the side, an orchestra had gathered and was playing a Morricone-like score building up to the first draw. Cobra Queen's snakes, coincidentally, threw in some rattling noises to go with the shots of folks inching their fingers to their holsters (or quivers, in a couple of cases).

Finally, some of the mercs held their weapons up; unfortunately for them, the Huntsman and Boa-Magnon were quicker on the draw. Faster than anyone could say "_Heels_, starring Stephen Amell, coming soon to Starz", the two archers had let loose a number of arrows that lodged themselves right into the barrels of each merc's rifle, just as they pulled the triggers.

***BAM!***

As soon as the smoke cleared, the next thing those mercs knew, they were covered in soot and holding completely ruined weapons in their hands. Freakazoid and friends took advantage of their foes' surprise and charged forward, and the fisticuffs truly began.

Vorn the Unspeakable flew in front of a group of mercs as they aimed their (non-ruined) weapons at him, only for him to snatch them out of their hands and crumple them up as if they were tin foil. He then advanced on the now-frightened mercs, who for some reason started to think of the notorious film flop _Waterworld_ as they looked upon the monster warrior's face.

"Wh-what are you?!" the squad leader asked fearfully.

Vorn spread his wings before he answered. "I am VORN the Unspeakable-many an army has fallen before my might across the breadth of many lands, begging for mercy, though I offered none..._And you are?_"

The squad leader and those under him briefly traded looks, swallowed nervously, and then looked back at Vorn.

"Not being paid enough to deal with this kind of stuff!" the squad leader replied as he and his men turned tail and ran. A satisfied smirk under the tentacles on his face, Vorn then turned his attention to another group of mercs and started clobbering them alongside Longhorn.

"Mess with th' bull, ya get ME!" Longhorn said as he threw a merc into another 10, a graphic at the top of the screen accompanied by a buzzer indicating that he got a strike with that toss.

In Bo-Ron's corner of the battlefield, a number of mercs had climbed up on top of him, trying to force him to the ground. Unfortunately, he proved to be very indifferent to their efforts, as he waddled across the battlefield knocking mercs left and right, either with a wave of his arms or a thrust of his large gut. They didn't even impede his taking a quick drink of soda and crushing the can against his forehead.

In another area, Boa-Magnon (along with her giant snake) and the Huntsman held off their own gaggle of mercs using their respective skills with the quarterstaff; the former's parents, Cave Guy and Cobra Queen, were holding their own quite capably, with the former giving some an introduction to his brute strength and old-fashioned club, and the latter knocking out others with her martial arts skills and the aid of her two giant snakes, who either whipped them aside with their tails or squeezed them into submission.

A group of mercs, in another spot, surrounded the Lawn Gnomes and took aim. Instead of recoiling in fear, the pint-size foursome merely grinned and pulled out from behind their persons some weapons 'borrowed' from Nerdator II's ship, proceeding to then disintegrate the mercs' own weapons with the fittingly-named disintegrator rifles. Upon doing a bit of a double-take from the Gnomes to the empty air they now held in their still-gripping hands, the mercs quickly fled in the other direction, the Lawn Gnomes shooting at them as they gave chase.

Over in another part of the battlefield, Lord Bravery was dealing with another contingent of mercs, as he beat them back with many a dignified-looking punch or throw. His problem was that many would replace the few he'd managed to take down, and it was getting a trifle annoying to him. Briefly eyeing the ceiling of the Geofront's interior, specifically some wreckage near the edge of the nearest opening, gave him a solution. He turned to face the mercs that had aimed a rocket launcher at him, and let a confident grin appear on his face.

"I do believe it's time we ended this dance, don't you think?" the British superhero asked rhetorically, before holding a hand to his mouth. "Oh, gentlemen!"

On hearing that, suddenly a quartet of identical, cartoony-looking English bobbies appeared as an orchestra began to play in the background with a very Gilbert and Sullivan-like melody. Lord Bravery then pulled out a conductor's baton from his sash and began waving it, giving the bobbies their cue. One of them took out a pitch pipe and blew into it briefly, kicking off their song-or rather, Lord Bravery's theme song:

_**Heeeeeeee feels no pain!**_

_**He can fly quite fast!**_

_**In feats of strength,**_

_**he is un-sur-passed!**_

_**His grip is firm,**_

_**never qua-ver-y!**_

_**Britannia's superhero,**_

_**he's Lord Bravery!**_

_**Lord Bray-ver-y!**_

_**Lord Bray-ver-y!**_

_**Lord Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy-veeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr-**_

As the bobbies' pitch climbed higher and higher, the dumbfounded mercs noticed the sound of something cracking and looked upwards.

_**-yyyyyyyyyyyyyy!**_

Unfortunately for those mercs, they had little time to react properly, as the pile of wreckage Lord Bravery had spotted earlier, shaken loose by the vibrations emitted from the bobbies' voices, proceeded to fall on top of them, taking them out of the fight. Lord Bravery looked at his buried, groaning foes, the grin still on his face.

"How's THAT for a smashing 'final smash'?" he asked rhetorically again. He then turned to face us. "You've no idea how good it feels to _not_ be on the receiving end of that for once."

Elsewhere on the battlefield, Asuka (in Unit-02), having seen all that while dealing with some of the enemy VTOLs, was utterly bewildered by what just occurred.

"Huh. Beaten by a theme song," she noted, a sweat drop next to her head. "_That's_ gotta do a number on your self-esteem..."

**The bridge...**

The bewildered mood also hung on the bridge among the staff. It was then that Maya noticed Makoto typing on his keyboard at a fast pace.

"What're you doing?" she asked, one eyebrow arched.

"Oh, just preserving some of this footage for posterity," Makoto replied. "I mean seriously, who else is going to believe we were saved by a blue caveman, a snake lady, an English centurion, a Robin Hood impersonator, an alien, four garden gnomes, a watered-down Lovecraftian horror, and a trucker minotaur-IN ADDITION to two superheroes?"

Maya blinked on hearing all that, and then nodded in agreement. "Good point." Upon looking back at her monitor, her eyes went wide with surprise. "We've got movement at one of the side entrances!"

Misato and Roddy looked to a larger monitor and saw a small group of mercs having just made their way inside, having broken off from the larger group to attempt a breach, which proved successful. Misato immediately went to her headset.

"Shinji! Pass this along to Freakazoid!" she said.

**The Geofront interior, that moment...**

After hearing Misato's message, Shinji turned on Unit-01's speakers while simultaneously having the EVA hold one armored vehicle in place, even as the driver kept pouring on the gas.

"Freakazoid!" he shouted. "We've got a breach! Some of the mercs just got inside!"

Freakazoid heard this while he was taking on a few mercs alongside Freakazette. He quickly shouted towards Unit-01 in response. "Don't worry about it! That's what Kusagabe's for!"

**The bridge...**

Suddenly, the doors to the bridge were forced open and the small squad of mercs entered, weapons at the ready. Misato warily kept her hand at her holster, while Roddy got into a fighting stance.

Kusagabe, on the other hand, simply faced the mercs and pointed his right finger at them.

"HEY! CUT IT OUT!" he ordered sternly.

Surprisingly, the mercs complied and lowered their weapons, unsure of what compelled them to do that. Not surprisingly, the NERV staffers were quite astonished at what they just witnessed.

"How _the heck_ did he do that?" Misato asked Roddy in a whisper.

"Lass, if he's anythin' like me friend Cosgrove, it's better not ta know," the Scotsman replied.

At that moment, Ritsuko nodded towards Maya. "Secret weapon time," she whispered.

"Got it," Maya said as she quietly reached under her desk. She then quickly stood up and held up a certain jar, and proceeded to swiftly unscrew the lid. "Sic 'em, Leiliel!"

On hearing that, the tiny Angel floated out of the jar and towards the stunned mercs. Those that interacted with the tamed Angel knew very well that it wasn't going to let them harm its newfound friends (and providers of delicious food), no siree. Leiliel promptly opened a portal beneath the mercs' feet, into which they fell screaming with surprise. Leiliel then closed the portal and floated back into the jar.

"Where'd Leiliel send them to?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko and Maya eyed each other briefly before one of them answered her.

"You _don't_ want to know," Maya said.

**Undisclosed location, a minute or so later...**

A portal opened and deposited the screaming mercs into what looked like a TV set modeled after a preschool classroom. Confused, the mercs looked around at their new environment, only to gaze in horror as they discovered they weren't alone. Standing opposite them was a man in an orange dinosaur costume with turquoise highlights, and a big grin on his face. The 'dinosaur' chuckled in a goofy voice before he spoke.

"Well hey there!" the dinosaur greeted cheerfully. "We're going to have so much supery-dupery fantabulous fun! Will you be my special friends?"

The mercs then looked at each other briefly before screaming in absolute terror.

**Geofront interior...**

EVA Units-01 through 03 were doing pretty well at keeping the armor vehicles and VTOLs at bay, Unit-02 in particular knocking them out of the sky with an ACME giant-size progressive fly swatter. Thankfully, like any good enemy trooper written for a Saturday morning viewing audience, the merc pilots were able to eject and parachute themselves to safety.

**-X-**

The scene briefly cut to a shot of an old woman wearing a dark blue dress with pink polka-dots and white frills, who looked somewhat like a cross between Nancy Reagan and Phyllis Schafly. She sat behind a desk, and behind her on the wall hung the following objects: a chainsaw, a small axe, a pair of garden shears, some scissors, and a small kitchen knife. In the center was a framed sign that said Network Censor.

"Hello there, kiddies!" she greeted. "I am the Network Censor, here to assure all of our young readers out there that NO ONE was hurt in the previous scene. Everyone is A-OH-KAY!"

The minute she finished, an anvil fell on top of her all of a sudden, with her lips still visible where the bottom of the anvil met the desktop.

"...Including me," the Network Censor got out before the anvil tipped over on the desk's edge and flattened her further. On reflex, her feet sprang up from behind the desk, showing some rather drab shoes and socks she was wearing.

**-X-**

Meanwhile, on the ground, Freakazoid and friends were just mopping up with the mercs, with each one trounced and then tossed onto the ever-growing, ever-moaning pile of their defeated comrades. Those who didn't want to stick around promptly fled out of the Geofront with the utmost haste.

"That pretty much takes care of this bunch," the Huntsman said as he threw his latest opponent onto the pile.

"Yeah," Freakazette said. "Though I've got a feeling we're not done yet."

_Famous last words..._Mayumi warned.

**The bridge, that moment...**

A pinging alerted Shigeru at his station, and when he looked at the screen, his eyes went wide.

"Radar's picked up nine bogies closing in!" he reported alarmingly. "Specifications classify them as EVA carriers and a single VTOL craft leading them!"

"Oh boy," Misato said warily. "Looks like the storm's made landfall." She then patched her comms into the speaker system throughout the Geofront. "Attention! Attention! The Mass Production Evangelions have arrived! Get ready, you're gonna be in for the fight of your lives!"

**The Geofront interior...**

All eyes turned towards the sound of aircraft getting closer to the large hole in the Geofront ceiling. Soon, the EVA series, Units-06 through 14, deployed from their respective individual carriers and made their descent, gliding down to the floor with their wings, each carrying their respective dual-blade weapon. When all of them touched down, they stood by as a lone VTOL craft landed ahead of them onto a nearby helipad. The door to the craft opened, and out stepped Gutierrez, wearing a gray power suit underneath a tan long coat. He was accompanied by Jocko, his short, balding, bespectacled, nearly-inarticulate henchman; he wore a blue short-sleeved collared shirt, black slacks, and gray loafers.

Gutierrez chose that moment to take a big whiff of the air around him. "Aaahhh, the smell of battle," he said, "how I've waited fifteen years for this moment." With a nod, he had Jocko press a button to activate the VTOL's music player, which soon began playing the notes of Mussorgsky's "A Night on Bald Mountain". Gutierrez smirked at the atmosphere he was creating with those sounds...until it vanished when the music suddenly changed into a song by Wham!:

_**Wake me up, before you go-go!**_

_**Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo!**_

_**Wake me up, before you go-go!**_

_**I don't want to miss it when you hit that high!**_

Gutierrez furrowed his brow and glared at Jocko. "Jocko..." he started to ask, slight frustration in his voice, "did you record over the 'triumphant intimidation mix' I had compiled for this very occasion?"

"Heeeee..." Jocko replied as he shrugged his shoulders, a sheepish expression on his face.

_**Wake me up, before you go-go!**_

_**'Cause I'm not planning on going so-lo!**_

_**Wake me up, before you go-go!**_

_**Take me dancing tonight!**_

On the battlefield and on the bridge, almost everyone became completely befuddled and confused, all thanks to the abrupt change in tone that came with Jocko's little error. Even the Mass Production EVAs exchanged confused looks with one another, as if they wondered just what it was they signed up for.

**_I wanna hit that hiiiiiiiiiigh!_**

**_Yeah, yeah!_**

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Nearly there, folks, just a ****_little _****bit more...**

**The opening scene pays tribute to the late, great movie maestro Ennio Morricone, who passed away this year after a decades-long career, highlights of which include his musical mark being left on many a spaghetti western starring Clint Eastwood.**

**The bit with the exploding guns is borrowed from the omake of chapter 17 of Mike313's "Superwomen of EVA 2: The Magic Touch". The mention of the TV show coming to Starz refers to the upcoming pro wrestling-themed drama _Heels_, starring Stephen Amell, who famously played Oliver Queen/Green Arrow in the long-running superhero show _Arrow_.**

**The mention of the Kevin Costner flop film _Waterworld_ calls back to Vorn's debut episode, where the irate neighbor of Waylon Jeepers compares gazing into Vorn's face to having to watch _Waterworld _for a month.**

**Bo-Ron's fight with the mercs riffs on how little to no effect the average Joe has against Mongo in Mel Brooks's ****_Blazing Saddles_****.**

**Lord Bravery defeats his group of mercs using his very theme song, which in his segments would tend to bury him under rubble in the opening sequence before his shorts. His 'final smash' line was inspired by a YouTube comment I saw on an upload of said sequence.**

**Leiliel sends the mercs that breach HQ tumbling onto the set of "The Baloney the Dinosaur Show", another semi-recurring spoof from _Animaniacs_.**

**The Network Censor (voiced by Paul Rugg) was a caricature who appeared in the segments "Mo-Ron" and "Joe's Very Own Story" as a send-up of conservative critics of television programming who either complained about or apologized for the violence in the show, only to be invariably crushed by an anvil.**

**Gutierrez's arrival on the battlefield and the musical shenanigans that ensue is a takeoff on a scene from the climax of season seven, episode eight of ****_The Simpsons_****, "Mother Simpson", with Gutierrez filling in for Mr. Burns, Jocko in place of Smithers, "A Night on Bald Mountain" replacing "Ride of the Valkyries", and "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" standing in for "Waterloo" by ABBA. Ironically enough, the production team on "Mother Simpson" actually wanted to use "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" only to discover the licensing rights were too expensive, causing them to use "Waterloo" instead.**


	53. Episode 52

**Episode 45 - Battles for the Geofront, Big and Small**

It had finally come to this.

On one side were the forces of NERV and its Evangelion units (control of which strangely seemed to have slipped from the grasp of Gendo Ikari), teamed up with Freakazoid, Freakazette, and a small number of their friends and former foes combined.

On the other was Gutierrez and the greatest weapons he ever got his hands on after seizing control of SEELE: the nine Mass Production Evangelions.

All in all, it was shaping up to be one heck of a showdown.

"Shee-yoot, those sure are some big n' ugly varmints, ain't they?" Longhorn said, commenting on the appearance of the MP EVAs.

"I'll say," Cave Guy concurred. "These things look as if they sprang from Clive Barker's imagination after he saw Katsuhiro Otomo's _Akira_ for the first time."

"Freakazoid..." Boa-Magnon warily started to say.

"WAY ahead of you," Freakazoid instantly replied as he quickly clicked the Freakazord app on his phone. In the Freakalair, the lights in the robot's hangar turned on while the doors opened up, and soon the robot itself blasted off and made its way to the hole in the Geofront. Descending through the opening, the Freakazord then landed beside Units-01 through 03.

"Naoko, think you can take the controls for a bit?" Freakazoid asked her over his phone.

**The bridge...**

Naoko's hologram cracked her knuckles and stretched her fingers as a pair of joysticks emerged below her forearms, signaling her having linked up with the Freakazord. "Certainly," the digitized scientist answered determinedly.

**The battlefield...**

Within NERV's EVAs, the pilots braced themselves for the fight.

"Uh, guys?" Toji asked. "You know I probably wasn't there for the briefin', so what's the deal with those things again?"

"Long story short," Asuka began to answer, "they're all Dummy Plug-controlled, S2 engine-equipped killing machines that have replicas of the one weapon that can penetrate AT-Fields. Like the lady once said: no pilot, no external power source, no mercy."

Toji swallowed a bit on hearing this. "So what's the plan?"

"We take them on with melee weapons, ranged won't matter much to them," Shinji said in a stoicism most wouldn't think of when meeting him. "Hopefully, our backup from NERV-2 will be here soon."

"So right now, basically, it's the three of us and Freakazoid's robot versus all nine of these things?" Toji asked a bit nervously.

"Yep," both Shinji and Asuka replied as they quickly armed themselves with their own prog-glaives.

"Just checking," Toji said in turn before he quietly muttered a small prayer while picking up a glaive of his own.

Back on the ground, Longhorn furrowed a brow over what he saw. "Well, shoot, this ain't fair," he said. "And believe me, I'd know. Lemme fix that." He then ran over to Bessie Mae and got in the driver's seat.

"What's he doing?" Freakazette asked.

"Oh, that?" Cobra Queen replied. "Longhorn gave Besssssie Mae a number of upgradessss in the intervening yearssss, on the off-chance he'd find himsssself in a giant robot melee in Japan."

At that moment, Longhorn flipped a series of switches and then pressed a big button on the dashboard. Suddenly, to the astonished eyes of all present, the big rig began to undergo a radical change. It began to lift itself upright, as the upper half of the trailer became a pair of arms and the lower half a set of legs, both of which linked to the cab as it assumed the form of a torso.

**The bridge, that moment...**

"No way..." Shigeru remarked with awe.

"My gosh...It's not just a truck-!" Maya started to say.

"It's a Transformer!" Makoto finished.

**Announcer: "The following dialogue was made possible with the express consent of (and preemptively-paid licensing fee to) Hasbro, Inc."**

**The Geofront interior...**

Bessie Mae's transformation finished when the head emerged from the back of the cab, looking like a helmet with big steer horns on each side and a nose ring on its faceplate. A smirking Longhorn then clicked on his CB mic. "Now _this_ is more like it!" he said through the external speakers. "Say howdy an' how-do to the _Bessie Mecha_!" Longhorn then directed the Bessie Mecha to join up with the Freakazord and the NERV EVAs as it got into a fighting stance, much to the mutual surprise of Shinji, Asuka and Toji.

Speaking of those three EVA pilots, they looked at each other via vid-screen, bewildered expressions still on their faces, before any one of them spoke. The one who finally did turned out to be Asuka.

"*Sigh* At this point, _nothing's_ gonna surprise me anymore," she said with a shake of her head.

With that, the two sets of giants started going at it as they ran into battle, weapons and fists raised high. While the giants fought for dominance, on the ground another battle was about to start, as Gutierrez began walking towards Freakazoid and friends.

"Freakazoid..." Gutierrez said as he threw off his long coat, "How good of you to return, so we can finally end this at last."

"Gutierrez..." Freakazoid replied, not amused and somewhat indifferent. "I see the years weirdly have been kind to you."

"That they have," Gutierrez said, "though maintaining a good diet and exercise regiment does help. Plus, biding my time all these years allowed me to build up enough strength to do this once again..." He then snapped his fingers, and was soon enveloped in a flash of light and static. When it subsided, Gutierrez stood transformed, powered up in a way he hadn't been since first exploiting the power of the Pinnacle chip's flaw all those years ago. His skin had changed to a light blue, and the half of his face that resembled a 3-D circuit board had been restored to its natural state. He now wore a purple body suit, black boots, and metallic green bracers; on the upper chest area of the suit was a black triangle that went from front to back and spread to the area between his shoulders and neck, outlined by two metallic green lighting bolt shapes; on top of where all three converged was a big green letter 'G'. Gutierrez's hair had become a big, white mane with a single black lightning-shaped streak on the right side, and his eyepatch appeared to be more high-tech now.

The suddenness of this took almost everyone by great surprise, no more so than the two Freaks.

"Oh..." Freakazoid started.

"_Fudge_," Freakazette finished.

_He can do that?!_ Kensuke wondered in shock.

_Can he do that?!_ Mayumi reiterated.

Those questions were echoed on the Bridge among the staff.

"Wait, _can he do that_?" Ritsuko asked.

"I don't know, check the script!" Misato worriedly replied. Soon the two of them got out their respective copies of the story's script and flipped through a number of pages, till they finally reached the current scene.

"*SIGH* Yes, he can, he can..." they both said, disappointed.

Back on the battlefield, the now powered-up Gutierrez smirked and made a 'come and get me' gesture with his right set of fingers, daring Freakazoid and the others to take him on. The group of them answered in kind as they rushed Gutierrez, the fisticuffs now underway. Unfortunately, Gutierrez proved to be a pretty powerful opponent, shrugging off blows from Cave Guy, Vorn, Bo-Ron, and the Huntsman, even with their particular levels of strength; when the Lawn Gnomes tried to bring him down by grabbing onto his limbs (and even trying to bite them as well), he simply flung them aside. Lord Bravery attempted to push him back and up into the air, but Gutierrez held firm, only displacing a few inches of grass and dirt, before swinging the British superhero into Boa-Magnon and Cobra Queen's snakes. As for the Freaks themselves, they too tried to land a blow on him only to be quickly knocked back into Boa-Magnon and Cobra Queen.

"_This_ isn't going the way I imagined," Freakazoid said as he briefly looked our way.

"I heartily concur," Freakazette added.

_C'mon guys, don't give up now!_ Kensuke urged.

_Think of what'll happen if we let Gutierrez walk all over us!_ Mayumi added.

Knowing their 'roommates' were right, the Freaks helped Boa-Magnon and Cobra Queen back up, just as the others did to take another swing at Gutierrez.

**The bridge, that moment...**

Observing the events as they unfolded, Gendo Ikari thought to himself that it was either now or never.

_Let them struggle all they want_, he mused darkly to himself. _It's as now a good time as any for my own scenario to commence..._

He quietly opened a channel to Unit-00. "Rei, it is now time," he said to the girl within the entry plug. "I shall meet you in the Chamber of Gauf."

"Understood, Commander," Rei said. _It's starting..._ she then thought to herself.

Gendo then got up from his chair, and turned to Fuyutsuki, surprised by the sudden action. "Fuyutsuki, take care of things here." With that, he abruptly left the bridge, with no one else having noticed.

"Ikari-?!" Fuyutsuki said. It was then that he made a fateful choice, and opened a channel to the entire PA system of the Geofront, surprising the rest of the crew on the bridge. "Freakazoid, this is Fuyutsuki speaking-Ikari's headed to Terminal Dogma!"

**The Geofront interior...**

Freakazoid heard Fuyutsuki's alert while he and the others squared off with Gutierrez, causing him to perk his ears up.

"Ikari's going to try and bring his scenario to fruition!" Fuyutsuki continued. "You've got to reach him before it's too late!"

Freakazoid felt conflicted, wondering if he should go do just that or stay to help the others with Gutierrez. He got his answer quickly.

"GO!" Freakazette urged. "We've got Gutierrez! Go already!"

_She's right!_ Kensuke chimed in desperately. _We've gotta hurry!_

Freakazoid, a determined expression now on his face, nodded back at Freakazette and soon zoomed off back towards HQ.

**The lowest level of Terminal Dogma, the Chamber of Gauf, moments later...**

Gendo had arrived at last in Lilith's chamber, having used his own hidden program within NERV HQ's automated systems to ensure he wouldn't be locked out or impeded as he made his way down; up above, Ritsuko and the others had tried to override it, but couldn't. From the massive doorway, he took a moment to observe the environment around him. Lilith was still there, the lance embedded in her chest. The weirdly-placed battleship still floated in the lake of LCL; a part of him was still amused by how it confused a lot of people as to how they managed to get it down there in the first place. Lastly, he could see in the distance a small figure standing at the end of the walkway at the center of the lake, one he knew by the blue he could make out on their head.

"Rei..." Gendo said as he walked towards the figure. "I knew you would be here. The promised time as come..."

When he finally got close to the figure, however, he became shocked at what he saw. In truth, it wasn't Rei at all: it was a hastily-put-together sack cloth dummy, wearing a blue wig and one of Rei's spare school uniforms. Gendo growled furiously before kicking the dummy to pieces and screaming in a rage.

"GENDO IKARI...!" a voice boomed with enough dramatic ham to fill the deli counter at a Shakespeare performance.

Gendo turned at the sound and was soon met with a bizarre sight: Freakazoid was standing there at the Chamber's entrance in an over-the-top heroic pose, wearing a stereotypical horned Viking helmet with an attached blonde, twin-braided-tailed wig underneath; held aloft in his left hand was an ordinary rubber-headed mallet that one would find in a hardware store.

"...WE WOULD HAVE WORDS WITH THEE!" Freakazoid exclaimed, the scene briefly lit by a flash of lightning as the sound of thunder echoed.

Gendo just stood there, one eyebrow arched, scratching his head, and his mouth agape, utterly baffled by the wacky wonder's display. Freakazoid, in turn, became confused by the lack of a reaction on Gendo's part.

_Told you he wouldn't get it..._Kensuke said, shaking his head.

"Ah, nutbunnies!" Freakazoid said as he lowered his hammer arm disappointingly while snapping the fingers on his right hand. "I don't get it, this kind of thing worked for Chris Hemsworth!"

**To be continued...**

****Author's Note(s)****

**Almost there...Almost there...**

**The bridge bunnies commenting on Bessie Mae's shape-shifting riffs on a scene from the climax of Mel Brooks's ****_Spaceballs_****. (Fittingly, a few pieces of Transformers merchandise were used for the 'merchandising' scene from earlier in the film.)**

**Gutierrez's empowered form was first seen in the ****_Freakazoid _****season one finale, "The Wrath of Gutierrez". He was able to do this by bribing the staff of the prison he was staying in enough to get an internet connection to his cell's computer, and from there was able to access the flaw in the Pinnacle chip (which he stated he also 'improved' upon).**

**When everyone questions if Gutierrez can do that, another Mel Brooks film is invoked, in this case the archery contest sequence from ****_Robin Hood: Men in Tights_****.**

**Gendo's reaction to the dummy echoes that of Waylon Jeepers in the season two episode "Statuesque".**

**And lastly, Freakazoid's entrance is a big riff on Marvel's Thor comics, as well as the MCU ****_Thor _****movies. Freakazoid's headgear comes from the season one segment "Conversational Norwegian".**

**Next time: Freakazoid vs. Gendo, with the return of Freakazoid's ****_original _****sidekick! (Plus the other big battles topside, natch.)**


End file.
